Chapter Text
Waking up to the light from the sun refracted against the bedroom walls. There was a moment of peace and silence. Not the silence that becomes almost deafening to the point where even one’s conscious thoughts become too overbearing, no, this was calm and soft, like being wrapped up in a cocoon of warmth and comfort. It reminisced the old tale of how one can know when they have met their soul mate, and it’s not anxious energy that never ends; it is the unknowing belief in our gut that feels nothing but comfort, home. Anne felt that in the fibers of her skin and the tendons of her muscle, she was home. He was her home, and she knew he was hers, and she was his. Yet, the ache in her cracks that laid bare to him knew that their love was fragile; their story had yet to unfold with the tangled mess they each created. She knew that it had to be dealt with, and Anne believed that heartbreak could come with it.
That was what had kept her from trying to wake up Gilbert. She kept questioning where they would be after this. Avonlea was their little escape from reality. It was their fairy tale away from hell. It was a bubble that was theirs and only theirs but soon that bubble would pop, and she knew she had yet to heal on her own. All she could think was if she needed to let people go to bind those cracks in herself finally.
“Good morning,” the muffled groggy sound appeared from behind her and she unconsciously smiled.
“Good morning, how did you sleep?”
“Believe it or not I slept way better than I have in a long while.”
“I know the feeling.” she nudged her nose with his and laid her head on his chest listening to the sound of his heartbeat. It was comforting and made her want to stay where they were forever.
“I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want this to end.” Gilbert pulls her closer and kisses the top of her head speaking out his thoughts.
“I don’t either but you know we need to talk about it. What are we going to do? What happens next?” Anne grabs onto his hand entwining their hands as two locks enclosed trying not to leave one another because they fit perfectly.
“We really are two fucked up lost people aren’t we?” GIlbert sighs out.
“Not fucked up. Just lost and idiots who never knew how to communicate with one another or admit our feelings in the first place.” Gilbert kisses her knuckles and nudges her nose.
“I have to talk to Winnie. I can’t go on and pretend things are okay between me and her she deserves way more than all that I did.”
“I have to talk to Roy. We didn’t exactly leave off the right foot.”
“Then what happens?” they lock eyes with one another and she can see the little flecks of gold in his eyes more than she has in a long time. He looks young like when they were in high school and the only thing they ever had to worry about was the upcoming math exams or college applications. Back when everything was simple and everything felt invisible that perhaps she could live up to her own expectations and no one else’s.
“I’m not sure, Gil. I’m scared.” Anne whispers looking at their hands collapsed together and thinks just how much everything at this moment made so much sense.
“I’m scared too.”
“Can you give me time to get things sorted out first, please?”
“As much time as you need. You’re all I ever wanted and I can wait. We’ve gotten this far and I’m not giving up on us.” They embrace and she lays her head on his chest. The steady beat of her heart lulls her back to sleep.
It’s the day after and Anne feels the fabric of an old white knitted sweater hugging her and smelling like him. She took it or more as he gave it to her, that old favorite sweater he wore in high school and never threw out. It’s still cold but the wind on her face is grazing ever so slightly as if a feather touches the ground when falling from the sky. She’s finally leaving Avonlea and going back to New York. But she chooses to keep every peaceful moment she had been back home to be ingrained in her memory. To become a comfort blanket in her thoughts when she felt she no longer can keep herself whole anymore. She still doesn’t wear her wedding ring it felt too wrong as if a sin branded on her skin that she no longer would be able to diminish. Yet, the small touches from GIlbert felt anything but that, it felt as if those were prayers becoming ingrained and rooted within her soul digging farther until it made home into her heart. If Anne was being honest with herself she’s more confused with herself when it comes to what she wants to do once she does confront Roy. She didn’t mean to fall out love with Roy or if it was love and perhaps it was love in a familiarity form, not the act of actually being in love. But the other part of her thinks should she start another relationship straight away with Gilbert? Would it be messy? Would it be like everything just makes sense and automatically works? Or is it that Anne should really listen to what she told Gilbert and have some time for herself and really figure out who she is without being in a relationship for a bit. She loves Gilbert and her heart remedies with the thought of him being hers. Yet, Anne knows she has a lot of work to do for herself before she can jump into a relationship. She wants this one to last and to be the only one she has until they grow grey and old. Anne takes a deep breath looks out the window of her old childhood bedroom and sees the flowers starting to slowly bloom, the branches still bare but there is one leaf hanging by the stem.
