15 Bookmarks by assholepants
List of Bookmarks
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Summary
"Why is this shitfuck pan-rotting pile of artifact-ridden, glitchy, nonsensical sewage that can barely pass itself off as a movie somehow a thoughtful criticism on the global rise of authoritarianism and well-put commentary on how young working class males are forced into the military? What the actual fuck? Why do none of the other reviews mention this?"
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Aka famous movie director "D Strider" pays Karkat to review his shitty movies, and Karkat grows increasingly alarmed that they actually mean something under all of the mind-numbing bullshit. Meeting Strider, the biggest douchebag in the world, does not help. Also he keeps meeting this annoyingly smart human kid and his awkward/obnoxious but very hot guardian. These two things are entirely unrelated.
Series
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 117,856
- Chapters:
- 26/26
- Comments:
- 1,470
- Kudos:
- 1,711
- Bookmarks:
- 361
- Hits:
- 39,385
Bookmarked by assholepants
28 Mar 2023
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Summary
Your name is Karkat Vantas and you suppose a quiet drive to New York was too much to ask for. Instead you're spending the whole trip with the world's most obtuse man, all because you had the audacity to tell your friends what your post semester plans were. Fuck you for having basic human decency.
(When Harry Met Sally AU that's loosely fit to the plot of the movie.)
Bookmarked by assholepants
13 Mar 2023
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Doc Scratch's School for Supernaturally Gifted Adolescents by medical
Fandoms: Homestuck
03 Jul 2019
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Summary
One minute you get a mysterious message from a man who types all in white like a jackass, and the next thing you know you're being whisked away to a mystical school for kids with superpowers. If you weren't Dave fucking Strider, this sort of thing might bother you.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 231,085
- Chapters:
- 28/28
- Collections:
- 5
- Comments:
- 1,120
- Kudos:
- 3,993
- Bookmarks:
- 789
- Hits:
- 92,467
Bookmarked by assholepants
06 Mar 2023
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Summary
He’s John fucking Crocker. Funniest guy in Hollywood. He’s got Netflix specials coming out the wazoo. His comedy tour is sold out across the board.
Everybody loves him, but nobody knows him.
[UPDATE in beginning note 2/6/2024]
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 102,566
- Chapters:
- 19/19
- Comments:
- 730
- Kudos:
- 851
- Bookmarks:
- 107
- Hits:
- 18,591
Bookmarked by assholepants
17 Nov 2022
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Summary
Dirk left his siblings behind and moved upriver for the work. As a jeweler, he'd have a better chance to sell his creations in the annoyingly ritzy river bazaar, and he needed the coin.
The last thing he expects is to earn the attention of a handsome bookbinder, but Dirk has no problem with a ill-advised one night stand.
He's less prepared for the consequences of sleeping with a tradesman.
Series
- Part 2 of the trades of clay and gold
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 8,358
- Chapters:
- 2/?
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 70
- Kudos:
- 417
- Bookmarks:
- 46
- Hits:
- 4,469
Bookmarked by assholepants
08 Nov 2022
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Summary
Dream-sharing: a highly illegal little industry in which agents delve into people's dreams, and unearth their deepest secrets and memories.
Within this business, the Strider-Lalondes are known as the best there is — until Dirk Strider gets his fool-ass trapped within the confines of his own subconscious, with his Auto-Responder playing malicious prison warden.
To save him, the best and brightest dreamers in the world will have to form a team. Backed by the token rich friend, lead by the surliest extractor ever bribed out of retirement, haunted by the shade of the latest, greatest agent in the biz, and on the run through a dangerous tiered dream in a hostile mind... It's going to take a miracle to pull this one off.
11/11/21: FULLY REVISED WITH A "FIVE YEARS LATER" EPILOGUE
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 116,613
- Chapters:
- 18/18
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 736
- Kudos:
- 2,395
- Bookmarks:
- 684
- Hits:
- 54,704
Bookmarked by assholepants
31 Oct 2022
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Summary
"His head remains stiffly angled towards the screen, and you bet he thinks he’s real subtle, thinks you don’t catch the way his eyes flicker up surreptitiously to slide over your body in a textbook once-over as you shift positions. You keep your smirk in your mind and off your face, electing instead to stare out the window looking cool and pensive, taking a moment to thank the universe for this lovely surprise gift of a new target to mess with. But then again, the universe has totally been ramming its omnipotent cosmic dick up your dry ass all day, so it kind of owes you."
