Chapter Text
Ranboo smiled. Maybe- Maybe things were getting better. Maybe he was worrying for nothing. Maybe, it was all okay. He felt a warm glimmer of hope in his heart, looking at the small boy next to him. He looked… peaceful, for once. It was going to be a difficult journey, but he was willing to help them both get through this.
It wasn’t him. It wasn’t him. It wasn’t him. It wasn’t his fault! He wanted to keep his smile, but it fell as doubt voiced in his brain until it was all he could hear. It was because of Tommy’s- Tommy’s- his... It wasn’t him. It wasn’t that he was a bad husband. He wasn’t, he was good. He left him alone and respected him. He… He-... It wasn’t his fault.
This was the first time he had ever sincerely doubted his role as a supportive husband, and he quickly realized he couldn’t handle straining his mind of the subject. He got out of bed to find something to distract himself; before he knew it, he was holding a pan over the stove.
—
They finished breakfast, Tubbo seemed to be doing better, kind of- He seemed happier, very excited about seeing Tommy, it was all he talked about. Ranboo knew Tubbo was avoiding his feelings about how the whole, situation, affected him. He was going to distract himself until he couldn’t ignore it anymore. The tall boy feared when that day would come, but when it did, he made sure Tubbo knew he’d be there.
“I’m gonna go to Tommy’s now!” A light smile appeared across his face.
“Okay! I’m going to drop Micheal off at Phil’s, I’ll meet you at the Inn?” Ranboo questioned.
“Mhm.” And before he knew it, Tubbo had already left.
Ranboo sighed, Tubbo was digging himself a hole he most definitely could not crawl out of, and what if the hole was too deep to where even the most loving and caring of hands could not grasp the heart-struck little boy huddled in the bottom of the deep, dark cavern? What then? He winced at the thought, eyelids falling with a soft heaviness to them.
Ranboo would help him.
—
Heavy footsteps landed on the oak wood that paved the land, before hitting the dirt in front of an all too familiar house. Tommy’s dirt hut was exactly the same as he remembered, except the lawn was littered with colorful flowers. He was desperate for this visit, it had only been a few hours, but it was the only thing ringing in his mind.
His hand hit the door, with a light knock.
No answer.
No. No- Tubbo wasn’t going to wait for this, he had waited all night. He knocked again, louder this time.
No answer.
Tubbo winced as he opened the door and invited himself in.
“Tommy?” He walked over to the center of the room. It was quiet, peaceful. The short boy made his way to Tommy’s bedroom door and opened it with no hesitation. He was done waiting.
Tommy flinched at the sound of someone entering his room, sighing in relief once he realized it was his best friend.
“O-Oh hey- Sorry I wasn’t expecting you this early.” Tommy was sitting on his bed, his hair was messy and he was still in his pajamas, he must have just woken up.
“It’s fine. Do you um-” Tubbo felt an army of guilt march into his lungs, making him pause. He only came to Tommy to get something from him. He even peer pressured him into getting the shit. He was using him. Of course. Of course, he would use his best friend. Of course, it would be him. Of course, it would be the tyrant. Of course- Of course- Of course- Of course.
His thoughts hurt him. He let out a sharp exhale. “Do you- have the stuff I asked for?”
Tommy’s eyes widened once he processed what Tubbo had said. “Oh, yea! It’s over there.”
Tommy pointed over to his dresser, a pack of cigarettes sitting on top.
The short boy turned his head, an almost desperate smile appearing across his face. He contained his urgent need, slowly walking over to the dresser, picking it up and placing it in his pocket, letting his hand rest there.
“Thanks.” Tubbo smiled at the sitting boy as he made his way to the door, he felt something grab his shoulder and hold him back. He turned.
“Wait, you're just gonna leave?”
“…” He felt the guilt rear in again. “Y-Yea.” He broke eye contact in shame. “I have to go work on the Inn with Ranboo…”
Tommy winced at the name. “So you’ve come here to get shit? What about me? We haven’t hung out at all.”
The short boy looked into the taller’s eyes, “I’m sorry. We can hang out later- I’m just busy.” Even though it was true, it felt like an excuse, a terrible lie to get out of seeing Tommy.
“Tubbo- I spent months there. Months! Please… I just.” Tommy looked away, tears forming at the back of his eyes. He had never been so openly vulnerable, then again, death opens up wounds.
He felt horrible. Part of him knew he needed to stay, for Tommy’s sake, but the other part of him itched to get out of there as soon as possible to open the pack.
“Look… I promise we can spend time together. I know you went through a lot. But just, not right now, okay?”
Tommy's eyes filled with disappointment and sorrow, “… Okay.”
He wasn’t prepared to handle this. He couldn’t handle his own problems, let alone someone else's. He slowly turned around and walked out the door.
The fresh air hit him as he let out a deep sigh. He didn’t have time to focus on that. There was one thing on his mind, and he had it.
—
He took a drag of the cigarette, immediately receiving a hit of euphoria as the nicotine entered his lungs. His body melted at the visceral feeling. The slow burn filled his mind, shoveling away his problems as if they were simply a layer of snow. He smiled, how he missed this.
