Lawless Byler: Horny Beyond a Reasonable Doubt

Mike and Will insist their reputation as the Party’s horniest couple is completely exaggerated.

Dustin asks for evidence.

Unfortunately, everyone has some.

Work Text:

🔥 Max: found it

🔥 Max: I fucking found it

🏀 Lucas: Please don’t.

⚔️ Mike: found what

🌼 Jane: I think you know.

⚔️ Mike: I genuinely don’t

🔥 Max: the clip

⚔️ Mike: oh my god

🎲 Dustin: SEND IT

⚔️ Mike: nobody cares anymore

🔥 Max: you have spent the last forty minutes telling me I imagined it

⚔️ Mike: because you DID

🏀 Lucas: She didn’t.

⚔️ Mike: you were dead

🏀 Lucas: I was spectating you 😭

🐰 Will: technically that means he had a better view

⚔️ Mike: whose side are you on

🐰 Will: mine ❤️

⚔️ Mike: useless

🐰 Will: love you too

🔥 Max: ANYWAY

🔥 Max sent a video.

[A fourteen-second screen recording from their game earlier that afternoon. Max is trying to retreat around a corner while Mike’s voice comes through the headset at approximately twice everyone else’s volume: “LEFT, MAX. LEFT. GO LEFT. MAX, LEFT.” Max turns right, gets immediately killed, and Mike shouts, “WHY DID YOU GO RIGHT?” over Dustin laughing.]

🔥 Max: Exhibit A

🎲 Dustin: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

⚔️ Mike: THAT PROVES MY POINT

🔥 Max: IN WHAT FUCKING WORLD

⚔️ Mike: I SAID LEFT

🔥 Max: YOU SCREAMED LEFT

⚔️ Mike: because you weren’t fucking going left!!!

🔥 Max: because I was trying not to DIE

⚔️ Mike: AND THEN YOU WENT RIGHT AND DIED

🌼 Jane: That is true.

🔥 Max: jane please

🌼 Jane: Sorry.

🌼 Jane: You did go right.

🔥 Max: I KNOW I WENT RIGHT

🏀 Lucas: Then what are we arguing about?

🔥 Max: HIS TONE

⚔️ Mike: oh my god

⚔️ Mike: my tone???

🎲 Dustin: In Max’s defence my headphones actually crackled when Mike shouted.

⚔️ Mike: your headphones are shit

🎲 Dustin: They were a birthday present from you.

⚔️ Mike: yeah four years ago

🎲 Dustin: So you’re admitting you bought me shit headphones.

⚔️ Mike: I WAS SEVENTEEN AND HAD TWENTY QUID

🐰 Will: can confirm

🐰 Will: he spent about three weeks researching those headphones

⚔️ Mike: thank you baby

🐰 Will: they are shit though

🎲 Dustin: THANK YOU

⚔️ Mike: fuck both of you

🏀 Lucas: Why are we even arguing about a game we finished hours ago?

🔥 Max: because mike said we lost because nobody listens to his callouts

⚔️ Mike: we DID

🔥 Max: we lost because you decided you were our commanding officer

⚔️ Mike: SOMEONE HAS TO MAKE CALLS

🎲 Dustin: You weren’t even team leader.

⚔️ Mike: THERE ISN’T A TEAM LEADER

🎲 Dustin: Exactly.

⚔️ Mike: that’s not the point

🌼 Jane: What is the point?

⚔️ Mike: the point is Max needs to listen

🔥 Max: 🖕

⚔️ Mike: AND control her volume because half the time when she’s shouting I can’t hear anyone else

🔥 Max: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

⚔️ Mike: what

🔥 Max: oh that is RICH coming from you

⚔️ Mike: what does that mean

🐰 Will: oh no

🔥 Max: bunny knows

🐰 Will: I do

🐰 Will: and I’m advising you to leave it alone

⚔️ Mike: absolutely not

⚔️ Mike: what does that mean

🐰 Will: Michael, you don’t want the answer.

⚔️ Mike: I VERY MUCH WANT THE ANSWER

🔥 Max: you telling anyone in that house to control their volume is fucking incredible

⚔️ Mike: we’re talking about GAMING

🔥 Max: I’m not

🎲 Dustin: Oh.

🏀 Lucas: There it is.

⚔️ Mike: fuck off

🔥 Max: I didn’t even say what you were loud doing

⚔️ Mike: I know exactly what you’re talking about

🐰 Will: which is why I told you to leave it alone

⚔️ Mike: you’re supposed to defend me

🐰 Will: from Max?

🐰 Will: I’m not suicidal

🔥 Max: ❤️

⚔️ Mike: traitors everywhere

🌼 Jane: I am staying out of this.

🎲 Dustin: Sensible.

🔥 Max: mike you and will have absolutely no grounds to complain about anybody else’s volume

⚔️ Mike: our reputation is completely fucking exaggerated

🔥 Max: HA

🐰 Will: okay

🐰 Will: in fairness

🐰 Will: it is a little exaggerated

🔥 Max: don’t you start

🐰 Will: what 😭

🏀 Lucas: You really want to put yourself on Mike’s side here?

🐰 Will: I’m not saying we’ve never been loud

🐰 Will: I’m saying everyone acts like we’re constantly terrorising the house

🔥 Max: William.

🐰 Will: we’re not!!!

⚔️ Mike: THANK YOU

⚔️ Mike: finally someone reasonable

🎲 Dustin: No, you definitely are the worst.

⚔️ Mike: name three times

🐰 Will: why would you say that

⚔️ Mike: because they can’t

🔥 Max: oh my god

🎲 Dustin: You want three examples?

⚔️ Mike: yes

🎲 Dustin: Okay.

🎲 Dustin: Everybody shut up for a minute. I’m opening Notes.

⚔️ Mike: oh my GOD

🐰 Will: 😭

🔥 Max: NO WAY

🏀 Lucas: He’s actually doing it.

🎲 Dustin: If Mike wants evidence, I’m giving him evidence.

⚔️ Mike: I asked you to name three times

🎲 Dustin: Exactly.

🎲 Dustin: You’ve challenged the allegation. The burden of proof is now on the prosecution.

🐰 Will: who’s the prosecution

🎲 Dustin: Everyone except you two.

🌼 Jane: I did not volunteer.

🎲 Dustin: Fine. Everyone except you three.

🔥 Max: I’m definitely volunteering

🏀 Lucas: Same.

⚔️ Mike: this is so fucking stupid

🐰 Will: I’m actually having quite a nice time

⚔️ Mike: of course you are

🐰 Will: sorry baby ❤️

🎲 Dustin: Right. Rules.

🔥 Max: why are there rules 😭

🎲 Dustin: Because otherwise you idiots will start throwing random stories at me and I’ll lose track.

🏀 Lucas: Fair.

🎲 Dustin: Eyewitness testimony is admissible.

🎲 Dustin: Auditory evidence is admissible.

🎲 Dustin: Screenshots and messages from this chat are admissible.

⚔️ Mike: NO

🎲 Dustin: Why wouldn’t old messages be admissible?

⚔️ Mike: because some of them are YEARS OLD

🎲 Dustin: Justice has no statute of limitations.

🐰 Will: 😭😭😭

🔥 Max: PLEASE put that at the top

🎲 Dustin: Done.

⚔️ Mike: I hate all of you

🎲 Dustin: Secondhand stories require corroboration from somebody who was actually there.

🏀 Lucas: That’s surprisingly fair.

🎲 Dustin: Thank you.

🎲 Dustin: Anything either defendant reveals while trying to defend himself is also admissible.

🐰 Will: objection

🎲 Dustin: Overruled.

🐰 Will: who made you judge

🎲 Dustin: Me.

⚔️ Mike: you’re judge AND prosecution???

🎲 Dustin: For administrative efficiency.

🔥 Max: I see no problem with this

⚔️ Mike: THAT’S NOT HOW COURTS WORK

🎲 Dustin: Neither is conducting one in a group chat. Work with me.

🏀 Lucas: He’s got you there.

🐰 Will: I want immunity

🎲 Dustin: Denied.

🐰 Will: Party Prince immunity

🎲 Dustin: The Party Prince is not above the law.

🔥 Max: 👏👏👏

🐰 Will: fucking corrupt institution

🎲 Dustin: CATEGORY ONE: TIMES SOMEBODY HAS PERSONALLY WALKED IN ON MIKE AND/OR WILL IN A SEXUAL SITUATION.

⚔️ Mike: THERE ARE CATEGORIES???

🎲 Dustin: There is currently one category.

🎲 Dustin: I’m improvising.

🔥 Max: give him time

⚔️ Mike: DON’T GIVE HIM TIME

🎲 Dustin: Max, you started this. One example.

🔥 Max: easy

🔥 Max: naked mike

🐰 Will: HAHAHAHAHA

⚔️ Mike: that doesn’t count

🎲 Dustin: Context, please.

🔥 Max: I came home early and needed my hairdryer

🔥 Max: their bedroom door was open

🔥 Max: Mike was completely fucking naked on the bed

🔥 Max: he heard me coming upstairs and apparently thought I was Will because before he even looked at me he went “hi there baby”

🐰 Will: oh my GOD 😭

🐰 Will: I’d forgotten that

⚔️ Mike: I THOUGHT SHE WAS YOU

🔥 Max: yes Mike

🔥 Max: I worked that out

⚔️ Mike: NOTHING WAS EVEN HAPPENING

🔥 Max: you were naked waiting for Will

⚔️ Mike: BEING NAKED IS NOT SEX

🎲 Dustin: Technically true.

⚔️ Mike: THANK YOU

🎲 Dustin: Why were you waiting naked for Will?

⚔️ Mike: none of your business

🐰 Will: because I’d texted him that I was nearly home

⚔️ Mike: WILL

🐰 Will: what 😭

🐰 Will: you were trying to make it sound innocent

⚔️ Mike: I WAS TRYING TO GET IT DISMISSED

🎲 Dustin: Recorded as sexual intent but no activity at time of discovery.

🔥 Max: make sure you include “hi there baby”

🎲 Dustin: I have.

⚔️ Mike: why is that evidence

🎲 Dustin: It’s funny.

🐰 Will: excellent judicial standard

🎲 Dustin: Thank you.

⚔️ Mike: stop encouraging him

🎲 Dustin: Lucas. One example.

🏀 Lucas: Kitchen.

🐰 Will: fuck

⚔️ Mike: no

🔥 Max: 👀

🏀 Lucas: Got up for water at about two in the morning.

🏀 Lucas: Walked into the kitchen.

🏀 Lucas: They were having sex against the counter.

🏀 Lucas: I saw more of both of them than I ever wanted to see.

🏀 Lucas: Turned around and went back to bed.

🔥 Max: without the water 😭

🏀 Lucas: WITHOUT THE WATER.

⚔️ Mike: it was two in the morning

🏀 Lucas: That does not close the kitchen.

🐰 Will: he’s right actually

⚔️ Mike: BABY

🐰 Will: what do you want me to say 😭

🐰 Will: it was the kitchen

⚔️ Mike: YOU WERE THERE TOO

🐰 Will: obviously

🐰 Will: I’m not denying we were having sex

🐰 Will: I’m saying the location was perhaps poorly chosen

🏀 Lucas: Perhaps.

🐰 Will: okay definitely poorly chosen

🎲 Dustin: Defendant Byers-Hopper concedes the kitchen.

🐰 Will: don’t phrase it like that

🔥 Max: please phrase everything like that

🎲 Dustin: My example is the laundry room last winter.

🐰 Will: oh fuck

🔥 Max: I don’t know this one

🎲 Dustin: I needed my jeans from the dryer. I opened the door. Mike and Will were very clearly occupied. I closed the door and did not get my jeans until the following morning.

🏀 Lucas: WAIT WHAT

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

⚔️ Mike: oh come on

🐰 Will: that was one time

🎲 Dustin: Yes, Will. That’s how examples work.

🐰 Will: fair

⚔️ Mike: why did you never say anything

🎲 Dustin: Because I didn’t particularly want to discuss why I’d just seen both my best friends’ bare arses in the laundry room.

🔥 Max: BOTH???

🎲 Dustin: I am not providing further detail.

🐰 Will: thank you

🎲 Dustin: Jane. Do you have an example?

🌼 Jane: Yes.

🐰 Will: oh no

🌼 Jane: I am not sharing it.

🐰 Will: thank you ❤️

🎲 Dustin: Witness confirms an additional incident but declines testimony.

🌼 Jane: Do not put that in the document.

🎲 Dustin: Too late.

🐰 Will: Dustin that’s my TWIN 😭

🎲 Dustin: I didn’t make her walk in on you.

🌼 Jane: That is unfortunately true.

⚔️ Mike: okay can we move on before this gets worse

🔥 Max: this is literally category one

⚔️ Mike: EXACTLY

Part 1 — Chunk 2/3

🎲 Dustin: CATEGORY TWO: TIMES SOMEBODY HAS HAD TO LISTEN TO THEM HAVING SEX.

🐰 Will: “had to” is dramatic

🔥 Max: is it

🐰 Will: nobody was holding you hostage

🏀 Lucas: I LIVE THERE

🐰 Will: headphones exist

🔥 Max: look at him getting cocky

⚔️ Mike: bunny maybe don’t

🐰 Will: why

⚔️ Mike: I have a bad feeling

🐰 Will: coward

🎲 Dustin: Max. One example.

🔥 Max: November.

⚔️ Mike: that doesn’t narrow anything down

🔥 Max: exactly

🐰 Will: rude

🔥 Max: Lucas and I were watching a film

🔥 Max: could hear them upstairs

🔥 Max: I turned the TV up

🔥 Max: could still hear them

🔥 Max: Lucas turned it up AGAIN

🔥 Max: could still hear Will

🐰 Will: okay

🐰 Will: that last part feels unnecessarily specific

🔥 Max: I’m giving evidence

🎲 Dustin: Lucas, corroboration?

🏀 Lucas: Completely accurate.

🏀 Lucas: I was trying to hear the fucking film.

⚔️ Mike: what film

🔥 Max: why does that matter

⚔️ Mike: I’m establishing whether it was worth hearing

🔥 Max: YOU WERE THE REASON WE COULDN’T HEAR IT

🎲 Dustin: Mike is attempting to impeach the movie.

🐰 Will: valid strategy tbh

🔥 Max: I hate both of you

🎲 Dustin: My example is the shower.

🐰 Will: oh for god’s sake

🎲 Dustin: The bathroom shares a wall with our bedroom. Mike and Will were clearly having sex in the shower and clearly not attempting to be quiet. Then there was an enormous crash, Will shouted “OW, FUCK,” Mike started laughing, and approximately six shampoo bottles hit the floor.

🌼 Jane: Four bottles.

🎲 Dustin: Thank you for corroborating.

🌼 Jane: I am only correcting the number.

🎲 Dustin: Still counts.

🐰 Will: I slipped 😭

⚔️ Mike: it was really funny

🐰 Will: I had a bruise on my hip

⚔️ Mike: I asked if you were okay first!!!

🐰 Will: you did ❤️

⚔️ Mike: THEN I laughed

🐰 Will: for ages

⚔️ Mike: because you were okay

🐰 Will: I know baby ❤️

🔥 Max: can we sue them for this

🏀 Lucas: I’d contribute to legal fees.

🎲 Dustin: Potential future action.

⚔️ Mike: THERE SHOULD NOT BE FUTURE ACTION

🎲 Dustin: Jane, separate example?

🌼 Jane: I am in the library trying to finish an essay.

🎲 Dustin: I’ll take that as a refusal.

🌼 Jane: Please do.

🐰 Will: favourite twin ❤️

🌼 Jane: I am your only twin.

🐰 Will: undefeated

🎲 Dustin: Category Two established.

⚔️ Mike: Max and Lucas gave the SAME incident

🎲 Dustin: One incident with two witnesses.

⚔️ Mike: so that’s ONE

🎲 Dustin: Plus mine and Jane’s corroboration.

⚔️ Mike: Jane corroborated shampoo bottles

🎲 Dustin: Evidence is evidence.

🐰 Will: also

🐰 Will: is it my fault Mike’s really fucking good in bed

⚔️ Mike: 😳

🔥 Max: WILL

🏀 Lucas: Jesus Christ.

🎲 Dustin: Oh my god.

🌼 Jane: William.

🐰 Will: WHAT

🐰 Will: everyone keeps blaming me for being loud

🐰 Will: I’m providing context

⚔️ Mike: baby 🥹❤️

🐰 Will: ❤️

🔥 Max: NOBODY ASKED FOR CONTEXT

🎲 Dustin: Adding self-incrimination.

🐰 Will: how is enjoying sex with my boyfriend incriminating 😭

🎲 Dustin: Because we’re currently discussing the volume at which you enjoy it.

🐰 Will: agree to disagree

⚔️ Mike: I think he makes an excellent point

🔥 Max: of course you do

⚔️ Mike: he said I’m good in bed

🏀 Lucas: We can read, Mike.

⚔️ Mike: just making sure everyone caught it

🐰 Will: idiot ❤️

⚔️ Mike: your idiot ❤️

🔥 Max: I am renewing my request to sue

🎲 Dustin: Noted.

🎲 Dustin: CATEGORY THREE: HEADBOARD AND OTHER STRUCTURAL NOISE.

⚔️ Mike: cheap furniture

🐰 Will: THANK YOU

🐰 Will: the bed frame is shit

⚔️ Mike: I’ve been saying this for months

🐰 Will: one of the slats comes loose if you sit down too hard

🎲 Dustin: I’ve sat on your bed.

🎲 Dustin: It has never repeatedly hit the wall for twenty minutes.

🐰 Will: skill issue

🔥 Max: WILL 😭

⚔️ Mike: HAHAHAHAHA

🎲 Dustin: Defendant Byers-Hopper is becoming increasingly uncooperative.

🐰 Will: I’m stuck at the studio waiting for paint to dry

🐰 Will: this is entertainment now

🔥 Max: we’ll see how entertained you are in a minute

🐰 Will: threatening

🎲 Dustin: Max. One example.

🔥 Max: after Will’s exhibition opening

🐰 Will: no

⚔️ Mike: which headboard one was that

🔥 Max: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

🏀 Lucas: Mike.

🌼 Jane: Poor choice of words.

⚔️ Mike: I REALISED AS SOON AS I SENT IT

🐰 Will: too late now

🎲 Dustin: Recording “which headboard one.”

⚔️ Mike: DON’T

🎲 Dustin: Already done.

🔥 Max: anyway

🔥 Max: I was trying to sleep and their headboard was banging against the wall

🐰 Will: shitty bed

🔥 Max: and I could hear Will begging Mike to go harder

🐰 Will: MAX

⚔️ Mike: oh my fucking god 😭

🏀 Lucas: Jesus.

🌼 Jane: I am going back to my essay.

🐰 Will: YOU DID NOT NEED TO SHARE THAT

🔥 Max: YOU DID NOT NEED TO BE THAT LOUD

🐰 Will: I WASN’T TALKING TO YOU

🔥 Max: WALLS EXIST

🐰 Will: I AM AWARE OF THAT NOW

🎲 Dustin: Give me a minute.

🐰 Will: why

🎲 Dustin: I’m restructuring the case.

⚔️ Mike: what case???

🎲 Dustin: This one.

🐰 Will: what does restructuring mean

🎲 Dustin: I had Mike listed as the primary offender and Will as an associated party.

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

🎲 Dustin: I can no longer justify that classification.

🐰 Will: fuck off

⚔️ Mike: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

⚔️ Mike: WELCOME TO THE TRIAL BABY

🐰 Will: whose side are you on???

⚔️ Mike: mine ❤️

🐰 Will: unbelievable

🎲 Dustin: Both defendants now have equal standing.

🔥 Max: JUSTICE

🐰 Will: I’ve said like three things

🔥 Max: one of those things was “is it my fault Mike’s really fucking good in bed”

🐰 Will: and I stand by it

⚔️ Mike: ❤️❤️❤️

🔥 Max: OH MY GOD

🎲 Dustin: Contempt of court for flirting during proceedings.

🐰 Will: you can’t punish us for loving each other

⚔️ Mike: apparently we’re criminals for appreciating the loves of our lives

🐰 Will: babe 🥺

🐰 Will: you’re the love of my life too

⚔️ Mike: ❤️

🔥 Max: BOOOOOO

🏀 Lucas: Get a room.

🔥 Max: DO NOT TELL THEM THAT

🎲 Dustin: Lucas, please don’t encourage further offences.

⚔️ Mike: mixed messages from the court

🐰 Will: deeply confusing legal system

🔥 Max: I have another furniture one

🎲 Dustin: Hold it for now. I’m making proper categories because this is getting disorganised.

🏀 Lucas: You’ve been doing this for half an hour.

🎲 Dustin: And people keep remembering evidence that belongs somewhere else.

⚔️ Mike: THERE’S SOMEWHERE ELSE???

🐰 Will: how many categories are you planning

🎲 Dustin: I don’t know yet.

🔥 Max: he’s actually planning 😭

🏀 Lucas: Are you making a table?

🎲 Dustin: Yes.

🐰 Will: no fucking way

🎲 Dustin: Category, incident, approximate date, witness, corroboration, evidence type, defendant response, verdict, notes.

⚔️ Mike: VERDICT???

🌼 Jane: That is excessive.

🎲 Dustin: Thank you.

🌼 Jane: It was not praise.

🎲 Dustin: Still taking it.

🔥 Max: how many pages

🎲 Dustin: Three.

⚔️ Mike: THREE PAGES???

🐰 Will: we’ve done three categories 😭

🎲 Dustin: There’s a title page.

🏀 Lucas: THERE’S A TITLE PAGE?

🔥 Max: what’s it called

🎲 Dustin: THE PARTY v. WHEELER & BYERS-HOPPER

🐰 Will: oh fuck OFF 😭

⚔️ Mike: YOU GAVE US A CASE NAME

🎲 Dustin: I’m considering a subtitle.

🔥 Max: Sexual Crimes Against Shared Accommodation

🏀 Lucas: 😭

🎲 Dustin: That’s quite good.

⚔️ Mike: DO NOT

🐰 Will: I’d like separate counsel

⚔️ Mike: excuse me???

🐰 Will: you’re the idiot who said name three times

⚔️ Mike: wow

🐰 Will: love you ❤️

⚔️ Mike: love you too but wow

🎲 Dustin: Okay.

🎲 Dustin: I’ve got twenty categories.

🔥 Max: TWENTY???

⚔️ Mike: FUCK OFF

🐰 Will: DUSTIN

🏀 Lucas: How did you get twenty?

🌼 Jane: I am also curious.

🎲 Dustin: There were twenty-three. I consolidated overlapping offences.

🔥 Max: damn

🏀 Lucas: I’m actually impressed.

🎲 Dustin: Thank you.

⚔️ Mike: STOP ENCOURAGING HIM

🐰 Will: what the fuck could possibly require twenty categories

🎲 Dustin: You’ll find out.

🐰 Will: ominous

Part 1 — Chunk 3/3

🎲 Dustin: CATEGORY FOUR: “WE THOUGHT NOBODY WAS HOME.”

🐰 Will: okay that’s bullshit

⚔️ Mike: THANK YOU

🐰 Will: everyone in this chat has done that

🏀 Lucas: True.

🔥 Max: absolutely

🎲 Dustin: Agreed.

⚔️ Mike: CASE DISMISSED

🎲 Dustin: No.

⚔️ Mike: WHY

🎲 Dustin: Because I’m establishing frequency, not whether anybody else has ever made the same mistake.

🐰 Will: oh fuck you

🔥 Max: he’s thought of everything 😭

🎲 Dustin: Max. One example.

🔥 Max: Valentine’s Day last year.

⚔️ Mike: we DID think nobody was home

🔥 Max: I KNOW

🐰 Will: then why does it count 😭

🔥 Max: because I was home

🐰 Will: yes but we didn’t know that

🔥 Max: that doesn’t make me less home

⚔️ Mike: your lecture was cancelled!!!

🔥 Max: still home

🐰 Will: genuine mistake

🎲 Dustin: Recorded as genuine mistake.

🐰 Will: THANK YOU

🎲 Dustin: Still counts.

🐰 Will: corrupt again

🎲 Dustin: Lucas.

🏀 Lucas: Basketball training finished early once.

⚔️ Mike: SEE

⚔️ Mike: EARLY

🏀 Lucas: I came home and heard you two upstairs before I’d even taken my shoes off.

🏀 Lucas: I put my shoes back on and went to Max’s.

🔥 Max: you brought pizza ❤️

🏀 Lucas: I was hungry ❤️

🔥 Max: still romantic

🏀 Lucas: love you

🐰 Will: CAN WE SUE THEM FOR THIS

⚔️ Mike: selective enforcement!!!

🎲 Dustin: Objection sustained. Prosecution-side flirting is also annoying.

🔥 Max: rude

🏀 Lucas: fair

🐰 Will: finally an honest judge

🎲 Dustin: Jane?

