Chapter Text
Overwhelmed. That was the singular word Kris could use to describe their current state of self: Overwhelmed.
Hours of preparation and carefully constructed poise vanished the very moment they heard their friends’ voices and saw their warm, loving eyes. Then Ralsei really sealed the deal by doing basically nothing, just, just touching them was enough to fritz their entire nervous system.
Kris was acutely aware they had neglected to speak, or move, or even think for at least a few good seconds. Fucking hell, everyone was staring at them now, they, they can’t-
“Kris?” It was Elly, her face laden with worry, voice unsure and adorable and with that stupid bucktooth smile they always loved pointed at them. “You said we needed to talk, and, um, y-you seem a bit…out of it?”
She reached out her hand, grasping Kris’ own and gifting it with a light squeeze, and they felt the rough hooved digits running circles around their knuckles, contrasting with the soft, well-groomed fur prickling at their skin. “Just know, that, um, It’s ok! If-if you’re nervous, that is!”
“Yeah dude, whatever that shit is, it can’t be worse than the whole knight and SOUL stuff, right?” Susie chimed in, good-humoured as always. As suddenly as her mirth came, it vanished, replaced by a look of dread, sweat pooling on her forehead. “Right…?”
Kris felt their body involuntarily jerk away from both Ralsei and Noelle’s grasps, eliciting a small yelp from both fluffy folks. They tried their absolute hardest to not tear up at the look of hurt etched on both their faces. They couldn’t fault their other half too much for the action, lugging around their roiling bundle of nerves was never an easy task. They knew.
“Restroom” Their body abruptly stood up, inadvertently slamming both hands upon the table. Hard. The words that weren’t Kris’ came out shaky and rasped, the SOUL’s hold on their own emotions weakened by their currently very fraught, no good state of mind.
“Uh…sure thing dude, want us to order for you?” Susie knew something was up, she was more perceptive than most folks gave her credit for, but she was currently giving them the courtesy of not pressing the issue. Something their other friends seemed pretty keen on doing as well. Ok.
“The usual.” The SOUL threw out, making its way towards the back of the diner. It almost slipped twice while piloting their body, something Kris would have found unimaginably funny if they weren’t currently in such dire straits.
It wasn’t much to look at, for sure, but at least QC kept her place somewhat clean, unlike another nearby dining establishment. Kris shuddered at the sights that they and Azzy sometimes saw in that place. There are things no mortal enby is meant to witness. Speaking of sights, they looked like, well, they looked like shit.
Kris was once again drenched in sweat, and much to their chagrin, both their hair and undershirt clung very uncomfortably to their body. They were pretty sure they looked a shade or two paler as well, and overall, their current appearance was not something they would call good. Or healthy. They just stood there, trying to gather their thoughts, eyes locked to that wretched-looking human in the mirror.
That could have gone much better.
Its internal deadpan delivery made Kris audibly chuckle, looking like some damn lunatic to anyone not well-versed in their particular brand of bodily problems.
Glad that somewhat lifted your spirits, but we need to reconsider our strategy. Your approach isn’t working.
Understatement of the century. Kris sighed deeply, losing themself within their mind as the SOUL took upon itself the task of giving their face and hair a passable do-over. The plan was supposed to be quite straightforward: They loved Susie, Ralsie and Noelle, and therefore were going to confess. They chose a familiar and comfortable place, just like uncle Rudy suggested, and they were going to be honest, to speak from the heart, if you will. But then…
It was just too much. Their voice, their appearance, their smiles, their…touch. Kris tried their best to push down the furious blush creeping itself up towards their face. They were being so goddamned teenage about this, and the worst part is, they knew, they knew their actions were befit of some dumbass protagonist from those silly fanfics Noelle read and insisted were art, but they just…couldn’t do anything about it.
I am relaxing my hold on your body. Take this time to gather your bearings, we will have to face the music eventually.
Maybe they could just sneak out the window, call the whole thing off as another misguided Kris prank. Wouldn’t be the first time they did it.
Any and all hopes of escape were swiftly crushed by the sound of soft knocking on the restroom door. Oh no.
“K-Kris? Can I come in?” It was Noelle, shit. She probably got worried, seeing as they were acting all out of whack and thought to check things for herself. Kris gripped the sink with enough strength to feel the strain on the porcelain.
