Chapter Text
If there was one thing Eric Cartman took a lot of pride in, it was his expert ability to ensure Kyle Broflovski remained the most unloved, undesired, and chronically single teenager in South Park.
He wasn’t sure why he took so much joy in seeing Kyle struggle in the love department. He hasn’t really dwelled on it. And honestly? It wasn’t like Kyle was doing much to help his case either. With that stick so far up his ass, it’s no shocker he hasn’t had much luck.
Until now.
Eric technically wasn’t supposed to know. Stan let it slip to Kenny, who then let it slip to Eric. Apparently, Kyle met a girl in the Jewish leadership camp Sheila and Gerald sent him to for the summer. They figured sending him there before their freshman year of high school would prepare him well and get him in that college readiness mindset, and who knows what other bullshit.
That entire family is so lame.
“Eric, you’re getting distracted again.”
Eric blinked and glanced up at Harold, otherwise known as Dr. Roberts, otherwise known as the shrink Liane Cartman got for him after pushing her to her limits at the beginning of the summer.
Determined to scare the guy into dropping Eric from his caseload, Eric arrived at his first therapy session with a jar of chili in hand and prepared to discuss the case of Scott Tenorman and his family, but his plans were brought to a brief halt when he actually entered the shrink’s office.
For one, Harold bore a striking resemblance to Chef, except he was a little leaner and his head was covered in curls. Secondly, his presence was strong, like he wasn’t afraid of anything. This was confirmed when Eric eventually told Harold about Scott Tenorman, and instead of reacting with fear or disgust, Harold was somehow… understanding? He told Eric what he did was wrong and over the top, but that he understood why he did it and left it at that.
It was… oddly validating? Frankly, Eric was still processing that session.
Needless to say, and Eric would never admit it to anyone, he actually enjoyed therapy. Harold had become something of a father figure, giving him advice about puberty and other things his mom couldn’t guide him on. Without Eric realizing it, three months had passed, and he hadn’t missed a single session. It was kinda lame, but Eric told himself it would only be for a year. After that, he'd come up with a creative way to kick Harold to the curb.
“Eric?”
Speak of the devil. “Yes, Dr. Roberts?”
“I asked you a question and you blanked out on me.”
Eric leaned back on his sofa—a burgundy chaise lounge made of velvet. For a shrink chair, it was comfortable as fuck. “That’s strange. I don’t seem to remember the question. Could you repeat it for me?”
Harold frowned, reaching over for his coffee from the round table resting beside his own brown sofa. “You’re doing it again.”
“Doing what?”
“Deflecting when I ask you about Kyle Broflovski. I asked if you’re excited for him to come home after being gone the whole summer.”
Eric gazed at the wall behind Harold, filled with degrees and awards that strangely reminded him of Kyle.
Stupid, overachieving Kyle… who apparently has a girlfriend now. Yeah, right. Not on his watch.
“And there it is again,” Harold pointed out simply, bringing his coffee mug to his lips.
Eric’s face went flush. “Well, what else am I supposed to do when you ask me about that dumb Je—“
Harold glared at him.
Right, he promised to scale back on the Jew jokes. Eric snorted internally. Jew jokes. He should become a poet.
“What I mean to say is—“ he clarified. “Kyle's return holds no importance to me. We haven’t spoken in months. So I don’t know why you’re asking me about it.”
“Fair enough,” Harold nodded pensively. “I only figured it was natural to ask, considering he’s been the primary topic of most of our sessions.”
Eric felt his face turn a deeper shade of red. Shit, was it? He hadn’t noticed.
“It’s okay if you miss him, Eric.”
Eric scoffed, because that was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard. “I don’t miss him. I just… miss the excitement of getting under his skin. I’ve tried doing it to Butters, but it’s not the same. All he does is agree with the insults I throw at him.”
“I thought we agreed you weren’t going to insult Butters anymore,” Harold reminded.
Eric rolled his eyes. “And that’s what I’ve been doing! Mostly… sometimes he deserves it.”
Harold sighed, set his coffee mug back down, and cleaned his glasses with a cloth he kept in his coat pocket. “Eric, what are you going to do when Kyle returns?”