🌼 Jane: Mum and Dad’s anniversary dinner.

🐰 Will: JANE

⚔️ Mike: oh god

🔥 Max: WHAT HAPPENED

🌼 Jane: Nothing at the dinner.

🌼 Jane: Mike and Will left first. They believed the rest of us were staying longer.

🐰 Will: because you said you were

🌼 Jane: I changed my mind and came home twenty minutes later.

🌼 Jane: I heard enough from upstairs to decide I wanted tea at the café.

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

🎲 Dustin: How long were you at the café?

🌼 Jane: Forty-five minutes.

🎲 Dustin: And when you came back?

🌼 Jane: Quiet.

🐰 Will: please don’t say excellent

🎲 Dustin: I wasn’t going to.

🐰 Will: you’re learning

⚔️ Mike: all of these involve people coming home earlier than expected

🐰 Will: EXACTLY

🐰 Will: we’re actually winning this category

🔥 Max: “winning”

🎲 Dustin: My example is Sunday morning when Jane and I went for breakfast.

🐰 Will: you literally went out

🎲 Dustin: We came back because Jane forgot her purse.

🌼 Jane: Correct.

🐰 Will: ANOTHER EARLY RETURN

🎲 Dustin: We found both of you mostly naked on the communal sofa.

⚔️ Mike: WE WEREN’T HAVING SEX

🎲 Dustin: Correct.

🐰 Will: HA

🎲 Dustin: I said mostly naked.

🐰 Will: mostly is important

🌼 Jane: Not as important as he thinks.

🐰 Will: Jane 😭

🎲 Dustin: Verdict: four genuine mistaken assumptions that the house was empty.

🐰 Will: YES

🎲 Dustin: Frequency remains concerning.

🐰 Will: NO

⚔️ Mike: HOW

🎲 Dustin: Four witnesses immediately produced four separate incidents.

⚔️ Mike: OVER YEARS

🎲 Dustin: That’s going in mitigating circumstances.

🐰 Will: see

🐰 Will: justice

🎲 Dustin: CATEGORY FIVE: SEXUAL MESSAGES INTENDED FOR EACH OTHER AND ACCIDENTALLY SENT TO THIS CHAT.

🐰 Will: YES

⚔️ Mike: oh fuck off

🐰 Will: finally a Mike category

🔥 Max: look how happy he is 😭

🐰 Will: because I check where I’m sending things

⚔️ Mike: I’ve done it like twice

🔥 Max: liar

🏀 Lucas: Search “wrong chat.”

🎲 Dustin: Good idea.

⚔️ Mike: I hate this new evidentiary procedure

🔥 Max: 17 results 😭

🐰 Will: SEVENTEEN???

🎲 Dustin: Most aren’t relevant.

⚔️ Mike: THANK YOU

🎲 Dustin: Four are Mike sending sexual messages intended for Will.

⚔️ Mike: fuck

🐰 Will: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

🎲 Dustin: Exhibit Five-A. March last year. Mike: “baby if you send me another picture like that while I’m sitting next to my MOTHER I’m going to lose my fucking mind” followed eleven seconds later by “FUCK WRONG CHAT.”

🔥 Max: CLASSIC

🏀 Lucas: I’d forgotten Karen was actually beside him 😭

🐰 Will: she was

⚔️ Mike: I KNOW SHE WAS THERE

🌼 Jane: Why did Will send you a picture while you were with your mother?

🐰 Will: I didn’t know he’d arrived yet

⚔️ Mike: I told you I was going to my parents’

🐰 Will: going to

🐰 Will: not sitting beside Karen

🔥 Max: what was the picture

🐰 Will: irrelevant

⚔️ Mike: very relevant to me

🐰 Will: ❤️

🔥 Max: disgusting

🎲 Dustin: Exhibit Five-B. July. Mike: “I’m trying to be normal at work and you’re making it really fucking difficult” followed by “wear those tonight” followed by “wrong chat ignore me.”

🐰 Will: 😭😭😭

⚔️ Mike: that one isn’t even that bad

🔥 Max: what was he supposed to wear

🐰 Will: none of your business

⚔️ Mike: correct

🔥 Max: panties

🐰 Will: I said none of your business

🔥 Max: I didn’t say I was wrong

🐰 Will: 🖕

🎲 Dustin: Exhibit Five-C. December. Mike: “I miss you and I need you in my bed immediately” followed by “shit sorry everyone.”

🐰 Will: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

⚔️ Mike: I was lonely

🐰 Will: you’d seen me that morning

⚔️ Mike: IT WAS NIGHT

🏀 Lucas: A terrible separation.

🔥 Max: brave of you both

⚔️ Mike: fuck all of you

🐰 Will: I’m having such a good time

🎲 Dustin: Exhibit Five-D. April. Mike: “please tell me you’re still wearing that because I’m nearly home and I have plans for you” followed by “OH FUCK ME.”

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭😭

🏀 Lucas: I remember that one.

🐰 Will: oh my god 😭

⚔️ Mike: DONE

⚔️ Mike: FOUR

⚔️ Mike: YOU’VE HAD YOUR FUN

🐰 Will: I really have ❤️

🔥 Max: hang on

🔥 Max: bunny is getting way too comfortable

🐰 Will: because I’m innocent

🔥 Max: in general?

🐰 Will: fuck off

🐰 Will: in THIS category

🔥 Max: are you sure

🐰 Will: yes?

🔥 Max: I remember something

🐰 Will: no you don’t

🔥 Max: oh I absolutely do

🔥 Max: search “pin me down”

🐰 Will: oh fuck

⚔️ Mike: WAIT

⚔️ Mike: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

🐰 Will: don’t you fucking dare

⚔️ Mike: I REMEMBER THIS

🎲 Dustin: Found it.

🐰 Will: I hate this court

🔥 Max: I LOVE this court

🔥 Max sent a screenshot.

[An old section of the Party chat from two years earlier.]

🐰 Will: when you get back here I want you to pin me down again

🐰 Will: I’ve been thinking about your hands on me all day and if you make me wait when you get home I’m going to lose my fucking mind

🐰 Will: I want you on top of me the second you get through the door

🐰 Will: oh my fucking god wrong chat

⚔️ Mike: WILL????

[End screenshot.]

🎲 Dustin: JESUS CHRIST

🏀 Lucas: THERE IT IS 😭

🌼 Jane: I had forgotten that.

🐰 Will: I hadn’t

🔥 Max: “I’M INNOCENT”

⚔️ Mike: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

🐰 Will: shut up

⚔️ Mike: NO

⚔️ Mike: YOU’VE BEEN LAUGHING AT ME FOR THE LAST TEN MINUTES

🐰 Will: because yours are funny

⚔️ Mike: YOURS IS SO MUCH WORSE

🐰 Will: I made ONE mistake

🎲 Dustin: One extremely specific mistake.

🐰 Will: don’t start grading them

🎲 Dustin: Too late.

🔥 Max: Mike has quantity

🏀 Lucas: Will has quality

🐰 Will: Lucas I will kill you

⚔️ Mike: I finally won something

🐰 Will: fine

🐰 Will: I’ll just never have sex with you again

⚔️ Mike: WAIT NO

⚔️ Mike: baby please don’t do that

🐰 Will: 🤷‍♂️

⚔️ Mike: I withdraw my celebration

⚔️ Mike: your sext was completely normal and tasteful

🐰 Will: bit late now

⚔️ Mike: bunny 🥺

🐰 Will: suffer

🔥 Max: he lasted about six seconds 😭

🏀 Lucas: Generous.

🎲 Dustin: Recording Wheeler’s immediate collapse under pressure.

⚔️ Mike: I KNOW HE’S JOKING

⚔️ Mike: I just don’t like it

🐰 Will: 😂❤️

⚔️ Mike: fuck you

🐰 Will: please do

⚔️ Mike: oh

🐰 Will: 🖕

🔥 Max: CAN WE SUE THEM FOR THIS

🌼 Jane: I am beginning to support the lawsuit.

🎲 Dustin: Additional charges pending.

🐰 Will: anyway

🐰 Will: one offence versus Mike’s four

🐰 Will: I still win

🔥 Max: actually

🐰 Will: why did you say actually

🔥 Max: because I remember another one

🐰 Will: no you don’t

🌼 Jane: I do.

🐰 Will: JANE

🌼 Jane: Mike was away visiting Nancy and Jonathan.

⚔️ Mike: OH MY GOD

🐰 Will: please stop

🌼 Jane: Will sent a message saying he missed Mike and wanted him home.

🐰 Will: see

🐰 Will: sweet

🌼 Jane: Then he described what he wanted Mike to do when he got home.

🔥 Max: THERE IT IS

🐰 Will: Jane I love you

🌼 Jane: I love you too.

🐰 Will: please don’t quote it

🌼 Jane: I don’t need to.

🌼 Jane: Search “kitchen table.”

🐰 Will: FUCK

⚔️ Mike: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

🔥 Max: OH MY GOD

🎲 Dustin: Found it.

🐰 Will: I am leaving this group

🌼 Jane: You say that every time.

🔥 Max sent a screenshot.

[Another old section of the Party chat.]

🐰 Will: I miss you

🐰 Will: come home tomorrow and kiss me until I forget you’ve been gone for three days

🐰 Will: and if everyone’s out I want you to put me on the kitchen table and make me forget why I ever complained about you going away

🐰 Will: FUCK

🐰 Will: WRONG CHAT

🐰 Will: nobody fucking speak to me

[End screenshot.]

🏀 Lucas: THE KITCHEN TABLE AGAIN???

🎲 Dustin: Recurring location.

🐰 Will: I was twenty and horny and I missed my boyfriend

⚔️ Mike: 🥹

🐰 Will: don’t

⚔️ Mike: you missed me

🐰 Will: obviously I missed you

⚔️ Mike: baby ❤️

🐰 Will: ❤️

🔥 Max: HE IS CURRENTLY ON TRIAL

🏀 Lucas: And Mike is reacting like he’s just received a love letter.

⚔️ Mike: HE MISSED ME

🌼 Jane: You had been gone three days.

⚔️ Mike: exactly

🐰 Will: longest three days of my life

⚔️ Mike: BABY

🔥 Max: CAN WE PLEASE SUE THEM

🎲 Dustin: I’m adding “flirting with co-defendant during presentation of incriminating evidence.”

🐰 Will: worth it

⚔️ Mike: absolutely

🎲 Dustin: Category Five verdict.

🎲 Dustin: Mike has four confirmed offences.

⚔️ Mike: terrible day for me

🎲 Dustin: Will has two confirmed offences.

🐰 Will: HALF

🎲 Dustin: Will’s are substantially more detailed.

🔥 Max: QUALITY OVER QUANTITY

🐰 Will: stop calling it quality 😭

🎲 Dustin: Both guilty.

⚔️ Mike: I’ll take it

🐰 Will: this court is a joke

🎲 Dustin: CATEGORY SIX: SEXUAL PHOTOGRAPHS ACCIDENTALLY SENT TO THE MAIN CHAT.

🐰 Will: oh thank god

⚔️ Mike: fuck

🔥 Max: that reaction tells us everything

🐰 Will: this one genuinely IS all Mike

⚔️ Mike: I know

🐰 Will: because unlike SOME people I check the recipient before sending pictures

⚔️ Mike: we know

⚔️ Mike: some of us apparently lose basic literacy when the picture is for you

🐰 Will: babe ❤️

🔥 Max: I swear to god

🎲 Dustin: Category Six begins with an uncontested plea from Wheeler.

⚔️ Mike: I hate this fucking court

🏀 Lucas: How many photo incidents are there?

⚔️ Mike: one

🐰 Will: liar

⚔️ Mike: wow

🐰 Will: sorry baby but that was an outrageous lie

🔥 Max: THREE

🎲 Dustin: I remember three.

🐰 Will: four

⚔️ Mike: WILL

🔥 Max: FOUR???

🐰 Will: unfortunately

⚔️ Mike: why are you helping them

🐰 Will: because I can make fun of you for this with a completely clean conscience

⚔️ Mike: you enjoyed every single one

🐰 Will: immensely

🐰 Will: that’s not the issue

⚔️ Mike: feels relevant

🐰 Will: your inability to locate my name before sending me your dick is the issue

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

🎲 Dustin: Four, then.

🐰 Will: and zero from me 😇

🔥 Max: don’t get smug yet

🐰 Will: I have literally never sent a sexy picture to the wrong person

🎲 Dustin: This appears to be true.

🐰 Will: THANK YOU

⚔️ Mike: congratulations on basic literacy

🐰 Will: thank you ❤️

🎲 Dustin: Exhibit Six-A. Hotel bathroom.

⚔️ Mike: that one is barely sexual

🔥 Max: thirst trap

⚔️ Mike: shirtless isn’t automatically sexual

🏀 Lucas: You were wearing a towel very low on your hips and posing in a mirror.

⚔️ Mike: I had just showered

🐰 Will: you were absolutely trying to turn me on

⚔️ Mike: okay YOU don’t get to testify

🐰 Will: why 😭

⚔️ Mike: because you know what I was trying to do

🎲 Dustin: That’s generally useful in a witness.

🔥 Max: what was the caption

🐰 Will: “wish you were here”

⚔️ Mike: see

⚔️ Mike: romantic

🐰 Will: horny

⚔️ Mike: both can be true

🐰 Will: they were ❤️

🔥 Max: defendant bunny is enjoying the evidence again

🐰 Will: have you seen Mike

🏀 Lucas: Yes. For most of my life.

🐰 Will: then you understand

🏀 Lucas: I really don’t.

⚔️ Mike: fuck you Sinclair

🎲 Dustin: Six-A classified as mild thirst trap.

⚔️ Mike: MILD

🔥 Max: don’t sound offended

⚔️ Mike: I’m not

🐰 Will: you are a little bit

⚔️ Mike: maybe

🐰 Will: it was very effective baby

⚔️ Mike: thank you ❤️

🔥 Max: moving ON

🎲 Dustin: Exhibit Six-B.

🏀 Lucas: Bed one.

⚔️ Mike: fuck

🐰 Will: that was a good one

🔥 Max: WILL 😭

🐰 Will: what

🐰 Will: it was

🎲 Dustin: Mike was lying on his and Will’s bed and had taken the photo from above himself. No shirt. Jeans unbuttoned. One hand resting low over the front of his boxers.

🔥 Max: WAY less mild

🏀 Lucas: Considerable escalation.

⚔️ Mike: this rating system is humiliating

🐰 Will: I can rate it if you want

⚔️ Mike: privately please

🐰 Will: coward

🔥 Max: what did it say

🎲 Dustin: “thinking about you”

🐰 Will: 🥰

⚔️ Mike: SEE

⚔️ Mike: sweet

🔥 Max: YOUR JEANS WERE OPEN

⚔️ Mike: people contain multitudes

🐰 Will: he can be sweet with his jeans open

🎲 Dustin: I don’t think I need that entered into evidence.

🐰 Will: then don’t ask me

🔥 Max: nobody did

🐰 Will: even better

🎲 Dustin: Where was Will?

🐰 Will: library

🔥 Max: were you two living together by then

🐰 Will: yes

🔥 Max: so he’d been away from you for what

🐰 Will: four hours maybe

🏀 Lucas: 😭

⚔️ Mike: it was a long four hours

🔥 Max: you saw him at breakfast

⚔️ Mike: AND THEN HE LEFT

🐰 Will: I came back

⚔️ Mike: eventually

🐰 Will: and I was very appreciative of the picture

⚔️ Mike: exactly

🔥 Max: I cannot believe Mike Wheeler has separation anxiety from a man who lives in his bedroom

⚔️ Mike: boyfriend

🔥 Max: what

⚔️ Mike: he’s not “a man who lives in my bedroom”

⚔️ Mike: he’s my boyfriend

🐰 Will: 🥺

🔥 Max: THAT IS WHAT YOU TOOK FROM THAT???

⚔️ Mike: wording matters

🐰 Will: I love you

⚔️ Mike: love you too

🎲 Dustin: Contempt.

⚔️ Mike: worth it

🎲 Dustin: Exhibit Six-C.

⚔️ Mike: can we stop at B

🔥 Max: NUDE

⚔️ Mike: apparently not

🐰 Will: 😭

🎲 Dustin: Full nude?

⚔️ Mike: yes

🔥 Max: WE HAVE GONE FROM TOWEL TO THIRST TRAP TO FULL NUDITY

🏀 Lucas: Strong upward trend.

⚔️ Mike: I understand the trajectory thank you

🎲 Dustin: Context?

⚔️ Mike: I was at home

🐰 Will: his parents’ home

⚔️ Mike: yeah

🐰 Will: Karen had finally guilted him into visiting because he hadn’t been back in ages

⚔️ Mike: I went willingly

🐰 Will: after three weeks of complaining

⚔️ Mike: still went

🎲 Dustin: Will stayed here?

🐰 Will: yes

⚔️ Mike: unfortunately

🐰 Will: 😭

🔥 Max: how long were you apart

⚔️ Mike: three days

🔥 Max: THREE DAYS

⚔️ Mike: everyone keeps saying it like that’s nothing

🐰 Will: it felt longer

⚔️ Mike: THANK YOU

🏀 Lucas: You’re both ridiculous.

🐰 Will: we know

🎲 Dustin: So on approximately day—

⚔️ Mike: two

🔥 Max: HE DIDN’T EVEN MAKE IT TO DAY THREE

⚔️ Mike: shut up

🎲 Dustin: On day two, Mike took a full nude photograph and intended to send it to Will.

⚔️ Mike: correct

🎲 Dustin: Instead he sent it here.

⚔️ Mike: painfully correct

🐰 Will: the worst part is he was actually shy about taking that one

⚔️ Mike: Will

🔥 Max: MIKE???

⚔️ Mike: can we not

🐰 Will: sorry 😭

⚔️ Mike: no you’re not

🐰 Will: I’m a little sorry

🎲 Dustin: Why were you nervous?

⚔️ Mike: because I’d never sent him a full nude before

🔥 Max: and instead you sent your first one to FIVE PEOPLE

⚔️ Mike: YES MAX I KNOW

🏀 Lucas: Historic achievement.

⚔️ Mike: I also look like a fucking beanpole in photos

🐰 Will: a hot beanpole

⚔️ Mike: baby

🐰 Will: what

🐰 Will: you’re tall and skinny

🐰 Will: this is not new information

⚔️ Mike: I know

🐰 Will: and I like literally all of it

⚔️ Mike: 🥺

🔥 Max: aw

🔥 Max: still saw his dick against my will though

⚔️ Mike: AND THERE IT IS

🐰 Will: 😭😭😭

🏀 Lucas: She has a point.

🎲 Dustin: Six-C: full nude, accidental distribution to entire Party, significant escalation.

⚔️ Mike: can we PLEASE finish this category now

🐰 Will: there’s still four

⚔️ Mike: why do I date you

🐰 Will: lots of reasons

⚔️ Mike: name three

🐰 Will: absolutely not falling for that again

🔥 Max: character development

🎲 Dustin: Exhibit Six-D.

🐰 Will: this one is technically not my fault

🔥 Max: interesting opening defence

🏀 Lucas: Isn’t this the one where Mike didn’t realise?

⚔️ Mike: yeah

🎲 Dustin: Explain.

⚔️ Mike: I sent the picture and put my phone down

🐰 Will: he thought he’d sent it to me

⚔️ Mike: obviously

🐰 Will: and then disappeared for like twenty minutes

⚔️ Mike: I went downstairs to help my mum with something

🔥 Max: meanwhile his dick is just sitting in the Party chat

⚔️ Mike: please never phrase it like that again

🎲 Dustin: And Will?

🐰 Will: I was at home

🐰 Will: OUR home

🐰 Will: opened my phone

🐰 Will: saw the picture

🐰 Will: did not look at the top of the screen

🔥 Max: because?

🐰 Will: because my naked boyfriend was occupying most of the screen

⚔️ Mike: fair

🔥 Max: rabid rabbit

🐰 Will: shut up

🎲 Dustin: According to the history, Will then responded several times before noticing the mistake.

🐰 Will: you can just write “responded enthusiastically”

🔥 Max: NO

🔥 Max: no no no no no

🔥 Max: absolutely fucking not

🐰 Will: Max

🔥 Max: we’ve had descriptions of Mike’s actual PHOTOS

🔥 Max: tell us what bunny said

🐰 Will: nobody needs that

⚔️ Mike: I do

🐰 Will: YOU ALREADY KNOW

⚔️ Mike: still enjoy hearing it

🐰 Will: pervert

⚔️ Mike: ❤️

🎲 Dustin: Reading directly from the chat history.

🐰 Will: traitor

🎲 Dustin: First response: “Jesus fucking Christ.”

⚔️ Mike: 😊

🎲 Dustin: Then: “you are so fucking hot.”

⚔️ Mike: 😊😊

🐰 Will: stop

🔥 Max: KEEP GOING

🎲 Dustin: “I miss you so fucking much.”

🏀 Lucas: How long had he been gone?

🐰 Will: three days

🔥 Max: OF COURSE

⚔️ Mike: long time

🎲 Dustin: Then: “I need you back here because looking at this when I can’t touch you is actually cruel.”

⚔️ Mike: aw

🐰 Will: that is NOT an aw message

⚔️ Mike: you missed me

🐰 Will: obviously I missed you

🎲 Dustin: Then: “you better come straight to bed when you get home because I’ve been thinking about you like this for three fucking days.”

🔥 Max: JESUS

🐰 Will: DUSTIN

🎲 Dustin: Max specifically requested the evidence.

🔥 Max: I stand by that decision

🎲 Dustin: Then Will described, at considerable length, exactly how much he wanted Mike, how little patience he intended to have once Mike got home, and several plans that I am recording collectively as “extremely enthusiastic reunion.”

🔥 Max: OH COME ON

🐰 Will: THANK YOU

🔥 Max: judicial cowardice

🎲 Dustin: I’m trying to preserve my own sanity.

⚔️ Mike: I liked those messages

🐰 Will: THEY WERE FOR YOU

⚔️ Mike: I know ❤️

🎲 Dustin: There are six more messages in the same general vein.

🔥 Max: SIX

🏀 Lucas: He really committed.

🐰 Will: I THOUGHT I WAS TALKING TO MY BOYFRIEND

🎲 Dustin: Then there is a gap of one minute and forty-three seconds.

🐰 Will: I know what’s coming

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

🎲 Dustin: Will: “wait why can I see Max typing”

🔥 Max: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

🎲 Dustin: Will: “shit”

🎲 Dustin: Will: “NONE OF YOU SAW ANY OF THAT”

🎲 Dustin: Will: “MIKE YOU SENT THE FUCKING PHOTO IN THE WRONG PLACE”

⚔️ Mike: which is how I found out

🐰 Will: I nearly threw my phone across the room

🔥 Max: I remember trying to type as FAST AS I COULD because I knew you’d realise 😭

🐰 Will: I saw the typing bubble and my soul left my body

🏀 Lucas: I opened the chat to Mike naked and Will having a breakdown.

🎲 Dustin: Same.

🐰 Will: worst day of my life

⚔️ Mike: mine too

🐰 Will: YOU WEREN’T THERE

⚔️ Mike: I WAS NAKED IN FIVE PEOPLE’S PHONES

🐰 Will: BY YOUR OWN HAND

⚔️ Mike: ACCIDENTALLY

🐰 Will: CHECK THE FUCKING RECIPIENT

⚔️ Mike: YOU DIDN’T CHECK IT EITHER

🐰 Will: I DIDN’T SEND THE PHOTO

⚔️ Mike: you sent a fucking ESSAY in response

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

🐰 Will: because you looked hot!!!

⚔️ Mike: thank you

🐰 Will: THAT WASN’T A COMPLIMENT

⚔️ Mike: sounded like one

🐰 Will: 🖕

🎲 Dustin: Important ruling.

🐰 Will: here we go

🎲 Dustin: Will maintains a flawless record of never sending a sexual photograph to the wrong chat.

🐰 Will: YES

🎲 Dustin: He does not maintain a flawless record of checking which chat contains the sexual photograph before thirsting over it at extraordinary length.

🔥 Max: GUILTY

🐰 Will: different charge

🎲 Dustin: Correct.

🐰 Will: HA

🎲 Dustin: Still guilty.

🐰 Will: fuck this court

⚔️ Mike: please do

🐰 Will: 🖕

🔥 Max: every fucking time

🎲 Dustin: Category Six verdict: Mike, four photographic offences escalating from mild thirst trap to full nudity.

⚔️ Mike: awful

🎲 Dustin: Will, zero photographic offences.

🐰 Will: 😌

🎲 Dustin: One spectacular accessory offence.

🐰 Will: 😔

🏀 Lucas: Perfect summary.

