Chapter Text
Devi sighed as she tossed her backpack over her shoulder and walked out of AP English, her last class of the day. She eyed her friends standing in front of Fabiola’s Jeep waiting for her. She was so glad for the day to be over, it wasn't that her classes were hard or anything, everything was surprisingly manageable, except for the familiar yet crushing weight of guilt weighing down on her.
She hadn't told Fabiola and Eleanor about Ben. Sure, it was a pretty recent thing and there was no need to tell them every little thing that happened in her life, but it was still gnawing at her.
Devi had absolutely no idea how they would react, boys had seemed to be a pretty touchy subject when it came to Devi and her friends.
For all her friends knew, she was still pining after Paxton with big heart eyes waiting for him to finally talk about their kiss. Part of that was true at least, Devi was still thinking about Paxton. He was just so perfect- he was everything that Devi had ever wanted and now she was so close to having it and she had still screwed it up.
She couldn't bring herself to be particularly mad that she and Paxton weren’t an item, but she wasn't particularly happy about it either. She liked Ben, she really really liked Ben and he made her feel something deep within her that she had never felt with anybody else before, something she certainly didn't feel with Paxton. Still, she felt so unsure of who she wanted to be with.
She figured it was good her and Ben had agreed to take things slow, but she wondered what that really meant. Couldn't she still talk to Paxton if she wanted to? Did she want to?
It was all so confusing.
“Yo, earth to Devi.” said Fabiola as she ran up to meet Devi, slinging her arm around her friend's shoulder.
Devi shook herself out of the thoughts she had buried herself in, turning towards Fabiola and Eleanor, who had walked up to the courtyard to join her. Devi smiled and as she looked at her friends, she pondered why she had been freaking out about how they would feel about the whole Ben thing. They were good friends, and even if they didn't understand, they would still try to.
“Yup, I’m all good,” she fastened the other strap of her backpack that was hanging limply on her shoulder. “Let's get our study on!”
The three girls made their way back down to the parking lot where Fabiolas car was stationed. Eleanor and Devi both climbed into the back seat and Fabiola sat in the front, her hands secured on the drivers wheel ready to pull out from near the school.
Ever since Fabiola had gotten her license a couple weeks ago, the girls had all agreed that no one would sit in the passenger seat, so they could avoid any more stupid fights between the friend group.
As the car's engine was ignited, Fabiola turned on the radio in the front of the car. A Top 100 song started blasting through the speakers in the vehicle and Devi and Eleanor found themselves singing along in a very in character fashion. They were both screaming the lyrics at the top of their longs, Devi completely out of key yet enthusiastic and Elenor belting her heart out with an overwhelming amount of passion for a cheesy pop song.
Fabiola rolled her eyes and kept her focus on the road.
“So, Devi, how are things going with Paxton?” asked Eleanor after the song came to an end and a commercial started playing. “I haven't heard you talk much about him lately.”
“Yeah what's going on with all of...” Fabiola took a pause searching for the right word, “that.”
Devi immediately looked away from the window, focusing her attention on her friends. She wasn't scared to tell them necessarily, it was just so much work. It was hard to explain what exactly had happened because she couldn't even begin to grasp what was going on herself.
However, she figured that these were her best friends and, even if she didn't have all the answers, they deserved to know what was going on in her life. Plus, she had promised herself (and her therapist) that she was going to do better. She was improving and being honest was a key step in that.
“So, you know how I'm being honest with you guys now?” Both of the girls nodded.
Devi took a second to breath, trying to collect everything that had happened in the last week or so into words.
“Well, I don't really know how I feel about Paxton anymore,” she blurted out. That was the whole truth, she didn't know how she felt about Paxton.
Devi hated not knowing, she needed to have all of the answers all of the time. The problem with growing up smart was that once she had done good, that was the standard. Now, it was hardwired in her brain that everything she did was in black or white, good or bad, right or wrong.
Devi needed the right answer.
She needed to know how she felt about Paxton and about Ben. She needed her feelings to be analytical, but, as much as she wanted them to be, that was not how feelings work.
“Why?” asked Eleanor, seeming deeply hurt. “I need my modern day Romeo and Juliet to play out between you guys” She whined and me and Fab shot each other knowing looks.
“Wait, doesn't Romeo and Juliet end with like, everyone dead?” Devi looked sour, she didn't want to die in Eleanors theoretical imaginary reference.
