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[2017]
Dan looks at himself in the mirror; something’s bothering him.
His hair? He needs to let it grow a bit longer.
His face? It wasn’t bad.
Earrings? Maybe a few more piercings.
Arms? If only they were slimmer.
Legs? They’re fine.
Torso? Horrible.
Dan watches as the T-shirt falls and turns to the side – too flat – then turns back to face the mirror and tries to accentuate his waist – too thin.
Dan huffs, turns around, switches off the light and leaves the bathroom.
—
[2018]
“Sometimes I feel really uncomfortable in my own body,” he says.
His therapist is taken by surprise by this confession.
“In what way?” she asks.
Dan shifts in his seat; he doesn’t really know how to explain it. He knows what he isn’t, but that only serves to confuse him further.
“Sometimes… I’d prefer my body to be more—” Dan looks at his therapist, letting the silence fill the room. “It’s not that I’m trans, but… I’d like my body to be more feminine.”
The therapist nods and jots something down in her notebook.
“Is there anything in particular that makes you feel that way?” she asks.
Dan doesn’t know what to say; it’s always been like this – every so often, the female body becomes something he desires and envies, something he wishes he’d been born with, something he wants to achieve.
Even so, this is the last time he’ll talk about it with his therapist.
—
[2018]
Dan tries out the gender-neutral pronouns, repeats them – they’re not bad, and they certainly don’t make him feel uncomfortable.
Dan decides to try them out online, bit by bit, to see how it feels when others refer to him by them.
But it’s a resounding failure: Dan describes himself as ‘a person’, but always ends up reverting to ‘he’.
People on social media tell him he has to stand up for his pronouns.
Dan feels uncomfortable and decides to delete everything.
—
[2019]
Coming out has been a huge relief for him, and he’s grateful that he had the courage to say publicly that he really doesn’t mind which pronouns people use to refer to him.
Although it isn’t entirely true, Dan cares deeply about his gender; he wants to understand why he feels this way, why there are days when he feels so good being a man and days when he hates with every fibre of his being having been born a man.
For a few months now, he’s been collecting photographs of women – not in a creepy way, but out of a need to look at those images over and over again, hoping that at some point he’ll start to see himself that way.
He decides to put those thoughts aside; he’s finally come out, and right now that’s all that matters.
—
[2019]
Dan looks at himself in the mirror again; unlike a couple of years ago, he feels comfortable in his own skin.
His hair is a little longer, but it still doesn’t reach his neck.
His face has matured, but he still looks delicate.
He still wears just one earring; he still thinks he needs a few more.
His arms are more toned; by conventional standards, they look more masculine.
His legs are still shapely, with firm thighs – which Phil loves to sit on – and just as long as ever.
And his torso is just as flat as it was two years ago, his waist slightly more defined, but, unlike two years ago, it doesn’t bother him as much.
—
[2020]
“Phil, would you still love me if I were trans?” The question hangs in the air for a moment.
“What—”, the older man manages to say, shaking off his surprise.
“I mean, if, when we got together, you’d found out I was trans… would you still have wanted to be with me?” Dan rephrases, sounding vulnerable.
Phil wraps his arms around the taller man, feeling him curl up, trying to make himself as small as possible.
“Of course I would, bear. I love you, and I would have loved you either way – at the end of the day, you’d still be a lad,” the dark-haired man finally replies with confidence.
“What if it were the other way round?” Dan whispers.
“If I were trans?” asks Phil, puzzled.
“No, not like that.” Dan pulls away slightly so he can look his boyfriend in the eyes. “What if… what if I wanted to be a girl now?”
This time, Phil takes a little longer to reply. Dan understands; it’s a strange and difficult question for someone who’s only attracted to men.
“If you wanted to transition right now, I’d stay with you, by your side, and I’d still choose you. It’d be a bit strange at first, but it’s you, and I love you.”
Dan says nothing; he just hugs him again, whispering a quiet ‘thank you’, and feels Phil’s arms tighten around him.
“Do you feel like a girl, Danny?” the dark-haired man decides to ask after a while.
Dan grimaces; whatever he says, it won’t be entirely true. Sometimes he does feel like a girl, although it’s been quite a while since that’s happened, and other times he feels like a boy, but most of the time, he feels like just another person, without a specific pronoun, just existing.
“No, I was just curious,” he replies.
—
[2021]
Despite how neurotic he’s been about germs since Covid, Dan loves being able to see his friends again.