🔥 Max: I still can’t get over the progression

🔥 Max: towel

🔥 Max: hand down open jeans

🔥 Max: FULL NUDE

🔥 Max: FULL NUDE PLUS WILL WRITING A NOVEL ABOUT IT

🐰 Will: I was horny and missed my boyfriend

⚔️ Mike: 🥰

🐰 Will: don’t look so pleased

⚔️ Mike: impossible

🐰 Will: idiot ❤️

🎲 Dustin: CATEGORY SEVEN: EVIDENCE ABANDONED IN COMMUNAL SPACES.

⚔️ Mike: what does that even mean

🔥 Max: CLOTHES

🐰 Will: clothes aren’t evidence of sex

🏀 Lucas: Here comes the lawyer again.

🐰 Will: I’m right

🎲 Dustin: Clothing and other personal belongings discovered in unusual communal locations following suspicious disappearances.

🐰 Will: circumstantial

🎲 Dustin: Yes.

🐰 Will: 😌

🎲 Dustin: Circumstantial evidence remains admissible.

🐰 Will: 😔

⚔️ Mike: stop trusting him

🔥 Max: Mike’s belt on the stairs.

⚔️ Mike: could happen normally

🔥 Max: how

⚔️ Mike: laundry

🐰 Will: no

⚔️ Mike: WILL

🐰 Will: babe I love you but that belt was absolutely not there because of laundry

🔥 Max: HA

🎲 Dustin: Defendant corroborates suspicious origin.

⚔️ Mike: I’m being prosecuted by my own boyfriend

🐰 Will: don’t leave your belt on the stairs then

⚔️ Mike: YOU TOOK IT OFF

🐰 Will: Michael

🔥 Max: OH???

🎲 Dustin: Self-incrimination.

🐰 Will: look what you’ve done

⚔️ Mike: FUCK

🏀 Lucas: Spectacular teamwork.

🔥 Max: defendant bunny looking less innocent by the minute

🐰 Will: I never claimed I didn’t take his clothes off

🐰 Will: I claimed the evidence was circumstantial

🎲 Dustin: That’s somehow worse.

🐰 Will: legally I think it’s better

🎲 Dustin: Lucas.

🏀 Lucas: Both their shirts behind the sofa.

🐰 Will: that could happen

🏀 Lucas: Together?

🐰 Will: yes

🏀 Lucas: With Mike’s jeans under the coffee table?

🐰 Will: less ideal

⚔️ Mike: still not proof

🏀 Lucas: And one of Will’s socks beside the lamp.

🐰 Will: how did my sock get there

⚔️ Mike: genuinely no idea

🔥 Max: you two are fucking feral

🐰 Will: it sounds worse listed together

🏀 Lucas: Because it was worse together.

🎲 Dustin: Approximate duration of disappearance?

🏀 Lucas: Forty minutes.

🐰 Will: efficient

⚔️ Mike: baby

🐰 Will: what 😭

🎲 Dustin: Recording “efficient.”

🐰 Will: STOP RECORDING MY JOKES

🎲 Dustin: Stop making useful ones.

🎲 Dustin: My example is the laundry basket.

⚔️ Mike: fuck

🐰 Will: which laundry basket

🎲 Dustin: Hallway. Mike’s jeans. Will’s jumper. A belt. Two non-matching socks. No actual laundry.

🔥 Max: incredible

🐰 Will: I don’t remember that

⚔️ Mike: you were drunk

🐰 Will: oh

🔥 Max: solved

🎲 Dustin: Why was everything in the basket?

⚔️ Mike: no idea

🐰 Will: maybe drunk me was tidying

🔥 Max: while taking both your clothes off???

🐰 Will: efficient

🎲 Dustin: Second use of “efficient.”

🐰 Will: shut up

🌼 Jane: I have one.

🐰 Will: why are you back

🌼 Jane: I am on the bus.

🐰 Will: go back to your essay

🌼 Jane: No.

🎲 Dustin: Evidence?

🌼 Jane: One of Mike’s shoes outside Will’s studio room.

⚔️ Mike: shoes aren’t sexual

🌼 Jane: The other was outside your bedroom.

🔥 Max: 😭

⚔️ Mike: oh

🐰 Will: that’s actually impressive

🏀 Lucas: How far apart?

🌼 Jane: Opposite sides of the hall.

⚔️ Mike: I have nothing

🐰 Will: neither do I

🎲 Dustin: Category Seven verdict: circumstantial, extensively corroborated, deeply stupid.

⚔️ Mike: fair

🐰 Will: I’ll accept deeply stupid

🎲 Dustin: CATEGORY EIGHT: TIMES MIKE HAS BEHAVED LIKE A RABID DOG ABOUT WILL.

⚔️ Mike: absolutely fucking not

🔥 Max: YES

🐰 Will: 😭😭😭

⚔️ Mike: why is that an official category

🎲 Dustin: It was originally “Inappropriate Displays of Sexual Interest in Co-Defendant.”

🔥 Max: boring

🏀 Lucas: Rabid dog is better.

⚔️ Mike: fuck both of you

🐰 Will: can he at least be a wolf

⚔️ Mike: THANK YOU

🔥 Max: no

⚔️ Mike: why not

🔥 Max: wolves have dignity

🐰 Will: sorry baby I tried

🎲 Dustin: I have an opening example.

⚔️ Mike: of course you do

🎲 Dustin: Will’s exhibition last year.

⚔️ Mike: what did I do

🔥 Max: bear

⚔️ Mike: what bear

🐰 Will: oh 😭

🏀 Lucas: He knows.

⚔️ Mike: I DON’T

🎲 Dustin: Tall guy. Big. Beard.

⚔️ Mike: OH

🔥 Max: INSTANTLY

⚔️ Mike: shut up

🎲 Dustin: Objectively very attractive.

⚔️ Mike: debatable

🔥 Max: no it isn’t

🏀 Lucas: He was a good-looking guy.

⚔️ Mike: why is everyone so invested in this

🐰 Will: he was handsome

⚔️ Mike: wow

🐰 Will: baby 😭

🐰 Will: you’re hotter

⚔️ Mike: okay

🔥 Max: PATHETIC

🎲 Dustin: He was talking to Will for several minutes.

🐰 Will: about my work

🎲 Dustin: And apparently flirting with him.

🐰 Will: a little bit

⚔️ Mike: I FUCKING KNEW IT

🐰 Will: I wasn’t flirting back

⚔️ Mike: I know

🐰 Will: you know I only wanted you

⚔️ Mike: I KNOW

🎲 Dustin: Mike then appeared.

⚔️ Mike: at my boyfriend’s exhibition

⚔️ Mike: shocking

🎲 Dustin: Put his arm around Will.

⚔️ Mike: normal

🎲 Dustin: Stayed attached to him for the remainder of the conversation.

⚔️ Mike: normal

🎲 Dustin: And called him “baby” five times in approximately two minutes.

🔥 Max: THERE IT IS

⚔️ Mike: I call him baby all the time

🐰 Will: you do

🐰 Will: not usually every twenty seconds

⚔️ Mike: unbelievable betrayal today

🐰 Will: 😭

🏀 Lucas: It was extremely obvious what you were doing.

⚔️ Mike: I TRUSTED WILL

🐰 Will: I know

⚔️ Mike: I wasn’t worried he was going to do anything

🔥 Max: you just wanted Bear Grylls to know he was yours

⚔️ Mike: NOT BEAR GRYLLS

🐰 Will: 😭😭😭

⚔️ Mike: and maybe

🔥 Max: TERRITORY MARKING

⚔️ Mike: I didn’t like him flirting with my boyfriend!!!

🐰 Will: I thought it was cute

⚔️ Mike: thank you bunny

🎲 Dustin: Mild but admissible.

🔥 Max: no no no

🔥 Max: that’s not rabid dog

⚔️ Mike: oh good

🔥 Max: that’s barely puppy

⚔️ Mike: oh fuck

🏀 Lucas: She’s right.

🎲 Dustin: You have stronger evidence?

🔥 Max: jean shorts

🐰 Will: oh

⚔️ Mike: no

🎲 Dustin: Explain.

🔥 Max: barbecue last summer

🔥 Max: Will was wearing those really short denim shorts

🐰 Will: they’re not REALLY short

🏀 Lucas: They’re pretty short.

🐰 Will: nobody asked you

⚔️ Mike: they’re perfect

🔥 Max: thank you defendant Wheeler

⚔️ Mike: fuck

🔥 Max: Mike had actually been behaving himself for most of the afternoon

⚔️ Mike: because I can behave myself

🐰 Will: sometimes ❤️

⚔️ Mike: baby

🐰 Will: sorry

🔥 Max: then Will walked past him

🔥 Max: and Mike just reached out and put his hand down the back of Will’s shorts

🎲 Dustin: In front of everyone?

🏀 Lucas: Yep.

🔥 Max: and gave him a squeeze

⚔️ Mike: it was ONE squeeze

🎲 Dustin: That’s your defence?

⚔️ Mike: apparently

🐰 Will: 😭

🔥 Max: Will fucking giggled

🐰 Will: because I wasn’t expecting it

🏀 Lucas: Then leaned back against Mike.

🐰 Will: because I like him???

🔥 Max: and Mike looked unbearably pleased with himself

⚔️ Mike: my boyfriend looked hot

🎲 Dustin: So you grabbed his arse.

⚔️ Mike: briefly

🐰 Will: very briefly

🔥 Max: why are you corroborating the duration

🐰 Will: accuracy matters

🎲 Dustin: This is substantially stronger evidence.

⚔️ Mike: of consensually touching my boyfriend

🎲 Dustin: In front of four friends at a barbecue because apparently denim overwhelmed you.

⚔️ Mike: when you put it like that

🔥 Max: RABID DOG

🐰 Will: I liked it

🔥 Max: WE KNOW

🐰 Will: just making sure ❤️

🎲 Dustin: Lucas?

🏀 Lucas: Grey joggers.

⚔️ Mike: no

🐰 Will: oh my god

🔥 Max: YES

🎲 Dustin: What happened?

⚔️ Mike: nothing happened

🏀 Lucas: Mike got hard.

⚔️ Mike: LUCAS

🔥 Max: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

🐰 Will: 😭😭😭

🎲 Dustin: From Will wearing joggers?

⚔️ Mike: I DIDN’T CHOOSE TO

🏀 Lucas: That’s why it was funny.

⚔️ Mike: he came downstairs wearing those fucking grey joggers

🐰 Will: and a T-shirt

⚔️ Mike: I know what you were wearing

🔥 Max: clearly

⚔️ Mike: fuck off

🎲 Dustin: How did everyone become aware of this?

🔥 Max: because Mike suddenly grabbed a sofa cushion

🏀 Lucas: And held it in front of himself.

🎲 Dustin: While standing?

🏀 Lucas: While standing.

🐰 Will: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

⚔️ Mike: I PANICKED

🔥 Max: he was standing in the kitchen holding a cushion over his dick 😭

⚔️ Mike: WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO

🏀 Lucas: Leave.

⚔️ Mike: Will was there

🔥 Max: THAT ANSWER IS SO MUCH WORSE

🐰 Will: 🥰

⚔️ Mike: don’t you start

🐰 Will: my boyfriend got hard because I wore joggers

🐰 Will: I’m allowed to enjoy that information

⚔️ Mike: you enjoyed it at the time too

🐰 Will: obviously

🔥 Max: bunny was fucking delighted

🐰 Will: wouldn’t you be???

🔥 Max: if Lucas did it because of me yes

🏀 Lucas: noted

🔥 Max: oh shut up

🎲 Dustin: Mike, any defence?

⚔️ Mike: erections are involuntary

🎲 Dustin: True.

⚔️ Mike: HA

🎲 Dustin: The cushion manoeuvre was not.

⚔️ Mike: fuck

🔥 Max: RABID DOG

⚔️ Mike: CAN WE RETIRE THAT

🔥 Max: absolutely not

🌼 Jane: I have one.

⚔️ Mike: Jane no

🌼 Jane: Will’s swim shorts.

🐰 Will: what about them

⚔️ Mike: oh fuck

🔥 Max: OH???

🎲 Dustin: Go ahead.

🌼 Jane: Lake trip.

🌼 Jane: Will came out of the water and sat beside Mike.

🐰 Will: normal

🌼 Jane: Mike looked at him.

⚔️ Mike: normal

🌼 Jane: Looked away.

⚔️ Mike: very normal

🌼 Jane: Looked back.

⚔️ Mike: still normal

🌼 Jane: Then quietly said, “This is actually fucking unreasonable.”

🔥 Max: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

🐰 Will: YOU SAID THAT???

⚔️ Mike: apparently

🌼 Jane: Will asked what was unreasonable.

🌼 Jane: Mike said, “You, currently.”

🐰 Will: 😭❤️

⚔️ Mike: I stand by it

🌼 Jane: Then Mike had to stay sitting down for a while.

🔥 Max: NOOOOO

🏀 Lucas: 😭

⚔️ Mike: JANE

🐰 Will: oh my god

🎲 Dustin: Again?

⚔️ Mike: I WAS TWENTY-ONE

🔥 Max: YOU’RE TWENTY-TWO NOW

⚔️ Mike: irrelevant

🐰 Will: wait

🐰 Will: is THAT why you wouldn’t come get ice cream with me

⚔️ Mike: yes

🐰 Will: MIKE 😭

⚔️ Mike: I couldn’t exactly stand up!!!

🔥 Max: fucking rabid

🐰 Will: you told me you were tired

⚔️ Mike: I WAS TRYING TO HAVE DIGNITY

🔥 Max: failed

🎲 Dustin: Category Eight verdict: guilty.

⚔️ Mike: of being twenty-two and attracted to my boyfriend

🎲 Dustin: Of repeatedly behaving as though exposure to Will Byers-Hopper overrides several higher brain functions.

🐰 Will: 🥰

⚔️ Mike: worth it

🔥 Max: rabid dog

⚔️ Mike: wolf

🔥 Max: no

🎲 Dustin: CATEGORY NINE: TIMES WILL’S “INNOCENT BUNNY” DEFENCE HAS COLLAPSED UNDER SIMILAR CONDITIONS.

🐰 Will: excuse me

⚔️ Mike: MY TURN

🐰 Will: you seem far too excited about prosecuting your own boyfriend

⚔️ Mike: I have suffered

⚔️ Mike: join me ❤️

🐰 Will: romantic

🔥 Max: I have the first one

🐰 Will: why

🔥 Max: because I witnessed it

🎲 Dustin: Proceed.

🔥 Max: I was sitting with Will downstairs.

🐰 Will: already concerned

🔥 Max: Mike was upstairs.

🔥 Max: Will’s phone went off.

🐰 Will: oh no

🔥 Max: and because I was sitting beside him I saw the message

⚔️ Mike: which message

🔥 Max: some of the cheesiest D&D flirting I have ever witnessed

⚔️ Mike: that doesn’t narrow it down

🐰 Will: 😭

🎲 Dustin: Do you remember the wording?

🔥 Max: something like “your paladin is waiting upstairs to ravish his cleric”

⚔️ Mike: OH

🐰 Will: FUCK

🔥 Max: there it is

🎲 Dustin: Mike sent this privately to Will?

🔥 Max: yes

⚔️ Mike: SEE

⚔️ Mike: correct recipient

🐰 Will: proud of you

⚔️ Mike: thank you baby

🎲 Dustin: Continue.

🔥 Max: Will read it.

🔥 Max: And I honest to god think he squealed.

🐰 Will: I did not SQUEAL

🔥 Max: you made a fucking noise

🐰 Will: maybe

🔥 Max: then went bright red

🐰 Will: probably

🔥 Max: then stood up

🔥 Max: MID-CONVERSATION

🔥 Max: and just said “sorry”

🔥 Max: and LEFT

🏀 Lucas: 😭

🎲 Dustin: Where did he go?

🔥 Max: UPSTAIRS

⚔️ Mike: 🥰

🐰 Will: shut up

🔥 Max: I was left sitting there alone

🐰 Will: Mike needed me

🔥 Max: MIKE WANTED TO FUCK YOU

🐰 Will: yes

🐰 Will: he needed me

⚔️ Mike: thank you bunny

🔥 Max: unbelievable

🎲 Dustin: How long until Will returned?

🔥 Max: he DIDN’T

🐰 Will: 😭😭😭

⚔️ Mike: sorry

🔥 Max: YOU’RE NOT

⚔️ Mike: no

🎲 Dustin: Strong evidence.

🏀 Lucas: That’s cute compared to the furniture one.

🐰 Will: what furniture one

🌼 Jane: I know this one.

🔥 Max: SO DO I

🐰 Will: oh god

🎲 Dustin: Jane, neutral witness.

🌼 Jane: Lucas and Mike were moving the old sofa.

⚔️ Mike: why was I helping again

🏀 Lucas: Because Dustin disappeared when I asked.

🎲 Dustin: I had a lab.

🏀 Lucas: You had Mario Kart.

🎲 Dustin: Irrelevant.

🌼 Jane: Max and Will were both in the kitchen with me.

🔥 Max: oh my god 😭

🐰 Will: I remember now

🌼 Jane: Lucas and Mike carried the sofa through the hall.

🌼 Jane: It was heavy.

🏀 Lucas: Very.

🌼 Jane: Lucas had taken his hoodie off.

🔥 Max: correct

🌼 Jane: Mike had pushed his sleeves up.

🐰 Will: Jane

🌼 Jane: I am establishing the scene.

⚔️ Mike: please continue establishing

🐰 Will: shut up

🌼 Jane: Max stopped talking.

🔥 Max: momentarily

🌼 Jane: Will also stopped talking.

🐰 Will: momentarily

🌼 Jane: Neither of them was looking at me anymore.

🏀 Lucas: 😏

⚔️ Mike: 😏

🔥 Max: both of you can fuck off

🐰 Will: agreed

🌼 Jane: Lucas lifted his end.

🌼 Jane: Max said, “Jesus.”

🔥 Max: okay

🌼 Jane: Mike pushed his end up.

🌼 Jane: Will made a noise.

🐰 Will: no

🔥 Max: YES HE FUCKING DID

🐰 Will: it was not a noise

🌼 Jane: It was a whine.

⚔️ Mike: BABY

🐰 Will: JANE

🔥 Max: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

🏀 Lucas: A WHINE?

🌼 Jane: Yes.

⚔️ Mike: holy shit

🐰 Will: can everyone calm down

⚔️ Mike: you WHINED because I was lifting a sofa???

🐰 Will: apparently

⚔️ Mike: that’s the best thing I’ve ever heard

🐰 Will: it wasn’t even conscious

🔥 Max: THAT’S WHY IT WAS SO FUNNY

🌼 Jane: Will then covered his mouth.

🐰 Will: because I realised I’d done it

🌼 Jane: Max looked at Will.

🌼 Jane: Will looked at Max.

🌼 Jane: Then both of them looked back at Mike and Lucas.

🔥 Max: solidarity

🐰 Will: you were staring too!!!

🔥 Max: AT MY OWN BOYFRIEND

🐰 Will: SO WAS I

🌼 Jane: I was standing between them wondering why I had agreed to help.

🏀 Lucas: babe ❤️

🌼 Jane: No.

⚔️ Mike: bunny

🐰 Will: no

⚔️ Mike: you whined

🐰 Will: I know

⚔️ Mike: because of my arms

🐰 Will: don’t ruin it

⚔️ Mike: doing the little push thing?

🐰 Will: FUCK YOU

⚔️ Mike: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

🔥 Max: he is never letting that go

🐰 Will: I know 😭

🎲 Dustin: This is substantially stronger than Max’s first example.

🔥 Max: HE MADE AN INVOLUNTARY SEX NOISE IN THE KITCHEN

🐰 Will: “sex noise” is editorialising

🌼 Jane: It sounded sexual.

🐰 Will: JANE???

🌼 Jane: You wanted a neutral witness.

🎲 Dustin: Any further examples?

⚔️ Mike: I have one

🐰 Will: absolutely not

⚔️ Mike: you don’t even know which one

🐰 Will: doesn’t matter

⚔️ Mike: white T-shirt

🐰 Will: FUCK

🔥 Max: oh this is promising

🎲 Dustin: Context.

⚔️ Mike: really hot day

🏀 Lucas: I remember this.

⚔️ Mike: Lucas and I had been outside moving shit again

🔥 Max: apparently manual labour is catastrophic for this household

⚔️ Mike: came inside

⚔️ Mike: my shirt was sweaty

🐰 Will: horrible

⚔️ Mike: liar

🐰 Will: 😭

⚔️ Mike: it was sticking to me

🎲 Dustin: And Will?

⚔️ Mike: looked at me and fucking WHINED

🐰 Will: I DID NOT

🏀 Lucas: You did.

🐰 Will: TWICE???

🔥 Max: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

⚔️ Mike: DIFFERENT WHINE

🐰 Will: this is character assassination

🏀 Lucas: This one was more like “Mike, for fuck’s sake.”

⚔️ Mike: but whiny

🐰 Will: because you looked—

🐰 Will: never mind

⚔️ Mike: no no

⚔️ Mike: finish that

🐰 Will: hot

⚔️ Mike: 🥰

🐰 Will: you looked hot

🐰 Will: happy?

⚔️ Mike: extremely

🔥 Max: what happened next

⚔️ Mike: nothing

🔥 Max: really?

🐰 Will: YES

⚔️ Mike: he just stared at me for a bit

🐰 Will: you were standing in front of the fridge drinking water with your shirt stuck to you

🐰 Will: what was I supposed to do

🔥 Max: behave like a human being

🐰 Will: apparently not available

🎲 Dustin: Interesting.

🐰 Will: don’t say interesting

🎲 Dustin: Mike’s category contains more overt touching and two confirmed involuntary erections.

⚔️ Mike: please don’t summarise it like that

🎲 Dustin: Will’s contains abandoning Max following a sexual summons and multiple involuntary vocalisations.

🐰 Will: even worse summary

🔥 Max: horny bunny

🐰 Will: no

🎲 Dustin: The rabbit metaphor is becoming difficult for the defence.

🐰 Will: why

🔥 Max: because rabbits have a REPUTATION

🐰 Will: oh fuck off

⚔️ Mike: my horny little bunny ❤️

🐰 Will: don’t

⚔️ Mike: innocent little bunny was false advertising

🐰 Will: I never said I wasn’t horny

🔥 Max: THAT IS BASICALLY A CONFESSION

🐰 Will: for my boyfriend???

🐰 Will: obviously I’m horny for my boyfriend

⚔️ Mike: ❤️

🐰 Will: look at him

🔥 Max: no thanks

🎲 Dustin: Category Nine verdict: guilty.

🐰 Will: fine

🎲 Dustin: Mike remains more visibly rabid.

⚔️ Mike: rude

🎲 Dustin: Will has simply benefited from superior public relations.

🔥 Max: THERE IT IS

🐰 Will: I’ll take superior public relations

⚔️ Mike: I always knew you were just as bad as me

🐰 Will: you love it

⚔️ Mike: so much

🎲 Dustin: CATEGORY TEN: TIMES ONE DEFENDANT ACCIDENTALLY REVEALED SOMETHING NOBODY ELSE KNEW.

🐰 Will: I would like my superior public relations back

🔥 Max: girls’ night

🐰 Will: FUCK

🌼 Jane: Which one?

🐰 Will: JANE DON’T HELP HER

🔥 Max: wine night

🌼 Jane: Oh.

🐰 Will: I hate that you both immediately know

🎲 Dustin: Evidence?

🔥 Max: we were talking about clothes

🔥 Max: Jane asked Will why he owned so much black lace underwear

⚔️ Mike: oh my god

🐰 Will: I had been drinking

🔥 Max: nobody asked WHY

🔥 Max: but Will volunteered “Mike likes it”

⚔️ Mike: true

🐰 Will: Michael

⚔️ Mike: sorry

🔥 Max: and then added “especially when he gets to pick”

🎲 Dustin: Oh?

🐰 Will: THERE IS NOT A SYSTEM

🔥 Max: nobody said system

🐰 Will: you were about to

🌼 Jane: She was.

🔥 Max: I was

🐰 Will: sometimes I ask Mike which pair he likes

⚔️ Mike: black

🐰 Will: I KNOW

🔥 Max: 😭

🎲 Dustin: Lucas?

🏀 Lucas: Breakfast.

⚔️ Mike: oh no

🐰 Will: sober Mike?

🏀 Lucas: Completely sober Mike.

🐰 Will: excellent

⚔️ Mike: fuck you

🐰 Will: please do

⚔️ Mike: oh

🐰 Will: 🖕

🎲 Dustin: Continue.

🏀 Lucas: We were talking about sleeping habits.

🏀 Lucas: Mike casually announced, “Will sleeps better after sex.”

🐰 Will: still cannot believe you did that

⚔️ Mike: WE WERE TALKING ABOUT SLEEP

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

🏀 Lucas: Everyone went quiet.

🏀 Lucas: Mike looked around and genuinely said, “What?”

⚔️ Mike: because it was relevant!!!

🐰 Will: you gave them a review of my post-sex sleep quality over cereal

⚔️ Mike: I said ONE SENTENCE

🎲 Dustin: My example.

