Chapter Text
Church got up as quickly as possible. Thankfully this didn’t wake up Caboose. He then threw on his clothes and fled out the door. He didn’t know where he was going. All he knew was that there was no way he was going to let fucking Caboose wake up to spooning him in the morning sun.
A shiver went down his spine just thinking about it.
It’s been days since he had the best possible night’s sleep while wrapped up in Caboose’s big warm arms, and he was in hell. He hadn’t slept in months up till then. He’d been operating on the bare minimum sleep and the maximum amount of caffeine, living like a reanimated corpse, and apparently the solution, the fucking cure for his torment, was to let that annoying ass, pyromaniac, little shit of a freshman treat him like a human teddy bear.
He wanted to tear his hair out at how impossible and embarrassing this situation was, and worse yet, Caboose wasn’t even acting any different. It was like nothing happened. Like this was totally fucking normal. So there Church was, in literal fucking hell trying not scream his head off, and Caboose was living his sweet blissful life unaware of it all. Lucky fucking bastard.
And as if the universe wanted to hammer in the point, he was sleeping worse than ever now. His nights were just filled with tossing and turning and the intense feeling that he was about to die at the hands of who fucking knows what. He’d start his days with a pounding heart, drenched in sweat and feeling like he just ran a marathon. Every. Fucking. Time.
It was so bad that he finally pulled a Grif and fell asleep in class, and not only did he fall asleep in a crowded ass lecture hall, but he was fucking snoring. He was so loud that the guy next to him woke him upon the professor’s request. When he jolted awake the whole room was staring at him. He wanted to crawl into himself and straight up die.
After that he tried everything. No caffeine past midday, melatonin before bed, herbal tea, he even tried fucking yoga and guided meditation. The whole thing wreaked of stupid new age bullshit to him, but he had to try. He couldn’t stand his alternatives.
None of that even remotely though.
“Dude, you look like you’re about to fall over. Are you good?” asked Tucker.
They were sitting in the library. Church agreed to be his body double while he tried to study. Tucker hated actually doing his course work, but he claimed it was easier to do if someone was silently judging him from nearby. Church brought his own stuff to work on, but he’d be lying if he said that he actually made any progress. Hell, he could barely read the words on the page.
“Yeah, I’m good.”
“You sure? You know you don’t have to sit here with me. If you want to go home and take a nap, that's fine by me.”
“I said I’m fine,” he said a little more shortly than he wanted.
“Church, I’m going to be real with you. You’ve always had dark circles under your eyes and a pissed off look you can only achieve by surviving solely off of caffeine, but now you look like straight dog shit every time I see you.”
“Well, fuck you too.”
“Dude, I just want to know if you’re okay.”
“Just some trouble sleeping. I’ll be fine.”
“Whatever you say man,” he said, doubt evident in every syllable.
He stayed until Tucker called it quits. Tucker said that if he had to read another word he’d shoot his brains out, but Church knew he was just ending his study session early so Church could go home. Hell, Tucker even walked him to their dorm before leaving again. He hated being pitied like that.
He holed up in his room and when he started to get ready for bed he turned off all light and electronics, closed his eyes, and started to do breathing exercises that he had read online. This got him to fall asleep for sure, but his dreams were still as horrible as ever.
He woke up multiple times before calling it quits at around six. His eyes ached and his head felt like he was going to split open. That’s when he knew he had one of two choices, start heavily self medicating and risk forming an addiction, or ask Caboose over again. He gave it some thought, but unfortunately texting Caboose was probably the better call.
He texted him seeing if he wanted to come over Friday night. He wasn’t thrilled about having to wait two more days, but he wanted to make sure Caboose didn’t have anything that would prevent him from not staying the night, like an early class.
Sure enough, within seconds he got a big ‘YES!!” back. He sighed. No going back now. He had to be brave.
He spent his time until Caboose showed up drench in worry. He got very specific about how he worded his texts. He tried to emphasize how it’ll be “just last time”. This was his way of telling him he can stay the night without ever saying that’s what he wanted. He just wished it worked. His body tensed thinking about what could go wrong.
When Caboose showed up, he was in the same fuzzy pajamas as last time and had an arm full of snacks. Church felt a weight come off his shoulders. This had to mean that he understood exactly what he meant. Thank god.
“I brought popcorn this time!” Caboose announced.
“Sure did, man.” Church was also revealed that the popcorn wasn’t microwavable kind. The thought of Caboose microwaving anything put him on edge, especially after the mac and cheese incident.
Caboose got comfy on his bed and asked Church to get the lights. Church told him he could choose the movie again. This made Caboose swell with pride as he announced that he already thought of what to watch. Church couldn’t care less about what he chose. Not only was the movie not the point, but he was also kinda convinced that not caring about what was playing was a big part of it. Caboose chose some movie Church had never heard of and he put that theory to the test.
They watched two movies together and in that time Church could feel himself relaxing. He’d zone in and out of focus, to the point that if pressed he could only give a vague idea of what was happening and nothing more. He also noticed that this was the optimal way to hang out with Caboose. Minimal talking, he didn’t have to look at his blindingly cheery face and Caboose wasn’t boring holes into him with his eyes the entire time. He should employ this method more often. It’d solve so many problems.
As the credits rolled on the second movie Caboose did a big stretch putting his arms over his head while making a little groaning sound. Every time something like this happened Church was once again reminded and shocked to actually see how buff he really was. Like no one who had that little disregard for personal space and boundaries should be built like that, and Church was saying that as someone who’d been crushed by many unwanted hugs.