“It’s a public facility, Elly. You don’t gotta ask.” Their pathetic attempt at cool nonchalance came out sounding a whole lot like desperate pleading. Kris felt the SOUL straightening their body, turning to look at the recently-arrived doe. Their mouth fell agape at her sight, the action uncontested by both of their body’s inhabitants. Now that they were somewhat calmed down, Kris noticed that Noelle had taken this whole “looking nice” thing to a whole other level.
She looked drop-dead gorgeous.
The girl wore a mostly plain black shirt, criss-crossed by unintelligible white lines of what Kris assumed was some obscure punk band Dess had showed her, all framed by a navy blue jacket decorated with pretty white snowflakes. She bore her usual skirt, now wrapped tightly in a similarly-colored leather belt, one that was embellished with a singular bronze flower pin.
Bold choice of wear for our dear friend, but oddly fitting all the same.
…
Kris?
“I can’t do this.” Kris slid down the grimy restroom walls, their head held tightly between their hands and suddenly Noelle was there for them, like she always was, even when they weren’t there for her.
She wordlessly followed her friend, lowering herself onto the grimy tiles, heedless of her own clothing or the unsanitary surroundings. She stood there, a little ways away, but yet so, so far, respecting their distance, their personal space. Kris never was one for hugs, even from people they really cared about. But things were changing, they were changing, and the distance between two only served to remind them of what they longed for. What they thought they could never deserve.
“I thought I could do it, but I-I can’t. M’sorry.” Their voice was a pathetic whine, a choked out little thing.
Noelle only hummed at that, slowly nearing herself to them, until their shoulders were only mere moments apart. One errant brush, one sudden movement away from touching.
“I was worried about you, y’know? You ran away all pale and terrified-looking.” She interjected, voice as neutral as she could possibly make it. “Glad you’re not sick or anything, though!” The girl smiled brightly at them, despite her clear nerves and worry at her childhood friend’s fraught state.
Kris did not respond, how could they? This was meant to be their big break, sure, but it was also meant to be a normal, nice event, just something casual and fun to distract them from the absolute messes that were their real lives.
Look where that got them.
“I noticed it wasn’t really you in the driver’s seat when you freaked out back there. But it’s okay Kris, the SOUL helped you, right?”
Helping was an understatement, the damn thing was their lifeline throughout the past month, a shining beacon of hope amongst the dark waters that often permeated Kris Dreemurr’s mind.
“It’s been helping me ever since we-” Since it first arrived, even though Kris, the ungrateful little wretch, didn’t see it at the time.
Stop it. We’ve been through this already, you were hurt and hurt others in turn, that does not make you a wretch or a devil, it only makes you a person.
A person.
When did you start being yourself?
“Ever since we won, you’re the one that’s been the one keeping me afloat.” Kris turned to Noelle, tears prickling at their eyes, smile strained and wistful. “You and Noelle have that in common, I guess.”
“I help because, frankly, you deserve it, and because we all fall apart sometimes, Dreemurr. What matters is having others you can rely upon to pick up the pieces.”
Noelle’s eyes only momentarily widened at the sudden change in voice and demeanor, before her brows furrowed, looking at something beyond Kris.
Ah.
The SOUL had commandeered one of their arms, reaching it out towards Noelle with slow, deliberate movements. The message was clear: “you can stop me at any time”. They did nothing of the sort, of course, but the sentiment made Kris’ heart twist unto itself again. It was trust, pure and simple, a sign that Kris trusted it to do no harm to any of their friends, and in turn, it trusted Kris to reel it in, just in case it ever overstepped. They both trusted each other enough to not hurt each other.
Noelle reached out too, harsh chitin brushing over their fingers, tracing the outline of each digit before fully clasping her hand in theirs. There was thunder then. Roiling inside of their gut and threatening to spill forth, to overtake and consume their whole entire being within its maelstrom.
“See? It’s okay Kris, it’s okay.” She was trying to be strong, she was trying so, so hard. Kris could see it, the strain in her smile, the way she blinked the tears away when she thought they weren't looking. Kris wished she didn’t need to be strong, that she got to be a kid for just a little while longer. They and Susie could be strong for all of them.
She scooted closer, shoulder touching shoulder, sending figurative sparks flying through their system. She looked at them, into them, beyond them, even. Piercing red entwined in soft blue. “Thank you for helping them. I mean it.”
Kris felt joy rise within them, mixing and tumbling with their love and fear and care and everything they felt for Noelle and Rals and Susie and the SOUL and everyone that ever cared about them. They tried, they really tried to maintain some semblance of dignity but it was too much and suddenly they were a sobbing mess in Elly’s shoulders, heaving and staining her pretty jacket with their ugly tears.