⚔️ Mike: great

🎲 Dustin: D&D night.

🐰 Will: no

🎲 Dustin: Max’s rogue had been arrested.

🔥 Max: iconic

🎲 Dustin: I complained that the escape DC on the handcuffs was too low.

🎲 Dustin: Mike said, “You’d be surprised how easy cheap handcuffs are to get out of.”

⚔️ Mike: I was contributing to the game

🎲 Dustin: I asked how he knew.

🎲 Dustin: Mike replied, “Will broke a pair.”

🔥 Max: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

🏀 Lucas: still incredible

🌼 Jane: Michael.

🐰 Will: I wanted the earth to swallow me

⚔️ Mike: I FORGOT NOBODY KNEW

🐰 Will: BECAUSE YOU AND I WERE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO COULD POSSIBLY KNOW

⚔️ Mike: exactly!!!

🐰 Will: THAT IS HOW SECRETS WORK

🎲 Dustin: Will kicked Mike under the table immediately afterwards.

⚔️ Mike: hard

🐰 Will: deserved

🔥 Max: did you actually break them

🐰 Will: irrelevant

🎲 Dustin: Correct. Different category.

🐰 Will: finally justice

🌼 Jane: I have a non-sexual one.

🐰 Will: thank god

🌼 Jane: Will accidentally told Mum that he and Mike were planning to live together.

⚔️ Mike: aw

🐰 Will: years ago

🎲 Dustin: Justice has no statute of limitations.

🐰 Will: walked into that

🌼 Jane: They hadn’t told anybody yet.

🌼 Jane: Will forgot because he was too excited.

⚔️ Mike: 🥺

🐰 Will: don’t

⚔️ Mike: you were excited to live with me

🐰 Will: of course I was

⚔️ Mike: baby

🐰 Will: you were too

⚔️ Mike: I was losing my fucking mind

🔥 Max: disgusting but cute

🏀 Lucas: Give them a minute.

🔥 Max: actually

🔥 Max: beach trip

🐰 Will: there it is

🎲 Dustin: Explain.

🔥 Max: Never Have I Ever after the rum

🏀 Lucas: oh god

🔥 Max: Dustin said “never have I ever had sex somewhere in the house other than a bedroom”

🎲 Dustin: I was trying to catch Lucas.

🏀 Lucas: why ME

🎲 Dustin: Historical reasons.

🔥 Max: Mike drank

🔥 Max: Will drank

🔥 Max: nobody was surprised

🔥 Max: then Mike asked Will “does the stairs count”

🎲 Dustin: THE STAIRS?

⚔️ Mike: fuck

🐰 Will: I had successfully forgotten this

🔥 Max: and Will replied “technically we didn’t finish there”

🏀 Lucas: 😭😭😭

🐰 Will: DRUNK

⚔️ Mike: why would you ANSWER ME

🐰 Will: why would you ASK ME

🌼 Jane: Everyone started shouting.

🔥 Max: OBVIOUSLY

🎲 Dustin: What does “didn’t finish there” mean?

🐰 Will: nothing

🎲 Dustin: Geographically, it clearly means something.

⚔️ Mike: spiritual right to remain silent

🐰 Will: joining him

🎲 Dustin: Did the incident migrate?

🐰 Will: category ten is over

🔥 Max: MIGRATE 😭

🎲 Dustin: Fine.

🎲 Dustin: Verdict: Mike is more dangerous completely sober.

🐰 Will: HA

🎲 Dustin: Will becomes substantially more dangerous after wine.

🔥 Max: HA

🐰 Will: fuck

🎲 Dustin: Both defendants repeatedly volunteer information nobody requested and immediately regret it.

⚔️ Mike: fair

🐰 Will: unfortunately

🎲 Dustin: Current case file: six pages.

⚔️ Mike: SIX???

🔥 Max: we’re only halfway 😭

🎲 Dustin: Plus title page and contents.

🐰 Will: YOU MADE A CONTENTS PAGE

🎲 Dustin: Obviously.

🏀 Lucas: What’s eleven?

🎲 Dustin: Suspicious disappearances during group activities.

⚔️ Mike: oh fuck off

🐰 Will: THAT IS NOT JUST US

🔥 Max: here we go

🔥 Max: movie night

⚔️ Mike: vague

🔥 Max: Christmas movie night

🐰 Will: still vague

🏀 Lucas: Die Hard argument.

⚔️ Mike: oh

🐰 Will: shit

🔥 Max: THERE IT IS

🎲 Dustin: Max, go ahead.

🔥 Max: we were halfway through Die Hard

⚔️ Mike: which IS a Christmas movie

🏀 Lucas: Not relevant.

⚔️ Mike: always relevant

🔥 Max: Mike had spent about twenty minutes arguing with Lucas about it

🏀 Lucas: Mike was arguing.

🐰 Will: I agreed with him

⚔️ Mike: thank you baby

🐰 Will: you’re right ❤️

🎲 Dustin: Focus.

🔥 Max: Will got up to go upstairs

🐰 Will: normal

🔥 Max: Mike followed him about a minute later

⚔️ Mike: also normal

🔥 Max: and then neither of them came back for twenty-six minutes

🐰 Will: allegedly twenty-six

🏀 Lucas: Twenty-six.

⚔️ Mike: why were you timing us

🏀 Lucas: I wasn’t.

🏀 Lucas: You came back and asked what you’d missed.

🏀 Lucas: I checked the runtime because you started complaining that we’d kept watching without you.

⚔️ Mike: we were watching it together

🔥 Max: THEN DON’T DISAPPEAR FOR TWENTY-SIX MINUTES

🐰 Will: we were talking

⚔️ Mike: privately

🎲 Dustin: Upstairs.

🐰 Will: yes

🎲 Dustin: For twenty-six minutes.

⚔️ Mike: sometimes conversations take twenty-six minutes

🐰 Will: we’re very communicative

🔥 Max: you came back looking like you’d been attacked

🐰 Will: dramatic

⚔️ Mike: massively

🔥 Max: Mike’s hair was completely fucked

⚔️ Mike: my hair always looks like that

🐰 Will: actually strong defence

⚔️ Mike: thank you

🔥 Max: Will’s shirt was half untucked

🐰 Will: I sit weird

⚔️ Mike: he does

🔥 Max: and buttoned wrong

🐰 Will: could have been like that before

🔥 Max: it WASN’T

🐰 Will: do you have photographic evidence

🔥 Max: no because I don’t take fucking continuity photos of your clothes

🐰 Will: then you can’t establish that beyond reasonable doubt

⚔️ Mike: excellent

🎲 Dustin: You’re getting worryingly coordinated.

⚔️ Mike: we’re learning

🐰 Will: adversity has strengthened us

🔥 Max: MIKE HAD A FUCKING HICKEY

⚔️ Mike: could have been old

🔥 Max: IT WASN’T THERE BEFORE YOU LEFT

⚔️ Mike: prove it

🐰 Will: exactly

🏀 Lucas: It wasn’t.

🐰 Will: hostile witness

🏀 Lucas: I was sitting beside him for half the film.

⚔️ Mike: you weren’t studying my neck

🏀 Lucas: No, but the giant red mark was noticeably absent.

🔥 Max: THANK YOU

🐰 Will: still circumstantial

🎲 Dustin: Mike’s hair dishevelled, Will’s clothing dishevelled, fresh mark on Mike’s neck.

⚔️ Mike: allegedly fresh

🐰 Will: allegedly from me

🔥 Max: WILL

🐰 Will: what

🐰 Will: you cannot prove I gave him that

⚔️ Mike: babe

🐰 Will: don’t

⚔️ Mike: who else would have given it to me

🐰 Will: MICHAEL

⚔️ Mike: oh fuck

🐰 Will: WE’RE A TEAM NOW

⚔️ Mike: sorry

🔥 Max: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

🏀 Lucas: Outstanding legal work.

🎲 Dustin: Defendant Wheeler confirms the mark came from Defendant Byers-Hopper.

⚔️ Mike: I withdraw that

🐰 Will: we both withdraw it

🎲 Dustin: That’s not how testimony works.

⚔️ Mike: corrupt system

🐰 Will: fundamentally broken

🎲 Dustin: What was the private conversation about?

🐰 Will: private

⚔️ Mike: clue’s in the name

🎲 Dustin: Did it require Mike’s hair being pulled?

⚔️ Mike: objection

🐰 Will: speculative

🔥 Max: oh my GOD 😭

🎲 Dustin: Fine.

🎲 Dustin: Strong circumstantial evidence plus accidental corroboration from Mike.

⚔️ Mike: I said like six words

🐰 Will: six words too many apparently

⚔️ Mike: sorry counsel

🐰 Will: forgiven

🌼 Jane: Dustin’s birthday.

⚔️ Mike: no

🐰 Will: which birthday

🌼 Jane: Twenty-first.

🐰 Will: oh

⚔️ Mike: shit

🔥 Max: immediate recognition again

🎲 Dustin: What happened?

🌼 Jane: Mike couldn’t find his phone.

⚔️ Mike: legitimate problem

🐰 Will: very

🌼 Jane: Will offered to help him look.

🐰 Will: supportive boyfriend

⚔️ Mike: ❤️

🌼 Jane: They both went upstairs.

⚔️ Mike: because we thought I’d left it upstairs

🐰 Will: perfectly reasonable

🌼 Jane: Then Dustin called Mike’s phone.

🎲 Dustin: Because we needed it for music.

🌼 Jane: And it rang on the kitchen counter.

⚔️ Mike: unfortunate

🐰 Will: doesn’t change why we originally went upstairs

🎲 Dustin: True.

⚔️ Mike: HA

🐰 Will: FINALLY

🎲 Dustin: How long did you remain upstairs after everyone downstairs had found the phone?

⚔️ Mike: irrelevant

🐰 Will: extremely

🎲 Dustin: Eighteen minutes.

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

⚔️ Mike: we didn’t know you’d found it

🌼 Jane: I shouted.

🐰 Will: didn’t hear you

🌼 Jane: Max shouted.

🔥 Max: VERY loudly

⚔️ Mike: still didn’t hear

🎲 Dustin: I sent both of you messages.

🐰 Will: phones were downstairs

🎲 Dustin: Yours wasn’t.

🐰 Will: fuck

⚔️ Mike: okay new strategy

🐰 Will: no comment?

⚔️ Mike: no comment

🐰 Will: agreed

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

🎲 Dustin: What were you doing upstairs?

⚔️ Mike: no comment

🐰 Will: no comment

🌼 Jane: I know.

🐰 Will: Jane

🌼 Jane: I went upstairs to use the bathroom.

⚔️ Mike: there are bathrooms downstairs

🌼 Jane: It was occupied.

⚔️ Mike: damn

🌼 Jane: Their bedroom door was shut.

🐰 Will: bedrooms have doors

🌼 Jane: I could hear the bed.

⚔️ Mike: fuck

🔥 Max: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

🐰 Will: could have been anything

🌼 Jane: And Will.

🐰 Will: okay

⚔️ Mike: no comment

🐰 Will: no comment

🎲 Dustin: Very wise.

🌼 Jane: I went back downstairs.

🔥 Max: did you tell anyone

🌼 Jane: No.

🌼 Jane: It was Dustin’s birthday.

🎲 Dustin: Thank you.

🌼 Jane: I did tell them the next morning that they’re disgusting.

🐰 Will: which was fair

⚔️ Mike: agreed

🎲 Dustin: So you went upstairs to find a phone that was downstairs, discovered it was downstairs, remained upstairs anyway and had sex during my birthday party.

⚔️ Mike: objection to “discovered”

🐰 Will: yes

🐰 Will: we did not discover the phone was downstairs until later

⚔️ Mike: exactly

🎲 Dustin: You’re objecting only to the sequence of knowledge.

🐰 Will: accuracy matters

⚔️ Mike: enormously

🔥 Max: NOT TO THE SEX???

⚔️ Mike: no comment

🐰 Will: no comment

🎲 Dustin: Noted.

🏀 Lucas: Game night at mine.

⚔️ Mike: allegedly

🐰 Will: Lucas, consider friendship

🏀 Lucas: I have.

🏀 Lucas: Still testifying.

🎲 Dustin: Proceed.

🏀 Lucas: Mario Kart.

⚔️ Mike: I remember nothing

🏀 Lucas: You were eighth.

⚔️ Mike: I remember slander

🐰 Will: temporary setback

⚔️ Mike: thank you

🏀 Lucas: Will went upstairs to use the bathroom.

🐰 Will: normal

🏀 Lucas: About thirty seconds later Mike got up.

⚔️ Mike: also needed the bathroom

🏀 Lucas: There are two.

⚔️ Mike: preferred upstairs

🐰 Will: established preference

🎲 Dustin: Has never previously been established.

🐰 Will: establishing it now

🔥 Max: 😭

🏀 Lucas: They were gone for fifteen minutes.

⚔️ Mike: maybe I had a difficult piss

🐰 Will: Michael

⚔️ Mike: what

🐰 Will: we’re supposed to be better at this now

⚔️ Mike: sorry

🎲 Dustin: What actually happened?

⚔️ Mike: no comment

🐰 Will: no comment

🏀 Lucas: They came back separately.

🔥 Max: OOOH attempted stealth

🐰 Will: because I finished in the bathroom first

⚔️ Mike: exactly

🏀 Lucas: Will came back first.

🏀 Lucas: Hair fucked.

🐰 Will: curls

⚔️ Mike: genuinely plausible

🏀 Lucas: Shirt untucked.

🐰 Will: casual dresser

⚔️ Mike: also plausible

🏀 Lucas: Bright red mark on his neck.

🐰 Will: skin irritation

⚔️ Mike: sensitive skin

🔥 Max: fucking hell they’re READY now

🏀 Lucas: Mike came back two minutes later.

⚔️ Mike: see

⚔️ Mike: separate bathroom trips

🏀 Lucas: With Will’s lip balm in his pocket.

⚔️ Mike: we share things

🐰 Will: true

🏀 Lucas: And his fly undone.

⚔️ Mike: FUCK

🐰 Will: oh for fuck’s sake

🔥 Max: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

🎲 Dustin: There it is.

⚔️ Mike: jeans malfunction

🐰 Will: old zip

🏀 Lucas: They were new.

🐰 Will: hostile witness

⚔️ Mike: extremely hostile

🔥 Max: what happened when Mike came back

🏀 Lucas: He sat down beside Will.

🏀 Lucas: Will looked at him.

🏀 Lucas: Looked down.

🏀 Lucas: Looked back up.

🏀 Lucas: And quietly told him to zip his jeans.

🐰 Will: FUCK OFF

⚔️ Mike: oh my god I forgot that

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭😭😭

🎲 Dustin: Direct contemporaneous corroboration.

🐰 Will: I was HELPING HIM

⚔️ Mike: he was

🎲 Dustin: Yes. Unfortunately, he was helping you conceal the evidence.

🐰 Will: shit

⚔️ Mike: we’re terrible lawyers

🐰 Will: we’re improving

⚔️ Mike: are we?

🐰 Will: no

🎲 Dustin: Halloween.

🐰 Will: pirate?

🔥 Max: PIRATE

⚔️ Mike: can we exclude Halloween on grounds of Will looking fucking ridiculous

🐰 Will: ridiculous?

⚔️ Mike: ridiculously hot

🐰 Will: oh

🔥 Max: don’t get distracted now bunny

🐰 Will: sorry

🎲 Dustin: Jane?

🌼 Jane: Will went upstairs for his charger.

🐰 Will: legitimate.

🌼 Jane: Mike followed shortly afterwards.

⚔️ Mike: also needed something

🎲 Dustin: What?

⚔️ Mike: it was two years ago

🐰 Will: reasonable memory limitation

🌼 Jane: They were gone for almost half an hour.

🐰 Will: time moves differently at parties

🔥 Max: what does that even mean

🐰 Will: nothing

🌼 Jane: When they came back, Mike’s hair was a mess.

⚔️ Mike: baseline condition

🐰 Will: strongest defence we’ve had all night

🌼 Jane: Will’s eyeliner was smudged.

🐰 Will: party

⚔️ Mike: sweaty

🌼 Jane: Mike had black eyeliner smeared around his mouth.

⚔️ Mike: …

🐰 Will: …

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

🎲 Dustin: Around his mouth.

🌼 Jane: Yes.

⚔️ Mike: could have happened innocently

🔥 Max: HOW

⚔️ Mike: Will could have drawn on my face

🐰 Will: plausible

🔥 Max: did you

🐰 Will: no

⚔️ Mike: WILL

🐰 Will: I’m sorry but that was fucking ridiculous

⚔️ Mike: WE’RE DEFENDING EACH OTHER

🐰 Will: I know but we need believable lies

🎲 Dustin: You need truthful testimony.

🐰 Will: agree to disagree

🎲 Dustin: Any explanation for the eyeliner?

⚔️ Mike: no comment

🐰 Will: no comment

🔥 Max: we all know exactly how it got there

⚔️ Mike: speculation

🐰 Will: inadmissible

🎲 Dustin: I decide what’s admissible.

🐰 Will: hate that

🎲 Dustin: Category Eleven verdict: four confirmed joint disappearances during group activities.

⚔️ Mike: confirmed disappearances

🐰 Will: alleged sexual purpose

🎲 Dustin: One included fresh physical evidence and an accidental confession.

⚔️ Mike: circumstantial plus verbal error

🐰 Will: agreed

🎲 Dustin: One included auditory evidence of sex.

🐰 Will: unfortunate

⚔️ Mike: difficult to litigate

🎲 Dustin: One included obvious physical aftermath and an open fly.

⚔️ Mike: defective zip

🐰 Will: manufacturing standards have declined

🎲 Dustin: And one involved Mike returning with Will’s eyeliner around his mouth.

🐰 Will: Halloween is inherently chaotic

⚔️ Mike: exactly

🎲 Dustin: Guilty.

⚔️ Mike: appeal

🐰 Will: joint appeal

🎲 Dustin: Denied.

🔥 Max: this is getting so much worse for them

⚔️ Mike: I preferred when you were making fun of my dick pics

🐰 Will: same

🎲 Dustin: CATEGORY TWELVE: HOLIDAY AND HOTEL OFFENCES.

⚔️ Mike: international jurisdiction is fake

🐰 Will: finally a strong legal argument

🔥 Max: oh this category is going to be BAD

🎲 Dustin: First offence. Lake Michigan cabin.

⚔️ Mike: immediately objecting

🐰 Will: same

🎲 Dustin: Grounds?

⚔️ Mike: cabins have shit soundproofing

🐰 Will: structural failure

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

🎲 Dustin: Interesting that you both know exactly where this is going.

🐰 Will: because we’ve heard this complaint before

⚔️ Mike: repeatedly

🏀 Lucas: For good reason.

🎲 Dustin: First night.

🔥 Max: eleven forty-seven

⚔️ Mike: why do you know the TIME

🔥 Max: because I texted you

🐰 Will: oh

⚔️ Mike: fuck

🎲 Dustin: Searchable evidence?

🔥 Max: found it

🔥 Max: [screenshot]

🔥 Max: 11:47 PM — Max: can you two keep it down
🔥 Max: 11:48 PM — Max: seriously
🔥 Max: 11:50 PM — Max: THE WALL IS SHAKING

🐰 Will: okay that last one is dramatic

🏀 Lucas: It wasn’t.

⚔️ Mike: old cabin

🐰 Will: flimsy construction

🎲 Dustin: What was shaking the wall?

⚔️ Mike: no comment

🐰 Will: no comment

🔥 Max: I know what was shaking the wall

🐰 Will: speculation

⚔️ Mike: inadmissible

🎲 Dustin: Did either of you respond?

🔥 Max: nope

⚔️ Mike: phones were on silent

🐰 Will: we were busy

⚔️ Mike: babe

🐰 Will: I didn’t say what we were busy doing

⚔️ Mike: okay

🔥 Max: 😭

🎲 Dustin: When did it stop?

🔥 Max: just after midnight

🏀 Lucas: Because I knocked on the wall.

⚔️ Mike: you scared the shit out of me

🐰 Will: oh my god

🔥 Max: wait

🏀 Lucas: I scared the shit out of you?

⚔️ Mike: yes

🏀 Lucas: I knocked three times.

⚔️ Mike: three very fucking sudden knocks

🔥 Max: what were you two so concentrated on that Lucas knocking on the wall gave you that much of a fright

🐰 Will: don’t answer that

⚔️ Mike: I had my gorgeous boyfriend underneath me with his eyes rolled back panting my name. I was a bit fucking distracted.

🐰 Will: MIKE

🔥 Max: OH MY FUCKING GOD

🏀 Lucas: Jesus Christ.

🌼 Jane: Michael.

🎲 Dustin: Well.

⚔️ Mike: what

🎲 Dustin: You just admitted it.

⚔️ Mike: admitted what

🔥 Max: EVERYTHING YOU FUCKING IDIOT 😭😭😭

⚔️ Mike: I didn’t actually say we were having sex

🐰 Will: Mike stop

⚔️ Mike: no because he’s twisting my words

🐰 Will: THERE IS NOTHING TO TWIST

⚔️ Mike: Max asked why I got a fright

🔥 Max: BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO GET YOU TO ADMIT WHY

⚔️ Mike: oh

🐰 Will: yeah

⚔️ Mike: fuck

🎲 Dustin: Direct self-incrimination.

⚔️ Mike: no

🎲 Dustin: Extremely direct self-incrimination.

⚔️ Mike: still technically didn’t say sex

🐰 Will: baby

⚔️ Mike: what

🐰 Will: I love you

⚔️ Mike: love you too

🐰 Will: as your co-defendant please shut the fuck up ❤️

⚔️ Mike: fine

🔥 Max: “my gorgeous boyfriend” 😭

🐰 Will: don’t

⚔️ Mike: he is

🐰 Will: NOT HELPING

🎲 Dustin: Did the offence recur?

🔥 Max: NEXT NIGHT

⚔️ Mike: fuck off

🐰 Will: that was different

🎲 Dustin: How?

🐰 Will: we were quieter

⚔️ Mike: BABE

🐰 Will: oh fuck

🔥 Max: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

🏀 Lucas: Great recovery.

🐰 Will: I meant whatever we were doing was quieter

⚔️ Mike: now YOU stop talking

🐰 Will: you don’t get to say that after what you just did

⚔️ Mike: fair

🎲 Dustin: Repeat offence.

⚔️ Mike: allegedly

🐰 Will: jointly disputed

🎲 Dustin: Chicago hotel.

🐰 Will: no

⚔️ Mike: which Chicago hotel

🔥 Max: WHY ARE THERE OPTIONS

⚔️ Mike: shut up

🎲 Dustin: The concert.

⚔️ Mike: oh

🐰 Will: fuck

🌼 Jane: Our rooms were next to each other.

🎲 Dustin: I remember this.

⚔️ Mike: Henderson don’t

🎲 Dustin: THE HEADBOARD.

🔥 Max: oh this is going well

🐰 Will: could have been anything

🎲 Dustin: At about one in the morning something started repeatedly hitting our shared wall.

⚔️ Mike: hotels make noises

🐰 Will: pipes

🎲 Dustin: Rhythmic pipes?

🐰 Will: plumbing is complicated

🌼 Jane: It stopped.

🎲 Dustin: Then started again.

🌼 Jane: Then stopped.

🎲 Dustin: Then started again.

⚔️ Mike: sounds exactly like plumbing

🐰 Will: thank you

🎲 Dustin: Then I heard Will say Mike’s name.

🐰 Will: people say names

⚔️ Mike: constantly

🎲 Dustin: Not like that.

🐰 Will: subjective

⚔️ Mike: hugely subjective

🌼 Jane: I heard it too.

🐰 Will: sibling testimony remains morally objectionable

🎲 Dustin: Still admissible.

🌼 Jane: I put headphones on.

🐰 Will: sensible

⚔️ Mike: genuinely sorry

🌼 Jane: Thank you.

🎲 Dustin: I didn’t have headphones.

⚔️ Mike: also genuinely sorry

🎲 Dustin: I hit the wall.

🐰 Will: did you?

🎲 Dustin: Yes.

🎲 Dustin: You stopped.

⚔️ Mike: coincidence

🐰 Will: compelling coincidence

🔥 Max: you two have used that defence too many times

🎲 Dustin: Ten minutes later it started again.

🔥 Max: NO 😭

⚔️ Mike: okay

🐰 Will: unfortunate

🎲 Dustin: I hit the wall again.

🎲 Dustin: Mike shouted “SORRY.”

⚔️ Mike: neighbourly

🐰 Will: considerate

🎲 Dustin: And then?

🌼 Jane: They were quieter.

🐰 Will: SEE

⚔️ Mike: considerate

🔥 Max: THAT IS NOT AN ACQUITTAL

🎲 Dustin: Indianapolis hotel.

