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“A cruel and thoughtless man.”
The words thrown at Julien earlier play on repeat in his mind. He cannot deny the truth to the words, just another reminder of how awful he is. Walking through the cold hallway of where the party has made their stay tonight, Julien knows he probably should find someone to spend the rest of the evening with. The man earlier was fun, but that sort of liaison does not lend well towards company, Julien had taken his leave as soon as they had finished and he had ensured the man was pleased.
“Embarrassment.”
There is no one he can go to right now, at least no one that would tolerate his presence. From what Julien had gathered, while he was busy, the group managed to secure their meeting with the king, and devised some plan on how to deal with House Tachonis and all of the political trappings that would come with it. That was all he was able to learn before everyone retired, promising to discuss it more in the morning. Julien should be upset that such a discussion was allowed to take place without him in the room, but in this moment he cannot find the energy to care.
In many ways the ignorance of his position and title right now is a welcome change. The title of lord has been used for him all night, and every time it is said, Julien is reminded of the loss that granted him the title in the first place. Father would have probably liked King Gus, and the King would have likely loved his father. Not for the first time, Julien is finding himself completely out of his depth, surrounded by people who would prefer those who Julien cannot be to himself, and it is impossible not to let the thoughts sting.
At this point, everyone else is likely asleep, or with sleeping companions. All except one. Occtis got a room of his own tonight, something befitting of his position and title, even if he rejects both. It is a truly terrible idea, but once it has entered his brain, Julien cannot shut it out. A sleepless companion is what he needs right now, and if it means more verbal lashings at his poor character, so be it. Occtis’s room is easy to find, Julien had already insisted earlier on being shown all of their rooms for security reasons. The door is closed and almost unthinkingly Julien raises his hand to knock.
Several seconds pass with no response, and in that time, Julien finds himself already regretting the action. The young lord won’t be pleased seeing him, and for many good reasons. He could rush away and hide, letting Occtis believe that the sound was just a trick of the mind. Before Julien is able to commit to this idea and run away from this, shuffling noises come from within and the door is opened.
Upon seeing him, Occtis’s face goes from curiosity to annoyance in a flash, “What do you want Julien?”
Julien opens his mouth then closes it before opening it again. The words do not come. What does he want? The answer is not a simple one. Occtis is looking more annoyed with Julien the longer he takes to answer. Rolling his eyes, Occtis starts to close the door.
Julien rushes to answer, blurting out, “May I stay here tonight?” Something in his demeanor must give away the sort of state he is in, because Occtis opens the door again, gesturing for the knight to enter.
The room is quite nice for its simplicity, with a bed and desk both at Occtis’s disposal. The desk is where he seems to have taken up residence, as the bed is wholly untouched. Now that he is here, Julien doesn’t know what he is supposed to do now. He did not think this through, and it is biting him in the ass quite thoroughly. With a graciousness that is not deserved, Occtis allows Julien a moment to collect himself. Making his way over to the bed, Julien sits and finds himself picking at the skin around his nails. He is not nearly drunk enough for any of this, but he is too wrung out to care.
“Why are you here Julien?”
Looking up blearily, Julien sees Occtis standing, arms crossed and only a few feet away. There is no good answer here, and he is reminded of the last time Occtis asked him a question with no good answer outside of Obrimus. In lieu of the truth, Julien again offers half of one, “I did not feel comfortable leaving you alone tonight. Danger always lurks near, and we do not know what awaits us.”
Occtis huffs at the answer, but he doesn’t go back to what he was doing before. Occtis stays standing, looking down at Julien with a slight tilt to his head, “Isn’t that the same excuse you used on the Baroness earlier? If I remember correctly you could have gone to her tonight, you are the one that chose not to,” The remark is pointed, and it pokes Julien’s sore spots. He cannot tell if that was Occtis’s intention and the curious look on his face doesn’t aid Julien’s deduction.
“How much did you hear,” Julien asks, stone faced.
“Just the tail end. She was really upset y’know? I don’t have the faintest idea why but she was.”
“Better to be let down by me now then if she was as upset as you say. I am a killer and a reprobate and not a good person to be around. I could not give her what she needed.” He echoes the sentiment from earlier. The duchess was right about his cruelty.
“I think she just wanted to have sex. Which I know you could provide, and that you did provide for that young man when you snuck off together,” Occtis’s voice is bitter and sharp and all too similar to the duchess earlier. The tone is one that is all too understandable to be directed at him, but it still is pissing Julien off.