They expected her to push away or yell or hit them, but of course she didn’t. She just sat there, offering a friendly shoulder to cry on, gentle hands cradling their head as years and years of hurt and sadness came to a head.
“Kris, you don’t need to tell me what’s wrong, you don’t need to tell any of us but we-” Noelle’s voice was strained, wet. Kris could feel the teardrops landing on their hair, even as she spoke. “We’re worried about you, Kris, we love you and we’re worried.”
“Keep worrying you. M’sorry, Elly.” Kris was well aware they weren’t the most coherent person at the moment, but they still felt terrible. Terrible for worrying Noelle and everyone so much.
“Can I tell you a story, Kris? It’s a pretty sad one.” Her words only got a weak nod out of them, one she thankfully took as permission enough.
“When I was little and Dess was gone I-” The name didn’t carry the same weight it used to, no. She was here, she was alive, but it was hard. Hard to think and feel that at one time she wasn’t, that December used to be gone. “I was so alone. Dad tried his best, mom wasn’t herself anymore and you…”
Kris felt themself shake, compounded by the doe’s own shoulders heaving as she recounted her story.
“I needed you Kris. I needed my best friend. I needed you and then you were gone, nothing more than a ghost lurking in the shadows, skulking around the edge of my dreams. Forever haunting the good times we still shared inside my little grieving mind.”
“But then, then you were there again, all straight-edge and robotic and confident and I knew that meant I was supposed to be happy. I knew. But, I-I mean, we, we were talking again, Kris! You protected me when I was scared and listened to me ramble on and on and then you told me we were something else.”
“Something else.”
Kris remembered that day in Cyber City. It was some stupid, misguided attempt at influencing the SOUL, at caging it further, molding it into the perfect tool for Carol’s purposes. Of course it didn’t work.
“It wasn’t really you, not at the time, but those words haunted me, Kris. Because, because it was true, wasn’t it? Even back then we weren’t just friends, we were something more. A-and I know things have changed between us but you’re back, Kris! Kris is back…”
“I missed you so much.”
Even as her tears strode forth, matting her fur and likely ruining her clothes, she smiled at them. Even as their hands were intertwined, she took their other one, cupping their chin and lifting it up so they were eye-to-eye. She smiled. Right then and there, Kris was once again reminded of why they fell in love with her.
It was her stupid bucktooth smile, shining in the cold.
Her long blonde hair, that Kris always loved to braid when they were younger.
Her adorable dorky interests like horror movies and videogames and such that Kris always pretended they hated, but would always let her gush about for hours on end.
How she cared so much for others, even when they didn’t deserve it, even when they never cared back.
Even her gaudy Christmas themed clothing and apparel, ones that Kris loathed but couldn’t ever bring themselves to admit they found it endlessly charming on her.
Kris Dreemurr loved Noelle Holiday, perhaps they always had.
They loved all of her.
“So please, please promise me, Kris. Promise me that you won’t leave again, because I need you, Kris. I need you, a-and Susie needs you and Ralsei also-”
They couldn’t think, so they didn’t. Instead, they let go, they did something stupid, impulsive. For once in what felt like forever, Kris Dreemurr allowed themself to want, allowed themself to feel. The movement was quick, fast enough that they wouldn’t lose the nerve, yet slow enough that Noelle could refuse it if she ever wanted to. She never did.
It was heaven, if Kris ever believed in one. The kiss was quite the chaste occasion, nothing but lips against lips, breath against breath, but it meant the entire world to them. The contact set off a fire within their being, a storm of coiling flame and brilliant light. It was almost too much. They felt too much. There was their love, their desire, and their other half’s surprise-pride-astonishment-happiness and Elly was gripping them tighter and tighter, and they parted, breathless and wide-eyed, staring at one another as the enormity of the situation finally caught up.
“Kr-Kris?” There was no hatred, no disgust in her eyes. Confusion maybe, but there was contentment too, a smile threatening to tug at her lips as she panted.
“The SOUL sometimes says a single gesture speaks more than a thousand words.”
Kris felt a protest rise within their core, but they pushed it down. This was important, it needed to be said.
“This, this is what I wanted to talk to you about, all of you.” Kris saw realization color her face, eyes darting around frantically. Shit. They needed to get everything out before they just dropped dead on the spot.
