Archive of Our Own

The common room of the second-year dorms hummed with a warm, loud, and familiar chaos they had all grown to love over the last two years. Sunlight spilled in from the large, full-length glass windows, catching dust motes that lingered in the air. The air smelled like the soothing scent of lavanda and the faint, sweet scent of vanilla from Yaoyorozu's candles she had lit a few moments earlier. 

It was late afternoon; classes had long since ended for the day, meaning everyone was piled onto the sofas, armchairs, and the floor surrounding them. Legs tangled, voices overlapping, and bright and easy laughter filled the room. In the way only two years of fighting side by side could make. They had all come so far; from nervous first years barely fitting into their costumes to survivors of countless villain invasions and survivors of the War. 

And now, apparently, they were all famous enough to get their mentions in a full-issue hero magazine. 

"I heard it's got a part for each one of us!" Uraraka exclaimed as she bounced on the edge of the sofa, cheeks pink with excitement. She was clutching her phone tight in one of her hands. "The interviewers spent weeks following us last term so they should have a lot to say about us!" 

"Ooh! Look! It's here! Finally!" Mina shrieked, running and pointing to the window. The whole room erupted; chairs scraped against the floor, Kaminari volted over the back of the sofa nearly sending Sero tumbling to the floor, Iida's arms were wild, fruitlessly attempting to calm the chaos down. Only one person didn't move, didn't cheer, didn't lift his head properly to even look from where he was slouched in the corner of the armchair. 

Katsuki sat with one of his legs crossed over Eijitou's lap, as they belonged there. His arms folded tight across his chest. Katsuki was flipping through one of his latest novels, he had been reading with his glasses perched above his nose. One of his hads moved from its crossed state to wrap around Eijirou's knee, meaning each time he turned the page, his thumb would brush against it back and forth in a steady, soothing motion. His jaw was set sharp, eyes half-lidded like the whole thing was the most annoying waste of time he had ever been forced to sit through. Which it was. It was stupid, in his opinion, getting excited over some dumb article mention. 

But Eijirou knew him better.

He knew him better than that. 

He knew Katsuki better than anyone. Better than even himself sometimes. After almost two years of quiet mornings together sharing the same bed, bandaging eachother's scraped knuckles after spars. After late-night whispers to each other when the rest of the world was still asleep and silent. After countless kisses together. He knew Katsuki. Too well sometimes. He saw the tiny, almost imperceptible clench of Katsuki's fist against his bicep. The way his gaze darted to the window for half a second before he looked away, like he was curious but would rather die than admit it to anyone, or let anyone see.  

Eijirou felt himself smile, warm and fond. He leaned over to nudge his shoulder gently against Katsuki, "You excited, babe?" he murmured only quiet enough for only Katsuki to hear. They had kept their relationship quiet at first; scared of what people may think, scared of what it would cause to their friend group dynamics, Katsuki was scared at the teasing he may face if people saw him softer then he had been previously But now, now almost two years into their relationship, they were steady, quiet and unshakeable.

They never made a big grand show of it, they never even properly 'came out' to the class, but everyone found out quickly when Katsuki forgot where he was and fell onto the couch during class movie night when he was late and hugged Eijirou, curling into his arms and kissing his neck. Something only they would do in the comfort of their dorm rooms, or when they were alone. Not in front of the whole class. 

Anyway- 

Everyone knew that Katsuki was Eijirou's and Eijirou was Katsuki's. 

Katsuki huffed, turning his head away, but Eijirou caught the faint pink tinge high up on his cheekbones. "Shut up. The stupid magazine's just gonna be filled with useless praise and shit. Who cares." His voice was gruff as he answered, just as he always was, but there was no bite. Not with Eijirou. 

Before Eijirou could reply, the door burst open, and Sero and Todoroki came trundling in with a huge stack of glossy magazines, wrapped tightly. The covers were bright and bold, reading: 'UA CLASS 2A: The Heroes Who Will Change Everything!' "Here they are!" Sero called, hauling in a tall stack of glossy magazines through the door, and the whole room erupted.

A cheer erupted once more as each of the copies was delicately passed around to each of them. Pages rustled in unison as gasps and laughs and exclamations once filled the air one after the other. 

"Listen to this!" Mina shouted, holding hers up, pointing at a full-page photo of her in her hero costume, grinning while she was mid-attack, her acid swirling around her fists. A new move she had perfected just after the War. "'Ashido Mina radiates unshakable warmth and courage...She's the heart of her generation!' Oh my god!" 

"They said that my engineering insights are 'beyond my years'" Iida beamed, adjusting his glasses, but Eijirou could swear he was wiping away tears from them. 

"Mine says my creativity in battle is 'unlike any heroes we have seen before'" Midoriya added, looking proud as he held the magazine to his chest. 

"I got called the heart and soul of the class!" Kirishima whispered to himself; he felt tears glistening in his eyes. He prided himself on being the person most of his class came to for advice, for help or just to simply talk to him. Even before getting together with Katsuki, he often spent time helping him talk about things instead of keeping everything internalised. 

"Dude," Kaminari whooped, "Listen to this - ' a kind soul who has saved his classmates time and time again with his strong quirk' They said that about me. Me!" Even Todoroki was smiling while flipping reverently through his copy. Midoriya was rambling and muttering to himself about how kind the words were about himself and his classmates, how he believed no one would ever write such kind things about them. Every single one of them was glowing, happy, and gushing over the kind words and photos, showing each other their favourite parts. 

Eijirou looked down at his boyfriend and Katsuki - Katsuki just sat there. He'd taken his copy from Ururaka when she handed it to him, but he had yet to open it. He held it loose in one of his hands, gaze fixed on the floor, shoulders hunched tight. Eijirou hadn't seen him open it; maybe he had opened it before? But everyone was gushing about theirs, what they had written, how happy they were; usually Katsuki would have joined in, or at least told Eijirou what was written. But he was silent. He just held the magazine and fixed his gaze somewhere past the coffee table. His thumb - the one that had been brushing Eijirou's knee so gebntly only moments earlier - was now pressed hard to the magazine's spine, knuckles white. His book long forgotten next to him. 

