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Consciousness was odd when you abstracted. It wasn’t just in one place, it was everywhere and nowhere, or at least that’s what it felt like to Jax, who had spent the last six months getting used to it. He was inside his own mind, sitting on the ground and leaning against a lamplight, and he was also outside his mind, resting in the tent as an abstracted beast. He perceived both states perfectly, at the same time. The only time his consciousness wasn’t fractured was when he was exposed to light, and then Jax only perceived himself as the many eyed beast and lost his sanity.
Right now, Jax was out of the light, but he wasn’t far from it, as his bestial form was sitting close to the entrance of the tent where he was kept, gazing out at the people who were currently occupying the common area of the circus. He often did this whenever he wasn’t sleeping. He had observed a lot over the six months since he abstracted. He saw the others use their new conjuring powers to build new things. He saw them as they went to, and exited from, new adventures or outings. And he often saw them just sitting, talking to each other, occasionally laughing, as they were doing now.
They were happy. Happier than they were before anyway. Jax could see that, clear as day. Their eyes were brighter, their smiles less strained, and their laughter was fuller and came easier.
“And to think, all I needed to do was exit: stage left.” Jax said out loud within the confines of his own mind, letting out a dark laugh.
As he watched the others from the outside, he leaned back against the lamplight and reflected, as he often did. It’s not like he had anything else to do. So he thought and thought and reflected and ruminated and then thought some more. And he came to a conclusion.
It was good that he abstracted. It really did fix everything. Now that he was gone, everyone else could breath a little easier. And the circus undoubtedly got better.
His mind flashed to when he encountered Pomni inside his mind six months ago.
“I don’t want to go.”
It was the last thing he said to her.
“How stupid.” He scoffed out loud.
Just a stupid thing said by a stupid rabbit in the heat of the moment. He abstracted in part because he believed that things would be better without him, and as far as he was concerned, he had been proven right. The others no doubt thought so too, even though they still visited him in his tent from time to time.
Jax had no doubt that those little visits would eventually end. They’ll get sick of seeing his ugly, bestial self and move on and be happy without him while he rots inside his tent for eternity, justly forgotten. Any day now…
Jax continued to observe the others from the safety of his tent. They were talking to each other at the sitting area. Ragatha was sipping a cup of what Jax assumed was tea and discussing something animatedly.
Whenever she came to visit, she would sometimes just chatter at Jax about whatever came to her mind, but at other times, much to Jax’s chagrin, Ragatha would reminisce about the old days. Like that one time where he and Ribbit had saved her from a horde of zombies in a survival horror themed adventure Caine had cooked up. Or that one time where he and Kaufmo taught her the tricks to winning those dumb little carnival games. Oh god, how he hated that. He couldn’t stand to think about those times, it hurt too much.
Sitting next to Ragatha, was Gangle and Zooble. Zooble was saying something to Ragatha, while Gangle was contentedly drawing something in her sketchbook.
Gangle and Zooble would visit Jax together. They never really say much to him, which was perfectly fine by Jax, they would both just sit in the tent with him and keep him company. Jax would watch Gangle draw whatever in her sketchbook, and Gangle would always show him the finished artwork and would explain to him what it was she drew.
Except, for that one time, about five days ago, Zooble came to Jax alone. They just stared at Jax with the saddest look on their face that Jax had ever seen on them, and tried to say something to him.
“I...I’m so sorry, I...I should have...”
Zooble started breathing more heavily.
“You...you were...and I...”
They then turned around and ran out of the tent.
Jax was completely stumped. He had no idea what Zooble was trying to say to him. What the hell did they have to be sorry for? When he saw them come in alone, he thought that finally one of them was going to yell at him and berate him. He had been expecting that for a long time now, but for some reason, none of them ever did.
Jax did a brief scan of the common area. He didn’t see Kinger or Caine around this time. They were most likely at the aquarium. According to the others, the aquarium doubled as a research center for those two. Apparently, they were trying to research ways to recover people from abstraction.
“What a waste of time.” Jax said to himself.
