Chapter Text
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
At age 3, Lu Guang was sent to a foster home.
It’s why he doesn’t remember his parents.
But it’s fine.
At age 3, his childlike self was already self-aware enough that he needed to make himself as quiet as possible to not cause any trouble in his new home.
(No, he wasn’t self-aware.
He was a child, a baby. He barely remembers that time in his life, so why is he lying?)
For the longest time, it made no one notice Lu Guang, which he preferred. After all, he was way too aware that only shady people came to this orphanage.
At age 3, Lu Guang was self-aware like that.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
At age 5, Lu Guang discovered he had a superpower.
He barely remembers how it happened.
All he knows is that one day he didn’t have it.
The next day he was experimenting with different pictures.
At age 5, Lu Guang thought he was sneaky with his experiments.
At age 5, Lu Guang was self-aware enough to know when he got caught and what that would mean.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
At age 6, Lu Guang got adopted.
Or more like fostered.
He was a child, but he could understand the adults around him perfectly clearly.
Lu Guang wasn’t adopted out of love.
No, he was adopted to be an investment. A repayment for a man called Lu Dashan. His new ‘adoptive father’ would want intel on his enemies. And Lu Guang, with his powers, would give it to his father. After all, Lu Guang was self-aware enough to realize that this was a give-or-take situation.
‘’Give me intel, and only then you get your dinner. You understand, right?’’
And Lu Guang would look at the smashed-in lunchbox in front of him, a hopeful shine in his eyes, and nod with as much determination as one could have. It wasn’t like it was a hard job. Only use his powers to look into some pictures, and then he would be fit.
At age 6, Lu Guang wasn’t self-aware enough that his father would demand more and give less.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
Lu Guang was still at age 6 when he got his first punishment.
It had stung.
It was a pain he had never felt before. And all he could do was stare his father in the eyes with fear shining through them. But the cold glance in his father's eyes didn’t falter. His face was angry as he shouted all kinds of insults.
Lu Guang didn’t understand.
It was only when his father threw a couple of pictures at him that Lu Guang knew where he messed up.
He gave false intel.
Lu Guang was self-aware enough that this meant no food for today.
After all, he screwed up. So he needs to be punished for it, that makes sense. That was fair. Lu Guang, at age 6, knew that that’s a logical solution. His father made that new rule to discipline Lu Guang into only getting good results.
At age 6, Lu Guang got his first punishment, but those bruises never completely faded.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
Lu Guang was almost 7 years old when his adoptive father added new things to the punishment.
Instead of only using physical force, he decided to use words now as well.
‘’You are so useless!’’
‘’You don’t deserve anything with your attitude!’’
‘’No one could ever love you if you can’t even tell things apart!’’
‘’What a stupid fucking child, can’t even repay your father?!’’
‘’I should’ve left you to rot in hell!’’
At age 6,5 Lu Guang was self-aware enough to realize that he would prefer those blue paintings on his body more than those words.
But Lu Guang was a strong person.
After all, everybody always told him how mature he was for his age.
So Lu Guang was self-aware enough to realize that his adoptive father's words weren’t true.
Lu Guang was worthy of love and a family. He was worthy of a lot of things.
And one day his father would see it. He just needed to work harder.
At age 6,5 Lu Guang was self-aware enough to realize that even he is worthy of love.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
It was Lu Guang’s 7th birthday.
But he doubts that his adoptive father knew.
And even if he did, Lu Guang was self-aware enough to realize that he wouldn’t care.
Instead of celebrating Lu Guang’s birthday, they were celebrating something else.
Lu Guang’s first big successful job.
His adoptive father was screaming in happiness, laughing as Lu Guang had never heard him laugh before. Money was being washed on his father’s face as he cackled.
And Lu Guang felt his chest swell with pride. He did that. He did it for his father. Surely that means he gets food for a week, long before another job, right?
At age 7, Lu Guang was self-aware enough to realize that he was worthy of love if he kept proving himself.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
At age 7, Lu Guang was self-aware enough to realize that he was wrong.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
When he was 7, Lu Guang got his worst punishment ever.
Because of those kicks to his head,
Because of all those punches to his already broken body,
Because of all that throwing Lu Guang to the wall,
Because of all that locking Lu Guang up in the closet,
Because of all those painful insults that went straight to his heart,
Lu Guang felt his throat itch up.