“Well, I mean, if you overlook that, Romeo and Juliet are kind of like you and Paxton.” She shrugged casually. “Except you’re Romeo and you end up with Rosaline instead of dying.”
Fabiola smiled knowingly, her eyes still concentrating with laser focus on the road. She figured she should stay out of this one.
“Who’s Rosaline then?” Devi looked confused and crossed her arms across her chest, the harsh material of her seatbelt jabbing into her arm.
Eleanor stared at Devi as if she was stupid.
“Ben, duh.” She said the words casually, like Devi and Ben being a thing was the most obvious fact in the world.
“Phhft, what do you mean?” Devi said trying to keep her guard up “Me and Ben aren't a thing.”
Both of her friends looked at her, a deadpan expression on their faces.
“We literally saw you kissing Ben at your locker yesterday,” stated Fabiola. She didn't look mad, she was just annoyed as to how her friend managed to lie about the simplest things. She turned back to the road figuring it wasn't any of her business. She didn't want to pick fights with Devi, she had just gotten her back.
Devi felt her ears redden and her face warm as Fabiola spoke. She felt bad for lying but felt even worse that she had gotten caught. Her head hung low in shame, she didn't want her friends to think that she was untrustworthy, but she also didn't know why she just couldn't tell the truth. It made Devi want to scream.
“I was gonna tell you guys, I swear.” Pleaded Devi, she didn't want to get into another argument with her friends over the same mistakes. “It's just nothing’s really even happened yet. We’re not official or anything”
“Look, it's fine. We figured you would tell us when you were ready.” Said Fabiola, she seemed pretty neutral about anything happening between the couple in question.
“But still I really want to hear about it.” Eleanor adjusted the way she was sitting so she could face Devi directly. Her face was lit up at the idea of Ben and Devi; it was the perfect slowburn enemies to lovers story she could only dream about.
“I need all the juicy deets about the new Troy and Gabriella of Sherman Oaks High” Continued Eleanor, it all just seemed so perfect to her.
“Well, fine, what do you want to know?” She knew she would regret the question as soon as she said it.
Eleanor rambled on and on for a few minutes, asking a million questions a minute about her and Ben. Both Devi and Fabiola had stopped listening but didn’t dare interrupt the other girl, knowing she would ramble on regardless.
After a few minutes of being bombarded with questions, Devi broke.
“Chill girl.” She sounded like her therapist in her head, god, she was going crazy. “Just- what do you want to know?” Before Eleanor even had the chance to say anything Devi cut her off again. “Like, give me one question El.” Eleanor glared at Devi when she heard her nickname but calmed down with her relentless interrogation.
Eleanor racked her brain trying to figure out which question she most wanted answered, after a moment she settled on one.
“Does your mom know?” she asked innocently, she wasn't aware of the baggage that question came with. She hadn't even thought about the fact that Devi’s mom would be mad.
Devi frowned, of course she had to ask that.
“Yeah, she knows, and she's actually super okay with it.” The girls looked at her happily, glad that her mom might finally be letting Devi have a tiny sliver of freedom.
“Actually, can we not talk about this anymore?” Devi blurted, seconds before Eleanor was about to ask another question.
Devi tried to smile and fall back into the conversation her and her best friends were having about the superior snack food, but heart wasn’t in it.
The truth was that her and her mom hadn't talked in a week since Nalini had caught the couple together. It was tearing Devi apart not having anyone in her family to talk to. Sure, she could talk to Kamala but it just wasn't the same as talking to her mom. When she was with her mom, as annoying as she was, Devi had motivation and strength. Every time her mom tore her down she built Devi back up ten times higher.
When Devi had gotten back from the beach she thought she had finally understood her mom. She was hard on her daughter, out of love, and. although that wasn't necessarily a great way to raise a child, Devi finally realized that it wasn't her. But all of that went crashing to the ground when Devi’s mom had caught her and Ben kissing outside of their house.
What was even worse was that Devi’s mom wasn't even mad. She was disappointed. Devi couldn't help but wonder if she was ever going to have a good relationship with her mom or if the next three years she had to spend with her would be lived constantly at each others throats.
The group finally arrived at Fabiolas house after what had seemed like an incredibly long car ride. Each one of the teens made their way out of the vehicle, taking their backpacks from their feet and hoisting them onto their shoulders.
The gang made their way up the driveway, towards Fabiola’s suburban house ready to study up a storm for the PSATS.