His jaw was set tighter, shoulders hunched just a fraction and a restless twitch had started on his fingers; one Eijirou knew meant that his boyfriend was hurting but trying like hell not to let it show. That faint flush on his cheeks was now gone and replaced with something quieter. Then, before anyone could notice, before Eijirou could check he was okay or even open his mouth to say something, Katsuki stood up abruptly. He turned towards the stairs. 

"I'm out," was all he said. 

"Kacchan? Are you okay? Where are you going?" Midoriya blinked in confusion. But Katsuki didn't answer. He just kept walking, back straight and stiff, until he disappeared up the grand staircase to his dorm. "Do you not want to see yours?" 

"Not interested." His voice was flat when he finally answered.  No fire in it. He didn't look back, if he did he would have seen the utter shock on his classmates faces. He carried on walking straight towards the stairs to retreat back to his room. 

A small silence fell over the room. "Huh?" Hagakure said, "That was weird." 

"Yeah, he didn't even seem to look at it," Jirou added. 

Kirishima was already reaching for the magazine Katsuki had left behind. Maybe something happened, and his article wasn't included? He grabbed his own copy, fingers fumbling a little as he flipped straight to the spread marked with Katsuki's hero name. 'Dynamight: A symbol of explosive power and unstoppable will.' That seemed good. Positive. Wasn't it? He looked further down the page to the photo. He knew exactly which one it would be; despite this, his heart still fluttered at it. It was a gorgeous picture, capturing every part of Katsuki that Eijirou adored; the wildness of his hair, his rosy lips, the deep red of his eyes. 

It was taken three weeks prior, one of the first ones captured for the magazine. Katsuki had turned to look back at Eijirou, to check on him, and the golden light of the afternoon sun hit his hair, and he had smiled. Not the sharp, challenging smirk he wore for the cameras or to intimidate or to be cocky. He had smiled. truly. It was that smile.

It was soft and unguarded and so full of love and unfiltered happiness. It was only ever given to Eijirou. It was special. It always made his chest feel so full that it could burst at any moment. When he had first seen that smile, when they were having one of their very first dates, he had fallen in love with him all over again. And every time since that day. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. 

His thumb brushed over the page fondly, and then his blood ran cold when he turned the page. 

What? 

There he was.

Another photo with that same smile that Eijirou wanted to frame in his room, the photo that made Eijirou's heart thud that day it was taken, the photo that made him want to kiss Katsuki over and over again. The photo that made Eijirou feel like the luckiest boy alive. It made Katsuki look like the most beautiful thing in the whole world.

But the words underneath it didn't match. 

Bakugou Katsuki; a terrifying force of nature both on and off the battlefield. While his power is undeniable, one cannot help but recoil from the expression captured here. This is not a smile. Not a normal one, from what our editors declared to us. There is nothing warm there. It is sharp and jagged. Every line of it menacing. His eyes seem to hold no joy and instead only a cold, fierce intensity that reads less like happiness and more like a threat. It is a chilling expression. One cannot help but wonder if this boy can truly be capable of genuine warmth, or if every interaction we see is simply another performance. Terrifying. 

Eijirou stared. And stared. His throat felt so tight he could barely breathe. Terrifying. cruel. manacing. Villain. Cold. sharp. Jagged. Chilling. They were talking about Katsuki.

His Katsuki.

His Katsuki who stayed up late helping Eijirou study for exams no matter how long it took because he always wanted Eijirou to pass. His Katsuki who always took care of him after missions. Who remembered exactly how Eijirou liked his tea. Who left Eijirou's favourite sweets on his desk when he had a bad day. Who held him through nightmares and bouts of insecurity when they would wash over him. Who kissed the scar on his eyelid every morning and each night and whispered how brave he was when he felt anything but. His Katsuki who helped him dye his hair whenever he needed it doing. 

The boy who smiled that smile for only him. So full of love that it always made his heart ache.

They dared look at that beautiful, perfect, happy smile and saw something ugly.

Something evil. 

Katsuki. 

"Kiri? You good?" Kaminari's voice sounded so far away as he felt a hand graze his shoulder. 

He didn't answer. He didn't even think. He snapped the magazine shut with a loud and final thud, pushed past his friends, and bolted up the stairs. He grabbed Katsuki's classic he was in the middle of reading, knowing he would hate for anyone to get their hands on it. He ignored the additional calls of Mina and Sero behind him. "Wait, where are you going?" Kaminari.

"Kiri, what's wrong?" Mina

"Is everything okay?" Sero.

He didn't care. He couldn't stay there a moment longer, not when Katsuki was up there, alone in his room, pondering those horrible words and wondering if they were true. He knew what Katsuki was like; he would be reading those words, believing them, sitting curled up iin his bed alone. He took two stairs at a time, his chest heaving, still feeling weary from their Hero training early today. His heart pounded so hard he could hear it in his ears.

Their dorm room was still right next to each other, but Katsuki's was the one they spent almost all of their time in. It was always so soothing, calming, and cluttered with his favourite hoodies (most of them were Eijirou's), stacks of hero magazines, his prized shelf of classics, the faint lingering smell of caramel. Eijirou's hand shook a little as he knocked - three little soft quick raps against the wood. Their special knock so Katsuki knows it's him, and only him. 

"Go 'way, Ei," Came Katsuki's voice. Muffled through the door, it sounded rough, like he was forcing it to come out normal. "'M not in the mood." 

"Katsuki, baby, It's only me," Eijirou said, firm but trying to keep the anger out of his voice. His beautiful, caring boyfriend was alone in his room, upset because of some nameless editors in some shitty magazine who didn't even know him. "Let me in, please." 

There was a long pause. Then the faint click of a lock. Katsuki never locked his door. Ever. Eijirou pushed the door open and stepped inside.

Katsuki was standing by his desk; a day-old cup of honey and lemon tea was still sitting there along with one of Katsuki's finished assignments due next week. His back was turned towards the door, and his shoulders were hunched up just as they were before he had darted from the Common Room. The magazine, Eijirou noticed, was flat and open on the table in front of him. Eijirou walked further into the room. He didn't say anything to Eijirou, just carried on staring ahead at the wall, hands clenched at his sides.

They were trembling. 

"Katsuki..." Eijirou started, stepping closer but Katsuki cut him off. 

