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“Is everybody ready back there?” asks Matt, looking back at the three college students crammed into the back seat of his rusty green Volkswagen Rabbit. The sun is just barely peeking over the horizon.
“I would be if Lance would stop jabbing me with his elbow,” grumbles Pidge from the left side. She’s sitting cross-legged because Lance’s backpack and her own laptop bag are taking up all the floor space beneath her.
“Oh yeah? Well then, you should stop jabbing me with your knee!” retorts Lance, bumping her leg with his own. He’s hunched uncomfortably in the center seat, his knees almost up to his chest.
“Let’s get this over with,” yawns Keith from Lance’s other side, sandwiched between his boyfriend and the car door with his backpack jammed between his legs on the floor.
“Cool. Let’s get this show on the road,” says Matt, starting the engine.
“This is gonna be so fun!” says Hunk from the front passenger seat, “Road trips are the perfect time for bonding!”
“Glad one of us is having a good time,” Pidge says, voice dripping with sarcasm.
“Why are you even here?” asks Keith, leaning around Lance to give Pidge a scathing look.
“To keep Matt company on the 17-hour-long drive home after he drops your sorry butts off in Wyoming,” she retorts matter-of-factly.
Matt had offered to drive Hunk, Lance and Keith up to Wyoming when Hunk’s car broke down at exactly the wrong moment. Hunk and Lance are traveling up to spend winter break with their families, and Keith is joining Lance to meet his family for the first time after almost a year of being together.
Keith is secretly terrified.
But he’s determined not to make that known.
“Can we listen to some music or something?” Keith asks, resting his cheek against his fist.
“Sure thing!” says Matt, plugging his phone in and pressing a few buttons. A moment later, Oingo Boingo’s ‘Weird Science’ blasts out of the car’s speakers.
Lance’s foot immediately starts tapping as he sways to the beat.
“Are you regretting your decision, Keith?” asks Pidge, narrowly dodging Lance’s elbow, “Because I’m regretting your decision.”
Keith presses his hands to his forehead and leans back, making a sound that’s halfway between a sigh and a groan.
“Hey, this is kinda catchy!” says Hunk through a mouthful of homemade muffin.
---------
Once they reach the highway, Hunk begins to regret the number of baked goods he started his day off with. “Uh, guys…” he says shakily, his voice almost drowned out by the indie-folk cover of OutKast’s ‘Hey Ya!’ playing over the speakers.
“Hunk, I swear to god if you puke in this car…” Pidge says.
“Roll down the window, buddy!” Lance suggests, “That always makes you feel better, right?”
Hunk does as instructed, hanging his head out the window and gulping in the cool air.
He ends up throwing up anyways, but at least it’s on the outside of the car.
“Sorry Matt,” he groans apologetically.
“It’s cool,” Matt says, “That’s what they make carwashes for.”
---------
After a trip through the carwash, they stop by a gas station to pick up some motion sickness medication for Hunk and coffee for the rest of them.
“I think I’ll opt for a Gatorade,” says Hunk, eyeing Pidge and Matt’s matching Java Monsters cautiously.
“Probably for the best,” Pidge agrees.
“I know you like froofy Starbucks drinks, but this is a new low,” Keith gestures at Lance’s bottled Frappuccino.
“It’s better than your gross black coffee!” Lance retorts, sticking his tongue out at his boyfriend.
---------
Once their beverages have been purchased, the group sets back out on their journey to the tune of Lindsey Stirling’s Zelda Medley.
The next few hours go pretty smoothly. Hunk, Pidge and Matt get into a lengthy discussion about Hunk’s car troubles, which eventually devolves into a conversation about how to make the car capable of flight. Keith relaxes a bit and leans over onto Lance’s shoulder instead of pressing himself against the car door. At one point the whole group joins together to sing ‘What Does the Spleen Do?’ (to the tune of ‘What Does the Fox Say?’).
It almost seems like Hunk’s bonding predictions might be coming true.
And then they see the swap meet.
