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Buck woke slowly, feeling the same numbness he’d been feeling since the grocery store.
The sunrise that would normally have him smiling due to it’s beauty didn’t spark even an ember of warmth within him.
He sat up with a sharp inhale, tossing the blanket off of him as he swung his legs off the side of the bed. Buck stretched as he stood, making his way into the bathroom to brush his teeth and relieve his bladder. Once done he made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen for a cup of coffee, enjoying it out on the balcony in silence. He took his time savoring it, watching the sun come up even as his coffee cooled in his hands.
Inside, his phone pinged with a text from Maddie, trying to check up on him. Even if he’d seen the device light up, he wouldn’t have bothered answering.
He’d never been able to lie to his sister, not about anything important.
When he’d drained the last of his coffee, he made his way back inside and went through the motions of cleaning up after himself. After putting the freshly dried mug back into the cabinet, Buck made his way into the living room. He stopped at the bookshelf, pulling Eddie’s favorite book from the shelf and letting it fall open to reveal two letters that he’d written after returning from the grocery store on that horrible day.
It didn’t matter that he’d turned down the settlement, it didn’t matter that he’d been in the right despite his overreaction by involving a lawyer, it didn’t matter that he’d just wanted to come home…he’d destroyed everything, just like he always did.
It’s why he was doing this. He couldn’t ruin anything else if he removed himself.
As he let the book fall from his hand, landing carelessly in a heap at his feet, he turned away with the letters in his hand. He made his way towards the dining table, carefully placing the letters at the end nearest the door before tapping them twice and turning away to head back up the stairs.
He hoped Eddie could forgive him someday for what he was about to see.
***
Eddie woke up that morning with a tightness in his chest, his words from the grocery store and Buck’s face haunting him even in his sleep. Every time he unlocked his phone to call Buck or got in his truck with every intention of apologizing, he ended up chickening out.
How do you apologize to someone you hurt so deeply?
He sat up with a sigh, scrubbing a hand over his face as he groaned before tossing the covers off of himself, pulling his legs up until they were crossed and he could rest his elbows on his knees in order to hold his head. He tugged at his hair with another groan before lifting his head and checking the time, only to see that he needed to get Christopher up for Carla so that she could take him to school. With one last sigh, Eddie finally got himself moving.
Come hell or high water, he’d talk to Buck after his shift was over.
***
Eddie was just cresting the steps to the firehouse loft when his vision flickered, a hand shooting out to grab the railing in order to steady himself as the world around him shifted.
No.
He knew immediately what was happening, a sound of alarm and grief escaping him as things came into focus.
He knew that living room.
He watched, helpless, as his favorite book was pulled from the bookshelf by familiar hands. The pages fell open, revealing two letters before they were carefully picked up and the book was dropped carelessly.
“Eddie!” He felt hands grab onto him, steadying him as his knees threatened to collapse.
“Buck,” He was barely able to get the man’s name out. “H-he’s about to die.” A sob escaped him as he clung to whoever was in front of him.
Buck being his soulmate didn’t surprise him as much as he thought it would, but that momentary joy was belied by the instant devastation at the knowledge that he was about to lose the man.
Because that was the only way one could find out who their soulmate was, through watching the last few moments of their life, seeing and hearing the last things they did before their heart stopped.
“Eddie,” Bobby’s voice somehow filtered through as he watched Buck place the letters on the dining room table, his name and Christopher’s written neatly on the front of the envelopes. “Eddie, listen to me. You need to focus right now, where is he?”
“L-loft.”
He let his focus return to what he was witnessing, letting those around him handle the pending emergency. He was distantly aware of being guided down the stairs and into the back of the ambulance. He felt the pressure of someone gripping his hands, but he was too focused on Buck making his way up his stairs to figure out who was holding him.
“Eddie,” Buck’s voice filtered through his mind, his voice cracking as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. It was a poor facsimile of trying to meet Eddie’s gaze. “I’m so sorry to do this to you, but it’s the only way to truly set you free from me.” Eddie watched Buck’s eyes fill with tears before they spilled over. “My letter to you explains everything, since I figured you’d have questions.”
Buck let out a humorless laugh, his gaze falling down to the sink…where Eddie spotted the sharpened blade laying innocently next to his right hand.