Eric blinked, because what the fuck kind of question was that?
“I’m going to do what I’ve always done. It’s not like that Je— Kyle was gone for a year.”
“Three months is still a long time,” Harold noted. “And you’re about to enter high school. You’re not kids anymore. What if he’s changed and he doesn’t want to go toe-to-toe with you anymore?”
Eric ignored the unsettled feeling those words brought to his stomach. He scoffed. “That’s ridiculous. There’s no way he’s changed that much.”
“You have,” Harold reminded.
“Well, I can most certainly guarantee you Kyle hasn’t. He’s always going to be the obnoxious know-it-all try-hard with a stick up his ass. One little summer isn’t going to change anything.”
And it most certainly didn’t matter that he had a girlfriend now... right?
Eric’s eyes suddenly met Harold’s, whose frown had deepened for some reason. His eyes skimmed over Eric, as if he knew something Eric didn’t. It made him feel uneasy.
“Anything else, Doc? I think our hour is up.”
“Yes, I suppose it is,” Harold said, turning his gaze to his clipboard. “One last question for procedural purposes. Have you been taking your antipsychotics?”
“You know I have been, Doc,” Eric said, sighing.
“Poopsykins! It’s time for you to wake up, or you’ll be late for school!”
Eric groaned, throwing his blanket over his head.
He was not in the mood to go to school.
He closed his eyes for a few seconds before his mom called for him again. He groaned, removed his sheets, and reached for his pills and the water bottle set on his desk.
Harold referred him to a psychiatrist after Eric got the grand idea to tell him about Cupid Me. He was opposed to the antipsychotics at first, but then his mom tricked him into taking them, and he was surprised at how clear they made his mind feel. It was quiet—the intrusive thoughts gone. He was still himself but less… impulsively conditioned.
“Eric!”
“I’m coming!” Eric snapped after taking his pills. He quickly pulled on a white top, then layered a red zip-up over it. After sliding on his jeans, he stared at himself in the mirror and winced. He’d put on a little weight since the beginning of the summer—a side effect as a result of the antipsychotics he was taking. He leaned in and adjusted his hair, then scolded himself because caring about his appearance was lame and he wasn’t sure why he was giving such a fuck.
He made his way downstairs, where his mom gave him breakfast and kissed him goodbye before heading off to work.
Eric’s stomach rumbled as his eyes scanned over the waffles and bacon his mother made for him. Surprisingly, he wasn’t hungry. His stomach was acting funny this morning. Maybe the Taco Bell from yesterday didn’t settle properly.
Quickly, he grabbed a few strips of bacon because Kenny, who had been recruited for the freshman baseball team and had been practicing all summer, said protein was good for the soul or something. He then headed out and walked toward the bus stop.
“Yo, Cartman!”
Kenny approached him and dapped him up. Eric’s eyes scanned over his body. Damn, it appeared as if those gym sessions were really serving him well. His growing muscles were prominent under his orange T-shirt.
Stan, waiting behind Kenny, seemed to notice too. “Dude… are you taking steroids? I saw you three days ago, and you did not look that buff.”
Grinning, Kenny began flexing his muscles. “Nah man, I’ve been this buff. You just haven’t noticed because I’ve been wearing sweaters. Man, I can’t wait for high school to start! I’m determined to lose my virginity this year.”
“Same dude,” Stan grimaced. “All the guys on the football team keep calling us shrimp, making us collect their water bottles, and saying it’ll continue that way until we’ve gotten laid and officially become men.”
Like Kenny, Stan had also been recruited for a sport as a freshman. The two had been off practicing with their teams the majority of the summer, which meant Eric didn’t get to see them as much.
It was better that way, Eric thought. He was a mess when he first started taking his meds (meds his friends had no idea he was taking). It was better that way.
Kenny scoffed. “C’mon, Stan. You have the easiest in! What about Wendy?”
Stan’s face went red. “Dude, no way. Not Wendy. That just… feels wrong.”
Eric couldn’t help himself. Therapist or not—medicated or not—he was still Eric Cartman at the end of the day. “What’s wrong, Stanley? Too pussy to ask your bitch to become your bitch?”
