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It was sort of funny how one question (and, more importantly, one answer) could feel like the most important thing in the universe. But hey, that was just the nature of trials, Kevin supposed.
In the game of laws and testimonials, one answer could either be the lynchpin to a case having actual merit in the eyes of those in power, or the final push needed to knock everything they’d set up down like a tower of cards.
But Kevin didn’t have time to wonder or worry about which category their sole witness’s answer would fall into. Longer and more drawn out testimonies could be interrupted and questioned by the opposition, and given his nature, Roadrunner didn’t seem like the most patient cartoon bird in the world. One wrong move could send him speeding out of the court room for good.
Kevin could also see Wile E. itching to launch his grand final trap, the coyote still solely focused on his one true goal, and Kevin wasn’t sure what (if anything) could make Wile E. surrender this goal just for a moment.
…Except, maybe hearing that his long-time rival and nemesis could also be somewhat of an ally in the right circumstances. Frankly, it was already a miracle that Roadrunner had even made it to the trial in the first place. That was enough to convince Kevin to not count any possibility out just yet.
So, after doing the bare minimum of preparing Roadrunner for the stand, giving him a means of giving his own answers in his own voice, as well as establishing the Roadrunner’s relationship to Wile E. and his witnessing of the coyote’s use of faulty ACME products, Kevin finally asked his main question:
“Mr. Runner, have you been a witness to Mr. Coyote’s pain and suffering?”
Two beeps. A serious frown now on the bird’s beak, no sense of amusement or indifference to be seen from him. Out of the corner of his eye, Kevin could see his client-turn-friend freeze, his finger mere centimeters away from the trap’s start button. Hushed whispers filled the rest of the room, with the loudest coming from the ACME team.
In his line of work, Kevin knew just enough about trials to understand that he couldn’t show too much emotion or anything that could be argued as bias, lest his opponents take the opportunity to dismiss him as “overly attached” to his client or himself “too soft-hearted” to be taken seriously.
He knew all this, yet when he heard the Roadrunner’s answer - when he saw Wile E.’s genuinely shocked reaction to it - Kevin couldn’t help but quietly add, “Yeah, me too.”
If he were back where he’d been a couple months ago, Kevin might have stopped there - thank you for your time, witness dismissed - just for the sake of quitting while he was ahead, firmly believing that the bare minimum of a victory was all he could hope for.
But Kevin had meant it when he told Fudd and the other senators how much Wile E. had inspired him to do better - to actually try and not just settle for life’s crumbs, deciding they were good enough to still be called a decent feast.
For as much as it felt like a lifetime ago, Kevin could still remember his Harvard professors and even a few of his upperclassmen telling him he had good instincts. According to them, he’d once had a nose for bringing the truth out of a person, able to hone in on their emotions just enough to sneak past their defenses, if only for a moment.
It was one of his qualities that others claimed would make him a good lawyer one day.
Several years and many failures later, and Kevin wasn’t sure how true that inkling from his colleagues and teachers had been in the end, or if his so-called instincts and talents within their mock trials had been as flimsy as a desert mirage.
Only one way to find out, Kevin thought to himself, trusting his gut for the first time in over a decade.
“Would you call him a friend?” he asked, once again putting part of the trial’s fate in Roadrunner’s hands (er, wings.)
Unlike the others he’d asked, this specific question led to a full “one Mississippi” second of hesitation from the Roadrunner as he properly considered it, and in that insignificant yet still eternal feeling amount of time, Kevin tried to not let himself become panicked over the bird’s answer.
But then, two more beeps. Yes.
Again, Kevin had to keep his own emotions in check, since sighing (or falling to the floor) in relief probably wasn’t a good look for someone who was supposed to be fairly confident in his own case.
In hindsight, Kevin wasn’t sure what he would have done with a “no” if he’d gotten one - if the Roadrunner had declared in front of the world that no, he didn’t consider Wile E. a friend and, by implication, probably didn’t have much of a personal stake in the pain and suffering he’d witnessed.
If anything, Foghorn and ACME likely would have just used it as a foothold for their own argument that pain was ultimately not a big deal when it came to cartoons. Maybe they would have even gone so far as to claim that their less than reliable cartoon products could theoretically act as a cosmic balancing of scales, evening the playing field between obsessive predator and innocent prey.
But Roadrunner DID see Wile E. as a friend, at least on some level, and he DID care enough about the coyote’s well-being to not only call the company out on their sabotaged products, but to do so in public and while on the record.