“H-he has a knife, i-in the bathroom.” The hand gripping his tightened almost painfully.
“I’m so sorry, Eddie. Tell Christopher that I love him.” Buck turned away from the mirror, his hand sliding over to grab the blade.
Eddie cringed as the metal scraped along the marble countertop, only to straighten up once more in panic as Buck turned towards the full tub.
“No, no, nonono!”
“Eddie,” Hen, “What are you seeing?” His back hit the bench as they careened around a corner.
“The t-tub, it’s full.” He choked on his next breath as Buck got into the tub, watching his limbs fold until his chin sat just above the water and his knees poked out almost comically. “He’s going to drown.”
The words were barely out of his mouth before he was watching in horror as Buck lifted the blade to his wrist. He heard Buck take a shuddering breathe in, nearly panicking when his vision went dark due to Buck squeezing his own eyes shut. He heard Buck hiss before his vision returned, just in time to see Buck shakily let go of the knife while the water quickly turned red.
Buck's arm collapsed weakly into the water, the man releasing a tired sigh. Eddie belatedly remembered the blood thinners, stammering something to Hen through his tears.
Between one blink and the next, Buck slipped further into the water, his next inhale causing him to choke before the edges of his vision began to grow dark. As the darkness gathered, Hen's horrified face and the ambulance began coming back into focus.
“He's underwater!” Everything slammed back into focus just as the ambulance skid to a halt.
He didn't wait for orders, he barely waited to the vehicle to stop fully before he was ripping his hands out of Hen's grasp and shoving the doors open so that he could race into the building. He bypassed the elevator, taking the stairs two at a time before bursting out of the stairwell onto Buck's floor.
He fumbled slightly with his keys, almost dropping them in his haste to unlock the door.
When the lock finally clicked, he shoved his way inside, once more racing up the stairs before kicking down the bathroom door and nearly slipping on the water covering the tile floor. Refusing to be deterred, he got his feet back under him and raced over to the tub. Uncaring of the mess, Eddie reached into the water to grab onto Buck's bare shoulders, hoisting him up before dragging him out of the tub.
Some small part of Eddie hoped that the impact with the unforgiving ground would magically force the water from Buck's lungs and make him breathe again…but he'd never really believed in miracles like that.
Instead, Eddie yanked Buck's towel off the wall, haphazardly bundling it up before tossing it onto his wrist and slamming his own knee over the wound. He needed his hands for CPR, so the crude pressure would have to do.
He was aware of the others finally catching up to him as he started CPR, beginning by forcing air past Buck’s cold lips, but he ignored them in favor of maintaining rhythm. He grit his teeth when Buck's chest audibly cracked beneath his hands, shaking someone off when they tried to intervene. He didn't know if they were trying to stop him or take over for him, and he didn't care.
Eddie was going to get Buck's heart beating once more.
He didn't want to be free of Buck, he never had. Buck was the first person Eddie had ever wanted around at all hours of the day and night besides his son.
He wanted the arguments, he wanted the teasing over his inability to cook, he wanted the warm feeling in his chest as he watched Buck help Christopher with his homework, he wanted to share every moment of every day with the man who was apparently his soulmate.
He wanted it with everything he had, and he wasn't going to let it go before he had a chance to experience it properly.
“C’mon, Buck! Breathe, dammit!” Someone rammed his knee off of Buck’s wrist, likely trying to assess it properly. “Don’t you fucking dare leave me, don’t you dare leave Christopher.” He paused his compressions just long enough to force more air past Buck’s lips that had now begun to turn blue. “You don’t get to decide to leave me like this,” Someone grabbed him, but he shook them off quickly.
“Eddie,” Hen’s voice was full of grief, but he just shook his head. “Eddie, you need to stop.”
“No,” He didn’t even look up at her. “I’ll stop when he breathes again.”
“Eddie,” Bobby’s voice cracked, “He’s gone.”
“No,” As if to back up his words, his vision flickered. “He’s still hanging on, barely, so I’m not giving up on him.”
Before anyone could try to get him to stop again, Buck’s body convulsed as bloody water and vomit pushed its way violently past his lips. Eddie let out an incredulous laugh as he rolled Buck onto his side to keep him from aspirating.
“Yes! That’s it, Buck, get it out.” Eddie’s vision flickering once more as Buck’s eyes opened briefly before sliding shut, warning him that Buck wasn’t quite out of the woods yet.