“And I understand if you hate me for it and never want to see me again but I needed to say this Noelle, I couldn’t- I couldn’t live knowing I never took the plunge.” Her gaze was focused again, pain and love and everything marring her soul. Kris could scarcely look her in the eyes anymore. “It would ruin me, Noelle, it’d ruin me and I’d be gone and I don’t want to be gone ever again. Never. I don’t want to hurt you ever again.”
“I love you, more than you can imagine. Maybe I loved you since we were just dumb little kids playing dress up, but I love you, Noelle, and I need to know, I-I n-need to kn-”
The next one was unexpected, but certainly but not unwelcome. Their embrace was bolder, even if by the tiniest bit, and that spark, that glimmer of excitement was nearly enough to make them faint. Noelle held their face close, running her hooves around their cheek, and Kris in turn tugged at her jacket, feeling the soft, silky texture curling around their fingers.
Kris opened their eyes to a giggling mess of a Noelle, eyes half-lidded and a dumb, giddy smile on her face. They wisely assumed they weren’t faring much better.
“Oh my gosh, I love you, Kris! I love you so, so much…”
I love you.
Surely those words were mundane? Mom and Dad said it to them all the time, and so did uncle Rudy. It wasn’t supposed to mean this much, was it? Kris decided right then and there they didn’t particularly care.
Those words meant the world to them.
She took her time, regaining her bearings, and Kris noticed the exact moment the adrenaline subsided, the rush and excitement giving way to that determined, focused look Noelle always had when solving a puzzle or crushing Berdly in SSS.
“We need to tell them the truth, I-I don’t know if they’ll be okay with this, but we need to, okay Kris?”
“I know, Elly, we’ll tell them…”
“Oh gosh, we kissed, Kris, for real. What if S-Susie doesn’t…what if she hates me for it, Kris? I should’ve asked first, I-oh no. And! What if Ralsei doesn’t want to…I mean, I’m not sure he likes me like that, and and…”
Kris…didn’t really think about that when they kissed Noelle. Fuck. Even if Susie was okay with the whole, uh, group relationship thingy, they had done it behind her back, when her and Noelle were dating, no less. Shit. And Ralsei was super into them, and sure, maybe he liked Susie as well, but he and Noelle were just friends. Really good friends to be sure, but friends all the same.
I must admit the situation is less than ideal, but I have confidence you’ll make it work. Susie values honesty more than anything, and so does the prince. Aim to be truthful yet tactful with your words.
Okay, Kris had just been through the most horrifying moment of their life, so all they needed to do was to do that again. Twice.
Perhaps gifting each one of them a kiss will help ease your worries.
Oh my Angel. Fuck you. They were blushing so hard right now, they knew it. Kris’ face actually felt hot, and it didn’t go unnoticed, no. Noelle was staring at them, amusement clear on her face even as her nose was shining like a Christmas light.
Kris huffed before sending the SOUL a mental image of Roulx Kaard and King doing something vaguely indecent together, much to its internal horror. They picked themself up, lightly dusting their pants and offering Noelle a hand, one she eagerly took.
“It’s fine, Noelle. She loves you, they both love you and they both care about you. We’ll figure this one out, like we always do. As a team.” They gave Noelle’s hand a reassuring squeeze. A gesture she returned in earnest a moment later.
“Okay, Kris, I trust you. I trust you.”
Kris couldn’t help but smile. They felt invincible right now, but they couldn't let Elly think that they were growing soft in their old age. Time to expertly ruin the moment.
“Our first kiss was in QC’s dirty bathroom, how freaking cool is that?”
That got a giggle out of her, and oh god they were staring again, weren’t they? Kris averted their gaze, suddenly finding the little ants trudging through the tiled floor really interesting.
“Oh shush, you!” Both teens startled slightly as Noelle’s phone buzzed in her jacket pocket. She picked it up, furrowing her brow at whatever it was she saw. “We should be going soon, I don’t want to worry the others too much.”
Right, time to face the music, as it once said.
.
“Oh, Kris, Noelle, welcome back!” Ralsei was as chipper as always, all happiness and politeness masking his worry. He was getting better about that sort of thing, but it was still a process. Kris desperately tried to not take note of his outfit, a rather oversized green sunhat, accompanied by a similarly-colored dress, one with short sleeves and equally as short hem, framed by a large black heart right in the middle of his chest. It looked great on him, the whole outfit really accentuated his fur and pretty eyes and legs- By god, child, have some damned focus. - really brought out the best in the guy.
Kris seated themself beside the prince, noticing how his eyes darted over their own every-so-often. “Susie was getting quite worried on your behalf!”