At first he thought it was just a cold, after all, he was self-aware enough that the closet didn’t have a heater. It was winter, and Lu Guang only had a thin shirt on. It made sense that he would be freezing and maybe get a fever.
So he ignored the itch.
Especially the burning urge to cough.
At age 7, Lu Guang was self-aware enough that colds were normal.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
Throughout his 7th year on this earth, Lu Guang’s cold never went away.
The urge was always there, burning at the back of his throat. Sometimes a few coughs would escape, but nothing would come out. The urge to throw up started to become something familiar. Something that would happen monthly.
But Lu Guang wasn’t worried.
After all, what did it matter?
His body was in a worse shape, so he needed to focus on that.
After all, at age 7, Lu Guang could already bandage himself.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
At age 8, Lu Guang coughed up a petal.
At age 8, Lu Guang coughed up a petal.
Even at age 8, Lu Guang knew this wasn’t normal. After all, which cold has symptoms of coughing up petals?
But he didn’t tell anyone.
Not like he could.
Lu Guang only has his adoptive father in his life.
At age 8, Lu Guang was self-aware enough to realize that he had nobody in his life.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
Lu Guang was 9 when he met a boy on the train trail.
It wasn't supposed to happen.
He just wanted to warn the idiot that what he was doing was stupid. Doesn’t the kid realize what kind of damage that could do to trains? He was trying to do some good here. Save someone else because Lu Guang is capable of that.
It’s what his adoptive father told him.
Lu Guang is somebody who can save lives with his power.
Lu Guang is more mature than other children at his age, so he should act like it.
Lu Guang was too grown up to indulge himself in childish acts.
Lu Guang is a giver, not a taker.
He tried to do good, yet it ended with the two of them in a fight.
But it’s fine, Lu Guang was used to it. So he could hold his own. The other child's punches rarely hurt, was only an annoyance. Especially when his punches came closer to his lungs. The itch to cough would burn even more, which was annoying. But at least it didn’t hurt.
Still at age 9, Lu Guang wished they could’ve been friends instead.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
Lu Guang was still 9 when he met the boy again.
Doing the same stupid stuff as last time.
He stopped him, of course, which is what Lu Guang does best.
He was half expecting another big blow-up fight, just like yesterday. But instead of anger, the boy now looked at Lu Guang with kind and pitying eyes. His touch was delicate on his skin as he stared at Lu Guang’s bruised body. Offering bandages, offering a hospital. Offering a beating to whoever did this to him.
It was annoying.
Lu Guang is fine.
He has the maturity to control his feelings.
Still, when the other boy offered his hand and then decided to drag him anyway, Lu Guang didn’t manage to say no.
At age 9, Lu Guang had his wish come true.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
At age 9, two boys became inseparable.
When Lu Guang wasn’t doing his job, he was outside with Cheng Xiaoshi.
Cheng Xiaoshi.
His friend.
He was a bit too naive for Lu Guang, especially because the other kid was older. But Lu Guang couldn’t resist those childlike eyes. And for once he thinks that this is okay too. After all, wasn’t he a child as well? His eyes should be looking like Cheng Xiaoshi's.
At age 9, Lu Guang was aware that Cheng Xiaoshi’s smile was big enough that it could count for two.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
At age 5, Lu Guang discovered he had powers.
At age 9, Lu Guang was teaching Cheng Xiaoshi about his powers.
He told him about the general rules of superpowers. Something which Lu Guang was already prepared for.
Lu Guang was self-aware enough that rules keep people in place.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
Lu Guang is 10 when he learns how to control his growing coughs.
Luckily, the petals only came sometimes.
But Lu Guang was mature enough to clean them up and throw them away. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to let his adoptive father know. It was just because a clean place is the best place for a person. He’s self-aware enough that his adoptive father wouldn’t be cleaning, so it was up to Lu Guang.
Lu Guang’s next wish was that his adoptive father would never find out about the petals.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
Lu Guang got his wish again.
Only this time it ended up with his adoptive father in handcuffs.
And Lu Guang running away from home.
Maybe Lu Guang should care more that his adoptive father was getting arrested.