Kenny snickered.
Stan’s face turned a deeper shade of red. “Shut up, Cartman! Wendy is not a bitch.”
“Don’t tell me you still have feelings for her,” Kenny said. “Dude, it’s been like, five years since you last broke up.”
“For your information, we’ve been texting this whole summer. So that may change very soon, thank you very much.”
Kenny and Eric glanced at one another incredulously, making Stan huff.
“See, and this is why I’m excited to see Kyle again. I’m sick and tired of being outnumbered by the two of you.”
“Yeah, speaking of which. Where is he?” Eric asked as the bus began rolling up. “I hear he has a girlfriend now.”
Stan whipped around to glare at Kenny. “You told him?”
“It slipped out,” Kenny shrugged.
“What’s wrong with me knowing hippie?” Eric demanded as they all hopped on the bus. “Let me guess. Kyle told you not to tell me.”
Stan frowned as he took a seat on the bench adjacent to Eric and Kenny, the empty space beside him a stark reminder of their missing fourth person.
“Kyle is riding with his girlfriend to school,” Stan explained. “Just for today, since she just moved to town. And yeah, he told me not to tell you because, according to him, you always find a way to ruin good things for him, and he didn’t want you to screw this one up too. He really likes this girl. I met her yesterday, actually, and she’s pretty cool.”
“I met her yesterday, actually, and she’s pretty cool,” Eric mocked in a high-pitched voice, causing Kenny to snort.
Stan rolled his eyes. “Whatever, Cartman. You’re just jealous Kyle has a girlfriend and you don’t.”
Eric scoffed. “I couldn't care less about the ginger and his new bitch. Knowing him, that relationship won’t last a week.”
Stan shrugged. “I don’t know, dude. They really like each other.”
Not for much longer, Eric thought.
Park High School wasn’t much different from their middle school, except it was larger. Students from North Park and South Park attended together, so although Eric’s homeroom class mostly had familiar faces, a few were new.
He, Stan, and Kenny chose seats near the back of the class, with Stan placing his backpack in the seat in front of him, presumably saving it for Kyle.
“Hey fellas!”
Butters approached them, wearing a blue vest and black-framed glasses.
“Butters, what the fuck are you wearing?” Eric asked.
“Uh, you don’t like it?” Butters said, glancing down at his vest. “Mom told me it looked nice.”
“Not that, genius. The glasses,” Eric said, pointing to his temple.
“Oh, that!” Butters exclaimed as he removed them from his face. “Well, they’re my new reading glasses! I think they make me look smart.”
“More like stupid. Since when do you need them?” Eric asked.
Butters raised an eyebrow, glancing at him, Stan, and Kenny reproachfully. “Well, my eyesight hasn’t been the best for a while, on account of the four of you throwing a ninja star at my face and nearly blinding me when we were nine.”
Stan winced at the memory.
“Sorry, man,” Kenny said, scratching the back of his head. “I happen to like your glasses.”
“Why, thank you, Kenny. That’s awfully kind of you. I wish some people had your manners,” he glared at Eric.
Eric rolled his eyes. “Just sit down, Butters.”
“Not there, though,” Stan said, stopping Butters from sitting in front of Eric and beside Kyle’s saved seat. “Kyle is sitting here, and his girlfriend is probably going to sit next to him. Why don’t you sit in front of Kenny?”
Eric grabbed the sleeve of Butters’s vest before he could move. “Now, Stanley. Butters got here first. It’s wrong to make him move just to create room for someone we barely even know. If Kyle has a problem with it, he can sit somewhere else with her, but I want Butters to sit here.”
“That’s alright, Eric, I don’t mind movin’. I’ve been interested in getting to know Kyle’s new girlfriend since Kenny told me about it.”
Eric glared at Butters while Stan leaned over Eric to gape at Kenny. “Dude, how many people did you tell?”
Kenny raised his hands in defense. “I swear it was just them two. We were all together when it slipped out.”
Eric continued to glare at Butters as he slipped past him and took the desk in front of Kenny. Traitor.
