Chapter Text
The camera blinks on, revealing your startled face. You zoom out a little, and smile.
"So I convinced the Autobots to go to Walmart with me."
The camera view flips, showing the inside of the Autobot base. Optimus is standing in front of a large monitor, looking perturbed.
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The camera is now directly behind Optimus. There is actually a video of a Walmart tour on the monitor. It looks like it was filmed at the center of a warzone, but you know that that is just Walmart's natural state. Optimus and the camera turn to see Prowl enter the room.
"Oh boy–"
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"–not sure if this is a store or a combat simulation area."
The camera is zoomed in on Prowl's face. He is a stoic as ever. Slowly, the camera pans out to reveal Jazz creeping up behind Prowl. Optimus is pretending he doesn't notice.
"An urban combat–"
---
The camera is visibly shaking, and your wheezy laughter can be heard in the background. Jazz is on the floor, cradling his face and wounded pride. Prowl is leaning over him, looking distressed, and Optimus is back to staring at the Walmart video.
"Oh my god."
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The camera is centered on your face, and you struggle to keep it steady as you run. Judging from your expression, you've been sprinting for a while.
"Guys protip, don't tell Prowl that Walmart has your formuoli."
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"–he'll take you seriously and demand answers, and shouting ravioli also doesn't–"
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"–think he's still trying to find me but I'm in too deep to give up."
There is the heavy thud of robotic footsteps in the background. You run faster.
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It is pitch black. The only sound is your stifled breathing. You have the camera trained on what you assume is the door.
The door opens.
"Hey, what are you doing in–"
You drop the camera and scream.
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"Aaaaah."
Your voice is not panicked. Actually, it's rather relaxed. The camera focuses in on a section of grey metal.
"Kid, get that camera out of my face."
Ratchet gently thumbs the camera away. You zoom out, and his face still fills the frame.
"Ravioli ravioli give me the–"
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Ratchet frowns.
"Walmart."
You frown in reply.
"No, it's like...walmaht."
"Walmart?"
"Waaaahlmaht."
"Wal–"
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A handful of the Autobots are crowded around a monitor. The camera pans over them lazily.
Another video of Walmart is displayed, except this one has more screaming. You swap the camera view to your disgruntled face.
"So are we gonna go to Walmart or–"
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"I wanna pick the music."
The camera pans in on the driver's seat, in which sat Optimus' holoform. He glances over at you.
"Okay."
---
The song Darude, Sandstorm plays, the volume raised to an obnoxious degree. The camera slowly zooms in on Optimus' look of bafflement.
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"Can I drive?"
Optimus looks over at you.
"I don't know, can you?"
The camera drifts a little.
"Well not technically but–"
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Your face fills the frame as you grin with sheer delight. The camera swaps back to the front, shakily zooming in on a slightly blurry building in the distance. You take a deep breath.
"ITS WALMA–"
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"Is everyone ready?"
You, and subsequently the camera, vibrate with enthusiasm. The holoforms of Jazz and Prowl are staring at you with confusion. Optimus is somewhere to the right, out of frame as he converses with Ratchet and Bumblebee.
"You guys are the worst."
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"Welcome to Walmart!"
The camera shifts, held by someone not used to holding cameras. It clumsily focuses on you. You're currently pointing to the Walmart door, squatting with arms outstretched. An employee gives you a concerned look.
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"–ask you to refrain from filming on the premise."
The employee stares pointedly at the camera. The camera wielder either doesn't notice or doesn't care, as they instead zoom in on the employee's face.
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The camera is back in your hands, while Optimus steps in to talk with the employee. The employee looks at you and your party of dudes with a furrowed brow.
"Do you know these people?...Should I call the police?"
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Prowl has stepped in and is now talking about police protocol to the employee. The camera switches over to your face. You look upset.
"We're not even in the Walmart yet, can we chill."
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By the grace of god, you finally make it into the Walmart.
"Grab a cart, boys."
You finish your command by throwing yourself at a cart. The camera falls to the floor, and it captures a shot of you falling to the floor as well.
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You've managed to commandeer a shopping cart with a race car facade. Jazz is currently struggling, and managing, to fit inside the race car seat. The camera pans over to Prowl, who is watching the scene with an undecipherable expression.
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Optimus is pushing the cart, with Jazz folded into the car seat. Prowl is still staring. Meanwhile, Ratchet and Bumblebee are staring at an apple display. The camera zooms out, encompassing the full glory of an apple statue made of apples.
Bumblebee flicks one of the apples out from the bottom. Immediately, the entire structure begins to wobble ominously. The camera shakes as you all flee to the frozen pizza aisle.
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"We humans eat a variety of foods."
You pan the camera across a wide range of frozen foods, but mostly pizzas. Ratchet is examining a box of pizza rolls.
"Are you sure this is food?"
"I'm the human here, which means these pizza rolls are going in the cart."
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The frame is filled with yellow. You step back, and the camera refocuses. It's actually just Bumblebee, buried under a pile of his own hubris. Which is to say, a pile of microwave dinners. You pick up a box for the cart.
"This one is ravioli."
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"–not sure if this is entirely accurate, or healthy."
Optimus is staring at a box of deep fried macaroni and cheese balls with an expression of profound disappointment.
"Taking into consideration human eating–"
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"Catch!"
The camera wobbles as you launch a loaf of bread at Prowl. He catches it without looking.
"OHHHH–"
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"Catch!"
The view shifts as you frisbee a lunchable at Jazz. He turns just in time for it to clonk him in the head.
"GET REKT–"
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The camera is shaking as you sprint. Behind you, Jazz has escaped from his race car prison, and is throwing lunchables at you.
"YOU'RE VOIDING THE WARRANTY ON MY LUNCHABLES."
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The low angle of the camera implies that you are trying to be surreptitious, and the tuff of fabric on the edge of the frame implies your plan involved hiding the camera in your clothing. An employee is giving Jazz a stern talking to. In the background, Prowl can be seen approaching, a grim expression on his face.
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As Jazz and Prowl (plus one employee) argue in the background, you run to the chips section. The camera slows down as the Doritos came into view. Ratchet is analyzing them, trying to make sense of their 'cool ranch' factors. You push the camera close to his face.
"Have you ever had a dorito? One whole dorito?"
You grab a bag of Doritos, these ones labeled 'Zesty Taco', and shove them into his arms.
"I ate a dorito once and it changed my life."
Ratchet eyes the Doritos with an expression of intense suspicion.
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There is a very large tub of nacho cheese in your arms, which you waddle over to Ratchet with some difficulty. You present it to him.
"It says it's healthy."
Ratchet stares at you, deadpan.
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"–not even sure how this qualities as food, considering it is in large parts just sodium with added–"
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The cart is now full of various foodstuffs, most of which hardly qualify as food. Jazz is cradled around a plastic jug of pickles, which is sharing the car seat with him. Prowl is now pushing the trolley. Bumblebee and Optimus disappear into the electronic section, as Ratchet argues with a sales associate about the nutritional value of the aforementioned tub of nacho cheese.
You swap the camera view back to your face.
"So I guess it's time to go to the electronic section."
You look very pleased.