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Hello, DanAndPhilPODCAST…aliens!
That’s right, and why’s that, Phil?
Today, we’re going to be transported into space together, on a hunt for new forms of life, safe in our podcast spaceship -
No, guys, this isn’t a live-experience episode of the Sims, we’re not reenacting Dil Howlter’s life.
No. No one wants to see that.
Well, I mean some people might - and whoever you are, I’m not judging you - but that’s not what this- no, that’s- we’re not doing that. Conspiracy theories! That’s what we’re doing. Talking about, like, aliens.
Wow, Dan. Great explanation of all of conspiracy theories. Maybe there’ll be one about aliens. But this is like, an entire subgenre of the internet that we’re just gonna dip our little pinky toes into on this episode.
Oh my god, there’s literally so much stuff out there, like you name it, there’s a conspiracy theory about it. Not even just like, the well-known stuff, there’s like...satirical conspiracy theories, theories about people who supposedly died still being alive, people who are supposedly alive actually being dead - I mean, Phil, you’ve seen the Avril Lavigne thing, right?
The what? What on earth is the Avril Lavigne thing, don’t tarnish Avril’s good name by making her the center of some -
No, no, it’s- it’s not a bad thing, it’s just...weird? I guess? Someone compiled a whole thread of evidence to ‘prove’ that Avril actually like...died? A while ago? And was replaced by a doppelganger named Michelle or something. It’s actually really well put together, even if it is a bit far-fetched.
I feel like I should preface this entire episode by telling you guys that for the past like, five days, Dan’s just been sat in a pitch black room, hunched over his laptop, falling down into the depths of the internet while doing research for this.
You say that as if I’m not literally always sat in a pitch black room, hunched over my laptop and falling into the depths of the internet. This is nothing new for Dan, guys.
True. But it’s been worse than normal. I haven’t had anyone to beat at Mario Kart all week, it’s tragic, really, always getting first place by myself...
‘Beat at Mario Kart’ my ass, as if you win any time I play. He won one time, guys, like two months ago, and he won’t let it go.
It’s important to take pride in your accomplishments, Dan.
Phil, you take pride in a single accomplishment for like, five years. It’s Mario Kart, just face the fact that I’ll forever be better than you.
Never, Dan, and this is not a podcast for facts!
Well, you’re right about that at least. This is a podcast for blatant lies and falsified proof rolled up into a neat package that looks convincing as long as you don’t poke it!
Wait, hang on, you can’t seriously go into this with that attitude! You have to at least be a little bit open to the possibility that there’s a grain of truth somewhere.
Phil...none of these are even remotely plausible. The only ‘grain of truth’ is in the fact that like...bits and pieces of these things exist. Aliens probably exist somewhere out there, but do I really think Area 51 is some secret alien-testing facility? Of course not.
Well at least let the listeners come to their own conclusions. Guys, don’t let his cynicism infiltrate your brains too much!
Ugh, fine, fine, for the sake of the podcast, I will pretend to believe. Or at least pretend to believe these are maybe a little, tiny bit plausible.
Thank you. Okay Dan, mister holder-of-all-the-plausible-research, what kinds of conspiracy theories are you going to present us with today?
Well I think the only logical thing to do, given the fact that we’re already talking about it, is to stick with the subject of aliens. Particularly, aliens and the government, because of course that’s what it always boils down to, isn’t it?
Government is good for some things, maybe not so good when it comes to aliens. Or maybe that’s just what you want me to believe!
No, no, Phil, I’m being completely agnostic here, no belief in either direction. Now, there are tons of government conspiracies out there - one particularly hilarious - I mean, particularly...interesting one has to do with all our high-ranking officials actually being lizard-people, but that’s not the one I want to talk about. Partly because I think you’d have too much fun with that one, Scaly Phil.
Oi! You can’t tell me that you don’t sometimes think Parliament would be better if it was run by lizards.
I think a lot of things could be run better by lizards, but that’s a whole other podcast.
Ooh, lizard-cast!
Phil, we’re not getting any lizards, guys he’s literally on his phone googling ‘how to buy lizards’. I said we can’t get a hamster, we are definitely not getting lizards.
But Dan, they’re so cute, think about how he would just sit under his little sun lamp all day, how he would scamper around the flat, he’d probably really like to sit on you because you’re so warm…
Phil, we’re not getting a lizard. Anyway! The particular conspiracy that we’re actually gonna talk about has to do with aliens and the government! Or, I guess it’s really the military. And there are no lizards involved! Actually, that’s not specified, so maybe there are lizards, who knows?
Perhaps we just can’t see them, because they’re...invizards.
Phil...can we make a DanAndPhilPODCAST rule that puns are banned unless I want to make them? Cause otherwise they’re just in poor taste.