Wendy and Bebe suddenly entered the room in white cheerleading outfits with green designs and matching white-and-green pom-poms. Wendy met Stan’s eyes, and they both blushed. Then she sat near the front with Bebe, breaking their eye contact.
“Weak,” Eric mumbled, causing Stan to glare at him.
A few more students piled in: Craig and those guys, a few more of the South Park girls, and some unfamiliar faces from North Park. Eric noted the subconscious divide between the two, with South Park sitting on the left side of the classroom and North Park on the right.
He snorted.
“Psst, Stan, is it true?” Tolkien asked from a few seats in front of them. “Does Kyle have a girlfriend?”
Multiple South Park students turned to Stan, causing the hippie to nearly combust.
“Dude, I don’t know! Why are you asking?”
“We saw him holding hands with a girl earlier,” Bebe squeaked. “She’s pretty! What’s her name?”
Eric raised an eyebrow. Pretty? He doubted it.
Everyone waited for Stan to respond, but before he could, he bobbed his head toward the front of the classroom. “Why don’t you ask him yourself?”
Kyle Broflovski suddenly entered the classroom.
It took all of Eric’s willpower not to gawk. The boy had changed. His green ushanka was nowhere to be found, revealing a red flurry of bouncy curls that were well-groomed and framed his face. He wore an orange button-up shirt, blue jeans, and green sneakers.
Wow… Cartman thought.
Kyle was holding someone’s hand, muttering something softly to them before walking in with them.
This time, Eric did gawk.
Kyle’s girlfriend was petite, with a small frame and a round face. Her doe eyes were brown, with an array of wavy hair cascading down her face. She had a button nose, her cheeks were flushed pink, and fuck, were those dimples? She wore little to no makeup, maybe just lip gloss, meaning she naturally looked like that. She was naturally that pretty.
For some reason, Eric felt sick.
All the other students from South Park seemed equally entranced.
“Dude…” Clyde muttered.
“Hey everyone!” Kyle greeted. “This is my girlfriend, Maya Rosenberg.”
Rosenberg. Rosenberg.
Eric couldn’t help it. He laughed.
Everyone turned to him, including the students from North Park. Then, Eric didn’t know what came over him. His mouth operated on autopilot, and he couldn’t control himself anymore. The last three months of therapy had gone out the door.
He clapped slowly, staring directly at Kyle, who was narrowing his green eyes and tightening his grip on Maya’s hand.
“So the Jew found himself another Jew to date. How… predictable,” Eric said as he leaned over his desk and rested his head on his hand. “Tell me, Maya, do you also have a stick up your ass too? Or is that just a Kyle thing?”
“Dude, not cool,” Stan whispered.
Kyle opened his mouth to retort but stopped when Maya turned to him. “Is he the one you were warning me about?”
Eric’s eyes flashed. Warning her? Oh, this was rich. “So he has told you about me. What did he say? You know, Maya, I wouldn’t believe everything your boyfriend tells you. We are exes after all—used to make sweet love to one another under the South Park elementary bleachers. I, more than anyone, am privy to the lies he tells. Ask Nichole if you don’t believe me. She knows.”
Nichole glanced between them, her cheeks flush. The classroom had gone completely silent. One of the North Park students took out a bag of chips, and he and his buddies began sharing as they watched the exchange.
Eric smirked. They wanted a show? He’d give them a show.
“That’s not true, fatass!” Kyle snarled.
“Oh no?” Eric challenged. “You’re breaking my balls here, Kyle. Did you already forget about the jumbotron? Or that time you sucked my balls?”
Kyle’s face went beet red. “I did nothing of the sort! Damn it, I knew you were going to do something like this!”
“Ooo, so you know me that well, huh? Careful, you don’t want your girlfriend to get jealous.”
Kyle let go of his girlfriend’s hand and began spouting insults in Eric’s direction, pointing his finger at his face to really let him have it. Eric simply grinned and relished it. Yes, this was how it was supposed to be. This was the Kyle he knew. Girlfriend, his ass.
His eyes flickered to Maya, who was staring at him oddly. Her arms were crossed as she tilted her head, her eyes raking over Eric as if analyzing him. Eric ignored her, returning his attention to Kyle. He was about to torment him some more when—
“Kyle, baby. Leave him be. Don’t you see what’s happening?”