"It's just a headache," He said, his voice too light, too forced, like he was trying to brush off the cruelty, like it was nothing. Eijirou knew better. He knew the tells. He knew that his eyes were slightly red-rimmed and swollen from rubbing them harshly to prevent tears spilling out of them. He knew Katsuki's hair was messy and tousled because of his hand pushing his hair back, a sign he did when he was overwhelmed. "A migraine from training. Nothing's wrong, so don't be making a big fuckin' deal about nothin', Ei." 

Eijirou felt his heart crack open. Right there. He knew it was a lie. He knew it. He would bet his limited edition Crimson poster on it.

Katsuki didn't get quiet, hide away, or withdraw when he had a headache - he was the opposite, in all honesty. He got extra grumpy, snapped at everyone, and demanded peace. And then he would secretly ask for Eijirou's special tea he always makes when he has a headache. He would drink it curled against Eijirou until the pain eased and passed.

He didn't stand perfectly still, rigid with his shoulders shaking just a little. Like he was holding himself together by a fraying thread about to be undone. 

"Katsuki," He said again, even softer this time, so quiet that the room barely picked it up. But he saw Katsuki flinch at Eijirou discovering his lie and seeing right through it. He finally stepped up to his boyfriend close enough that he was directly behind him, a mere inches away. He wrapped his arms gently around his waist, pressed his front to Katsuki's back, their height difference automatically making Katsuki's head nuzzle back into Eijirou's neck. He could feel Katsuki's breath hitch slightly. The way he trembled just slightly, and then he forced himself to stay still. "You don't ever have to pretend with me."  A slight pause, "I've read it, Kats." 

Katsuki didn't say anything. He didn't lean any further into the touch. But he didn't pull away either. Eijirou held him tighter, pressing soft kisses into his shoulder, his spine, the very sensitive parts of his neck. Slow and gentle, just the way Katsuki liked. There was never any need to rush with it.

He knew Katsuki hated feeling like this; hated feeling seen when he was hurting or talking about how he was feeling when he wasn't ready, so he didn't push him. He just held him, kissed him, used his gentle touch to tell Katsuki that he was there, and that he wasn't alone with those terrible words. 

After a long time, Katsuki let out a shaky breath, his hands coming up to cover Eijirou's, where they rested delicately on his stomach. "Stupid," He muttered, quieter now. Like he was so unsure of himself. "Fucking stupid. Why the hell should I care what some random extra thinks? Shit doesn't matter." 

"But it does," Eijirou answered softly, turning Katsuki around slowly so he could look at Eijirou in his eyes as he spoke to him. Katsuki's eyes were slightly more red-rimmed than earlier, like he was trying even harder to hold back his tears. It was killing him to see his boyfriend like that. His expression looked open so Eijirou could see the raw hurt even as he tried to scowl like he was unbothered and uncaring. "They were wrong. So, so wrong. That smile? it was the one you gave me after training, wasn't it? when you turned around and saw me watching you, remember?" 

Katsuki looked away, his throat bobbing with emotion. "It's just a face. It doesn't mean anything." 

"It means everything," Eijirou whispered, cupping his cheek, thumb brushing over the corner of his mouth. That place where the smile lived. Where it had been born. "It's the happiest I've ever seen you. It's the only time it ever reaches your eyes," he moves his hands higher as if to emphasise his words, "And they fucking- They called it terrifying. Villain-like. That's not true, Katsuki. Your smile? It's the most beautiful thing I've ever had my eyes look upon." 

Katsuki swallowed hard, and for a second it looked like he might just fall into Eijirou's arms. But then he schooled his face back to something sharp and closed off. "Whatever. It doesn't change what they saw. Maybe they're right, Ei, people see what they see..." And what they saw was that.

Him.

A villain.

Terrifying.

"People who don't know you," Eijirou corrected softly, "People who have never sat up with you until two in the morning talking about heroes and your favourite books. Who've never had you smile just because you walked into the room. They don't get the honour to decide what your smile is." 

Katsuki didn't argue.

It was obvious he didn't want to speak of it. He just stood there small and quiet and let Eijirou pull him in close and tuck his face into the crook of his neck. He leaned in for a gentle kiss. Soft, sweet, and slow, tasting the salt of the tears he was willing not to let shed. He brushed his thumb gently over Katsuki's cheekbone. He missed the blush that was on them earlier. He kissed his forehead, each of his eyelids when Katsuki let them flutter shut, the corner of his mouth, his neck, the sides of his head. Every. where he could reach. Pouring every ounce of love and adoration he felt for his boyfriend into each one.

He hoped they were enough for Katsuki to believe.

Even if it was only a little bit. 

Eijirou kissed the top of his head, just before his hairline where those soft spikes start to peek up, and he whispered 'I love you' and a faint ' you're perfect,' That only Katsuki will ever hear. He said these until he felt Katsuki's grip on his shirt begin to loosen just a little.

"Hey?" He whispered, resting his forehead against Katsuki's when they finally pulled apart. He brushed a stray piece of blonde hair behind his ear. "How about tomorrow, after class, I take you to that place you love? The Katsu-don shop by the station? The one with the extra spicy dumplings you like and make me feel like I'm gonna hurl?" 

Katsuki huffed a laugh. It was a small, wobbly laugh, but it made Eijirou's heart sing nonetheless. But he wasn't smiling where Eijirou could see.

Finally, finally, Katsuki's hands gripped Eijirou's shoulders, curling tight into his uniform shirt, and he pulled Eijirou down a few inches to his height and planted a firm kiss directly on his lips. He nodded, his voice, when he spoke, barely more than a breath, "Yeah, okay. That sounds good, Ei." 

He didn't smile, though. 

Not even a little one. 

The next day started out normal enough, but Eijirou could sense the difference in Katsuki like a cold shadow between them.

He was quiet. Too quiet.

In class, he sat at his desk and just simply stared at the board, barely raising his hand and only speaking if Aizawa had picked on him to answer a question. Even then, he only answered in short, clipped responses before falling silent again. 

At lunch, he picked at his food and pushed it around his plate. He didn't tease Kaminari when he burned his mouth on his hot soup. He didn't even comment on how Mina was obnoxiously loud, chewing like he usually does. He picked at his lunch like he wasn't hungry, like he wasn't even there.

In training, he didn't argue with Aizawa when he was paired with Midoriya of all people instead of Eijirou. He just nodded once, turned, and walked to their corner of Ground Beta and waited to begin without a single complaint. Which was honestly more shocking than anything else.

