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"I just—" Drift sighed, head tilting as she looked out to the expansive water in front of them. "I don't get it."
"Get what, Open Book?" AJ blinked lazily next to her. The two had found a little rock near Basketon. It was flat and smooth, laid out under a rocky cliff. AJ had honestly lost count of how long the fake couple had been sitting there together — probably hours. They drifted between sitting in silence, to taking dips in the water and laughing, to talking about the future.
…AJ wasn't entirely sure what it was like with Drift. Not anymore. All her memories of before had, ironically, drifted away from her.
But AJ figured, if it were anything like this moment, it must've been good.
"Why someone would…" Drift paused, and AJ moved to look at her, to watch the sun pass her face by. "Do that to themselves? I mean, I do, but… how does it even get that bad?"
Somehow, the Death Mage knew what she was talking about, without Drift even needing to clarify.
She took a deep inhale, looking out to the ocean again. The sun looked like it was going to set, but AJ knew it wasn't. Little glitters of white were speckles in the water, making the water look full of diamonds. "I don't know. It kind of just— does. You don't realise how bad it gets until the option is there. In front of you."
"You don't notice it before?" Confusion was loud in Drift's voice, as she spoke softly. AJ wasn't entirely… sure, if Drift meant you like, people in general, or you… like AJ personally.
She wasn't sure if she should ask.
"It…" The Death Mage bit her lip, chewing on it numbly as she considered her ideas. "It depends on the person, I think. But things just get worse. Maybe they're not impossible, but they get harder. So, you think, damn, life kinda sucks. Then, wow, it'd be easier if I didn't wake up tomorrow. Then, huh, I wonder how I could do it. And you just think more and more about it until… until you don't know why you didn't consider it in the first place."
A wave crashed onto the rock, getting the bottom of AJ's foot wet with salty water. Drift didn't reply at first, so AJ gave her a moment or two. "But— it's situational, right? I mean, you think about it when everything's bad, but then it gets better?"
AJ couldn't help the bitter laugh that came out of her. She couldn't move to look at Drift, to look into her concerned eyes. "You're assuming it gets better, Open Book. Which, for a lot of people, it doesn't. Life gets worse, or it just sucks harder. But even if, you know, things do get better, it's not like it just— goes away? Those thoughts… they come back. Suddenly, the bridge you walk over is an opportunity, or— or you stop looking when you cross the road. A lot of the time, it's not on purpose. You don't want those thoughts, those urges. They're just… there. In your relationships, fantasies… yeah. I don't know."
You do know.
You know, AJ.
The salty air burned a bit of AJ's nostrils, making her sniff harder, eyes not leaving the sky blue ocean in front of her. Still, from her left, AJ could feel Drift's gaze on her — feel her eyes studying AJ's facial expressions, trying to guess her thoughts.
AJ knew what she was supposed to think — don't ask about it. Don't ask about how I know this, please, Open Book. I don't want to talk about it.
She should be internally begging Drift not to dig too far into it. Or, even better, shut up and run away.
But something about the ocean, the constant sun, the feeling that nothing could ever break or hurt this moment…
AJ braced herself for the question. Even worse, she braced herself to actually answer.
"…how do you know that, AJ?" The question sounded simple, spoken so softly AJ almost wanted to cry. Like Drift was terrified of the answer.
The Death Mage smiled sadly, ignoring the light stinging of her eyes, which was definitely the fault of the ocean air. "…I think you know." She whispered in reply, finally turning to look at Drift.
The Earth mage looked— scared. Worried, judging by the creasing of her eyebrows. She cleared her throat suddenly, coughing, before asking more. "You said… you knew how you wanted to die. Even before the corruption."
Right.
AJ did say that, didn't she?
"I— yeah." She laughed at it, at her stupidity back then. Still, she didn't hate how the conversation was being brought up. Those instincts inside AJ that told her to to run and hide, seemed to be running and hiding themselves, today. "Yeah."
Neither of them needed to say it, for Drift to know why AJ knew so much about those… feelings.
"Have you…" They locked eyes, AJ suddenly finding it impossible to look away. Drift just seemed… worried. Something. Some emotion AJ had never seen directed towards her before. Probably because she never had this conversation before. "I don't know, tried? Before?"
Tried to kill myself… have I ever tried to kill myself?
The question wasn't funny. Still, AJ found it difficult to hide her bitter smile.
She could never forget it. Them. They were as part of her as legs or arms, as ingrained in her anatomy as organs. AJ didn't know if they even counted as a memory to forget, anymore. How could they be just a memory?
"…I think so." She didn't know why she said that. "Yeah. Yeah." AJ nodded quietly, letting the crashing of waves and birds chirping far away grow louder than her own voice. "Didn't work, though, did it? Just… failed." The smile on her lips came back, like her body was trying to make light of it.
Drift tilted her head back, and the light caught her eyes just perfectly, making a light shade of green and amber glow from her face. "Don't say that."
