Archive of Our Own

Wile E stared down at the phone in his hands, eyes wide as his mouth was open in disbelief. He was just asked out on a date. A real date. 

It took only a second longer for him to process before he was calling Kevin. He realized as soon as he picked up that this was a mistake. Not because he didn’t want to tell him, but well. He couldn’t exactly see the signs over the phone. “Wile E, hello? You know I can’t read signs through the phone, right?” Kevin answered, already cracking jokes about the problem at hand. “Look- I can do a video call, give me a minute-“ Wile E moved the phone from his ear as he stared at the screen, quickly pressing the accept button as soon as it prompted him to. He watched as Kevin appeared on his screen a second later, seeming to be sat in his motel room.  

“Wile E, you are too close to the screen. Back up a bit, I won’t be able to read your signs.” He nodded as he quickly set up the phone, balancing it on his desk as he began to run around his cave a bit, writing even quicker. “Are you okay? You’ve never called me, you seem to prefer texting. Probably because well.. you don’t really talk.” Wile E had his signs ready, making sure they were in frame perfectly for Kevin to read.

[ GOT A CALL FROM BUGS. ] He flipped it quick, 

[ HE ASKED ME ON A DATE TOMORROW!!! ] He shook this one, to really emphasize it.

[ HELP ME. PLEASE. ]

“Holy shit. What- Congrats! Wait, where are you going? Oh my god, I wasn’t ready for this.” Kevin sat up straight as he stammered out all his words, his eyes wide but his smile even wider. Wile E quickly answered, his sign saying they were just going to the diner he had been to with him and Paige. “Oh, that’s good. A more casual first date is always the right move, fancy restaurants are scary for a first date- Wait, is he paying or are you? Usually the one who asks pays but uh, I don’t know if toons have a different culture with that.”

Wile E shrugged his shoulders as his ears drooped and Kevin sighed a bit, yet he was still smiling. “Look, it’s probably the same as humans but just in case? I’ll lend you a bit of money. No, you can’t refuse it! The diner food isn’t that expensive anyways, it’s fine. I want your date to go well.” Wile E deflated a bit as Kevin shut down any argument, just raising a sign with a tiny thank you written on it. “Of course. Do you have any questions or advice you want? I’m a bit rusty I admit, but you called me instead of Paige for a reason.”

That is true. Paige gave amazing advice and was a great listener, but Kevin was.. Kevin. Wile E related to Kevin in a lot of ways, so it felt easier to talk with him. Paige was too fast, too put together. Kevin was just as much of a mess as him, he too would probably be clueless if asked on a date suddenly. He grabbed his sign and began to write on it quickly, lifting it up to him.

[ DO I WEAR ANYTHING? WHAT DO I SAY TO HIM? ]

“Wear anything? I mean, clothing is optional for toons, yeah? In my professional opinion.. I think Bugs likes you just the way you are and wouldn’t be expecting you to put on a suit or something, not for a first date like this. Maybe you should comb out your fur a bit though.” Wile E looked at him, blanking. “No comb? Of course not- Alright, I’ll help you with that before the date. As for what to say.. I mean, just be yourself, Wile E. He likes you for you, doesn’t he?” 

Wile E felt like that was a trick question. He nervously tapped his claws against the desk, his lips turning into a bit of a pout. “The answer is yes, Wile E. He wouldn’t have invited you out if he didn’t like you. It’s just like a normal friendly hangout, just with some more hand holding I’m guessing.” Wile E blushed as he crossed his arms over his chest, sinking down out of frame. Kevin’s laughter cut through the phone as Wike E basically deflated onto the ground, just holding up a sign just barely in frame.

[ I’VE NEVER BEEN ON A DATE. ]

“Yeah, I assumed that was the case. Hey, not that it’s a bad thing! We all go about life differently. But it’s not that scary, especially with someone you already know. Some people go on dates with people they’ve never met before in their life.” Wile E shot up into a sitting position at that, his eyes just barely poked through at the bottom of the screen as they bulged out in shock. “I know, I agree! But really, everything will be okay.” Wile E still felt hesitant but got up anyway, offering one last sign.

[ THANK YOU. ]

“Hey, what are friends for? I only want the best for you, we’ll make sure this date goes perfectly, okay?” Kevin promised and Wile E nodded his head, even if he wasn’t sure. Yet the way Kevin was confident about this all? Maybe it was getting to him too, maybe it would all be okay. 

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When Paige had agreed to help the Road Runner make sure Wile E and Bugs weren’t going to be a couple, she thought this would be a many weeks' process. Which was fine, that gave her plenty of time to scheme. What she didn’t expect was a call a few days later from her uncle when she was trying to watch TV. “Hello?” She asked cheerfully as she sat on her couch, not expecting the next words out of his mouth.

“Wile E has a date with Bugs tomorrow.” Paige shot up from her couch, instantly screeching out a ‘what’ into the phone. “I know! He just told me, it was so sudden- He’s really nervous about it, Paige.” Her jaw dropped, her mind swirling around. On one hand, she was so happy for him but on another, this was actually bad news. She quickly turned off her TV as she began to stumble around her apartment, knowing she needed to go and see the Road Runner right now. 

“Oh my god- When? Where? Who asked who?” She quickly asked in succession as she shoved some shoes on her feet, grabbing her keys. She hoped Kevin couldn’t hear the fact she was frantically moving around, locking her door behind her as she sprinted down the stairs of her apartment building. The elevator would take too long, she was kinda in a rush here. 

“Bugs asked Wile E, they’re going to that diner Wile E liked a lot. I believe they’re going around three, to beat any of the lunch or dinner crowds. It also gives me plenty of time to help him get ready in the morning, I just know that’ll be a fun process.” Kevin laughed a bit dryly, Paige grinning a bit at the mental image.