—
The next few days flew by, working on the inn, smoking, getting a comment from Ranboo about how he should stop, working on projects in the basement, and falling asleep. It’s weird how quickly things can become routine. After a long night filled with screwdrivers and blowtorches, he woke up at his desk once more, reaching for a cigarette as it had swiftly become part of his everyday. Smoking first thing in the morning wavered his appetite; part of him felt bad for not eating Ranboo’s breakfast anymore. Nonetheless, he did it anyway. He shot his feelings of guilt far back, just like he had done with the rest of his emotions. More of an instinct rather than a choice. He reached for the cigarette only to find that he had one left.
Shit.
He had gone to Tommy’s four or five days ago [he had lost count], how could he have run out so quickly. It confused him, sure, but it didn’t matter how, just that he had one left. He would have to visit Tommy again. He sighed and lit the cigarette, that was a problem for future Tubbo, right now, it was time to relax.
—
Unfortunately, future Tubbo came very soon as a few hours later he was desperate.
He made his way over to the little dirt hut Tommy lived in. Sighing before knocking on the door.
“Tubbo! I’m so glad you’re here!” The taller said with a bright smile, though his eyes were tired, he was quite energetic and swiftly welcomed him inside. “So, what brings you here?” An innocent question by itself, but in Tubbo’s case, not so much.
He didn’t want to dance around it, he wasn’t here for small talk, he sighed and made eye contact with Tommy, “I need more.”
Tommy looked unsure of what he meant. He glanced at the ground for a brief moment, then back into Tubbo’s eyes. “More?”
“Cigarettes, I ran out.”
“You what?… But- but I JUST gave you some the other day!”
“Yea..” He let out a pitied laugh.
“So you’ve done what you’ve done last time?”
Tubbo was silent looking confused at Tommy.
“Coming into my house to ask me for your shit. Not even caring about what I went through.” Tommy looked away, visibly frustrated.
“Tommy it’s not like that.”
“It's not like that? Then what is it like Tubbo?”
“I can't... It's not that simple Tommy.”
“Tubbo, all I'm asking is for you to listen! I'm not asking you to help or even say anything, just listen. You're my best friend and I just… can you at least pretend like you care..?”
“T-Tommy…I do care... It's just so much more complicated than just listening.”
“It's really not, I don’t think I’m really asking that much of you.”
“Tommy, I’m just going through a lot right now okay? It’s just-“
“You’re going through a lot? YOU’RE going through a lot!? Tubbo I can't even fucking sleep because it reminds me of that godforsaken place!”
“Tommy I can't sleep either! I have not gotten a peaceful sleep since my best friend fucking died!”
“… Don’t say that... I’m right here, It’s- It’s not like I’m a different person!”
Tubbo truly hated this, this conversation was just bringing reality to all of his feelings and he wasn’t ready for that.
“Tommy.” Tubbo was much quieter now, he looked into Tommy’s eyes, “just...please not right now. I’m not ready to handle that stuff.”
“You didn’t have to handle it, I did. I went through it. I don't understand why it would affect you so much. Why the hell do you need cigarettes anyway? They’re fucking gross and unhealthy.”
“Tommy please just stop okay? We can talk about it some other time I promise.”
The disappointment that filled Tommy’s face, though only for a brief moment, broke Tubbo’s heart in ways unimaginable. His best friend was upset at him for something he did. God, why couldn’t Tubbo just listen, why couldn’t he just support his friend. Why was he so shitty to everyone he cared about? They don’t deserve this. They deserve better. You shouldn’t have to try this hard to be a good friend. Maybe that's it. Maybe he just wasn’t a good friend. Maybe he was just incapable of properly loving.
“I’ll get you them.” His tone was dull and defeated, but at least he agreed.
“I appreciate it.”
“Smoking is fucking disgusting and unhealthy and you're starting to smell like Wil.”
“Yeah Ranboo tells me about it every fucking day, I don’t need that from you too.”
Tommy took note of how annoyed the other sounded, he wasn’t going to bring that up again. One, because he didn’t want Tubbo to be upset with him, and two, because like hell he would be compared to Ranboo.
“You can go, I don’t wanna keep you from anything ‘actually’ important.”
He thought he had explained it, but Tommy still seemed bitter about the situation, which honestly annoyed Tubbo. Their little argument had solved nothing. “Tommy. It’s not that you’re not important it’s jus-”
“Leave, Tubbo.”
With furrowed eyebrows and a sharp exhale, Tubbo left the dirt hut.
The air was cool, nothing like Snowchester, but it called for a jacket, luckily Tubbo was still wearing his coat built for freezing temperatures. He hadn’t realized that while he was getting heated with Tommy, his body had begun to heat up due to the warmth of his little shack. He sighed and made his way to Snowchester, hoping Ranboo was asleep at this time, he was not ready for another lecture.
That conversation was difficult. He had been more vulnerable than he wanted to be. He didn’t want whatever reality check that talking with Tommy entailed. He just wanted some fucking cigarettes. He was so frustrated at the fact that he opened up, even if it was briefly. Tommy didn’t need to burden more, he just wished he had done anything other than what he did. He should’ve just listened to Tommy talk about what he went through. Such a simple concept, but too unrealistic to ever happen. Not now. If Tubbo had listened he would have to face the fact that Tommy indeed died and Tommy was indeed back, ideas his brain would continue to shut down until the day he died.