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“Jeeves, we must do something!” I announced, while changing for dinner.
“Indeed, sir?”
“Yes, right away. What do you suggest?”
Jeeves looked up from the tie he was straightening. “I cannot say, sir, if you don’t tell me the problem.”
I should probably explain the circs before going any further with the conversation. It was only the purest motive that drove me to request Jeeves’ aid. I’d smelled this sort of thing before, and the old whiffer was always on alert for unwanted engagements. Though this had nothing to do with my own engaged state, as I wasn’t yet e. Little did I know, there were already dastardly plans afoot. Let me find a more suitable beginning, and we’ll get all of this cleared up in two ticks.
Avalon Manor was a rather spiffy place, though the name was a bit too highhanded for my taste, and if I didn’t miss my guess, it didn’t set well for my man Jeeves, either. Still, there are all sorts of places and people with unfortunate names, and we don’t feel it necessary to judge them, do we? Avalon Manor had plenty of other bally good points to recommend it, and there were worse places to spend a pleasant holiday. The problem wasn’t the house or the grounds but rather, the occupants. They were, to this Wooster’s eye, quite irregular, though a friendly set. Sir Uther had the sort of steely stare that would reduce lesser men to quivering masses, what? But his son, Arthur, was quite sporting, and we seemed to be of a like mind, especially when it came to the question of marriage. He was an unlikely but welcome ally in the battle, and really, smashing good fun.
If the only inhabits at Avalon Manor were yours truly, young Mr. Pendragon, Jeeves, and Arthur’s strange man, Merlin, then this story would be quite a different one. But it’s a dashed odd world we live in, and often things don’t go the way they’re supposed to. The reason for this unfortunate circumstance is that peculiar breed sent to plague men in general, and Bertram Wooster in particular. Aunts and uncles. I was blessed with an abundance of those types, and all of them were apparently blessed with the notion that if they could not escape the bonds of matrimonial bliss, than their blot of a nephew should not either. No corner was safe, not even my Aunt Dahlia, who was the most sporting of the group.
The number residing at Avalon included Sir Uther’s ward, Morgana LeFey, who was a formidable woman, and la Bassett, who had developed a taste for poetry readings, and now indulged herself in her newfound passion with great alacrity and little warning. No matter where a person went, there was one or the other. Arthur wasn’t safe, either, and that is how I came to learn that we were of a kind. We were having a picnic with the fillies, and while la Bassett cooed about the endless beauty of the flowers, young Pendragon looked at me with such long-suffering despair, I knew I must do something.
“Very good, Jeeves. I mean, we must do something to help young Arthur. He’s like one of those furry creatures who’ll maim themselves to escape a trap. You know the one I mean?”
“I believe you’re referring to a fox, sir. And what trap has captured him?”
“Madeline Bassett of course! The two of them are meant to come to an understanding, I wager.”
“Yes, it is well known in the servants’ quarters that Sir Uther intends his son to marry Ms. Bassett.”
“See! As I said, Jeeves, something must be done.”
“Has Mr. Pendragon indicated he wished for your assistance, sir?”
“Not yet.”
“Then can I suggest it would be wise to avoid getting involved with other’s personal entanglements?”
“Are you saying we should do nothing?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Come now, Jeeves, it’s not like you to leave some poor blighter to suffer an unkind fate.”
“I’m afraid that I can’t condone offering assistance when none has been requested, sir.”
“Jeeves, it’s Madeline Bassett! If he hasn’t asked for help yet, it’s only because he hasn’t realized he’s going to need it.”
“Sir, if Mr. Pendragon does not come to an understanding with Ms. Bassett, she may cast her eye towards other appropriate suitors.”
The thing you must know about Jeeves is that when he’s right, he’s quite right. And this did present an obstacle in my otherwise noble plan. It would be a delicate matter to extricate Arthur from an engagement while avoiding entanglement in the nuptial net myself. It was quite the conundrum, and without Jeeves’ capable and steadying guidance, one fraught with danger. The old onion was so tied up in Arthur’s unfortunate circs that I didn’t see the trap with B. W. W.’s name on it until I felt it snap close around my ankle.
The cook at Avalon was very good. Not quite as good as Anatole, but then, Jeeves wasn’t even as good as Anatole, and the food was still brilliant. I was rather enjoying the mysteries of an onion and leek soup when Sir Uther stood and forced everybody’s attention.
“I have an important announcement to make.”