"Why not?" The Death Mage laughed. "It's true!"
"Because it's not a fail, AJ. It's a second chance." Drift's hand inched towards AJ's, their fingers touching on the rock. "I mean, you're the Death Mage, right? Surely, death should want you. So, if you failed, there's probably a reason."
As Drift spoke, AJ wondered who she wanted to convince more: AJ, or herself.
"Hm. Maybe." She looked away, back to the endless sky and water, letting her and Drift's fingers keep touching. It was… nice. Against the cold rock, it felt nice.
"How—" She suddenly spoke, demanding AJ's eyes back on her, watching as Drift shut her eyes for a moment, trying to figure out what to ask. "I mean, can I… know?"
Something twisted in AJ's stomach, for the first time in the conversation.
"Know what?" She spoke slowly.
"Anything." Drift whispered. "When, why, where, how…"
Oh.
About— the attempts.
"I—"
Right when AJ began to speak, Drift interrupted, her fingers resting on AJ's fingers now clutching the Death Mage's entire hand. "If you're not ready… that's— fine."
Am I ready?
AJ could hardly tell.
Still, looking into Drift's scared eyes? Her beautiful, big brown eyes, which shook and shined with tears? To her wobbling lower lip, like she was trying to hold back from telling AJ how much she cared about her, in fear of chasing her away?
AJ figured she should at least know something. "It was after I got my powers." She looked away, eyes closing softly. "That's all… that's all I can… right now. Yeah."
I don't think I can do more than that right now, Open Book. Please. I don't think…
"But you thought about it? Before… that?" Thankfully, the Earth Mage didn't cling onto AJ's words any more, going back to how AJ had thought about… it.
It.
God, it's so much more than an it.
"Oh, God yeah." AJ chuckled, wiggling her fingers that were still held in Drift's hand. She suddenly realised that Drift might be trying to keep her there. "I mean, It's always in your head."
"So that's why you knew how you wanted to die." Drift muttered, mostly to herself.
"…yeah. Knowing how I wanted to go made it— easier, I guess."
The sun glinted in AJ's eye, and she had to look away. "How? Wouldn't it just make it… more alluring?"
Hm. AJ thought about it for a moment, pursing her lips. "For some people, maybe. But I liked it. I could finally see the finish line. It was comforting, thinking about it. It reminded me that I wouldn't always be… here."
"You must've thought it a lot."
A lot. It was so underwhelming that AJ almost giggled.
"I guess." Drift got a shrug in reply. "Better than thinking about living, no? And— it's hard. To get it out of your head. Once its in you, it just stays. Lingers around, waiting until… you're weakest."
Except AJ wasn't weak. She was one of the strongest people she knew — she prided herself on it, in fact. The only time she'd been weak, was…
After Drift fought with her. When she knew, entirely, for sure, that she had lost everything.
Although, even then, those memories kept getting fuzzier. The words blurred with each other, the night and day blended into one.
"I don't want you to be weak, AJ." Suddenly, AJ's hand was fully taken by Drift's, pulled into her lap. "I don't— I don't want you to hurt yourself like that. Again."
I can never tell her when the first time was. I… can't.
"I know, Open Book." AJ smiled in response, although it was painful to even do. The stinging behind her eyes just kept getting worse.
"No, really." Her hand was being held tighter, more desperately. Drift's lips made that little wobble like they always did, when she wanted to cry, but couldn't. "I couldn't… I couldn't live with myself. If you— if you did that. Even if it weren't my fault… I don't want you gone, AJ."
She's telling the truth. AJ knew it. She knew, Drift was being truthful. She really wouldn't be able to live.
…and AJ really didn't know what to think about that.
"I don't think we have a choice in the matter, Drift. We're at war. We're rebels." She reminded her softly, which only made Drift scoff and shake her head.
"I know. I know that. But that's different." Something in Drift's eyes made AJ listen. "The corruption, too… I get it, for that. Because there isn't really hope, if we're corrupted, or in a war. There's no cure for that. But— there is a cure, AJ. For you." She whispered it at the end, saying for you as if it was the secret of the universe, the last piece to the puzzle AJ had never been able to solve.
"Where?" Don't cry.
"Everywhere!" A smile came across Drift's face, bathed entirely in the golden sun. It made her tan skin etheral, hair looking like it was blazing. "I think… maybe you can't see it. Maybe you've had those thoughts for so long, that— that they blur out the truth. It hides it from you. Because I can see it. I can see you, AJ, and I can see that you're not alone. That you have people, even if you don't want them. And we can— we can help. We will."
AJ didn't know if it was the way the sun hit Drift's hair, making her look like a goddess. She didn't know if it was the softness and fear in her eyes. She didn't know if it was the fact that no one else, in the whole world, new this about her — that the only person who did, was so sure that there was a way out.
But one of those things, or maybe all of them, made her believe it.