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Eddie's not sure what he's expecting when the knock comes at 9pm on a Friday night. He didn't have a shift and Chris has been out of the house so Eddie's day had been, well, nothing really. He debated asking Buck if he wanted to do something mid day but he'd remembered Theo’s theory appointment followed by Buck's meeting with CPS, and thought better of it. No use in burdening his best friend.
That had been something he'd been thinking more lately. That he was a burden. Not in a bad way. No, he knew that Buck was still there for him and for Chris, would come when they called. But, that was why he had needed to take a small step back. Not because he wanted to but because he had to. Eddie needed to be there for Buck now, for Theo, not the other way around. It's the least he could do after years of Buck never asking a single question and just showing up every time Eddie needed something, no matter how small.
“Eddie!” The voice came as loud and insistent as the knock. “C'mon man, I forgot my key!”
“It's open!”
Eddie was still lounging on the couch, barely able to get up before Buck was standing in front of him, arms crossed and brow furrowed. He was dressed down, like he had come straight from relaxing in his own home, not even bothering to put on “outside” clothes before driving the 15 minutes to Eddie's front door. He was disheveled in a way he always was these days. Eddie doesn't miss the toddler stage. Sure, he missed some of it, but Theo is getting to the age that Chris was when Eddie had come home and he knows how difficult that was, how overwhelming it is to handle alone.
He's standing there in a tight T-shirt that's thread bare around the edges and grey sweat pants with frayed bottoms and a stain on the upper thigh that could be virtually anything, but Eddie isn't sure. By the time he lets his eyes roam back up to meet Buck's eyes, he realizes that the other man has been talking and he hasn't heard a single word.
“I just figured I should try harder, you know? If I'm going to date it needs to be more serious with Theo now. You get it right?”
And Eddie's head starts to spin. Because what? Dating? How'd they even get here? A few months ago Buck was barely holding himself together and didn't want to disrupt anything with Theo's placement, and now he's talking about dating again? And being serious? Giving Theo a second parental figure? Eddie shoves down the frustrated feelings that bubble up, because he–well– he maybe saw himself as another father figure for Theo, the same way he sees Buck as Chris’s other dad. But he understands at the same time. Buck has always wanted to be loved. To be wanted. Now there's double the Buckley to love, why wouldn't Buck want to try and settle down, be something more serious.
“Hold on!” He puts up a hand, effectively stopping his best friend's spiral. “Where is–”
“With Lisa.”
Right, Lisa. Theo's aunt and Connors sister. The one who didn't think that she could care for her nephew with her own three kids but still wanted to be involved. Buck hadn't understood originally, why she wouldn't take him. But it's been a good situation for all of them. Buck is so full of love, so wanting to give care. And Theo, well, he needs a lot of love and undivided attention. So visits with Lisa and Connor's parents have meshed with Buck's daily oversight and the 118s support to create one big unconventional family. Eddie loves it. It feels like everything he never got with Christopher until he met the 118, met Buck. But it still doesn't explain why Buck is standing here in Eddie's living room instead of getting some much needed and deserved rest in his own, far too expensive but quite frankly luxurious, bed.
“And you're here because…?” Eddie waves his hand around, gesturing to the room around them.
Buck just sighs and heads to the kitchen where he throws open the fridge and ruffles through. Eddie follows, because of course he does, and settles at the counter, watching as Buck's shirt rucks up in the back, miles of alabaster skin on display. Eddie tears his eyes away before he can do something stupid about it.
“Because I have a date!”
Oh. Oh. That hits Eddie square in the chest. But he shakes his head and clears the thoughts before they can fester. If Buck had ever–if there could have been– he stops thinking about it. Buck has a date and he was talking about being serious, being more than just a hookup for someone.
“With…” he prompts.
“A mom from Theos pre school. Name's Jessica. She uh–divorced last year and she has a little boy that's about Theo's age. I think it– I'm willing to try.”
Eddie leans forward against the counter, elbows hitting the cold granite like a shock. He's never seen Buck like this. He grabs a can of coke from the fridge and lets it close hard, rattling the magnets as he turns to prop himself on the opposite side of the counter. He's a mirror to Eddie's own position, the can sweating a ring of condensation onto the speckled countertop. He fidgets, his socked toes skidding against the tile as he shifts his weight from foot to foot. Eddie knows the tells. He's nervous.
“So where's the date?”
“You do listen,” Buck says with a shy smile as he pops the can open and takes a sip that's more like half the can in one go. “She asked me to go to a friend's wedding.”
“Oh okay. That's uh–”
“It's a lot,” Eddie surmises. “That's pretty serious stuff.”
Buck just shrugs. “I mean, I'm trying, you know? To be more than a hookup to someone.”
