Archive of Our Own

Red and green lights glistened in the moonlight, atop each and every building. Decorations sat in each courtyard on campus. Reindeers and Santa Clauses, nativity scenes and snowmen. 

Ponyboy sipped at his hot chocolate as he looked at the decorations around every corner. He’d hoped the hot drink would warm him up. It wasn’t really, but he pretended it was for about ten seconds each time he took a drink. He tapped his finger against the styrofoam, but it didn’t make a sound due to the mittens on his hands. 

He stopped walking for a moment, turning his gaze up towards the sky, and looking at the stars. He’d loved the constellations since he was a little boy, and so had his mother. That’s where his love had stemmed from, she taught her little Ponyboy everything she knew. 

Pony thought about the North Star that the three wise men followed to see Baby Jesus. He wondered if following that star would take him back to Tulsa. Back home, to his brothers. He was more than willing to walk back to Tulsa and follow the star all night long, in below freezing weather, if it meant he got to hug Darry and Soda. 

It almost took more willpower than Pony had to go to his dorm rather than head home right then and there. He sighed heavily, breath fogging the air as he resumed his walk to his room. He chunked his hot chocolate into the nearest trash can, not bothering to finish it. 

The heat of the building immediately hit him like a sauna. While he felt grateful for the warmth, the sight of the large Christmas tree only made him feel bitter. 

It’s not that Pony didn’t like Christmas, in fact he loved it, always had. But this was his first year at college, the most time he’d ever spent away from home, and more importantly his brothers. Now, he was obviously going home for Christmas. But break wasn’t for another week, and he had to get through finals before that anyway. All Christmas seemed to do these days was widen the gaping hole in his heart that constantly ached for his brothers. 

He felt a little silly, thinking about it, I mean—he’d only just seen them at Thanksgiving. And that really was only last month. But this year had been anything but easy on Pony.

Moving away from the only home he’d ever known, the only family he had left, had been one of the most difficult things he’d ever done. He knew —even as he cried that night because he felt so lonely— that this was the right decision. But that didn’t mean it was easy, and it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. All those feelings could exist simultaneously. 

Ponyboy loved college, he truly did. And Southwestern State College was a great school. He enjoyed most of his classes, and he had some great professors that he really looked up to. He enjoyed college track even more than in high school. He was one of the best on the team, and even made some friends.

He enjoyed the feeling of independence, being in charge of his own life. And Darry had taught him well. He spent lots of time studying, didn’t stay up all hours partying when he had early classes the next day. He really was trying his best, and for the most part enjoying himself. 

But his classes were hard sometimes, and the homework and tests could be absolutely brutal. Plus, he was younger than everyone, and smaller. It took him a long while to finally feel like he belonged here, even somewhat. 

But mostly, he missed home, and he missed his brothers. Glory, did he miss his brothers. Technically, they were only four hours away. Maybe more like three and a half. But the idea of not seeing them every single day still felt completely foreign to Ponyboy. He’d only been here for four months after all, he was still trying to find his footing. He was close enough to make a weekend trip to see them, or vice versa. But he couldn’t afford the gas to do that every weekend. Nor did he have the time, he spent most of his weekend free time studying anyway. 

And, again, it had only been a month since they were together last. And he’d seen them on fall break the month before that when his brothers visited him. He was just being a baby. Christmas was truly giving him the blues this year, and he wasn’t sure how he was going to get through it. 

Pony gave the large Christmas tree a once over, before hurrying down the hall to his own room. 

“You ain’t gonna believe it, man!”

Pony raised an eyebrow, Eric loved to start yapping about nonsense before he even had a chance to shut the door. “Yeah? What’s that?” 

“You remember Laura? The girl I took out last night?”

Pony unzipped his coat, tugging at the zipper a couple times before it finally went all the way down. He sighed, hanging it up and placing his mittens in the pockets, hat on the rack. “You wouldn’t shut up about it all week, Eric. How could I forget?”

“Right. So, I took her out last night. We got a pizza and went bowling, then went out for milkshakes. We were talkin’, I was bein’ a gentleman. She was laughin’ at all my jokes — even when they weren’t funny!”

Pony kicked his shoes off, throwing his backpack on the floor near the foot of his bed, before sitting on it. “Well, she sure sounds like a keeper, then.”

“That’s what I said!” Eric’s eyes grew larger as he hit the desk for emphasis. “Anyway, she was s’posed to call me after school today and we were gonna plan to go out again.” 

“Let me guess.” Pony sighed, leaning back against the wall behind his bed. “She didn’t call.” 

“Worse. She did! And she said she can’t go out tonight because she’s goin’ out with someone else.”

Pony raised an eyebrow. “She just… flat out told ya she’s goin’ out with someone else?”

“Uh-huh!” He nodded emphatically. “And you’ll never guess who!”

“Umm—”

Andrew!”

Ponyboy blinked. “Wait like… Andrew, your best friend, Andrew.”

“Yes!” Eric said. “Can you believe it? I told him all about our date and then he went and stole her from me!”

“Wow.” Pony said, rubbing his forehead. This whole thing gave him a headache, but he couldn’t say he wasn’t accustomed to it. Things like this seemed to happen to Eric near enough every week. “What are ya gonna do?” 

Eric jumped up from the bed. “I’m gonna give my supposed best friend a black eye and then no girl’s gonna go out with ‘im.” 

Pony’d given up on trying to stop Eric from his half baked ideas of revenge, he knew it was pointless anyway. Plus, he never meant a word he said. Eric talked a big game, but he would never hurt anyone. Especially Andrew. Those two were peas in a pod, the best of friends. Pony could see them getting into nothing more than an arm wrestling match, or exchanging a few words. But nobody would get hurt in the end. 

Eric was zipping up his coat and slipping on his earmuffs as Pony watched him. “Let me know how it goes, man.”

“I will. See ya later, Pony.”

“See ya.” Pony waved, watching the door click behind his roommate, leaving him alone, for what would most likely be the remainder of the night. 

Ponyboy didn’t mind at all, he preferred a nice, quiet room to study in. And he very much doubted Eric planned to do much of that this week. 

He picked up his backpack, lugging it onto his bed. He unzipped it and removed his History book. 

Over the next couple weeks, Ponyboy spent every spare second he had studying. He knew he had to do well on his finals. If he didn’t keep his grades up, not only couldn’t he run track, but he would lose his scholarship. Plus, and maybe most important of all to him, he wanted to make his brothers proud. 

Darry and Sodapop had sacrificed everything just for him to be able to go to college. Especially Darry. He still remembered right after Johnny and Dally died, when he was so lost in his grief that he couldn’t tell up from down or left from right. That entire week was truly a blur in his mind, but he remembered some things vividly. Like when his brothers had told him he would go to college, and they would pay for it. They would make sure he got to go, no matter what it took. They wanted him to get everything he desired out of life, they wanted him to make it out. And he had. 

Ponyboy thought about when he and Johnny dreamed of being far away from Tulsa every night. And now he was, and he wanted nothing more than to go back. 

Back to his brothers, back to his home. 

He appreciated everything his brothers had done for him, truly. As Pony got older, he realized just how big the sacrifices Darry had made for him were. And he was still doing it, even though Pony was grown and in college. He’d truly sacrificed everything just for Ponyboy, and Pony wanted to make his big brother proud, both his big brothers. So he had to make sure to ace all his finals, he had to make sure they thought he was happy, all the time. He didn’t want them to think he was squandering the gift of an education he’d been given. 

They needed to know that he appreciated them, and all that they did. That he was grateful for his college education, and his brothers. That he was trying his best to do well in college and learn every day. He never really told them about the hard parts, just the good days, the fun he was having and the studying he did. They did so much to make him happy, and he wanted to return the favor. 

He never mentioned the long hours and all nighters he spent studying, just to pass all the tests or finish his homework. He didn’t mention that after his first track practice he threw up and then cried because he was afraid he wasn’t as good as all these bigger, older college guys. He didn’t tell them that he still had nightmares, even now — especially when he was overly stressed or tired. He didn’t tell them that some nights he wanted nothing more than to snuggle up next to Soda, and feel safe and warm again, just once. He didn’t tell them how many nights he’d spent crying himself to sleep because he missed Johnny and Dally, or his parents, sometimes even his brothers.

He never really told anyone about those things. His roommate knew bits and pieces, because, well, he’d accidentally woken him up with his nightmares a few times. That had embarrassed him so much that he’d hardly slept for the next week. 