The dragon sputtered on her seat, grasping for any plausible excuse. Kris noticed she wasn’t wearing anything super new, just cleaner and nicer versions of her old outfit. Classic Susie. Kris only protested a little when the SOUL forcibly wrenched their gaze from her form. “Wha-no, I wasn’t, cuz that would be like, stupid. But, uh, you guys okay? You look, um…”. Her eyes narrowed at both Kris and Noelle, apparently noticing the obvious.
“Oh dear.” Kris never really took a look in the mirror after their crying/kissing session in the bathroom (what a fucking sentence), therefore they weren’t super sure on what they looked like. But if Noelle was any comparison, with her messy hair, stained clothes and tear-matted fur, then…
Yikes.
“We’re fine, we talked about feelings and stuff. Better now. Promise.” Kris felt the need to placate their friends, they were the one who worried the fellas, after all.
Ralsei relaxed slightly, sinking further into his seat and animatedly kicking his legs under the table. “That truly is wonderful to hear. Oh, and QC assured us our meal would be arriving soon. I can hardly wait!” He did that adorable thing where he clasped his hands in front of his face when excited about something. So freaking cute.
This is getting outrageous.
Susie seemingly huffed at the prince’s enthusiasm, voice filled with that faux-snark she mostly wore nowadays. “Dude, I know it’s pretty good food, but it’s just normal diner stuff.”
Ralsei for his part seemed to grow a bit serious, crossing his arms and glaring half-heartedly at the dragon. “Well, it’s the first light world food I ever had, Susie, so it means a lot to me. And it’s extra special since all my bestest friends are here!” His composure cracked when uttering those final words, and he was all smiles and cheers again.
Susie only shook her head. “Heh, okay Ralsei.” Kris understood the sentiment, no one could make them melt like Ralsei. The guy was everyone’s weakpoint. The girl looked down, a bit sheepish. “I’m glad everyone’s here too.” She blushed then, faint pink dusting her purple scales. Kris could have sworn they heard the SOUL honest-to-Angel squealing within their mindscape. Weirdo.
Before any more awkward conversations could be held, their food mercifully arrived, Kris got the smoothie and pancakes, Noelle a Veggie soup, Susie a comically large stack of pancakes she was already halfway through inhaling, and Ralsei got two slices of chocolate/strawberry cake. The usual stuff, but good nonetheless, at least it gave them more time to plan their move, pick their words carefully.
“I think you should talk before you lose the nerve, Kris.” Noelle’s interjections weren’t unkind, but they were the last thing Kris needed right now. Fine, it was bound to happen eventually, better get this whole thing done with.
Noelle’s words captured everyone’s attention, and once more they were all staring at them, hesitant yet expectant, even Susie had halted her furious assault upon those innocent pancakes. Now or nothing.
I believe in you, Kris. You always manage to do the right thing in the end.
They could do this.
“Right.” Deep breaths, Dreemurr.
Kris made an exaggerated display of dropping their fork back on the plate, feeling the tension mounting in the booth. They let out a very forced sigh, steeling themself in the SOUL’s presence and their friend’s love.
“I kissed Noelle in the restroom.”
Sometimes, Kris Dreemurr is not good with words.
What the fuck, Dreemurr.
It was pandemonium, the SOUL was sending out what they could only describe as tiny bursts of concentrated panic, Susie had just begun choking on her own saliva and leftover pancakes, Noelle was almost glowing with embarrassment and bewilderment and maybe anger, and and Ralsei, poor Ralsei, the guy just looked confused.
“You did- shit-” Susie tried to speak through her mouthful of half-swallowed pancakes, resulting in a noise that was, as Kris aptly described, something akin to a firetruck’s final dying breaths. The horrific noise thankfully stunned Noelle out of her shock, allowing her to perform an awkward and half-assed heimlich on her girlfriend. At least it worked. “Thanks” That was the only normal-volume word she uttered before remembering the gravity of the situation. “You did WHAT???” Oh no. Susie was fuming, she looked angry and hurt and unsure and Kris wanted to curl up into a ball and cry.
“Kris, I-, what is going on?” Poor Ralsei seemed…bitter? Maybe he was angry that Kris betrayed his best friend’s trust like that. They wouldn’t blame him if he was. He looked at them, determination burning behind his eyes. “Why?” No vitriol, no nothing. Just…weariness. It made Kris’ stomach churn.
Why did they do it?
Because you are young, stupid and hormonal, Dreemurr. Christ almighty.