Usually, his Katsuki would complain until he was blue in the face about being paired with anyone other than Eijirou; but Deku? Eijirou was shocked that he was so compliant with it. Usually, he would argue with Aizawa until he threatened house arrest or a ban from training the next day. Only then would Katsuki comply, but he would still huff and grumble and snarl at Aizawa when his back was turned. 

But today, today he just accepted it. 

Like he was too tired to fight against it. 

Eijirou carried on watching him the rest of the day, his chest tight with worry. Every time Katsuki's eyes fell onto a mirror or his own reflection from a building or the water fountain, he would look away just as quickly as he had looked. Like he was scared of something. Or maybe he was ashamed.

He would watch as Katsuki briefly lift his hand towards his mouth before pulling it away sharply, like he was just simply rubbing his face. Eijirou desperately wanted to say something, maybe pull Katsuki aside and tell him how wrong those words were - because he knew that was why he was so upset, if last night was anything to go by. it was obvious Eijirou's words weren't enough to reassure him. But Katsuki always hated being fussed over in front of others; he hated looking weak, like he needed help. So Eijirou just stayed close and present, there if Katsuki needed him or wanted to speak. And he waited. 

He walked close to him every class; his arm folded over his shoulder, something he used to do even before they started dating. He squeezed his hand before he walked to his own desk when no one was looking. Katsuki's hands were cold and clammy in his own. 

By the time their final bell rang out, Eijirou was already half-packed, ready to get the hell out of here to the dorms. Ready to grab Katsuki and finally go on their date after waiting all day. To get him away from here, from everyone else, from shitty magazines that didn't even know who he was. To remind him how loved he was and how much he cared. But when he looked over, Katsuki's desk was empty. His heart dropped. "Hey," He asked, scanning the room quickly, "Did anyone see Katsuki leave?" 

Mina shook her head, frowning slightly. "No. I swear he was here literally a second ago. Maybe he got out as soon as the bell rang. Maybe he headed to the dorms or something?" 

Eijirou didn't wait. He slung his heavy bag over his shoulder, nearly stumbling with the extra weight from the copious amounts of assignments they had gotten for the day. He hurried out, running to the dorms, checking the Common room first. It was empty. He checked the roof - empty. He checked the training rooms- empty. Their usual spots were empty. Only a few people were left packing up and clearing their items away. There were no signs of spikey blonde hair. His chest grew tighter with every step and every room without Katsuki in it.

A sick feeling curled in his stomach. 

He knew where to look. 

The second-year bathrooms were quiet. They were almost always empty at this time, which is why Eijirou was guessing that his boyfriend is taking refuge in them now. Hardly anyone used them after all since they were far away from the dorms and everyone wished to just go back and talk or eat snacks in the common room. 

He slowed as he approached the door. It was left open and slightly ajar. And then he heard it. A sharp, frustrated exhale. Then silence. Then again, and again. Eijirou stepped in closer, heart thudding, and he looked through the small gap. 

Katsuki was standing at the sink, his school bag open and discarded on the floor, loose sheets of paper hanging over the zip and getting slightly damp from the wet floor. He was staring at his own reflection. And he was...Smiling. 

But it wasn't his smile. 

It was stiff. Tight. Forced. His lips were pulled out wide and flat. His teeth were showing, but his eyes looked dead. Hollow. No warmth. No light. Nothing. It was superficial. Fake. Everything Katsuki wasn't. It was like the drawing of a smile that he was being forced to replicate.

He held it for approximately three seconds, his face trembling with the effort, then he let it drop instantly. His expression fell into something raw and miserable. He stared at himself for a long moment, chest rising and falling fast, and then he tried again. 

Same smile. Same shape. Same empty eyes. The same cold and artificial stretch across his face. Eijirou hated it. It wasn't his Katsuki. He was holding it; Eijirou could almost hear the small number being counted in his head. Then he let it drop again, this time after five seconds, with a sharp puff of frustration. 

Again.

Again.

And again.

Each attempt seemed more desperate than the last, but more strained. Each one seemed to crumble faster when he let it finally drop. His hands were gripping the sink so hard his knuckles were blanched white. His shoulders shook. 

Eijirou's throat tightened until it hurt to even take a breath. He remembered back to the magazine's cruel words - menacing, villain-like, cold, terrifying - and he understood. Katsuki believed them. he looked in the mirror at the smile Eijirou loved more than anything, the one that was pure, unfiltered, stunning as it showed his deep smile lines, and he thought it was wrong. Evil. He thought it was ugly. Katsuki really thought that he had to practice being someone else just to be loved.

Just to be accepted. 

He watched Katsuki try one more time - forcing his mouth up, eyes still that same coldness, and holding the same emptiness and staying there until it trembled too much, until he couldn't hold it anymore - and his heart shattered all over again. Katsuki Bakugou, who stormed into every room as if he owned it, who had faced down towering villains, who had died and bounced back with just as much grace and fire, was standing alone in a bathroom trying to unlearn his smile because strangers in a magazine didn't like it. 

And Eijirou couldn't move. He couldn't speak out. He just stood there, tears burning hot against his eyes, watching the boy he loved more than anything trying to erase the very thing that made him him.  

The sound cracked through the quiet bathroom like a gunshot. 

Katsuki had slammed his hand against the porcelain edge of the sink - hard enough that his whole arm jolted with the action, knuckles flushing a bright, angry red instantly - and hissed a sharp, ragged curse under his breath. "Stupid. Fucking stupid. Why can't you just-" 

Eijirou watched as he sucked in a jagged breath, eyes locking back onto his reflection, and forced his mouth up again. With his lips pulled tight, stretched too thin, and his teeth bared in something that looked more like a wince than a smile, his eyes stayed dead. Still hollow. No sign of his usual spark, nothing of the boy Eijirou loved. He held it for three, four, five seconds, jaw trembling so hard Eijirou could see the strain on his jaw even from his place behind the door.

Then it dropped right off of his face as if it had never really been there at all. 

Another breath escaped his boyfriend, shaky and rough, and he forced that awful 'smile' back on his face. Tighter this time. Even stiffer (if that was possible). His fingers curled even tighter around the sink rim until his veins stood out, blue and bright against the blanched white of his knuckles. "Come on," He gritted at himself, his voice cracking. "Just look normal. Why can't you look fucking normal?" 