Pony longed to tell his brothers, he really longed to tell Johnny. But he kept it all inside, knowing that was the way to make his brothers the happiest, and the proudest. 

Ponyboy would do anything in the world, to make his brothers happy, no matter what it might cost him. 

It was Monday, when he finally called his brothers, ironing out plans for Christmas, and when he would finally be home that weekend. 

“We got some of the decorations up, but we’re waitin’ til you get here to do the tree!” Soda told him. 

“Y’all sure? Ya ain’t gotta wait on me.”

“Hey.” Darry said. “We’ve always put up the tree together, and just cause you’re in college now, don’t mean that’s gonna change.”

He giggled. “Thanks, y’all.”

“So, when do you think you’ll get here on Saturday?” Soda asked, chipper as ever. 

“I think I’m gonna try and leave around nine, so maybe around one?” 

“We can’t wait! Dar and I took the whole weekend off so we can all spend time together and decorate the house.” 

“He might be tired when he gets here, Pepsi. Ya know he’s got finals this week, those take a lot outta ya.”

“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t know. I never took none.”

Both Soda and Pony laughed. 

“I am busy with finals, but nothin’s gonna stop me from decoratin’ the tree with y’all.”

“That’s the spirit, kid! See, Dar, Pony ain’t no Scrooge.”

Pony heard what sounded like a small scuffle before hearing an ouch from his middle brother. 

“Anyway, kid, how ya doin’? Studyin’ hard? I’m sure ya are, I know how seriously you take your classes. How’s it goin’?”

Pony let out a sigh. His gut instinct was to tell them he was more stressed out than he had ever been, and completely terrified of failing every single test and getting kicked out of college in his first semester. He wanted to tell them that he was so exhausted from studying that he could hardly function during the day, and his insomnia was even worse from the stress. He wanted to tell them that he missed him more than he had all year, and Saturday couldn’t come soon enough. Heck, maybe he’d drive down Friday night just so he could hug his brothers sooner. 

But he didn’t say any of that. 

“I’m okay. Been studyin’ mostly. These tests ain’t no joke.” 

“I know it, kiddo. Ya need any help? Any of your classes seem hard? If I know anything I’d be happy to help ya, answer some questions if ya got ‘em.”

He shook his head, though Darry couldn’t see it through the phone. “I think I got it covered. Thanks though, Dar.” 

The line was quiet for a moment before Darry answered. “Okay. Well, hey, you call us if it gets to be too much, alright? This first semester is always the roughest, and we’re here if you need anything, okay?” 

“I know you are.” Pony told him. “I’ll make it.” He said, wondering full well how he possibly would. 

“I’m so proud of you, baby.”

Pony shut his eyes, moving the phone away so he could let out a shaky breath that his brothers wouldn’t hear. “ I know. Thank you.” 

Soda stole the phone. “I miss you so much, honey. On Saturday I’m gonna give you the biggest bear hug and the sloppiest kiss and ain’t gonna leave your side the entire break!”

“I miss you too, Soda. Hey, I gotta go, but I’ll see y’all soon. Love ya, tell Darry that too. Bye.”

Soda blinked, staring down at the receiver as the long tone droned on.

“He hung up awful quick.” Darry said, eyebrows furrowed. “Usually he makes sure we both tell him bye and that we love him ‘fore he even thinks of hangin’ up.”

“Yeah.” Soda said, finally hanging the phone up on the wall again. “I was thinkin’ the same thing.” 

When he tried to sleep that night, all he could do was think about his tests and disappointing his brothers if he didn’t do well. Their words from the phone call echoed in his mind. They were proud of him, and he couldn’t let them down. 

Finally, after what felt like hours of tossing and turning and thinking, Pony managed to fall asleep. But it was less than two hours before he was awoken again, in the throes of a nightmare. 

He sat up, gasping for air as he tried to get his bounds. He was in bed, in his dorm, he was okay. Despite what his brain was trying to tell him right now. He glanced over at his roommate, glad to see that he was still asleep. 

Pony ran a hand down his face, before slowly climbing out of bed. He wasn’t interested in having another nightmare, if he could even manage to get back to sleep. So, he grabbed his backpack and headed out to the common room to do some more studying. 

He didn’t have nightmares all that often anymore, it was usually only when he was stressed. Well, he certainly was right now, so wasn’t exactly surprised. 

The room was empty, since it was three a.m. and all, which Pony was perfectly content with. 

He sat on the couch, taking out his literature book, and opening it. He blinked, rubbing his eyes as the words blurred in front of him. He was so tired, and he had to be up in just four hours…but he’d rather be exhausted than see more images of his brothers hurt or worse in his nightmares. 

So, with a tired mind and an exhausted soul, Ponyboy Curtis stayed up all night studying. 

Well, he tried to anyway. Suddenly someone was shaking his shoulder as he opened his eyes. He blinked a few times, trying to see who it was. “Eric?”

“Ponyboy, what are you doing out here?”

Pony sat up, rubbing his eyes as he looked around. “I was studyin’. Guess I fell asleep. What time is it?”

“Ten til eight.”

“What?!” Pony jumped up, gathering his things as quickly as he could. “I have class in ten minutes, I’m gonna be late!” 

“Why’d you sleep in here? Did you get drunk and forget which room was yours?”

Pony rolled his eyes, not bothering to reply as he sprinted down the hall to his room to get ready.

Unfortunately, the rest of Pony’s day wasn’t much better than his morning. His professor was nice enough to let him in late, but the moment he walked in and looked at the board he panicked. He was supposed to give a presentation today and completely forgot about it. He ended up having to wing it and that had not gone well. He didn’t know the answer to most of the professor's questions and barely knew the material, so there was no way he was passing that. 

He also received his failed biology test back from last week. Ponyboy couldn’t believe it—he’d never failed a test before. Now, he was even more worried about the final. He was also on the verge of flunking his math class. 

Glory, what would Darry say? He was glad he wasn’t in high school anymore, having to take home a note or something for Darry to sign so he knew he was failing. But part of Pony almost wished that would happen… he was instead being eaten alive by guilt. Darry had worked hard to send him to college and he didn’t want to squander the privilege he’d been given. Most of all he didn’t want to disappoint his brothers. He wanted them to be proud of him, heck he wanted to make himself proud too. 

These days, Pony felt more sad and disappointed in himself than he had in a long while.

After the longest morning of Pony’s life, lunch finally rolled around. He was starving and needed a break, so he was grateful. He was hoping some of his friends might have some words of wisdom for him. The older boys on the track team may have some good advice, they’d been through this week when they were freshman. Ponyboy asked to sit with them… but they’d told him the table was full. That made no sense, anytime that happened they’d just pull up a chair, it’d never been a reason not to let a friend sit with them. 

He tried a couple other buddies, but everyone seemed to say the same thing. They were saving their seats or were too busy.  Not even Pony’s friends wanted to be around him right now. He must be even more pathetic than he thought. 

Swarmed with emotions, taking every single ounce of strength not to cry, Pony threw his tray out and ran from the dining room as quickly as he could. 

He ran to the bathroom, grateful that it was empty. He shut one of the stall doors, locked it and let himself cry. On top of all the stress he was already feeling, this felt like being kicked when he was already down.

Classes were kicking his butt, he felt like he couldn’t do anything right anymore. It had never been this stressful in high school. Sure, it was hard, and Darry helped him with his homework a lot. And he’d had his fair share of difficult semester tests too. But college was different. He was on his own, and there was so much more riding on this. Ponyboy used to know he was smart, he used to feel smart. But the past couple months, he didn’t feel smart at all? If he was smart he wouldn’t have failed that biology test. If he was smart he wouldn’t be nearly failing math. If he were smart…maybe he could have sat with his friends at lunch instead of spending it crying in the bathroom. 

A few minutes later, Pony managed to compose himself before he had to leave the bathroom. He wiped his tears, rinsed his face and headed to his (thankfully) final class of the day.

It was literature, his favorite, and he really hoped it would be better than the rest of his classes had been. 

But of course, no such luck. It wasn’t until Ponyboy got to class that he remembered he couldn’t for the life of him find his textbook. He couldn’t possibly imagine where he’d left it that he couldn’t find it for days. Luckily he had the book he needed to read for the homework, that the semester test would be covering. But glory, did he have a lot of pages to read tonight on top of studying. He liked the book, and of course he loved to read. But he just couldn’t understand how he would have time to read 250 pages on top of everything else he needed to do.