“Wait, he’s getting ready at your place?” She asked and he confirmed, saying he was going to attempt to brush out his whole body. “Oof, good luck. He may need a bath first, that motel bathroom is going to be trashed.” Kevin grimaced as he said he was worried about that, already planning on going out to get some stuff for this. Toon shampoos and maybe some of his own towels, just in case he needed it. “Aw, you really want him to look his best.” Paige teased as she unlocked her car, quickly getting into it. 

“Well, yeah. He told me he’s never been on a date before, this might be the first time he’s ever felt like this about anyone.” Paige paused as she listened to his words, her keys in the ignition as she hesitated to start her car. A wave of guilt went through her upon hearing that, chewing her lip slightly. Was she doing the right thing here? Though if she backed out now though, she’d lose the trust of the Road Runner. The two of them were bonding and she really liked him, she couldn’t turn her back on him now. Screw it.

“That’s cute.. Sorry, I gotta let you go- But keep me updated on the state of your bathroom after trying to bathe Wile E!” She joked as Kevin groaned, saying he’d need to buy a tarp to put down. She laughed as she wished him goodbye, staring down at her phone after hanging up. Okay, she was doing this. Finally starting her car and buckling herself in, she knew she would have to brainstorm while on the way to the desert. Lucky for her, she loved to do that.

By the time she arrived, she had maybe five different ideas. That wasn’t even including his input, so really the sky was the limit. She parked her car as she got out, smiling as she looked around. Last time she was here, the Road Runner actually showed her where his nest was. It was cute, a little fenced in burrow of sorts. It made it easier for them to meet up, as she could just walk there and wait for him. He always seemed to stop there many times in the day, which worked perfectly. She was quick to walk towards it, letting out a slow breath. 

It was kinda scary to be the one to break the news to him. Of course, the Road Runner would never harm her but still! It’s not great to find out your love is with another. She couldn’t imagine being in his place, it must be awful. As she approached the fence surrounding his little home, Paige was surprised to see the Road Runner actually already in the front yard. “Oh! Hello, Roadie!” She called out cheerfully as she went through the gate, watching as he turned to her. He seemed to be currently tending to his garden, which was utterly adorable. Being what was basically a homeowner with a small garden in the middle of the desert? Ugh, he really was living the dream life. He beeped happily as he smiled at her, Paige meeting his gaze.

Well, she couldn’t beat around the bush about this. “We have a problem, unfortunately. Bugs made a move and-” She squeaked as the Road Runner instantly shot up next to her, staring at her with wide eyes. “God, you scared me!” He seemed apologetic as he beeped out what she could only assume to be an apology, waving a hand at him. “No, it’s fine. But.. Bugs and Wile E have a date tomorrow.” A squawk came from the bird, his eyes wide as his beak opened. He quickly raised a sign, it being underlined for emphasis.

[ WHAT??? ]

“I know! But Kevin told me when and where it will be. So if we show up, maybe we can do something. I thought about a lot of ways we can do this and all of them start with fun disguises.” She was very excited about the disguises, it would be like they were in a spy movie. Or maybe a buddy cop movie, she thinks the Road Runner would be a great bad cop to her good. “Are you with me?” 

She stared at him as he thought for a moment, a slow smiling growing on his face as he nodded. Paige let out a bit of a hoot as she clapped her hands together, grinning a bit. “Alright, let me tell you every single plan I thought of, I need your help making this all go perfectly.”

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Wile E has never been cleaner in his life and all it took was absolutely ruining Kevin’s bathroom. Well, no. It wasn’t ruined- Wile E tried his best to not seriously damage anything in the motel, he already got chewed out for the mess he had made in his own motel room post trial. However, he couldn’t help it when it came to non-serious damage. That was now the reason Wile E and Kevin ended up on their hands and knees, having to clean up both water and shampoo from basically everywhere. Not to mention the fur, that too was everywhere.

Kevin wad grumbling a bit but otherwise seemed calm. “You know, it could’ve been worse.” Kevin had sighed as he looked around, happy to have finally finished cleaning. “You actually handled the combing part really well.” Wile E huffed a bit as a sign raised, giving Kevin a bit of a stink eye.

[ I CAN HANDLE A COMB. ] A quick flip,

[ EVEN IF YOU ARE TOO ROUGH WITH IT ]

“No- Your fur is too coarse! You need to care for it more, then it won’t be so bad when you do brush it.” Kevin quickly argued and Wile E rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. “But.. If I can say it, you do clean up nicely.” Wile E glanced at himself in the bathroom mirror, silently admiring himself. 

His fur was soft and clean, he had no insects under his fur to worry about. Not to mention he smelled nice, thanks to the shampoo and also the cologne Kevin sprayed him with. It took some convincing for him to agree, Kevin saying it had a kind of earthy smell to it. “Almost like carrots..” He whistled with an innocent smile on his lips.

He eyed Kevin suspiciously at that, eyebrows raising as if to ask why on earth he had something that smelled like that. Yet he let himself get spritz anyway, secretly enjoying the smell. This whole thing took way longer than Wile E thought but clearly Kevin accounted for it, having finished over half an hour before he was suppose to meet Bugs. “Want to get there early? Calm some nerves first?” Kevin had offered and Wile E quickly agreed, preferring to be early instead of late for something this important.

As Kevin drove him to the diner, Wile E was having a hard time staying still in his seat. “Wile E, come on. You and Bugs go way back, this isn’t going to be that scary.” Kevin promised him, shooting him a smile. “I know you’re not really a social guy, I can relate, but everything will be okay. If it helps, just pretend you’re at lunch with a friend.” Wile E let out a sigh as he sank lower into the seat, holding up a sign.

[ I’M NOT IMAGINING YOU WHILE I’M ON A DATE. ]

“Whoa now, no one said it had to be me!” He laughed as he turned into the parking lot, shaking his head. “I meant it like.. Just be yourself, everything will be fine.” Kevin parked out front as he looked at him, noting that Wile E was now basically in the footwell. “We’re all rooting for you, Wile E.” Kevin watched as he slowly climbed back up to his seat, hesitating a bit before raising a sign.

[ THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. ]

Kevin smiled at him and opened his mouth, getting caught off by arms reaching over. He was surprised as Wile E suddenly reached over and hugged him, not giving Kevin a chance to react before already pulling away. Then in a blink of an eye, he was exiting the car. “Hey- Won’t even let me hug back? Fine! Do you have the money?” Wile E only paused once to check in his hammer space, giving Kevin a thumbs up. “Good! Enjoy your date!” Kevin called over as he honked the horn, Wile E shooting him a glare as he flushed. Kevin just grinned back as Wile E slammed the car door, moving over to the diner. He was early and he knew it, but he wanted to save a spot. And as Kevin suggested, calm his nerves.

He quickly took a seat in a booth near the front, his leg bouncing beneath the table. Was he a bit too early, was that weird? He jumped a bit as a woman spoke to him, quickly looking at her. A server here, of course. “Hi, I’m Abby and I’ll be your server today! Would you like to start with some drinks?” She asked cheerfully as she dropped a menu in front of him and he was quick to raise a sign,

[ WAITING FOR SOMEONE ]

“Of course, no worries! Feel free to wave someone over whenever they arrive.” She seemed bubbly, maybe a bit like Paige. A human woman too, though this place tended to have humans and toons work there. A part of him had hoped it was a human who served them, lest the gossip of their date didn’t spread from toon to toon. It was a little embarrassing to have your first date at his age, but he couldn’t dwell on it. He kept his eyes a bit down, not paying attention as people came and went from the diner. Nothing was going to get him to look up. Well, except maybe one thing. 

The bell chimed and this time it was different, Wile E being quick to look up. Walking in and looking around a bit was Bugs. Wile E instantly sat up straighter and raised a hand a bit, offering a wave when Bugs saw him. He wasn’t wearing the jacket anymore, so he just looked like regular ole Bugs Bunny. Okay, Wile E made the right choice to not show up in clothes for once. Bugs smiled as he scooted in across from him, also seeming a bit nervous. Good, it wasn’t just him. “Hey, Wile E. Nice to see you again.” Bugs offered with a smile and Wile E opened his mouth, just as quickly closing it.

Oh. He hadn’t thought this part through. He spoke to Bugs when they were alone, but they weren’t alone now. They were surrounded by people, humans and toons. He internally panicked and Bugs raised a hand, shaking his head. “I figured- If you want to only use signs, that’s fine by me. Whichever you want, Wile E.” He said it so sincerely and Wile E smiled at him, yet his stomach churned a bit. 

This was a rash choice, yet he made it anyway. He opened his mouth again. “I.. think I’ll speak when it’s just us, so not to our waitress or anything. It’s just us here really, so it’s fine.” Wile E still felt awkward as he said it and Bugs beamed, quickly adding that he didn’t have to push himself to do this if he didn’t want to. “I know, but I do want to.” Bugs rested his elbow on the table as he held his face, admiring Wile E briefly. 

The same waitress appeared just a moment later, dropping a menu in front of Bugs with a smile. “I’ll let you two think for a moment, can I get some drinks started?” She spoke in a way that made Wile E think she woke up happy every day, Bugs just ordering water. He gave him a look and Wile E nodded, Bugs ordering him one too. “Perfect! I’ll be right back with them.” She was gone as soon as she was here, which left the two of them. 

Bugs seemed to hesitate for a moment before speaking, “So, how has it been post your little rise to fame? Everything back to normal?” He asked and Wile E thought for a moment, offering a shrug.

“Define normal? Because I think my life’s even more confusing now.” He admitted and Bugs laughed, saying he expected as much. “I don’t know how you handle being in the spotlight so often, everyone knows you and a lot about you.” He admitted and Bugs gave a bit of a lazy smile, tapping his fingers against the table. 

“Sure, I know a lot of people. But how many of them actually know me? I think they just know of me.” Bugs shot back, much to Wile E’s surprise. “I can count maybe three.” Wile E bit the inside of his cheek, mentally wondering if he should ask the question that popped into his head.

His curiosity beat any logic he may have had. “Well, am I one of the three?” He wondered and noticed the grin perk up on Bugs face, leaning a bit away as he laughed. 

“I guess you’ve snuck your way onto the list, yes.” He sighed out in a teasing way, both of them just grinning at each other. The waters were placed before them as the waitress pulled out her pad of paper, asking what they’d like. Wile E had looked over the menu a thousand times yet still felt put on the spot, meanwhile Bugs barely glanced at it and answered in such a relaxed way. “I’ll take an order of the pancakes with a side of home fries, thanks.” 

Wile E felt small when she looked at him, offering a sign instead of speaking to her.

[ TWO CHICKEN BURGERS, ] A quick flip,

[ THANK YOU. ]

“Perfect! We’ll have those back for you two in just a sec.” She smiled at them before stepping away to the kitchen, Bugs giving him a bit of a smile. He leaned over the table just slightly, getting just a bit more closer to him as he spoke.

“Be honest, would you have ordered rabbit if it was an option?” Bugs asked in a quieter voice and Wile E’s jaw dropped down, smacking the table with a thud. He quickly picked it back up as he flushed, Bugs leaning away with laughter. “Or am I officially off the eating table now?”

Wile E lowered his ears a bit as he stared at him, knowing that Bugs was just messing with him. He hoped at least. “Well, I don’t know yet. Maybe we’ll see how the date goes and then I’ll give you an answer, little friend.” He shot back in his coy voice and Bugs giggled, though Wile E noted the bit of red on his cheeks. Maybe he still had it, the suaveness he used to always possess. Only time would tell.

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Paige couldn’t believe what she was hearing, seeing, or doing. It all started about twenty minutes ago when her and the Road Runner snuck into the diner. She was shocked to see Wile E already in there and they quickly moved over to a seat far in the corner, hoping to not be spotted. Obviously they wouldn’t though, not with their disguises. She was sporting a fancy trenchcoat with huge sunglasses and floppy sun hat, which hid her perfectly. It’s a bit harder to hide Roadie but she managed, giving him a cute sports jacket and a beanie to hide his big tuff of feathers on his head. Oh, and sunglasses too. All good spy movies had them wearing sunglasses.