“At a basic level, the SOUL tells me I did it because I’m a stupid teenager.” Maybe the wrong choice of words, since Ralsei was growing more and more irritable and Susie, oh man she was trying to drill a hole into their head using nothing but eyesight and spite, her hands clenched firmly on top of the table. “On a deeper level, I did it because I’ve wanted to for a while, and not just with her.” The words seemed to still the room. Kris took one of Ralsei’s paws, admiring the softness of the well-kempt fur, the manicured pink claws and the soft pads, reminding them of a familiar kind of care, of love.
“Kris?” The prince was stunned, rapidly turning darker and darker shades of red as Kris continued to caress his paw. They lifted it up towards their face, slowly, eyes trained on Ralsei, scanning for any discomfort, any refusal.
When none came, they planted a single kiss upon the back of his paw. It was something almost regal, like a gesture of admiration. Nothing compared to what they had just shared with Noelle, but so incredibly meaningful all the same. The sensation made Kris’ stomach flutter and so did the sight of Ralsei turning a deep shade of crimson, even in spite of all his fur.
“I love you, Ralsei.” The words broke the poor guy, it seemed. He was staring, not at them, no, but at nothing in particular. Kris gently lowered his paw before turning to Susie, eyes wide and wild, bewildered. Noelle was beside her, giving them the most reassuring look she could muster.
They repeated the motion with Susie, and though the girl did not pull away, Kris could tell her grip was tense, her eyes searching. Scanning him for lies, for betrayal. It wouldn’t be the first time it happened to her, Kris grimly mused. But if they had any say in it, it was going to be the last.
Kris felt the cool, rough scales. Even as they pressed their lips to her skin, it did not hurt, and neither did the fireworks setting off inside them.
“And I love you too, Susie.” She pulled away quickly at their words, staring at the spot Kris had kissed, scrutinizing, analyzing. As if it were just a dream. She did not blush, expression changing by the second: Hatred-sadness-warmth-doubt-loathing, endlessly repeating and iterating upon itself.
With nothing to do, and silence reigning, they continued. “It’s like I said with Noelle, this is what I wanted to tell you all, but I guess, I just. I was too much of a fucking coward, so I hid in the restroom and Elly found me, and I spilled the beans.”
Kris smiled wistfully at the thought. “I wanted it to be special, y’know, It’s why I chose the diner.”
None spoke, none dared to break the spell. The silence of this revelation was like glass, and speaking unto it would lead to cracks, breaks. And maybe if it broke, it would shatter their hearts along with it.
“You should have told me. Told us” Susie did not sound angry, or hurt, or anything. She just seemed so tired.
“I know. I fucked up. Again. And if you or Ralsei or Noelle ever tell me to leave and never come back, I’d do it. It would kill me, but I’d do it. I-I love you too much to ever want to hurt you. I’m sorry.” And they would make up for all the pain they had already caused a thousandfold.
The larger girl slammed her fists upon the table, startling all present. Her shoulders were shaking, eyes closed and breathing heavy. Her voice was strained, weak for the normally powerful Susie.
“Fucking hell dude, look, I’ve been crushing super hard on you for a while too, ok? Fuck.” Kris let out a breath they didn’t know they were holding, an action mimicked by both Ralsei and Noelle.
“S-susie?” The dragon’s girlfriend was…bewildered would be the correct word yes, flabbergasted even.
“What? Kris was only the third person to show me some basic fucking decency in what, seven years? Angel forbid a girl get a little attached…” Despite the sadness in her tone and the gravity of her words, levity was returning to the table, Kris could tell that much. The silence no longer felt heavy, crushing, like it would smother them at any second.
“Susie, I’m not mad at you…but you could have told me. You know I’d never be mad at you for something like that, and, I-I guess I’ve been feeling these feelings for a while too, and we-” She pauses, grasping her girlfriend’s arm with both of her own, Noelle stares up at Susie’s snout, eyes watery yet laden with warmth “We could’ve had something even more special, if any of us said anything.”
“Yeah.” Susie blinks, because she finds Elly’s words true. Maybe if she wasn’t so afraid, then she could’ve taken Noelle and Kris to the festival, as dates. As more than friends. Then she would’ve allowed herself to love them more. Like she always wanted to. “Wow, we kinda suck ass at this whole ‘feelings’ thing, eh, jingles?” And Noelle laughs because it’s true, because if they all sat and talked then there would’ve been no rusty birdcages, no roaring, no heartbreak, no betrayal. Nothing.
