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1. A Vampire, Idiot by Cassandra_Goth

   Fandoms: Zoolander (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight (Movies)  

   • Teen And Up Audiences
   • No Archive Warnings Apply, Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
   • F/M
   • Work in Progress

   17 Oct 2026

   Tags

   • No Archive Warnings Apply
   • Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
   • Matilda Jeffries/Derek Zoolander
   • Hansel & Derek Zoolander
   • Edward Cullen/Bella Swan
   • Derek Zoolander
   • Matilda Jeffries
   • Edward Cullen
   • Bella Swan
   • Hansel (Zoolander)
   • Jacobim Mugatu
   • Aro (Twilight)
   • Heidi (Twilight)
   • Charlie Swan
   • The Volturi (Twilight)
   • Taylor Swift's Fuckass Jet
   • Jacob Black
   • Crack
   • Parody
   • Comedy
   • Vampire Bites
   • Blood Drinking
   • Fashion Crimes
   • Really Really Ridiculously Good-Looking Vampires
   • humor and angst
   • Dark Comedy
   • Satire
   • Billy Zane Is a Cool Dude
   • Don't Examine the Timeline Too Closely
   • VH1 Male Model of the Year Award winner
   • The Volvo People
   • Blue Steel As A Concussive Beam
   • Vampires
   • Werewolves
   • But Why Male Models?
   • Might Include MCD (Author Wants A Eugoogoly)
   • Absurd
   • TDZCFKWCRGAWWLTDOSGT
   • Post-Canon
   • ish
   • Crossover
   • Canon-Typical Absurdity
   • Vampire Derek Zoolander
   • Derek Zoolander is a Vampire
   • Vampire Transformation
   • Edward Cullen Being Edward Cullen
   • Canon Divergence
   • Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence
   • Twilight Parody
   • zoolander parody
   • Crossover Parody
   • Supernatural Elements
   • Idiots
   • Misunderstandings
   • Identity Reveal
   • The Volturi - Freeform
   • Forks Washington
   • Male Models
   • fashion industry
   • 2000s pop culture
   • Pop Culture References
   • No Beta We Die In a Freak Gasoline Fight Accident
   • Like Rufus Brink and Meekus
   • Who Were Like Brothers To Me
   • And When I Say Brother I Don't Mean Like An Actual Brother
   • But I Mean It Like The Way Black People Use It
   • Which Is More Meaningful I Think
   • Dumbass Stays Dumb
   • Fix-It

   Summary

   “This is the skin of a killer, Matilda.”

   Derek stood in the sun, his skin sparkling beneath a familiar, devastating pout. He called it his signature look, but beyond the shimmer lay a terrible secret: Derek Zoolander was a vampire.

   It all started years ago. They said it couldn’t be done. No one could win Vh1’s Male Model of the Year four years in a row. But beauty was the essence of wetness, and wetness was the essence of blood.
   __
   This fic’s title narrowly beat out 2 Sparkly 2 Zoolander. This is first and foremost a fix-it fic that asks, what would it have taken for Derek Zoolander to have won a fourth time?
   

   Language:

   English

   Words:

   3,169

   Chapters:

   2/?

   Comments:

   25

   Kudos:

   19

   Bookmarks:

   2

   Hits:

   112

2. Bookmarked by hanararaaa

   08 Sep 2026

   Rec

   Bookmark Notes:

   Peak

3. Bookmarked by altereffect (Bettercallsian)

   17 Aug 2026

   Public Bookmark