They had newspapers too and hid behind them, peaking out whenever they could. Paige ordered a coffee for herself and a lactose free milkshake for Roadie, just so they wouldn’t get kicked out for loitering. Now it was perfect. She had to admit, it took a while to agree on a plan. She knew Road Runner was a toon and well, toons had creative plans, but she reminded him they didn’t want to hurt Bugs. Just ruin the date. He didn’t seem to love that but he eventually agreed with her plan, now here they were. 

It was a few simple things that added up, a fool proof four step plan. Step one, get rid of their waitress. Okay, that made it sound like they were gonna kill her. No, just make sure she doesn’t return. If they had bad service, that was a downer on the date. The Road Runner had suggested he could get rid of her but she nixed that idea, saying it was too violent. Instead of that, Paige had spent hours yesterday finding out details about everyone who worked at this exact diner. This place had a cult following in their city and posted a lot about the staff too, it was easy to track down names. Mostly the names of family members. 

But Paige couldn’t do anything about it here, in front of the waitress. No, of course not. That’s where Sal came in. Yes, she had phoned him and begged him to do this for her. And yes, he had said this was kinda illegal but who hasn’t broken the law a few times? Every lawyer knew how to break them well. She had sent him the text as soon as she spotted their waitress, Abby. It was simple, he was just going to phone the diner and pretend someone- a grandparent- got lightly hurt, asking the waitress to please come home. Paige smiled a bit as she saw their waitress get called into the back, seeming worried. Step one, check. She glanced at the Road Runner as he sipped his milkshake, seeming pleased. 

Step two, mess with the food. Obviously the diner would find a new server for them, of course! That’s where Roadie played a part. He would carefully run up and drop something in their food, which would just spoil it all. A bit of hair and some chewed gum, that felt right. There was some back and forth on who was chewing the gum- can Road Runners have gum?- but they landed on him. She looked at him again briefly but he seemed a bit in shock, peeking over the newspaper to stare at the date. Right, Wile E talking has been quite the shock. They were far enough away where they couldn’t hear him, but they could see his mouth moving. 

“Wonder how he sounds?” She whispered to him and he startled a bit, but nodded his head anyway. He had signed to Paige that he heard his voice once, almost sixty years ago, but it was brief and he wondered how he sounded now. “Yeah, me too.. Maybe a deep, kinda gruff voice. I could see that.” Paige wondered if they would be able to get close enough to hear it at some point, maybe when Roadie ran over to the food. He would strike as soon as they saw the new server with the food, he could be there and gone in a blink of an eye. Turns out, he actually could move that fast without people noticing. When she asked why he usually left a mess everywhere he went, his sign cheekily said it was more fun that way.

She glanced over and grinned, nudging the Road Runner. A new server was here, Paige frowning slightly as she seemed to be a toon. A fellow toon might detect him, but surely it was okay, right? She furrowed her brows a bit at her, feeling like she’s seen their waitress before. I mean, her and Kevin had met so many toons in the last while, so maybe that was it? She had shoulder length blonde hair and honestly a very cute little blue skirt, but still she wondered where she'd seen her from. 

She looked at the Road Runner as the server grabbed the plates, about to tell him to go. What she wasn’t expecting was him to be staring at the server, wide eyed and mouth dropped. Wow, she didn’t think he swung that way but guesses he could like anyone, really she’s never asked him. She raised a brow as she asked if he was alright, Roadie quickly looking at her and raising a sign.

[ WE HAVE A PROBLEM ]

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Wile E forgot how nice it was to just talk to someone. Of course he’s been having a wonderful time with Kevin and Paige, not to mention now that he and the Road Runner saw each other as equals, but it was different with Bugs. The banter, the back and forth, it just felt so natural. Sometimes he wished he could talk with anyone, but where was the fun in that? 

He glanced up a bit as he heard movement towards them, seeing someone approach. It wasn’t their waitress, yet she held trays of what looked like their food anyway. He didn’t know much about food service, maybe that was normal? It was a bit funny, she looked very familiar but Wile E had no idea from where. It’s not like he knew many people. “Here we go, love birds. I’m your new waitress now, last one got a call about her grandma or something.” The food was placed in front of each of them and Wile E looked at Bugs, surprised by his reaction. Not looking at the food at all, but instead at the waitress.

Wile E watched as Bugs ears slowly fell back against his head as he moved to hide his face in his hands, his face clearly burning. A very odd reaction and so he fully turned to look at this waitress, was it an ex or something? Shoulder length blonde hair, a white shirt and blue skirt. She was a duck toon and as soon as he noticed that, it clicked in his head. “It’s rude to stare. Take a picture, it'll last longer.” He deadpanned at Wile E, who just raised a brow and a sign.

[ HELLO DAFFY? DID YOU GET A JOB HERE? ]

“Ah, yes. The economy and all, you know. Well, you wouldn’t. You live in a cave- Do you own the cave? Huh, I never thought of that.” Daffy shrugged a bit and Wile E didn’t know how to answer, he guessed he owned it? 

Bugs moved his hands and looked at Daffy, speaking through gritted teeth as he stared at him. “That’s nice, Daff. Do you mind leaving now?” Bugs said as he glared into his soul, Daffy meeting his eyes with a smile.

“Of course, sir. But don’t worry, I’ll be back. We offer the best inhouse music here, we can serenade anyone.” It sounded almost threatening and yet he was gone before Wile E could process a thing. Bugs groaned as he rubbed his face, still a bit flustered. He looked over and met Wile E’s gaze, giving an almost embarrassed smile.

“He’s going to annoy us the whole time, I’m sorry. He knew about the date, of course he would do this.” He sighed and Wile E smiled a bit, shaking his head as he said it was fine. “Is it? God, he gets under my skin sometimes.” Daffy seemed harmless, he wasn’t ruining the date or anything by just being there. He was just being annoying while also spying on his closest friend, he couldn’t blame him for being curious about their date. 