He truly didn’t know how he was going to do it all. 

Finally, when he finished with classes, all Pony wanted to do was lay in his bed, read a book and drink a Pepsi. Of course, he couldn’t do that because he had to study, but he could still relax in his bed with a nice cold Pepsi while he studied. 

Except, when he arrived at the door, he saw a rubber band on the handle, groaning. That meant that Eric was in there with a girl and didn’t want to be interrupted. Usually, he didn’t mind that much, he had no problem finding something to do for a few hours and letting Eric use the room. But he was not having a good day, or a good week really, so this upset him more than it normally would. 

All the same, he took his stuff and headed to the library to study instead, forgoing the Pepsi he’d been craving all day long. Maybe that was the reason for his headache, he needed some caffeine. Pony usually had some coffee in the mornings, and a couple Pepsi’s throughout the day and evening, but he hadn’t had time for any of that, today. 

With an empty stomach and a splitting headache, Pony headed to the library and once again began studying. 

When he arrived, Pony took a seat in the corner he usually sat in when he studied. He threw down his backpack and got out his biology book, apparently he needed to work on that subject. When he pulled out the large textbook, a photo fell out of his bag with it, upside down. 

He picked it up with a frown, turning it over to see what it was. And a small smile appeared on his face when he did. 

It was a picture of him and Johnny, one of Pony’s favorites. It was on Pony's thirteenth birthday. They were in the backyard, having a cookout to celebrate the occasion, the whole gang came over. 

Johnny and Pony had spent some time sitting in the backyard while Pony read Great Expectations out loud. They each had a Pepsi in their hand, and wide smiles on their faces, the book sat on the ground between them as they posed for the picture.

His father had taken it, Pony remembered. His dad had always loved pictures. He loved taking them and then keeping them forever. Darrel would look through photo albums often, his face lighting up as if he felt like he was reliving the moment all over again in its entirety. He liked to say that photos captured moments of magic so you could relive them forever. And Pony always thought that’s what his dad had done when he looked at photos. Relived the moment, and that magic that made it special. 

Darrel had always been great at taking photos because he knew how to make people laugh. He never let anyone look serious or unhappy if he was taking a picture, he always found a way to make them laugh. Even if he had to look silly or tell a stupid dad joke to do it. 

Ponyboy rubbed his thumb over Johnny’s face, the smile on his lips. The smile that only a privileged few ever saw the dark-haired boy wear. And this one was so genuine. That’s the thing about Darrel Curtis, when he got people to smile for the camera, he always made them truly smile. 

Pony’d been missing his best friend a lot lately. It was always harder around the holidays. He never truly understood what people meant by that until he lost someone. 

The holidays are meant to be a joyful celebration surrounded by the people you love. And while it was still that, with the people Pony did have left in his life—it would never be the same. 

He and Johnny would never break the wishbone again on Thanksgiving. His parents would never pile Johnny’s plate the highest, to make sure he had more than enough food. 

Pony, Johnny and Dally would never go to a haunted house together again. He and Johnny would never trick or treat or hand out candy together again. Johnny had always loved handing candy out the most, ever since he was little. He loved making children happy, seeing their faces light up with smiles. Pony thought this was because he didn’t want them to have to feel sad and miserable like he always had. 

Christmas was certainly the hardest, Johnny had always loved the bright lights and decorations. He’d helped decorate their house for Christmas for as long as Pony could remember. Pony would always get a new book, and Johnny always wanted his best friend to read it out loud. They would sit underneath the glow of the Christmas tree with mugs of hot chocolate, the radio quietly humming in the background as Pony read. It had always been his favorite part of the day. 

Johnny loved baking cookies and drinking apple cider. Mostly, he enjoyed everyone being together. He also liked the food. Pony tried not to think about the fact that it was one of the only home cooked, nice meals he ever received. 

Mr. and Mrs. Curtis always made sure the whole gang had Christmas presents. If it hadn’t been for them, half those boys wouldn’t have ever received gifts on Christmas. 

Steve’s dad would sometimes hand over some money, if he happened to remember the holiday. Johnny was lucky if his parents were nice enough not to yell or beat on him for the day, and Dally had come to Christmas dinner with a black eye and bruised knuckles on more than one occasion. 

Johnny had nearly cried the first time he’d received a Christmas gift from Mr. and Mrs. Curtis. That’s when Pony had truly realized how hard his home life was, and what kind of parents he really had. Growing up on the east side of Tulsa, it was easy to figure out the score at such a young age. 

All seven boys were invited to Christmas dinner too. Mrs. Curtis insisted they come every year, saying those boys would go hungry on Christmas over her dead body. Two-Bit’s family usually came as well, with their parents being such close friends and all. 

Even with the little money they had, there’d always been lots of love and laughter and joy in the Curtis house on Christmas.

There were less people around the tree these days, but just as much love, accompanied with some melancholy for those bright smiles that were now gone. That’s how grief was for Pony. He could still find joy in those beautiful moments in life, but there would always be a bit of sadness to accompany it. Because there would always be a face missing from those special moments. 

Like when Ponyboy got his acceptance letter to college. Sure, his brothers had been absolutely thrilled. Soda spun him around in circles, and Darry ran around the house with Pony on his shoulders. For a moment he’d regretted telling them at all, but he had to admit, he loved seeing them so happy. So proud. The joy on their faces was truly the best part of receiving the acceptance letter. 

And Ponyboy knew that Johnny would have been just as happy for him, but in his own way. He probably wouldn’t have spun him around in circles or put him on his shoulders. But he definitely would’ve given him a big hug, and smiled one of those rare smiles when he looked genuinely happy. 

He knew Johnny would have been so proud of him then, and he would be so proud of him now. The thought should have made him happy, but it only made him sad. It only made him miss his best friend even more somehow, which Pony didn’t think was possible in all honesty. 

Going to college without Johnny here had been much harder than he anticipated. 

Ponyboy Curtis wasn’t sure he would ever understand grief. It would hit him like a truck out of nowhere sometimes. 

Anytime something exciting happened, he wanted to call up Johnny and tell him all about it. Or when he was having a bad day, and the only thing in the world Pony wanted to hear was Johnny’s voice. When the days were long and the nights were longer, he needed a friend to talk to; because right now Pony wasn’t sure how he could make it through this. Glory, he wished with all his heart that he could talk to his best friend for even five minutes. 

“Sorry, I’m late.”

Ponyboy jumped, looking up at the young girl who was suddenly sitting across from him and placing her books down on the table. 

“My History class ran late, and then I had to walk all the way across campus to get here.” She let out a breath, taking off her coat and straightening up her hair. 

“Late?” Pony asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Yeah, we were supposed to meet at 3:30, right? It’s almost four now…” She trailed off, noticing the look on his face. “You forgot didn’t you?” She leaned back in the chair, crossing her arms. 

He blinked at her for a moment before quickly shaking his head. “Forgot? No, no I didn’t forget.” He laughed awkwardly, scratching the back of his head. 

“Sure.” She said slowly, pursing her lips together. She sighed, “you promised to help me study for English, remember? But if you can’t, then—”

“No, no. right, right, yeah, I remember.” Pony pinched the bridge of his nose. This had just happened three days ago. They were all sitting together at lunch and Hazel mentioned that she was nervous for the English test. Pony, out of the goodness of his heart, had offered to help her study. How was he supposed to know that the day they planned to meet on would end up being one of the worst of his life?

“Okay.” He sighed, looking up at her. “You’re right. I forgot. But it’s fine, I’m here studying anyway.”

“Are you sure? We could find another time…” 

On most any other day, this wouldn’t have been a problem for Pony at all. He helped others study all the time, participated in study groups, even did some light tutoring. But today was…it was not his day. 

But, she had finals just like he did this week. She was a freshman just like him, probably feeling just as lost and stressed out. And he’d agreed to study with her, the least he could do was keep his promise.

“No.” Ponyboy shook his head, getting his English book out of his bag. “No, don’t be silly. We’re both already here. Let’s do it.” 

Hazel looked a bit hesitant, but got her book out anyway. 

“Now, let’s start on page 101…” 

Ponyboy and Hazel studied for about three hours, and she told him she felt confident once they were finished. Which he was glad about. At least he had managed to help one person today. 