But all on his mind was to go to their meeting space for their promise. After all Cheng Xiaoshi was going to help him. All he needed was a picture.
Lu Guang got the picture he promised Cheng Xiaoshi.
It was a picture of Lu Guang when he was 3 years old. From a time Lu Guang can’t even remember. But it would help him to find out more about his biological parents.
Only for there to be no Cheng Xiaoshi at their meeting spot.
And not for the next couple of days.
And who knows after that?
The police found him already, and Lu Guang was a responsible child. So he went with them without crying or screaming.
Cheng Xiaoshi couldn’t save Lu Guang from this hellhole.
But Lu Guang was self-aware enough to know that he wasn’t disappointed.
Lu Guang isn’t.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
Lu Guang was 10 when he got sent to a place for troubled youth.
Which does not mean anything, as Lu Guang was self-aware enough to know he’s not. Yet he has to stay here because who else can take him in?
At least life wasn’t so bad here.
He didn’t have to constantly use his powers anymore, which would make him exhausted for days on end.
His body could finally heal from being black and blue the whole time.
He didn’t have to beg for food anymore.
He didn’t get punishments if he failed to do something.
So life wasn’t that bad here.
People did stare at him and whispered sweet toxins.
They would call him all kinds of names.
But it was fine.
After all, Lu Guang was self-aware enough to know that it wasn’t true.
Lu Guang didn’t believe anything the people were saying.
The coughing got worse.
Luckily, Lu Guang didn’t have a roommate.
So cleaning up wasn’t annoying.
The frequency with which he coughed up petals was more alarming.
It was only when he finally got his hands on a flower book that he realized which flowers he was coughing up now for a few years.
Anemones.
Meaning forsaken love.
Lu Guang should be more worried that he has been coughing up petals for years now. That wasn’t a normal disease.
Yet all he could do was just stare at the broken-down flower with a frown. It was somewhat beautiful. Still, it didn’t mean much when it was coughed up from his own body. But at the same time, he was fascinated that something so beautiful came out of himself.
Lu Guang was self-aware enough to know that when something beautiful comes out of you, you should cherish it.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
Lu Guang was 11 when his first beating happened.
He doesn’t know why people don’t like him.
Shouldn’t they be like him?
They were all troubled here, so why was he the odd man out?
Why were they only whispering about him?
But whispers and talking behind was fine. It wasn’t anything hurtful, so it was okay. But maybe that made their resentment grow?
Because Lu Guang was a mature child and he doesn’t let words eat him alive.
So he didn’t take it personally when a group of fourteen-year-olds grabbed him by the collar. Didn’t flinch when they pushed him in a bathroom stall. Didn’t defend himself as they took turns kicking him.
Lu Guang was used to it.
He wondered how Cheng Xiaoshi was doing.
His mind was barely there when the group finally stopped.
Lu Guang didn’t know how long he sat on the bathroom floor just staring at the ceiling. Only when the urge to throw up was getting intenser he finally move his broken body to the toilet seat.
He coughed and coughed.
And then a new flower petal came out of Lu Guang.
It was a pity, he was used to the other one.
Instead of one petal coming out of him, this time there were a couple.
Lu Guang is self-aware enough to know he should care more. But as he stared down at the flowers swimming around while blood dripped out of his nose.
He didn’t care.
But it was okay.
It shows that at age 11, Lu Guang was a mature child.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
He was 11 when the flower changed from anemones to Lily Of The Valley.
Mourning.
Well, his body wasn’t wrong about that.
Lu Guang was mourning Cheng Xiaoshi.
How could he not?
How could he not when Cheng Xiaoshi was the only light in his life?
He wondered how he was doing.
It’s been barely a year since he last saw the other. Yet his mind kept replaying their short time together. There weren’t a lot of memories, but it was all Lu Guang had. So he kept thinking of Cheng Xiaoshi as he was on the bathroom floor again.
And again.
And again.
Lu Guang was self-aware enough that the memories of happier days kept him going.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
Lu Guang was 13 when he realized he couldn’t recall what Cheng Xiaoshi sounded like.
It drove him to a panic.
And a maniacal coughing session in the bathroom.
It felt like the Lily Of The Valley was mocking him.