Getting Louise, PJ and Sophie together has been trickier than it seemed, and he still can’t quite believe the five of them are actually together.
Dan steps out of his room; to his surprise, only Phil and PJ are left in the office, talking about something that doesn’t interest him right now.
“Where are the girls?” he asks.
“Upstairs,” his boyfriend replies before turning away and continuing his conversation with PJ.
Dan rolls his eyes, closes the door and heads upstairs.
Sophie and Louise are sitting on the sofa, looking at Dan’s empty fish tank.
“What are you up to?” he asks as he approaches.
“Oh, we just decided to come upstairs whilst we wait for the lads to finish arguing about… honestly, I wasn’t paying attention,” replies Louise.
Sophie and Dan laugh.
“Well, let them stay downstairs if they want to; we know how to have a better time, don’t we?” says the brown-haired boy with a wink.
“We girls definitely have more fun,” adds Sophie.
Dan feels a moment of panic—it’s too unexpected—but once the words have settled in his mind, being just another girl doesn’t bother him in the slightest; in fact, he rather likes it.
“Oh, Dan, you’re an honorary girl,” adds Sophie.
Dan laughs nervously, but plucks up the courage to speak; perhaps this is one of the few times he’ll talk about it.
“I don’t mind being just another girl.”
—
[2022]
Dan looks at himself in the mirror.
His long legs, wrapped in black mesh tights, seem even longer than usual. Unlike other times (not to say always), this time he feels powerful when he looks at his legs.
He smiles; he knows that if Phil could see him right now, he’d be drooling.
The gloves make him feel more delicate, as if the garment alone will unleash a femininity even more deeply hidden within him.
The dress – that scrap of fabric that barely covers what it should, and which he thought would only provoke laughter, but has instead awakened something stronger in him – hangs straight and flat. That bothers him.
The veil feels like an extension of his head, as if his hair had suddenly grown down to his shoulders, and he loves it.
He poses in front of the mirror. First he stands up straight, with his arms at his sides; he’s not convinced. Then he crosses his legs; his eyes widen as he sees the change in his posture, so he decides to play around with his arms – what if he puts them on his waist?
Dan finds the pose completely natural, even more so than simply standing there.
He turns round a couple of times, realising he can accentuate his waist, chest and ass – everything he can’t do in his ‘boy’s’ clothes.
He knows this isn’t the time to dwell on the matter.
He tries to convince himself it’s just a costume.
But he knows he’s lying: Sister Daniela (Daniela? He’s not sure) has awakened something in him, something he doesn’t know whether he wants to suppress or explore further.
-
[2024]
It’s been three years since Dan first dressed up as Sister Daniel (it ended up being Daniel – that definitely suited her better).
A few months after that Halloween, his fans dressed him in a skirt — Phil told him he looked cute, he liked the outfit and, without telling anyone, kept it.
After New Year’s, the costume stayed at home, buried under piles of clothes, but that checked skirt joined him on the final leg of his tour.
Make-up and nail varnish are part of his experimentation; he likes black nails and definitely prefers to paint them himself rather than go to a salon. As for make-up, he likes it, but doesn’t find it all that comfortable, although he loves doing his eyeliner.
In hotels, with the curtains drawn and the light dimmed as much as possible (we already established that you can see everything otherwise), he’d put on the checked skirt, twirl around in it, strike a pose, look at himself in the mirror, try on different T-shirts, shoes and accessories, and, to tell the truth, Dan was delighted. Although it all came to an end when he returned home.
A year after her first public appearance, Sister Daniel returned for a Halloween baking video, and Dan found that alter ego liberating – as if he’d been hiding a part of himself – and it was incredibly comforting to realise just how much it turned Phil on to see him like that. And for the first time since that conversation three years ago, he believes that Phil would be with him no matter how he looks or identifies.
By the time the sexy nun reappears for his 33rd birthday, Dan realises that Phil is genuinely in love with him, and for the first time in seven years he wants to talk about his feelings in detail.
But first he needs to clear his mind.
-
[February 2025]
Due to the Terrible Influence tour, it takes him a few months, but Dan finds an anonymous blog online. He’s met people who genuinely believe they can help him; he needs answers that his Google searches either don’t provide or just confuse him even more.
The good thing about the blog being anonymous is that he can ask all the questions he needs to and can think of, without fear or embarrassment about asking something obvious.
So, one day when Phil isn’t at home (which is rare), he decides it’s time to start digging deeper into something he’s been ignoring for years.