“Here it comes,” I muttered under my breath to Arthur, who was sitting on my right and seemed quite intent on his own bowl of the hearty soup. Well, I resolved, I must help him, even if Jeeves wasn’t of the mind to. I’d been getting good coves out of stickier situations since before Jeeves came along, after all.
There was quite a bit more speechifying, which didn’t have any of the heartiness or saltiness of the soup. To be honest, I have no idea of what was said because the s. really was quite brilliant, and I was full of sorrowful feelings for Arthur. It was the sound of my own name that pulled the old bean from the briny depths.
A heavy boot suddenly landed on my foot, and I realized everybody at the table was looking in my general direction. Including Morgana, who had a frosty gleam in her eye.
“Bertram,” Aunt Dahlia whispered.
I frantically sought the room for Jeeves, hoping he would be able to communicate some clue as to what I missed, but when I found him, he only gazed back with his stuffed frog face, and I knew circs were bally dire. In fact, there was only one thing that could give him reason to look so soupy.
“Merlin, fill my glass. I’d like to toast the happy couple.”
My blood ran cold. Interesting phrase that. You see it all the time in mysteries. Somebody’s blood is always turning into ice, but I always took it as a poet flourish, if that’s the word I mean, and not something truly meant. But as I looked across the table to my new fiancé, the sensation was quite specific and forceful. I turned to a solid block of ice, and even the digits refused to respond. Somewhere deep inside, a voice railed quite indignantly, but my uncooperative tongue refused to form so much as an “I say.”
Things were quickly turning from bad to worse, but as Merlin, Arthur’s valet, leaned forward to refill his master’s glass, he knocked the goblet and wine flew everywhere. Sir Uther, who was still on his feet, bellowed something about clumsy servants. Which is only flustered the poor boy more, and his wayward limb managed to send the pitcher flying as well. Chaos erupted, and in the storm of apologies, tears, and shouting that followed, Jeeves quietly took me by the wrist and pulled me to safety.
“Jeeves.”
“I understand, sir,” Jeeves said, shutting the dining room door behind us.
It was a dashed lucky thing that Merlin managed to spill wine all over the table, thus granting me a temporary reprieve.
“It was a dashed lucky thing that he spilled all that wine, wasn’t it, Jeeves?”
“Quite fortunate, sir.”
“You’ve never spilled anything on anybody, have you?”
“No, sir.”
“Sorry, old thing. I didn’t mean any offense by it.”
“None was taken, sir.”
“Of course I know you would never be so clumsy.”
“It is heartening of you to say so, sir.”
“In fact, I’ve never met a servant as clumsy as Merlin,” I said amiably, checking over my shoulder to make sure nobody of the auntly persuasion was following us. “Don’t they usually train gentlemen’s personal gentlemen not to be clumsy?”
“I believe the young man has had no personal training in the area.”
“Well, the Agency wouldn’t send somebody who didn’t have training, would they? Even if they would send somebody who nicks socks.”
“I don’t believe he was employed through the Agency, sir. There are other ways to procure a valet.”
“Am I to take it from your soupy tone that you don’t approve of these other ways?”
“It is not my place to approve or disapprove, sir.”
“Still it’s strange,” I pressed.
“Would you like to wear your red pyjamas tonight, sir?” Jeeves asked, once we were safely ensconced in my room.
I brightened, the scene over dinner forgotten. “You remembered to pack them?”
“I did, sir.”
“And you wouldn’t mind if I wore them? I know how they insult your eyes.”
“I don’t find them particularly insulting. I’ll have them prepared when you finish with your bath.”
“Did you pack Benjamin, too?”
Jeeves actually looked affronted at the question. I took that as my answer.
“You always know just how to cheer me up, old thing. Did you know of Aunt Dahlia’s game?”
“When I learned that Sir Uther’s ward was not only of marriageable age, but also in line for quite a substantial inheritance upon said occasion, I deduced that Mrs. Travers might have reason to obscure the true reason behind her invitation.”
“Does that mean that big brain of yours has already brooded over a plan for getting me out of this mess?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Brilliant, Jeeves! You are truly a marvel. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
That soothed his ruffled feathers from the earlier question re: yellow duckies, and he graced me with a smile. A Jeeves smile, you understand, so it was only a fraction of an approximation of a normal smile, but I still caught it.
“As you’ve often said, sir.”