“I’m gonna go get some supper. Wanna come?”

He almost said yes, especially after that lunch fiasco. And plus he was starving. But then he remembered how much studying he still had left to do. “No, thanks. Think I’ll stay here and hit the books.”

She raised an eyebrow, zipping up her bag. “Come on, we’ve been here for hours and you were here before me. Take a break.”

He shook his head, forcing a slight smile. “No, I’m fine. Really. I’ll see ya later, though?”

She stared at him for a moment, before finally nodding. “Okay. See ya later.” She gave him a smile. “Thanks for the help.”

“No problem.” He waved as she left, and he was alone once again. 

He really didn’t mind helping her study, or anyone for that matter. He’d always enjoyed helping others study, and the tutoring sessions he’d signed up for. It felt really good to see the look on someone’s face when they finally understood something, and he loved being a part of that. 

Except today, it had just drained him even further. He really just wanted to go lay in his bed and hide underneath the covers until new years. But Ponyboy had no time for things like sleeping, or eating, or having fun. That would all come later once he finally finished his finals. 

So he put his English book away, replacing it instead with his math textbook, and began studying again. 

A few hours later, Pony decided he could finally take a break. It was pretty late, so the library was empty except for him. He walked over to the window, looking out and up at the stars. 

He’d loved the stars since he was a child, his mother teaching him about the constellations when he was young. But, in that last year of his life, he and Johnny had spent so much time looking at the stars, that he couldn’t help but think about Johnny now when he looked up at the starry night sky. 

It was good and bad in a way. The little reminders of his best friend were nice. But sometimes, it was difficult just to hear his name without breaking down. Not a day went by where Pony didn’t miss his best friend with every bone inside his body. Some days were easier, where he could look back with a gratefulness, and a fondness. Where he could think about their time together and smile. Other days, even the shape of Johnny’s name spelled out pain, and an unspeakable grief. His heart would hurt just like it had on that fateful day when he watched his friend take his last breath. 

Ponyboy still didn’t understand grief, and he’d been through more than most people his age. And it had all happened in the same year. To him, grief felt like an ocean, some days it was a tidal wave, with a current so deep and powerful it could drown you. Other days, the waters were calm, and he was able to ride the waves, with some strength, and bravery. 

Or maybe it was more like the night sky, and the stars. Dark, and endless, vast and incomprehensible. There were so many stars you could never count them all. The task seemed utterly impossible if he even tried. But, the morning always came, and the sun always rose, turning from darkness, to light, to gold. 

Nothing made Ponyboy think about Johnny Cade more than a golden sunrise. 

Ponyboy pulled his legs to his chest, staring out the window, trying to find the constellations. He remembered when he showed them to Johnny, how fascinated he’d been with the stories behind them all. Johnny was just about the only person Pony had ever met who seemed to love stories like he did. Maybe not quite as much, but when Pony told him about a book, or a movie he watched…Johnny always seemed genuinely interested. He’d listen intently, and even ask questions. 

If Ponyboy cared about something, Johnny cared about it too. Because that’s what a best friend does. They love and care about you, they love your heart and your soul. So the things that are important to your heart and soul, live in theirs as well. 

If Johnny was here, he’d know exactly what to say to make Ponyboy feel better. He’d know how to make him feel better about his tests, and not feel so lonely anymore. Ponyboy never felt lonely when Johnny was around.  Johnny always made him feel seen like nobody else did. Even when they sat together in silence, it was one of the most comforting parts of Pony’s life. It was a silence that only comes when two people understand each other. And he’d never really had that same contented silence with anyone else since losing Johnny. 

Finally, Pony thought it was time to head back to his room. Eric better be done by now. 

He grabbed his stuff, leaving the library. On his way out the door he ran into the librarian. She stopped him suddenly. 

“You’re Ponyboy Curtis right?”

He slowly nodded, raising an eyebrow. “Yeah. Why?”

She sighed. “Finally, we’ve been lookin’ for ya everywhere. Your brother Soda’s been calling the school for hours, trying to get a hold of you.”

Pony’s eyes widened, fear immediately encompassing his body. “What–why? Is something wrong?”

She shook her head. “He didn’t say, hon. He just said he needed to talk to you.”

Pony ran a hand over his face, thanking the librarian before running down the hall, stopping at the first phone he could find. He quickly dialed the number he knew by heart, foot tapping, heart pounding as the ringing sounded in his ear. 

“Hello?” Soda picked up after just one ring. 

“Soda? Is everything okay? They said you’ve been callin’ all day. Did somethin’ happen? Is it Darry, is he hurt?”

“Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey. Nobody’s hurt. I just—I’m worried ‘bout ya is all.”

Pony’s brow furrowed. “Of me? Why?”

Sodapop bit his lip, wrapping the phone cord around his left pointer. “You seemed… I don’t know… off the other night. Like ya weren’t tellin’ us somethin’. I’ve been worryin’ ‘bout ya ever since.”

“I told ya, I’m okay, Soda.” Pony crossed his arms, leaning against the wall.

Soda sighed. “Yeah, I was there, kid. But you don’t sound it. I’ve known ya since the day you were born, baby. I know when ya lie. I know when you’re really okay… when you’re really happy. Come on, tell me what’s goin’ on.” 

Ponyboy pinched the bridge of his nose. Curse Sodapop and his people skills. Pony figured from across the state and on the phone, his brother wouldn’t be able to spot when he was lying like he could at home. But he quickly learned that he was mistaken. Soda’s big brother powers were stronger than Pony ever knew. 

For a moment, he considered letting go of the facade and just being honest. Telling Soda all about the terrible day he’d had, how much he missed him. How much he missed Darry, and home. How deeply his heart ached for Johnny. Telling him how hard his classes were and how he was absolutely going to flunk these finals, get kicked out and have to live on a park bench for the rest of his life. 

Ponyboy knew his brother would have words of wisdom like always. He would tell him that it would be okay, that he would make it through this. And somehow, because Pony knew Soda never lied to him, he would believe it. The weight on his chest would be lifted. And he would feel like maybe —just maybe— he could actually make it through this week in one piece. 

But Ponyboy said none of that. Instead, he put on his best fake confident voice, standing up straight to try and add to the effect. He was actually a very good liar, his brothers had always told him how scarily quick he could come up with a fib. But see, Soda was even better at knowing his brother than he was at lying. 

Soda wasn’t necessarily good at catching someone in a lie, per say. He was just very emotionally intelligent and good at reading people. Especially his brothers and his friends. So he could easily spot when they weren’t being honest with him. Usually, under just about any circumstance, and no matter how many miles away they happened to be. 

“I’m sorry, Soda. I just—it really is these tests. I’m a little stressed, but that’s all. These are the biggest finals I’ve ever taken, and I’m spendin’ all my spare time tryin’ to get ready. That’s probably why it sounds like somethin’ more is wrong. But it isn’t.” 

The line was silent for about a minute, before Soda finally said “Ya sure, honeybee?”

Ponyboy shut his eyes, forcing himself not to cry. Soda knew he was lying, his tone gave it away, and Pony was pretty sure he was speaking like that on purpose. And that nickname… it always gave Pony this warm, fuzzy feeling in his chest when Soda used it. That was his favorite. But this time, his brother’s voice had cracked slightly as he spoke, and it took every ounce of strength Pony had not to start sobbing. “I’m sure.” 

Soda let out a long shaky breath, and Pony could tell he was holding back tears too. “Okay, Pone. Well, I’ll see ya on Saturday, then?”

He nodded, though his brother couldn’t see it. “Yeah, Soda. See ya then.”

Ponyboy quickly hung up the phone, immediately sobbing the second it was hanging back in the cradle. He slid down the wall, burying his head in his knees as his body shook. 

Glory, now on top of everything else, Soda was probably angry with him, and hurt. He knew his brother was lying to him, and Pony just knew that would kill him. Now, he felt worse than ever. Why couldn’t he just be honest with his brothers in the first place? Would they really be as upset as he thought? Maybe not…maybe they would understand. They always had in the past. 

But then Pony remembered the long hours they’d both worked for four years. Late nights, early mornings, odd jobs, all for him to live out his dream. He remembered the way they constantly told him how proud they were of him. He once again remembered the promise they made the week Johnny and Dally died to put him through college. And there was no way on earth he would do anything to make them think he wasn’t constantly happy, and utterly grateful. 