⚔️ Mike: breakfast isn’t a sexual offence

🐰 Will: finally some sanity

🔥 Max: we were meeting downstairs at nine

🔥 Max: nine fifteen

🔥 Max: no Mike and Will

🔥 Max: nine thirty

🔥 Max: still no Mike and Will

🏀 Lucas: We called the room.

⚔️ Mike: asleep

🐰 Will: holiday

🏀 Lucas: No answer.

🔥 Max: I went upstairs because Will had the parking pass in his wallet

🐰 Will: responsible

⚔️ Mike: trusted member of the Party

🔥 Max: I knocked twice before Mike eventually opened the door

⚔️ Mike: sleepy

🔥 Max: in his boxers

⚔️ Mike: sleeping attire

🔥 Max: hair completely fucked

⚔️ Mike: baseline

🐰 Will: established defence

🔥 Max: hickey on his chest

⚔️ Mike: old

🐰 Will: reasonable doubt

🔥 Max: scratches down his back

⚔️ Mike: sheets

🏀 Lucas: SHEETS?

🐰 Will: stop improvising

⚔️ Mike: I’m under pressure

🔥 Max: Will shouted from inside asking who it was

🐰 Will: normal

🔥 Max: Mike said it was me

⚔️ Mike: still normal

🔥 Max: and Will immediately yelled “don’t let her in”

🐰 Will: okay

🎲 Dustin: Why?

🐰 Will: privacy

🔥 Max: I assumed naked Will

🐰 Will: you cannot prove that

🔥 Max: I HAD NO DESIRE TO

🐰 Will: thank you

⚔️ Mike: appreciated

🔥 Max: Mike was only opening the door about six inches

⚔️ Mike: because my boyfriend was in bed

🎲 Dustin: Naked?

⚔️ Mike: no comment

🐰 Will: good

🔥 Max: I asked for the parking pass

🔥 Max: Mike yelled “baby where’s your wallet”

🐰 Will: okay

🔥 Max: Will yelled “my jeans”

🔥 Max: Mike asked which jeans

⚔️ Mike: there were multiple pairs

🔥 Max: Will yelled “the ones by the door”

🐰 Will: still fine

🔥 Max: they were literally touching Mike’s foot

🏀 Lucas: 😭😭😭

🎲 Dustin: Distracted.

⚔️ Mike: tired

🐰 Will: very tired

🔥 Max: Mike bent down to get the wallet and I saw his back properly

⚔️ Mike: we’ve covered the scratches

🔥 Max: I hadn’t

⚔️ Mike: oh

🐰 Will: shit

🔥 Max: I went “Jesus Christ, Will”

🔥 Max: and Will shouted “what?”

🐰 Will: I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT YOU’D SEEN

⚔️ Mike: he didn’t

🔥 Max: Mike realised what I meant and stood up so fast he hit his head on the door

🏀 Lucas: 😭

⚔️ Mike: stressful morning

🐰 Will: he had a bump for two days

🔥 Max: I got the pass and left

🔥 Max: because I did not want a single additional piece of information

🐰 Will: wise

⚔️ Mike: very

🔥 Max: they came downstairs forty minutes later

🏀 Lucas: Looking extremely pleased with themselves.

🐰 Will: we had a nice morning

⚔️ Mike: apparently illegal

🎲 Dustin: Wisconsin Dells.

⚔️ Mike: no

🐰 Will: objection

🎲 Dustin: Shared rental house.

🎲 Dustin: Approximately two in the morning.

⚔️ Mike: asleep

🏀 Lucas: We could hear you talking.

🐰 Will: people talk before sleeping

🔥 Max: then the talking stopped

🔥 Max: then the bed started squeaking

⚔️ Mike: old bed

🐰 Will: rental furniture

🎲 Dustin: Then it got faster.

🐰 Will: nobody needs a tempo analysis

🎲 Dustin: Agreed.

🎲 Dustin: Because then Will shouted “fuck, Mike.”

🐰 Will: okay

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

⚔️ Mike: could’ve stubbed his toe

🐰 Will: thank you

🏀 Lucas: In bed?

⚔️ Mike: toes remain vulnerable in bed

🐰 Will: strong argument

🔥 Max: then there was a massive bang

🌼 Jane: I remember that.

🎲 Dustin: Followed by complete silence.

🔥 Max: and about five seconds later Mike yelled “WE’RE FINE”

⚔️ Mike: because we were

🐰 Will: eventually

🎲 Dustin: Eventually?

🐰 Will: no comment

⚔️ Mike: no comment

🏀 Lucas: What was the bang?

⚔️ Mike: no comment

🐰 Will: no comment

🔥 Max: the next morning the bedside table was on its side

⚔️ Mike: unstable

🐰 Will: rental furniture

🎲 Dustin: Category Twelve verdict: repeat offences across four states, multiple noise complaints, physical aftermath, displaced furniture and several direct admissions.

⚔️ Mike: the cabin was structural

🐰 Will: Chicago was plumbing

⚔️ Mike: Indianapolis was sleep deprivation

🐰 Will: Wisconsin was unstable furniture

🔥 Max: incredible legal work

🎲 Dustin: Guilty.

⚔️ Mike: appeal

🐰 Will: joint appeal

🎲 Dustin: Denied.

🎲 Dustin: CATEGORY THIRTEEN: TIMES EVERYONE COLLECTIVELY DECIDED NOT TO ASK.

⚔️ Mike: lack of investigation means lack of evidence

🐰 Will: this one is ours

🎲 Dustin: We’ll see.

🌼 Jane: Art studio.

🐰 Will: oh fuck

⚔️ Mike: what

🐰 Will: united front

⚔️ Mike: right

🎲 Dustin: Jane?

🌼 Jane: I went into Will’s studio looking for my charger.

🌼 Jane: Nobody was in there.

🌼 Jane: His easel had been pushed completely out of the way.

🐰 Will: creative process

⚔️ Mike: artists move things

🌼 Jane: The big painting sheet he uses to protect the floor had been dragged partly up the wall.

🔥 Max: oh

🌼 Jane: There was paint everywhere.

🐰 Will: studio

🌼 Jane: Not on the canvas.

🐰 Will: experimental studio

🌼 Jane: All over the sheet.

🌼 Jane: Smeared across it.

🌼 Jane: Handprints.

🔥 Max: OH MY GOD

⚔️ Mike: people paint with hands

🐰 Will: thank you

🌼 Jane: I got the charger and left.

🎲 Dustin: Then?

🌼 Jane: Mike and Will came downstairs about twenty minutes later.

⚔️ Mike: fully clothed

🐰 Will: important

🌼 Jane: You had put clothes on.

⚔️ Mike: that’s what fully clothed means

🌼 Jane: Mike had blue paint on his neck, his side and most of one arm.

🔥 Max: 😭

🌼 Jane: Will had paint all over his stomach underneath his crop top.

🐰 Will: I was painting

🌼 Jane: Your top stopped several inches above where the paint stopped.

🐰 Will: okay

🌼 Jane: There was paint down the backs of his legs too.

⚔️ Mike: art is messy

🌼 Jane: Mike had a yellow handprint on his hip.

🔥 Max: NOOOOOO

🏀 Lucas: Jesus.

🎲 Dustin: Did you ask?

🌼 Jane: No.

🌼 Jane: I looked at them.

🌼 Jane: Looked back toward the studio.

🌼 Jane: Decided there was no answer I wanted.

🐰 Will: sensible

⚔️ Mike: exemplary boundaries

🔥 Max: were you two fucking on the painting sheet

⚔️ Mike: no comment

🐰 Will: no comment

🔥 Max: fucking hell

🎲 Dustin: Second incident.

🌼 Jane: Actually I have another.

🐰 Will: why are you suddenly prosecution’s star witness

🌼 Jane: D&D costumes.

🎲 Dustin: What?

⚔️ Mike: no

🐰 Will: absolutely not

🎲 Dustin: WHAT D&D COSTUMES

🌼 Jane: Their Mike the Brave and Will the Wise costumes.

🎲 Dustin: I know the costumes.

🌼 Jane: I went into their room for Will’s charger.

🐰 Will: with permission

🌼 Jane: Yes.

🌼 Jane: Both costumes were scattered around the bedroom floor.

⚔️ Mike: costumes get messy

🐰 Will: they’re complicated

🌼 Jane: Mike’s paladin tunic was inside out beside the bed.

🌼 Jane: Will’s cloak was half underneath it.

🌼 Jane: Mike’s belt was on the other side of the room.

🌼 Jane: One of Will’s boots was beside the door.

🌼 Jane: The other was next to Mike’s side of the bed.

🔥 Max: oh my god

🏀 Lucas: No.

🎲 Dustin: Wait.

🌼 Jane: They’d both been hanging in Will’s studio the night before.

🐰 Will: circumstantial

⚔️ Mike: extremely

🌼 Jane: Completely.

🌼 Jane: Which is why I picked up the charger and decided not to ask.

🎲 Dustin: Were you two having sex in your D&D costumes?

⚔️ Mike: no comment

🐰 Will: no comment

🎲 Dustin: THE PALADIN AND THE WIZARD???

🔥 Max: THERE IT IS 😭😭😭

🏀 Lucas: He’s offended as a nerd.

🎲 Dustin: THOSE ARE PARTY CHARACTERS

⚔️ Mike: Mike the Brave is my character

🐰 Will: Will the Wise is mine

🎲 Dustin: THEY HAVE LORE

🐰 Will: so do we

🎲 Dustin: THAT DOES NOT HELP

🔥 Max: oh my god do you ROLEPLAY

🐰 Will: nobody said that

⚔️ Mike: absolutely nobody said that

🎲 Dustin: Are you telling me you don’t?

⚔️ Mike: no comment

🐰 Will: no comment

🎲 Dustin: JESUS CHRIST

🌼 Jane: This is why I didn’t ask.

🏀 Lucas: Correct decision.

🎲 Dustin: I disagree.

🌼 Jane: You weren’t the one standing in their bedroom.

🎲 Dustin: Fine.

🎲 Dustin: Third incident.

🏀 Lucas: The garage.

⚔️ Mike: what happened in the garage

🐰 Will: I don’t like that you don’t remember

🏀 Lucas: We were all at the Wheelers’.

🏀 Lucas: Mike and Will went into the garage because Mike wanted to show Will something he’d found in an old box.

⚔️ Mike: normal

🐰 Will: completely

🏀 Lucas: About ten minutes later there was a crash.

⚔️ Mike: boxes fall

🏀 Lucas: Then another crash.

🐰 Will: multiple boxes

🔥 Max: 😭

🏀 Lucas: Then silence.

🎲 Dustin: Did anyone check?

🏀 Lucas: I was going to.

🏀 Lucas: Then Mike yelled “NOTHING BROKE.”

⚔️ Mike: nothing did

🐰 Will: technically true

🏀 Lucas: So I stopped.

🔥 Max: why

🏀 Lucas: Because I suddenly realised that whatever explanation I got was probably going to be worse than wondering.

🌼 Jane: Sensible.

🎲 Dustin: What happened when they came back?

🏀 Lucas: Mike had dust in his hair.

⚔️ Mike: garage

🏀 Lucas: Will had it on the back of his shirt.

🐰 Will: also garage

🏀 Lucas: And there was a strip of Christmas tinsel caught around Mike’s ankle.

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

⚔️ Mike: boxes

🐰 Will: seasonal boxes

🎲 Dustin: What fell?

⚔️ Mike: no comment

🐰 Will: no comment

🏀 Lucas: See?

🎲 Dustin: Fourth incident.

🔥 Max: I’ve got one.

🐰 Will: of course you do

🔥 Max: I went upstairs one night because Will said I could watch the new episode of Hannibal with him

⚔️ Mike: oh

🐰 Will: wait

🔥 Max: Mike was already in there

⚔️ Mike: boyfriend

🐰 Will: allowed

🔥 Max: I know

🔥 Max: and at first I genuinely thought nothing of it

🎲 Dustin: What did you see?

🔥 Max: They were in bed under the comforter watching TV

🔥 Max: Will basically curled into Mike

🔥 Max: Mike had his arm around him

🔥 Max: they were doing those disgusting little kisses they do every five seconds

⚔️ Mike: affectionate

🐰 Will: loving relationship

🔥 Max: yes yes adorable whatever

🔥 Max: so I sat down

🐰 Will: I remember this now

⚔️ Mike: I don’t

🐰 Will: probably for the best

🔥 Max: TV was weirdly quiet

🔥 Max: like volume on four

🐰 Will: we were watching

🔥 Max: you were barely looking at it

⚔️ Mike: cuddling

🐰 Will: multitasking

🔥 Max: still didn’t think anything of it

🎲 Dustin: Until?

🔥 Max: Until I realised both their arms were under the comforter.

⚔️ Mike: arms are allowed under blankets

🐰 Will: warm

🔥 Max: and they were both very obviously distracted

🐰 Will: by each other

⚔️ Mike: ❤️

🔥 Max: and then I noticed there was definitely movement happening under there

🎲 Dustin: Oh.

🏀 Lucas: Oh no.

🌼 Jane: Max.

🔥 Max: NOTHING WAS OUT

🔥 Max: I didn’t see anything

🔥 Max: I did not WANT to see anything

🔥 Max: I just suddenly understood why neither of them gave a shit what Hannibal was doing

🐰 Will: we gave some shit

🔥 Max: Will you missed half the fucking episode

🐰 Will: worth it

⚔️ Mike: ❤️

🔥 Max: STOP

🎲 Dustin: And what did you do?

🔥 Max: Looked straight back at the TV.

🔥 Max: Turned the volume up.

🔥 Max: And made a conscious decision that whatever was happening under that comforter was between them and God.

🏀 Lucas: 😭😭😭

🌼 Jane: Sensible.

🎲 Dustin: You stayed?

🔥 Max: I WANTED TO WATCH HANNIBAL

🐰 Will: exactly

⚔️ Mike: she had been invited

🔥 Max: I thought they’d stop

🎲 Dustin: Did they?

🔥 Max: eventually

⚔️ Mike: see

🐰 Will: considerate

🔥 Max: NOT IMMEDIATELY

🎲 Dustin: Did anyone acknowledge what was happening?

🔥 Max: Absolutely fucking not.

🔥 Max: They kept cuddling and kissing like this was completely normal.

🐰 Will: that part WAS normal

⚔️ Mike: very normal

🔥 Max: I concentrated so hard on Hannibal Lecter that I could’ve written a dissertation on that episode

🏀 Lucas: I’m so sorry.

🔥 Max: thank you

🎲 Dustin: And you never confronted them afterwards?

🔥 Max: Why the fuck would I?

🔥 Max: I had survived.

🐰 Will: dramatic

⚔️ Mike: extremely

🔥 Max: YOU TWO WERE THE ONES BEING WEIRD

🐰 Will: in our bedroom

⚔️ Mike: under our comforter

🐰 Will: while cuddling

⚔️ Mike: with the door open because we were expecting Max

🔥 Max: THAT LAST PART MAKES IT WORSE

🐰 Will: fair

🎲 Dustin: Category Thirteen verdict.

⚔️ Mike: no actual confirmed offences

🐰 Will: important

🎲 Dustin: One art studio incident involving a displaced easel, a destroyed painting sheet and both defendants covered in strategically distributed paint.

⚔️ Mike: art

🐰 Will: art

🎲 Dustin: One discovery of Mike the Brave and Will the Wise costumes scattered around their bedroom.

🎲 Dustin: Which I personally wish had remained undiscovered.

⚔️ Mike: agreed

🐰 Will: strongly

🎲 Dustin: One garage incident where multiple objects fell and Lucas deliberately abandoned the investigation.

🏀 Lucas: Correct.

🎲 Dustin: And one incident where Max realised halfway through Hannibal that the defendants were significantly more interested in each other under the comforter than the television.

🔥 Max: traumatic

🐰 Will: you still watched the whole episode

🔥 Max: THROUGH ADVERSITY

🎲 Dustin: In every case, witnesses independently decided that asking questions would only make things worse.

⚔️ Mike: meaning you don’t know what happened

🐰 Will: reasonable doubt

⚔️ Mike: finally

🎲 Dustin: I don’t need to know.

⚔️ Mike: yes you fucking do that’s how evidence works

🐰 Will: he’s got you there

🎲 Dustin: The charge is making your friends afraid to ask.

🐰 Will: they’re not afraid

🔥 Max: I was a little afraid

🏀 Lucas: Same.

🌼 Jane: I value ignorance.

⚔️ Mike: cowards

🐰 Will: all of you

🎲 Dustin: Guilty.

⚔️ Mike: bullshit

🐰 Will: joint appeal

🎲 Dustin: Denied.

🎲 Dustin: CATEGORY FOURTEEN: EARLY RELATIONSHIP CRIME SCENES.

⚔️ Mike: absolutely not

🐰 Will: define early

🔥 Max: here comes the age defence

⚔️ Mike: because AGE IS RELEVANT

🐰 Will: we were seventeen and eighteen

⚔️ Mike: barely knew what we were doing

🏀 Lucas: You knew enough.

🐰 Will: not enough to hide it apparently

🎲 Dustin: That’s the category.

🎲 Dustin: Not that you were doing anything surprising.

🎲 Dustin: Just that neither of you had developed even basic stealth yet.

⚔️ Mike: teenagers

🐰 Will: thank you

🔥 Max: still horny bastards

⚔️ Mike: teenagers

🐰 Will: again, thank you

🎲 Dustin: First incident.

🏀 Lucas: Jonathan’s car.

🐰 Will: oh my god

⚔️ Mike: no

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

🎲 Dustin: Hawkins movie theater.

⚔️ Mike: eighteen

🐰 Will: seventeen

🎲 Dustin: You’ve said that.

⚔️ Mike: putting it on the record

🏀 Lucas: Movie finished.

🏀 Lucas: We all came out.

🏀 Lucas: Mike and Will had disappeared.

🐰 Will: could’ve been anywhere

🔥 Max: Jonathan found you

🐰 Will: unfortunately

🎲 Dustin: Where?

🏀 Lucas: Back of his car.

⚔️ Mike: technically he didn’t find us doing anything

🐰 Will: important

🔥 Max: because he opened the door and immediately SLAMMED IT SHUT

⚔️ Mike: okay

🐰 Will: yeah

🎲 Dustin: Oh my god.

🏀 Lucas: He came back over to us looking traumatised.

🔥 Max: Nancy asked what was wrong

🏀 Lucas: He just handed her the keys and said, “You drive.”

🐰 Will: 😭

⚔️ Mike: I thought he was going to kill me

🌼 Jane: He was more upset about the car.

🐰 Will: he was definitely more upset about the car

🔥 Max: then like five minutes later these two appeared

🔥 Max: both bright red

⚔️ Mike: humiliation

🐰 Will: my BROTHER

🏀 Lucas: Mike’s shirt was inside out.

⚔️ Mike: dark parking lot

🔥 Max: and Will had one of his shoes in his hand

🐰 Will: THERE WASN’T ROOM

🎲 Dustin: For your shoe?

🐰 Will: shut up

⚔️ Mike: small car

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

🎲 Dustin: What did Jonathan say?

🌼 Jane: “Never again.”

🐰 Will: concise

⚔️ Mike: fair

🌼 Jane: Will apologized.

🐰 Will: obviously

🌼 Jane: Mike apologized.

⚔️ Mike: obviously

🌼 Jane: Jonathan said, “I don’t want details.”

🐰 Will: he did not receive details

⚔️ Mike: we’ve always respected that boundary

🌼 Jane: You respected it after violating a different boundary in his back seat.

⚔️ Mike: fair

🐰 Will: fair

🎲 Dustin: Second incident. Will’s eighteenth birthday.

🐰 Will: I invoke birthday immunity

🎲 Dustin: Denied.

⚔️ Mike: Party Prince birthday immunity

🎲 Dustin: Also denied.

🌼 Jane: This one was a family dinner.

🔥 Max: oh no

🌼 Jane: Joyce and Hopper had everyone over.

🌼 Jane: Jonathan and Nancy were staying too.

🌼 Jane: We were all there late.

🐰 Will: wholesome birthday

🌼 Jane: Mostly.

⚔️ Mike: Jane

🌼 Jane: After dinner Will went upstairs.

🐰 Will: my bedroom was upstairs

🌼 Jane: Mike followed not long after.

⚔️ Mike: boyfriend

🌼 Jane: Nobody cared.

🐰 Will: THANK YOU

🌼 Jane: Because you were dating.

🌼 Jane: We all knew you were probably going to make out.

⚔️ Mike: exactly

🔥 Max: “probably”

🌼 Jane: They were gone a while.

🎲 Dustin: How long?

🌼 Jane: Long enough that Hopper noticed.

🐰 Will: oh god

⚔️ Mike: I don’t need this part

🌼 Jane: He asked where Will was.

🌼 Jane: Joyce said upstairs.

🌼 Jane: He asked where Mike was.

🌼 Jane: Nobody answered.

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

🌼 Jane: Then Hopper went quiet.

⚔️ Mike: terrifying

🐰 Will: I can picture his face

🌼 Jane: Joyce told him to leave you alone because it was your birthday.

🐰 Will: MOM ❤️

⚔️ Mike: Joyce has always been my favourite Byers-Hopper

🐰 Will: excuse me

⚔️ Mike: second favourite

🐰 Will: better

🎲 Dustin: Did anyone actually catch them?

🌼 Jane: No.

🌼 Jane: That’s the funny part.

🌼 Jane: Nancy and Jonathan were upstairs too.

🌼 Jane: So the next morning everyone was trying to work out who they’d heard.

🔥 Max: HEARD???

🐰 Will: Jane

🌼 Jane: Nothing specific.

🌼 Jane: The house was just not as quiet as the people upstairs apparently thought.

⚔️ Mike: old house

🐰 Will: thin walls

🌼 Jane: At breakfast Hopper looked at Jonathan.

🌼 Jane: Jonathan looked offended.

🌼 Jane: Nancy said, “Wasn’t us.”

🔥 Max: OH NO 😭

⚔️ Mike: traitors

🐰 Will: absolute betrayal

🌼 Jane: Then everyone looked at Mike and Will.

⚔️ Mike: circumstantial

🐰 Will: very

🌼 Jane: Mike nearly choked on his orange juice.

⚔️ Mike: I WAS EIGHTEEN

🔥 Max: there it is

🌼 Jane: Will put his face in his hands.

🐰 Will: because I was eighteen and having breakfast with my parents

🌼 Jane: Hopper just went, “Michael.”

⚔️ Mike: worst moment of my life

🐰 Will: not even top ten

⚔️ Mike: top five

🌼 Jane: Joyce told Hopper to stop.

🌼 Jane: Nancy was trying not to laugh.

🌼 Jane: Jonathan suddenly became extremely interested in his coffee.

🎲 Dustin: And Jane?

🌼 Jane: I was trying not to look at Dustin.

🎲 Dustin: Wait what

🌼 Jane: I had a crush on you.

🎲 Dustin: You had a crush on me then?

🌼 Jane: Yes.

🎲 Dustin: Holy shit.

🔥 Max: FOCUS HENDERSON

🎲 Dustin: Right.

🎲 Dustin: Sorry.

🎲 Dustin: Third incident.

🔥 Max: The basement.

⚔️ Mike: we spent our entire adolescence in that basement

🐰 Will: narrow it down

🔥 Max: Exactly.

🔥 Max: D&D night.

🔥 Max: Mike and Will were supposed to be getting drinks.

⚔️ Mike: responsible hosts

🐰 Will: hydration

🔥 Max: You were gone for twenty minutes.

⚔️ Mike: kitchen was far away

🏀 Lucas: It was directly upstairs.

🐰 Will: difficult stairs

🎲 Dustin: What happened when they came back?

🔥 Max: Will had the drinks.

🐰 Will: SEE

🔥 Max: Mike had the snacks.

⚔️ Mike: successful mission

🔥 Max: Will also had a massive hickey on his neck that had not been there twenty minutes earlier.

🐰 Will: okay

⚔️ Mike: no comment

🎲 Dustin: And?

🔥 Max: They sat down.

🔥 Max: Mike started explaining the next encounter.

🔥 Max: Like nothing had happened.

🏀 Lucas: Will kept pulling his collar up.

🐰 Will: subtle

🔥 Max: You were wearing a T-shirt.

🐰 Will: less subtle

🎲 Dustin: Did anyone say anything?

🏀 Lucas: Eventually.

🏀 Lucas: Dustin asked if Will had been attacked.

🎲 Dustin: OH YEAH

🐰 Will: you were such an asshole

🎲 Dustin: I was seventeen!

⚔️ Mike: SEE

🐰 Will: AGE DEFENCE ACCEPTED

🔥 Max: Mike went so red he couldn’t continue DMing

⚔️ Mike: I was new to this

🐰 Will: you were very proud of yourself

⚔️ Mike: privately

🐰 Will: your face wasn’t private

⚔️ Mike: fair

🎲 Dustin: Fourth incident.

