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“Will you–will you marry me?”
In all of Evan Buckley’s life he hadn't really imagined a proposal let alone a marriage. He never thought he'd have the opportunity to get on one knee, gaze lovingly into someone's eyes and ask them to spend the rest of their life with him. Because everyone always left. Sure, some of them came back whether it was to rub their new lives in his face or they're forced to have something shift, something change forever between them–good or bad sometimes he can't really know–but the thing is…they always left at some point, even if the reason had nothing to do with Buck himself, even if they didn't truly have a choice in it at all.
But, that's the reason Buck had never seen himself on one knee. Because that meant love and connection and permanency in a way that Buck didn't think he could have, especially not with his best friend. Not with Eddie who was standing before him with soft hazel eyes and mouth ina perfect little “o” shape and a look of confusion and fondness that made Buck's heart squeeze violently in his chest.
For a moment, Eddie didn’t say anything, just kept staring with hazel eye flicking between Buck’s face and the simple white gold wedding band nestled into velvet between his fingers. Buck swallowed hoping that he hadn’t gone too far hadn't made this charade into something it wasn’t. Screwing it up before it even began. Classic Buck move.
“I–” he sniffed and tried to smile. “I know that we already decided and everything. And this doesn't change anything. I mean it does–well–legally I guess it changes a lot and I know that you don’t have to do this but–I uh– I didn't want this to start sitting at my kitchen table in front of a bunch of paperwork that I’ve been sobbing over for 6 hours. I want it–I–” he shrugged, pushing the ring box a little more towards Eddie as if daring the other man to take it. “I wanted to try and make it something special is all I’m trying to say.”
Eddie's expression softened just a bit as Buck continued to ramble.
“I’m so–I’m so appreciative of you wanting to do this so that we can keep Theo and he can–I know that this is kind of a big deal and a huge lie and we tell the kids not to do that but here we are and–you gotta– I just want you to know that if we have to do this I want to do it as right as I can because I don’t–you on’t deserve another awful marriage, Eds. I don’t wanna be the reason for that. I can’t–”
“Buck,” Eddie whispered with a small, fond smile playing at his lips. It was a little sad too and Buck understands why. They’d talked about it. About the idea that this meant that this would be Eddie’s second failed marriage one day, legally a man who couldn’t keep a relationship together, and how for Buck when it was all over, would mean he was divorced, having to explain to a man or woman in the future about a loveless marriage that he never truly wanted. Or, well… the more likely scenario would be Eddie talking about two loveless marriages that both ended tragically and Buck swallowing his pride and through gritted teeth trying to pretend that it was all loveless, that it was selfless and beautiful and for his son, but was always something that fulfilled some type of selfish fantasy of Buck’s that he could never have.
He’s kept a lock on that lid of that box for a long time and now he’s sitting on top as something inside tries to claw its way out, desperate to keep pretending that he and Eddie have always been and always will be nothing more than just best friends. Even if sometimes it feels like it must be more.
“I know it’s for Theo.” Now that he’s started talking he truly can't stop the words as they spew out into the limited space between them, his leg starting to cramp as he stays on the ground, his palm outstretched towards his best friends. “I know that this is for him and we’re not actually–”
He can't bring himself to finish the sentence.
We’re not actually in love.
It was supposed to be easy. A quick few signatures at the courthouse and a marriage license plopped down on Diedre's desk within the week, the two of them stating they’d been dating for years but knew they’d want to be together forever, and if getting married would bring Theo home then they’d move up their timeline. They would hold hands and kiss and play the part as long as they needed to, and once the ink was dry on the adoption certificate, they’d split. Amicably and with no hassle, going back to their usual lives. It would take a year in total, maybe two. But, by the end of it Theo would be Buck’s permanently and he and Eddie would simply have a few legal pieces of paper to throw in a safe in the back of their individual closets until they’d need them again one day for some type of mundane paperwork after checking the “divorced,” box on some type of form.
