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The car ride home had been quiet. Sam had drove them all home, per Dean’s request. Mostly because Dean knew he wouldn’t be able to truly focus on the road. Not with Cas in the back and not with everything that had happened. Those three little words that Cas spoke still burned and echoed inside of Deans brain, bouncing around like a ping pong ball. I love you. The words had been whispered and eyes cast down, but Dean knew that it was meant for him and only him. Then Castiel said he loved them all and that was the confirmation, as if Dean needed one. Sure, it had been a deathbed love confession, but it wasn’t a lie and Dean knew that. The last thing Cas wanted Dean to hear was that and Dean couldn’t stop thinking about it. Sure, it was the first time they had ever uttered the words love at each other, but so many times they had said it or shown it. Dean has said it more times then not, just maybe not those three little words, but three other ones. I need you. It wasn’t love, but in Dean’s brain it was the same thing.
The bunker was just as quiet as the car ride home had been. Dean had sat in the back with Cas, who seemed to keep bouncing between unconsciousness and consciousness. Dean had found his fingers itching to hold Cas’ hands, where they set so gentle and folded in his lap. He could’ve done it, just reached out and laced their fingers, no questions asked. Sam wouldn’t have said anything. Cas would’ve just given him a look before letting it be with a soft smile, but Dean didn’t. He just flexed his fingers reaching out, but quickly taking his hand back and shoving them into his lap. He was definitely acting like a coward which he wasn’t one, but in those moments he had been. Those three little ( massive ) words had him craving physical connection, physical touch, with Cas but he couldn't push himself to do it.
“I think I’m just going to head to bed.” Sam mumbled into the quietness of the bunker, pulling Dean from his thoughts. His brother shoulders slumped a little bit with the tiredness he was carrying. He gave a small smile and a shoulder shrug before making his way out of the war room and to his room. Dean had given a soft nod before turning his attention to Cas, who looked worse than both the Winchester brothers put together. Almost dying will do that to a person though. Castiel had managed to give a small nod in return before finding his own eyes to drop a little. Dean couldn’t help the soft smile that tugged at his lips at the sight of the angel.
Cas almost died. Dean had almost lost Cas.
The thought stopped Dean in his tracks, a coldness seeping into his bones. He’d almost lost his angel today and he hadn’t said it back. Castiel almost died without knowing that Dean felt the same way. Sure, Dean had said it in different ways and kind of showed it. But, for all Dean knew Cas didn’t know, Cas hadn’t picked up on it all. Dean could feel the ocean of emotions welling up inside of him, causing his throat to swell with them. He wasn’t a ‘talk about your feelings’ kind of person, never had been. But, if Cas had died would he have known? Dean wasn’t sure and that feeling left him feeling uneasy. Cas used his almost dying breath to tell him and Dean couldn’t say it back.
“I think I’m going to take Sam’s lead, head to bed myself.” Cas spoke tiredness heavy in his words. The fact that Cas was even feeling tired set Dean on edge. Castiel was an angel of the lord, he shouldn’t feel tired. He shouldn’t have almost died today either but he did. Dean quickly set his duffle bag down on the war table before moving closer to Cas, wrapping his arms around Cas enclosing him into a tight hug. Dean could feel Cas stiffen and stand up a little more taller, probably taken back by the embrace and also probably more awake now. And even though Cas had complained earlier that his arms felt heavy he still wrapped them around Dean — hugging him back.
“Dean..?” Cas voice was a whisper right in Deans ear, his arms still holding on tight, not letting go. Even though Dean could feel them tremble a little bit, probably taking all of the strength Cas had left to hold on.
“You.- I-. Five minutes, Cas.” Dean whispered the words, the emotion was heavy in his voice and in that moment he didn’t care. He didn’t care if it was unmanly or girly to show emotion, because Cas had almost died and Dean just needed this. He needed five minutes of Cas in his arms, to let his brain know that for the moment Cas was safe and alive and with him. Dean could feel Cas lips curve into a small smile as he nodded his head. Cas body seemed to melt into Dean, putting almost all his weight on Dean and Dean didn’t mind. Castiel had held him up so many times, Dean didn’t mind doing that for him right now.
“Let’s get you to bed..” Dean finally mumbled after five minutes, actually Dean was positive it was way longer than five but neither of them wanted to move. They didn’t really want to move now, Castiel just nodded but didn’t make an effort to move, Dean didn’t either. At least another minute or two passed before Dean pulled away, but not to far so he could still hold Cas’ weight. Dean helped Cas out of the war room and down the hall to Cas’ bedroom. Dean was know standing behind Cas, hands on his shoulders slowly guiding him to his room. Once in Dean kicked the door gently closed and stopped Cas before he could lay down.
“Take the layers off.” Dean mumbled, before shaking his head at the soft grin on Cas lips and the slightly raised eyebrow because of his words. First things first, Dean helped Cas take off his trench coat before folding it up neatly and setting it to the side. Next, Dean helped remove his suit jacket and tie, before removing his shirt. Leaving Cas in his white t-shirt he wore underneath. Softly pushing on the angel’s shoulder to make him sit down, Dean bent down to untie and remove Cas socks and shoes.