Again.

And again.

And again.

Each attempt was more hollow and more fake than the last, and each crumbled faster off his face. Like even his muscles rejected the fakeness of the look.

Knowing it wasn't right.

His shoulders shook harder now, fine tremors running through him that he couldn't bite back against.

It had started after the War, when he returned from the hospital, discharged and medically cleared to return to training, but he wasn't clear emotionally. He never has recovered from it all, despite Eijirou's gentle reassurances, his love, his affection. Katsuki never speaks about anything to do with the War; when it's mentioned in class, he looks frozen for a split second before gripping his pen harder and looking down at his desk. 

He hit the sink once more; harder this time. A dull and heavy thud that echoed and ricocheted off the tile and around the small bathroom. His head bowed for a heartbeat before he forced his head upright again.

Eijirou decided this had gone on too long, and he did what he should have done minutes ago. He steps forward. The soft scuff of his shoes on the tiled floor was loud in the silence. 

Katsuki's head snapped up instantly.

His eyes widened in the mirror as he stared at Eijirou - just for a fraction - and for one terrible, exposed second he looked caught. Like prey caught by its predator. His eyes were red-rimmed and glassy - something he could not quite see from his original place. Then his face, his walls shuttered close, and he scrubbed a hand roughly over his mouth and his face like he could wipe away what Eijirou had just seen.  

His breaths came in short, panicky gasps, chest heaving, and he squared his shoulders like he was about to argue with a villain instead of the person who loved him most. "Eijirou-" He said, his voice too bright, too fast. Choked. Eijirou could hear each syllable fraying at the seams like an old rope. "I-I wasn't- My face was fuckin' cramping, okay? It's some stupid...sinus thing. Icy-Hot was sick last week, and I was just tryna...tryna fix it. That's all." He paused, looking at Eijirou's pained expression. "Don't- Don't fuckin' look at me like that." 

It was the worst lie he's ever told, not that Katsuki was any good at lying to Eijirou, or in general. He was always upfront, always brutally honest. So they both knew when he was lying, and this was one of those times. 

Eijirou didn't say a word. He just walked forward, closer to Katsuki, and reached out. He curled his fingers gently around Katsuki's wrist; his boyfriend's hand was ice-cold, trembling, his knuckles already blooming with bruises where he had struck the harsh porcelain. Katsuki tensed in his grip instantly and started to pull away, but Eijirou held on. Soft, steady, and unyielding. He wasn't forcing Katsuki, but he wanted him to stay. He made that clear with the soft "C'mon," he muttered, and the soft tone he used. 

"Wait? What are you doing?" Katsuki stumbled a little as he leaned down to grab his school bag and swing it around his shoulder with only one hand. He protested with a shaky voice all the way out of the bathrooms; the hallway was clear, and there were no signs of anyone around them. Good. Eijirou hoped they'd see no one, especially not while Katsuki was still upset. "We-We were supposed to go to that shitty Katsu place, remember? I'm fine! I told you that, Ei! Don't- stop babying me, I hate that! I can walk by my fucking self." 

Eijirou didn't let go; not even when Katsuki tried fruitlessly tugging on his arm, not when he grumbled and snapped and tried to dig his heels into the floor stubbornly. He instead carried on leading Katsuki down the quiet hall, away from the bathrooms, away from anyone who may pass them, straight back towards their dorms.

To Eijirou's dorm. 

It was soothing in a different way from Katsuki's. Katsuki's dorm smelled like vanilla; Eijirou's smelled of coconut and hair dye. Where Katsuki's room is filled with books and notebooks, Eijirou's was filled with posters and Crimson Riot collectibles. He kicked the door shut behind them, locked it softly so no one could disturb them, and walked Katsuki over to where his full-length mirror stood leaning against his wall. He stepped close behind him, making sure Katsuki could see all of his body. His hands rested lightly, but steadily, on Katsuki's waist so he couldn't step away. 

They stood there in silence.

Eijirou with tears still clinging stubbornly, thick and hot to his lashes, cheeks streaked. Katsuki, pale, his eyes red, lips pressed into a thin, miserable line and refusing to look up at himself. 

"What...?" Katsuki's voice cracked. He swallowed hard, staring fixedly at Eijirou's red mat. "What are you doing, Ei. Seriously? This is stupid. We're gonna be late." 

"Look up," Eijirou commanded softly, "Look at me. In the mirror." 

Katsuki shook his head minutely, shoulder hunching even further, as if he was trying to curl in on himself. Which will not do. No. "No." 

"Katsuki, please, baby." 

For a long moment he didn't move.

Eijirou could feel the tension rolling off him in waves. The war of wanting to run, to hide, but also wanting to be held and touched. The war between pride and fear was being fought between his eyes. He would wait all day, until his gorgeous boyfriend could look at himself, even if his legs grew weary before that happened.

Then, slowly, painfully, Katsuki lifted his head. His eyes met Eijirou's in the reflection - red and wet and so full of hurt it made Eijirou's chest ache all over again. 

"Smile for me," Eijirou murmured, pressing a soft kiss to Katsuki's cheek. 

Katsuki flinched as though he had been struck. "Don't-" 

"-Please. Just...do what you were doing in the bathroom. Show me, baby." He hoped the pet name would make Katsuki more comfortable. 

Katsuki's hands clenched into tighter fists at his sides, his breath hitched at the soft words; his chest rising and falling fast. Eijirou saw the moment he gave in, and resignation settled over his face. He lifted his chin and forced his mouth into that shape again. His lips stretched too wide, teeth showing and his eyes completely empty. Stiff and unnatural. Nothing like him.

It looked as though someone had painted a mask and hoped it would simply fit. 

Eijirou's heart ached so badly, so sharply, it felt as though it was closing over. The emotion thick in the air, choking him. The only time he had seen Katsuki so insecure like this was after the war, after his first physical therapy session where he believed he would never be able to use his quirk properly again, or the right side of his body again. When he believed he was only half a man.

He leaned in then, pressing warm and soft kisses down the side of Katsuki's neck. Slow and lingering. Each one was deliberate; over his shoulder, along his jawline. Anywhere he could reach from behind. He kissed the sensitive spot just below his ear, the curve of his cheekbone, the corner of his mouth where that fake smile was set and pulled tight. 