It would be easy, they’d agreed. They knew they loved each other. Of course they did. They’d said it a million times in a million different ways. They were best friends, each willing to do anything for the other. But, they weren’t in love and that was why thai was supposed to work. So, why did the idea of not actually having Eddie feel like sandpaper in Buck’s throat?
Something clawed at the lid of the box again and Buck squeezed his eyes tight, willing it back into submission, adding yet another lock and chain to keep things inside, to keep it all locked down.
“I’d marry you without Theo you know,” Eddie said quietly, looking down at Buck with those soft hazel eyes that screamed how much he would do for Buck. How much he cared. “I’d do anything you needed me to, man.”
It was the closest thing to a confession that Buck knows he’ll ever get. It’s the proof that Eddie loves him in his own way. Proof that he’ll do anything for Buck. A proof that he’s seen over and over again during the years of their friendship. It’ll never quite be the confession that Buck wants and he knows it. But he also knows that there is a deep love and care that his best friend has for him and the knowledge of that, the reminder, is the most that he needs. He won’t ask for more even if he wants to. He’ll simply hold onto what he can have and keep it close until he’s forced to let it go.
“I’ll always choose you Buck. You have to know that.”
Buck did. It’s why he knew he was making the right choice. Because this wasn’t just about an adoption certificate or because a judge would look more favorably upon a married couple than a single dad, but because the way Eddie looked at him was like he meant it. Like he understood Buck and would still stand by his side every time. He would always come if Buck called, no matter who else was in the room. It was Buck and Eddie against the world and staring into Eddie’s eyes, he knew that it would always be the right choice. Even if Eddie wasn’t making it for the full reasons Buck would… it was enough. It had to be.
“You can get off the ground.”
Buck smiled at that, laughing as he took the simple ring out of the box and grabbed for Eddie’s hand. “You didn’t answer my question, Diaz. I can’t get up until you say it.”
“Yes, Buck,” Eddie squeezed his hand, letting Buck slide the ring on. A perfect fit.
“Of course I’ll marry you.”
—
It had all started 3 weeks ago. 3 agonizing weeks when Didre had shown up on Buck’s front porch for an unscheduled visit. Buck had opened the door in an apron with flour in his hair, a stack of paperwork on his kitchen table, and a toddler making a mess on his living room floor with blocks and various action figures spread throughout the room around him. Theo had settled in nicely over the near year that he’d been living with Buck. The first few months had been hard with nightmares and panic attacks and crying for Connor and Kameron. There were nights Buck would sit on the floor next to his bed and sob himself to sleep once he knew that Theo had tired himself out. He spent hours on the phone with his sister and Eddie, trying to figure out how to get a picky 4 year old to eat his vegetables and what he should do when daycare called to say he had bitten another student.
Eddie had been the most helpful. Hen and Karen were great at talking him through the foster system and Maddie had shared the candid experience of what it had felt like to leave Jee for such a time, missing so many of her first moments, the same way that Buck missed Theo’s. It had left a gaping hole in his heart for a while until the idea had settled and he realized that in a few years it wouldn’t matter that Buck didn’t see his first steps. Because Buck would get to be there for the rest of it and hold up the mantle that his friends should have been there for. First dates, learning to drive, graduation… all of those things should be Connor in his place. He can forgive himself for missing the first 4 years.
It was Eddie that had truly made him feel at peace though. Eddie who had referred him to the child psychologist who saw Chris after Shannon’s death and the tsunami. Eddie who stayed up with him when Theo had the stomach bug and Buck had caught it too, sobbing over the phone about how he didn’t know how to care for both of them at the same time. Eddie who came to every social worker appointment to keep Buck calm in the face of the unknown. And it was Eddie who had opened up about helping reshape the life of a child who had faced death and trauma far too early in their little lives, helping Buck learn more about how to support Theo and give him what he needed.