“If we wanted a date with zero interruption, it should’ve been at your house.” Wile E said with a bit of a laugh, grabbing onto his burger. He would’ve offered his own home but he guesses the Road Runner would interrupt them there. He took a bite as Bugs raised an eyebrow, grabbing his fork and pointing it at him.

“My, so forward to suggest that. Are you always this bold?” He teased and it took a moment for it to process in Wile E’s head, but when it did? It felt like his head exploded. He quickly looked away as he covered his mouth, his face bright red as he felt crazy. Lucky for him, Bugs liked it. “It’s cute when you get that red..” Bugs popped a fry in his mouth with a smile at that. “Even a genius gets flustered sometimes.”

Wile E couldn’t help but laugh, shaking his head a bit. “I suppose so, even if I don’t like it.” Bugs laughed next as he offered a shrug, saying that was the rules. “Hm, and who made these rules? Are they well researched?” He teased and Bugs offered a grin, saying he was the sole inventor. “Ah, so they’re not well researched, huh?” He leaned away as Bugs reached over and playfully smacked his arm, telling him to watch it. He couldn’t feign his annoyance for long, the two of them now both laughing. 

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Paige didn’t know what to do. Step two was a fail, an utter failure. How were they suppose to know that Daffy Duck would show up in drag and be their waitress? Why was he even here? “Okay, no need to panic..” She whispered to the Road Runner amidst her panic. “We can adapt with this.. We uh..” She looked around desperately, the Road Runner seeming stressed as well. “We gotta get Daffy.” She decided on and the Road Runner was quick to look at her, slowly nodding his head. Okay, she hoped he knew that ‘get him’ didn’t mean ‘kill him.’ She didn’t think the Road Runner actually wanted to kill anyone but when you were that powerful? It was always the first thing to come to her mind.

She waved a hand over when she saw Daffy, making her voice a bit deeper as she spoke. “Excuse me, server!” It was awfully rude to call someone over like this but she hoped he would forget about it once this was all said and done. He seemed to huff and walked over to them, eyes narrowed in.

“What.” He asked bluntly and she honestly didn’t know what to say, she didn’t think she’d get this far. Terrible service from him, but she guessed he didn’t actually work here. She opened her mouth but Roadie made a move first. A talon reached up and grabbed Daffy by the beak, quickly yanking him into their booth. She gasped a bit as Daffy was quickly thrusted into the seat between them, hearing a small yelp come from him. “Oh please, I’m too beautiful to die! Take whatever you want, I honestly could care less about this place!” He muffled out through his held beak, his body stiffening a bit as he thought. “Are you guys with ACME? Please, I don’t know anything-“

Oh. Oh no. Paige quickly leaned closer as she whispered, saying they were not with ACME. Daffy didn’t seem convinced as he squirmed, Paige watching as the Road Runner forced the duck to look at him. Daffy stared at him for a moment before it seemed to click. “Road Runner? Why on earth are you holding me for ransom- Wait.” He looked between the two of them, eyeing them up. “You two are trying to ruin their date! I can’t believe this, there’s no respect anymore.” 

“Well-! What are you doing here then?” Paige quickly asked and Daffy huffed, saying he was obviously here to help their date. He was going to play a romantic song for them, he was just about to get his guitar out before they interrupted him. His words were a bit too muffled and Paige gave the Road Runner a look, who sighed and let go of Daffy’s beak. Before he did though, he raised a sign telling the duck not to make him regret that. 

“Now I got this oversized sparrow threatening me, great. This is exactly how I thought my day would go.” Daffy sighed out as he was freed, still being sat between the two. “So what? You don’t want these two lovers together? Surprising from you, human.” He eyed up Paige. “Less so from you, bird.” Paige sighed a bit as the Road Runner let out an annoyed huff, an angry beep following.

“Okay, look-“ Paige tried to say but was cut off by Daffy turning to the Road Runner, asking if he wanted to repeat that beep. She sighed as the two quietly started to argue through words and beeps. She looked back to the date, watching as they talked and laughed together. She then glanced all around, staring out the window a bit as she thought about their next move. They have Daffy, now what? Her eyes caught the sight of a familiar car and her eyebrows raised, seeing what looked like Kevin’s car across the street. Huh, that was odd. He wasn’t in it though, maybe he went shopping nearby after he dropped Wile E off?

The door chimed as someone entered and she looked over, freezing up as she did. A very familiar face stepped in and Paige noticed that he had his jacket pulled up to hide his face, quickly walked past the date and straight towards them. Uh oh. “What are you doing here?!” Kevin hissed as he suddenly pushed himself into their booth, pushing both Daffy and the Road Runner over. “Are you two insane?!” 

“Legally, yes.” Daffy spoke even though it wasn’t directed to him and Paige felt embarrassed, avoiding her uncle's gaze as she looked at the Road Runner for help. He also seemed to share the same feeling of shame, which was just perfect. She glanced back but something caught her eyes, a pair of binoculars were around Kevin’s neck. How odd, suspicious even.

“What are those around your neck?” She was quick to point out and Kevin stammered, moving his jacket to cover them as he deflected.

“That doesn’t matter. This is about you two! Why are you here, are you really trying to ruin their date?” Kevin quickly asked and then finally acknowledged Daffy, eyebrow raised. “Is he a part of this? Why are you wearing that?” Daffy deadpanned that they kidnapped him, letting out a yelp as the Road Runner pecked him for that. Paige couldn’t even focus as Daffy also added that heels and a wig made him feel more powerful, Kevin just sighing. “Great! So, no one can just leave them alone and have their date go well? Everyone had to get involved?”

Oh no, Paige was not letting that slide. “You’re the one who was parked across the street with binoculars! Is that really any better here?” She pointed her finger in his face and Kevin huffed, hesitating a bit as he shot his hands in the air.

