Chapter Text
Their evening had started out innocently enough. Haruka had taken the first shower, liberally covered as he was head to toe in a disgusting mixture of dirt and sweat. Suo's soft laugh had followed him in and even with as quietly as he normally was, Haruka could hear him humming as he moved throughout their apartment. The kettle was buzzing away on its base, steadily warming the water for the cups Suo had prepped. It was an easy and familiar rhythm for them at this point.
Except there had been a change. Small, barely noticeable if it had been anyone else. Suo exited the bathroom after his turn with a cloud of steam and in, of all things, a short sleeved shirt. He didn't notice or realize that Haruka could see what was usually hidden beneath his long sleeves, what Haruka hadn't known existed until that moment. The shirt's sleeves had ridden up just enough while he dried his hair for Haruka to see them.
Several neatly and deliberately placed lines on the pale skin of Suo's biceps. Some were white with age, nearly blended into the skin, but others were the bright pinks of newly healed scars. All layered over and over each other like they were competing for the space. Haruka could hear or see nothing but those thin lines.
It's Suo, of course it is, that breaks through the worry and rage filling Haruka's ears like cotton.
“The waters done, Saku-” He doesn't finish.
Haruka watches, to the kettle screaming in the background, as Suo registers Haruka's gaze. As it clicks, what it is that has stalled Haruka so thoroughly and why Haruka is staring at Suo like he both is and is not there. He watches as something bright and fearful flickers in Suo’s eye. He does not notice he has moved or has grabbed Suo by the arms, hands over the fabric that's hiding scars on Suo's skin.
“Why do you have these!” Haruka is yelling. “You can't-! You won't-!” The fear of losing Suo again is choking him and his inability to articulate that fear makes him squeeze and shake Suo a little. The door to the other room rattles.
It's the panicked apologies spilling from Suo's mouth that jolt him into full awareness of where he is and what's going on. To what he has done. Suo's breathing is ragged between the words, his gaze is teary and a little distant - like he's fighting to stay in the moment. Suo is fully capable of breaking Haruka's hold, they both know that, but it’s the way he doesn't and is so tremblingly still that does the trick. That makes Haruka let him go like the contact burns and steps back with a question taking shape in his mouth. Big mistake.
Suo bolts. Shoves past Haruka and out the front door with a bang. There had been tears in his eye and panic on his face. It takes far too long in Haruka's opinion - all of maybe thirty seconds - for him to right himself and realize he needs to go after Suo before he's out the door as well. Suo is fast, but Haruka has always been faster.
They're barely halfway down the street by their rundown complex before Haruka is tackling Suo into the dirt just to stop him. There's a bit of a tussle between them with Haruka easily pushing through the handful of blows that are slow and ineffective before pinning Suo still. It has the unintended effect of causing the brunette to burst fully into what Haruka now knows was a heartwrenching, sobbing, panic attack. Which Haruka knows Suo would hate if anyone saw him like this, knows down to his bones.
They're both barefoot and Suo is in no shape to be anything close to helpful so that Haruka can carry him. As much as he hates it, they're both going to have to walk back. The effect of being so close to Suo while pining him to the street is that Haruka can feel how the other boy is struggling to take a full breath and can feel how each sob makes his whole body shake. It's honestly a bit of a wonder to Haruka, to see Suo like this. The awe is broken when Suo makes a little gasping whine and Haruka is pulling on his arms to get him to sit up.
Suo follows where Haruka tugs him. Sits up, no longer sobbing but still crying, when Haruka pulls on him to. He stands, unsteady and wobbling, when Haruka stands and urges him to do the same. However, he's silent other than his sniffling and unsteady breathing the entire time. Haruka could feel the roughness of torn skin under his fingers when he’d pulled on Suo's arms, could feel it against his palm where he'd laced their hands together. He'd caused that. Everything from Suo's silent tears to the scrapes on his arms were Haruka’s fault.
Nirei would know what to do.