Definitely not, no one in our lizard democracy, our lizocracy, would vote to put that rule into effect.
Oh, for god’s sake...let’s just, let’s just get on with it. So you’ve all heard of Area 51, yeah? Purported alien research center in the US desert?
Yeah, I think most people know that one, at least vaguely.
Well if they didn’t, there you go. As it turns out, that is apparently not the only talk of alien-related happenings in US deserts, there’s a town on the Colorado-New Mexico border that supposedly houses an underground joint operation between the military and aliens called ‘Dulce Base’.
Colorado and New Mexico, are those two of the square ones in the middle?
I don’t know, Phil, you’re the one with the USA map shirt, are they?
Probably, everything in America that’s not Florida is in the middle. So it’s called Dulce Base. ‘Dulce’ is like...sweet, right, in...some language?
Probably Spanish, or Portuguese or something. But yes, sweet. Although what’s been implied there is...maybe not so sweet…
Ooooooooh way to intrigue us, Dan! Tell us more!
So according to the cra- sorry, the perfectly normal and sane guy who theorized its existence - cause like, I guess he ‘intercepted alien communications’ in the area or something? Anyway, he claimed it was a place where aliens and the military like...tortured people? No wait, not that, they performed experiments on them. I guess that could include torture...
So the aliens torture the humans? Isn’t it always the other way ‘round in films and stuff?
Maybe this is the alien revenge headquarters, right under the noses of the entire United States population or whatever.
How can that be possible though? Wouldn’t they notice that people keep, like, disappearing into this torture facility?
Hey now, Phil, let’s not poke holes in the very well-constructed conspiracy theory! But yeah, honestly, no idea? Like, cool you heard some stuff beep-booping but like...does that mean there are aliens? And that the aliens are torturing people? I mean, come on.
I love the idea, Dan, that the aliens make beep-booping sounds. They sound harmless, honestly.
That’s how they get you, Phil, they beep-boop and lure you into their underground facility and before you know it, you’re strapped to a table with a suspicious-looking probe pointed in your direction.
Don’t talk about probing. Probing is banned from the podcast.
I mean it kinda goes hand in hand with aliens, I think it’s a valid thing to discuss if we’re talking about alien conspiracy theories.
Disagree. We’ll ask the lizardocracy, let us know in the comments whether probing is a valid podcast topic.
Phil, are you calling our listeners lizards? And asking them to vote on probing? This has gotten way out of hand.
I don’t know, I don’t know what I’m saying! Don’t listen to me, Dan, you’re supposed to be guiding the conversation here. So like, this conspiracy theorist, what is his proof? He’s got to have at least some, if he’s attracted the attention of the internet.
Well this guy’s only real ‘proof’ was the beep-booping he supposedly heard, but a few years later, some other guy came forward and claimed to have been an employee there, so he could apparently just rattle off whatever ‘facts’- sorry, super truthful and accurate pieces of information from his very real and true experience.
Wait, so he worked for the aliens?
I guess he did, or the military? Maybe it was like...he was captured by the aliens and forced to work for them or something. He claimed there were like eighteen thousand of these aliens living in this underground facility so, I mean, if I were captured by eighteen thousand aliens…
Would you want to be individually probed by each one, Dan?
I mean, let’s just say I don’t blame him for not trying to escape.
Ugh, I regret asking.
Aliens and probing, Phil, told you they go hand in hand. But I think that’s enough for that theory, it might be time to move on to something a bit more...controversial.
Oooh. That was quite a dark one to open with Dan, I’m hoping the next one won’t involve any torture plots.
No, this one just involves a lot of people ignoring science. And by ‘ignoring science’ I mean having very different interpretations of facts!
I feel like I know where this one is going, for some reason...
That’s right, Phil, we’re talking about Flat Earth! The theory that, if any of you couldn’t guess by the name, implies that the Earth is actually flat! These are the people who time-traveled straight out of the Middle Ages to impart upon us their wisdom about how the Earth could not possibly be spherical since they can see the ‘edge’.
Oooh, the edge of the Earth. What d’ya reckon it would look like, if there really was an edge?
Uh, I dunno Phil, maybe like...a big waterfall that just goes on into space? Like a proper edge-of-the-world kind of thing? I mean, I guess that’s how the term ‘edge of the world’ arose, but I’m sure there’s some cool artistic renderings out there. Since the real thing doesn’t exist.
If you stepped off the edge, would you just float away into space? I have so many questions.
Maybe we should’ve gotten a flat-Earther on as a special guest so you could ask. I feel like you’d fall down until you left Earth’s gravitational field? Or would you even be able to leave it properly? Would it be the same as trying to launch a rocket, where you need so much power?
See, now this is like, properly interesting. But if we had a guest, you couldn’t be here, you’d scare them away with your cynicism.