New Mexico’s BIGGEST Swap Meet, if the sign is to be believed.
“Matt! My buddy, my pal! Can you pull over for just a smidge?” asks Lance, leaning his head into the front of the car and grinning at their driver.
“Uh, sure. Why, d’you need to pee or something?” asks Matt, turning into the parking lot.
“Nah,” says Lance, “I just wanna do some Christmas shopping for my family.”
Pidge groans, “Lance, can’t you just do that when you get to Wyoming?”
“Yeah,” Keith agrees, “I’m not gonna have any leg room left if we add anything to this car.”
“At least you still have leg room!” Pidge gripes.
“Pidge, you never put your feet on the floor anyways,” Matt points out, looking back at her in the rearview mirror.
“I came out to have a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now!” Pidge says, throwing her arms in the air. Her hands hit the ceiling, illustrating just how tiny Matt’s car really is.
“And here I thought you came out to keep your brother company on the drive home,” says Hunk with a good-natured smirk.
“Is that so? Because I thought you came out so we would stop mistakenly calling you a boy,” says Matt with an even bigger smirk.
“So attacked!” Pidge repeats in a huff, though her scowl has transformed into a grin.
“So, what are we doing?” asks Keith as they pull into a parking place, “Are we actually doing this? Are we actually stupid enough to do this?”
“Have you met these idiots?” asks Pidge, “They’re absolutely stupid enough to go gift shopping four hours into a 17-hour drive with five people crammed into a Volkswagon Rabbit.”
“It’s true,” says Matt, “We are absolutely that stupid. Now get out of the car, we have shopping to do!”
“Bet I’m stupider than you are,” says Lance with a grin, playfully ramming his shoulder into Keith’s.
“Congratulations. You win,” says Keith flatly, but he can’t help but smile.
They all pile out of the car and head towards the swap meet building.
---------
It takes all of about ten minutes before the group decides to split up.
“Keith, look!” Hunk practically shouts, grabbing the sleeve of Keith’s red leather jacket and pointing enthusiastically into the distance.
“What?” snaps Keith.
“Motorcycle parts!” Hunk says giddily.
Keith’s face lights up a bit. He pulls away from Hunk and reaches out to tap Lance’s shoulder, “Hey Lance, Hunk and I are gonna go check out some motorcycle stuff while you shop.”
“Awww,” Lance pouts, a little taken aback that his best friend and boyfriend are ditching him for motorcycle parts. His heart soars a little when he sees Keith’s face, though, so he forces a smile and plants a kiss on his forehead, “Okay, fine. Maybe I can shop for your present while you’re busy nerding out about gadgets with Hunk!”
“Thanks buddy!” Hunk says to his best friend, “I’ll text you when we’re done.”
---------
“I need to pee,” whines Pidge about 20 minutes into their mostly-fruitless shopping adventure. As it turns out, debit cards aren’t very useful at a swap meet. Not even New Mexico’s BIGGEST Swap Meet. And there are no ATMs in sight.
“Well then, go pee,” says Lance, “There’s a bathroom right over there.” He points.
Pidge groans.
“Come on, Pidgey,” says Matt, “If anybody gives you a hard time, I’m sure Lance will beat them up for you.”
“Gladly!” Lance confirms, grinning cockily and punching his own fist.
“But seriously,” Matt continues, “No one’s gonna give you a hard time. They never do. Unless there’s something you’re not telling me?” He gives Pidge a worried look.
“It’s the principal of the thing!” she retorts, “I just hate gendered restrooms. I’ll just wait until we get to a rest stop with a family restroom or something.”
“You sure?” asks Matt, reaching out a hand to ruffle his sister’s hair, “Cause if you really need to go, I’d be happy to go in with you and we can destroy gender stereotypes together.”
Pidge chokes on a laugh, “I’m fine. I’ll just hold it.”
“Okay cool, because look what I just found!” Lance declares, spinning to point at what has to be the seediest shopfront in the entire swap meet.