Take a deep breath and log into the blog.
It’s a bit off-putting, as it’s an anonymous online chat where you can’t even set up a proper profile – just a username and the topics you’d prefer to discuss.
Even so, Dan thinks this is just what he needs.
「 How can I identify myself if I don’t mind which pronouns people use to refer to me?
- If you don’t mind how people refer to you, you can include it in your profile or let people know that you’re open to any pronouns, for example: ‘he/she/they’ or ‘any pronouns’
- This is sometimes called being gender-neutral btw
Does this make me non-binary?
- Not necessarily. Identity is who you are, and pronouns are what people call you. They’re related, but they’re not the same thing.
- Exactly, this is where the distinction between gender identity and gender expression/preference comes in.
- Hmm, I think that to be able to give you a 100 per cent accurate answer, you first need to know whether this pronoun thing is down to non-binary identity (where your gender doesn’t fit exclusively into ‘man’ or ‘woman’) or pronoun indifference (which is a linguistic preference. There are people who feel 100% cis, but who simply don’t feel that a pronoun is a vital part of their essence).
The thing is… I feel really envious of certain aspects of being female :(
- It’s completely normal to feel envious; it’s usually just a reflection of our own needs, unexplored desires or aspects of ourselves that we’d like to develop.
- I understand – I feel the same way, especially when it comes to expressing emotions; I’d love to be able to be myself without my parents judging me so much…
- Look, this isn’t exactly a mystery, but if the envy runs very deep and you feel that those traits ‘should’ have been yours all along, it could be a sign that your gender identity is more complex than you thought (duh).
- That envy you feel is sometimes called ‘gender envy’, and it isn’t a bad kind of envy, but rather a feeling of: ‘What they have is what I should/would like to have in order to feel good about myself’.
- Mate, think about it – if you were on a desert island, would you still feel envious?」
Dan doesn’t take long to come up with an answer. He still isn’t sure whether he’s just talking for the sake of it or actually taking off all his masks for the first time.
「 I feel a lot of envy towards hyper-feminine girls in particular, but even if I ended up on a desert island, I’d definitely still feel envious.
- You should ask yourself whether you envy their voice, their bone structure, their style…?
- Many non-binary or gender-fluid people start exactly like this: feeling a strong attraction to or envy of the characteristics of the opposite sex, but without necessarily wanting to fit into the traditional mould.
Oh, definitely what I envy most is their physique, their body language and how great all their clothes look on them, etc. But at the same time, there are days when I love my male body and the way I look.
- Mate, what you’re describing is a fascination with physical androgyny and bodily freedom.
- When you’re a gender-fluid person, gender envy towards someone with a hyper-feminine aesthetic isn’t just about ‘admiring their clothes’, but about that visceral fascination with the gender energy they project: the blend of radiant femininity, self-assurance, flirtatiousness…
- Dude, what you’re describing is the living definition of ambivalence or fluidity. 」
By this point, Dan has relaxed; he realises there’s nothing wrong with him and feels that, at last, after so long, he can put into words what he’s been feeling.
With tears in his eyes, he continues.
「Does this mean I’m non-binary? I’m not really sure whether I’m that or gender-fluid, to be honest.
- Actually, the term ‘gender-fluid’ falls under the umbrella of non-binary, which in turn falls under the umbrella of trans…
- If you understand ‘non-binary’ to mean ‘my identity isn’t limited to a single box’, then yes, it could be a comfortable space for you.
- To be honest, it depends on how you feel about it. If you feel both envy and comfort with your body at the same time, I’d say you’re more enby, but if it’s something else that keeps changing, I’d definitely say you’re gender-fluid.
I think gender-fluid is the label that fits me best because yesterday I was absolutely green with envy of Chappell Roan and their hair, and today I loved the way my arms looked in a sleeveless top.
- Girl, what you’re describing is the very essence of gender fluidity! That ability to wake up one day and feel that your body is a wonderful ally, and the next day feel that your body is a ‘limitation’ because it doesn’t allow you to express that other part of yourself…
- Welcome to the enby community! 」
Dan is crying, crying inconsolably. He’s not quite sure why.
He doesn’t know if these are tears of happiness; after all these years, he realises that what he’s feeling is normal.
He doesn’t know if these are tears of fear; having to come out again is not something he’d expected.
But they simply cry; they need to let it all out.
After a few more messages of support on the blog and some advice on how to broach the subject with Phil, Dan logs off.