Having all he needed, Kevin thanked the Roadrunner for his time and, figuring that he might as well, asked if Roadrunner had anything else he wanted to say. Surprisingly, he did, and though Kevin wasn’t exactly sure how the bird would say what he wanted to, he still gave the Roadrunner a chance to say it.
After hearing the translation of his message and seeing how it brought Wile E. to tears, Kevin quickly decided this decision had been one of the best he’d ever made during his career as an attorney.
“Are you coming back?”
This was the note Roadrunner left his testimony on, giving his rival (his friend) one last smile before bidding them all adieu, leaving a trail of dust and loose flying papers on his way out the chamber doors.
It would be a few days later when Kevin had the opportunity to see the Roadrunner again, though Roadrunner didn’t seem to pay too much attention to him, being too focused on welcoming Wile E. back and inviting him out for another chase - and Kevin, in spite of how much he would have liked to properly thank Roadrunner for everything he did for them, decided he didn’t mind being ignored in this instance.
()()()()()()()()()()()
“-I just don’t get it! Why?! How are you not- UGH!”
Wiping the sweat off his brow, Kevin pulled himself away from the dead engine, tempted to slam the hood of his latest car shut just so he’d have something to smack without causing too much more damage to the rest of the vehicle. Thankfully, Kevin resisted, instead choosing to just take a step back and give himself a second to cool down.
Wile E. was already running to his cave and Kevin expected him to be back shortly with his tools, and while neither one of them was sure yet what had caused his latest car to break down in the middle of the desert, Kevin didn’t want to risk making the problem worse.
“Just my luck,” the lawyer mumbled, wiping away more sweat. What was that the salesman had told him? New batteries, a full work-up on a few months ago, no mechanical issues guaranteed? He really should have known better, though it wasn’t as if he’d had many options in the first place, given his budget. Still, maybe he was better off just asking for rides from Paige or one of his co-workers.
As he contemplated the pros and cons of just returning the damn car as soon as he made it back to Albuquerque, Kevin suddenly felt a gust of wind, followed by a cheerful “Beep beep!” Sure enough, when he turned around, he spotted the Roadrunner out on the hot pavement, standing just a few feet in front of him.
“Oh! Uh, hey Mr. R- ah, I mean, Beep-Beep,” Kevin greeted, deciding to go with the nickname Paige had started using for the bird, who thankfully didn’t seem to mind. “Good day for a run?”
“Beep beep!” Roadrunner replied, as if to say, “Always!”
Kevin chuckled. “Good, glad to hear it… Yeah, sorry if I’m getting in the way of, uh, whatever chases or plans you guys have for today. I would’ve been out of here already, but…” He trailed off, gesturing to his dead car. The Roadrunner tilted his head curiously at it, seemingly offering some sympathy towards his flight.
“So, yeah, hopefully me and Wile E. are able to get it fixed up - or, if worse comes to worst, get a tow truck out here - and I’ll get out of your guys’ fur and feathers sooner rather than later,” Kevin continued.
The Roadrunner didn’t voice any concern with this, instead choosing to just stand and continue watching him, eyes remaining bright and wide with a pleasant, unmoving smile firmly on his beak. Which… wasn’t TOO unnerving, Kevin tried to tell himself.
Sure, the Roadrunner tended to break the laws of physics a bit more often than most toons, given the speeds he ran each day, and sure, he ALLEGEDLY might have put some ACME guys in the hospital if the few reports Kevin had discovered regarding the alleged incident were to be believed, but that didn’t mean the bird was outright dangerous! …Probably. No more dangerous than Wile E. and his dynamite and rockets could be, at least.
Not wanting to just stare back at the bird, Kevin dragged his attention back to the car as he tried to look busy with it. Though, as the Roadrunner continued to linger, silently observing the human and only occasionally getting distracted by something in the distance, Kevin’s own thoughts began to wander…
In the many weeks and months that followed their trip to D.C., Kevin still hadn’t gotten to interact with the Roadrunner much outside of a few brief instances of crossing paths whenever one or both of them was with Wile E., with Roadrunner continuing to live up to his reputation of being too fast to catch, even if Kevin was only interested in conversation.
It may have seemed silly for him to call the bird ‘mysterious’, given how open and transparent Roadrunner seemed on the surface, yet that was still the main word that Kevin surmised him as whenever he saw or thought about him, given that he still didn’t know a ton about who Roadrunner was as a person.