“What exactly… did you just find?” asks Pidge, following Lance’s hand with a squint. The shop contains an assortment of car tires, some inflatable toy aliens, several racks of clothes that make most thrift stores look like luxury establishments, a dozen or so milk crates piled with useless junk and…
“Is that a cow?” asks Matt, staring at the large animal tethered at the back of the store.
“I bet this place has all kinds of cool retro stuff,” Lance says, rubbing his hands together, “Gifts for my sister, here I come!”
“I dunno, it looks like a bunch of junk to m—” Pidge stops abruptly as her eyes lock onto something in one of the milk crates, “Is that a Sega Genesis?”
“I see you have an eye on one of our fine goods!” says the shopkeeper, sidling up to Pidge with a hopeful smile.
“Oh. Yeah, uh…” Pidge stammers in surprise, “How much are you selling the Sega Genesis for?”
The shopkeeper’s overeager smile grows, “Oh, that? That’ll be $20.”
“Oh cool! I can afford that,” says Pidge, pulling out her wallet, “Do you take cards?”
The shopkeeper shakes his head, “Cash only.”
“Oh,” Pidge’s face falls, even though she could have seen this coming. She turns and gives Matt and Lance a forlorn look.
“No worries, buddy!” Lance says with a wide grin, “We’ll just pool our cash! I’m sure we’ve got 20 bucks between the three of us, right Matt?” He looks eagerly in Matt’s direction.
“I’m sure we do!” agrees Matt, pulling out his own wallet.
They do not, in fact, have $20 between the three of them. They have $7.22 between the three of them.
“Well, my friends,” says Matt, staring down at their sad pile of spare change, “I think it’s time for us to find the elusive beast known locally as the Automated Teller Machine.”
“Well said, my man!” Lance agrees.
“We’ll be right back,” Pidge tells the shopkeeper, “Don’t sell that Sega Genesis!”
“Don’t worry,” the shopkeeper sighs, “I never sell anything…”
---------
Hunk (11:05am): Hey Lance, we’re ready to meet back up! Where’re you guys at?
Lance (11:06am): Oh, we’re in the next town over.
Hunk (11:06am): I knew it! You brought us here to abandon us!
Lance (11:07am): Chill, man. We’re coming’ back soon.
Lance (11:07am): We just had an ATM emergency.
Lance (11:07am): And now we’re at a Starbucks because Pidge was about to pee her pants.
Hunk (11:08am): I have so many questions.
Lance (11:08am): I’ll text you when we’re ready to meet back up. Take care of my neurotic bf until I get back, okay?
Hunk (11:09am): He’s in good hands!
Lance (11:09am): Thanks buddy. <3
Hunk (11:09am): <3
Hunk looks up from his phone and turns to Keith, “So uh… apparently our friends are in the next town over?”
“What?!” panic flashes across Keith’s face for a split second, but he quickly pushes it away in favor of a scowl.
Hunk gives his friend a reassuring pat on the back, “Don’t worry, they didn’t abandon us. I already asked.”
“What the heck are they doing in the next town over?” Keith growls.
“Uhhh…” Hunk glances around as if his surroundings might magically grant him the ability to explain the situation, “ATM emergency?”
Keith lets out an exasperated sigh, “Idiots.”
Hunk laughs nervously, “You wanna grab some lunch while we wait for ‘em?”
Keith shrugs, “Yeah, whatever.”
“You in the mood for anything specific?” asks Hunk as they stand up from the bench they’ve been sitting on.
“Nah, surprise me,” Keith says flatly.
“You okay, buddy?” Hunk gives his friend a concerned look.
“Yeah. Just woke up too early,” Keith dismisses.
“Uh, don’t you like… wake up at 6am or earlier to go to the gym on a regular basis?” Hunk points out, “C’mon, man, we’re friends. You can tell me if something’s up.”
“I told you! Nothing’s wrong,” Keith snaps, crossing his arms.
Hunk flinches, looking hurt.
“Sorry,” Keith mutters, “Let’s just… get some food.”