“Okay, sue me. It’s Wile E’s first date like ever, I wanted to make sure it went well.” Kevin sighed out and Paige tsked at him, saying that was still meddling in their date. “The same way you guys are? Please.” Daffy sighed loudly as he crossed his arms, saying he was here to help their date and not meddle. 

“Bugs has been going crazy over it, he’s got it bad for him. But he’s also utterly clueless, so of course he needed me to be his wingman.” Daffy seemed a bit smug as he spoke. “I had to be the one to push him to actually ask him on the date, can you believe it? He’s useless.” Paige found that tidbit a bit shocking, she assumed Bugs was a very ‘always confident’ sort of guy. She knew Daffy could be lying, but she believed him anyway. 

“That’s great, Daffy. Look, Paige- And you too, Road Runner, you guys can’t get involved like this. I understand if you thought there was something else going on-“ Kevin started but was interrupted with an annoyed beep from Roadie, which made Kevin sigh. “Maybe there is something there, I don’t know! But you can’t jump to sabotage first, you gotta talk things out like adults.” It felt like being lectured by her parents again, sighing out as she glanced away.

She startled a bit when her eye caught someone standing right in front of the table. Two people, actually. Uh oh. “Um.” She managed to say as she looked up, dark eyes meeting hers.

“Eh, what’s going on here?” The familiar voice asked with both hands on his hips, eyebrows raised. That got everyone’s attention as they all regarded Bugs and Wile E both standing there. Busted. Bugs seemed a bit amused while also curious, which was good. Perhaps a bit embarrassed too but it seemed minor. Less good was Wile E’s reaction. He looked livid and his face was red, clearly being mad and very embarrassed. Shit. “Having a party without us?” Bugs asked mockingly and Paige looked at the Road Runner, who looked at Daffy, who looked at Kevin.

“Uhh..” Kevin finally spoke, laughing a bit. “No, not at all. We’re just uh, having.. lunch. Yup.” Kevin offered and Bugs hummed, saying that sounded like fun. 

“Lunch and a view, how nice.” He shot a glare at Daffy, who was quick to raise his hands in mock defeat. 

“I was kidnapped.” He announced and Paige groaned, rubbing a hand over her face as Bugs said the kidnappers needed to do a better job. “Now listen here-“ Daffy pointed a finger up into Bugs face, the rabbit simply shoving his hand away. Wile E was staring at them all with anger in his eyes, which made Paige feel awful. Yet none of it was more targeted then towards the Road Runner, who was seemingly trying to hide between Paige and Daffy. 

It seemed like he thought that if he pretended he wasn’t here, everything would be fine, right? Clearly surprising himself, Wile E opened his mouth as he pointed a finger. “You are so-“ He caught himself after only a few words yet it made everyone go quiet and look at him. His finger pointed at the Road Runner, who seemed to shrink even smaller. Wile E coughed as he quickly got a sign out, pointing between it and the Road Runner.

[ TALK OUTSIDE. NOW. ]

With one final point to the Road Runner, Wile E slammed down the sign and stormed outside. The bell dinged as he left and she looked at Roadie, who was slowly sliding underneath the table. He popped out on the other side as he made his way towards the door, not running at all. The silence between the rest of them was thick, Paige didn’t know what to say or do. 

“His voice is kinda sultry, you know?” Daffy interrupted as he leaned over the table, hitting Bugs arm. “I finally get it now.” Bugs rolled his eyes as he pushed Daffy away, just rolling his eyes at them all.

.

.

.

Wile E hadn’t noticed anything odd. Granted, his back was turned to them, so how would he have? It was Bugs who noticed first and then in turn, Wile E noticed his reaction.

Eyebrows furrowed, a look of annoyance and disbelief on his face. “What? Is something wrong?” He asked him and Bugs chuckled, shaking his head a bit dismissively.

“You won’t believe it if I say.” He sighed out as he leaned back and Wile E frowned a bit, tilting his head slightly to the side. “If I said Daffy wasn’t the only one who crashed our date, would you believe me?” Bugs asked as he rested his head in his hand, smiling a bit at him. That instantly made him freeze up, the mental image of Kevin also pretending to be a waitress hit his mind for less than a second. “There’s a whole gang of em in a booth, far right corner.” Wile E dared to look over his shoulder briefly, his shock being clear on his face.

Four of them were all squished next to each other. Paige and the Road Runner had these awful outfits on, they looked ridiculous. Kevin had this coat on that Wile E had never seen and don’t even get him started on Daffy- It seemed like they were all currently bickering. He looked back at his date and Bugs raised a brow, asking if they should say something to them. Wile E quickly nodded, feeling utterly mortified by this all. 

That’s how he got in this situation. 

Exiting the diner with a huff and a slammed door, he walked a bit off to the side. Still in view of everyone inside, lest they worry he was going to try to kill the Road Runner right now, but angled enough where they couldn’t read the signs. He turned with his arms crossed, tapping his foot angrily as he waited. He saw the Road Runner move towards the door, noting he wasn’t exactly speeding over to him. Not that he cared anyway, he could take his time for once. He moved out the door and over to Wile E, seeming a bit embarrassed as he stopped in front of him. It’s been a long time since he had seen him like that, maybe it’s been decades? Though Wile E didn’t really care to figure that out right now.

The two of them stood in silence for a moment, the tapping of his foot being the only sound. Wile E raised a sign first, clearly he had to make a move.

[ WELL? WHY ARE YOU HERE. ]

He wondered how he even found out but considering their matching outfits, it wouldn’t be that hard to make a guess. Paige told him and Kevin likely told her, just a whole bunch of gossip. Maybe fellow toons weren’t who he should’ve been worried about. He waited as the Road Runner got his sign ready, lifting it a bit shamefully.

[ I DON’T LIKE YOU WITH THE RABBIT. ]

Oh, right to the point. He guesses that was a good thing, no beating around the bush. Though now Wile E had no idea how to move forward from this, just having one question to write.