In his mind, Kevin primarily saw Roadrunner as an accessory to Wile E. - his prey, his potential dinner, his rival, his friend - but that didn’t seem fair, as while Roadrunner didn’t seem to use nearly as many signs or make as many efforts to communicate to others as Wile E. did, he could still think and feel just as much as any other person could (animated or otherwise).
And, given that Roadrunner WAS a person, there was still one thing Kevin wanted to know, mainly for his own sake. Whether or not asking this question was a good idea was another thing entirely, but the opportunity was there, and Kevin knew if he didn’t at least try, he’d likely be up the rest of that night wondering and kicking himself for not finding out the answer while he could.
So, with a sigh, Kevin looked back over at the Roadrunner. “So, Beep-Beep… Can I ask you something? Something that… might be a bit awkward?”
“Beep beep!”
“Great, great… So, uh… You do know that most friends don’t try to eat each other, right?”
If he didn’t know any better, Kevin might have thought the Roadrunner was about to straight up laugh at him for suggesting such a thing. Instead, the Roadrunner simply smiled and gave another, “Beep beep!”
As he should have expected, Kevin silently told himself. Obviously the Roadrunner wasn’t THAT naive (though, he argued with himself, maybe it was still good to check, just in case.)
“Okay,” Kevin said slowly, “so, then… Do you really consider Wile E. to be a friend, or were you just saying that because you wanted to help him at his trial?”
Much like when he’d initially asked if they were friends, Roadrunner hesitated in giving an answer at first, his smile faltering a bit.
“It’s okay if- if you don’t want to get into it,” Kevin quickly added. “Obviously it’s none of my business. I guess I’m just… curious, you know? I asked Wile E. once why he was so focused on you specifically instead of any other toon or prey, and he didn’t really have an answer for it either, so…”
That, surprisingly, made Roadrunner’s smile return, just a little. To Kevin, it almost looked like relief.
Quickly searching the area that surrounded him, Roadrunner quickly spotted a stray twig over on the far lane of the road. Snatching it up with his wing, Roadrunner then rushed back over to the side of the road he and Kevin had been on and began drawing in the sand, his fluffy feathered body bent at a low angle, still keeping his feet planted firmly on the concrete as he drew.
Taking a couple careful steps towards the bird, Kevin squatted down and watched as multiple road runners were drawn. Then, next to each of them, Roadrunner drew what Kevin could only describe as different would-be ends for a creature such as him. Typical desert threats like hawks and bobcats and a giant roaring semi truck, each able to take out a normal road runner in mere minutes, symbolized by the Roadrunner crossing out each of his bird drawings.
Looking up at the Roadrunner’s face now, the bird met Kevin’s gaze and gave him a small shrug in response, not being too pleased about these scenarios, but not being too sad about them either - circle of life and all that jazz, Kevin thought to himself.
With one mighty sweep of his foot, Roadrunner was able to erase all his art, giving him space to draw something new - something that made him smile widely once more. Not just any coyote but HIS coyote, the one and only Wile E. Coyote, surrounded by simple versions of the traps and bombs and weapons he tried to use on a near daily basis.
Each of these items was then crossed out by the Roadrunner one by one, rendered irrelevant and deemed not an important threat, yet the drawing of Wile E. remained untouched - unable to be stopped by failure, and always ready to try something new.
“...You like the challenge too, don’t you?” Kevin finally realized.
“Beep beep,” Roadrunner replied, eyes still locked to the ground as he continued drawing, placing a sand-drawn version of himself next to the coyote before encompassing them both in the same wide circle. A world that was all their own.
The outside world may have been filled with other toons and other animals, but as far as both Wile E. and Beep-Beep were concerned, they were two of a kind.
Just as Wile E. woke up every day with the determination to face a near impossible challenge, Roadrunner woke up each day to face whatever extraordinary schemes Wile E. had in store for him, choosing to engage and outrun instead of ignoring or actively fighting back. Honestly, it was so obvious that Kevin wanted to roll his eyes at himself for not picking up on it sooner.
Roadrunner gave Wile E. a reason to hunt and Wile E. gave Roadrunner a reason to run. Their lives and the daily cycles they took part in without any reluctance or regret, it was all more than just simple biology or even toon logic, more than just friendship or rivalry. It was impossible to explain, yet it was also the simplest thing in the world.
“I think I understand now,” Kevin nodded, to which Roadrunner gave a happy chirp. Still, leave it to a lawyer to always have at least one follow up question. “I know it’s not exactly a guarantee-” practically the exact opposite- “but… do you think he’s actually going to catch you one day?”
