Work Text:
(555):
Hello, person with towels that rival only the softness of my own skin. We met last night in your shower. You asked me to text and remind you that you are as beautiful as the last crystal of snow on the tip of a unicorn's horn on Christmas morning, and that last night was the best night of your life. Times a bajillion. On a horse. You’re welcome, person with towels that rival only the softness of my own skin.
Good night (10001) 
Bad night (23)
(555):
I’ll be late for lunch. Was aiming for a boat but miscalculated. I’m on a bat. Now riding it into space where we will fight an intergalactic war against sonic aliens. Dinner?Good night (2342) Bad night (456)
(555):
Check your kitchen. I believe you will find bacon freshly cooking inside a vase of fresh flowers cut from the top of Mount Everest.Good night (2358972) Bad night (3)
(555):
Now that I have smelled your man, my verdict is: Unimpressed. My suggestions include Old Spice bodywash or a night of making sweet, sweet love in a field of wildflowers underneath a lunar eclipse.Good night (34) Bad night (263)
(555):
Having watched more episodes of Torchwood at your request, I humbly disagree. Captain Jack Harkness is not more manly than I. Evidenced is the fact that despite his handsome manparts, he is fictional and I am not. Point me. Times a bajillion.Good night (365) Bad night (2365)
(555):
Hello, man in the unfortunately unfashionable hat. We met last night on an African safari just before an entire pride of lions fainted at the sight of my muscled physique. You asked me to remind you to lather, rinse, and repeat. This is very important. You’re welcome, man in the unfortunately unfashionable hat.Good night (3425) Bad night (134)
(555):
Did I leave my monocle in your shower? Perhaps between the robot silverfish and the soap sculpture of Jane Austen that I crafted out of two dozen Old Spice bath bars?Good night (3489) Bad night (146)
(555):
This cell phone is now diamonds.Good night (92348592) Bad night (11)
(555):
I humbly request that you remind me to stop turning things into diamonds that I might need. Like cell phones. And whale-hunting spears. And towels. And the small slip of paper in which I wrote down the meaning of life.Good night (11) Bad night (92348592)
(555):
I have always been fluent in the language of love, but last night I earned my doctorate in Applied Awesome Mathematics and Computer Things at MIT and now I say to you: 0100100100100000011000010110110100100000011010000110000101101110011001000111001101101111011011010110010100101110. Scholar pose!Good night (01100111011011110110111101100100) Bad night (011000100110000101100100)
(555):
Hello, woman whose man could smell like me. We met last night on a horse. You asked me to text you and remind you that your man could smell like me. God speed, woman whose man could smell like me.Good night (22) Bad night (534)
(555):
Do not be alarmed by the horde of zombies outside your door. I am on my way. Look to the sky for a sleigh pulled by robot unicorns.Good night (23) Bad night (912)
(555):
Alyssa Milano has rejected my proposal of marriage, despite the 200 white doves, sky writing, and 1 perfect rose petal cultivated from the Forgotten Valley in Tibet where no man before I had ever tread. After drowning my sorrows in a stein of Old Spice flavored vodka, I must report that Alyssa Milano is not, in fact, the boss. Have sent perfect rose petals to Justine Bateman, Danica McKellar, Suzanne Somers, and Kirk Cameron.Good night (100) Bad night (6532)
(555):
There is a wrong way to land on a horse.Good night (32) Bad night (4392)
(555):
My apologies for standing you up. Christmas Eve is a very busy night for me, as I will be spending it sliding my slim physique down chimneys to provide bath products and handsomeness to all the world’s children. Happy holidays, ladies.Good night (452) Bad night (2375)
(555):
I'm on a blog.Good night (3209) Bad night (12)