Yeah yeah, I’m so cynical and scary. Fine, what else would you ask them, then?
I don’t know, like, what happens to the sky when you’re at the edge, does it just keep going? Where is the sun, is it in like, the middle of the flat part? How strong is the urge to just throw stuff off the edge when you’re standing there? I could go on for ages.
What’s on the other side? Do we all live on one side and the other side is something else? Maybe that’s where the secret alien facility is, and that Dulce Base place is the tunnel that connects our side to the other side where all the ‘aliens’ live.
Wow, everything is connected. I thought it was just a bit of dirt on the other side, but that’s much more interesting.
Here we are, thinking we know everything, when it’s the flat-Earthers and those two guys who discovered Dulce Base who are truly #woke.
Their label as conspiracy theorists is...is in itself a cover-up!
The true conspiracy was the conspiracy theorists all along! Mind blown.
My brain hurts.
Okay, maybe we should move on before Phil becomes the living embodiment of the galaxy brain meme.
Yeah. So Dan, these have been pretty tame so far, I think? You must have fallen way, way into the depths of the internet while you were researching, so tell us something really wild now!
Phil thinks aliens torturing humans and flat Earth are ‘tame’, but yeah sure let’s just blow right past that one! But really, okay, this one- this one’s like, it’s not that I believe it or anything, but like...it’s spooky.
Ooh, celebrating Spooky Week early this year! Are you - we’re sat on some chairs, guys, this could be treacherous.
Oh fuck off, right, so this one- let me preface this, okay, it’s not that spooky on its own, but like. You have to listen to this, we’ll put the link in the description, but it’s this broadcast, okay. Like radio broadcast. And it’s been going since the early 1980s - this one’s pre-Phil, okay. Early eighties, and it’s just this station...that buzzes…
A radio station that only plays static? Are you sure that isn’t a description of one of your nightmares instead?
This is literally a nightmare station okay, put me in the forest in the dark with this playing and I guarantee you I will actually shit myself. Absolute horror. But that’s- like that’s just horrifying on its own, right?
Yeah, but I’m sure there’s more to it.
Well, right, cause this podcast is all about conspiracy theories. So this one, people believe a couple things - first of all, fact, apparently, it’s owned by Russian armed forces. Just another layer of like, major spook. But every now and then, the buzzing will stop and a person will rattle off some numbers in Russian, then it’ll go back to the buzz.
Wait, so this random radio station is intercepting some secret Russian military code, and no one’s done anything about it? What’s the code say, someone must have cracked it by now if it’s been going on for longer than I’ve been alive!
No, no, people think this radio station is the secret Russian military code! Or like. Something like that, like they think it means something. Nobody actually knows what it means, though, like nobody’s figured it out. Most of the theories are about the buzzing, like, when it stops, the world’s gonna end or something.
What! The world is being held together by a bunch of static?
I mean, for all we know about physics, that’s pretty much just as likely as the next random theory.
It’s not random, though, like people must have some reason to believe that there’s meaning in a bunch of static and numbers.
Phil, that’s human nature. People are wired to find patterns in things, even meaningless ones. I bet someone got the radio station and set it up as a prank, broadcasting random numbers and buzzes just to fuck with people. Not everything means something, humans just want it to.
But it could mean something. How can you ever tell the difference?
Well, yeah, of course it could mean something, but it’s been going on with no explanation for longer than you’ve been alive, and you’re ancient. I think someone would’ve figured it out by now if there was an actual meaning to it.
Maybe it’s just not time for us to find out yet. Maybe in the future, there’s a conspiracy theorist who is destined to crack the code and save the world from being destroyed by static.
Now that’s a sci-fi action thriller I’d watch the hell out of.
We should write a screenplay. DanAndPhilFILMS. Actually that doesn’t sound good out loud, it’d have to be PhilAndDanFILMS. Put me in the front for once.
You know the double-D doesn’t sound right either, though. That’s why it’s ‘Dan and Phil’, we can’t change the branding now!
You’re right, two D’s is just too much.
Ugh, god, Phil, alright. Phil can’t handle two D’s guys.
You’re the one who vetoed the branding, Dan. Anyway, we can’t start a film company. What were we talking about before - before all the D’s?
We - jesus christ - we were talking about the radio station and someone figuring out the mysterious code that will inevitably save the world.
Oh right, in the future, because it’s their destiny and because fate is real and some people are just meant to know the secrets of the Russian codemakers.
Guys, Phil’s secretly hoping that he’ll be the person fated to know the Russian radio station secrets.
Imagine if I did figure it out, how would I tell everyone. A tweet? Should I make a video about it? What - what’s a good clickbait title for when you’ve got a world-unending secret?