There was a flurry of movement next to him, someone yanked him back by the collar of his uniform, then Buck was being pulled onto a backboard and taken away from him.
“N-no, wait!” He tried to move forward, but the grip remained ironclad. “I need-”
“-You’ll only be in their way,” Eddie twisted to find that it was Bobby holding him back. “You’ve done what you can, Eddie, now you need to let them do their jobs.”
Eddie prayed that would be enough.
***
“A coma?” The words felt wrong. The whole situation felt wrong.
“Yes,” The doctor, who’s name he hadn’t bothered to remember, shifted uncomfortably. “Between the blood loss and the several minutes without oxygen, we felt it best to place him in a light coma so that his heart, lungs, and brain have a chance to recover with as little strain as possible. We’ve also placed him, temporarily, on a ventilator for the same reason. He’s responding well to treatment so far, but he isn’t out of the woods yet. I assure you, we’re doing everything we can for him right now.”
He nodded numbly at the doctor as he stared through the viewing window, barely acknowledging when she walked away.
***
“I know you wanted me to read this, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to open it.” Eddie was sitting by Buck’s bedside, he’d barely left since Bobby had approved his emergency leave. “I just know that whatever you’ve written, whatever you thought, it’s wrong.” He thumbed at the envelope, wanting to know how long Buck had known they were soulmates but also terrified of the answer.
“But you were also right, I do have questions.”
Not giving himself the chance to chicken out again, Eddie popped the seal on the envelope and slid out the letter enclosed within. With shaking fingers, he unfolded the paper and began to read.
Eddie,
Surprise! I’m your soulmate, something you’ve unfortunately figured out if you’re reading this letter. I know I’m not what you were expecting, much less who you wanted, so I’m sorry for that.
Eddie made a noise of dissent, wishing he could tell Buck how wrong he was.
You’re probably wondering how long I’ve known, and I’ve gotta be honest, it actually took me a while to figure out who you were. I thought you’d died in Afghanistan after that helicopter went down before I ever had the chance to really know you, my only clues being that you were a medic and you had a son. It was hard to see him, but Christopher was the clue that stuck with me.
I’d often wonder about him; how he was doing, how much he must’ve missed you…then it turns out you're alive.
I didn't know when we first met, I didn't even know when you showed me Christopher’s photo on the way to the high-rise. It wasn't until you invited me in for dinner and I saw that same photo you’d been holding over there that I finally put the pieces together.
Needless to say, I kind of panicked.
Eddie huffed a laugh, sniffling. He remembered that night, how quickly Buck had left after they'd finished cleaning up, the way he'd watched Eddie and Chris in the days after. He'd chalked it up to Buck being curious over Eddie being a single dad, but now he knew he'd made the wrong assumption.
I was going to say something, I swear I was…but I didn't know how. Then Shannon came back and I found out you were still married. I figured there'd been some sort of mistake, ya know?
Why would someone be soulmates with someone of the same gender when they were clearly straight?
Then I figured, maybe I was coming to the wrong conclusions. It's why I started asking you such in-depth and personal questions after the bombing.
Eddie remembered that, too. The panic he’d swallowed down when Buck had asked if he'd ever been interested in men or experimented with guys. He'd chalked it up to the man being high on his pain meds and having no filter.
But you confirmed you were straight, so I figured the universe had made a mistake. That or it was playing a sick joke.
Then the tsunami happened.
I figured…maybe I should tell you. But you were still grieving for Shannon and reeling from almost losing Christopher. I didn’t want to burden you or make you feel like you had to pretend to be someone you weren’t just because we happened to be soulmates.
Besides, you deserved better than someone like me.
I destroy everything I touch, Eddie. I always have. I was so selfish for thinking this time would be any diff-
The words blurred too much for him to keep reading, tears were streaming silently down his face. He set the letter down with a gasp, a choked off sob bursting out of him as he covered his face with his hands.
When he finally had himself back under control, he picked the letter up once more with one hand and slipped the other into Buck’s lax grip.
I destroy everything I touch, Eddie, I always have. I was so selfish for thinking this time would be any different. It was only a matter of time before I destroyed something…I just didn’t think it would end with me destroying everything.
It’s why I have to do this.