As far as Jax was concerned, there was no coming back from abstraction. If there was, Caine would have figured that out a long time ago. And besides, if they did find a way to reverse abstraction, why would they use it on him? They’d probably bring back everyone else and leave him to waste away in the tent. Which was fine, Jax thought. He understood why.
Still, Kinger and Caine would drop in from time to time, and they would measure him and run tests on him. They weren’t invasive, typically it was just Kinger using his conjuring powers on Jax whilst Caine took notes on whatever Kinger told him. It still felt...weird though. Jax wasn’t sure what the point of all that was. Kinger would speak to him like he was a doctor and Jax was a patient at a hospital, while Caine...well, he was still Caine, but...more agreeable.
Oh yeah, Caine. Caine actually came back, right after his abstraction, apparently. Jax couldn’t stop laughing when he found out. His abstraction was such a net positive for literally everyone that Caine came back and turned over a new leaf when it happened. It was the funniest thing he ever heard. Did all of the world’s wars also stop? Did the people of the world join hands and sing Kumbaya? It was so funny he couldn’t stop crying.
Jax shook his head. Enough of that. He fixed his gaze back to the sitting area, and saw Pomni laying on the sofa. Her. Jax’s many eyes widened, and within his mind, Jax clenched his fists and held his breath. He was convinced that everyone in the circus was happy that he was gone, but her…
Pomni was the only one who seemed to want him back.
“How...how stupid...” Jax muttered to himself.
She was stupid to want him back. After everything he done. And she saw everything too! She saw it all six months ago when she entered Jax’s mind. And while the others would visit from time to time, Pomni would visit Jax everyday. What was she thinking? She knew exactly what he was. What kind of person he was, what kind of things he did. So why? Why did she keep visiting him every damn day?
Jax felt tears form in his eyes, and he quickly wiped them away.
“She’ll forget you one day too, you idiot.” He told himself. “One day she’ll visit you for the last time, and that’ll be it. She’ll realize that it was a waste of time to ever care about someone like you...”
Jax couldn’t stop staring at her. She was just laying there on the sofa he used to claim back when he was still among them, but Pomni looked so beautiful, even when she wasn’t doing anything special. The way she laughed, the way she smiled, the kind way she talked to him whenever she visited, the way her eyes would get real big whenever she saw him sometimes…
Jax felt his chest warm up. He cursed himself for feeling this way. He didn’t deserve Pomni. She should hate him. She should hate him and leave him to rot and he didn’t understand why she didn’t.
Pomni had just sat up, and said something to the group. She then stood up and started walking to the tent…
Oh shit, she’s coming over! Jax moved away from the entrance and back to the middle area of the tent. He supposed that Pomni was going to have her daily visit now, though it was a bit earlier than usual…
Pomni stepped into the tent, and smiled when she saw him.
“Hey Jax. How are you doing?”
She walked slowly over to him, crouched down, and started petting him. Kinger and Caine apparently found out how to physically touch the abstracted without glitching, and taught it to everyone. Pomni had became rather affectionate when that happened, which Jax was happy about.
“I have some good news today!” Pomni said excitedly. “Kinger and Caine managed to bring Kaufmo back last night!”
What?
All of Jax’s eyes opened wide, and inside, Jax bolted up out of surprise.
“Hehe, I thought that would interest you. Yeah, he’s back. He’s very weak though. From what I’ve heard, he keeps going in and out of consciousness, and he flips out whenever Caine gets near him, but...they did it. They brought him back.”
Pomni then frowned at Jax.
“But...yesterday, I talked to Kinger about you. According to him, you’ve stopped shrinking for two weeks straight, even though you’ve been steadily getting smaller ever since we brought you into this tent. And...”
Pomni takes a deep breath.
“...Kinger told me that you had actually gotten slightly bigger. I asked him if it was because something was wrong with you. Like if you were sick or something. But he didn’t think so. He...he said that it was likely something psychological. Like...like you...like you’ve given up.”
Pomni wiped away the tears that were starting to form.
“Is...is that it, Jax? Have you given up?” She looked at him with those big eyes of hers. “Do you...do you not want to come back?”
Jax looked away.
“Jax, please look at me...”