Kyle turned to Maya, who slowly approached him and Eric, placing a hand over Eric’s shoulder. Eric flinched, glaring at her in warning to remove her hand.
She didn’t, her eyebrows furrowing softly, as if worried. “You poor thing. See, I told Kyle right before I moved here that I wasn't sure I wanted to move to a small town. I’m from the city, so it’s a little different. I was worried I’d run into some bigots here, and to be fair, I haven’t yet, but it’s clear you have. That’s why you feel like you have to hide it, don’t you?”
Eric was confused, and apparently everyone else in the classroom was, too. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
Her eyes softened, biting her lip as she browsed around the classroom. “I don’t think it would be right to say it.”
“You already started, so you might as well finish,” Eric demanded.
“Don’t talk to my girlfriend like that, Cartman,” Kyle warned.
“Kyle, please, don’t antagonize him!” Maya begged. “He’s going through so much already.”
Eric raised an eyebrow. “Okay, you’re starting to piss me off. Talk clearly before I grind your parents into chili. I’ll do it!”
“He would!” Butters exclaimed, wide-eyed. “He has!”
Something in Maya’s eyes flashed. It was so small no one else could’ve caught it, but Eric did. “Well, alright then. You joke about this secret gay love you and Kyle used to have, but it’s not a joke for you, is it? How long have you had feelings for Kyle? And how long have you been hiding in the closet?”
The classroom became dead silent. So quiet one could hear a pin drop. Even Kyle didn’t have anything to say, blinking at Maya in disbelief.
Oh, Eric saw red. He narrowed his eyes and removed her hand from his shoulder. “What?”
“Oh,” she clapped her hands over her mouth in horror. “You haven’t realized… oh, I’m sorry. Forget I said anything.”
Eric opened his mouth to retort, but stopped when the teacher walked into the classroom. “Take a seat, everyone, and please take out your syllabus.”
Papers shuffled around him as Kyle and Maya took a seat in front of Stan and Eric. Even so, Eric felt everyone’s eyes on him. He ignored them, moving to pull his syllabus out of his backpack. He noticed Kyle and Maya were staring at one another, communicating something indistinct telepathically.
Eric hoped Kyle was warning her. He hoped that bitch knew she was now on his shit list. Oh, she would pay. She would pay for not only accusing him of being gay, but accusing him of being gay for Kyle of all people. Who did she think she was? The very idea was laughable!
So why did it make him uncomfortable? Why were his cheeks tinted pink?
“Before we begin, a note about your schedules,” their teacher noted. “Starting this year, it’s mandatory for all freshmen to take at least one extracurricular activity. If you’re already in a sport or cheer, that counts, but if you aren’t, please report to the counselor’s office after school so she can add it to your schedule. I believe we still have spots left in theater and Science Olympiad.”
Theater and Science Olympiad? Eric groaned.
“Well, gee,” Butters mumbled. “I’m not all that good at science, but I’m even worse at acting.”
Maya turned to him. “You’re Butters, right? It’s nice to meet you. You don’t have to act in theater if you don’t want to. They have other roles you could do, like setting up the stage and managing the tech. It’s super easy.”
“Really?” Butters asked. “Well gosh, thank you, Kyle’s girlfriend.”
Maya smiled and then turned to Kyle, who was giving her a soft look Eric had never seen him make before. It worsened the nausea he was already feeling.
Weak.
The rest of Eric’s day went normally. He spent it with Butters and Kenny, who didn’t bring up his exchange with Maya that morning.
Maya. Sweet, innocent Maya, whom everyone was flocking to like flies. During lunch, everyone gathered around her, Kyle, and Stan to get to know her better. Had it not been for their loyalty to Eric, he was sure Kenny and Butters would’ve been there too.
In one day, she’d gained popularity just for putting Eric Cartman in his place. They seemed to have taken her words during homeroom as a well-crafted insult, but Eric knew better. She was being serious. She was reading him for filth, even if her reading of him was completely inaccurate.
So then why was it bothering him so much? He thought about it up until the end of the day, when he and Butters walked together to the counselor’s office to sign up for their extracurricular.