Hunk gives his friend a worried smile, “Okay. C’mon, we passed a kebab stand a while back and it smelled deee-licious!” He inhales deeply as if he can still smell the savory scent.
They quickly locate the kebab stand and Hunk orders for them both: lamb kebabs and hot green coffee, as well as a bottle of water for them to share.
“This… actually looks pretty good,” says Keith as they find a new bench to sit on.
“If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s picking out a good food stand,” says Hunk proudly. He takes a bite of kebab and closes his eyes to savor the taste.
Keith finishes a sip of green coffee and gives a soft snort, “Pretty sure you’re good at more than just picking out food at a fleamarket.”
“Fair ‘nuff,” Hunk says through a mouthful of lamb, “Guess I’m not half bad at engineering, either.”
“Not half bad?” Keith scoffs, “You saved my motorcycle from the brink of death without even looking at a manual and helped Pidge build a freaking robot from scratch. Pretty sure you could out-engineer everyone Shiro works with, and their job is literally teaching engineering.”
“Awww, you flatter me!” Hunk blushes.
“I don’t flatter anyone,” Keith says matter-of-factly, finishing off his coffee and starting on his kebab, “I just state the facts.”
Hunk beams, “Well, y’know what? You’re a lot better with people than you give yourself credit for, too!”
“What?” Keith almost chokes on his food, turning to glare suspiciously at Hunk.
“That’s what you’re worried about, isn’t it?” observes Hunk, “That Lance’s family will think you’re a jerk?”
“What? No,” Keith defends.
“It’s okay,” Hunk puts a hefty hand on his friend’s shoulder, “Everyone has something they worry about. I have a lot of things that I worry about!”
“I’m not worried they’ll think I’m a jerk,” growls Keith.
“Uh, yeah. You are. Trust me, buddy. It’s kind of obvious,” Hunk says.
“No, I’m not!” Keith snaps, ripping his shoulder from Hunk’s comforting grip. Then he mutters under his breath, “I’m worried I actually am a jerk.”
Hunk gasps and engulfs Keith in a sudden hug, almost sending both of their food flying. “You are absolutely not a jerk!” he insists, tears welling in his eyes.
Keith sits frozen in place, his food balanced precariously in his outstretched hand, “I uh…” Awkwardly, he reaches his free hand around and gives Hunk’s back a couple stiff pats.
Eventually, Hunk releases the hug and sits back, sniffling and wiping away a few stray tears, “I can’t believe you think that you! Keith! Are a jerk! Where did we go wrong…”
“Hunk it’s…” Keith stumbles over his words, “It’s not that big of a deal.”
Hunk looks positively horrified, “Of course it’s a big deal! We let you down! We let you believe you’re a bad person!”
“Maybe that’s because I actually am a bad person?” says Keith with a shrug.
Hunk sets down his own plate and takes Keith’s shoulders in his hands, shaking him urgently, “You can’t just go around saying things like that, man! You’re breakin’ my little engineer heart!” At this point, it’s nothing short of a miracle that Keith’s food hasn’t flown off of his flimsy paper plate.
Keith sighs and sets his plate down, his shoulders still in Hunk’s affectionate vice grip, “Okay, if you’re so insistent that I’m not a jerk: what evidence do you have to support your claim?”
Hunk sits back, releasing his grip and smiling widely, “Oh, I’m so glad you asked!” He picks his food back up before continuing, punctuating his sentences with mouthfuls of kebab, “First of all, you just gave me an entire essay about how good I am at engineering? I almost cried?”
Keith grunts as he takes a bite of his own food, clearly not convinced.
“Second of all,” Hunk continues, “You make Lance so happy! Seriously, we’ve been best friends since we were kids and I haven’t seen him this happy in years. He’s like… head-over-heals for you, man.”
“That’s not really evidence,” Keith retorts calmly, “It could just mean Lance is an idiot who falls for jerks.”
Hunk humphs softly before moving onto his next point, “And thirdly, have you looked at yourself and your brother, lately? No jerk would have such a sweet, supportive relationship with someone awesome as your brother,” he sniffles, his eyes watery, “It’s just so… so touching.” He finishes the last of his kebab and takes a swig of water.