Jax slithered away to one of the corners of the tent.
Pomni was silent for a moment.
“Fine, okay. If that’s how you want to do it. I’ll be back.”
Pomni turned on her heels and promptly exited the tent.
The way in which she said that made every hair in Jax’s fur stand on end. There was more determination and steel in her voice then than he had ever heard before. It made him nervous...
Jax looked back at the entrance, and slithered over to peer outside. He watched as Pomni walked back to the group at the sitting area, and start to talk to them. He saw their smiling faces droop into concern as Pomni talked. Then Pomni started walking towards the hall that leads to their rooms, and the rest of the group all got up and followed her.
Jax’s eyes narrowed. That was...odd. What was she planning, exactly? He watched them disappear down the hall. Was Pomni trying to get them all to convince him to come back? Like that would work. As far as Jax was concerned, Pomni was the only one who actually wanted him back. He couldn’t see the others agreeing to do it. Besides, they would just come straight to the tent if that was the case. Why did they go down that hall? Where they hoping to get Kinger, or Caine? No, if that was the case, then they wouldn’t have headed towards their rooms, they would head towards the aquarium. What the fuck was she thinking?
After a while, they all came back. They had taken a lot of Zooble’s extra parts and fashioned a makeshift rope that was tied around Pomni’s waist, and held by Ragatha, Zooble, and Gangle. It reminded Jax of…
No. No she can’t be. She can’t be thinking of doing that again. The last time Pomni had entered Jax’s mind six months ago, she almost abstracted along with him. They had all agreed not to do that again because of how dangerous it was. They all started to walk towards the tent…
Jax reeled back. Oh god oh fuck, they’re gonna do it. What if things go wrong? What if Pomni actually abstracts this time, and Jax is yet again responsible for someone dying? No, not her. I’ve already ruined so much, Jax thought. Please not her. Within his mind, Jax started hyperventilating.
“Jax.”
He looked up. Pomni was standing inside the tent, the makeshift Zooble rope wrapped tightly around her waist.
Without another word, Pomni embraces Jax.
-
Jax was panicking. He was hyperventilating and muttering to himself.
“No no no, you can’t do this. You can’t be doing this...”
There was a flash of blinding white light, and Pomni appeared. She shook her head and looked around until she found Jax, standing under the lamplight.
“P-Pomni! You-”
Jax wasn’t able to finish his sentence, because as soon as she saw him, Pomni charged Jax with blinding speed, jumped and tackled him, pinning him to the ground.
“WHY AREN’T YOU COMING BACK!?” She yelled, raising a hand and smacking Jax with an open palm across his face.
Jax felt disoriented for a moment.
“Pomni, what the hell-”
“YOU TOLD ME, THE LAST TIME WE SAW EACH OTHER, SIX MONTHS AGO! YOU SAID- FUCKING LOOK AT ME JAX -YOU SAID TO ME THAT YOU DIDN’T WANT TO GO!” Pomni was crying, her tears falling off her face and onto Jax.
“It was...it was the last thing you said to me, as I held you in my arms, before...before...” She broke down, collapsing on top of Jax.
Jax was stunned for a moment, but he then collected himself and embraced Pomni. It broke his heart to see her like this. He gently rubbed her back as she cried into his chest in an attempt to comfort her. He tried to think of something to say to her, but he came up empty. He sighed, and held her as she sobbed.
“Why do I always hurt the people I care about? She should just forget about me, that way she wouldn’t have to feel like this...” Jax thought.
Pomni then wiped away her tears and sat up, still pinning Jax to the ground.
“What’s wrong, Jax? Please talk to me.”
She looked down at him with her big, wide eyes. Eyes that to Jax, seemed to see every bit of him, even the things he was so desperate to hide, and were nonetheless filled with a love so strong Jax could hardly stand it.
Jax looked away.
“You…you shouldn’t care about me...” He said weakly.
“W-what..?”
“I said.” Jax’s voice got a little stronger. “You shouldn’t care about me. No one should. I’m poison. I hurt everyone who gets close to me. I hurt my Mom, I hurt Ribbit, Kaufmo, everyone else, and I hurt you.”