[ WHY NOT? ]

He just stared at him as he furiously went back and forth with his signs, seemingly struggling to put it into words. That’s fine, Wile E would be patient here. When he finally held up his sign, he wasn’t sure what he was expecting.

[ I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL ]

His mouth dropped open as he stared at the words, his head spinning a bit. He grabbed a sign but nothing came to mind, his limited number of signs finally got to him. He wrote and crossed out what felt like a million things, he just didn’t know how to write this. So he didn’t, instead tossing the sign to the side. Road Runner seemed confused by this and Wile E signed, opening his mouth.

“I believe what we have is special. Bugs isn’t my prey like you are.” He responded and it was the Road Runner’s turn to have his jaw drop, looking at him with wide eyes. He spoke to him, actually spoke. Wile E could basically hear his fathers old words spinning in his head, he was certainly looking up at him in anger. But in a sense he had caught the Road Runned, hadn’t he? So his dad could shove it. Road Runner quickly held up a sign, looking away from him.

[ BUT YOU LIKE HIM. A LOT. ]

Wile E bit his lip a bit as he blushed, trying to stop his tail from wagging. “Ahem- I find him quite interesting and our dynamic is fun. But that doesn’t mean you and I have to change a thing.” His voice got a bit quieter as he said that last part, the Road Runner not seeming convinced. “I still want to chase you, I will always want to chase you.”

This all felt so intimate, maybe even a bit romantic. The Road Runner met his gaze again as they were both silent for a moment, Wile E just waiting for him to respond. He eventually did, not breaking his gaze.

[ YOU’LL SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIM THEN ME. ] 

Hesitantly, he flipped the sign.

[ YOU MUST KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU. ]

You could argue that it wasn’t a confession but he knew exactly what he meant, Wile E swallowed thickly. He felt internally conflicted, how does he go about this? His inner voice was basically screaming at him to be reasonable, but his heart said otherwise. He was just going to speak as honestly as possible. “More time with him? I don’t think that’s possible.” Wile E was quick to say, feeling relieved at the smallest twitch of a smile on the Road Runners face. “And I.. I admit, I didn’t know for a long time. Only post the case did something start to click in my head, I’m sorry.”  The Road Runner looked away a bit, eyes low. 

Wile E took a deep breath, holding it as his heart raced. “But you’re still the most important person in my life, you always will be. No one will ever beat you and I think Bugs knows that too, he gets it.” He was speaking from the heart and it was hard, sweat trickling down his back. “Our dynamic might be a bit.. different if Bugs is around, but it won’t be that drastic! He won’t be involved, this is our thing. Not his or anyone else’s.” 

Wile E had no idea how he’d handle this sort of situation. His words were true and he truly believed them, Bugs had even teased him about the Road Runner many times- Even during their date he said something! But he still felt nervous as he waited for a response, his stomach churning a bit as he stared at the Road Runner. He was trying to read his mind from just his face, which proved impossible. The Road Runner sighed a bit, offering a smile as he raised a sign.

[ I’M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING. MOSTLY FOR RUINING YOUR DATE. ]

Wile E’s ears fell a bit as he frowned, not expecting the sorry just yet. “Thank you for apologizing. I’m sorry too, I suppose I kept this all secret from you.. A real friend would’ve told you right away, maybe then you would’ve been less mad about it.” Road Runner shrugged a bit and hesitated, slowly flipping the sign.

[ I STILL DON’T LIKE THE RABBIT. ]

That made Wile E’s frown twitch into a slight smile. “He has a name, you know.” Wile E said and the Road Runner made an annoyed beep sound, shaking his head as Wile E sighed. “Okay, you don’t have to like him. But will you be civil with him? Please.” He offered and the Road Runner thought for a moment before nodding, though he noted that he didn’t seem exactly pleased. Wile E smiled anyway and thanked him, adding that maybe the Road Runner could try to call him by his name now. The Road Runner made a face as he held up a sign, which surprised him.

[ I WILL ONLY TO HIS FACE. ] 

“I suppose that’s a start.” He chuckled as he looked back at the diner, noting that some of them were coming outside. Kevin and Paige stepped outside but kept their distance from the couple, it seemed like Kevin was still talking Paige’s ear off about everything. He saw Bugs inside with Daffy, feeling a bit guilty as it looked like Bugs was paying for their food. He hadn’t even gotten the chance to offer to pay, he felt like a horrible date. Well, he guessed that was fitting. Horrible date for their horrible date, right? He wondered how Bugs felt about all of this, would he even want a second date? Probably not. 

He bounced a bit nervously as he looked over at the Road Runner again, seeing he was also staring at them through the windows. The Road Runner sighed a bit as he held up a sign, his eye roll clear.

[ TALK TO HIM. HE’LL UNDERSTAND. ]

“Oh? You’re giving me advice now?” He asked with arms crossed and the Road Runner seemed annoyed at him, huffing as he nodded slightly. Wile E looked over as Bugs and Daffy exited the diner, smiling a bit as Bugs was clearly getting mad at Daffy. He doesn’t get mad often but every time he does, it seems to be at Daffy. He suddenly stumbled forward a bit, catching himself and quickly looking behind him. The Road Runner had nudged him with his beak on his back, giving him an look.

[ GO! ]

Wile E huffed as he straightened up, instead turning to face the bird again. He seemed annoyed that Wile E wasn’t moving towards Bugs but froze up, eyes widening as Wile E opened his arms a bit. He couldn’t be the one to make the move, lest he thought he was trying to catch him right now, so he just waited and hoped the Road Runner understood. Luckily, he did. He shot into his arms for the hug and wrapped his wings around him, letting out a bit of a happy beep. “Thank you.” Wile E said one final time as he hugged him and the Road Runner laughed a bit, moving away from the hug with that look in his eyes.