Keith sighs, “I’m still not sure I believe you, but… thanks Hunk.” He hesitates, then wraps his friend in a loose hug, complete with awkward back pats.
Hunk returns the gesture enthusiastically, squeezing Keith tightly and smooshing their cheeks together, “You’re welcome, buddy. Trust me, you’re gonna charm the pants off of Lance’s family.”
“Oh god,” Keith pulls away and makes a face, “I’d rather they keep their pants.”
They both laugh.
---------
Pidge slams a $20 bill down in front of the shopkeeper, “One Sega Genesis, please!”
The shopkeeper hands over the game console and Pidge hugs it to her chest in utter glee. Matt and Lance grin on her behalf.
As the trio turns to leave, though, the shopkeeper stops them, “Hang on!”
“What?” asks Pidge, clutching her purchase defensively.
“With every purchase, you get a free Kaltenecker!” he says, making his way to the back of the shop and motioning for them to follow.
“A free wh—” Lance starts, then blinks as the shopkeeper starts to untether the cow at the back of his shop, “…the cow?!”
“Uh, no thanks,” says Pidge, “We don’t really need a cow. Just the Sega for us, today.”
“Too late,” says the shopkeeper, “He’s already been legally signed over to you.” He holds out a piece of paper.
“Is that… can he do that?” asks Matt, taking the paper and squinting at it. The text is almost too tiny to read, and he’s not entirely sure it’s even in English. “What is this?”
“Return policy,” the shopkeeper says simply, “No returns.”
“We didn’t purchase a cow, though?” Pidge tries to argue.
“Ah, but you did!” the shopkeeper points at a neon green sticker on the back of the game box. It reads “Buy 1, Get 1 Kaltenecker Free.”
Lance shrugs, “Sounds legit.”
“I guess we have a cow, now?” says Matt.
“Worth it!” says Pidge, hugging her new game console.
---------
Lance (11:51am): All done shopping! Headin’ back to the car now. Come meet us out front!
Hunk (11:51am): Okay, we’re on our way!
Nothing could have prepared Hunk and Keith for what they see when they walk out of the swap meet.
“Is that a COW?!” Keith exclaims, voice filled with both rage and laughter. Mostly rage.
“Awwww, she’s so cute!” Hunk presses his hands to his cheeks in delight.
“His name’s Kaltenecker!” declares Lance.
“You do realize the udder means—” Keith begins, but Matt cuts him off.
“The shopkeeper used he pronouns, so we’re assuming that’s what Kaltenecker prefers,” says Matt, as if this is a perfectly reasonable explanation.
“Alternately, the shopkeeper has no idea what he’s talking about,” says Pidge, still clinging to her Sega Genesis, “but far be it for me to shut down anyone’s trans cow headcanons.”
“Okay, so...” Hunk pokes his tongue out and squints thoughtfully, “How exactly did you guys get a cow?”
“He came free with the Sega Genesis,” says Pidge.
Keith pinches the bridge of his nose, “Okay, I could understand how this happened if it was just Lance and Matt… but Pidge?! How could you possibly think this was a good idea?”
“Hey!” Lance objects.
“She was blinded by the seductive pull of retro gaming consoles,” explains Matt, “Cut her some slack.”
“It’s… true,” Pidge says, suddenly a bit sheepish.
“Okay,” Keith takes a deep breath, repeating one of Shiro’s mantras in his head.
Patience yields focus. Patience yields focus. Patience. Yields. Focus.
After a few more deep breaths, he speaks again, “Okay, what are we gonna do with this cow?”
The question is met with a collective “uhhhhhh…”
Finally, Hunk’s face lights up, “Lance’s family lives on a farm! I bet they could take him!”
“Well, it’s not really a farm,” Lance corrects, “We just have a chicken coop and a milk cow.”
“Close enough,” shrugs Matt.
Keith takes another deep breath.
Patience yields focus. Patience yields focus. Patience yields focus.