Even if he felt completely alone and miserable right now, Pony would make sure his brothers thought he was happier than ever after everything they did just for him. No matter what it cost him. 

“Dang it!” Soda slammed the phone onto the wall, running a hand through his hair as he began pacing the living room. 

“What’d he say?” Darry asked. 

“The same bull he said the other day. He’s fine and just stressed ‘bout finals. He’s lyin’ though, I can tell.” 

Darry shook his head. “That don’t make no sense though, why would he lie to us?”

Soda stopped in his tracks, putting a hand on his hip. “I don’t know, but somethin’ must be wrong. And I’m gonna find out what it is.”

Suddenly he was at the front door, grabbing his coat off the coat rack and putting it on. 

“What are ya doin’, Soda?” 

“What’s it look like I’m doin?! I’m drivin’ down there to talk to him!” He put the coat on before hurrying to grab the keys off the counter. But Darry stopped him. 

Soda sighed, looking at Darry, anger in his eyes. “Get outta my way, Dar.”

“No.” Darry said firmly, placing his hands on Soda’s shoulders.

“Darry! Somethin’ is wrong! Pony doesn’t lie to me! Somethin’ bad musta happened and I gotta make sure he’s okay!”

“He’s okay.”

“He ain’t!” Soda yelled, looking up at Darry with wide eyes full of unshed tears. “Somethin’ is goin’ on, Dar, and I gotta find out what it is.”

Darry rubbed his shoulder. “Soda, baby. Ponyboy is in college. You can’t drive up there because he’s havin’ a hard week.”

Soda scoffed, crossing his arms. “I dang well can, Darry! And I will!” 

“Look, Pepsi, I’m worried ‘bout him too. But this won’t solve nothin’. I mean, if ya left now you’d get there at two in the mornin’. Ya just gonna beat on his door in the middle of the night? You’ll just embarrass him and make this even worse.”

“I don’t care about none of that, Darry! I care about my brother!” Soda’s eyes began to fill as his bottom lip quivered.  “And something is wrong with him and I gotta find out what it is because I’m scared!” 

The second Soda finished his sentence the sobs finally made their way out of his chest. Darry instantly held him tight, Soda holding onto his big brother for dear life. 

“Shhhh. I’m right here, baby. I’m right here.”

“But Pony’s not.” He sobbed. “He’s all the way across the state and somethin’ is wrong and I’m so scared, Darry. I’m so scared something terrible has happened and I wanna help him. I gotta help him, Darry. I gotta help my baby!” 

Darry forced back his own tears, kissing the top of Soda’s head as he cried. “I know, honey. I know.” He slowly led Soda over to the couch, his brother resting his head against his chest. Darry gently stroked his blond locks.

“But listen, we know he’s okay. He’s alive, he ain’t hurt or sick or nothin’. You just talked to him. He’s probably just waitin’ til he gets home on Saturday to talk to us.”

“I hate this.” Soda wiped his nose. “I just—glory, I wanna help him. I don’t care what happened, whether he got a scraped knee or a broken heart or somethin’. I just—I just want to hug him and kiss him and tell him it’ll be okay and I love him.” 

“Oh, baby he knows ya love him. I promise.” Darry kissed his forehead. “And you can do all that when he’s home in three days. That ain’t long at all, Pepsi.” 

Soda wiped his eyes with his wrist, a few stray tears still falling. “I really miss him, Dar.”

Darry squeezed his brother a little tighter. “I miss him too, honey.” 

On Thursday, Ponyboy had his two easiest finals, and the harder ones were on Friday. He wasn’t sure how he felt about those first two yet. He’d studied his tail off, but he’d also been very nervous, and he knew he didn’t always do his best then. 

With the anxiety eating at him, he eventually felt sure that he’d failed them both. So he knew he had to do well on the tests Friday. 

His first test was at 8 a.m., and by 5:30, Ponyboy was already in the library studying. (Like he’d been all night, he’d just switched locations at this point.) Math was first, and he was slightly glad to finally get that over with since it’s what he struggled with the most. He’d been up for the past three days, doing nothing but studying and consuming coffee and Pepsi to keep him that way. 

He’d also been smoking a lot this week. He’d actually managed to quit once he started college and the track team was much more serious. (His coach threatened to kick anyone he caught with cigarettes off the team.) But with the stress he’d been feeling lately, he’d picked up the bad habit again at full force. He knew he’d regret it when he started running again after all this was over. (Assuming he didn’t fail his tests, lose his scholarship, get kicked out of college and be forced to live in a park because he was too embarrassed to tell his brothers.) But that was future Ponyboy’s problem. 

At 7:15, Ponyboy headed over to his first class, wanting to get there with plenty of extra time and be early. He made it by 7:30, stopping for a coffee on the way and having one final cigarette before heading inside. 

When he entered the room, he saw that a few of the students were already there, getting in some last minute studying. Ponyboy thought that seemed like as good an idea as any, so he took a seat and got his book out. 

Thirty minutes later, the professor told them it was time for the test to begin. Ponyboy took one last glance at his study guide, before putting it away in his bag. 

The professor picked up the tests, standing in the front of the room as he explained some things. Ponyboy blinked, not really catching any of the words. His head suddenly felt fuzzy, and he got a little bit dizzy. 

He rubbed a hand across his forehead and then eyes, trying to clear his vision, but all he saw were black spots everywhere. Suddenly, he felt slightly nauseous too. Maybe he should run to the bathroom before starting the test, he certainly didn’t want to throw up in front of everyone. 

Ponyboy slowly stood up from his seat, swaying slightly. It looked like his professor said something to him, but he couldn’t hear anything past the ringing in his ears. He opened his mouth to say that, but he didn’t get any words out before the world turned dark around him. 

Darry took a sip of his coffee, staring out the kitchen window and letting out a long sigh. He had a rare morning off, not starting work till this afternoon. Usually, on a day like this he would be getting things done around the house, especially with Pony coming home for Christmas tomorrow. But he just couldn’t focus on anything right now. 

He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about his brother since that phone call Soda had with him on Wednesday night. Truthfully, Darry was just as worried about the kid as Soda was. But Soda was falling apart completely, which meant that Darry had to keep it together. 

But he’d thought his brother sounded off when they talked that first night too. Though Darry thought it really could just be stress, he was taking his college finals for the first time after all. Now though, after that second call with Soda, he knew something more was going on. 

Ponyboy didn’t lie to Soda like that. Sure, he would tell people he was fine when he really wasn’t, or hide his emotions because he wasn’t ready to talk about it. But he just kept saying the same thing over and over, pretending he was fine when something was clearly going on. He said he was happy, loving college. He was okay. Darry thought it almost sounded rehearsed. 

And after how upset Soda had been the other night, Darry was now more worried than ever. They both knew something more was going on with their brother than he was letting on. He just wished he knew what it was. 

He supposed it could just be the holidays and being away from home, all of it hitting him at once? But Darry still didn’t understand why his brother felt the need to lie to them about how he was feeling. Did he really think they wouldn’t understand?

When Soda tried to drive down there the other night, Darry had been half tempted to not only let him, but jump in the passenger seat. But he knew that would only cause more problems. Especially with the way Pony was already retreating to himself and shutting down. If they showed up out of the blue at his college when he clearly wasn’t ready to talk, he would only get more angry, and they would never have a productive conversation that way. 

Darry was trying to give him space, he was in college and living on his own after all. But he never expected having to renavigate helping and being there for his brother now that he lived four hours away the majority of the year. He just hoped he was making the right decision, and that Ponyboy would be okay. 

The young man was jolted from his thoughts by the shrill ringing of the phone. He glanced in the direction of the noise before placing his mug on the counter and going to pick it up. “Hello?”

“Hello, is this…Darrel Curtis?”

“Yes, ma’am, it is.”

“Good morning sir, my name is Cynthia and I’m a nurse at Weatherford Regional Hospital. Are you the brother of Ponyboy Curtis?”

Darry’s stomach dropped to the floor, his entire mouth going dry at the question. Glory, phone calls like these never ended well. He was half tempted to say no so that she couldn’t finish her sentence and ruin his life. But he knew he couldn’t do that. Whatever happened, he needed to know. “Y-yes.” He choked out, heart pounding in his ears. 

“Ponyboy was brought to the hospital this morning after he fainted in class. He’s okay, but we wanted to let you know.”

Darry blinked, brow furrowing. “He fainted? Why?”