He would know but Haruka didn't think he should tell Nirei about the scars. There were too many questions that Nirei would have and Haruka didn't have any of the answers. Suo didn't handle Haruka reacting to them badly very well either. He didn't think Suo could handle Nirei or his (slightly invasive and somewhat overbearing) questions very well in this state either. Suo walked behind Haruka, led by the hand, like a scolded toddler. He was limping slightly.
Back inside, Haruka decided that going into the main room would be a better idea than staying in the kitchen. More obstacles in case Suo decided to bolt again. Which he did, the moment Haruka's phone connected and Nirei's voice came out the speakers. Sometimes… sometimes it pays off to learn your best friends as well as they know you. Suo makes it all of a step and a half before Haruka has him, wrapped around his legs like a very determined monkey and frustratedly shouting at Nirei to ‘just hold on a second, dammit’.
Suo flinches when Haruka shouts, a curious reaction considering Haruka shouts a lot and does most of it at Suo usually. It's a bit of work for Haruka to get Suo back to sitting and to calm Nirei down from marching over to check on them himself. Something that Haruka immediately noticed that Suo reacted poorly too. He observed, distractedly arguing with Nirei, as Suo curled in on himself. Haruka had gone quiet as he watched Suo press his hands to his ears and his face into his knees. There was a smear of blood drying on his cheek from his hand that Haruka could see.
“Sakura-san,” Nirei's voice is tinny and irritated. He's probably annoyed that Haruka's been ignoring him and also because his attempts to come over had been denied, vehemently. “What is going on? Is Suo-san alright?”
And how to answer that? Yes, Suo is fine but he is also not fine. It's all Haruka's fault but it’s also Suo's fault… but it's also no one's fault? Yeah that's gonna go over real well with Akihiko “being in everyone's business is my hobby” Nirei. Get it together, Haruka.
“Hold on, Nirei,” Haruka says in lieu of answering. He crouches down by Suo, close enough he can speak softly and know he will be heard. “Suo,” he whispers and gets no reaction. “I'm going to grab the med kit. Please don't run away again.”
The only thing he hears from Suo is the uneven exhales and shaky inhales that match the movement of his back. Too quick for his liking but Haruka didn't know how to help that anyways.
It's in front of the door that divides the rooms that he finally answers Nirei.
“Sorry Nirei,” he mumbles. Haruka takes a deep breath and stares at a black mark on the floor, trying to steady himself. “I fucked up and now Suo won't even look at me.”
The breath that Haruka draws in is as shaky as Suo's has been and he knows Nirei heard it. He realizes, suddenly, that he's been ignoring the still screaming kettle. It takes the entirety of the minute of silence Nirei gives him to remove it from the heat and turn off the burner.
“Tell me what happened,” Nirei asks calmly.
It's the calmest he's ever heard Nirei be. Between the usual franticness of his anxious personality and the manifestation of his dogged determination (in the form of that terrible, wonderful little black book), Haruka doesn't think he'd have felt so relieved by Nirei's calm. In any other situation, Haruka doesn't think he would have. As it stands, he does and it's all the easier to walk Nirei through most of the events of the evening. He doesn't tell Nirei about the scars.
The sound of a pencil eraser being beaten on a tabletop reverberates through Haruka's phone speaker and off the walls of his skull. Nirei's voice cuts the noise off, “That sounds like a panic attack.”
Haruka makes a confused noise at the med kit in front of him. He stares at the door between himself and Suo in the other room as he listens to Nirei explain what a panic attack is (he knows) and what can cause them (that was new).
“Nirei,” he interrupts the beginnings of a rant about medical malpractice. How did they even get there? “This is all great, but how do I help him calm down from them? He won't look at me. He doesn't respond when I talk to him and I doubt he will react well to being touched. What can I do here?”
Then Nirei tells him the most damning words he's ever uttered.
“Just talk to him and wait.”