A line was already forming, so Eric took his phone out of his pocket while they waited and shot Harold a quick text requesting a session that afternoon.
He responded immediately. “Of course, Eric. I’ll schedule you for my 4 o’clock.”
“Who you textin’?” Butters asked.
Eric casually stuffed his phone back into his pocket. “My mom.”
“Oh,” Butters said as they walked a few steps forward.
It’s not that Eric was embarrassed to tell the others he was going to therapy. He just didn’t want to hear the comments they would undoubtedly make. He had a reputation as a ginormous asshole to maintain, and therapy didn’t quite fit that mold.
Although the more time passed and the older he got, the less vindictive he became. It was starting to get tiring—this role of bigoted asshole he assumed when he was a child. He still had a passion for mischief from time to time, but he’d become more selective about it, especially in recent months.
Fuck, did that mean the therapy and the meds were working?
“I think I’m going to go ahead and choose theater. What about you?” Butters asked once they were a few people away from the counselor, who sat between a stuffy-looking man in a lab coat and a woman in a long purple coat with dramatically teased hair.
The woman was raking her eyes over the students choosing theater, judging their appearances for star potential, Eric presumed. She must be the theater director.
Eric smirked. “I think I’ll join you.”
The woman suddenly turned to look at Eric, her eyes widening in horror. Eric simply grinned at her.
“Your choice?” the counselor asked.
“Theater, please,” Eric said sweetly, ignoring the scoff coming from the woman standing beside the counselor. He heard her mumble something under her breath as the counselor added Eric’s name to her classroom list.
“I’ll do theater too!” Butters exclaimed beside Eric.
The woman seemed close to passing out now, placing her palm over her head dramatically. Eric resisted the urge to laugh. There was no desire in his body to do theater, but at least now he knew he’d at least have fun annoying his teacher.
“Mom!” someone suddenly exclaimed behind them.
The drama queen removed her palm from her face, her face lighting up. “Maya, my dear! There you are! Have you come to sign up?”
Kyle’s girlfriend entered the office with her books tucked against her chest. “Of course. I can’t wait to watch you teach class. Oh, hi, Butters! And… Eric? You’re joining too?”
“Can you believe it?” the drama queen sighed.
“Mrs. Rosenberg,” the counselor scolded. “If you’re going to make comments about the students, can you at least wait until we’re in the break room?”
Mrs. Rosenberg huffed.
Eric gave Maya a sweet smile. “Why, Maya, what a coincidence. It looks like you and I will be in the same class together. Will your boyfriend be joining us?”
Maya blinked, her eyes scanning Eric’s face before shaking her head. “Kyle got accepted into the basketball team. He tried out yesterday.”
“Speaking of your lovely boyfriend, will he be joining us for dinner tonight?” Mrs. Rosenberg asked.
Maya smiled. “Yes, Mom, he will.”
“Lovely. Don’t mess this up, my dear. I hear he’s the son of a lawyer. There aren’t good ones like him out there anymore.”
Maya giggled. “Yes, Mom.”
Yes, Mom. Eric mocked in his mind. Oh, he hated her. He hated her with every ounce of his being, and if they were going to be in this class together, he was going to make her life miserable.
Maya seemed to catch that he was staring at her and turned to him, their eyes locking. He glared at her, and she stared back, unflinching under his cutting gaze.
Eric raised an eyebrow. Interesting.
“All three of you have been signed up,” the counselor said, yawning and oblivious to the tension between them. “Please report to the theater after school tomorrow for your first class.”
“Is Kyle still taking you home?” Mrs. Rosenberg asked as Maya, Eric, and Butters began leaving the office.
Maya nodded. “Mrs. Broflovski is picking us up after he’s finished with practice.”
“Good, good. Please thank her on my behalf. I’ll call her when I get home.”
Eric clenched his fists, feeling his nails digging into his skin. No one seemed to have caught the act except Maya, who glanced down at his hand and then his face.
Eric unclenched his hand and finally turned to her when they left the office. “Well, looks like we’re theater classmates. See you tomorrow, Maya.”
“Actually, can I talk to you alone for a second?” Maya turned to Butters, who glanced between them.