He heard her sigh on the other end, shuffling some papers. “It seems he was severely exhausted and dehydrated. He admitted that he hasn’t had food or water in a few days. I don’t think he’s been sleeping either.” 

“What? What happened? Why?” Darry asked, mind flooded with questions.

“I’m not sure why, sir. He wouldn’t really say much when he was awake, and he’s sleeping now. As I said, he’s severely exhausted.”

Darry let out a long breath, running a hand over his face before pinching the bridge of his nose. “Alright, okay, um. Me and his brother will be there as soon as we can. We’re about four hours away, but I’ll pick him up from work now and we’ll be on our way. Can you tell him that?”

“Of course, sir.”

“And um, you said—I mean…he’s gonna be okay, right?” Darry’s heart pounded slightly as he waited for her to answer. 

“The doctor will explain more to you when you arrive, but yes he should be fine. Just needs some rest and fluids. We’ll probably keep him overnight just to be safe.”

Darry let out a sigh of relief. Ponyboy would be okay. He was in the hospital, he was sick, but he would be okay. That’s all he needed to hear. “Okay, okay great. Thank you, ma’am. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

He hung up the phone, before picking it right back up again to call Soda, letting him know he would be there to pick him up in a few minutes. Darry also had the mind to pack an overnight bag for himself and his brothers. She had said likely one night, but he packed some extra clothes just in case. 

Once he had everything, Darry grabbed his coat and keys, heading out the door and to the truck. 

The four hour drive felt much longer than it had when they dropped Ponyboy off at college in the fall. But Darry supposed that was because he and Soda were worried and in a hurry to be there for their brother. 

The second Darry pulled up to the DX, Soda had thrown himself into his chest with a cry. Darry tried assuring him that Ponyboy was going to be okay, he was just a little sick. But Soda still blamed himself, saying he should have just gone up there the other night and this wouldn’t have happened. Darry assured him none of this was his fault, but he knew his brother didn’t believe him. 

When Soda wasn’t pestering him with questions about how Pony was, he was staring out the window, tears running steadily down his cheeks. What worried Darry the most, was how still he was for most of the car ride. He hardly got antsy or said he was tired of sitting in the car at all. He only asked about Ponyboy, or mentioned how this was his fault and began to cry again. 

The back and forth game was like someone was twisting Darry’s heart like a rag. He couldn’t stand seeing Soda so guilt-ridden and scared. Glory, he wished there was more he could do. He tried to reassure his brother that Pony was going to be okay, but none of that washed away his longing for his brother or guilt. 

Finally, after the four longest hours of Soda and Darry’s lives, they pulled up to the hospital. 

Darry parked the truck with haste, before he and Soda jumped out of the car, sprinting inside. They ran over to the front desk, an administrator looking up at them from her clipboard. “Hello, ma’am my name is Darrel Curtis and I’m here to see my brother, Ponyboy Curtis.”

“Let me just check here.” She shuffled through a few papers on the desk before picking up another clipboard, flipping through it. “Ponyboy Curtis, yes here. He’s on the fourth floor.” She looked up at him. “Just go to the desk and they’ll direct you to his room.”

Darry thanked her before he and Soda practically ran to the stairs, taking them two at a time. Once they arrived Darry made his way over to the desk again, Soda anxiously tapping his fingers on the wood beside him.

“I’m Darrel Curtis, here for Ponyboy Curtis.”

The nurse at the desk opened her mouth to answer, but a doctor walked up to him before she could. “Mr. Curtis? Hi, I’m your brother’s doctor. I’m so glad you made it. We’ve been waiting.”

“We?” Soda questioned. “Has Pony been askin’ for us?”

The doctor walked around to the front of the desk, clipboard in hand. “He hasn’t been awake much, but when he is, all he pretty much says is that he wants his brothers.” 

Sodapop pursed his lips together, heart practically aching with a need to see his brother. “Can we see him? Please?”

He nodded. “In a moment, but I’d like to update you on your brother’s condition first.” He led them over to the waiting room so they could talk more privately. “I’m doctor Karev, I’ve been taking care of Ponyboy.” He put his hand out and Darry shook it. 

“Darrel Curtis. I’m Pony’s brother. This is Soda.”

Soda shook the man’s hand, trying to be polite, but this really was taking far too long. Why couldn’t he tell them how Pony was after he saw him?

“I see. Your brother was brought in by ambulance this morning around 8:30. He fainted in class, and was still unconscious when he arrived.”

“What happened?” Soda asked, worry churning in his stomach. “I mean, is he sick or somethin’?”

“He admitted that he hadn’t slept, eaten or had water in a few days.” 

“Did he say why?” Darry pleaded. 

“Not really, I’m afraid.” Dr. Karev answered. “Has he been going through any stressful situations lately? Struggles at school or with friends or anyone?”

Darry ran a hand down his face, that was the exact question he and Soda had been trying to get him to answer. “When we talked to him this week he just seemed… off. He wouldn’t tell us if anythin’ was goin’ on though.”

“He kept sayin’ it was just stress from finals.” Soda said. “He has always gotten pretty worked up about big, important tests. But…I don’t know, it felt like there was more he wasn’t sayin’.”

Dr. Karev nodded. “I see. Well, stress combined with not eating or sleeping is enough to cause a bad fainting spell for sure.” 

“Please, sir. Is…” Soda bit his lip, tears appearing in his eyes. “Is he gonna be okay? Is he sick real bad?”

Dr. Karev gave him a sympathetic look. “I assure you boys, Ponyboy is going to be okay. He’s exhausted and dehydrated. We’re giving him fluids through an IV to help with that now. We’ll likely keep him overnight for observation, but with some rest and rehydration he should be just fine in a couple days.”

Sodapop let out a sob of relief, and Darry quickly wrapped an arm around him. His brother was going to be okay. The fear he felt slowly dissipated from his chest. But he knew this was far from over, they still had no idea what Pony was hiding from them. But Soda was here now. And he was gonna hug and kiss his brother before getting him to talk if it was the last thing he ever did. 

Darry nodded. “Thank you, sir. Thank you. Can we please see him now?”

“Of course.” Dr Karev answered. “He’s in room 414. Let us know if y’all need anything.”

Soda and Darry wasted no time making their way down the hall and towards the room. They sent each other one last glance before Darry opened the door. 

Finally, after what felt like years, Ponyboy was right in front of Sodapop. And he couldn’t help the cry of relief he let out when he saw him. 

Darry hurried to comfort his middle brother, putting an arm around his shoulders as he spoke quietly. “The doctor said he would be okay, Pepsi-Cola.”

Soda nodded, wiping his eyes as he stared down at Ponyboy. “I know. I just—” He let out a shaky exhale. “I’m just so glad to finally see him. I’ve been so worried all week.”

“Yeah.” Darry rubbed a hand up and down his brother’s back. “Yeah, me too.”

He grabbed two chairs from the wall, pulling them each up to the side of the bed. Soda took a seat across from Darry, carefully looking down at his brother. 

Ponyboy’s eyes were closed as he slept soundly, which was good, Soda thought. The doctor said he was exhausted after all, and he could tell if the eye bags underneath his eyes were anything to go by. His body still seemed slightly tense, even in sleep, muscles tightened slightly. But his chest rose and fell steadily, he was alive, he was okay. 

Soda carefully took his brother’s hand in his, rubbing gentle fingers over the back of his palm before placing a soft kiss to his knuckles. 

Darry reached a hand out, running calloused yet soft fingers down Pony’s face, before brushing his bangs back from his forehead. 

Ponyboy let out a low groan, before his eyes slowly flickered open. 

Sodapop felt a little bad, not meaning to wake him. But glory was he glad to finally see those green-gray eyes he loved so deeply staring back at him. “Pone? Honey?”

Ponyboy blinked a couple of times as he stared ahead. He rubbed his eyes, looking at both of his brothers as if he didn’t believe what he was seeing. “Soda? Darry?”

“Yeah, baby.” Soda squeezed his brother’s hand, giving it another kiss. “We’re right here.”

Pony took a couple shaky deep breaths. “You’re really here?”

“Yeah, sweetheart.” Darry rubbed a gentle thumb over his eyebrow. “We’re really here.”

The young boy stared between them for a few more seconds before a desperate sob escaped his chest. Soda instantly flew forward, sitting on the bed as he wrapped his arms around Pony. 