Katsuki let out a shaky sigh, his eyes fluttering shut at the attention of Eijirou's mouth. That horrible, hollow smile slipped right off of his face as he leaned back - just a fraction - against Eijirou's chest. "There," Eijirou whispered against Katsuki's skin, arms winding loosely and safely around Katsuki's waist now. Holding him close. "That's good. Now. I want you to smile for me properly, Kats. The real one. My special smile." 

Katsuki shook his head instantly, voice tight and raw, and he croaked out a "No." 

"Why?" 

Katsuki's fists clenched even harder, his nails digging into his palms, leaving little crescent shapes in their wake. His whole body tensed up like he was bracing for a blow. "You know why." 

"You tell me." 

"You saw what they said!" It broke out sharp and desperate. The tears he had been trying so hard to will back finally spilled over. They ran hot and fast down his cheeks. "You saw what they called it. It's fucking ugly. It's wrong, and it's scary. I-I look like a monster. Like a villain-" he spoke the words as though each one was a slur, something awful and horrible. It didn't match what Katsuki was describing. "I can't walk around like that, Eijirou! I'm not that, okay? I'm- I'm tryna fix it. I'll make it look right. So just fuckin' let me." He stuttered over his words, which Eijirou had only ever heard from Katsuki after Kamino and after the War and after Eijirou got seriously hurt during his debut in first year. Fuck. This was worse than he thought. 

Eijirou's arms tightened around him, pressing a kiss to the very top of his head, his heart cracking open all over again. "Katsuki. Look at me. One more time. Smile for me, your smile. Just for a second. Please? For me?" 

Katsuki hesitated. His chest heaved, tears still falling, shoulders shaking with quiet sobs he was trying hard to suppress. He looked up at their reflection again, met Eijirou's eyes, and then, slowly, thankfully, his mouth lifted. 

It wasn't perfect. Not like in the picture. But that was only due to his face being soaked with tears. But it was his. That soft, unguarded smile - the one which crinkled the very corners of his eyes, that made his whole face light up from somewhere deep inside. The smile that seemed to illuminate, reach every part of him. It's warm and alive and so full of everything he usually kept hidden and locked tightly away from the rest of the world. Small. Fragile. Trembling at the sides the longer he held it. "Beautiful," he murmured. And it was. 

 It was his smile.

Katsuki's smile.  

And then, like he couldn't bear it a second longer, it dropped away.

Eijirou nearly cried at the sight of it falling. Katsuki bowed his head as silent, shaking sobs racked his whole body. He felt the jolt of each sob. Eijirou turned him around gently in his arms and kissed him deeply on his lips, chaste and deep. He tasted each drop of salt, each ounce of pain, and was rejuvenating him in return with every bit of love he had to give. 

Katsuki clung to him instantly, fisting the back of Eijirou's shirt like he was drowning and Eijirou was the only thing keeping him afloat. He cried into the kiss. When they eventually pulled apart for a breath, Eijirou rested his forehead against Katsuki's, thumbs brushing at the tears again and again as fast as they fell. "Liar," Katsuki choked out, shaking his head, his voice broken. "You're just- You're bein' nice. You have to. But it's true, isn't it? I-I do look like a villain. I was fucking kidnapped, Eijirou! Because I looked fucking-" His voice snapped as his patience wore thin. Katsuki never ever explicitly mentions Kamino, but now Eijirou realises just how much he was carrying. He wished to take some of the load, if Katsuki would allow him to.

Obviously, Eijirou's comforting words while holding Katsuki through nightmares night after night had not yet sunk in.

He still blamed himself for getting kidnapped, even after all of this time. 

He hated UA for ever making Katsuki blame himself for simply expressing himself.

He hated himself for not being manly enough to help him. To stop them making Katsuki a target. For humiliating him. Making him look as though he was some rabid, wild animal. 

Katsuki continued, "They said I was made for it, Ei. That I belonged there with them. And hell, maybe they were right! Maybe I can't help it. Maybe there is some fucking darkness inside of me that keeps tyna escape out of my shitty body. And you-You shouldn't be with someone like that. Who is like that." 

Is that truly how he feels? 

Was Eijirou a bad boyfriend because he let Katsuki actually believe that? 

Eijirou pulled back just a touch, just enough to look him in the eye. His hands still remained cupping Katsuki's face, firm and gentle. He has to fix this. Right now. His heart felt like it was being torn open; every word out of Katsuki's mouth felt like a stab to his side.

Kamino wasn't ever just a simple kidnapping. It wasn't a moment of fear. It was. But that's not all it was. It had been a moment where the whole of the country had looked at Katsuki and decided they saw evil. Not a fifteen-year-old boy, scared and hurt and angry at a simple award ceremony for an award he didn't want to receive. 

"Hey. Hey, no. Don't you dare say that. Don't you ever say that." His voice was steady, fierce. He wanted to shake Katsuki and tell him what he was saying was so wrong, but he knew that that would not work. He needed to approach this with care, with love, with softness, so Katsuki fully understood. "Kamino? They twisted everything. They kidnapped a boy who was scared and hurt and stubborn. You fought with everything you had at the sports festival, so you didn't wanna accept an award? The school should not have forced you down and held you in that light. That was not your fault; that was the school's fault. The fucking magazine?" His voice was louder now, as if he was trying to drill these words into Katsuki's head. He had to make him understand. "They saw one second in time and wrote a story to fit their own selfish narrative. They don't know you, Kats. They don't know what this smile means." 

He brushed a stray, straggling piece of blond hair back from Katsuki's forehead. His thumb lingered at his cheekbone. "I remember the very first time you smiled at me like that. Really smiled. Not a smirk. Not a scowl. Not that little grin you get in training when you nail something. It was our first date. The aquarium? Remember?" Remind him of the good memories. Why the smile was so important. Why it was so good. "You acted like you thought it was dumb the whole time. Complained about the fish and how they were so fucking boring. But you knew all of the facts about each of the fish" he lowered his voice to try and make Katsuki laugh, which it did. Thankfully. His tears weren't coming down as harshly, and the tear tracks were drying. "And then when we went to the shark exhibition and the blue light hit you just right and then you turned, and you saw me looking at you, and you smiled. Like you couldn't help it. Like we were the only people in the world. I thought my heart was gonna stop right there, baby. I'd never seen anything more beautiful in my life. I still haven't." 