He stands up and goes to look at themselves in the full-length mirror in their bedroom.
Now he sees it all. Now he understands it all.
A name echoes in his head, that name from his childhood… Could it be that this was the first time…? How long has he actually been suppressing it?
For the first time, he sees all the genders within himself.
He sees Daniel, a boy who has never quite fitted in with the other boys and has always felt connected to his feminine side.
He sees Dan, a strange, lanky person who sometimes wishes he didn’t have a physical body and could just be a being of light.
And he sees Lara, that strong personality, that woman who feels she is everything he couldn’t be whilst growing up, inhabiting a body far more delicate than his own.
He thinks that perhaps that side of him—that more feminine ‘personality’ he always called ‘Lara’—was simply his own self, seeking to make room for his fluidity.
More tears roll down his cheeks. At last, he feels at peace.
And, definitely, he no longer needs Lara.
-
[March 2025]
Dan knows that Phil knows something’s up with him.
That he’s ‘thinking out loud’ and that he can hear the cogs in his head turning, working, thinking.
Dan doesn’t know how to tell Phil that he’s genderfluid.
He knows he’s no good at coming out – for goodness’ sake, he sent an email to his family!
But he can’t do that to Phil; he knows the blond wouldn’t mind, but Dan needs to tell him face to face – he needs to be able to express himself.
It’s one of the few times his words fail him, and he doesn’t know what to say.
“Dan, you’re scaring me – you’ve been quiet for ages and haven’t made a sound,” says Phil, snapping him out of his thoughts.
The brown-haired one turns to look into his partner’s eyes – those large orbs of such a distinctive blue, full of so many details he adores; those orbs that look back at him, filled with worry and fear.
“All right,” he murmurs before getting up from the sofa.
Phil looks at him, puzzled.
“Phil, I’m going to tell you something. I need you to listen to me and not interrupt me. This… is going to be difficult,” he says before the older man can say anything.
The blond man nods and sits up straight on the edge of the sofa, expectant and attentive.
“I didn’t want to just blurt this out to you because when everything finally clicked into place, I started crying, and I didn’t want to forget to tell you something if I start crying now as well. Because in the end, even though it’s nothing bad, I want you to understand it properly and be able to take it in easily.” Dan pauses to look at Phil, who continues to watch him with his big, bright eyes.
« You know I like to do a lot of soul-searching and ask myself questions, so I thought: What am I, really? And as if it were a punch to the gut, a name popped into my head. Lara.
When I was at secondary school, I made up three personalities (or rather, I split my personality into three so I could hide and defend myself better). The first was Daniel, the boy everyone knew; then there was Dan, who I felt was my true self, but whom I hid because I was already ‘weird’ enough without letting my whole self show; and finally, Lara, my feminine personality. Lara Croft was a real role model in my childhood; she was everything I wasn’t, and I first really started to notice her inside me when I was 12. We’ve lived together all these years, sharing a history and a space, but she’s never had her own space—neither inside me nor in the physical world. You have no idea how much I’ve suppressed her. And don’t think I’m going to tell you that I’m trans – no, Lara isn’t a stranger or a threat, but she is an integral part of my mental architecture.
Of course, I’m telling you this now, and I don’t want you to worry, because a few years back, far from feeling the fear that Lara made me feel or the envy that some girls caused me, I began to feel curious.
My instinct – which I need to learn to listen to more – recognised role models, mirrors in which I saw reflected something I’ve felt for a long time (I even tried to experiment at one point, but I was too scared), as if, after many years of a fog of confusion and unease, things were finally clearing up.
The conclusion was clear: I’m gender-fluid.” »
Dan pauses and breathes, relieved.
He sees Phil’s eyes open a little wider and his lips part, as if he’s about to speak.
But Dan is quicker and carries on.
“I know you won’t understand it 100%, not because you don’t want to, but because, as you’ve never considered anything like this before, all you can do is respect it and acknowledge it.” Looks at Phil, who nods silently.
« So now, let me explain a few things. To start with, it’s not that I want to be someone else; it’s just that that “feminine personality” I had as a teenager has always been there. Sometimes I need to feel more feminine to feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m telling you this because I want you to be part of this and because, when I understand this side of myself, I feel better.
I fit within the very definition of gender fluidity; I envy feminine traits, but at the same time I enjoy my masculine attributes. I don’t want to replace my body; rather, I feel that my identity is broad enough to embrace both realities.