🌼 Jane: Joyce’s laundry room.

🐰 Will: why does my family keep appearing

⚔️ Mike: your family had houses with rooms

🌼 Jane: They were eighteen.

⚔️ Mike: THANK YOU

🌼 Jane: I went looking for Will because Mom wanted help bringing food outside.

🐰 Will: family barbecue

🌼 Jane: Laundry room door was locked.

🔥 Max: oh my god

🌼 Jane: I knocked.

🌼 Jane: Will said, “One minute.”

🐰 Will: complete sentence

⚔️ Mike: good communication

🌼 Jane: About three minutes later Mike came out.

⚔️ Mike: could’ve been doing laundry

🌼 Jane: Without any laundry.

⚔️ Mike: could’ve been helping Will

🌼 Jane: Will came out after him.

🐰 Will: see

🌼 Jane: Carrying an empty laundry basket.

🐰 Will: prop

🔥 Max: HE ADMITS IT WAS A PROP 😭

🐰 Will: fuck

⚔️ Mike: babe

🐰 Will: seventeen-year-old courtroom strategy

🌼 Jane: I didn’t ask.

🌼 Jane: I told Will Mom needed him.

🌼 Jane: Then Mike walked directly into the doorframe.

⚔️ Mike: unrelated

🌼 Jane: Because he was looking at Will instead of where he was going.

🐰 Will: that’s actually quite sweet

🔥 Max: in context it really isn’t 😭

⚔️ Mike: I had a new boyfriend

🐰 Will: ❤️

🎲 Dustin: Category Fourteen verdict.

⚔️ Mike: youthful offenders

🐰 Will: leniency

🎲 Dustin: Honestly, yes.

🔥 Max: WHAT

🎲 Dustin: Still guilty.

🎲 Dustin: But with mitigating circumstances.

⚔️ Mike: YES

🐰 Will: we’ll take it

🎲 Dustin: You were teenagers who had finally started dating after being obsessed with each other for years.

⚔️ Mike: don’t make it sound cute during prosecution

🐰 Will: no keep going

🎲 Dustin: And apparently discovering that having a boyfriend meant you could make out with him whenever you found an unattended room.

🔥 Max: THERE it is

⚔️ Mike: accurate

🐰 Will: very

🏀 Lucas: They weren’t even good at hiding it.

⚔️ Mike: we’re better now

🔥 Max: THAT’S THE PROBLEM

🐰 Will: personal growth

🎲 Dustin: You’ve improved from “caught in Jonathan’s car” to “twelve-page investigation required.”

⚔️ Mike: exactly

🐰 Will: huge improvement

🎲 Dustin: That was not praise.

⚔️ Mike: accepted as praise

🐰 Will: same

🎲 Dustin: Guilty, but embarrassingly wholesome.

⚔️ Mike: disgusting verdict

🐰 Will: I like it

🎲 Dustin: CATEGORY FIFTEEN: WHEN THE NEXT MORNING MADE THE PREVIOUS NIGHT EVERYONE’S BUSINESS.

⚔️ Mike: much worse title

🐰 Will: ominous

🔥 Max: boat trip

⚔️ Mike: NO

🐰 Will: oh fuck

🎲 Dustin: What boat trip?

🏀 Lucas: The big summer one.

🔥 Max: Wheelers, Sinclairs, Hendersons, Byers-Hoppers, all of us.

🐰 Will: why did our parents ever agree to that

🌼 Jane: They like each other.

⚔️ Mike: unfortunate in retrospect

🎲 Dustin: How old?

🔥 Max: Eighteen.

⚔️ Mike: THERE

🐰 Will: mitigating circumstances

🎲 Dustin: Proceed.

🔥 Max: First morning.

🔥 Max: Hot day.

🔥 Max: Everyone swimming.

🏀 Lucas: Mike took his shirt off.

⚔️ Mike: swimming

🏀 Lucas: Hopper looked at him for about two seconds.

🐰 Will: oh god

🔥 Max: and went

🔥 Max: “Michael, what the hell happened to your back?”

⚔️ Mike: I can still hear it

🐰 Will: I wanted to drown

🎲 Dustin: What was on Mike’s back?

🏀 Lucas: Scratches.

🔥 Max: A LOT of scratches.

⚔️ Mike: boat

🐰 Will: boats have things

🏀 Lucas: They were very clearly fingernail scratches.

⚔️ Mike: you aren’t a forensic dermatologist

🎲 Dustin: Hopper’s reaction?

🌼 Jane: He looked at Mike.

🌼 Jane: Then he looked at Will.

🐰 Will: immediately

🌼 Jane: Immediately.

🐰 Will: rude

🌼 Jane: Dad knows what sex is.

🐰 Will: I KNOW THAT

🌼 Jane: Apparently he also knows what his son’s fingernails look capable of.

🐰 Will: JANE

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭😭

⚔️ Mike: to be fair they were pretty obvious

🐰 Will: MICHAEL

⚔️ Mike: sorry

🎲 Dustin: Did Hopper say anything to Will?

🌼 Jane: Just his name.

🌼 Jane: “Will.”

🐰 Will: WORSE THAN A SPEECH

🔥 Max: Will went completely red

🐰 Will: MY FATHER WAS LOOKING AT MY BOYFRIEND’S SCRATCHED BACK

⚔️ Mike: I was also red

🏀 Lucas: Joyce looked over.

🐰 Will: please stop

🏀 Lucas: Saw Mike’s back.

🏀 Lucas: Looked at Will.

🐰 Will: Lucas

🏀 Lucas: Then told Hopper to leave them alone.

🐰 Will: MOM ❤️

⚔️ Mike: Joyce ❤️

🌼 Jane: Dad said, “I’m not saying anything.”

🌼 Jane: Mom said, “Your face is saying plenty.”

🔥 Max: 😭

🎲 Dustin: What about Karen?

⚔️ Mike: NO

🔥 Max: she noticed like thirty seconds later

⚔️ Mike: kill me

🔥 Max: she went “Oh, Michael.”

⚔️ Mike: somehow worse

🐰 Will: I apologized to her

⚔️ Mike: YOU DID?

🐰 Will: quietly

⚔️ Mike: baby 😭

🐰 Will: I panicked

🔥 Max: Karen just patted Will’s shoulder and told him there was sunscreen in her bag

🐰 Will: she’s an angel

⚔️ Mike: agreed

🎲 Dustin: Was that all the boat-trip evidence?

🔥 Max: NO

🐰 Will: Max

🔥 Max: Will got in the water.

🐰 Will: normal swimming behaviour

🔥 Max: Wearing those tiny black swim briefs.

🐰 Will: they are swimwear

⚔️ Mike: excellent swimwear

🐰 Will: thank you baby

🎲 Dustin: Relevance?

🔥 Max: He climbed back onto the boat.

🔥 Max: And there were hickeys all over the insides of his thighs.

⚔️ Mike: oh

🐰 Will: fuck my life

🏀 Lucas: That ended the scratch debate.

🐰 Will: there wasn’t a debate

🔥 Max: Mike saw that everyone could see them and looked like he wanted to jump overboard

⚔️ Mike: there was nowhere to hide

🐰 Will: I genuinely hadn’t realised they were visible

🌼 Jane: Dad did.

🐰 Will: JANE PLEASE

🌼 Jane: He looked away very quickly.

🐰 Will: thank you Dad

🔥 Max: Joyce handed Will a towel without saying anything

🐰 Will: THANK YOU MOM

🎲 Dustin: Karen?

⚔️ Mike: stop asking about my mother

🔥 Max: Karen suddenly became extremely interested in sunscreen

⚔️ Mike: excellent

🏀 Lucas: My dad started talking to Ted about fishing.

🔥 Max: with the intensity of a hostage negotiator

🐰 Will: 😭

🌼 Jane: Ted had not noticed.

⚔️ Mike: OF COURSE HE HADN’T

🐰 Will: Ted ❤️

🎲 Dustin: So both defendants independently appeared at a family trip carrying complementary evidence.

⚔️ Mike: we were eighteen

🐰 Will: extremely eighteen

🔥 Max: that defence is actually working a little

🎲 Dustin: Next morning-after incident.

🏀 Lucas: Graduation party.

⚔️ Mike: nineteen

🐰 Will: still young

🎲 Dustin: Noted.

🏀 Lucas: Everyone stayed at the Byers-Hoppers’ because it got late.

🏀 Lucas: Mike came downstairs in the morning.

🏀 Lucas: He looked fine.

⚔️ Mike: THANK YOU

🏀 Lucas: Until he bent over to get something from the fridge.

⚔️ Mike: fuck

🏀 Lucas: His shirt rode up.

🏀 Lucas: More scratches.

🐰 Will: recurring environmental hazard

🔥 Max: WILL

🐰 Will: what

🔥 Max: you are the environmental hazard

🐰 Will: allegedly

🏀 Lucas: Dustin saw them.

🎲 Dustin: I remember.

🎲 Dustin: I said, “Jesus, Wheeler.”

⚔️ Mike: subtle

🎲 Dustin: Mike immediately pulled his shirt down.

⚔️ Mike: modest

🏀 Lucas: Then Will walked in.

🐰 Will: innocent

🎲 Dustin: I looked at Will.

🎲 Dustin: Will looked at Mike’s back.

🎲 Dustin: Will smiled.

🐰 Will: boyfriend

🎲 Dustin: Then realised why I was looking at him.

🐰 Will: unfortunate

🎲 Dustin: And stopped smiling.

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

⚔️ Mike: he was cute

🐰 Will: I was trying to be subtle

🏀 Lucas: You were nineteen and terrible at it.

🐰 Will: exactly

🎲 Dustin: Third incident. First trip without parents.

⚔️ Mike: this feels targeted

🐰 Will: because it is

🔥 Max: cabin breakfast

🐰 Will: oh

⚔️ Mike: what happened

🔥 Max: YOU don’t remember?

⚔️ Mike: apparently not

🔥 Max: Will came downstairs limping.

🐰 Will: dramatic word

🏀 Lucas: Walking gingerly.

🐰 Will: better

🎲 Dustin: Cause?

🐰 Will: no comment

🔥 Max: Mike came down behind him.

⚔️ Mike: innocent

🔥 Max: Saw how Will was walking.

🔥 Max: Immediately went, “Shit, are you okay?”

⚔️ Mike: caring boyfriend

🐰 Will: he is

🔥 Max: Will told him he was fine.

🐰 Will: because I was

🔥 Max: Mike apologized anyway.

⚔️ Mike: caring

🎲 Dustin: For what?

⚔️ Mike: no comment

🐰 Will: no comment

🏀 Lucas: Then Will kissed him and told him to stop worrying.

🐰 Will: because he was worrying

⚔️ Mike: I worry

🔥 Max: Lucas and I were trying SO HARD not to laugh

🐰 Will: horrible friends

🏀 Lucas: You were both being weirdly sweet about something we very obviously understood.

⚔️ Mike: see

⚔️ Mike: wholesome

🔥 Max: SEXUALLY WHOLESOME

🐰 Will: we’ll take it

🎲 Dustin: Fourth incident.

🌼 Jane: The bite mark.

⚔️ Mike: whose

🔥 Max: 😭

🐰 Will: again, terrible response

🌼 Jane: Will’s.

🐰 Will: okay

🌼 Jane: He came downstairs wearing a shirt buttoned all the way up.

🐰 Will: fashion

🌼 Jane: In August.

🐰 Will: committed fashion

🌼 Jane: He got hot.

🌼 Jane: Undid two buttons.

🌼 Jane: There was a bite mark just below his collarbone.

⚔️ Mike: no comment

🔥 Max: Mike saw Jane see it, didn’t he

🌼 Jane: Yes.

⚔️ Mike: unfortunate

🌼 Jane: He immediately looked at Will.

🐰 Will: and I knew

🌼 Jane: Will buttoned the shirt again.

🔥 Max: 😭

🎲 Dustin: Did anyone say anything?

🌼 Jane: I said, “Morning.”

🐰 Will: THANK YOU

🌼 Jane: Will said, “Morning.”

⚔️ Mike: civilized

🌼 Jane: Mike walked into the kitchen cupboard.

⚔️ Mike: I was distracted

🔥 Max: BY WHAT

⚔️ Mike: no comment

🐰 Will: excellent

🎲 Dustin: Fifth incident. More recent.

⚔️ Mike: wait

🐰 Will: how recent

🎲 Dustin: Last year.

⚔️ Mike: objection

🐰 Will: category is supposed to be youthful incompetence

🎲 Dustin: This is comparative evidence.

🔥 Max: oh he’s proving they haven’t changed 😭

🎲 Dustin: Exactly.

🏀 Lucas: House breakfast.

🏀 Lucas: Mike came downstairs.

🏀 Lucas: No visible marks.

⚔️ Mike: growth

🐰 Will: operational security

🏀 Lucas: Will came downstairs.

🏀 Lucas: No visible marks.

⚔️ Mike: GROWTH

🔥 Max: keep going Lucas

🏀 Lucas: Both completely normal.

🐰 Will: thank you

🏀 Lucas: Then Mike reached for Will’s coffee.

🏀 Lucas: Will slapped his hand away.

⚔️ Mike: coffee theft

🏀 Lucas: Mike said, “After everything I did for you last night?”

⚔️ Mike: oh fuck

🔥 Max: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

🐰 Will: MICHAEL

⚔️ Mike: could mean anything

🏀 Lucas: Will went bright red.

🐰 Will: betrayal by my own face

🏀 Lucas: Then Will said, “Especially after everything you did to me last night.”

⚔️ Mike: BABE

🔥 Max: NOOOOO 😭😭😭

🐰 Will: he started it

⚔️ Mike: fair

🎲 Dustin: So.

🎲 Dustin: At eighteen: scratches, hickeys, limping, bite marks, parents accidentally witnessing the aftermath.

🎲 Dustin: Now: no visible evidence whatsoever.

⚔️ Mike: exactly

🐰 Will: acquittal

🎲 Dustin: Until either of you opens your mouth.

🔥 Max: THEY GOT SNEAKIER BUT NOT SMARTER

⚔️ Mike: rude

🐰 Will: accurate

🎲 Dustin: Category Fifteen verdict: guilty with substantial historical mitigation.

⚔️ Mike: YES

🐰 Will: take the win

🎲 Dustin: You were teenagers discovering sex with the person you’d each been in love with for years.

🔥 Max: ew

🏀 Lucas: Kind of cute.

⚔️ Mike: don’t call my scratched-up back cute

🐰 Will: I can

⚔️ Mike: you absolutely can ❤️

🎲 Dustin: The early evidence is less “hardened sexual criminals” and more “two idiots who hadn’t learned turtlenecks existed.”

🐰 Will: fair

⚔️ Mike: very fair

🎲 Dustin: But the prosecution rejects the claim that you’ve meaningfully reformed.

⚔️ Mike: we’ve improved massively

🐰 Will: objectively

🔥 Max: you learned to hide hickeys

🏀 Lucas: And then started verbally confessing instead.

⚔️ Mike: nobody’s perfect

🐰 Will: personal growth isn’t linear

🎲 Dustin: Guilty.

⚔️ Mike: with mitigation

🎲 Dustin: With mitigation.

🐰 Will: WE WON ONE

🎲 Dustin: You were still found guilty.

⚔️ Mike: WITH MITIGATION

🔥 Max: let them have this 😭

🎲 Dustin: CATEGORY SIXTEEN: “WE WERE ONLY KISSING.”

🐰 Will: kissing remains legal

⚔️ Mike: important precedent

🔥 Max: nobody is prosecuting kissing

🎲 Dustin: I’m prosecuting the phrase “we were only kissing” because you’ve used it as a defence for years.

🐰 Will: because sometimes we were only kissing

⚔️ Mike: exactly

🏀 Lucas: Byers-Hopper sleepover.

🐰 Will: which one

🌼 Jane: The one Mom and Dad let us have some drinks because everyone was staying over.

🔥 Max: oh my god

⚔️ Mike: what

🔥 Max: I remember this

🌼 Jane: Mom made dinner.

🌼 Jane: We ate downstairs.

🌼 Jane: Then Mike and Will disappeared.

🐰 Will: briefly

🔥 Max: it was not brief

⚔️ Mike: we came back

🎲 Dustin: Where did you go?

🐰 Will: upstairs

🎲 Dustin: Why?

🐰 Will: privacy

🔥 Max: 😭

🎲 Dustin: Privacy for what?

🐰 Will: making out

⚔️ Mike: we were only kissing

🔥 Max: THERE IT IS

🐰 Will: because we WERE

🎲 Dustin: How long?

⚔️ Mike: don’t remember

🐰 Will: neither

🏀 Lucas: Long enough that Joyce came in and asked where you two had gone.

🌼 Jane: She knew where they’d gone.

🐰 Will: probably

⚔️ Mike: definitely

🌼 Jane: She just didn’t say anything.

🔥 Max: Joyce has always known exactly what those two are doing and simply chosen peace

🐰 Will: good parenting

🎲 Dustin: So you vanished immediately after eating dinner to go upstairs and make out.

🐰 Will: yes

⚔️ Mike: sounds worse when you phrase it like we’re defendants in a criminal trial

🎲 Dustin: You are defendants in a criminal trial.

⚔️ Mike: fake criminal trial

🏀 Lucas: What did Joyce make that night?

🌼 Jane: Lasagna.

⚔️ Mike: it was really good

🐰 Will: Mom’s lasagna is amazing

⚔️ Mike: I had like three helpings

🏀 Lucas: Well, that wasn’t the only thing Joyce made that you ate that night, was it, Mike?

⚔️ Mike: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

🐰 Will: LUCAS

🎲 Dustin: OH MY GOD

🌼 Jane: Lucas.

🔥 Max: holy FUCK

🏀 Lucas: I’m sorry

🏀 Lucas: it was right there

⚔️ Mike: I hate you

🐰 Will: that was fucking awful

🔥 Max: Lucas Sinclair I am going to kiss you so fucking hard for that

🏀 Lucas: 😌

🔥 Max: I might even suck your dick

🏀 Lucas: best joke I’ve ever made

🎲 Dustin: CAN WE PLEASE KEEP THE PROSECUTION FOCUSED ON MIKE AND WILL

🔥 Max: no ❤️

🐰 Will: for once I agree with Dustin

⚔️ Mike: same

🌼 Jane: I thought it was funny.

🐰 Will: JANE

🌼 Jane: Sorry.

🌼 Jane: It was.

⚔️ Mike: nobody in that family respects me

🐰 Will: I respect you

⚔️ Mike: thank you baby

🐰 Will: still a very funny joke though

⚔️ Mike: WILL

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

🎲 Dustin: Do I need to record the implication?

⚔️ Mike: NO

🐰 Will: absolutely not

🏀 Lucas: The court understood.

⚔️ Mike: fuck the court

🐰 Will: careful

⚔️ Mike: don’t

🐰 Will: wasn’t going to

🔥 Max: growth

🎲 Dustin: CATEGORY EIGHTEEN: D&D OFFENCES.

⚔️ Mike: no

🐰 Will: categorically no

🎲 Dustin: Oh, categorically yes.

🔥 Max: why does he sound personally wounded

🎲 Dustin: Because some things are SACRED.

⚔️ Mike: we’re talking about D&D

🎲 Dustin: EXACTLY.

🎲 Dustin: THE SACRED GAME OF DUNGEONS & DRAGONS.

🐰 Will: we’re fucked

⚔️ Mike: apparently we’ve committed blasphemy now

🎲 Dustin: You have.

🎲 Dustin: I have spent YEARS trying to maintain narrative integrity while you two apparently hear every normal D&D term and immediately make it about your sex life.

🐰 Will: not every term

⚔️ Mike: huge exaggeration

🎲 Dustin: Strength checks.

🎲 Dustin: Restraints.

🎲 Dustin: Constitution.

🎲 Dustin: Command.

🎲 Dustin: Dominate Person.

🎲 Dustin: Mage Hand.

🎲 Dustin: Long rests.

🎲 Dustin: Short rests.

🎲 Dustin: Mounted combat.

🔥 Max: MOUNTED COMBAT 😭

🐰 Will: okay that one isn’t our fault

⚔️ Mike: they named it that

🎲 Dustin: WHO IS “THEY”

⚔️ Mike: Wizards of the Coast?

🎲 Dustin: DO NOT BLAME WIZARDS OF THE COAST FOR YOUR HORNY BULLSHIT

🏀 Lucas: Strong opening from the prosecution.

🎲 Dustin: First offence.

🎲 Dustin: Constitution check.

🐰 Will: classic

🎲 Dustin: Will’s character had been poisoned.

⚔️ Mike: he failed three saves

🐰 Will: shit dice

🎲 Dustin: Mike told Will to make another Constitution saving throw.

🐰 Will: and I failed again

⚔️ Mike: catastrophically

🎲 Dustin: Mike said—

⚔️ Mike: I remember

🎲 Dustin: “Jesus Christ, baby, normally you can take a lot more than this.”

🔥 Max: MICHAEL

🐰 Will: yeah

⚔️ Mike: IT WAS ABOUT DAMAGE

🎲 Dustin: I KNOW WHAT IT WAS ABOUT.

🎲 Dustin: THAT’S WHY IT WAS SO UPSETTING.

🏀 Lucas: Nobody reacted at first.

🔥 Max: because sometimes it takes a second

🐰 Will: then everyone realised at once

⚔️ Mike: including me

🎲 Dustin: Mike put his face in his hands.

⚔️ Mike: appropriate response

🎲 Dustin: And Will could have let it die.

🐰 Will: could have

🎲 Dustin: Instead Will said, “He’s right. I usually take it really well.”

⚔️ Mike: BABY

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭😭

🐰 Will: I was talking about damage too

🎲 Dustin: NO YOU WEREN’T.

🐰 Will: technically I was

⚔️ Mike: you had that fucking look

🐰 Will: what look

⚔️ Mike: you know

🐰 Will: 😇

🎲 Dustin: Second offence.

🎲 Dustin: Restraints.

🐰 Will: broad category

🎲 Dustin: Your wizard got restrained by animated vines.

🐰 Will: right

🎲 Dustin: Mike told Will he was restrained and couldn’t move until he succeeded on the check.

⚔️ Mike: rules

🎲 Dustin: Will said, “How restrained?”

🐰 Will: reasonable question

🎲 Dustin: Mike explained.

⚔️ Mike: wrists pinned, movement zero, disadvantage

🎲 Dustin: Will looked directly at Mike and said—

🐰 Will: don’t

🎲 Dustin: “You normally make that sound a lot more fun.”

🔥 Max: OH MY GOD

⚔️ Mike: yeah that nearly killed me

🐰 Will: sorry

⚔️ Mike: you’re not

🐰 Will: no ❤️

🎲 Dustin: I asked you to stop.

🐰 Will: you did

🎲 Dustin: Mike then made it WORSE.

⚔️ Mike: accidentally

🎲 Dustin: He said, “Trust me, if I was restraining him, he’d know the difference.”

⚔️ Mike: FUCK

🔥 Max: MIKE 😭

🐰 Will: ❤️

🎲 Dustin: AND THEN WILL BIT HIS LIP.

🐰 Will: facial evidence

🏀 Lucas: Very compelling facial evidence.

🎲 Dustin: I was trying to narrate a fucking combat encounter.

🔥 Max: sacred game

🎲 Dustin: THE SACRED GAME.

🎲 Dustin: Third offence.

🏀 Lucas: Command.

🎲 Dustin: THANK YOU.

⚔️ Mike: not this again

🐰 Will: I didn’t actually do anything

🎲 Dustin: An enemy cleric cast Command on Mike’s character.

🎲 Dustin: The command was “kneel.”

🔥 Max: already dangerous

⚔️ Mike: I failed the save

🎲 Dustin: Mike moved his miniature.

🎲 Dustin: Will looked at it.

🎲 Dustin: Then looked at Mike.

🐰 Will: silently

🎲 Dustin: You were smiling.

🐰 Will: smiles aren’t illegal

🎲 Dustin: Mike said, “Don’t.”

⚔️ Mike: because I know him

🎲 Dustin: Will said, “I didn’t say anything.”

🐰 Will: true

🎲 Dustin: Then ten seconds later—

🐰 Will: Dustin

🎲 Dustin: Will said, “You do look good on your knees, though.”

⚔️ Mike: Jesus Christ

🔥 Max: WILL 😭

🐰 Will: compliment

🎲 Dustin: DURING COMBAT.

🐰 Will: there was a lull

🎲 Dustin: THERE WAS NOT A LULL.

⚔️ Mike: I appreciated it

🎲 Dustin: YOU FAILED YOUR NEXT ATTACK.

⚔️ Mike: distracted

🐰 Will: my fault ❤️

⚔️ Mike: completely

🎲 Dustin: Fourth offence.

🎲 Dustin: Dominate Person.

🔥 Max: I already know this is going to be awful

🐰 Will: probably

🎲 Dustin: Mike was DMing.

