Chapter Text
"Alright, Pete, I'm heading off. Be good while I'm gone!" Aunt May's voice carried out through the house as she walked to the living room, where Peter was currently relaxing on the couch, re-watching Star Wars for about the hundredth time that summer (which was, honestly, impressive, considering it was July).
Peter perked up and turned his head to face her, keeping his eyes glued the screen. "Okay, be safe out there, text me when you land!"
May rolled her eyes so hard Peter could swear he heard it.
"I should be the one telling you to be safe, Pete. Please be careful while I'm gone, okay? If you get yourself killed the one time I go on vacation, I'm bringing you back just to kill you myself. You hear?"
He couldn't help but chuckle and give a mock salute at that.
"Yes, ma'am. No dying."
May smiled and bent down to kiss the top of his head (ignoring Peter's groan of protest), straightening back up and walking out with a cry of "bye!" thrown over her shoulder.
Right as the front door shut, Peter felt his phone buzz.
He huffed as he pulled his phone out, scrolling through the notifications. Ned wanted to hang out these days; honestly would be nice since summer had started and they had barely seen each other. His eye caught a message from Stiofán.
Captain Twink
Pete
Pete
Hi wsp🥹
Hypothetically.
if i drank bleach.
could i survive.
You did WHAT now.
it wwas a hypothetical ://
well did you.
yes
???DUMBASS
IT WAS FOR SIENCE
science
do you want me to call someone
I can call Mr Barnes
it's good!!
nnnoooo
are you dying
mmaybe
WHAT.
posssibly
I SAID MAYBE
STIOFÁN YOU CAN'T SCARE SOMEONE LIKE THAT.
well excuse me if i wanted your input on something :////
hater
tsk tsk can't even worry fir my favourite avenger://
don't tell Mr Stark
my mouth is SHUT
honouted to be your gav btw
🥹
yeah you ARE pretty gay
okay stfu :C
can't eben be married to a man without being valled gay these days
smh
??i saw gay so I SAID gay
that ain't bulltin
???? nullitin
BULLYING
did you have a stroke.
i think.
the bleavh taking effect
aren't you like kinda too string to die from this
no i mam
hi mam i'm Peter nice to meet you.
i think i'm like
high
FUCK OFF
woahhhh.
cussing out a minor.
not very captain america of you
im going to fing you.
find.
not
just kill me
let's not do that actually
:C
killjoy
i'm pulling up your PSA's.
ONG IM GONNS KILL YOU
DO NOT
AND WHAT WILL YOU DO IF I DO.
YOU CAN'T BEAT ME UP I'D WIN
maybe
would i????
i'm siccing buvky om you
probably not lek
i stole your shield
and then i dropped
like
40 tons on you
and I'm STILL ALIVE
i'm still standingggg
fair
i also blocked Blocked Bucky's metal arm
he was lwk afraidof you after that
good.
I'm joking
I love the guy I miss him
i miss him too
</3
are you not home rn
i miss my wife tauls
i miss her a lot
idk who tauls is but I can tell you 'bout tails
pkay fuck off
youk noe it was a snapcube reference
asshole
???i am tje DEVIL.
FROM THE BIBLE.
more like from the bibble
GOD thst was such a bad movie
ok bud://
hm
im thinking
REALLY????
do tou think
fuck off.
but do you think
i could eat a tidepod
mmmaybe?
think I could?
Aunt May left I can try
doit
bet.
tell me what happpesnd
keeping you updated!!
hell yea
Peter set his phone down with a sigh. Time to eat a tide pod he presumed??
Ough. WHy was he friends with that guy again???? His stomach hurts now.
He was mostly alright, actually. Maybe because of his enhanced metabolism? He pulled out his phone to update Stiofán without really looking at what he typed before throwing it somewhere on his bed and collapsing onto it himself.
He lazed around for a while before figuring he should probably, like, clean up around the house. Or something.
He sat up, pushing his hair away from his face and cringing at the feel of his hair. It was all… oily and shit. Yuck. Definitely time for a shower; he could worry about cleaning up the apartment later.