“J-Jax...” Pomni’s voice wobbled.
“It’s true. Everything has been great with me gone. I watch you all, you know. From the tent. Everyone is...so much happier. There isn’t a single person who actually wants me to come back, other than you.”
“Jax...that...that can’t be what you think...”
“Please don’t lie to me, Pomni. What reason do the others have to want me back? They all hate me. I made sure of that. They don’t want me to come back. They’re all relieved that I’m gone. If I were to come back, I’d just...ruin everything, like I always do. Maybe they’re too nice to tell that to you, but I know that’s how they feel.”
“N-No, that’s not-”
“I should have abstracted the second I set foot in this goddamned place. Then Ribbit and Kaufmo would still be alive.” Tears were welling up in Jax’s eyes. “Or even better, I should have fucking killed myself the night I pushed my mom and ran away...” Jax’s voice quivered as tears threatened to fall.
Pomni was silent. Jax slowly looked back up at her, and saw the saddest and most distraught expression on Pomni that he had ever seen. It was like her heart had shattered into a million pieces.
Pomni then pulled Jax into a hug, placing his head under her chin. At that moment, Jax began to cry, his defenses having been completely decimated. Pomni held him tightly as if he’d disappear if she ever let go.
“Jax...Jax, I want you to listen to me, okay…?” Pomni said, holding back tears of her own.
“Back when you...when you abstracted, did you know what Ragatha said when we first found you?”
Jax shook his head. “No...”
“It should have been me.”
Jax’s eyes widened, and he looked up at Pomni.
“W-What?”
“She said ‘It should have been me’. Ragatha cares for you, Jax. She always has. She’s told me so much about how you and her used to be friends before...you know.”
Jax’s mind flashes to all the times Ragatha would visit him in his tent to reminisce about old times.
“I...” Jax tried to wipe away his tears, but they still kept falling. “I don’t understand. Why does she...”
“Because she’s your friend, and she doesn’t want to give up on you.”
Jax clung to Pomni as he wept. It was like a dam had burst, and all that he had been holding back was coming to the surface. Pomni held him tightly through it all.
“And you know what? Gangle…” Pomni started before Jax interrupted her.
“Wait, what?” Jax looked up at her, his eyes still glistening. “You’re not going to tell me that Gangle wants me back, right? She hates me. I made sure of that...”
“Well...it’s true, Gangle did hate you. She was also scared of you. But you know what she told me?”
“W-What…?”
“She told me that despite everything, she still considered you to be a friend. And that she regretted not being able to form a genuine connection with you.”
“I...” Jax had a look of complete shock on his face. “Gangle, said that? I...I don’t...”
“Don’t believe me, huh?” Pomni pulled something out of her pocket. “Take a look at this. Gangle finished this yesterday.”
Pomni handed Jax a piece of paper. When he looked at it, he saw that it was a drawing of...him. He was smiling, and he had long black hair. He was also wearing a striped top of some kind, and had a bow in his hair. He was deeply touched at the care Gangle clearly showed when drawing him, but something obvious was bothering him.
“Pomni, why did Gangle draw me as...as a...girl…?”
A flash of guilt crossed Pomni’s face, and she looked away.
“P-Pomni...did you…?” Jax looked up at her in panic, his heart rate skyrocketing.
Pomni turned her gaze back to him, looking incredibly guilty.
“I’m so sorry Jax! I know that something like that isn’t mine to tell, but...”
“You outed me!?”
Pomni winced.
“I...” She sighed. “About five days ago, Zooble came to talk to me. They had been suspecting something about you for a long time, and I told them, I told everyone. I’m sorry Jax, but I got so, so sick of hearing everyone talk about you as if you were a man. I know they were only accidentally misgendering you, but it still hurt. I couldn’t bear to hear them talk about you like that. Not after what I saw that day...”
Jax suddenly recalled Zooble’s mysterious visit, five days ago. So that’s what that was about…
“And they’re all just...fine with it?” Jax asked in disbelief. “That can’t be true...”
“It’s true, Jax. They all accept you, all of them. None of them think less of you. In fact, they were all delighted when I told them.”
