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It was directly after sex that was always the worst for Thomas. He would stay for a few minutes, breathing heavily next to Alex. Sometimes Alex didn't say anything for ten minutes and he thought that maybe he could stay but that never happened.
It was in those moments that Thomas often felt like Alex wanted him there but he was reminded of the opposite when one of them said anything.
The case was just that, Thomas was next to Alex and he was staring up at the ceiling. He had forgotten momentarily the circumstance and it was nice.
They lay there for about five minutes before Alex spoke up.
"So are you going to leave or what?" He asked, annoyed.
"Oh right." Thomas said, getting up and gathering his clothes. He slipped them on silently and left without saying another word.
He locked the front door to Alex's apartment and then closed it in one fluid motion.
Almost the moment he stepped outside onto the snow, he burst into tears.
-
"Alexander?" Thomas said softy, stepping into Alex's office.
Alex looked up at him for a moment, looked back down at whatever he had been working on, and looked back up at Thomas.
"What do you want, Jefferson?" Alex asked angrily.
"Are you alright?"
Alex's facial expression went from confused to furious in a split second.
"What the fuck does it mean to you?!" He yelled, causing Thomas to flinch and take a step back.
"Nothing." Thomas spat. "Washington sent me to ask." He turned and left, almost literally stomping away.
He was lying.
-
Alex and Thomas didn't speak at all for the next three days.
Thomas knew Alex was working late that night so he made sure he was too. He didn't have much to do though and ended up playing on his phone for an hour until everybody except Alex had gone home.
He took a deep breath and walked down the hallway to Alex's office.
Facing him didn't seem like too great of an idea to Thomas but he almost craved Alex's touch and was more than willing to get yelled at again if it meant at least being in his presence for the first time in days.
The door to Alex's office was open so Thomas knocked on the doorframe to let him know he was there.
"Hey." Alex said, looking up at Thomas, who was then leaning against the wall.
"Hi."
Alex stood up and walked over to Thomas swiftly. Just when he was about to reach up to touch him, Thomas pushed him backwards against his desk and kissed him fiercely. Alex's arms immediately wrapped around Thomas' neck and he moaned his name.
When Thomas went home that night, he felt empty. He didn't know why though. He got what he wanted didn't he?
He suppressed the thought though and went to bed so he could forget about how he felt.
-
Thomas found himself on Alex's doorstep again.
It was a never ending cycle. They would fuck and then Thomas would leave and be upset. He pretended that he didn't know why he was upset. He pretended that he was just in a bad mood because he was tired.
Part of him knew exactly why he was upset though.
Deep down, he knew he wanted something more. He wanted something more between him and Alex.
The sex just wasn't enough for Thomas anymore. He could barely stand facing Alex anymore.
He felt pathetic.
He was sitting on Alex's doorstep in the middle of the night in January, freezing his ass off and on the verge of tears yet again. The fact that that was a regular occurrence just made him feel worse.
Thomas wouldn't go as far as to say that he was in love with Alex. He could however, say that he wanted to fall in love with him.
He wanted to fall asleep next to Alex and wave there when he woke up. He wanted to kiss him and hold him. He wanted to give his all to Alex and all he wanted in return was for Alex to do the same.
Thomas felt himself sob. Tears were falling down his cheeks at that point. He put a hand in his hair and pulled it slightly in some sort of half-assed attempt to distract himself so he would stop crying.
It didn't work.
He didn't even realize when the door behind him opened and Alex stepped out.
"Thomas?"
Thomas' head jerked up and he made a vicious effort to rub his face to try and hide the fact that he was crying despite it being pointless to do so.
"What?" Thomas asked.
"You're kind of crying on my front porch?"
"I'm sorry, I'll leave." Thomas stood up but Alex grabbed his wrist.
"Come inside, you've got to be freezing." He said softly. Thomas was confused but complied.
He was actually expecting Alex to talk to him for once but of course, that wouldn't happen.
Alex led Thomas upstairs and he was half expecting Alex to try and initiate sex. He didn't though, and Thomas was thankful.
Alex helped him out of his clothes and then went over to his dresser, taking out a shirt and some sweatpants.
"This is all I have that will fit you but the sweatpants might be a little small." He said.
Thomas thanked him and quickly put them on. The sweatpants were a bit short on him but he wasn't about to complain.
Alex climbed into his bed and motioned for Thomas to do the same. Thomas was far too tired to question what was happening and got under the covers with Alex.
"Can you turn off the light?" Alex asked, nodding to the lamp beside Thomas. Thomas reached over and did as the other man asked.
Thomas was laying with his back facing Alex but Alex tapped him on the shoulder.
"Flip over."
Thomas turned into his other side and Alex almost immediately pressed himself into Thomas' chest. Thomas felt himself melt into the touch and let out a small, inaudible sigh.
Thomas knew that the intimacy didn't mean anything to Alex but to him, just getting to touch Alex in a way that wasn't sexual nearly meant everything.
He knew that their relationship was nothing close to healthy but he was tired and Alex was falling asleep in his arms so he pushed those thoughts to the side like he had so many nights before but this time, he didn't regret doing so.