Under Buck’s care he had flourished and in true Buckley fashion–even though Theo didn’t share the name– the little one had fallen head over heels for Eddie. Eddie was Theo’s favorite person. The one who spoke in Spanish phrases the way his dad had or who would give him piggy back rides around the backyard when Buck’s leg felt halfway to giving out. The one who was there day after day showing up for Buck the way that Buck had shown up for Eddie so many years ago. He wonders sometimes if the level of gratefulness and relief was the same type that Eddie felt that day Buck drove him to the school after the earthquake or when he’d referred Carla. He hopes so. He hopes that Eddie had felt as cared for as Buck did over the course of the last year.
Of course, Eddie wasn’t there when Diedre stepped through the door 3 weeks ago carrying a thick stack of paperwork and a frown that could only mean that something wasn’t’ quite right.
“Whats wrong?”
Diedre had simply slid the envelope over to him and explained in very official and clinical terms that Theo’s aunt, Connor’s younger sister, had stepped forward with a custody petition. She and her husband lived in Oregon and had been out of the country when Connor and Kameron had been in the accident. It took them a few months to get their affairs in order and after speaking with a lawyer had apparently decided to try for custody, stating the intent to raise their nephew in Oregon, in a new place completely void of his friends and any memory of his mom and dad.
Buck hated it. Not that she existed, of course but that fact that it had taken so long. Buck didn’t even know that Connor had a sister. In all the years they had known each other he’d only spoken a few sentences about his family, all fairly estranged and living somewhere that Connor had never really confirmed. So, he hated it on principle. Hated that a woman he’d never met that his friend had never mentioned was filing a petition to remove Theo from a place he was thriving after nearly a full year.
“Okay so,” Buck had taken a sip of water, looking down at the pages in his hand with an attitude of defiance. “How do I fight this?”
“Mr, Buckley.”
“No,” Buck insisted again. “Tell me everything. I need to know and I want to fight this. He’s settled here and I–I know that things can come up but he’s been here a year and he’s doing–he’s–he’s so good.I’m not just going to hand him over to a stranger.”
“She’s not a stranger,” Didere reminded him gently. “It’s his family. It’s the next of kin that we have to look for and give an option to if possible. They’re a lovely couple with all the resources he needs. The judge may look favorably on their petition and there’s very little you can do here.”
“I’ve been his foster father for a year.”
“I know.”
“He–he’s settled here.”
“I know.”
Buck swallowed hard, changing a glance over to the living room where the boy in question was still playing with the tows strew across the floor, blissfully unaware of what was occurring just feet away. “He’s happy.”
“I know.”
Somehow that made it worse, because Buck knew that she did. That she knew that Teo had been thriving. She did this every day, not just for him but for hundreds of kids all over the greater LA area. She watched families be torn apart and stitched back together over and over again. Buck’s not sure he could do it. He barely thinks about experiencing it once let alone seeing it happen to family after family without losing his own sanity.
“They’re going to take into account the totality of the circumstance,” Didere finally said, forcing Buck to take his eyes off of Theo.
“Which means?”
She just sighed. “They’re going to look at continuity of care, family support, financial dependability, and the idea of long term placement.”
“And I have all of that.”
“You have a demanding career, Mr Buckley,” she continued.
“So does half of LA!”
“You’re a firefighter,” she ignored his outburst. “You have a demanding schedule and you work in a dangerous field. There’s going to be questions that I don’t know if you're prepared for.”
“Like…?”
Diedre pointed to a list halfway down the second page of the files still clutched tightly in Buck’s fist, the stock paper crunching under his fingertips.
“If you are sick or injured who would be caring for Theo during those times since you live alone? If you were to be killed in the line of duty would there be a realistic guardian or would he return to foster care? When you’re working 48 hours shifts, who is raising him? Is he being left with respite workers or babysitters since your familial support also works with you at the 118 or in a similar career field? Who makes the decisions for him if something were to happen to you? Anything at all… temporary or permanent.”