“No. That can’t be right.” Jax said, breathing heavily, her pupils swirling. “I don’t believe you. I can’t be a girl. All I am is just a gross, disgusting man. Just some pervert who-”
“Jax, stop!” Pomni yelled with surprising force. “Don’t say that. Don’t say anything like that ever gain.”
Pomni looked angry, and tears were streaking down her face.
“I had to put up with the others thinking you were a man for months. I am not going to put up with you misgendering yourself on purpose! I don’t care what awful things other people have said to you, or whatever you tell yourself, you are a girl. I refuse to let you think otherwise, do you understand me!?”
Pomni had grabbed Jax’s shoulders and was shaking her. Her eyes were glistening as new tears threatened to fall.
“Pomni, I...” Jax sniffled, and buried her head into Pomni’s chest as she wept.
Pomni held Jax close and gently stroked her back, trying to comfort her.
“It’s okay, Jax. Everything’s going to be okay…”
Jax continued to weep. This was all too much for her to handle. She clung to Pomni, who was her only source of stability and comfort.
“Jax...will you come back? Please? Kinger and Caine have been working hard to bring you back. We all care about you. Please Jax. Despite what you think, you’re not a monster, and you don’t deserve this...”
For a moment, they held each other as they both wept openly. Then, Jax looked up at Pomni, and gave her a weak, yet genuine smile.
“You just don’t know when to give up, Pom-Pom...”
Pomni couldn’t help but laugh.
“It’s what I do.”
“I’ll...” Jax sighed. “I’ll try. I’ll try to recover and come back. I promise.”
As soon as she said that, her mindscape started to shake and rumble as if being hit by an earthquake, and Jax started to glow.
“Pomni!” Jax pushed her away. “You have to go! Now!”
Pomni nodded and gave the Zooble rope tied around her waist two hard tugs, and not a second later was suddenly pulled up and away outside.
-
Jax was blinded by a bright light, and when she came to, her vision was incredibly blurry. It stabilized enough for Jax to realize that she was staring up at the tent ceiling. She realized that her consciousness wasn’t fractured anymore, and with a jolt in her stomach worried that she had somehow wondered too close to the light and gone insane, but quickly calmed down when she realized that she was thinking clearly.
She realized was lying back on a pile of pillows, and looked down and saw her body. It wasn’t abstracted anymore. Well, kind of, there were black blotches clinging to her purple body, but she was back to being a rabbit. It then suddenly clicked for Jax that she was actually back. She felt like utter shit and was incredibly disoriented, but she was back.
“-ax! Jax!”
She then realized that someone was calling her name. She looked up and straight ahead and saw the slightly blurry sight of four of her friends. Pomni was kneeling down beside her calling her name, while Zooble, Gangle, and Ragatha were looking down at them.
She turned her head to Pomni.
“Pom-Pom…” she said weakly.
Pomni’s face lit up.
“You’re back...you’re actually back...oh my god...”
Jax heard the sound of someone crying, and looked up and saw Ragatha with her head in her hands, sobbing loudly. Gangle had her arms wrapped around Zooble was crying into them. Zooble had their arms around Gangle, but was looking down at Jax, only barely keeping it together.
“...Hey guys...long time no see...” Jax said, trying to smirk but only managing to grimace awkwardly.
“We’ve...” Zooble’s voice quivered. “We’ve missed you, you fucking bitch...” Tears were now streaming down Zooble’s face.
“R-Ragatha!” Pomni’s voice suddenly rang out. “Go get Kinger and Caine, quick!”
Ragatha hastily dried her tears, and sprinted out of the tent.
“Wha…? I’ll be fine, just give me a minute…”
Jax tried to stand up, but as soon as she did she suddenly felt dizzy and nauseous, and vomited out inky black gunk, causing Gangle to yelp in surprise.
Zooble then gently shoved Jax back down onto the pillow pile.
“Stay down, Jax.” They said firmly, but not unkindly.
“I...okay...” Jax said weakly, as Pomni took out a hankerchief out her pocket and wiped off the vomit that was still on Jax’s mouth.