“Oh, uh, I’ll be outside. Let me know when you’re done, Eric,” Butters said before leaving. “See ya, Maya!”
Maya twiddled her fingers at him, her sweet smile fading when she turned to look at Eric. “Look, I’m sorry about this morning. I got really defensive over Kyle and… I said things I shouldn’t have.”
Eric stared at her, which seemed to make her tense with unease. He intimidated her. He resisted the urge to smirk, relishing the feeling.
“Although I shouldn’t have said that in front of everyone,” she continued. “I don’t necessarily think I’m wrong. You’re in love with Kyle, aren’t you?”
Eric’s eyebrows shot up. He opened his mouth to protest.
“It’s okay if you are!” Maya articulated, stopping him. “It’s sweet, actually. But also… sad. To have to hide your feelings for someone behind insults just to get their attention—” She shook her head. “It’s as clear as the sky, Eric. You love him, and the only reason I’ve noticed and the others haven’t is because I’m new to town. As much as I sympathize with you, you do understand the uncomfortable position that puts us all in, right? I think, for your sake, and Kyle’s as well, you two should keep your distance from one another from here on out. I’ll do my part to stop Kyle from bothering you, but I need you to promise me you’ll do the same. You seem like a really smart guy, Eric. You’ll find someone who cares about you just as much as Kyle and I care about each other. I know it!”
Eric narrowed his eyes, his blood boiling. What a conniving, presumptuous bitch. Who the fuck did she think she was? He willed himself to calm down. The more emotion he showed her, the more sure she would feel in her assumptions. Because that’s all they were! Assumptions!
“That’s big talk from someone who barely knows me,” Eric said calmly. “What makes you think I give a fuck what you think?”
“I’m just trying to protect your heart,” Maya justified. “And, to be honest, establish some boundaries. I am Kyle’s girlfriend, and I have a right to do so.”
“So you feel threatened by me, is what I’m hearing?” Eric said, grinning. “You’re afraid Kyle is going to pay more attention to me than to you.”
“It’s in his nature, unfortunately,” Maya admitted, which frankly surprised Eric. “But not in the way you’d like him to pay attention to you, and that’s the part I want you to understand. Kyle just has a knee-jerk reaction to stop you from fulfilling your hare-brained schemes, and that’s only because he’s been doing it his whole life. Forgive my bluntness, but seeing as we’re speaking clearly with one another, I feel it’s my duty to tell you. He doesn’t need you the way you need him.”
For some reason, those words hurt Eric. His nose began to sting, but he ignored it, choosing instead to shoot his walls up and glare at Maya. “I’d like to warn you to get off your high horse, princess. You don’t know who you’re talking to. I can make your life a living hell.”
Maya simply smiled—that same fake smile she gave him right before telling the entire classroom he was secretly gay for Kyle. It made him realize something sick. She’d meant it. She’d meant to humiliate him in front of the whole classroom. The sweetness was a front—it had to be.
“Oh, I’m sure you’ll try. But you don’t know who you’re talking to, either. I would do anything for Kyle, anything. If you want to declare war on me, go right ahead. But let me tell you something, Eric Cartman. I always get what I want. Everywhere I’ve gone—everywhere my family and I have moved to—I’ve always ended up on top. This is no exception. To make a long story short, Kyle is mine, so back off.”
Her smile suddenly faded, and the look she gave Eric was dangerous and threatening. It made him tense up. Where the fuck did Kyle find this crazy bitch? Did he know? Had he seen this side of her?
Normally, when he ruined Kyle’s relationships, it was because he thought it was funny—a gag, if you will. Or because he felt the person Kyle was with would be better off with someone else. Exhibit A: Tolkien and Nichole, who were still together to this day, mind you. But this? This might be the first time Eric might need to ruin Kyle’s relationship for his own safety.
It’s not that he cared about him the way this bitch was implying. No, but Kyle was his friend, damn it, regardless of their disagreements over the years. Kyle would do the same for him if it were the other way around.
“Oh, you’re going down bitch,” Eric warned. “You’re going so down.”
“We’ll see, Eric,” she said simply. “We’ll see.”