Buck just gaped at her. He had people. The whole 118 and Maddie. Athena would take Theo in during an emergency without hesitation. So would Tia Pepa. She had gotten used to all the family kids growing up and had been delighted when Eddie had told her about Theo’s foster placement with Buck. Then there was Eddie. Eddie who would do anything without asking. Eddie who had placed Buck in his own will 7 years ago, dropping that bomb in Buck’s lap after one of the worst days of his life. He had people but he saw the way Diere shook her head before he could even try to start listing people.
“Your sister is a fantastic help, but friends are not considered a strong support system in the eyes of the law. Especially when you are up against a stable couple with the funds to care for a child with a significant trauma history and a familial support system to back them up. I know that you and your friends, especially Mr. Diaz, love The, but a traditional family system with stronger support than what you can currently offer him may be what the judge thinks is more helpful in this case.”
The rest of the time passed in a blur. They sat together at the table, Buck signing and initialing paperwork stating he was spoken to and understood what was happening. They talked about court dates and timing. The fact that he’d have to drop Theo off at a courthouse day in a week so he could have a private but court supervised visit with his aunt and uncle. Buck wasn’t allowed to be there to allow them to strengthen their bond and the idea of leaving his son (not his son yet his brain unhelpfully reminded him) with strangers made him feel sick. And when she finally left, apologizing one more time before Buck closed the door behind her, the first call he made was to Eddie.
The plan had hatched from there. Eddie spent hours pouring over options, calling his lawyer, and trying to find a way out of the mess that had been created around them.
“Marry me.”
Buck blinked from where he was cutting up chicken tenders for Theo’s dinner. “I’m sorry what?”
“Marry me,” Eddie said again, eyes still trained on the laptop in front of him. “I mean–not–” he stumbled over the words, flush high on his cheeks when he finally realized what he had said. “Not like that I mean–legally.”
“That is not how you you start a sentence, Eddie!”
The other man just rolled his eyes. “The biggest issue with you fighting his aunt is that she’s married and has a support system for him that isn’t just friends. They don’t think you have a system”
“So?”
“So the answer is to stop being a single parent.”
“You–” Buck blinked again, words barely able to form as his brain truly put the pieces together. Eddie was offering to marry him? To sign a legal piece of paper making himself Buck’s husband so that Theo could stay with him–with them. With their unconventional but beautiful little found family. “You want to marry me?”
“I want Theo to stay with you,” Eddie corrected.
“By marrying me.”
Eddie just nodded.
“You’d marry me just so we could adopt Theo. Together. So I could keep him.”
“Yes.”
“Eddie.”
Eddie laughed, a small chuckle that to anyone else would seem normal but that Buck knew paired with the blush till coloring the apples of his cheeks, he was feeling the embarrassment creep in. “Don’t make it weird.”
“I don’t think my best friend asking me to marry him can be un-weird!”
They talked for hours after that, planning for every inevitability. Crafting their back story and what they’d tell Diedre. What they’d tell their friends and family. What they’d tell Christopher especially. They thought about crafting new wills and POAs before they even walked down the metaphorical aisle, trading their fears and worries about the system and what would happen if they went through all thai and it didn’t work. When Theo was sound asleep and the neighborhood was quiet, Eddie looked over at him with a genuine smile.
“I think this is–we can make this believable.”
“You think?”
Eddie just smiled wider, throwing his arm over Buck and pulling him close. “You're going to make an honest man out of me, Evan Buckley?”
—
After the formal proposal they practiced. Sure, they were tactile with each other already but things like holding hands or a soft kiss traded here or there were far beyond anything they had done with each other. Buck was impressed how quickly Eddie fell into it all and how much he seemed to enjoy it, moving them all under one roof, at least temporarily and falling into a role of husband seamlessly while buck felt that he was still trying to find his foot on uneven ground.