I mean I think honesty is the best policy here - ‘Cracking Russian Codes and Saving the World!!! (NOT CLICKBAIT!)’. It won’t really matter, though, the Russian government will have it taken down in a matter of minutes.
That would definitely not get monetized.
No, no it would not. And what a shame, because you saved the world! Although, we’re working under the assumption you could crack a cryptic code that nobody in nearly thirty five years has cracked. Guys, Phil has trouble with the mazes on the back of cereal boxes.
Yes, but that’s the point! No one else was destined to crack it, it has to be me! Or - Dan! What if it’s you instead!
What, some cosmic entity has somehow blessed me with the ability to solve this puzzle?
That’s my working conspiracy theory, yes.
Oh god, guys, Phil’s bought into the realm of conspiracy theories. Wait for his next video, ‘How I Became a Flat-Earther!’ or maybe it’ll be ‘Aliens are Real! I Was Abducted!’
Nah, I only really like the ones that involve you doing some laborious mental gymnastics. More fun to watch.
What on earth could be fun about watching me sitting and staring at a computer screen or listening to a buzzing radio station for endless hours and days, that sounds horrible and boring for both of us.
One man’s boring is another man’s...I was trying to think of a word that rhymes with ‘boring’ but nothing’s coming to mind.
‘Snoring’? ‘Loring’? ‘Flooring’? Yeah none of those really work, good try though, Phil. This is why you aren’t fated to solve any mysterious Russian puzzles.
Maybe, I guess we’ll all just have to wait and see. Ooh, a cliffhanger!
Life is a cliffhanger, Phil. You can never know what to expect next.
Wow, that’s deep. Is this the part of the podcast where you inject the moral?
I think ‘inject’ is probably not the word I want to use in the same podcast as a discussion about aliens and probing, but sure. Life is unpredictable, guys, so you never know what will happen next or how it’ll get better. Life is very long, there’s lots of time for it to improve.
Aw, I like this, it’s like we’re at the end of a liveshow! Which, I guess, we kind of almost are. This is sort of like a liveshow, except, uh...not live. But you guys know what I mean.
Yes, Phil, yes we do. But we can’t end it just yet! Phil, did you bring any conspiracy theories for us to discuss?
I did, actually! And you’ll never guess who it’s about.
Hit us, Phil.
Me! I saw some people talking about this on Twitter, which is where I see most things that are totally true.
You- okay, Phil. Of course. He’s got a theory about himself. From Twitter, which is definitely a factual website.
Dan, do you - can you even remember me back when I had the fringe instead of the quiff?
No, Phil, we’ve talked about this, the shining forehead is all I remember now.
Good, that’s the way it should be, really.
What- what are you getting at, Phil. Is the quiff a conspiracy?
Well, I guess that’s up to the people to decide. Some believe that Fringe Phil is still out there somewhere, and that you’ve just gone and replaced him with the quiffed version.
That’s, like, people think I went and replaced you- er, ‘Fringe Phil’ with a quiffed Phil?
Yes! It’s not like I could just replace myself with myself!
I mean, if Fringe Phil is still out there, surely he could’ve cloned himself and done this without any intervention on my part?
It’s all very sinister, you must be involved somehow.
Oh, just because it’s ‘sinister’, that means I did it. Angel bean AmazingPhil could never , is that it?
That’s right. Poor Fringe Phil, I bet you’ve just got him shoved into a hole somewhere, don’t you?
A- and where the hell would I just have a hole, Phil? We live in the middle of London, do you really think there’s even- where would I dig a hole? And do you really think- I mean, come on. I’m not going out of my way to do exercise.
I don’t know, Dan, that sounds like a pretty flimsy excuse to me. Ooh, and what’s your motive? What happened to make you want to get rid of him? Am I really so much better? You can talk about how great I am, no one will mind.
My- it’s not murder , I didn’t- oh my god, Phil’s- I don’t think you guys understand, he’s like this...all the time. Literally. Maybe I should replace you with a clone. Or go find the Fringe Phil and bring him back, maybe he’ll be less arrogant. Actually, knowing you with a fringe, you weren’t really any less arrogant. Just had less forehead.
Oi! Every version of me is an absolute delight, you know it, I know it, everyone knows it. Only facts on this podcast!
Facts. Yes, on the conspiracy theory podcast , we’re only talking facts, folks.
Shut up. Anyway, tell us you favorite conspiracy theory in the comments below, and also give me some recommendations about where in London I should start looking for Fringe Phil.
Right, yes, so if you see Phil with a shovel in the middle of the park, you’ll know what he’s up to. Apparently searching for his clone that I’ve mysteriously buried in a hole somewhere. Thanks for listening, I’m sorry for everything, and please subscribe!
I’m not sorry. Bye!
Bye!