Ponyboy returned the hug with more desperation than ever, and Soda suddenly felt more worried for his brother than he had before. He held his brother tightly, whispering reassurances in his ear. 

“It’s alright, honeybee, it’s okay. Hey. What happened?”

Ponyboy only cried harder, and Soda kissed the top of his head, rubbing his brother’s back as he cried into his chest. His heart was just breaking, seeing Ponyboy cry had been his weakness since the day his brother was born. It always made Soda cry too. 

Darry made his way onto the bed too, worry in his gut. He couldn’t possibly understand why Pony was crying so hard, but he hadn’t seen his brother this upset in a while. And to say he was scared would be an understatement. He sat behind Sodapop on the side of the bed, putting his hand on Pony’s shoulder. 

Ponyboy looked up at the touch, his red, wet eyes making Darry’s heart split in two. With a desperate hold, Pony grabbed Darry’s hand, holding on tightly. “Awh, baby.” Darry’s voice cracked as he spoke, giving his brother a soft kiss on the head. “Baby, what is it? What’s got ya so worked up?”

Darry gently wiped the flowing tears from his brother’s cheeks. But more simply took their place. Whatever was going on was more serious than Darry had first thought. He couldn’t imagine what had made his brother cry so badly. 

The young boy sniffled, laying his head against Soda’s shoulder. “I just—” he let out a shaky exhale. “I just really missed y’all.”

Soda and Darry exchanged a worried glance. Sure, they’d both missed Pony too, and they knew he missed them right back. But they also knew there was more to these tears than just missing his brothers. 

But still, they both tightened their hold, sandwiching him between them. “We missed you too, sweet pea.”

As Ponyboy sat there between his brothers, both of them holding him tightly as ever, he finally felt like he could breathe again. His heart didn’t feel like a big brick in his chest anymore. It felt like it had two missing puzzle pieces back again. 

“Pone?” Darry’s voice was quiet, careful. Ponyboy could tell he was trying not to spook him. He combed his fingers through his hair, as Darry kept a firm hold on his hand. “What’s goin’ on, baby? Ya gotta tell us, please.”

“Ya know we love ya darlin’.” Soda’s gentle voice added in. “We just wanna help. I promise we ain’t mad.”

Ponyboy sniffled, wiping his nose as he sighed. He knew this was coming, it was inevitable. He just wished he wasn’t so scared to be honest with his brothers. Even though Soda said that they wouldn’t be mad, they’d definitely be disappointed, and that would be so much worse. 

But, with his brothers here and holding him, Pony finally felt brave enough to tell them the truth. Even if it was going to be hard. 

He wiped his eyes, sniffling again as he leaned back against the pillows so he could get a proper look at Soda and Darry. But they still held onto each other, Soda never letting go of his brother’s hand, and Darry keeping hold of his knee. 

Ponyboy stared down at the bedsheets, twisting them in his fingers. “Please don’t hate me, but… but college is hard.”

Darry wasn’t sure he heard his brother correctly at first. Did he really think they’d be angry because he was struggling with college? He grabbed Pony’s nervous hand, holding it firmly in his own. “Baby, why would you think that’d make us hate you?” 

Pony pursed his lips together, shaking his head. “Y’all worked so hard just so that I could go, and I just—I don’t want ya to think I’m not grateful. I am grateful, I promise. But it’s just—it’s been a lot harder than I thought it would be. Especially this last month between Christmas and Thanksgiving.”

“What made it so hard?” Soda’s voice was soft like a kitten and sweet like a peach. It was a voice Sodapop reserved for his brothers when they were hurt or upset. He gently traced patterns along the back of Pony’s palm, trying to bring his brother some comfort. The repetition and familiarity alone was enough to calm his pounding heart. 

Pony snuffled, leaning his head back against the pillows. “I’ve really been missin’ y’all. A lot more than I did back in the fall, even though we saw each other at Thanksgiving. But—I don’t know, I think it’s all the holiday stuff, too. It reminds me of home even more and I’d be sad that I couldn’t go home or see y’all. It makes me miss Johnny a lot more too. Plus Dally, and mom and dad. I’ve been feelin’ real lonely the past month.” 

Darry shook his head as he looked down at his brother. “Why didn’t ya tell us, sweetheart?” 

The boy in the bed let out a long breath, biting his lip again. “I don’t want y’all to think I’m unhappy. I mean, look, I am happy. Really, I love college. But it’s just—it’s difficult sometimes too. In ways I never really thought about beforehand.”

“Oh, baby.” Soda’s voice broke as he kissed Ponyboy on the shoulder, lying his head next to his brother’s. Darry could tell he was trying real hard to hide his emotions in that moment. He was too, after all. His weakness had always been seeing his brother’s hurting or crying.

“Pony, did you really think we’d be mad because ya ain’t happy all the time?” He ran a gentle hand through his brother’s hair. 

Ponyboy shrugged, sighing. “I don’t know, I mean… after everything y’all did for me, I didn’t want you to think it wasn’t worth it. It is worth it! And I love being there and I like my classes and my professors and being independent. I’ve made some great memories, and it feels like everyone is really excited to learn every day. But, I’ve had my fair share of bad days too.” 

“Kiddo, it don’t matter what you’re doin’ or how happy it makes ya. There’s still gonna be bad days, and hard times.” Darry told him. 

“He’s right, Pone. I mean, ya know I love my job at the stables. I’ve never been happier after a day at work. But I don’t love every day. There’s parts I don’t like so much, and sometimes it’s just not a good day. But none of that means I ain’t grateful or don’t love my job. It’s just life.” 

“Nobody’s gonna be happy all the time, honey. We don’t expect ya to be. I mean, you liked high school, right? But you still had bad days, that don’t mean ya don’t like it no more right?”

Ponyboy looked between his brothers, clearly thinking. “No, I guess not.” 

“But, honeypie.” Soda took Pony’s hand again, sitting up and looking his brother in the eyes. “You ain’t ever gotta be afraid to tell us how you’re feelin’. No matter what it is. If you’re happy, I’ll do a jig with ya. If you’re sad, I’ll let ya cry on my shoulder. If you’re mad, I’ll punch whoever made ya that way.”

That elicited a scoff from Pony, which made Soda smirk. 

“We wanna be there for ya, baby.” Darry told him. “But we can’t be there for you if you don’t tell us how ya feel.”

“So… ya ain’t mad at me?”

“Not at all, honey.” Soda kissed his cheek as Darry squeezed his hand. 

Ponyboy bit his lip. “Even if—if I fail all my finals?”

Darry raised an eyebrow. “Why d’ya think you failed? You been studyin’, right?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I studied. So much I ain’t even slept or eaten—”

Soda gasped slightly, staring at his brother open mouthed. Darry’s eyes went a little wider. 

“That’s why you’re in here, ain’t it?” Darry said. “You were so worried about passin’ your finals that ya spent all your time studyin’. Didn’t eat or sleep.” 

Ponyboy stared at him for a moment before slowly nodding. “I just—” He twisted his fingers in the sheets again. “I wanted y’all to be proud of me. I knew you’d be so disappointed if I didn’t pass, and I couldn’t bear the thought of that. Plus, I gotta keep my grades up to keep the scholarship and y’all worked your butts off to pay the rest—and I just—I had to work hard and do whatever it took to pass.”

The tears had returned now, but Pony was trying valiantly not to let them fall down his cheeks. 

Soda’s voice was quiet and sad as he spoke. “Even if—even if it meant you got sick?”

Pony pursed his lips together, the tears instantly falling down his cheeks at the look on his brother's face. That’s when he truly realized how much he’d scared his brothers. And not just today, this week. It must have been just as awful for them as it was for him. 

“I’m so sorry.” He cried. “I never thought it was gonna make me sick like this. I never meant to worry y’all, I mean it. I just want to do well in college… for you. Because I’m grateful for everything you did to get me there. And I want y’all to be proud of me.”

With a long sigh, Darry climbed into the bed next to his brother, wrapping a firm arm around his shoulders. Ponyboy leaned into the touch, laying his head against Darry’s chest. 

“You listen here, Ponyboy Curtis. I’ve been proud of ya since the day you were born. Mama told everyone how strong you were, because you were born early and the doctors didn’t think you’d survive. You were tiny, but mighty. And not a day goes by where I ain’t been proud of ya ever since. There’s not a thing you could do to change that. Even if ya fail every single test and get kicked outta college. Now, I’ll have some choice words for ya, kid, I can tell ya that. But even then, I’ll still be proud of ya. I promise.”