I’ve often said it because it’s nothing less than the God’s truth. I couldn’t even imagine the shape of my world without the structure Jeeves provided, every second of every day. It wasn’t just the cooking or the ironing or all the other millions of things he did. I knew I could lose everything and be fine as long as I didn’t lose him, too. He was wonderful according to every metric that could be used to measure wonder, and I knew Bertram Wooster’s life was quite safe as long as it remained in Jeeves’ capable hands.
#
I fully expected Merlin to be dismissed by the next morning, and the prospect distressed me. After all, his unfortunate accident had bought me quite a bit of time to ruminate over the situation, and though a good valet should never be clumsy, one should overlook these little accidents when considering the bigger picture of faithful service. But not everybody is as broadminded as myself, and if I had to use my new influence at Avalon Manor to save the boy’s job, I’d do so quite happily.
But Jeeves assured me as he helped me dress that Merlin had been spotted that morning, preparing the customary tray for Arthur, who chose to take his breakfast privately instead of with the family.
“Very strange,” I mused as Jeeves buttoned my cuffs. “What do you make of it, Jeeves?”
“I couldn’t say, sir.”
“Have you thought of a way to throw Morgana off the scent?”
“The young lady herself might be of some assistance, sir. There are certain rumors regarding Ms. LeFey and a young man in Sir Uther’s employ, Leon.”
“And Morgana wishes to marry this Leon?”
“That is the talk amongst the servants, sir.”
“But he’s not of the nobless?”
“No, sir. Sir Uther no doubt considers him unworthy of his ward.”
“Well, it seems clear what we must do, Jeeves.”
“Yes, sir?”
“We must convince Sir Uther that Morgana should be allowed to marry this Leon of hers. Then I’ll be in the free and clear and we’ll live to fight another day.”
“Yes, sir, though Sir Uther is a notoriously stubborn and proud man. To be honest, I was surprised to hear of his association with Mrs. Travers. Mrs. Gregson seems more sympathetic to his outlook.”
I sighed. “And you can’t convince Aunt Agatha of anything she doesn’t already believe to be true.”
“No, sir.”
“Dash it, Jeeves! There must be a way. There’s always a way. That big brain of yours ought to find it.”
“I shall endeavor to do my best.”
Satisfied my problem was all but solved, I ankled it down to the garden, where I reasoned I could stay well hidden until lunch. I knew I couldn’t avoid Aunt Dahlia or Sir Uther forever, as one never can elude one’s executioners for long, but I could delay the inevitable. And in the process, buy some time for Jeeves to do whatever it was Jeeves did to come up with his brilliant schemes. I spent a goodly amount of time alone with my thoughts before the sound of voices from beyond the next hedge row caught my attention. I listened carefully until I ascertained that the voices belonged only to Arthur and Merlin, and I didn’t need to fear Morgana leaping out at me without warning.
Eager to thank Merlin for his inadvertent assistance, I rounded the corner, only to find the two men in the midst of a heated, if whispered, row.
“I thought you were going to do something,” Merlin said, and it was his tone, more than his words, that shocked me. “Don’t you realize that you’re next in line?”
“I tried. But if she wants to marry him…”
“She doesn’t want to marry him, and you promised her you’d talk Uther out of it.”
Uther?! My word. I tried to imagine, just as a little brain exercise, Jeeves referring to Aunt Agatha has anything other than Mrs. Gregson, and my mind couldn’t contort itself into the necessary position to even conceive such a thing. I had only recently successfully imagined the sound of my own name on Jeeves’ lips. It would be very low, and very sweet, and positively infused with emotion I was sure Jeeves capable of, even if I’d never seen direct evidence of it.
“I tried to talk to him, but you know how he is. He’s gotten it into his head that we should be married off, and no amount of arguing will sway him.”
That was rather bad news.
“So what are you going to do when he announces your engagement to that Bassett woman? Are you going to raise your glass and smile like nothing’s wrong?”
“Of course not. You know I won’t do that.”
“Do I?” Merlin sighed and dropped to the ground. Just like that. One second he was standing, and the next he was sprawled out on the grass like an oblivious puppy. His face was the perfect picture of discontent, and I didn’t need to see his eyes to sense his barely restrained emotion.
“Are you saying you doubt me?”
“No, it’s just…what will become of me if you marry her?”
“We won’t find out. But Merlin…” Here Arthur settled on the ground beside Merlin. “You know I would never let anything take you from me. Not even if I got married.”