That’s why my 12-year-old self—who had neither the knowledge nor the vocabulary—was able to identify who I was and turned Lara into a ‘personality’, when she was the core of my feminine identity.
It’s an internal transition; one day I might want to be like a girl, and another day I might like myself just as I am. Both are real: my androgynous, masculine self, and my feminine, more neutral self. Obviously, there’ll be days, weeks or months when I’ll feel more like one than the other; it’s not something that happens every day, at least not for me — as we speak, I feel quite connected to my masculine side, but we’ll have to see how the week goes.
I’m also going to carry on using the name Dan. I like my name, and I feel it encapsulates everything I am and who I am; that Lara and Daniel are both part of Dan and, ultimately, that’s what Dan is: an androgynous entity of light that moves between genders, who loves people regardless of their gender, and who feels deeply and very intensely.’ »
Dan pauses again and looks at his partner, who is gaping in astonishment. The curly-haired lad sits down beside him and takes his hand.
“So, where does all this leave you? Even though it’s obvious, none of this makes you any less gay.” They both laugh. “Sometimes my filter is that of the boy you know, and everything falls into place; other times it’s that of a girl, and on those days it makes me feel envious. But the fact that I feel fluid doesn’t change who you are or who you are to me; I don’t want to change your sexuality – after all, my own is still the same, hehe – nor does it make you any less of a man or any more… straight.” Phil lets out another little chuckle, and Dan adds: “Actually, you make me feel like you’re the only one with whom I can be all my different selves.”
-
[July 2025]
After Dan’s announcement, Phil looked him in the eyes as he always did, full of adoration, and before kissing him, whispered:
“It’s fine.”
Dan then added that he didn’t want to announce it in the same way he’d done with his sexuality; he preferred it to be something more casual… a soft launch.
And they began to learn together.
Phil learnt to recognise Dan’s preferred pronouns simply by watching how Dan looked at himself in the mirror. He learnt to respect his pronouns even when they were in situations where Dan’s fluidity was compromised.
He discovered that he loved the way Dan’s face lit up when they tried on a new item of clothing that supported their gender identity.
Dan dusted off that checked skirt, came out of the closet to his therapist and learnt not to be afraid to experiment. He no longer had to do it in secret or by dim light; he could go to Phil and talk it through with him, show it to him or tell him whatever was on his mind.
Obviously, it wasn’t always perfect, and it was hard work, but they were together, they were learning together, and if Dan is happy, so is Phil.
“Do you want to mention it in the video?” asks the blond as they eat.
Dan stops chewing; he’d been thinking about it.
In a few months, they’ll upload THE video that half the internet has been waiting for through the entire 2010s. Dan thinks that openly mentioning he’s in a relationship with Phil is enough, but part of him believes it would also be important.
It’s clear that there are a large number of trans and non-binary people in their community, but even so, Dan finds that shouting to the whole world that he’s genderfluid isn’t something he feels with the same urgency as when he came out as queer six years ago.
“Actually,” he begins, “I’d like to keep taking a soft launch to the matter. As long as the people close to me know, I’m more than fine with that.”
-
[October 2025]
Dan is really in their element here, trying on skirts and accessories – oh, if he could, he’d kiss his own head.
A video of them dressed as femboys is just the perfect excuse to renew their wardrobe.
The fishnet tights from Lovehoney are gorgeous – a bit odd, but gorgeous – and that’s what matters.
He finds himself posing for the camera whilst trying on a choker and realises how natural it feels; he loves it.
“Dan, are you ready?” asks Phil, coming up the stairs.
“Taraan!!” exclaims the curly-haired one, popping out of the bedroom so his boyfriend can see him.
Phil knows he’s gay, that he loves the concept of women but isn’t attracted to them in that way at all – but then, well, there’s Dan.
Dan in his fishnet tights and harnesses that make his legs look exquisite, that black skirt which, for some reason, boosts Dan’s self-esteem to the max, that crop top which, if he raised his arms too high, would leave nothing to the imagination, and that make-up—it’s anything but subtle, with eyeliner, loads of blusher and a few freckles.
Phil is confused. Dan looks gorgeous.
“What do you think?” he asks, twirling round.
“I think you’re way too pretty; you’re confusing me,” admits the older.
Dan laughs.
Laughs with all his heart, knowing that he is completely free, knowing that his partner accepts him just as he is, knowing that he has a wonderful community that would support him if he decided to come out, and knowing that, at the end of the day, he is finally just being himself.