He kissed the side of Pony’s head, who was looking up at him with shiny eyes. Darry wiped away the previous tear tracks on his cheeks with his thumb. 

“Me too, baby.” Soda said, squeezing his brother’s hand. “I’m proud of you every single day.” 

Pony looked between his brothers, his lips finally curving upwards slightly. “Really? Y’all mean that?”

“More than I’ve ever meant anythin’.” Darry told him. 

Ponyboy let out a half laugh, half sob, his brothers hugging him tight. “I love y’all so much.” 

“And we love ya so much, right back.” Darry said, kissing Pony’s head as Soda kissed his cheek. 

Sandwiched between his brothers, in a hospital bed, Ponyboy finally felt happy for the first time in a long time. 

“I still can’t believe ya’ll drove nearly four hours just to see me.”

Darry raised an eyebrow as he looked over at his brother, turning his blinker on. “Kid, you fainted in class. You were in the hospital. Of course we came to see you.”

“I was okay, though.” Pony shrugged. “I mean, I wasn’t dyin’ or nothin’.” 

“Ponyboy, we’d drive up there just because you were havin’ a bad day if ya really wanted us to.”

He raised an eyebrow, looking over at his brother. “Really?”

“Well… yeah! You’re our baby brother, Pone. We love ya. It’s hard on all of us for you to be so far away. But I think sometimes you forget that you’re across the state and not across the country. We can come up and visit anytime ya like.”

“Why…” Ponyboy picked at a thread on his jeans. “I mean, how come y’all never did the first semester?” 

Pony was avoiding eye contact and Darry looked at him sadly. “We wanted to kid, so many times. But, well. You’re in college now and I know ya like independence. We didn’t want to intrude on ya or nothin’.” 

He nodded. “I do like my indapendence… most of the time. But, I miss y’all more than that. I’d love for y’all to visit me more.”

Darry smiled over at him, turning onto their street. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Pony nodded fervently.

“You can come home more too, ya know.” Darry said. “If you leave after class on Friday you’d be here by supper. Heck, I’ll pay for your gas if I need to.”

“I know.” Pony said. “I just—I was afraid it might make it even harder. Since I–since I already missed y’all so much.” 

“Well, I get that, kid, I do. But, I don’t know, even a couple days at home might brighten your spirits. ‘Specially if you’re feelin’ down, ya know? And we’re only a phone call away, baby. You call anytime, day or night, hear?” 

Ponyboy smiled over at his brother, “yeah, Dar, I hear.” He let out a long breath of relief as his home came into view, smiling at the familiar sight of home. “I think I’ll be comin’ home a lot more next semester.”

Darry grinned as he parked the car, placing a hand on Pony’s knee. “We’d love to have ya.” 

A couple days later, once Pony was fully recuperated, his family finally finished decorating for Christmas. Steve and Two-Bit had come over to help as well. They’d all had a wonderful time, now sitting together under the light of the tree as they each sipped mugs of hot chocolate. 

“Man, I still can’t believe ya let Soda drive your car home, Pony.” Steve laughed, voice echoing as he took a sip of hot chocolate.

“Hey!” Soda protested, shoving his friend. “I’m a great driver.” 

Steve raised an eyebrow, smirking. “Great in a drag race.”

“You drag race with me every week, Stevie.” Soda crossed his arms, pointing at his friend, a smile gracing his lips. 

“Yeah, but I don’t drive like that on the highway!” 

Sodapop opened his mouth to protest, but stopped after a moment, shutting it again. Instead, he smirked, “not my fault y’all are borin’ drivers.” He took a drink from his Santa mug as everyone around him laughed. 

“I prefer to call it abiding by the law, Sodapop.” Darry said, trying to suppress his laughter. 

“See! Where’s the fun in that?” Soda said. 

Darry rolled his eyes, but there was still a smile on his face. 

“Anyway, I’d never do anything to wreck Pony’s car. Steve and I worked way too long and hard for me to risk that.” 

“You’re tellin’ me.” Steve said, shaking his head. “Glory, I never thought we’d get that thing runnin’. She still workin’ well for ya?” He raised an eyebrow looking over at Ponyboy. 

He nodded. “Runs like a champ. Gets me where I need to be in one piece. Never had any problems.” 

“Thank Stevie for that. He’s a lot better at the mechanics than I am. Hence, why he manages an auto shop now and I work with horses.” 

Pony smiled. “How’s it goin’ down there, Steve?”

Steve let out a long sigh, setting his mug down on the coffee table and crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s great, kid, to tell ya the truth. I wake up excited to go to work. Everyone’s a lot more friendly too. I get to work on cars all day, ain’t gotta do none of that inventory or waitin’ on customers crap like at the DX.”

Ponyboy laughed at that. Steve had never been the greatest with customers, getting annoyed too easily. His boss constantly told him to be more friendly, and that only made him angrier. 

“What about you, Two-Bit?”

“Well, ya remember how I told ya I started goin’ to them AA meetin’s right before ya left for college?”

Ponyboy nodded. He remembered it well, he’d been slightly surprised, but very proud of his friend. His drinking had gotten especially bad after Johnny and Dally had died, they’d all been worried for him for a while. 

But after an intervention of sorts from his friends, he’d  eventually gotten his act together. Finally graduating, helping his mom out around the house more. He even got a job and gave her part of the money to help out. 

He was a carhop at the Dingo, even coming up with the idea for them to let them deliver orders on rollerskates. Once Two-Bit learned how to use them without falling, he ended up being great with them. Getting employee of the month because he delivered orders so fast, just three months into starting. 

“Yeah, I remember. You still goin’?”

“I ain’t just goin’. I’m runnin’ em!”

Pony raised an eyebrow, mouth opening slightly in shock. “You run the meetings?”

“Well, not all of ‘em. But on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 5, I do!” 

“Wow!” Pony was shocked, he certainly hadn’t expected that. “That’s great, Two-Bit.”

Two-Bit smiled, looking genuinely happy. “Thanks. I really love it. Gettin’ sober was the best decision I ever made, and it feels real good to help other people too. Like I’m really makin’ a difference in the world, ya know?”

The more Ponyboy thought about it, the more he understood why Two-Bit was so good at this. He’d always been a great friend, especially when someone was upset. He seemed to know the perfect balance of when to make a joke and when to be serious. 

Ponyboy smiled at him. “I’m real happy for you, Two. And you’re right, you’re makin’ a difference in the world. You always have though.” 

Two-Bit grinned at him, before walking over just to muss his hair, causing Pony to protest loudly, immediately regretting every nice word he’d just said. “Thanks, Ponykid.”

Pony gave him a glare as he sat back down in the chair across the room, placing his feet on the coffee table like he owned the place. “So. They gonna let ya take your tests again?”

Ponyboy nodded. “Yeah, I’ll get to take ‘em late after Christmas break. So, I guess I still have some studyin’ to do.” 

“But not til after we celebrate.” Soda said pointedly. 

Pony smiled at him. “Right, Soda. I got a whole month off. That’s plenty of time for me to have a good time and get some studyin’ in too.” 

“How’s college, Pony? You like it?” Two-Bit asked. 8

Steve and Two-Bit knew Pony had been in the hospital, but they hadn’t really gone into detail as to why. Just told him that he fainted in class and was a little sick. Pony planned to tell them soon, just not now. Tonight was a joyful occasion.

Ponyboy considered the question momentarily. Then he smiled over at his friend, and finally answered the question honestly. “I love it. I mean, I miss home and y’all a lot, and it’s harder than I thought it would be. But—despite all that, I really do love it.” 

Ponyboy loved college, and he loved home, even though neither of them were perfect all the time. But, like his brothers said, nothing is. 

He looked around the room, bright lights glistening on the Christmas tree, surrounded by his brothers and best friends, smiles on their faces and laughter on their lips. Pictures of the people he’d lost sat neatly on the mantle, but this time as he saw their faces, he didn’t feel sad or lonely. He felt like they were still there, somehow. Like he could almost hear them talking to him now. 

A smile lit up his whole face, his heart feeling fuller than it had in the past month. No matter how much Pony loved college and the thought of having the future he always dreamed of, this house, these people, and this place would always be home. 

Ponyboy Curtis was finally home for Christmas.