Katsuki let out a shaky, wet laugh, shaking his head like he couldn't believe him. But his hands unclenched from their fists and came up to Eijirou's neck.

"All those times since then," Eijirou went on, quiet but sure, pouring every memory into his voice. "The night we finally got together. We were sitting on the roof sharing terrible convenience store ice cream. You smiled at me when I asked you to be my boyfriend like I'd hung the moon. When you got your provisional licence, you came running into my dorm, and you were grinning so wide your cheeks were all pink and flushed. Every morning when you wake up before me and you think I'm still asleep? You smile at me then, Kats. When I come back from a long patrol, and you're there, smiling at me like that, everything feels okay. It's always there, just for me." 

He leaned in then, kissing the corner of Katsuki's mouth, slow and chaste, lingering until Katsuki's breathing softened just a little. It was no longer as harsh, as choppy. "It's not menacing. It's not scary. It's nothing that magazine said it was. It's you. It's your happiness. Your love. And it's so important to me, Katsuki. It's my smile. I get to see it. I'm the only one. I get to keep it forever. And I will never, ever understand how anyone could look at that - at you - and see anything but the most incredible, brilliant, beautiful boy alive. You're not a villain, Katsuki. You're my hero. My everything. Your smile is perfect...exactly as it is." 

Katsuki was crying harder now - those silent, shaking sobs that wracked his whole body. He buried his face into Eijirou's shoulder, clinging to him, his neck, like he was the only solid thing in the world to hold. "You're lying," he mumbled into Eijirou's shirt, muffled and tearful, no bite left in it. Only hurt. Disbelief. "You're just-you love me. So you're lying. You have to be, Eiji. I look wrong. People see my ugliness. They've always seen it." 

He remembered back to first year, where Katsuki had first told him about his relationship with his parents. How he was constantly berated and expected to be perfect, and when he wasnt, his mother targeted his personality. It was obvious now his childhood has blossomed these insecurities and his time at UA; The kidnapping, the Sports Festival and now this magazine had only cemented it. 

"I am not lying," Eijirou said, pausing slightly on each word to hammer it into Katsuki's brain. He meant it with every fibre of his being. He guided Katsuki back to face the mirror again, his arms wrapped tight around his chest now. Holding him tight from behind, chin resting on his shoulder so they were back-to-chest facing the glass. "Look. Look at us. Look at your face. When you're happy? When you're here in my dorm with me? There's nothing scary there. Just you. Just my Katsuki who brings me my favourite snacks when I'm sad. Who stays up past his early bedtime to help me study even when he was up at 5 am that day. Who kisses my scar each morning and each night. Who tells me I'm brave even when I don't feel it. That's who you are. That's what your smile tells me every time I see it. Every time, Katsuki." 

As if to punctuate it all, he kissed Katsuki's temple, right where the faint scar from Kamino sat - one of the only physical wounds. Katsuki hated it; he muttered that it was always a branding of what had happened. What Kamino had symbolised.

That he was a villain all along. 

"Remember that night after the sports festival? You were so hard on yourself, thought you had messed everything up. We sat on the floor right here, and you told me how you hated how people saw you. Like you were just your anger, your quirk. And what did I tell you then?" He paused, seeing if Katsuki would answer, but he saw a faint shake of the head. Katsuki couldn't speak. So he finished it, "I told you then that I see you. I see all of you, Katsuki. I see the real you. And I cherish it every time you show me. I could live a thousand lives and never get sick of seeing you happy, not when you smile at me like that." 

Katsuki's breathing was completely slowed now; no longer shaky and choppy, it was still slightly shaky, but it was quieter. His hand was resting over Eijirou's arm wrapped around him still, his fingers lacing through Eijirou's. "What if they're right, Eiji?" he whispered, his voice trembling as if he was scared of himself. "What if deep down, there is something. Something wrong with me? What if one day you see it too and then you-you don't want me anymore."

Is this Katsuki's real fear? 

Eijirou squeezed him gently, turning his head to kiss Katsuki's cheek, tasting warmth and him. All of him. Not just the parts others liked, everything.

He knew what Katsuki meant. He knew this all wasn't about the magazine, while it was partly, while it cemented fears that he had previously had, it wasn't about the magazine specifically. It was about Katsuki. How he had always seen himself as too much, too dangerous, too angry. It was about every quiet moment they had shared, every time Katsuki had pulled back from a kiss, a hug, sex because he was scared of hurting Eijirou accidentally. It was about the nights they had spent tangled together in the dark, bodies soft and open and flushed. 

Katsuki had been gentle the first time they had sex. So careful that Eijirou had urged him to go faster. That he could take it. But Katsuki treated him like something to be cherished, to take care of. Something he was afraid to break if he went too hard.

That fear was the exact reason he wasn't like those words that magazine had called him. 

"I'll still be there," Eijirou said, kissing to punctuate each word, "And I'll look right at it. And I'll love it because it's a part of you. I love all of you, Katsuki. The parts you hate about yourself. I love them all. I choose you. All of you. Not just the parts others like. I choose everything. And I'm not going to go anywhere. Ever. Not when you're hurting. Not when you're doubting yourself. Not when you believe the worst lies about yourself. Not even if this supposed darkness does take over you. I'm yours. Fully. Completely. And you're mine. Exactly as you are." 

He rested his cheek against Katsuki's, their reflections pressed close together in the glass. "When I see you smile at me, I see my future. I see my home. I see someone who loves me and who i love back. I see the boy who challenges me to races back to the dorms. I see how I want to spend the rest of my life. Who I want to open an agency with. Who I want to buy my first house with. I see all of that. That smile isn't terrifying, Katsuki. And those columnists, that stupid magazine - no one - gets to tell you what that smile means. Only we know. Only I get to decide what it means to me. And to me? It's perfect. It's breathtaking each time it appears on your face." 

Katsuki's eyes flutter shut. Fresh tears spill over, but this time, his mouth lifts. But it wasn't forced, not like in the bathroom or in the mirror a few moments earlier; this was real. Tear-streaked, small and wobbly, but real. That soft and familiar curve. The light coming back into his eyes just a little - just enough - like the sun breaking through the clouds after the storm.