🎲 Dustin: An enemy spellcaster used Dominate Person on Will.

🐰 Will: failed wisdom save

⚔️ Mike: rare Will the Wise L

🐰 Will: fuck you

⚔️ Mike: please do

🐰 Will: 🖕

🎲 Dustin: CONTEMPT WITHIN CONTEMPT.

🔥 Max: keep going

🎲 Dustin: I made the mistake of saying, “Mike gets to control Will now.”

⚔️ Mike: oh

🐰 Will: yeah

🏀 Lucas: Instant regret.

🎲 Dustin: Mike said, “Nothing new there.”

🔥 Max: MIKE

⚔️ Mike: I WAS JOKING

🐰 Will: I laughed

🎲 Dustin: Then Will said—

🐰 Will: I remember

🎲 Dustin: “Only because I let him.”

⚔️ Mike: fuck

🔥 Max: OH MY GOD 😭

🐰 Will: important clarification

🎲 Dustin: Nobody had asked for clarification.

🐰 Will: consent matters

⚔️ Mike: he’s right

🎲 Dustin: YES, HE IS RIGHT.

🎲 Dustin: I JUST DIDN’T NEED THAT INFORMATION WHILE FIGHTING A NECROMANCER.

🌼 Jane: Fair.

🎲 Dustin: Fifth offence.

🎲 Dustin: Mage Hand.

⚔️ Mike: impossible to make filthy

🐰 Will: dangerous challenge

🎲 Dustin: Will used Mage Hand to retrieve a key.

🐰 Will: sensible wizarding

🎲 Dustin: Mike reminded him the hand could only manipulate an object within the spell’s limitations.

⚔️ Mike: yes

🎲 Dustin: Will said, “Shame. I can think of better things to do with an invisible hand.”

⚔️ Mike: babe

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

🐰 Will: I was joking

🎲 Dustin: Mike said, “Don’t put that image in my head while I’m DMing.”

⚔️ Mike: reasonable request

🎲 Dustin: Will said, “You already know what my hands can do.”

⚔️ Mike: FUCK

🐰 Will: that one may have been unnecessary

🔥 Max: MAY HAVE BEEN

🏀 Lucas: Mike stared at the same page for about thirty seconds.

⚔️ Mike: lost my place

🎲 Dustin: You were on the initiative tracker.

⚔️ Mike: still lost it

🐰 Will: sorry baby

⚔️ Mike: worth it

🎲 Dustin: IT WAS NOT WORTH IT FOR THE REST OF US.

🎲 Dustin: Sixth offence.

🔥 Max: mounted combat

🎲 Dustin: MOUNTED. FUCKING. COMBAT.

🐰 Will: not guilty

⚔️ Mike: pre-emptively

🎲 Dustin: Lucas’s paladin had acquired a warhorse.

🏀 Lucas: Great horse.

🎲 Dustin: I was explaining mounted combat rules.

🔥 Max: you brought this on yourself

🎲 Dustin: I DID NOT INVENT THE TERM.

🎲 Dustin: I said Lucas could make attacks while mounted.

🐰 Will: standard

🎲 Dustin: Mike said, “Will’s better at that than me.”

⚔️ Mike: oh fuck

🔥 Max: NOOOOOO

🐰 Will: MICHAEL 😭

🎲 Dustin: WHY.

⚔️ Mike: I DON’T KNOW

🎲 Dustin: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT.

⚔️ Mike: intrusive thought won

🐰 Will: he wasn’t wrong

⚔️ Mike: BABY

🔥 Max: WILL STOP HELPING HIM 😭

🎲 Dustin: I THREW A PENCIL AT YOU.

⚔️ Mike: violent DM

🎲 Dustin: I WASN’T EVEN DMING.

🏀 Lucas: He still threw it.

🐰 Will: worth it

🎲 Dustin: Seventh offence.

🎲 Dustin: Short rest versus long rest.

⚔️ Mike: there is no possible way

🔥 Max: stop challenging fate

🎲 Dustin: We’d been playing for hours.

🎲 Dustin: I suggested a short rest.

🐰 Will: sensible

🎲 Dustin: Mike said the party needed a long rest.

⚔️ Mike: spell slots

🎲 Dustin: Will said, “Mike always wants to go all night.”

⚔️ Mike: oh my god

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭😭

🐰 Will: I meant CAMPAIGNS

🎲 Dustin: DID YOU?

🐰 Will: initially

🏀 Lucas: “Initially” is devastating.

🎲 Dustin: Mike said, “You don’t normally complain.”

⚔️ Mike: okay that was deliberate

🐰 Will: yeah

🔥 Max: THERE WE GO

🎲 Dustin: I CLOSED MY BOOK.

⚔️ Mike: dramatic

🎲 Dustin: I SAID WE WERE TAKING TEN MINUTES.

🐰 Will: you needed to recover

🎲 Dustin: FROM YOU.

🎲 Dustin: Eighth offence.

🌼 Jane: The natural one.

🐰 Will: which natural one

⚔️ Mike: again terrible question

🎲 Dustin: Natural twenty.

🐰 Will: okay

🌼 Jane: Will rolled one on a persuasion check.

🐰 Will: excellent roll

🌼 Jane: Mike said, “Natural twenty. He’ll give you whatever you want.”

⚔️ Mike: rules

🌼 Jane: Will said, “Wish that worked on you.”

⚔️ Mike: WHAT

🔥 Max: 😭

🐰 Will: I remember now

🎲 Dustin: Mike said, “Baby, you don’t need to roll for that.”

⚔️ Mike: FUCK

🔥 Max: OH THAT’S DISGUSTINGLY SMOOTH

🐰 Will: I KNOW

⚔️ Mike: was it?

🐰 Will: yes ❤️

⚔️ Mike: nice

🎲 Dustin: STOP BEING PLEASED.

🐰 Will: impossible

🎲 Dustin: I asked whether we could PLEASE continue.

🌼 Jane: Will said yes.

🎲 Dustin: And then Mike quietly said—

⚔️ Mike: oh no

🎲 Dustin: “Roll later and I’ll let you have advantage.”

🔥 Max: MICHAEL WHEELER

🐰 Will: that was fucking hot

⚔️ Mike: thank you

🎲 Dustin: THE SACRED GAME OF DUNGEONS & DRAGONS.

🎲 Dustin: NINE.

⚔️ Mike: THERE’S NINE?

🐰 Will: we’re prolific

🎲 Dustin: DON’T SOUND PROUD.

🎲 Dustin: Grappling.

🔥 Max: doomed from the start

🎲 Dustin: Mike and Lucas were arguing about grappling rules.

🏀 Lucas: He was wrong.

⚔️ Mike: I was not

🎲 Dustin: Will wasn’t even involved.

🐰 Will: innocent bystander

🎲 Dustin: Until Mike said, “Will, back me up. I’m good at grappling.”

⚔️ Mike: I meant RULES KNOWLEDGE

🔥 Max: sure

🎲 Dustin: Will said, “You’re very good at pinning people down.”

⚔️ Mike: baby please

🐰 Will: supportive boyfriend

🎲 Dustin: Mike stopped arguing with Lucas.

🏀 Lucas: Completely.

🔥 Max: brain gone

⚔️ Mike: temporarily

🎲 Dustin: I asked Will if he meant in-game.

🐰 Will: and I very responsibly said “no comment”

🎲 Dustin: YOU WINKED.

🐰 Will: can’t prove intent

🎲 Dustin: Ten.

⚔️ Mike: TEN

🐰 Will: double digits ❤️

🎲 Dustin: Do not heart that.

🎲 Dustin: The dungeon.

🔥 Max: oh this could mean anything

🎲 Dustin: It SHOULD mean one thing.

🎲 Dustin: A DUNGEON.

⚔️ Mike: agreed

🎲 Dustin: Mike described the party entering a dungeon with chains hanging from the walls.

🐰 Will: atmosphere

🎲 Dustin: Will said, “Mike’s been researching.”

⚔️ Mike: JESUS CHRIST

🔥 Max: WILL 😭😭😭

🐰 Will: it was right there

🎲 Dustin: I told him not to.

🐰 Will: reasonable

🎲 Dustin: Mike then said, “This dungeon has fewer restraints than our bedroom.”

⚔️ Mike: fuck

🐰 Will: MICHAEL

🔥 Max: HE MADE IT WORSE

🎲 Dustin: I stood up.

⚔️ Mike: I remember

🎲 Dustin: I physically stood up from the table and walked away.

🐰 Will: you went to the kitchen

🎲 Dustin: I NEEDED WATER.

🏀 Lucas: You stood at the sink whispering “sacred game” to yourself.

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭😭

🎲 Dustin: BECAUSE IT IS.

⚔️ Mike: in my defence everyone laughed

🎲 Dustin: I DIDN’T.

🌼 Jane: You did eventually.

🎲 Dustin: Against my will.

🐰 Will: best kind of laugh

🎲 Dustin: Eleventh and final offence.

⚔️ Mike: thank god

🐰 Will: what’s left

🎲 Dustin: The one that caused me to start this category.

🔥 Max: oh shit

🎲 Dustin: Three weeks ago.

⚔️ Mike: recent evidence

🐰 Will: unfortunate

🎲 Dustin: Will’s character got knocked prone.

🐰 Will: happens

🎲 Dustin: Mike said, “You’re on your back.”

⚔️ Mike: mechanically accurate

🎲 Dustin: Will said, “My favourite.”

⚔️ Mike: BABY

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

🐰 Will: reflex

🎲 Dustin: Mike said, “Liar.”

⚔️ Mike: also reflex

🎲 Dustin: Will said, “Fine. Depends what you’re doing.”

⚔️ Mike: Jesus

🏀 Lucas: That was where Dustin put his head on the table.

🎲 Dustin: I HAD HAD ENOUGH.

🐰 Will: we stopped

🎲 Dustin: NO YOU DIDN’T.

🎲 Dustin: Mike said, “Don’t start something you can’t finish.”

⚔️ Mike: flirting

🎲 Dustin: Will said, “I can always finish.”

🔥 Max: FUCKING HELL WILL

🐰 Will: 😇

⚔️ Mike: I love you so much

🐰 Will: love you too

🎲 Dustin: I SAID SACRED GAME.

⚔️ Mike: you did

🎲 Dustin: THREE TIMES.

🐰 Will: you were distressed

🎲 Dustin: THEN MIKE SAID—

⚔️ Mike: Dustin

🎲 Dustin: “Baby, if you keep talking like that we’re not finishing this session.”

🔥 Max: NOOOOOO 😭😭😭

🏀 Lucas: And we didn’t.

🎲 Dustin: WE DID NOT.

🐰 Will: technically not our fault

🎲 Dustin: YOU TWO LEFT.

⚔️ Mike: campaign had reached a natural stopping point

🎲 Dustin: WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF INITIATIVE.

🐰 Will: less natural

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

🎲 Dustin: Category Eighteen verdict.

🎲 Dustin: Guilty of desecrating the sacred game of Dungeons & Dragons with your relentless sexual innuendo.

⚔️ Mike: objection to “desecrating”

🐰 Will: we enhance the experience

🎲 Dustin: YOU DO NOT.

🏀 Lucas: Sometimes it’s funny.

🎲 Dustin: Lucas.

🏀 Lucas: Sorry.

🔥 Max: mounted combat was fucking funny

🎲 Dustin: MAX.

🔥 Max: sorry

🌼 Jane: The dungeon was funny.

🎲 Dustin: JANE.

🌼 Jane: Sorry.

⚔️ Mike: unanimous jury support

🐰 Will: acquittal

🎲 Dustin: NO.

🎲 Dustin: Mike Wheeler, Dungeon Master, repeatedly abandons narrative dignity the second his boyfriend says something suggestive.

⚔️ Mike: fair

🎲 Dustin: William Byers-Hopper deliberately weaponizes D&D terminology because he enjoys watching Mike forget how to DM.

🐰 Will: fair

⚔️ Mike: he is very good at it

🐰 Will: thank you baby

🎲 Dustin: And neither of you has improved with age.

🔥 Max: honestly they’ve got worse

🏀 Lucas: More confident.

🌼 Jane: Less shame.

⚔️ Mike: we’re comfortable with ourselves

🐰 Will: beautiful really

🎲 Dustin: IT IS NOT BEAUTIFUL.

🎲 Dustin: IT IS DUNGEONS & DRAGONS.

🐰 Will: sacred game?

🎲 Dustin: THE SACRED FUCKING GAME.

⚔️ Mike: putting “fucking” in there feels hypocritical

🎲 Dustin: CATEGORY NINETEEN: COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS.

⚔️ Mike: oh fuck off

🐰 Will: haven’t you done enough

🎲 Dustin: No, because you two have spent this entire investigation insisting everybody else does the same shit.

⚔️ Mike: because they DO

🐰 Will: thank you

🎲 Dustin: So I’m checking.

🔥 Max: oh this should be good

🏀 Lucas: How thorough are we talking?

🎲 Dustin: Not eighteen more full categories.

⚔️ Mike: coward

🎲 Dustin: I’ve been getting on you two all night. I’m doing this quickly.

🐰 Will: “quickly”

🎲 Dustin: Lucas and Max first.

🔥 Max: go ahead

🎲 Dustin: Walk-ins.

🎲 Dustin: Guilty.

🔥 Max: yeah

🏀 Lucas: A few.

⚔️ Mike: HA

🐰 Will: excellent start

🎲 Dustin: Being heard.

🎲 Dustin: Very guilty.

🔥 Max: fair

🏀 Lucas: Unfortunately.

🎲 Dustin: Actually, this is probably your biggest problem.

🔥 Max: we’re not that bad

🎲 Dustin: You get heard way more often than you get walked in on.

🏀 Lucas: Because we lock the door.

🔥 Max: and use our bedroom

⚔️ Mike: congratulations

🐰 Will: incredible achievement

🎲 Dustin: I’m not congratulating them.

🎲 Dustin: I’m comparing.

🎲 Dustin: Usually bedroom.

🎲 Dustin: Usually door locked.

🎲 Dustin: Usually late at night or first thing in the morning.

🔥 Max: see

🎲 Dustin: Still loud enough that the rest of us know what you’re doing.

🔥 Max: there it is

🌼 Jane: I’ve gone downstairs before.

🔥 Max: sorry

🌼 Jane: It’s okay.

🌼 Jane: You were having a nice morning.

🏀 Lucas: that’s weirdly sweet

🔥 Max: ❤️

🎲 Dustin: See, that actually helps them.

⚔️ Mike: HOW

🎲 Dustin: Jane was already awake.

🎲 Dustin: I was asleep right next to her and they didn’t wake me up.

🌼 Jane: You’re a deep sleeper.

🎲 Dustin: Doesn’t matter.

🐰 Will: seems extremely relevant

🎲 Dustin: They didn’t wake me up.

🎲 Dustin: Jane happened to be awake, realized what she could hear and went downstairs.

🌼 Jane: Yes.

🎲 Dustin: Proof.

⚔️ Mike: proof that you sleep like the dead

🔥 Max: 😭

🎲 Dustin: Proof that there’s a difference between audible and waking up the entire fucking house.

🏀 Lucas: I’ll take it.

🔥 Max: same

🎲 Dustin: Sometimes somebody hears Lucas and Max and thinks for fuck’s sake.

🎲 Dustin: Sometimes somebody puts headphones on.

🎲 Dustin: Sometimes somebody goes downstairs for coffee.

🔥 Max: sorry again

🎲 Dustin: Still guilty.

🎲 Dustin: Just generally better contained.

🐰 Will: contained sounds horrible

⚔️ Mike: like they’re zoo animals

🔥 Max: we’re apparently responsible zoo animals

🏀 Lucas: door locked on the enclosure

🎲 Dustin: Moving on.

🎲 Dustin: Thinking nobody was home.

🎲 Dustin: Guilty.

🔥 Max: yep

🏀 Lucas: yep

🎲 Dustin: Wrong-chat sexual messages.

🎲 Dustin: Not guilty.

⚔️ Mike: they say filthy shit in here constantly

🎲 Dustin: On purpose.

🔥 Max: exactly

🎲 Dustin: Max told Lucas earlier that she might suck his dick because he made a good joke.

🔥 Max: great joke

🏀 Lucas: best joke I’ve ever made

🔥 Max: 😏

🎲 Dustin: But she meant to send that here.

🐰 Will: somehow worse

🔥 Max: somehow not the charge

🎲 Dustin: Actual private messages apparently reach Lucas.

🏀 Lucas: they do

🔥 Max: because I check who I’m texting

⚔️ Mike: fuck you

🎲 Dustin: Wrong-chat photos.

🎲 Dustin: Also not guilty.

🏀 Lucas: Thank you.

🎲 Dustin: Although both of you use the group chat to thirst trap each other.

🔥 Max: oh please

🎲 Dustin: Lucas’s gym pictures.

🏀 Lucas: Progress photos.

🎲 Dustin: Shirtless progress photos.

🏀 Lucas: I’m tracking progress.

🎲 Dustin: While sweaty.

🏀 Lucas: Usually when I’ve just finished training.

🎲 Dustin: Under suspiciously good lighting.

🔥 Max: he’s got you there

🏀 Lucas: Do you want me to stop sending them?

🔥 Max: absolutely not

🏀 Lucas: thought so

🎲 Dustin: And Max does the same thing on vacation.

🔥 Max: those are normal pictures

🌼 Jane: Your hair is always down in the beach ones.

🔥 Max: not always

🌼 Jane: You usually tie it back at the beach because you hate it blowing in your face.

🔥 Max: maybe I want to look nice in photos

🏀 Lucas: You do.

🔥 Max: thank you ❤️

🏀 Lucas: I like it tied back too.

🔥 Max: I know.

🎲 Dustin: Everyone knows those pictures are for Lucas.

🔥 Max: maybe a little

🎲 Dustin: But the actually private ones stay private.

🔥 Max: obviously

🏀 Lucas: yes

🎲 Dustin: So not guilty of the thing Mike and Will were actually charged with.

⚔️ Mike: technicality

🐰 Will: hate this court

🎲 Dustin: Publicly being horny for each other.

🎲 Dustin: Lucas and Max might actually be worse.

⚔️ Mike: YES

🐰 Will: FUCKING FINALLY

🔥 Max: 😌

🏀 Lucas: She’s hot.

🎲 Dustin: Max gives Lucas the eye from across rooms.

🔥 Max: because he knows what it means

🏀 Lucas: immediately

🎲 Dustin: Lucas stares at Max like everybody else disappeared.

🏀 Lucas: Again.

🏀 Lucas: She’s hot.

🔥 Max: ❤️

🎲 Dustin: Max sits in his lap.

🎲 Dustin: Lucas always has a hand on her somewhere.

🎲 Dustin: They’ll openly flirt in front of everybody for HOURS.

🔥 Max: sounds fun

🎲 Dustin: It is apparently very fun for you.

🔥 Max: extremely

🎲 Dustin: And somehow they can do all of that and still wait.

⚔️ Mike: bizarre

🐰 Will: couldn’t be us

🎲 Dustin: WE KNOW.

🎲 Dustin: They might disappear for ten minutes.

🔥 Max: maybe

🎲 Dustin: Usually to make out.

🏀 Lucas: allegedly

🎲 Dustin: Then they come back and keep participating like normal people.

🔥 Max: because we know we’re going home together

🏀 Lucas: exactly

🔥 Max: I can want him for three hours without needing to immediately do anything about it.

🏀 Lucas: And I enjoy those three hours.

🔥 Max: I know 😏

🎲 Dustin: This is what I’m talking about.

🎲 Dustin: Suspicious disappearances: guilty.

🎲 Dustin: “Only kissing”: very guilty.

🔥 Max: absolutely

🏀 Lucas: Technically accurate most of the time.

🐰 Will: THANK YOU

⚔️ Mike: precedent

🎲 Dustin: Saying things in front of everybody that should have stayed private thoughts.

🎲 Dustin: Max wins.

🔥 Max: 🏆

🏀 Lucas: Easily.

🎲 Dustin: Lucas isn’t much better.

🏀 Lucas: Never claimed to be.

🎲 Dustin: Holiday incidents: guilty.

🔥 Max: sure

🎲 Dustin: Historical incidents: obviously guilty. You’ve been together nearly ten years.

🏀 Lucas: Fair.

🎲 Dustin: D&D offences.

🔥 Max: Mike and Will.

🏀 Lucas: Mike and Will.

🎲 Dustin: Mike and Will and it isn’t fucking close.

🐰 Will: specialist field

⚔️ Mike: unfair category

🎲 Dustin: You made mounted combat sexual.

🐰 Will: they named it that

🎲 Dustin: Don’t start.

🔥 Max: 😭

🎲 Dustin: So overall.

🎲 Dustin: Lucas and Max are horny as fuck.

🔥 Max: accurate

🏀 Lucas: yep

🎲 Dustin: Probably more openly suggestive than Mike and Will.

🔥 Max: thank you

🎲 Dustin: That was not praise.

🔥 Max: still taking it

🎲 Dustin: They get heard plenty.

🏀 Lucas: unfortunately

🎲 Dustin: They sneak off.

🔥 Max: allegedly

🎲 Dustin: They openly thirst trap each other.

🏀 Lucas: progress photos

🎲 Dustin: Stop saying progress photos.

🎲 Dustin: But actual private shit generally stays private.

🔥 Max: that’s the goal

🎲 Dustin: They can spend an entire night obviously wanting each other and wait until everybody’s going home.

🏀 Lucas: anticipation.

🔥 Max: big fan

🎲 Dustin: Their main advantage over Mike and Will is apparently patience and basic phone literacy.

⚔️ Mike: fuck you

🐰 Will: deeply biased conclusion

🎲 Dustin: Mike and Will have more variety.

⚔️ Mike: range

🐰 Will: we’ve established range sounds good

🎲 Dustin: It isn’t good.

🎲 Dustin: Lucas and Max are guilty of a lot of the same things.

🎲 Dustin: You two have just somehow managed to get caught doing almost every possible version of them.

🔥 Max: he’s got a point

⚔️ Mike: no he doesn’t

🐰 Will: absolutely not

🎲 Dustin: Which leaves me and Jane.

🌼 Jane: Okay.

🎲 Dustin: I’m handing this part over to Max.

⚔️ Mike: WHAT

🐰 Will: why Max

🎲 Dustin: Because I’m not grading my own relationship.

🔥 Max: Fair.

🎲 Dustin: And this one should be short.

🔥 Max: Probably.

🎲 Dustin: Better.

⚔️ Mike: why does she sound like she knows something

🔥 Max: I know Jane.

🌼 Jane: Very well.

🎲 Dustin: Which is why I picked her.

🔥 Max: Also, before anybody gets too excited, I’m not telling you things Jane’s told me privately.

🌼 Jane: Good.

🔥 Max: She’s my best friend.

🔥 Max: I know things about their relationship because we talk.

🔥 Max: Those things are staying private.

🎲 Dustin: Thank you.

🔥 Max: I’m using things everybody could’ve noticed if any of you paid attention.

🐰 Will: ominous

🔥 Max: It’s really not.

🔥 Max: Easy stuff first.

🔥 Max: Being heard: sometimes.

🎲 Dustin: Fine.

🌼 Jane: That’s accurate.

🔥 Max: Wrong-chat sexts: zero.

🎲 Dustin: Because we can read.

🌼 Jane: Yes.

🔥 Max: Wrong-chat photos: zero.

🎲 Dustin: Again.

🎲 Dustin: Reading.

🌼 Jane: Very useful skill.

⚔️ Mike: fuck both of you

🔥 Max: Trips: some incidents.

🎲 Dustin: Everybody has vacation sex.

⚔️ Mike: THANK YOU

🐰 Will: FINALLY

🎲 Dustin: I regret saying that immediately.

🔥 Max: And generally, they are actually really good at privacy.

🎲 Dustin: Thank you.

🌼 Jane: We like privacy.

🔥 Max: Which is why I think everybody has them slightly wrong.

🎲 Dustin: How?

🔥 Max: Everybody knows you’re into each other.

🌼 Jane: Obviously.

🔥 Max: Nobody thinks you’re innocent.

🎲 Dustin: Good.

🔥 Max: Nobody thinks you don’t have sex.

🌼 Jane: We do.

🎲 Dustin: Jane.

🌼 Jane: What?

🔥 Max: 😭

🔥 Max: Exactly.

🔥 Max: They’re always kissing.

🎲 Dustin: Yes.

🔥 Max: Always cuddling.

🌼 Jane: I like cuddling him.

🎲 Dustin: I like cuddling her.

🔥 Max: Jane sits on Dustin’s lap.

🌼 Jane: Yes.

🔥 Max: Dustin grabs Jane around the waist every chance he gets.

🎲 Dustin: Not every chance.

🌼 Jane: Most chances.

🎲 Dustin: You like it.

🌼 Jane: I do.

🔥 Max: So nobody is looking at them and thinking they’re sexless.

🏀 Lucas: Definitely not.