It was at this point that Roadrunner finally decided to use one of his signs, as though to make sure the human knew exactly what he meant: “I HOPE SO!”
Any response Kevin could have given to an answer like that seemed nonexistent in his brain, causing him to just stare back at the bird, who again seemed to be holding back laughter.
Then, suddenly, Kevin saw Roadrunner’s eyes look up at the sky above them. Without any hesitation, Roadrunner blew a raspberry, let out a loud “BEEP BEEP!” and ran off, just narrowly missing an incoming (and obviously homemade) drone, which crashed hard into the sand near where he’d stood.
Letting out a yelp, Kevin fell backwards, trying to shield his face from all the now-flying sand and dust. “WILE E.!” he yelled in-between coughs. It took only a few seconds for the drone to sputter out, and a few more seconds for Kevin to get back onto his feet, feeling exasperated once more.
At the very least, Wile E. - standing several feet away, only a short ways away from Kevin’s car - had still remembered to bring his tools and even a spare car battery, both now sitting beside him in the sand. Though, given the remote control he was still gripping in his clawed hands (and his decision to bring the drone with him in the first place), it was easy to guess what the coyote had decided was a priority.
Seeing the look his human friend was now giving him, Wile E. quickly tossed the controller aside, kicking some sand over it, and giving Kevin a sheepish smile. The lawyer just sighed, shaking his head. “Whatever, man. Just come over and help me fix this thing before I get heat stroke.”
From atop a narrow butte that was juuust far away enough for him to not be seen, Roadrunner watched in amusement as Wile E. scrambled over to the front of the car, tools now in-hand and genius brain already getting to work. To him, his coyote was just as amazing as he was silly, as clever and deservedly proud as he was foolish and selfish. Strong and resilient, but with the ability to be soft-hearted too.
These made for fun contradictions, certainly, though Roadrunner knew they weren’t insurmountable ones. The chase couldn’t last forever; toons could live a long time and could withstand a ton of things (more than his fair share, in Wile E.’s case), but they weren’t immortal.
That said, it wasn’t as though the Roadrunner had a death wish, nor was he naive enough to believe that being cooked and eaten would be a pleasant and painless ordeal. Yet, at the same time, he wasn’t sure if there was any other way he wanted to leave this world.
One day, some day, probably years and years away if they were lucky - after all, they still had plenty of new things to learn and experience together, especially now that Wile E. was no longer being sabotaged by ACME, his failures still likely but no longer guaranteed. But once they had lived their lives, that day would eventually come, and Roadrunner wanted to embrace that day with open wings.
A day where Wile E. would come up with his greatest plan (his final plan), one that Roadrunner wouldn’t be able to outmaneuver or escape from. A day where the coyote’s natural bad luck and ego wouldn’t be enough to stop his success. A day where they would both be at their very best, because Roadrunner knew the prideful canine wouldn’t accept anything less for a true victory, and where Wile E.’s best would finally be good enough.
A day where Wile E. would finally catch up to him.
How amazing will that day be, Roadrunner wondered, a warm smile on his beak.
He was no inventor, just a happy-go-lucky runner, so it was hard for him to imagine what sort of trap or machine would finally be the one to work, but that just meant there were endless possibilities - as infinite as the sand that framed their chases. What would happen next also had a sense of mystery to it, as part of the Roadrunner if Wile E. would actually want to eat him in the end.
Maybe the coyote would be satisfied enough with simply saying that he’d caught his rival once and for all, and the two of them would enjoy their last days together. Or maybe Wile E. wouldn’t hesitate in gobbling him up, and Roadrunner would forever be known as truly the best meal ever.
For now, Roadrunner supposed that either scenario would be fine enough, though the idea of being the one thing that finally satiated his coyote’s eternal starvation, allowing Wile E. to be completely comfortable as he waited for oblivion, was an idea that admittedly warmed the bird’s heart alongside a small pinch of pride for both himself and his companion.
But until that day and that catch finally came - when, not if. He knew Wile E. well enough to understand it would never be an if - Roadrunner was happy to keep running and playing and staying by his friend’s side, traveling together over every day’s new horizon.
Though, if Wile E.’s new human friends wanted to come along with them on a few of those days, striving to understand and support the two of them as best they could, being yet another thing that made their extraordinarily exciting and looney days so interesting - well, Roadrunner was pretty happy with that idea too.
THE END