"You're too sappy," Katsuki whispered, laughing and leaning back on Eijirou. He was staring at Eijirou through the mirror now. It was a tiny laugh, but Eijirou felt his heart skip a beat. Even after a year together, Katsuki still makes his heart soar. "How'd you even remember all that shit, Ei?" 

"I don't remember anything, silly," Eijirou laughed, "But to answer. I notice everything. Especially about you. That smile, god Katsuki, I really do love it so much. Because it's not for them. It's ours. Only ours, and no one can touch it." 

"Greedy bastard," Katsuki grumbled, but his voice was wet still with emotions. 

Eijirou turned Katsuki around, wiping away the last of his tears with gentle thumbs. Katsuki looked up at him - eyes still raw - all of his walls finally crumpled away. Leaving him open and so entirely Eijirou's. Eijirou's heart felt so full it might burst. Love and ache and relief all tangled up sat heavy and warm in his chest. 

"Y'really think it's pretty?" Katsuki asked, uncharacteristically quiet and unsure of himself. Like he was, even after all that, still half-convinced Eijirou was only being nice. "Even though people say it's...." His voice trails off.

He doesn't want to say the words again; Eijirou can tell. 

"Especially then." Luckily, Eijirou doesn't need Katsuki to say them. He promised Katsuki, and he would keep the vow till the day he drew his last breath. Katsuki's hands curled into Eijirou's hair, reaching up because of their height difference (something Eijirou loved). Something Katsuki has always done since they started dating. Like they have done a hundred times before. "It's the prettiest thing I've ever seen. And I want you to smile whenever you want. No changing it or trying to fix it. I just want you. I'll treasure every single one I see." 

Katsuki kissed him hard, reaching on his tiptoes to reach Eijirou's lips. The kiss spoke to Eijirou - it told him thank you. it told him that Katsuki was grateful, that he so desperately yearned for this. "Okay," He breathed against Eijirou's lips, voice steadier now. "Okay, I'll try. For you." 

"That's all i'll ever ask," Eijirou murmured, pulling him closer and wrapping him up tight. Katsuki's face was tucked safe into the crook of Eijirou's neck once more, arms locking around his neck. Holding on like he never wants to let go. "Just be you. That's more than enough. More than I ever deserved. And anyone else." 

They stayed there for a long time, until their legs had long since grown tired and trembled slightly. They held each other with the quiet of Eijirou's dorm wrapping around them. Eijirou could see the mirror, and it reflected his beautiful boyfriend right back at him.

He was so lucky. 

Eijirou could hear Katsuki's heartbeat slowing to a steady thump-thump as he felt the tension slowly seeping out of his shoulders, his breathing going deeper, calmer. He kissed the top of Katsuki's head once more. Addicted. He could never get enough. Again and again and again. 

I'm here. 

I love you

You're beautiful. 

"Eijirou?" Katsuki said after a while, against his skin. 

"Mm?" 

"Thank you...for not...not letting me believe it." His voice was small, but more sure than it had been. "I still feel it, y'know? The doubt. That maybe they're seeing something I can't see. But if someone like you can see that I'm not like that, I almost don't believe it." 

"That's a start, baby," Eijirou said gently, pulling back in to brush his nose against Katsuki's. "And I'll keep telling you every single day if I have to until you do believe it. I'll remind you of what I see. That I love you, I love your smile, I love everything about you, more than anything." 

Katsuki's hand came up to cup Eijirou's jaw; he kissed along it, soft and sure, mirroring the way Eijirou kissed him moments before. "I love you too." He whispered. He smiled. Really smiled, bright and real and all Eijirou's. Tears still clung to his lashes, a show that the words were still painful, still a fresh wound that had not yet closed over, but the genuine, unapologetic curve of his mouth reminded Eijirou just why he fell in love. "Even when you're being a sappy idiot." 

Eijirou grinned back. Because Katsuki was here, hurt but happy and smiling once more. "Now. How about we skip the restaurant? We've got spicy ramen in the dorms and also some of that caramel milk you like too. We can bring it up and sit in bed and watch that show we've been watching together. What do you say, Kats?" 

Katsuki huffed a quiet laugh, leaning his forehead against Eijirou's. Finally truly relaxed. "Sounds good...You better make that ramen fuckin' spicy though. Don't be goin' easy on me." 

"Wouldn't dream of it," Eijirou promised, shuffling them back until they were at the foot of the bed. Hands were still holding Katsuki tightly, still careful. "Extra spicy. Exactly how you like it." He paused, then continued, in a more serious tone, "And Katsuki?" 

"Mm?"

"Tomorrow, and the next day and the next, please smile however much you want to. And if anyone has a problem, I'll beat them up, okay? No one hurts my baby." 

Katsuki nodded, laughing as he let Eijirou pull him onto the bed, tuck himself close under the covers. Katsuki curled to him instantly, head resting on Eijirou's chest, his arm thrown heavy and possessive over his waist. Their legs tangled together, like they always were when they were alone.

Eijirou saw Katsuki smile - sleepily and full of content. Eijirou kissed it right off his face, but it only made it grow wider. 

He felt an overwhelming feeling of pride crash into him, because he knew what no one else would ever: Katsuki's smile.

The smile that was the prettiest in the whole world. 

Later, when the lights were low and the crappy TV show they had been binge-watching for weeks played quietly in the background, Katsuki shifted closer, mumbled something incomprehensible against Eijirou's shoulder, and then, a little louder, he asked, "You really think it's not scary?" 

Eijirou kissed his forehead. It didn't get annoying - the number of times Katsuki asked him. It would take a while for the wound to heal. "You're the kindest, bravest, smartest person I know. And the only person I ever want to be scary for is anyone stupid enough to hurt you." 

Katsuki was quiet for a long time, that he thought Katsuki might have fallen asleep. It was past his 8:30 bedtime after all. But Katsuki squeezed Eijirou's arm once. "Only you," He whispered, "Only ever you." 

And Eijirou knew then - whatever the world said, whatever cruel words were printed in fancy magazines, whatever ghosts lingered from the War, from Kamino, from any of Katsuki's hurt - they would face it together.

And one day, Katsuki would believe him when he said he had the prettiest smile.