Wile E watched as he instead ran over to Paige, chuckling as he startled Kevin. He seemed to beep happily at them as Kevin turned his attention to him, starting to scold him for everything. Road Runner took it in stride, clearly enjoying it as he looked back at Wile E with a feigned annoyance. He grinned back at him and noticed Daffy joining them, taking off his wig as he did. Which only left one final person. Wile E straightened a bit as his eyes moved away from the group, watching as Bugs approached him. “Hey there, Wile E.”

His ears fell a bit as he regarded him, feeling awful. Of course he would, considering it was mostly his friends that were trying to ruin the date- It still felt weird to call them all friends still, but that was the least of his problems right now. “Hello. I’m so sorry for everything they’ve done, they really did ruin our date.” His tail fell next, falling just a bit between his legs. “I understand if you don’t want a second date because of this, but I believe we could redo it and-“ He didn’t know what he was saying, his words were all over the place for once. Thankfully, Bugs understood him.  

He placed his hands on either side of Wile E’s face and leaned in, kissing him suddenly. Wile E’s ears shot up as he kissed back, knowing he was bright red. Bugs pulled away after a second and glanced up at him, a surprised laugh falling from his lips. “Your ears are making the cutest little heart shape, you’re just like a rabbit.” He teased and Wile E quickly moved his ears down, feeling so flustered. “You’re a bit stupid sometimes for a genius, you know?” Bugs added as he rubbed a thumb over his cheek fur, which made Wile E frown. “Of course I want a second date with you. Honestly, it’s our fault for even telling people where we were going.” 

Wile E had to agree, noting that he’d not tell a soul for their next one. “Me neither, Daffy will probably try to figure it out anyway.” Bugs sighed as he shook his head. “Did you patch things up with Roadie?” He asked as he let go of his face and Wile E briefly looked back at the bird, smiling as Kevin had all three of them sat down in front of him as he lectured them.

“Yes, I believe so. It’s kinda.. complicated?” He offered and Bugs laughed, adding on that he didn’t mind as long as he wasn’t going to be a victim to the bird. “No, I told him he has to be civil with you. He doesn’t have to like you, but I wish he did.” Bugs smirked as he said many already didn’t, nudging a sudden carrot against Wile E’s nose. 

“You didn’t at first, remember? Just give him time. Besides, I’d never want to get in the middle of your chase.” He said the words Wile E already knew, yet it made him smile widely anyway. “Say, will you share him with me when you catch him?” Bugs teased as he leaned against him a bit, eyes batting sweetly. He doesn’t know why but he blushed at the question, managing out a quiet ‘maybe.’ He doesn’t know how he’d share the bird now between three people, but he guessed he could make it work. Just him, Bugs, and Kevin, of course. 

“Heh, you know I’m messing with ya. The day I eat meat is the day I die.” Bugs grinned and Wile E sighed, not knowing how he forgot about that important detail at this moment. The sudden question made his brain basically reset. “But you know I appreciate it anyway.” Bugs hummed as he took a bite from his carrot, glancing over at the others. It seemed like Kevin was coming up now, leaving the three date-wreckers behind. Well, he was involved in that too, but still.

“Hey, sorry to interrupt-“ Kevin apologized and Bugs shrugged it off, saying he’s always welcomed. “I’m sorry about them, really. I.. admit I was also watching the date, but! It was from a distance, I wasn’t planning on interrupting at all. I just wanted to make sure it went well.” Kevin admitted and Bugs raised a brow, saying the binoculars gave him away. Wile E shook his head at him and Kevin met his eyes, shooting him a bit of a smile. “It didn’t ruin anything though, right? All of these.. shenanigans.” Wile E’s eyes moved to Bugs, who was already looking at him, and then back to Kevin. He shook his head and Kevin let out a sigh of relief, saying that was good to hear.  

“I think you two make a great pair, I’m glad this all hasn’t changed that.” Kevin said as he smiled and Wile E took a sudden deep breath, quickly moving his hand and grabbing Bug’s within his. It was a sudden and brave move, Bugs clearly seeming surprised as he did. He wanted to show Kevin it went well- He said there would be hand holding and so far? Zero hand holding had happened between them. Bugs snickered as he looked at him, smiling gently as he gave his hand a quick squeeze.

“You really are one weird guy, Wile E.” The way Bugs said it was almost dreamily, Wile E’s tail wagging a bit as he grinned at him. “Say, can I suggest something a bit crazy?” He suddenly asked and Kevin’s face dropped as Wile E’s lit up, quickly nodding while Kevin asked what that meant. “It doesn’t concern you, don’t worry.” Bugs said to Kevin before leaning in, whispering into Wile E’s ear. Kevin quietly cursed as he said he knew it still meant trouble, running a hand through his hair. He seemed to grow even more worried as a slow grin grew on Wile E’s face, giving Bugs a quick look.

A raised brow, as if to ask if he was sure. Bugs gave him a smug look and nodded, letting go of his hand. “Wouldn’t expect it, I’d think.” Bugs added and Wile E rubbed his hands together quickly, glancing over his shoulder. He didn’t know the context he missed, but Daffy’s wig was now on top of the Road Runner’s head- his hat still on, mind you. Paige was giggling as she took pictures of him as he posed. Perfect, all distracted. Wile E quickly turned around as he ran at the Road Runner at full speed, arms outstretched. 

Of course, the Road Runner noticed right before he’d be able to grab him. Like always. He jumped up and beeped loudly and happily, running away at light speed. Only the wig was left behind, Daffy barely being able to catch it in time. “Hey! This wasn’t cheap!” He yelled after them as the two ran off, Kevin sighing as he and Bugs walked over to them.

Paige watched as they ran and glanced back at the two, specifically at Bugs. “I’m sorry again. Are those two okay?” She asked quietly and Bugs waved his hand at her, taking a bite of his carrot as he watched.

“You’re fine and so are they, they’re the same as always.” He chewed before grinning. “I doubt they’ll ever change.” Paige smiled a bit as she stared off into the distance, the only evidence of them being here was the slightly kicked up dirt around them. She hoped they never changed too.