Lu Guang was 13 when he became self-aware of his own flaws.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
Lu Guang was still 13 when he realized he couldn’t recall what Cheng Xiaoshi looked like.
In his memories, the face was just blurry.
And Lu Guang panicked more.
He already couldn’t recall Cheng Xiaoshi’s voice anymore.
But how could he forget what he looked like?
What kind of friend was Lu Guang?
How could he forget something so important about somebody that he cherishes?
Lu Guang was horrible.
Lu Guang was a horrible person.
Maybe it was better Cheng Xiaoshi never came. Maybe Lu Guang was destined to become a bad person. Maybe he was more like his adoptive father than he thought.
Maybe Lu Guang is just a bad person.
After all, didn’t he comply with all his adoptive father's requests?
He could’ve just rejected those.
He could’ve called the police on his adoptive father before he even got caught.
And yet he didn’t.
Maybe Lu Guang was in denial about how much he actually had a choice or not. Everybody has choices, right? So why didn’t Lu Guang take them when he was younger?
It must be because he was a
bad person.
Maybe the kids here always knew that. And that’s why they did it. To protect each other from the monster sleeping next to him. It makes sense.
Lu Guang doesn’t blame them anymore.
It must be because he was a
bad person.
At age 13, Lu Guang became self-aware that he was a horrible person.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
Lu Guang was 13 when the flowers changed again.
Black dahlias came with blood.
Lu Guang didn’t even realize that at first. He thought the blood on the petals was blood that came from his wounds.
It was only when he had a peaceful two days that ended in a coughing session that he realized there was blood now. Is that why they tasted so bitter now? Or was it from the small thorn that made his home now?
Is that why they have been harder to cough up lately?
Black dahlias meant betrayal.
Or dishonestly.
Which made him confused.
But then his mind flickered to a bright smile and black hair. The only thing he remembers from Cheng Xiaoshi.
And then the flower makes sense.
Lu Guang did betray him.
He betrayed Cheng Xiaoshi by forgetting about him.
At age 13, Lu Guang was self-aware that he was a horrible person.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
At age 14, the black dahlias haven’t gone away.
But Lu Guang doesn’t think that much about them anymore.
He only stared at them when he missed a certain black-haired person. After all, the black petals reminded him of the only thing he still remembers.
Lu Guang didn’t even remember his name anymore.
Still, Lu Guang became self-aware enough about his coughing problem.
He now knows how to properly hide the flowers within a few seconds so nobody would find out.
He learned which bathroom stalls are the least occupied during which hours.
He learned to feel when the blood would be more or less.
He learned how to get the smell of blood gone within a couple of minutes and how to properly clean it.
He learned that the thorns hurt less if he pulled them out quickly enough.
At age 14, Lu Guang learnt a lot.
After all he had to. There was nobody you could rely on more than yourself.
At age 14, Lu Guang was self-aware enough to know that nothing would ever change.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
Lu Guang was 16 when he got permission to move out.
He got a place of his own now.
He finally doesn’t need anyone anymore.
His body can finally begin to properly heal after all these years.
The bruises and wounds went away.
Yet the scars were still there.
And Black Dhalias.
They never left.
Still, Lu Guang has his own place now, so he doesn’t need to hide that badly anymore.
He got his first job at a crappy store in a crappy neighbourhood. But at least it pays him, and nobody bothers him.
Lu Guang started learning how to cook.
He now knows which cleaning stuff he needs to get.
He finally can practice his powers again, in less secrecy.
He can control his powers now.
At age 16, Lu Guang finally goes to the doctor for his coughing problem.
Lu Guang was already self-aware enough to realize it was a disease.
Yet, he hoped that it wouldn’t be the case.
After all, there wasn’t a cure for Hanahaki Disease.
Only for the unrequited love to be requited.
But Lu Guang didn’t have anyone he loved.
Still he learned to manage his problem.
It wasn’t fatal yet anyway, so all was fine.
The daily coughing sessions weren’t bad.
So all in all, Lu Guang was a perfect, mature adult already.
At age 16, Lu Guang was self-aware enough to know that he didn’t need anyone.
❀˖°⩇⩇:⩇⩇˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀
Lu Guang was 18 when he met Cheng Xiaoshi again.