Anne thinks about that hanging leaf as she finds herself back at the apartment mirrored the same just as all the other high-rise buildings. The sounds of cars and sirens echos against the bare linoleum floors her feet bare being the only feeling she can find that can keep her rooted to where she is. Rather than losing herself in daydreams of sunlight, trees, and hazel eyes crinkling from laughing late at night.
“You’re back.” She hears Roy say from behind her. His keys clinked against the marble countertops and a sigh was let out.
“Yea.” Anne still looks out the window. Her eyes zoned in on a couple underneath a lamplight laughing and kissing one another. It was as if it was a glimpse of who Roy and she would have been. If they kept pretending to be happy.
“Anne. Can you please look at me?” His voice was raspy as if it was hard for him to say. Anne swallows and tries to keep her tears from falling. Her shoulders were hunched with a blanket around her. She turns around and sees him still standing at the counter his tie undone, hair still perfectly done, but his eyes rimmed with red and dark bags underneath.
“Roy. I-i’m so so sorry.” Anne starts to cry and she doesn’t know if she’s apologizing for their fight, for saying yes when he asked to marry him when she knew he deserved better than what she gave him, for cheating on him with Gilbert, for not loving him as he should be loved. But to her, it was perhaps all of the above.
“I’m sorry too.” And there it was the feeling of knowing that your partner knows something wasn’t right and that this is the moment where both decide to jump and choose to part ways. Anne walks towards him and takes his hands in hers.
“I really hoped that we would last. I thought we would be good together and then all that happened was arguing so much arguing, I’m not blaming you. We grew apart and at different rates. I became so hollow and lost I wasn’t the Anne you thought you knew and I’m so sorry. I should have loved you as you should have been loved.” She cries even harder because despite the fact they grew a part he was a part of her life for so long. He was a part of her story but he wasn’t there to stay for the whole part of her story.
“Anne, I did love you. You know that I really did and I think became fascinated with the idea of you more than the whole of you. I wasn’t a great husband I left a lot and left you alone and I expected you to be someone you’re not. But you hurt me too.”
“I know Roy. I have a lot of things to sort out. And if we’re being honest I don’t think I could mentally tolerate it. I loved you but -”
“It was always him, right? I’m not stupid Anne. I see the way he looked at you and how you- God you wouldn’t even laugh or smile like that with me. You always had this look to you when you were around him and I thought maybe I was just insecure and I kept him away from you” She feels Roy rub against her ring finger and she knows he knows there’s a reason why she no longer wears it. He looks up at her and his eyes are glassy and he takes a deep breath.
“Yes, it was always him.” She feels tears fall but she doesn’t let her eyes fall off of Roy and he nods backing away from her and running his hands through his hair.
“Did you sleep with him?” He croaks out and Anne feels her breathing become erratic she swallows the lump in her throat and nods.
“Roy-” She whispers and she sees his dress shoes pacing back and forth and keys being thrown from the counter. Anne doesn’t flinch.
“That’s all I needed to know.” He whispers and runs his hands over his face. His chest rises up and down rapidly as if he is about to explode. He keeps pacing back and forth. Anne hears something clink against the counter and her head immediately catches the sight of his wedding ring left on the counter. She looks up at him and all she saw were two heartbroken people and jagged puzzle pieces that tried so hard to fit in the right places but failed. Anne can’t help but go up to him and hope he doesn’t pull away from her embrace. Her arms wounded tight around his waist and her head nuzzled in his chest. Hiccups rise from her throat as she can’t keep herself from sobbing. She feels him stiffen and slowly a hand goes behind her holding close and feeling something wet fall against her cheeks knowing it was his tears and Anne knows she doesn’t deserve it. She doesn’t deserve his hug or being this close anymore. Her hands gripped tightly against his dress shirt wrinkling the fabric and his hand cups her head close, his fingers tangling in hair. This was it, this was the end. It was their final goodbye.
“I’ll get the divorce papers ready.” Roy’s muffled voice comes out through the silence between their sobs.
“I really am sorry. I hope you find someone that loves you as much as you deserve. You deserve better than me and I am sorry. I hope you find happiness, Roy.”
“Me too. Anne.”