“Can you hand me Theo’s pajamas, babe?” Was the first time that Buck had truly felt unmoored during the entire “relationship.” He’d been standing in the doorway of Theo’s bedroom watching as Eddie finished toweling off his hair, running a little bit of curl cream through the still dampy strands. He’d looked up, seen Buck watching, and simply said it. Like it was the most natural thing in the world. Buck supposed it was. They were living as a couple while waiting for the courthouse to call and schedule them a wedding date, caring for two kids and pretending to everyone like they had always been very much in love and wanted to finally make it truly official.
Buck had wordlessly handed over the pajamas, a set that had belonged to Chris once–red pants and a slightly oversized gray shirt with spiderman etched onto the front. His fingers had grazed over Eddie’s as he passed them over, the cotton making a poor barrier between them. Buck stared at the ring on Eddie’s finger, watching as he unfolded the pajamas with ease, helping Theo into them while letting the toddler keep chatting about his trip to the aquarium with his day care class.
“You okay, Buck?”
He pulled his attention away from Eddie’s fingers and gave him an attempt at a smile.
“I’m perfect.”
And he found that as much as the vision in front of him hurt,knowing that it wasn’t real yet desperately wanted it to be… Buck found that he was.
Perfect.
—
“For the affidavit we’ll need to record your story."
“I’m sorry,” Eddie’s hand slid into his instinctively and Buck bit back a smile. “What story?”
Diedre raised an eyebrow. “Of how this happened. Last time I was here I was under the impression that you were single and now you’re telling me that you and Mr. Diaz have been in a relationship this entire time and you just neglected to mention it?”
“You asked if I had a spouse,” Buck is quick to remind her, trying to ensure that she can’t keep insinuating that their relationship is anything but genuine. “We’ve been together for almost 7 years now.” the words feel wrong but also oh so right. They’d already made plans for what to say if they asked about any of their previous significant others over the last few years and they’d chosen the shooting as their origin story.
“I was shot in the middle of downtown,” Eddie starts. Exactly as they had practiced. “Buck pulled me to safety and when I woke up in the hospital he was the only person I wanted to see. Worst day of my life. I’m bleeding out and thinking I’m going to die and the last thing that goes through my head is how I’m never going to see Buck again.”
Buck blinks back tears. While the details may not be fully true, even just thinking of the shooting even so many years later made him uncomfortable. The idea of living without Eddie was almost unfathomable. And although maybe it hadn’t ended in a declaration of eternal love. But, it had ended with Buck being added to Eddie’s will and started making him want to change, want to be better. For Eddie. For Chris. Now… for Theo too.
“We uh–” Buck coughs wetly, letting Eddie squeeze his hand under the table. “We were off and on for a few years, just trying to figure it out. Eddie has Chris–his uh–his son from his first marriage. She isn’t uhm–she passed back in 2018 and helping care for Chris really just–it brought us together.”
By the time he was letting the world come back to him Buck could see that Eddie’s eyes were also a little misty and Didere didn’t look unaffected either where she was typing feverishly on her state-issued laptop.
“You two are weird,” Chris’ voice floated in from the living room and all three adults looked up to see Chris leaning against the door. “Hi Ms Diedre. Did you still want to talk to me?”
The case worker smiled as she shooed Buck and Eddie from the table. “Of course, sweetheart. I just have a few questions about your dads.”
Buck’s heart jumped three feet in his chest at that.
—
The ring became a problem after about a month. The simple little thing sitting on Eddie's finger like a prize. He'd even gone as far as to find a rubber band for work, tossing Buck one at the station about 3 weeks into their “engagement.”
“Thoguht you'd want one too.”
Buck had taken it in shaky fingers, slipping it on without comment. It felt foreign for the first part of his shift and he wondered how Eddie had so easily adapted to that little piece of silicone that wrapped around his finger like a vice grip. It’s a constant reminder, a brand almost. It told the world that he was kept. And although no one on scene knew that Eddie was supposed to be the one who had him, it was still there in a way that nothing ever had been before. And Buck found that he liked it. Not just because it was the promise of someone staying, of someone choosing him to promise forever, but because it was Eddie.