“Okay, that’s… a start,” he says “but how are we getting the cow to the farm?”
“He can ride on top of the car!” Lance says with a cheesy grin.
Keith groans and pinches the bridge of his nose again.
“I think he was joking,” Hunk says, giving Keith’s back a reassuring pat.
“I… know,” Keith forces another deep breath.
“We could rent a U-Haul,” suggests Matt, “Like… one of those special cow U-Hauls?”
“A… livestock trailer?” says Lance.
“Sure, that sounds like ostensibly correct,” Matt nods.
Pidge gives her brother an incredulous look, “How did you get three years into a PhD program without knowing what a livestock trailer is?”
“It’s not a PhD in agriculture!” Matt defends, “How do you know what a livestock trailer is?”
“Uh, she lives with Lance?” points out Hunk, now rhythmically stroking Kaltenecker’s side.
“And I have a brain?” Pidge adds.
Patience yields focus. Patience yields focus. Patience yields focus.
“Guys!” Keith yells. The rest of the group turns to face him.
Okay, shouting works too.
Keith takes another breath before speaking in a calm growl, “How are we going to acquire a livestock trailer and get it to Wyoming?”
“Uhhh… oh!” Matt’s face lights up this time, “Shiro! Shiro can drive!”
Keith squints, “If we’re involving my brother, you’re telling him. I refuse to take responsibility for this… whatever this is.”
Matt gives him a thumbs up, “I’ll text him!”
“I’ll look up livestock trailer rentals back in Arizona,” offers Pidge, pulling out her phone.
“I guess I should uh… tell the fam we have a new cow?” says Lance with a sheepish grin, pulling out his own phone.
“Go team!” Hunk punches the air, then goes back to petting Kaltenecker.
---------
Matt (12:30pm): shiro. takakshi. how much do you love me?
Shiro (12:32pm): Quite a bit. Why?
Matt (12:32pm): good. can I ask you a big favor?
Shiro (12:33pm): What kind of a favor?
Matt (12:33pm): can you pick up a livestock trailer and meet us in new mexico?
Matt (12:33pm): and then like… drive it to wyoming and back with us?
Shiro (12:34pm): Do I even want to ask?
Matt (12:34pm): it’s a long story
Matt (12:34pm): it involves a sega genesis
Matt (12:34pm): and a cow
Matt (12:34pm): mostly the cow
Shiro (12:35pm): Oh my god.
Matt (12:35pm): so can you do it?
Shiro (12:41pm): Just… tell me where I’m going.
Matt (12:41pm): have I ever told you that you’re my favorite best friend? <3
Shiro (12:41pm): You’re lucky the feeling is mutual.
“Alright,” Matt gives the group a thumbs up, “Shiro is accounted for!”
“Trailer rental is accounted for!” Pidge echoes.
Lance holds his phone above his head victoriously, “Parental permission is… more-or-less accounted for!”
Hunk gives Kaltenecker’s side an affectionate pat, “Cow is acownted for!”
Matt and Lance’s cackling drowns out Keith’s groan.
“And most importantly of all,” Pidge hugs her prized purchase to her chest, “Sega Genesis is accounted for!”
“It’s so nice to see Pidge enjoying herself, finally,” Hunk says fondly, “It just… brings a smile to my face.”
“But at what cost?” Keith grumbles.
“Stop being such a sourpuss!” Lance reprimands, planting a kiss on his boyfriend’s cheek.
“I’m not being a sourpuss,” Keith defends, “I’m just being realistic. We’re going to show up a day late with a cow and your family will probably be—”
Lance cuts him off by pressing a kiss to his lips. When he pulls away, he places a tender hand on the back of Keith’s neck and looks into his eyes. “My family’s gonna laugh their butts off about the cow,” he half-whispers, “and more importantly, they’re gonna love you.”
Keith doesn’t say anything, just melts into Lance’s arms and hums happily.
Pidge fakes a gagging noise, “That’s it, I’m riding in the trailer with Shiro.”