I have to set you free so that I can’t ever drag you down with me.
I’m not going to lie and claim that setting you free from me is the only reason I’ve chosen this path. Part of me, maybe all of me, is being pretty selfish with this decision. At least, it feels selfish.
It also feels like my only choice.
The truth is, I’ve been on this path for a while, longer than I really want to admit to.
I’m tired, Eddie.
You were right to call me exhausting, I’ve thought it of myself for years. I just didn’t expect anyone to ever really say it out loud. I think I’d tricked myself into thinking that if the quiet part was never said out loud, then I’d get to stay.
Stay alive, stay with the 118, stay with you and Christopher…I just wanted to stay.
But I can’t.
So, I’m sorry you’re finding out the worst news of your life like this and I hope that one day you’ll forgive me for what I’ve done to you.
I love you, Eddie. I’ll always love you.
I’m sorry,
Buck
Eddie let the letter fall onto the bed, his now free hand moving to join the one gripping Buck’s. He brought Buck’s hand towards his chest, gripping it tightly as if he could squeeze everything he wanted to say into the limp limb.
“You were wrong, Buck,” Eddie rested his chin on the edge of the bed. “You need to come back so that I can tell you how wrong you are.”
Eddie drifted off, wishing more than anything that he could tell Buck how loved he was.
How loved he is.
***
A few days later, they were removing the ventilator and lifting the sedation currently keeping Buck in a coma. Eddie felt restless as he waited for any sign of Buck beginning to wake. A twitch, a sigh, something.
But so far nothing had happened.
The wound on Buck’s wrist had begun to show signs of healing and his most recent brain scan had looked promising, there was no lingering fluid in his lungs, his heart had recovered, his broken sternum and ribs from Eddie’s aggressive CPR efforts were also showing signs of being on the mend.
But Buck stubbornly refused to wake up.
Eddie had even taken to calling Christopher on speaker to let the kid chat at Buck about his day. Anything to entice him into waking…even though that wasn’t exactly how it worked.
***
One morning, Eddie was woken by the leg under his head shifting. He shot up with a sharp inhale, standing just in time to see Buck’s face scrunch up with a pained frown before Buck’s eyes blinked open, sluggish and full of confusion.
“Buck,” He practically breathed the man’s name, a weight lifting off his chest at seeing Buck’s beautiful blue eyes. “You’re awake.” Buck didn’t react to him beyond a tired blink, his eyes traveling slowly around the room.
Eddie didn’t think much of it as he reached over Buck’s shoulder to hit the call button so that he could alert the nurses to Buck being awake. Moments later, he was being gently pushed out of the room so that Buck could be evaluated.
While he paced a hole into the floor outside of the room, he managed to remember to send off a text in the group chat to let everyone know that Buck was awake and being evaluated, he wasn’t expecting anyone to respond since he knew the 118 was out on a call while Athena and Maddie were also on their own shifts.
An hour later, the door to Buck’s room opened enough for the doctor to slip out.
“Mister Diaz?”
“Hi, yes, that’s me. Is Buck okay?”
“Mister Buckley is very tired, something that’s to be expected after almost two and a half weeks in a coma.” She lifted up a clipboard, flipping through her notes. “He’s currently slow to react and process his surroundings, another thing that’s to be expected. His memory seems to be intact and his vocal response is weak but steady. Given the ventilator, that’s-”
“-To be expected.” He nodded impatiently, only feeling a little bad about cutting her off. “What about his motor skills?”
“Too early to tell.” The doctor shot him a hard look, slightly annoyed. “When he’s able to stay awake for longer, we’ll get him going with PT. Right now, however, he’s too stiff and physically weak for anything more than half a conversation.”
“Is he still awake?”
“No, he was already falling asleep before I slipped out.” Eddie’s shoulders slumped. “Mister Diaz…Mister Buckley is being incredibly agreeable to treatment.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“Not…usually, no. But in this case, I believe it may be cause for concern. When he spoke, there was almost no inflection, facial cues were minimal…Mister Buckley was brought in after an almost successful suicide attempt, I believe he may be emotionally shut down due to the knowledge that he survived.”
“You think he’s being agreeable so that no one looks too closely?”
“I think he’s being agreeable because he’s survived and doesn’t know how to process that fact.” The doctor sighed. “Now that he’s awake, he won’t be allowed to be alone until he can be evaluated to find out if he still poses a risk to himself.”