The realization of how much he wanted that was terrifying. Because it was the brutal reality that could come crashing down on him when he couldn't keep it in anymore. He wanted to be eddies and be kept by Eddie in every possible way. The ring on his finger wasn't just a symbol of being able to keep his child but was the example of everything he'd ever wanted and everything he wanted to keep hold of, despite the fact that it was all a lie.
Well, not a complete lie. He knew that Eddie loved him. Just apparently not in the way Buck wanted him to.
It was all for Theo. He reminded himself daily. He'd do anything, even break his own heart, to keep that little boy happy.
—
“We need to talk.”
Bucks can’t help it when his entire body tenses. It's the words that you never want to hear, especially just days shy of a wedding no matter how much of a sham it is. He swallows down his fear and squares his shoulders from where he stands at the kitchen counter, turning to face his best friend in the doorway. “Okay.”
Eddie steps forward to set a plastic bag of toilet paper and apple juice on the counter. “For uh– I used the last of the stuff here when Chris and I stayed last week.” He nods towards the bag but doesn’t wait for Buck to respond before he keeps talking. “But when we were there the cashier–uhm you uh–you know Chrissy?”
“Yea,” Buck nods again, not trusting the way that the words slice into his throat as he speaks. “Blonde hair? I think she’s like 16. Good kid.”
Eddie hums in agreement but doesn’t seem to really be paying attention to anything other than the spot on the counter he keeps staring into. “She uh–she asked about you. And I realized that I–” A deep sigh.
“I realized that it was so–so natural the way that I was talking to her and I–i–Buck–”
The name comes out strangled and unsure, Eddie finally looking up to catch Buck’s eyes as he did. Looking at him, Buck realizes that he looks scared. Terrified. There is something behind his eyes that Buck recognizes from his own exhausted face staring back at him in the mirror.
“Say it,” Buck says, taking a step from around the counter to stand in front of Eddie and removing the barriers between them. “Just–Say it, Eds.”
“I–”
“Eddie. You need to be the one to say it.”
Eddie shuffles his foot against the kitchen tile as strangled sound claws its way out of his throat. “I want–”
Buck takes another step, the space between them fading to mere centimeters. He could lean forward just a little bit more and their noses would brush, and he wonders if he’s reading it all wrong. But, Eddie doesn’t move. He just keeps staring, his mouth opening and closing like he’s trying to force the words out. And maybe Buck is wrong. Maybe Eddie isn’t feeling what he is. But there’s something else. Louder. More insistent. It says that buck is right. That there’s more here.
They just have to make it to the other side.
“Eddie,” he says again, feeling the way that Eddie’s breath is warm and shaky against his face. “Please. You’re not gonna–you won’t ruin anything. I promise.”
Eddie closes his eyes against tears that Buck can see building there, taking a deep breath again before he whispers so quietly that he almost can’t be heard. “I think–I’m–I’m in love with you.”
Buck kisses him. He just leans in, closing the small distance that was still between them before Eddie could try to over explain himself or take it back. It was just a small press of lips, a breathless little hesitation and touch of skin. Eddie tasted a little like spearmint gum and something that was just so uniquely him and Buck wanted to keep melting into it. If given the option, Buck knows that he would let this go on forever. Just the two of them standing in Buck’s kitchen with grocery bags on the counter and dinner still in the oven.
“I love you too,” he says when they oth pull back to breath, foreheads pressed together. “Just so you know.”
“Marry me,” Eddie says after a minute and Buck blinks at him. “Acatully, I mean. Just–marry me. For real.”
Buck laughs and leans in again. “Yea, Eddie,” he says and he finds that it’s everything he’s ever wanted. “The answer will always be yes.”