There is no changing the past, but know that your hardships and mistakes have led to this future.
I like this future. But it still hurts.
I know, Kris, but it gets easier. It’s easier when you share the pain.
It does get easier. Kris is always being pulled out of the depths by them, by Noelle’s giddy dumb smile, Susie’s shenanigans and Ralsei’s warmth. And the SOUL, their anchor.
“Awww, Susie, don’t say that! The fact you’re talking about it at this moment means you’re getting better too!” The prince is talking again, he hates seeing people putting themselves down, Susie most of all. He needed to learn to put himself up too, but he was getting there.
“Sure.” And she was a bashful mess again, is it even like, scientifically possible to love someone this damn much?
“And what about you fluffy boy, anything you wanna add to the conversation?” Ah shit, she really got him now. Poor toothpaste boy.
“Ummmm, I assure you I h-have no idea w-what you’re talking about Susie.” Ralsei tries squirming his way out the impending life altering revelation, and oh no, not if Kris has any say in the matter.
You lot will be the death of me.
They’ll be the death of them too. Kris thinks they’d like that.
“Ralsei.” He once again takes the boy’s paws into their hands, squeezing them tight enough to ground him, but not too tight so as to bruise.
“It’s ok, I’ve seen how you stare at me when you think I’m not looking. I’ve heard you prattle on and on about Susie and her rippling physique and Kris and their brave heart. And I-”
“It’s okay, Ralsei, to feel that way. To feel this towards others, towards us. It’s okay to want and desire, because you are a person, Ralsei. People are selfish sometimes, and that’s okay.”
He looks unsure and Kris knows his heart must be splitting apart, torn between duty and desire and what he’s meant to be with what he wants to be. Kris can empathize, and so they guide Ralsei, they steady him when he teeters on the edge. As many times as he needs.
“Kris, I-” Tears are forming, the beginnings of an ugly sob. Kris looks on patiently, he will find his words.
He never needs to, because Susie, oh Susie, she always had words for all of them, always knowing what to say, if not the how. “Remember when I crashed in Castle Town? That day before the Flower World?” How could anyone forget, that day, when everything changed, more than one could ever imagine. “I wasn’t in a good place, Rals, not at all. The prophecy was eating away at me, and I had just run out from Kris’ house after seeing their mom drunk off her ass, and.”
“Well, the less said about dad the better.” She shudders at the thought and Kris once again wants to kill Sebastian for what he’s done, they know they could do it too, it wouldn't even be hard. The SOUL roils with anger and Kris knows that this time, it wouldn’t even stop them.
“You were so tired that day, so hurt and bloody and sad. And you still offered me a bed, Rals. You offered me a warm place to stay, even if just for one night, and you huddled into me when you saw I was shaking and, and you pretended to believe me when I lied about being cold.” She reaches for Ralsei from across the table, and Kris gently guides one of his paws onto her own awaiting talons. The touch jolts him and suddenly he is crying in silence and holding tightly onto Kris and Susie with all of his strength, and at this moment Kris never wants to let go, they want to forever hold onto Ralsei, the most precious thing in their entire world.
“I love you Ralsei, and I love Kris and Noelle and that stupid nerd in Kris’ chest too.” He smiles at her words then, cheeks puffy and matted and eyes red but gaze warm, so incredibly warm. He doesn’t let go of either of them. None of them do.
The reverie is broken, Noelle gasps and Kris looks at her, confusion and worry marring their face. Huh.
“Kris, are you okay?” It was a rough day to be sure, a good one, but draining all the same. Kris thinks they feel fine, all things considered, and merely nods. It does nothing to dispel her worry.
“What?” And then it hits them.
With a free hand they manage to wipe at their face, the sleeves of Azzy’s old jacket coming out wet and darkened. They had been crying.
No, not them. It.
This is unbecoming of me, I am sorry.
“Something wrong, Kris?” Susie looks at them, and they point to their heart, the core of their being. Kris signals to wait and closes their eyes. Susie will understand, she was the first one to find out.
Talk to them.
Something is dispelled, a mask of invincibility slips over a vulnerable mantle of emotion, the action endlessly disorienting to Kris. When it speaks again it is strained yet regal and measured all the same.
This is your moment, Kris, I-I do not wish to intrude.
This was only possible because of you, dummy. You’re always giving up so much of yourself, so much of everything, and you never allow yourself to reap the rewards. They love you, I love you, they’ll understand. Go on, be another crybaby amongst the crying circle.