🐰 Will: no

🔥 Max: We just all somehow assumed they’re the most vanilla.

🌼 Jane: Which we have never said.

🎲 Dustin: Ever.

🔥 Max: I know.

🌼 Jane: You all decided that yourselves.

🔥 Max: Yes.

🌼 Jane: Then that’s your mistake.

🔥 Max: Also yes.

🎲 Dustin: Strong defense, baby.

🌼 Jane: Thank you.

🔥 Max: Dustin being horny for Jane is pretty obvious.

🎲 Dustin: She’s my girlfriend.

🌼 Jane: Yes.

🎲 Dustin: She’s beautiful.

🌼 Jane: 😊

🔥 Max: He looks at her ass.

🎲 Dustin: Max.

🌼 Jane: He does.

🎲 Dustin: JANE.

🌼 Jane: I like when you do.

🎲 Dustin: Okay.

🎲 Dustin: Never mind.

🔥 Max: He gets distracted when she dresses up.

🏀 Lucas: definitely

🔥 Max: Jane walks downstairs looking particularly good and suddenly Dustin has seventeen things to say.

🎲 Dustin: I usually have seventeen things to say.

🌼 Jane: You talk faster.

🎲 Dustin: I always talk fast.

🌼 Jane: Faster.

🔥 Max: He once walked into the coffee table because Jane came downstairs in that green dress.

🎲 Dustin: The coffee table sticks out.

🏀 Lucas: It’s been there for two years.

🎲 Dustin: Still badly positioned.

🌼 Jane: I liked that.

🎲 Dustin: Me injuring myself?

🌼 Jane: No.

🌼 Jane: You looking at me.

🎲 Dustin: Oh.

🌼 Jane: You were cute.

🎲 Dustin: 😊

⚔️ Mike: disgusting

🐰 Will: says you

🔥 Max: None of that surprises anybody.

🎲 Dustin: Okay.

🔥 Max: The part everybody has underestimated is Jane.

🌼 Jane: Probably.

🎲 Dustin: Really?

🔥 Max: Absolutely.

🔥 Max: Because Jane doesn’t really openly flirt.

🌼 Jane: Not much.

🔥 Max: She doesn’t sit there making filthy comments at Dustin for three hours.

🌼 Jane: I don’t see the point.

🔥 Max: She doesn’t spend an entire party giving him the eye.

🌼 Jane: Sometimes I do.

🔥 Max: You do, but it’s so subtle he usually doesn’t notice.

🎲 Dustin: I notice.

🌼 Jane: Not always.

🎲 Dustin: Oh.

🔥 Max: Jane’s version is different.

🔥 Max: We’ll all be doing something.

🔥 Max: She gets quieter.

🌼 Jane: Sometimes.

🔥 Max: Then five minutes later she gets up.

🔥 Max: Walks over to Dustin.

🔥 Max: Takes his hand.

🔥 Max: And they leave.

🎲 Dustin: Oh.

🌼 Jane: Yes.

🏀 Lucas: I’ve noticed that.

🐰 Will: WAIT

⚔️ Mike: THAT’S WHAT THAT IS?

🌼 Jane: Usually.

🎲 Dustin: Baby.

🌼 Jane: What?

🎲 Dustin: Nothing.

🎲 Dustin: I’m having a nice time.

🔥 Max: That’s basically Jane’s version of openly flirting.

🌼 Jane: I don’t like doing that in front of everybody.

🔥 Max: Exactly.

🌼 Jane: If I want him, I can just tell him.

🎲 Dustin: You can.

🌼 Jane: Or take him with me.

🎲 Dustin: Also good.

⚔️ Mike: HOW ARE THEY MAKING THIS SOUND WHOLESOME

🐰 Will: we got convicted for disappearing

⚔️ Mike: they’re apparently going for a romantic fucking walk

🔥 Max: Nobody said they’re going for a walk.

⚔️ Mike: THERE.

🐰 Will: THANK YOU.

🔥 Max: The funny thing is Jane can be sitting there looking completely normal while apparently being incredibly horny.

🌼 Jane: Yes.

🎲 Dustin: Apparently?

🔥 Max: You want to explain?

🌼 Jane: I’m horny a lot when I’m around him.

🎲 Dustin: What?

🌼 Jane: You know that.

🎲 Dustin: I know you want me.

🌼 Jane: Yes.

🎲 Dustin: I didn’t know we were defining “a lot.”

🌼 Jane: Probably half the time.

🎲 Dustin: HALF?

🌼 Jane: Approximately.

⚔️ Mike: WHAT

🐰 Will: JANE

🌼 Jane: What?

🔥 Max: See.

🔥 Max: THIS is what I mean.

🌼 Jane: I’m just not going to behave like an animal about it.

⚔️ Mike: HEY

🐰 Will: that felt targeted

🌼 Jane: It was.

🎲 Dustin: So you’re just walking around horny for me half the day?

🌼 Jane: Not every day.

🎲 Dustin: Right.

🌼 Jane: Some days more.

🎲 Dustin: Jesus Christ.

🏀 Lucas: Henderson’s never recovering.

🎲 Dustin: I don’t want to recover.

🔥 Max: And that’s the difference.

🔥 Max: Dustin is obvious.

🎲 Dustin: Apparently.

🔥 Max: Jane is just as bad internally and doesn’t broadcast it.

🌼 Jane: Correct.

🔥 Max: Which brings me to one of the weirdest things I’ve ever heard Jane say.

🌼 Jane: Which one?

🔥 Max: Dustin’s body hair.

🎲 Dustin: Oh god.

⚔️ Mike: WHAT ABOUT HIS BODY HAIR

🎲 Dustin: Nothing.

🌼 Jane: I like it.

🔥 Max: Understatement.

🎲 Dustin: What do you mean understatement?

🔥 Max: Dustin was complaining about shaving.

🎲 Dustin: Because I hate shaving.

🌼 Jane: I know.

🔥 Max: Jane told him not to bother because she likes him hairy.

🌼 Jane: I do.

🎲 Dustin: That part I remember.

🔥 Max: Then Dustin left the room.

🎲 Dustin: Oh no.

🔥 Max: And Jane said she was jealous of his body hair.

⚔️ Mike: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

🐰 Will: I remember this

🌼 Jane: It’s always touching him.

🎲 Dustin: …

🔥 Max: THERE IT IS.

🌼 Jane: What?

🌼 Jane: It gets to be against him all day.

🎲 Dustin: Baby.

🌼 Jane: I was jealous.

🐰 Will: I remember asking if she was okay

🌼 Jane: I was fine.

⚔️ Mike: that’s one of the horniest things anybody has said in this entire investigation

🌼 Jane: No, it isn’t.

⚔️ Mike: YOU WERE JEALOUS OF HIS OWN BODY HAIR FOR TOUCHING HIM

🌼 Jane: Yes.

⚔️ Mike: JANE.

🌼 Jane: What?

🎲 Dustin: Nobody discourage her.

🔥 Max: Look at him.

🎲 Dustin: My girlfriend is jealous of my own body hair.

🌼 Jane: Not all of it.

🎲 Dustin: Okay.

🎲 Dustin: Fantastic.

🔥 Max: And this is why I think everybody underestimated her.

🔥 Max: Not because anybody thinks it’s weird that Jane’s attracted to Dustin.

🌼 Jane: It isn’t.

🔥 Max: Obviously.

🔥 Max: But Dustin isn’t exactly the guy Hawkins collectively decided was going to grow up into some huge heartthrob.

🎲 Dustin: Painfully aware.

🌼 Jane: Hawkins is stupid.

🎲 Dustin: Baby.

🌼 Jane: It is.

🔥 Max: Jane has very strong opinions about that.

🌼 Jane: Yes.

🔥 Max: Private opinions.

🌼 Jane: Yes.

🔥 Max: Staying private.

🎲 Dustin: Suddenly I want access to these opinions.

🌼 Jane: You can have access.

🎲 Dustin: Excellent.

🔥 Max: But the point is Jane does not merely think Dustin is cute.

🌼 Jane: No.

🎲 Dustin: Oh?

🔥 Max: She doesn’t merely think he’s handsome.

🌼 Jane: No.

🎲 Dustin: Oh.

🔥 Max: She looks at him like he’s the hottest person Hawkins has ever produced.

🎲 Dustin: Come on.

🌼 Jane: He is to me.

🎲 Dustin: Jane.

🌼 Jane: What?

🎲 Dustin: Nothing.

🎲 Dustin: That was nice.

🌼 Jane: It’s true.

🏀 Lucas: Good for you, man.

🎲 Dustin: Thanks.

⚔️ Mike: how the FUCK is this his prosecution

🐰 Will: THIS IS WHAT I’M SAYING

⚔️ Mike: I got called a rabid dog

🐰 Will: I got horny bunny entered into the record

⚔️ Mike: Dustin gets told his girlfriend thinks he’s the hottest guy in Hawkins

🎲 Dustin: Sounds like Category Nineteen is going great.

⚔️ Mike: FUCK YOU

🔥 Max: Don’t get too comfortable.

🎲 Dustin: Why?

🔥 Max: Because there is one area where you two absolutely fucking destroy your nice clean record.

🎲 Dustin: No there isn’t.

🌼 Jane: Halloween.

🎲 Dustin: Oh fuck.

⚔️ Mike: WAIT

⚔️ Mike: Halloween?

🔥 Max: Suspicious disappearances.

🎲 Dustin: Usually low.

🔥 Max: Usually.

🌼 Jane: Not zero.

🎲 Dustin: Normal amount.

🔥 Max: You two do disappear sometimes.

🌼 Jane: Usually because I want him.

🎲 Dustin: 😊

⚔️ Mike: there it is again

🔥 Max: And normally Jane does her little hand thing and they quietly go somewhere private.

🎲 Dustin: Very responsible.

🔥 Max: Except Halloween.

⚔️ Mike: I remember Halloween.

🐰 Will: what happened on Halloween

⚔️ Mike: Was this the party where Jane had that huge medieval dress?

🌼 Jane: Yes.

🎲 Dustin: It was a very nice dress.

🔥 Max: Dustin liked the dress.

🎲 Dustin: Everybody liked the dress.

🌼 Jane: You liked it more than everybody else.

🎲 Dustin: Well.

🎲 Dustin: Yeah.

🔥 Max: You two disappeared for about twenty minutes.

🌼 Jane: Probably.

🎲 Dustin: I don’t remember the exact time.

🔥 Max: Mike does.

⚔️ Mike: I wasn’t TIMING THEM.

🐰 Will: What happened?

⚔️ Mike: I needed the bathroom.

🎲 Dustin: There were two bathrooms.

⚔️ Mike: I KNOW THAT NOW.

🔥 Max: 😭

⚔️ Mike: I tried the downstairs one first.

⚔️ Mike: Door wasn’t locked.

🎲 Dustin: Yep.

🌼 Jane: That was our mistake.

🎲 Dustin: Huge mistake.

⚔️ Mike: So I opened it.

⚔️ Mike: And Jane was basically perched against the window ledge with about twelve miles of medieval skirt everywhere.

🌼 Jane: It was a big skirt.

⚔️ Mike: And Dustin was—

🎲 Dustin: Mike.

⚔️ Mike: UNDER THE FUCKING SKIRT.

🐰 Will: WHAT

🏀 Lucas: NO

🔥 Max: THERE IT IS

🎲 Dustin: I hate this category.

🌼 Jane: You liked Halloween.

🎲 Dustin: I liked Halloween BEFORE THIS TRIAL.

⚔️ Mike: I couldn’t even SEE Dustin at first.

🔥 Max: 😭😭😭

⚔️ Mike: I genuinely had this half-second where I was like why is Jane sitting like that and where the fuck is Dustin

🎲 Dustin: Please stop.

⚔️ Mike: AND THEN I REALIZED THE SKIRT HAD A DUSTIN IN IT.

🐰 Will: THE SKIRT HAD A DUSTIN IN IT 😭

🏀 Lucas: Jesus Christ.

🌼 Jane: That’s quite funny.

🎲 Dustin: Do not encourage him.

🔥 Max: Jane, what did you do?

🌼 Jane: I told him to close the door.

⚔️ Mike: Eventually.

🌼 Jane: I was distracted.

🎲 Dustin: Jane.

🌼 Jane: I was.

⚔️ Mike: THAT was the worst part.

🐰 Will: I don’t want to hear the worst part.

⚔️ Mike: She’s your sister. I definitely don’t want to tell you the worst part.

🐰 Will: THANK YOU.

⚔️ Mike: I’m just saying she looked at me like I was the one being fucking inconvenient.

🌼 Jane: You were.

⚔️ Mike: IT WAS A BATHROOM.

🌼 Jane: We were using it.

⚔️ Mike: NOT FOR ITS INTENDED PURPOSE.

🎲 Dustin: Technically we were using part of it.

🔥 Max: Dustin, don’t.

🎲 Dustin: Fine.

🔥 Max: How fast did you close the door?

⚔️ Mike: Faster than I’ve ever moved in my life.

🐰 Will: good

⚔️ Mike: Then I stood in the hallway questioning every decision that had led me there.

🎲 Dustin: You could’ve knocked.

⚔️ Mike: YOU COULD’VE LOCKED IT.

🌼 Jane: He’s right.

🎲 Dustin: I know he’s right.

🔥 Max: Oh, this is catastrophic.

🎲 Dustin: It’s one incident.

🔥 Max: It’s an incredible incident.

🏀 Lucas: Quality over quantity.

🎲 Dustin: Don’t encourage her.

🔥 Max: You’ve spent this entire trial counting Mike and Will disappearing at parties.

⚔️ Mike: EXACTLY

🐰 Will: JUSTICE

🔥 Max: You and Jane disappeared from a Halloween party.

🔥 Max: Took over a bathroom.

🔥 Max: Forgot to lock the door.

🔥 Max: And Mike found Dustin completely concealed by Jane’s costume.

⚔️ Mike: I will never look at a giant skirt the same way again.

🌼 Jane: It was convenient.

🎲 Dustin: BABY.

🌼 Jane: It was.

🔥 Max: OH MY GOD.

🐰 Will: JANE

🌼 Jane: What?

🌼 Jane: I liked the dress.

🎲 Dustin: So did I.

🔥 Max: WE KNOW.

⚔️ Mike: APPARENTLY HE LIKED THE FUCKING ARCHITECTURE

🎲 Dustin: Fuck you.

🔥 Max: So.

🔥 Max: Suspicious disappearances?

🔥 Max: Usually pretty restrained.

🔥 Max: One astronomical failure.

🎲 Dustin: Fine.

🌼 Jane: That’s fair.

🔥 Max: Walk-ins?

🔥 Max: Almost spotless.

🔥 Max: Same astronomical failure.

🎲 Dustin: You’re charging the same incident twice.

🔥 Max: You did that to Mike and Will all night.

⚔️ Mike: GET HIM

🐰 Will: MAX MAYFIELD I HAVE NEVER RESPECTED YOU MORE

🎲 Dustin: Different elements of the offense.

🔥 Max: Exactly.

🎲 Dustin: I walked into that.

🌼 Jane: Like Mike did.

🎲 Dustin: Wow.

🌼 Jane: Sorry ❤️

🎲 Dustin: It’s okay ❤️

⚔️ Mike: STOP BEING CUTE ABOUT THE TIME I WALKED IN ON YOU

🔥 Max: But that’s basically their entire thing.

🔥 Max: Dustin and Jane aren’t less horny than everybody else.

🌼 Jane: Definitely not.

🔥 Max: They aren’t pretending to be innocent.

🎲 Dustin: Never have.

🔥 Max: And they’re probably nowhere near as vanilla as everybody assumed.

🌼 Jane: We’re not.

🎲 Dustin: Baby.

🌼 Jane: Still not giving details.

🎲 Dustin: Fair.

🔥 Max: Dustin being horny for Jane is exactly as predictable as you’d expect.

🎲 Dustin: She’s hot.

🌼 Jane: 😊

🔥 Max: Jane being horny for Dustin is the part everybody somehow underestimated.

🌼 Jane: Very much.

🎲 Dustin: 😊

🔥 Max: She can apparently spend half the day wanting him while looking completely normal.

🌼 Jane: Approximately half.

🎲 Dustin: Still stuck on that.

🔥 Max: She’s jealous of his own body hair for touching him.

🌼 Jane: Sometimes.

🎲 Dustin: Still stuck on that too.

🔥 Max: And instead of flirting about it for hours, she quietly takes his hand and removes him from the room.

🌼 Jane: Efficient.

🎲 Dustin: I love you.

🌼 Jane: I love you too.

🔥 Max: They’re annoyingly good at keeping their sex life private.

🔥 Max: Right up until Jane puts on a medieval dress and they both forget doors have locks.

🎲 Dustin: In my defense, you should’ve seen her.

🌼 Jane: 😊

⚔️ Mike: THIS IS BULLSHIT

🐰 Will: HOW IS THEIR VERDICT STILL CUTE

⚔️ Mike: THEY’RE JUST AS HORNY AS US

🌼 Jane: Yes.

🐰 Will: SHE ADMITTED SHE’S HORNY AROUND HIM HALF THE DAY

🌼 Jane: Approximately.

⚔️ Mike: AND SHE WAS JEALOUS OF HIS BODY HAIR

🌼 Jane: Yes.

🐰 Will: AND MIKE FOUND DUSTIN UNDER HER FUCKING HALLOWEEN COSTUME

🎲 Dustin: One statistical outlier.

🔥 Max: Astronomical statistical outlier.

🎲 Dustin: Fine.

🔥 Max: Final comparison.

🔥 Max: Lucas and I are horny and obvious about it, but we usually have enough patience to wait until later.

🏀 Lucas: Accurate.

🔥 Max: Dustin and Jane are just as horny, way quieter about it and generally much better at privacy.

🌼 Jane: Accurate.

🔥 Max: Mike and Will on the other hand

⚔️ Mike: choose your words carefully

🐰 Will: our legal team is listening

🔥 Max: Are horny and somehow have the widest possible range of ways to make it everybody else’s problem.

⚔️ Mike: FUCK OFF

🐰 Will: absolutely biased

🏀 Lucas: Pretty accurate.

🎲 Dustin: Extremely accurate.

⚔️ Mike: YOU WERE UNDER A MEDIEVAL SKIRT IN A BATHROOM WITH THE DOOR UNLOCKED

🎲 Dustin: Once.

🌼 Jane: It was a very good dress.

🎲 Dustin: It was an incredible dress.

🔥 Max: Jesus Christ.

🎲 Dustin: I accept Max’s findings.

⚔️ Mike: OF COURSE YOU FUCKING DO

🐰 Will: he has somehow gained self-esteem from being prosecuted

🎲 Dustin: Category Nineteen has been extremely educational.

🌼 Jane: Good.

🎲 Dustin: Very good.

⚔️ Mike: I hate this court.

🎲 Dustin: So.

🎲 Dustin: Category Nineteen complete.

⚔️ Mike: finally

🐰 Will: eighteen categories of targeted harassment followed by one category proving everybody else is also disgusting

🎲 Dustin: It did not prove that.

⚔️ Mike: it literally did

🔥 Max: It proved we’re all horny.

🏀 Lucas: Which I think we knew.

🌼 Jane: Yes.

🐰 Will: And yet somehow we’re still the criminals.

🎲 Dustin: Because you still lost.

⚔️ Mike: according to your completely unbiased legal system

🎲 Dustin: According to the overwhelming evidence.

🐰 Will: I want an appeal

🎲 Dustin: Denied.

🐰 Will: you didn’t even consider it

🎲 Dustin: I considered it earlier.

🐰 Will: THAT ISN’T HOW APPEALS WORK

⚔️ Mike: we demand a retrial

🎲 Dustin: Also denied.

🔥 Max: You two challenged him to name three times.

🏀 Lucas: That was your first mistake.

⚔️ Mike: I thought there were like four

🐰 Will: maybe six

🔥 Max: 😭

🎲 Dustin: There are eleven pages.

⚔️ Mike: you need a hobby

🎲 Dustin: Apparently this is my hobby now.

🌼 Jane: You enjoyed it.

🎲 Dustin: I really did.

🐰 Will: worrying

🎲 Dustin: I like organizing evidence.

⚔️ Mike: against your friends

🎲 Dustin: Especially when my friends keep making my case for me.

🔥 Max: He’s got you there.

🐰 Will: fuck off

🎲 Dustin: Final result remains Mike and Will.

⚔️ Mike: shocking

🐰 Will: corruption

🎲 Dustin: Most repeat offences.

🎲 Dustin: Most different kinds of offences.

🎲 Dustin: Most accidental self-incrimination.

🔥 Max: definitely

🎲 Dustin: Most occasions where somebody else has had to change rooms, turn something up, knock on something, leave something alone or decide they don’t want to know.

🏀 Lucas: also definitely

🎲 Dustin: Worst phone accuracy.

⚔️ Mike: okay

🐰 Will: we get it

🎲 Dustin: Worst vacation record.

⚔️ Mike: DUSTIN

🎲 Dustin: Most disrespect shown to the sacred game of Dungeons & Dragons.

🐰 Will: there it is

🎲 Dustin: And the highest number of incidents where one of you could’ve prevented the entire problem by thinking for approximately four seconds.

⚔️ Mike: objection

🎲 Dustin: Too late.

🎲 Dustin: Court’s basically adjourned.

🐰 Will: basically?

🎲 Dustin: I need to clean up the Notes document.

⚔️ Mike: why

🎲 Dustin: Table of contents.

⚔️ Mike: WHY

🔥 Max: He’s never letting this go.

🎲 Dustin: Obviously not.

🌼 Jane: What’s the final page count?

🎲 Dustin: Eleven right now.

🎲 Dustin: Probably twelve once I format Category Nineteen properly.

⚔️ Mike: I cannot believe there are twelve pages about me having sex with my boyfriend

🐰 Will: technically some of them are about me having sex with my boyfriend

⚔️ Mike: good point baby

🎲 Dustin: And there goes the final shred of remorse I might’ve had.

🐰 Will: ❤️

🔥 Max: So that’s it?

🎲 Dustin: Pretty much.

⚔️ Mike: Nineteen is a shit number to end on.

🎲 Dustin: What?

⚔️ Mike: Nineteen categories.

⚔️ Mike: That’s annoying.

🐰 Will: actually he’s right

🎲 Dustin: Of course you’re agreeing with him.

🐰 Will: No, genuinely.

🐰 Will: If you’re going to spend all night building your ridiculous sex-crime document, twenty would at least be a nice number.

🔥 Max: Sex-crime document 😭

🎲 Dustin: I’m not inventing another category just because nineteen bothers you.

⚔️ Mike: I’m not asking you to invent one.

⚔️ Mike: I’m just saying nineteen looks unfinished.

🌼 Jane: It does a little.

🎲 Dustin: Not you too.

🌼 Jane: Twenty is cleaner.

🔥 Max: She’s right.

🏀 Lucas: I don’t care.

🎲 Dustin: Thank you, Lucas.

🏀 Lucas: I mean I don’t care what number it ends on.

🎲 Dustin: Less helpful.

⚔️ Mike: Twenty is a proper number.

🐰 Will: twenty categories sounds intentional

⚔️ Mike: nineteen sounds like you ran out of ideas

🎲 Dustin: I DIDN’T RUN OUT OF IDEAS.

🔥 Max: Sounds defensive.

🎲 Dustin: I have ELEVEN PAGES.

🐰 Will: twelve after formatting apparently

🎲 Dustin: Exactly.

⚔️ Mike: twelve pages, nineteen categories

⚔️ Mike: ugly

🎲 Dustin: What does that even mean?

⚔️ Mike: aesthetically ugly

🐰 Will: structurally unsatisfying

🎲 Dustin: You two have spent the last four hours objecting to the existence of this investigation and now you’re criticizing its STRUCTURE?

⚔️ Mike: we contain multitudes

🐰 Will: also you’re a nerd

🎲 Dustin: YOU PLAY D&D.

🐰 Will: so do you

🎲 Dustin: THAT’S MY POINT.

🔥 Max: I kind of want twenty now.

🎲 Dustin: There isn’t a twentieth category.

🌼 Jane: You could make the verdict twenty.

🎲 Dustin: That’s not a category.

⚔️ Mike: weak

🐰 Will: cowardly

🎲 Dustin: I am not manufacturing evidence to make the number prettier.

⚔️ Mike: nineteen

🐰 Will: horrible number

🔥 Max: nineteen does look weird

🎲 Dustin: STOP SAYING NINETEEN.

🌼 Jane: Nineteen.

🎲 Dustin: Jane.

🌼 Jane: Sorry.

🌼 Jane: Twenty would be better.

🎲 Dustin: I know you aren’t sorry.

🌼 Jane: No.

🏀 Lucas: For fuck’s sake.

🔥 Max: What?

🎲 Dustin: What happened?

🏀 Lucas: They’ve just proved your fucking point. AGAIN.

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