Or, wait, should he clean before the shower? That way even if he, for some reason or another, got dirty again he could wash off without feeling bad about wasting water.
Yeah, that seemed smart, actually. So he stood up and began cleaning up his room, which was. Insanely messy, actually. Sue him, it was summer and he was out of school, and he really only wanted to lay down and forget about everything for a while.
It took him a while to sort through everything in the place, but eventually everything looked marginally organized. Not so much that it felt, like, hospital-levels of clean, but just enough to not make it look like a hurricane passed by.
Finally, he could take that shower. He grabbed his phone from the bedside table, having to look around for a few minutes to even remember where he'd put it, and opening Spotify to blast some music to fill the ever-growing silence of the apartment as he stepped into the bathroom, shutting the door behind himself even if he was going to be home alone for the foreseeable future out of habit.
Peter stepped out of the bathroom with a pair of gym shorts and a ratty old star wars t-shirt he probably stole from Ned during one of their many hangouts a while back.
His phone had buzzed while he was in the shower, but he obviously hadn't stepped out just to check his phone. He might have been a phone addict, but he wasn't THAT far gone yet.
He was mildly surprised to see that the texts had come, once again, from Stiofán. The guy must be really bored in retirement. Also, the fact that Mr. Barnes wasn't home probably wasn't helping the situation.
Captain Twink
yeah my stomach hurts://
brb btw
Pete
Petey
Peter
hi
Hai!!
i'm. Bored
and i am
having
dangerous ideas
should i be scared.?.?.?
for yourself?
no
.
maybe
omfg
should I be scared for YOU????
NO HMO
so
bleach got me like
high
ish
drunk?
i don't think it's supposed to do that
yeah but
it did
don't
get addicted to bleach ig.?.?.
and now I'm thinking
i won'ttt
yee of little faith
mmmmm
idk your ideas scared me sometimes
mostly for YOUR well being
boo hoo
ok bud.
:///
so anyways
i realised
that
I miss smoking
skill issue
fuck uou
but
do you think we could like
and by we I mean you
make bleach smokeable,,????
idk if i can make bleach smokeable but i can try making normal weed stronger???
i mean
me and Ned don't just build Legos we mess around from time to time
👀
have I ever told you
how much i appreciate you
and that
spider man is my fav superhero
It's Spider-Man
not spider man
you forgot the hyphen
:///
uou KNOW my spelling is ass
excuses excuses
i literally type in lowercase
what aew we saying
you're just old
it gets harder to type
Tony struggles sometimes
i'm going ro. throw something st ypur school.
WHAT
yeah abyways
can you make me superweed
only if I get to smoke it too
OFC????
HELL YEAGHSFJJSIAT
im not a monster
you're so cool🥹
my favorite example to follo
follow
hell yeah
you probably shouldn't
but
i digress
literally my fav avenger omfg
JHFBRUGEUHGIERGBUE
HSGHSHSHSHGSBAJA
i can make superweed
just gotta call Ned for help
hoe long do you think you need to make superweed
depends
/genq
i think like 2 days at most after i find out how to make it
i will see you at your apt when you do
🥹
you can bet on that🥹🥹
SLEEPOVER
YEHEHEHSHSHSHAHAAHHAHA
Okay so. Time to make super weed for Captain America!!
.
Ned was gonna think he's crazy. Probably. But he kinda already does, so, who cares!
At this point this was normal, and it honestly worried him a bit. What was his life omfg.
Teamwork makes the dream work or something like that, and Peter along with Ned had managed to make an enhanced version of a normal stash of weed. They hadn't tried it yet, but it probably wasn't deadly.
He had to test it with Stiofán, anyways, and the guy had drunk bleach and SURVIVED. Which, speaking of, he needed to give him the all-good to come over.
If the press ever found his texts with the Captain America they'd both get cancelled, probably.
.
Definitely.
Risks of the job, he presumed.
But, anyways. He had to give Cap the okay to come over but they had sent enough messages for a criminal case already, so maybe a voice call would be better..?
So Peter let the phone ring.