Their focus snaps to the present, senses dulling and numbness creeping in. They trust it and it trusts them. Trust enough to not hurt one another.
“I understand and acknowledge that the love I harbor for you, and by consequence, the one you return to me, is different from the one you share amongst one another. But it is love all the same. And I-” Its voice is raw, unfiltered, unlike Kris’ yet still unlike what it usually puts on. A brave face. All in attendance are listening, faces so kind and understanding. It moves Kris’ body to huddle closer to Ralsei, never letting go of his or Susie’s hands all the while. Noelle reaches out to squeeze their arm, and it settles, pure emotion washing upon the shores of Kris’ unfiltered psyche. Kris begins to think they are both crying now.
“I want you to know it means more than the world to me. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives, for giving me the privilege of seeing you grow and prosper.” It smiles at them, the action no longer forced and robotic as it once was, but warm. Human. Real.
“You’ll make such great young men, women and enbies when you are older. Thank you for being alive.”
Susie begins with the waterworks, then Noelle and Ralsei and Kris once again when they are in the driver’s seat. And if they weren’t such a mess right now, Kris would think it hilarious that everyone’s been crying so damn much.
“Damn, SOUL, those pretty words got hands, huh. Fuck.” She is furiously wiping at her eyes, gingerly taking a handkerchief offered by Ralsei.
“Gosh, I’m glad there’s no one here to see us, faha.” Small mercies, Kris supposes. QC likely heard and saw everything, but she’s one of the nice grown ups. The worst Kris will deal with is the endless teasing whenever they come back here. She won’t tell a soul.
Silence reigns again. Not stifling and worrisome, no, but something soft. Birds chirping, sunlight streaking across the windows, soft whispers and demure laughs on a summer afternoon. Peace. Heaven.
“Pardon me friends, but, how is this going to work?” To Kris’ surprise, Ralsei is the one that addresses the elephant in the room.
“I still have my duties in the Dark World, and it will likely remain so for the next, well…” Right, out of the four, he’s the busiest one, and the one they were likely to see the least. Kris doesn’t like it, even if they understand. That selfish part of them wants him, wants all of them together, forever and always.
“And despite greatly enjoying your company Noelle, I am not sure I feel, uh, the same way towards you. Sorry.” Shit. They hadn’t even thought of that.
“It’s okay, Ralsei. I’m not sure I feel the same way either, but we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Maybe we’ll grow to like one another in that way in the future, maybe not. But we can still date the same people. It 's fine.”
“As for the Dark World stuff, we just visit whenever we can, right? Doesn’t even have to be all of us. ‘Course, that would be like, way more rad, but, y’know, life happens and stuff.” Susie injects the most humor she can into her words, but it is abundantly clear she is bummed as well.
“It 's okay. We’ll make it work. As a team.” And they will, for the life of them, Kris will. They get many nods and short words of assurance in return. The message is clear: They are in this together. Always.
But their heart is clear, light, lighter than it’s ever been since they were a baby and the nice Dreemurr family took them in. “Wow.”
“I’m dating four people at the same time. Azzy will be so freaking jealous when I tell him. He’s only got one like, one doe and zero dragons.” They laugh, of course they all laugh because they know it’s not true. Azzy and Dess would be so proud of them, of all of them. They’ll both be coming over by winter, and Kris can’t wait to tell them. It is here that they make all present swear secrecy upon this day. They want to surprise Azzy, they say. Kris is sure no one believes them.
“Kris! You meanie, faha.” Noelle is on her high again, she leans over and kisses Susie, the girl burning crimson before returning the kiss.
“Dating. I’m dating someone. Someones?” Ralsei looks incredulous, yet so incredibly happy.
“Yeah, Rals, and I’ll never let you forget it.” Susie playfully jabs an oversized finger at the prince and he giggles again, a low and soft noise. Kris thinks they’ll never get tired of it, they certainly hope they don’t. Ralsei turns to look over, peering at all of them in turn, no tears of joy left to spill, only contentment marring his face. Pink meets red again, and that look says more than a million words could ever.
“I love you guys.”
“Love you too, nerds, plural.”
“Gosh, it feels weird to say, but I-I love you all too!”
An alignment, Ralsei said. Two hearts beating in unison, emotion and feel rolling upon one another, cascading and blooming into something more. Greater than the sum of its parts. Overwhelming.
“Love you all.” “I love all of you.”
Kris knows they have never been happier in their entire life.