Dave’s a hot kid on the subway and John learns the important role that subtlety plays in the delicate art of creeping on strangers. Less sleazy than the name implies; debatably.
Bookmarked by assholepants
24 Oct 2022
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WALK IN THE CLUB LIKE WHAT UP I GOT A BIG DICK (IT HAS LED TO HEALTH PROBLEMS) by Rag
Fandoms: Homestuck
20 Sep 2017
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Summary
karkat has a really big dong, and dave finally discovers lube
Bookmarked by assholepants
21 Oct 2022
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Summary
While you sip, while the waiter is distracted watching for your reaction, Dave shifts a little in his seat, helpless.
“That’s perfect,” you tell the waiter, who murmurs a very good, sir and pours both of your glasses.
“Too much for you?” you ask as the waiter disappears.
“Fuck no,” says Dave.
Bookmarked by assholepants
20 Oct 2022
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Summary
Karkat Vantas has escaped Alternia, and landed himself in a brand new problem. To pay his way to Earth, he takes a contract with the Undying Umbra as an assassin and wetwork generalist.
With a pricetag assigned to his life, Karkat assumes he just has to work his way out. Day by day, job by job, he's going to claw his way out from Under The Table.
Then: He meets his handler, Dave Strider.
And things get complicated. Like, really fucking complicated.
NOW COMPLETE!
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 252,409
- Chapters:
- 33/33
- Collections:
- 8
- Comments:
- 1,735
- Kudos:
- 1,730
- Bookmarks:
- 445
- Hits:
- 70,870
Bookmarked by assholepants
14 Oct 2022
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Summary
Dirk Strider is highly susceptible to rope space, especially in the hands of Jake English.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 11,879
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 20
- Kudos:
- 273
- Bookmarks:
- 53
- Hits:
- 3,053
Bookmarked by assholepants
07 Oct 2022
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Love Is Only Three Cubicles Away: How to Accidentally Fuck Your Coworker by carnivorousBelvedere, sooz (notwest)
Fandoms: Homestuck
16 Oct 2019
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Summary
Dave is decked out to the mother fucking nines. He already owns a plush black velvet suit that he'd spent way too much money on, because who wouldn't have a bomb ass suit for the off chance that they were going to be invited to an anonymous sex party some day?
He was able to buy a sleek red mask at a costume shop near his apartment, and when the girl at the door asks for his name he remembers it's a work event, panics and says, "Dick Johnson."
As he walks in he wonders if any of his coworkers were actually desperate enough to accept this invitation. He wonders if Karkat could possibly be here.
... Nah.
It's only after he gets the tour of the place–including the three people that are going at it right there in the living room–that he realizes exactly what he signed up for.
Bookmarked by assholepants
07 Oct 2022
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Summary
What is the worst thing someone you love could do that you would still forgive them for?
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FBI Agents Jake English and Karkat Vantas are just trying to arrest criminals and live their lives.
Jake wants to go home to his boyfriend at the end of the day. Karkat wants his peace and quiet.
Too bad the Strider thief duo they just can't seem to catch has been giving them a hard time.- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 136,508
- Chapters:
- 40/40
- Comments:
- 602
- Kudos:
- 1,659
- Bookmarks:
- 174
- Hits:
- 34,541
Bookmarked by assholepants
07 Oct 2022
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Summary
Dave is an art student for a local college, and life drawings are an important part of learning how to draw anatomy - he didn't anticipate developing a massive crush (bigger even than his crush on Lil Nas X) on the surly hot troll nude model for his classes. He also doesn't know how he is supposed to deal with actually meeting him at his part-time job as an apprentice tattoo artist with his older sister-from-another-star-system laughing at him, what the fuck Porrim. At least his other sister & kinda moirail Kanaya is there to get him ice-cream and play with his hair while he rambles about how hot Karkat's ass is.
Bookmarked by assholepants
02 Sep 2022
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Summary
There were worse jobs. There were better jobs. There was his wonderful pipe dreams of actually being picked up by a publisher and being so successful he could finally buy that cabin in the woods to go write alone for the rest of his life, no longer to be bewitched by the troubles of modern life, only allowing for visitation from three of his friends. But until that could somehow come to fruition he was stuck with dealing with what was in front of him; His work.
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Karkat's a film critic trying to make his way in the world today, and a certain director is determined to throw a wrench in the works.
Bookmarked by assholepants
31 Aug 2022