Once…
…twice…
…he picked up on the second ring.
That man was online too much for his own good.
"Pete!!!" Stiofán's overly-hyper voice exploded from the small speaker.
Peter honestly couldn't hide the cheeky grin on his face as he heard the other's voice. "Heyy!! You good? Nothing to declare? Cause i got good news."
"OH?????? 's it what I think it is????" The older's voice dropped to a conspiratorial stage-whisper.
"Mmmmaybe it is!! Maybe not, depends on if you're free for a sleepover tonight." As he said that Peter made a mental note to ask what snacks he wanted for the night.
"Pete." His voice got that sort of deadpan that suggested he'd been hanging out with Bucky a little too much (which is fair. They're literally married.)
"..that's me!"
"Be so forreal w' me. When am I NOT free."
"I forget you're an old man with no social life apart from me and Bucky, sorry!!" Peter knew it wasn't true, but it was fun to make fun of the other. Who could blame him?
"..I'm going to hunt you down for sport, actually." To the untrained ear he might sound serious, even pissed off, but Peter knew him well enough by now to know that wasn't the case. Although, if he had to be honest, the first times he heard him talk like that he was scared he actually pissed him off.
"Woaaaaah. Threatening your dealer? And a minor at that. That's not very Captain America PSA worthy of you."
"You're not m' dealer, you're m' friend who also happens to know how t' make Super-Weed!" He paused, thinking for a moment, before adding, "Also, we agreed not to talk 'bout the PSA's."
"Yeah yeah to-may-to, to-mah-to. When are you planning on getting here? And I never agreed not to talk about the PSA's. You just thought I did."
"I'm gonna ignore that for your sake," Stiofán said, which really meant he was ignoring it for his own sake, "and, really, as we've already established, I'm free whenever. You can just let me know when it's alright for me to swing by. Also, I'm gonna stop at that sandwich place you like to grab us some dinner, so text me your order, yeah?"
"Oh my God, I could actually self combust right now. Ilysm." Peter was actually kinda hungry, so the timing was perfect.
"Yeah, yeah, keep the flattery to a minimum, Queens." The teasing lilt in the other's voice was the only thing to give away that he absolutely did not mind the flattery, actually.
Peter roller his eyes at that, and he was pretty sure Stiofán could hear it from the other end of the phone. "By the way, I'm gonna go buy some snacks later; tell me what you want right now cause I'm going out in, like, a few minutes. Or you can also text me it, Idm."
"Ooooohh, can you get me some potato chips?? Like, the really good ones in paprika flavor."
"You know ball, man. I'm also gonna get some Pringles, and maybe sour patch kids? Depends on how much money I wanna spend."
"If you want, I can jus' pay ya' back whenever I get there?" The offer was one Stiofán made almost every time they hung out, insisting that he really had too much money, anyways.
"Say that again, I dare you. Nah, I got it for the snacks. You sound like Mr. Stark right now. You know I don't mind paying for stuff." Peter shrugged, and belatedly realized that, considering this was a voice call, Stiofán couldn't actually see it.
"Do NAWT compare me to Tony. We are two very different individuals." He paused. "Also, 'm not nearly as easy to rage-bait."
"They say opposites attract, if you know what i mean." And Peter was gonna have fun hearing the other's reaction to that, because the guy was adamant on saying it was "just a crush" and, honestly, Peter was just gonna keep trying to play match-maker until they grew up and actually talked like normal people. 'Cause Mr. Stark was not better than Stiofán.
"I- Pete. You little shit." Wait for it….
"It's just a crush, it'll pass; we've been over this." Called it.
"And I still don't believe you. I mean, you look at him like he hung the stars and moon in the sky. Plus, I'm just telling the truth, you can't argue with me. People do say that opposites attract."
"Yeah, well, people are stupid." He huffed in that way that made him seem like a literal toddler, and not a 100-something-year-old in the body of a 27-year-old.
"Yeah, well, you and Mr. Barnes are pretty different. And me and MJ are pretty different, too." He mused, because he knew that Stiofán knew to pick his battles (he'd eventually learned, thanks to Mr. Barnes drilling him about it for nearly their whole lives).