“We’re almost done.” Dean spoke in a soft whisper as he stood back up, guiding Cas to stand up once more. The angel already looked like he was half asleep, but complied with standing up once more — a grumble leaving his lips. Dean couldn’t help the soft chuckle that escaped his own lips as he undid the angels belt before removing his pants, leaving him in his boxers and white t-shirt. Pulling down the bed covers, Dean guided Cas once more into the bed making him lay down. Once Cas was comfortable, Dean pulled the covers back up over him before leaning up. Dean couldn’t help the soft smile that tugged on his lips at the sight of the angel, already fast asleep, a soft snore coming from his lips. Dean had almost lost him, almost lost this, them, all of it.
Leaning back down Dean placed a soft gentle kiss to the angels forehead, lingering for a few seconds before moving to his temple, placing another soft kiss there. “Goodnight, Cas.” Dean mumbled in a soft whisper against the angels temple, before standing back up once more. His eyes lingering on the sleeping angel, reminding himself that he was home and safe before working up the strength to leave. However, just as the hunter went to move the feeling of gentle fingers wrapped around his waist. Pulling him back to the bed and causing him to turn around to meet ocean blue eyes, staring up at him.
“Stay with me?” Three words whispered from the angel’s lips and Dean couldn’t help but find them meaning more than just for tonight. It wasn’t just a stay with me, just like I need you, wasn’t just an I need you. Three words. Three different words always seemed to mean more than just that between them. I need you. I love you. Stay with me. Hell, even buddy was less of buddy and more of something else between them. Hope, love and hint of fear lingered in the ocean blue eyes that stared back at the forest green eyes.
“Okay.” Dean whispered back in the softness of the night, but the smile that formed quickly on the angels lips was bright enough to light up the room.
“Okay.” Cas whispered back with a soft nod and his warm smile before releasing Deans wrist, rolling over in the bed.
“Okay.” Dean whispered back once more, before removing his own jacket, over shirt, socks, shoes and pants. Leaving him in just his black t-shirt and boxers, slightly tapping Cas back to tell him to scoot over. Which he did with a small grumble and a soft grin on his lips.
“No..Don’t say it.” Dean mumbled, his mind picking up where Cas was about to go with all the okay’s, but was too late. “Perhaps okay can be our always.” Castiel, angel of the lord, whispered with a playful smile on his lips as he quoted a movie they had watched forever ago. Dean couldn’t help the groan that escaped his lips, as Cas rolled over and into his side.
“I knew I was going to regret letting you talk me into watching that movie.” Dean grumbled, his arms coming around to wrap around Cas, pulling him in closer. Dean could feel the smile on Cas lips, as the angel nuzzled his nose into the hunters neck. “No need to lie, Dean. We both know you love chick flicks.” Cas mumbled against Dean neck, sending a shiver down the hunters spine before a huff left the hunters lips. Not agreeing or disagreeing with the angel.
“Go to sleep, Cas.” Dean grumbled with a soft smile on his lips.
“As you wish, Dean.” Castiel answered back, a bigger grin on his lips as he placed a soft kiss on the hunter's neck before settling down to go to sleep, once again. “I’m not sure if I should be happy or annoyed that you are finally getting some pop culture references.” Dean grumbled, mostly to himself. He could feel the soft breaths escaping Cas’ lips, as his breathing evened out signalling that he was asleep. Dean couldn’t help the smile that kept a tight hold on his lips, as he held the angel tightly to his chest refusing to let go. Cas had almost died today. Dean had almost lost Cas again. Almost lost them before they even got a chance to be them. But not anymore, no more wasted time. No more thinking about doing it later, because the truth was they didn’t know if they would get later. However, they did have now and Dean wasn’t about to waste anymore time or pushing it all down and waiting to deal with it ‘later’ - later wouldn’t always be there.
“I love you.” Dean whispered the words into the quiet dark room, where the only sound was Cas even breathing as he slept. Emotion was heavy in his voice as his arms tightened a little around Cas. Moving his head a little to the side, the hunter once more placed a soft gentle kiss on the angels forehead letting his own eyes close. “I love you.” He mumbled gentle against the angels forehead, emotion thick in his voice. Moving his head back up Dean once more tucked Cas head back under his chin, eyes starting to droop as his own tiredness kicked in.
“I know.” The words spoke in a whisper echoed in the quiet room, Dean could feel the gentle smile on Cas lips. Dean couldn't help the mix of a groan and laugh that bubbled up out of him. Leave it to Cas to help take the stress off of Dean for making such a big confession, by turning it into a star wars reference.
“You’re killing me, Cas.” Dean mumbled around a mixture of a groan and laugh, the emotion still heavy in his voice as he pulled the angel closer to him.
“Goodnight, Dean.” Cas whispered with one more soft kiss to Dean neck, before the angel nuzzled his head into the crook of Deans neck and shoulder, softly falling asleep once more. Dean couldn't help the giant grin that played on his lips, the smile staying there even after he finally managed to fall asleep. No more wasting time. No more pretending, no more hiding or lying. Because in the end all they really had was now and now they also had each other. And if they didn’t get out of bed tomorrow till way past noon, it was no one's business but their own.