“Yes?” Caboose asked, tilting his head to the side.
“What?”
“I thought you were going to say something.”
“Well, I wasn’t.”
“Oh, well it just felt like you did. With how you were looking at me and all.”
“Get over yourself. I wasn’t fucking staring.” He could feel his face heating up, and was thankful for Caboose's insistence on a movie atmosphere.
“Okay,” he said way too quickly.
He felt like he was being dismissed, but he knew if he kept denying it he’d sound even more guilty. Guilty of what? He wasn’t too sure, but he wasn’t about to give him any sense of satisfaction over this. Instead he decided to redirect his attention.
“So what’s next?”
“I think I'm gonna head home. It’s pretty late.”
And just like that Church’s heart stopped.
Caboose got up and began looking for his shoes.
Oh no.
Panic seized Church. He didn’t get it. He didn’t get it. This dense ass motherfucker didn’t fucking get it. He got the damn sleepover vibe down until the actual sleeping over part. God fucking damn it!
“What do you mean you’re going?” asked Church.
“I have an early shift in the morning.”
“Since when?” Church demanded. He knew that Caboose worked at the campus convenience store, but he never worked the weekends. Church specifically went there on the weekends to avoid him. Still, some part of him cringed at how entitled he sounded. Like he was an exacerbated house wife feeling betrayal as her husband explained he never liked her lasagna, and now she was demanding to know why. The other part didn’t care how he sounded. He was a nervous wreck due to sleep deprivation and he needed Caboose to stay exactly where he was no matter what.
“Yeah, you know, they normally don’t like me opening, something about not liking me there by myself, but the person who normally opens on the weekend will be gone so I picked it up.”
“Yeah but…”
“Don’t worry Church. We can have movie night again.”
This could not be happening.
“I mean, that doesn't mean you have to go home,” Church tried.
“It’s just easier to start my day from my own room.”
“Yeah but that’s just a few floors down. What’s the big deal of waking up here and walking down there?”
“Do you want me to stay?”
He asked so bluntly, and with a plain straightforward expression it made it feel like he was looking into his soul. He hated it.
“No, it’s not that I want you to stay, but you said you would and now you’ve changed your mind.” He was all too aware of how lame he sounded, but he couldn't help it. He was desperate.
“I can stay if you really want.”
“Do whatever you want, I don't care.”
Caboose settled back down onto the bed. “Do you want to watch another movie?”
“Sure,” Church grumbled.
Without saying anything else Caboose took the laptop and pulled up another movie. He didn’t browse for one. He just clicked, and a movie started playing.
“You don’t have to stay,” Church said, hardly audible. He still didn’t want him to leave, but he hated how possessive he felt, and over Caboose of all people.
“Eh, it’s fine. Like you said, there’s only a few floors between your room and mine. It’s all good.”
This felt so much worse. Caboose was just humoring. He could feel it. Like he was a little kid and he was just trying to pacify to end his tantrum. Part of him wanted to force Caboose out in a desperate attempt to alleviate that feeling, but he knew he couldn’t. More than anything he needed to sleep.
Caboose paused the movie. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, of course I am,” he said this as confidently as he could, but he could hear his voice breaking.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes!”
Caboose took a beat, “Is there a different movie you want to watch?”
“No, I don’t care, this is fine. Everything’s fine, okay?” Caboose was the literal worst. His questions made him go from sad to miserable. Like Church knew he was a pathetic piece of shit. He didn’t need someone to bring attention to it.
“Okay, Church,” he said in that same condescending tone. That one said he didn’t believe him, but he’ll go along with it anyway. This made him feel even more defensive.
“I’m just kinda tired is all.” Why was he still talking? He was just making himself sound more and more like a petulant child.
“Okay.”
“Yeah so…”
The tension was so thick it was strangling him.
“Do you want to lay down?” Caboose asked plainly.
“What?” panic seized him again. Was Caboose still trying to leave?
“We can still watch the movie. We’ll just be, you know, horizontal.”
“Sure.”
They shifted their positions so they were laying pressed right against each other sharing the one pillow at the head of the bed. Caboose was on the outer side of the bed with Church crammed against the wall. Part of him wanted to call bullshit on the arrangement, but Caboose did say he had to be somewhere early. He decided to not press his luck.
Caboose placed the laptop on his stomach, and squirmed around some more to really get comfortable, and consequently rubbed all up on Church. He hated being touched with a passion, but the furnace type heat that was coming off of Caboose was a million times better than the cold ass wall to his left.
Once they were settled in and the movie was playing, it wasn’t long after that Church finally fell asleep. With all the anxiety and tension fading away it was easier to just slip away. He welcomed the beautiful nothingness, and would make peace with his inevitable shame in the morning. He needed this so goddamn bad.
He woke up just like the other times. Mid-morning light streaming in, his glasses carefully removed sometime in the night and a sense of overwhelming peace he never knew he was capable of feeling. The only difference was that the other half of his bed was empty. He reached over and touched it. It was cold.
He should’ve been happy about this. One of the parts he dreaded most about this stupid arrangement was waking up to Caboose spooning him. So why did this somehow feel worse?
He stewed this over without moving from his bed. Him leaving a sleeping Caboose alone in his room was fine, but this reversal was really getting under his skin. Why was there never any winning?
He groaned.
The worst part was he’d have to do this again and again and again. He was, afterall, completely dependent on this asshole for a good night’s sleep. There really was no fucking winning. He was just completely fucked in life and had to deal with it.