Eddie wants to scream, wants to pound his fists against the counter and yell until his voice is hoarse. Until Buck sees him, sees that he's always been more than a hookup to Eddie. In fact, long before Eddie ever saw him as attractive, even thought about the idea of them having sex–and yes, he'll admit at least to himself that he's thought about it– he saw Buck as his second half. As Chris’ other dad, another parental figure for his son who was so desperate for someone to swoop in and provide the support that Shannon has been unwilling and then unable to give. He doesn't blame her and never has, but he needed help and Buck had given that freely without asking for anything in return. And Eddie had fallen in love with him for it.
“I don't know how to dance.”
And Eddie may not be able to save his own heart, but he can do this. He can help. Maybe repay even a fraction of what Buck has given him for so many years.
“Well,” he steps around the counter, crowding a bit into Buck's space, “I think I can help with that.”
“Yea, that's why I showed up ‘Mr. Two Time All State Texas ballroom dance champion.”
Eddie can't help it, he smiles. In some ways he wishes he never told Buck about the ballroom dance, but he wouldn't trade the running for anything. He also wouldn't change the day they sat on the phone, Eddie grinning from ear to ear, telling Buck that Chris wanted to come home, wanted to be with him again.
“How'd you get through to your mom?” Buck had asked, genuinely curious after weeks of Eddie's concern about his mother and the struggle of bringing Chris back into his home. And so Eddie had told him, giving him the story and of course Buck had gotten caught up in the words “ballroom dancing,” and it had devolved, Eddie's heart seizing in his chest, wishing that Buck had been next to him on the couch, falling over him with a beer sloshing out of the bottle, instead of nearly 1,000 miles away.
“Ahhh so you're here for help now? Not a worthless skill now is it?” He stayed in safe territory, falling into teasing easily despite the way his heart felt like it wanted to rip out of his chest and run away to save itself from what Eddie was about to put it through.
Buck's eyes lit up. “You'd help though?”
“Of course, Buck.”
Eddie held out his left hand, fiddling with his phone with the other, clicking into the first Spotify playlist labeled “wedding dances.”
“Uh–n–now?”
Eddie just kept his hand extended, cocking his head like a challenge. “You're here now aren't you?” He doesn't mean for it to come out the way that it does, a little overly fond and a bit flirtatious, but he's not even sure if Buck notices. Although he does suck his head, a slight pink tint climbing up his cheeks as he takes Eddie's hand and pulls his body around the counter like it's second nature that he'd follow Eddie wherever he would lead.
“Alright,” he wrestles Buck's hands into place. One around his waist, placed carefully against the middle of his back and the other held in Eddie's own hand. It's a bastardized version of a waltz, but not many people really know how to truly dance anyway so he doesn't think it's truly a big deal. Buck just needs to know how to lead without stepping on this poor woman's toes and maybe impress her with a spin. In the meantime Eddie can just pretend this is everything he's ever wanted instead of the truth, which is that he'll do this in silence and watch as Buck moves on with someone else, letting some random woman take up all the space in Buck's life and fill all the holes that Eddie has spent years trying to fit himself into despite the fear that creeps up in him every time he thinks about it.
“This magic moment…”
The song filters through the kitchen on the tinny iPhone speaker. It's not very loud, but it's not like the house is either. It's just the two of them and the hum of Eddie's fridge and the passing of cars on the road every few minutes. It's just enough that they have to keep circling around the counter, Bucks head angled downward, brakes furrowed in concentration as he watches each step.
“Stop,” Eddie says softly, fingers lifting from Buck's shoulder to bully his chin upward. “Eyes on me. It's easier to just–just feel the music.”
“Sweeter than wine…”
After that it's natural. Buck leads a little clumsily but it's endearing, eyes locked into Eddie's as he mouths the words to the old Drifters song and Eddie tries not to imagine this as a first dance song. Tries not to imagine Buck in a tux and the kitchen around them fading into a banquet hall draped in beautiful linens and small, flickering fairy lights. He doubly tries not to think about Theo in a little suit that matches Buck and Chris in one that matches him, far too grown up to be the baby Eddie remembers cradling in the hospital just yesterday. It’s a vision. A mirage. One that Eddie desperately wants to cling to until the very last moment he can, knowing it's not anything that will ever come true.
“Softer than the summer night…”
“Everything I want I have…”
Buck leads Eddie around the counter one last time, fingers digging in at Eddie's hip as he tries a spin. The balance is bad but Eddie recovers easily, a little more practice and Buck would be perfect though. A true natural.
“...While your lips are close to mine.”
A turn back towards the fridge, Bucks body boxing him in.
“will last forever…”
Eddie looks at him, really looks. He's not used to allowing himself to look at Buck, to drink him in, at least not while he's looking back. He draws it out, looks Bucks body up and down, meets his eye as the last note of the song plays, the music beginning to fade.