“...Oh yeah…” Jax reached into her pocket and pulled out a hastily folded up piece of paper, the drawing of her from Gangle. Jax looked up at her, smiling weakly.
“That...that was a really nice drawing...I appreciate it… you...you made me look really pretty...you can have it back now...” She held up the drawing to Gangle.
Gangle smiled sweetly and shook her head.
“Thank you, Jax. You can keep it, it’s yours.”
“Oh?...Thanks...” Jax put the drawing back in her pocket.
Kinger suddenly sprinted inside the tent with Ragatha close behind him, bearing a stretcher.
“Where is she?!” He asked, wild eyed.
He looked down and saw Jax propped up on the pillow pile, and sat down the stretcher and knelt beside her his eyes wide with joy.
“Jax! It’s you! It’s really you!” He let out a joyful cheer. “First Kaufmo, now you...oh, everything’s coming together!”
Then, he suddenly got serious and started examining Jax’s body.
“Hmm, abstraction bits on the body, just like Kaufmo...” He said softly to himself.
He then looked up at Jax.
“How do you feel, my girl?”
Being openly referred to as a girl caused Jax to feel a sudden mix of emotions.
“I...I feel like total shit, Kinger...”
Kinger nodded. “Hm, Kaufmo said the same thing...”
“Don’t you worry, Jax!”
Jax would recognize that overly happy, joyful voice anywhere. She suddenly noticed Caine looking at her from behind Kinger.
“We got you a private room over at Casa de Aquarium, where you’ll be recovering! It’s got all the amenities that a lady of discerning tastes such as you needs!”
Caine then suddenly turns to Kinger.
“Speaking of which, I’m going to run ahead and make sure everything’s ready.”
Kinger nodded. “Good idea. Ragatha and I can bring her over.”
Caine then ran out of the tent.
“Ragatha, take her shoulders. I’ll get her legs...”
The others got out of the way as Kinger and Ragatha gently lifted her up onto the stretcher, and walked out bearing her on it. She grimaced as she was brought out into the light. Her nausea and disorientation felt worse, but thankfully she wasn’t vomiting.
Jax looked up as she was being taken to the aquarium, and saw Ragatha looking down at her, her eyes brimming with tears.
“Hey Rags...”
“H-Hey, Jax...” her voice wobbled.
“I’m...I’m sorry. About everything...” Jax began.
“Don’t, Jax...” Ragatha cut her off, her tears falling off her face and onto Jax.
“No, I really am, I...”
Ragatha then burst into tears, openly sobbing.
“I’m...I’m so glad you’re back. I was worried that I had lost you. I’m sorry that you didn’t feel safe enough with me to come out...”
Jax’s eyes widened.
“You don’t gotta apologize to me, Rags. It’s fine, really.”
Ragatha wiped her tears away.
“We can talk later, but for now just...just focus on getting better, okay?” said Ragatha, giving her a weak smile.
“She’s right. You need to rest and recover. You only just got back.”
Jax looked over to her right and saw Pomni walking beside her, her eyes full of concern.
“But...okay...”
Pomni reached over and held Jax’s hand, and gave her a gentle squeeze.
“I’m here for you.” Pomni said, smiling.
“We all are...” Ragatha said from above.
Jax could hear the sounds of footsteps behind them, which she now realized were Zooble and Gangle following them.
Even now, there was a part of Jax’s brain screaming at her that they all hated her. That this was all lies. But that part of her brain was a lot more quiet now. There were still probably going to be tough times ahead, but for the first time in her entire life, Jax felt like maybe everything would be okay…
Jax could feel herself dozing off. It was becoming more and more difficult to keep her eyes open.
“It’s okay Jax. Get some sleep.” Pomni said gently as she squeezed Jax’s hand.
Jax smiled at her weakly.
“I love you, Pom-Pom...” she murmured.
Maybe it was because she was on the verge of losing consciousness, or the general disorientation, but Jax didn’t realize that she had said that out loud. She didn’t even realize she said it when Pomni let out a gasp and her face went bright red. Jax just squeezed her hand and drifted off to sleep.