“Is that a problem?” Julien snaps.
“It just must be nice to be desired in such a way,” A look Julien cannot name passes over Occtis’s face for barely a moment, “Why are you actually here Julien? Why didn’t you just stay with the boy tonight? Please- please Just give me a straight answer. I don’t want to play any more word games tonight.”
Looking at him more closely now, Occtis looks exhausted for lack of a better word. Whatever conversations he has had tonight are weighing heavily, and Julien can see that now. Guilt fills him, he is not the only one who has had a hard night and now he is imposing himself onto someone who probably just wanted to be left alone during one of the very rare moments each of them have the privilege of privacy.
“I couldn’t- I didn’t want to be alone tonight,” Julien tucks his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them, “But I can leave if you would like. I understand you probably don’t want my intrusion.”
Occtis sits beside him, eyes downcast, “Why me though?”
“I didn’t have anywhere else to go,” Julien’s voice comes out small and he looks away so Occtis doesn’t see the tears in his eyes as he furiously blinks them away.
“Oh.”
Occtis does not move away, and just sits by Julien’s side steadfast, lost in thoughts of his own. Hazarding a look at the boy, it is much easier to see how drained he looks, and Julien wonders how he missed it earlier. There is a weight on his shoulders that was not there when Julien last properly saw him. Occtis sits completely unmoving, staring at the floor and contemplating something that Julien is unable to parse.
“Julien?”
“Yes?”
“Do- Would you- fuck. I don’t know.”
Occtis looks upset, and though Julien does not know the reason why he is upset, he feels compelled to help the boy. Doing the only thing he knows to do in a situation like this, Julien unwinds his arm from around his knees, and slowly so Occtis can push him away if he so desires, he gently wraps his arm around Occtis, pulling him into his side.
At first, Occtis does not move, and Julien wonders if he has misread things terribly. It would not be the first time he has done something stupid like that. When Julien is finally about to shift, and apologize, Occtis finally moves, tucking himself more properly into Julien’s side. He is a few inches taller, making it a little bit awkward, but Julien is able to maneuver them both into a more comfortable position by shifting his own body and limbs to better accommodate Occtis.
Even through the clothes, Julien can feel the chill of Occtis’s skin, though it is not nearly as off-putting as one may initially assume. It feels delightful actually, pressed into Julien’s own wine warm body, cooling him down from the edge of overheating. Occtis himself moves slightly, adjusting himself and snaking his own arm to hold Julien’s hand. It is a wholly tender action, and one Julien would never usually allow, from a friend or a lower. Here though, it feels right. The leather is smooth and well taken care of, and Occtis starts rubbing small circles over the back of Julien’s hand.
He cannot say how long they sit like this, holding one another up and offering the only comfort they can, but eventually Julien starts to get sore from the awkward position of holding up both of their bodies.
“Occtis, do you want to lay down? I know you cannot sleep but it may be a bit more comfortable.” Julien asks.
“Um- Yeah, let's do that. Let me change quickly.”
Julien watches as Occtis pulls his bedclothes out of his pack, but politely averts his gaze when Occtis moves to start disrobing. Before he knows it, Occtis is in front of him again, a bashful expression on his face. Offering a small smile, Julien pulls back the covers, and lays on his side, holding the quilt up for Occtis to climb in beside him. The boy does, hesitantly pressing himself against Julien and then making a move with his hand to snuff the candles in the room, leaving them in darkness. Once they are both in, Julien adjusts himself, wrapping his arms around Occtis again, pulling the boy closer.
Relaxing in his grip, Occtis again intertwines his fingers with Julien’s own, and he starts to trace the details of Julien’s hand. All of these gestures are undoubtedly intimate, a more intimate comfort than Julien has allowed himself in many years. If he wanted to he could pretend Occtis was another friend, one that is not in this world anymore. But Julien doesn’t really want to pretend right now, content with who is actually in his arms. Occtis is slowly warming with the body heat he provides, and for the first time in a very long time, Julien lets himself appreciate the moment for what it is. Tomorrow they can deal with their endless troubles and duties. For now Julien just wants to let this moment be, who knows if Occtis will allow another moment of plain vulnerability and selfishness like this. Even if he does, tomorrow is never a guarantee for Julien.
“Thank you, Occtis. For allowing me to stay,” Julien whispers into the dark.
“Thank you for choosing me,” Occtis whispers back.