“...till the end of time…”
There's rain pattering lightly against the window by the sink, darkness cloaking the small room in a way that it hadn't been just a few minutes ago. As the song fades, the next one not quite ready yet, Buck leans in. It's soft and almost experimental. Eddie has to lean in the rest of the way, letting their lips brush. It's small. Brief. Barely a touch. But it sends electric shocks through Eddie's body all the same. It's not everything he's imagined or wanted, but he can't help but chase Buck's lips a bit as the other man pulls back with a shell-shocked look on his face, pulling his hand back from Eddie's body like he’d been burned.
“I–god Eddie– I'm so–I’m sorry! I didn't –I–”
“Buck!”
But his best friend is already spiraling. He's already in the living room, leaving Eddie alone with his back against the fridge, missing the weight and warmth of Buck's hands on his body.
“Buck!” He tells again but Buck is already out the door, shows barely on his feet as he runs right out of Eddie's house and into the rain. And Eddie wants to laugh at every single stupid rom com the minute he throws himself out of the front door not even bothering with shoes.
It's not romantic, at least not the way the movies make it seem. The rain is heavy and cold, falling in fat, quick drops as it soaks him to the bone. His socks are squishy with a few steps and if Eddie were smart he'd go back inside and grab some shoes or a jacket, maybe even a jacket for Buck if he's feeling a little crazy. But, he knows that he can't let Buck leave his driveway. Can't let him drive away. So he gives up. He slothes through the pouring rain and lets it soak into every fiber of his being until he's standing face to face with Buck.
Buck who is shaking so badly that he can't get into his truck. He looks…beautiful. And maybe Eddie shouldn't think that considering his eyes are rimmed red and there's rainwater running down his face, blonde curls completely plastered to his forehead. He looks a little like a drowned rat or a dog in an spca commercial. Really, he just needs Sarah McLaughlin to start playing and it'd be perfect.
Eddie loves him. He's been teetering on the edge of that truth for months now, maybe even years. Consciously he's known since New Mexico. Since he knocked down every door and dragged his own broken and bleeding body through the desert for the hope to just gain closure. He was ready to move heaven and Earth just to bring back a body. He grappled with what that meant and he came out the other side knowing far more about himself than he'd thought possible before.
Then Buck had struggled, taking pain pills and needing support that meant Eddie couldn't make it about himself. Then there was the accident, Buck losing two friends in a horrifying and fast way. Then Athena and all of their lives hanging in the balance. By the time Eddie had healed enough he thought he might say something, might lay it all out…Buck had started to foster, and Eddie lost his nerve. But he loves their little family and he loves Buck and he won't let this walk right out of his life.
Not this time.
“Buck!”
The man in question turns, hands shaking as he finally gives up trying to get the driver's side unlocked. He looks up at Eddie and his eyes are soft and apologetic and as pained as they are loving and Eddie wants to kiss him. Actually kiss him. Properly.
“Look, Eddie,” Buck starts and Eddie takes a step forward, boxing Buck in and forcing his back against the cool, rain slick door. “I’m really sorry don’t–I don’t know what happened and I–I’m sorry.” He’s not even on the verge of tears anymore, there’s just fat drops falling down his face and mixing with the rainwater on his cheeks.
“And I know that I asked you to watch Theo tomorrow but I–I–you probably need time and that’s okay I can take him to Hen’s or Maddie’s and I–”
Eddie kisses him.
He knows there’s no getting through to Buck when he likes this. When his thoughts have spiraled and he thinks that he's destroyed everything good about his life in a single swoop. Eddie needs him to know, needs him to understand that this isn’t something that he’s running away from anymore. Eddie loves him and he has the sneaking suspicion now that Buck loves him too.
This kiss is different from the first. Starting with the fact that it’s an actual kiss, not just the tamest brush of lips. Eddie lurches forward, pressing his body into Buck’s and slotting their lips together in a desperate attempt to make his best friend shut up. His fingers find a home around the back of Buck’s neck and tangle up in the curls that have grown more unruly since Theo’s introduction into his life. It’s maybe almost out of regulation, but Eddie likes it and he’s always thought that Buck’s little acts of defiance were as attractive as they were annoying and this is no different. When they finally break a part, both gasping for air, Buck just blinks at him. For once in his life Evan Buckley has been stunned into complete silence and Eddie just smiles as he leans into Buck’s chest with a content sigh.
“Cancel your date,” he says quietly, the rain still falling around them, the sound ricocheting off the car that buck is still pressed against. “And let me watch your kid tomorrow, you need a haircut.”
Buck just laughs, bright and bubbly, shaking his head in disbelief. “Yea?”
“Yea,” Eddie says, a laugh of his own escaping from somewhere deep in his chest. “Now can we go inside? It’s a little cold out here.”
Buck just responded with another laugh, his head thrown back before leaning down again to steal another kiss, separating only to drag Eddie up the driveway and back through the front door.