He was silent for a beat or two, before finally blurting out, "Whatever. I hate when you're right."
"Except I'm always right." He didn't stop the cockiness from slipping into his voice, and he noticed how similar he sounded to Mr. Stark. Like, not in his actual cadence or whatever. Just, the speech pattern and mannerisms were the same. Huh. Scary.
It seemed like Stiofán also noticed, because he snorted, amused, and said: "Okay, Stark Junior."
"Is this why people think I'm actually his biological son? I don't sound that much like him!" Peter had actually been curious. He was not nearly as bold as Mr. Stark. Only with certain people, maybe.
"Pete. A stór ." Oh, he's pulling out the Gaelic, okay. "Y' really do."
"You make me sound old. And you're the one who's over 100 years old!"
" 'm really not doing anythin', but you do you, I guess. Listen, I gotta go. Buck's gettin' on my case 'bout somethin' and I'm not even sure he knows what it is." He had that fond, sort of exasperated tone in his voice that he reserved only for Mr. Barnes.
"Waitwaitwaitwaitwait-! Say hi to Mr. Barnes for me!! I miss you Mr. Barnes let's hang out soon!!"
There was a short silence on the other line after Stiofán relayed the message, but eventually he piped up again "He says he misses you, too, Pete. And that he'd be more than happy to hang when he's not swamped with work."
For some reason, Peter doubts Mr. Barnes had actually said all that-he probably replied in a grunt or a mumble that for some reason Stiofán always managed to understand perfectly.
"Can't wait! Remember to rest, too. Can't only work in life."
Stiofán coughed and mumbled something that sounded an awful lot like "hypocrite", but before Peter could call him out on the irony of that statement he was saying his goodbyes and hanging up.
Peter sighed, grabbing his wallet and keys to go to the corner store and restock on snacks. He had a longgg night ahead of him. He should get some energy drinks, too: not like they were going to sleep, anyways. One for now and two more for later. Two for him, one for Stiofán.
Peter had probably exaggerated with the snacks. The coffee table in his living room was practically spilling over with how much stuff was on it. He had managed to put the energy drinks in the refrigerator, and he might've had to take a few things out to do so, but who's to say?
Stiofán would've been there any second, so Pete decided to go grab the stash from under his mattress and everything he needed to roll it up.
..which he failed miserably at. Listen, he was not good at rolling up- usually Ned took care of that. He sighed, deciding he was just gonna ask Stiofán for help.
As if on cue, his doorbell rang. He hid the Super-Weed (he really had to trademark that. Or, maybe not, because then he'd have to admit he made it) on the off-chance that this wasn't Stiofán and got up to open the door.
Sure enough, there he was, in all his 6 foot something glory: Stiofán Grant "Steve" Barnes, all smiles and holding a plastic bag, which he held up triumphantly as he declared "Dinner's here!"
Peter felt like he could honestly kiss him right then and there. (On, like, the forehead, obviously.)
He was wearing what he called his "punk outfit that isn't actually punk because the press would lose their shit if [he] wore an actual punk outfit", which consisted of a black tank-top, gray-black ripped jeans and black faux leather fingerless gloves. So just a whole lotta dark colors all around.
He was actually grinning ear to ear, because of course he was, the dumbass.
"Fuck yeah, I'm starving! Literally the only reason I'm glad you're here."
He stepped up to hug the other, even as he teased. He had gotten really close with the man recently and he felt comfortable enough to joke around with him, which something that probably would've never happened before. Hell, he was still weirded out by the fact he was calling him by his first name.
Stiofán raised an unimpressed brow at his words, rolling his eyes fondly. "Oh, I'm sure that's the reason, bud. For sure. Uh huh." As he spoke he stepped inside, handing off the bag to the younger.
"Yeah you can go now, for sure trust!!" Peter moved to set the bag with their dinner on the table, before turning to look back at the other with a mischievous grin; the older just stared for a few seconds before his brain caught up with the situation and he gave him a matching grin.
Oh, yeah.