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It repeats like a mantra in Haruka's head. He feels like garbage, he is garbage. Haruka’s lack of control of himself made him trigger and hurt his best friend. The boy that Haruka had traveled to another city to understand and help and free… and he hurt him in ways that Haruka both understands and doesn't.
Nirei had said some other things about the whole panic attack and helping with it. Ask and wait seemed to be the common response, especially for someone like Suo. The boy in question had moved from the almost center of the room to the corner by the closet when Haruka reentered. Haruka didn't need Nirei and his near infinite amounts of empathy to know that Suo's panic attack had been because Haruka reacted so aggressively about something very vulnerable. That Suo ran because he thought Haruka was mad at him. That he flinched when Haruka touched him because he was still expecting for Haruka to hurt him.
“Suo,” Haruka tries again in the same soft voice. “Suo, please.”
Nothing except Suo's fingers tightening slightly in his hair and his breath hitching again.
Haruka sits down next to him, close enough to touch if Suo wanted. He tries again.
“Hayato,” he calls. Suo's given name feels foreign in his mouth. Haruka takes a chance. “I'm not mad. I wasn't mad. Just…” The next part feels like giving up for some reason. “Just scared. For you.”
It's at this admission that Suo sits up, back still slightly curved forward and hands still pressed to his ears. There's no noise in the apartment, but Haruka has a feeling that's not what Suo is trying to block out. Suo's breathing goes shallow and ragged again when Haruka reaches for his arms. His head hits the wall with a sharp thud as he tries to pull away. He still isn't looking directly at Haruka, there is nothing in his eye but that same fearful distance.
“I just want to clean and bandage your hands,” Haruka murmurs soothingly.
Suo makes a choked whimper and flinches when Haruka's hand makes gentle contact with his arm. The earlier suspicions feel more accurate the longer this goes on. Suo's skin is cool and clammy underneath his fingers as he pulls carefully. Haruka has never had to move so slowly or touch so gently before. He didn't think he could. He doesn't think he could be like this with anyone other than Suo or Nirei, if he was honest with himself.
The softness is working though. The admittance of his own fears had worked as well. Suo had relaxed a little, enough to let his other arm rest in his lap. Haruka worked on carefully cleaning the large, thankfully shallow scrape up Suo’s left forearm before doing the same to the smaller scrapes on his right elbow and palm. He had just finished smoothing the sticky ends down on the bandage on Suo's palm when the brunette tipped sideways like a puppet whose strings had been cut.
Suo's head thumps heavily against Haruka's shoulder. His skin is still clammy and his breathing is still a bit off, but Haruka doesn't care about that. Suo's fingers are lightly gripping Haruka's shirt and he is so focused on the action that he nearly misses Suo speaking.
Suo's voice is hoarse and it sounds more like he's spent the last 20 minutes gargling aquarium gravel than crying or panicking intermittently. “I'm…sorry…Sakura…-kun,” he says slowly in an exhausted voice, like each word is being drug out of him between breaths.
Haruka just hugs him. Tightly and as all encompassing as he possibly can. Like he can squeeze all the bad memories out of Suo if he tries hard enough.
“Shut up, stupid. Don't apologize. We'll just do better next time.” He mumbles half into Suo's still damp hair and half into the air in front of them. “I'm sorry for hurting you. I didn't know how else to stop you.”
He feels Suo half shrug and feels as much as hears him hum in reply. Haruka’s stomach growls loudly in the silence and Suo snorts.
Haruka squeezes him again, filled with relief that they'll be okay. They have to talk about it all still, but they'll be okay. Suo laughs outright when Haruka squeezes him again. The sound of it half smothered against Haruka's shoulder.
“Wanna get cheap bentos from down the street?” Suo asks with a smile.
Haruka snorts, “And how are you planning to get there?”
“Won't you carry me, Sakura-kun?” Suo says teasingly.
“Absolutely not.”
Yeah, Haruka thinks. They'll be okay.