“He won’t be, I’ll be here and so will the rest of our family.” The doctor nodded, accepting his assurance without a fight.
***
The next time Buck woke, Eddie was in the middle of updating Athena but he was quick to put his phone away when he heard Buck’s sharp inhale.
“Hey, Buck.” The man in question let out a small groan as he shifted.
“‘Die?” His name was slurred, Buck’s eyes barely open as he registered who’s sitting next to him.
“Yeah, it’s me.” He leaned over the bed, stroking Buck’s cheek and trying not to feel hurt when the man flinched.
“Wha’re ya doin’ here?” His voice was flat beyond the exhaustion, eyes staying closed even as his face turned towards Eddie.
“Where else would I be?”
“Free…”
“No, baby, I’m right where I want to be.” Buck’s forehead crinkled as his eyebrows pulled together in confusion. “I know you don’t believe me, but I’ll spend however long it takes proving it to you, I swear.”
“No…” Buck squeezed his eyes shut tighter as he whined and turned his face away. “‘pose to be free.”
“I don’t want to be free from you, Buck. I never wanted that.” Buck shook his head, looking a little green as he did so. “Baby, can you look at me? Please?” Buck stubbornly refused to look at him. “Okay, you don’t have to look at me, but I’d appreciate it if you listened to me.” He bit down on a triumphant grin when Buck’s head turned slightly towards him.
“I regret what I said to you that day in the grocery store.” Buck’s body seemed to freeze, his breath hitching. “I should’ve called you, or shown up at the loft, but I kept chickening out. I told myself that you probably hated me, that you had every right to hang up on me or slam the door in my face for how deeply I hurt you…but I was also so afraid of that happening that I didn’t even let myself try to fix things. Because of that, you were left believing you were alone and unwanted when that couldn’t have been further from the truth.”
Buck shifted, his head turning a bit more towards Eddie. His eyes relaxed, although they still remained shut.
“Why?” Buck’s voice cracked, devastation bleeding through. “Why?” His eyes cracked open, revealing blood-shot blue eyes. “I was trying to set you free, I was trying to let you move on.”
“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I didn’t want that?” Their eyes met, both full of pain. “I didn’t want to be free of you, Buck, and I damn sure didn’t want to move on from you. Hell, I hadn’t even had a chance to truly love you yet.”
“I would’ve destroyed you, I’m always ruining everything.” Buck’s chin trembled, his voice coming out small. “I did ruin everything.”
“No you didn’t.” Eddie cupped Buck’s cheek, resting their foreheads together. “You didn’t ruin anything, baby.” Buck made a sound, somewhere between want and fear. “If you let me, I’ll prove it to you.”
“H-how?”
“However I can, for the rest of our lives.” He pulled back to meet Buck’s teary gaze. “But I’m going to start with a promise.” He watched Buck frown in confusion, exhaustion creeping back in quickly. “I promise that no matter what, I’ll always be by your side. I promise to never turn my back on you like that ever again, I’ll get your side of things like I should have this time. I promise that I’ll spend the rest of our lives showing you how much I love you.”
Buck’s eyes went wide.
“Y-you…love me?” Eddie’s heart broke at the sheer disbelief present on Buck’s face and in his voice.
“I do. I really, really do,” He leaned forward once more to kiss Buck’s birthmark. “I love you, Buck, I should have said that to you sooner.”
“I-I love you too,” Eddie huffed a laugh, kissing Buck’s birthmark one more time before pulling away.
“Get some more sleep, baby. I promise I’ll be here when you wake up.”
“…And after?” Buck’s eyes were already beginning to droop.
“Every step of the way.” He threaded his fingers with Buck’s as he sat back down in his chair next to the bed.
“Even on the bad days?” His blinks were getting longer, his voice softer, making Eddie melt.
“Especially on the bad days.”
Buck mumbled something, too far gone for it to be understood as he slipped under into sleep. Eddie lifted Buck’s sleep-lax hand to his lips, kissing it gently before settling it back on the bed.
They had a long road ahead of them, and they both definitely needed therapy, but for the first time in his life, Eddie felt truly hopeful about whatever the future held.
Now he just needed to find a way to sneak Christopher it to surprise Buck.