“I couldn’t stand to see you married, Arthur.” Merlin wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, and I have to say, I was not left unmoved by his sorrow. Would Jeeves feel the same tender emotions if I ever became locked in an engagement I couldn’t break? “I couldn’t stay.”
“Then I guess I’ll just have to ensure that I don’t get married.”
I decided not to impose my company upon them or eavesdrop any longer. I was already feeling a touch of guilt for the portion of the conversation I’d overheard, as it was clearly an intensely personal one. I would be quite put out if anybody stood around and listened to my personal conversations with Jeeves. It just wasn’t sporting. But it had served a purpose, and now I felt I had the necessary information to coax Jeeves into assisting me with my as-yet-unhatched plan to save Arthur from la Bassett’s grasp.
An unexpected gesture from Arthur towards Merlin arrested my attention before I could toddle away. He touched Merlin’s cheek with more tenderness than I believed a man like Arthur could possess, and then they kissed. Kissed! The old bean nearly stopped working at that, the wheels seizing with too many thoughts to think at once. They were quite a sight, though, with the sun streaming over Arthur’s blond hair, and Merlin’s cheeks turning pink from pleasure—or perhaps the effect of too much sun. Either way, they were both quite enthusiastic about the caress.
I turned away before the situation got completely indecent. Not that the s. wasn’t i. enough, but I had no wish to see more. I took myself up to Jeeves straight away, eager to update him on all I’ve learned.
“Jeeves, I’ve just seen the most peculiar thing in the garden.”
Jeeves didn’t look intrigued by my most intriguing announcement. “Indeed, sir?”
“Indeed, yes. Arthur was there with Merlin, who said some rather impertinent things about Sir Uther.”
“Yes, the young man does have a tendency to speak his mind, doesn’t he?”
“He is rather familiar with the household. But there was something else, Jeeves. Arthur and Merlin appear to be…” I leaned forward and whispered, in case an aunt with sharp ears should happen across the door just as the word left my lips. “Inverts.”
“Yes, sir,” Jeeves responded calmly, as though I’d announced nothing more shocking than that the two men enjoyed golfing together.
“You knew?”
“It was not difficult to surmise, sir. The young Merlin has absolutely no skill when it comes to being a valet, and little knowledge of being a servant. Even Mr. Pendragon comments often on how…useless he is, sir.”
“So it’s a ruse,” I surmised. “Merlin isn’t a personal gentleman at all.”
“It is not an uncommon situation for men like Mr. Pendragon.” Jeeves straightened from the shirt he was steaming and turned it over on the board, each movement economical.
“But they could be…well, they could be arrested, couldn’t they?”
“Or worse. This sort of relationship is not undertaken lightly. It is fraught with danger from many sides. There are a number of people who would see their relationship as an opportunity for personal profit.”
“Personal profit? Blackmail, you mean? Good lord! Can you imagine the sort who would do something so rummy, Jeeves?”
“No, sir. Does this mean you will not inform Sir Uther of what you witnessed?”
“Of course not. Judging by how incompetent Merlin is, it must be love’s light shining from Arthur’s eyes. He’d be sacked by now, otherwise.”
“That seems most probable, sir.”
“Love’s a funny thing, Jeeves.”
“So all the great poets say, sir.”
That afternoon, with my eyes open to the truth of the world, I came to a new understanding about many facts I’d previously observed without special note. For example, Merlin never looks away from Arthur. He watches his master constantly. It’s all very well and good for a valet to be attentive, and Jeeves certainly sees to every need I possess before I even know I p. it, but it would be bally uncomfortable if Jeeves did nothing but stare at me all the time. Arthur kept a close eye on his valet, as well. He often watched from beneath his lashes or from the corner of his eye, but once you knew what you were looking for, it was dashed easy to spot. Did nobody else notice? How could they not?
After luncheon, Aunt Dahlia all but ordered me to walk with Morgana, and Arthur and Madeline joined us. Merlin trailed behind Arthur a few feet, giving voice to every thought that passed through his onion. It was quite distracting, though Arthur didn’t seem to mind. He never responded, but I caught him smiling more than once. Madeline just couldn’t compete, poor thing. She seemed quite taken with him, and with good reason. Arthur was a rather beautiful fellow. I’d never thought of a bird as beautiful, but Arthur was built like an Adonis.
“You’ve been awfully quiet, Bertram.”
I wished she would call me Bertie. “Oh, have I been?”
“Yes. And we have a great deal to discuss.”
“Do we?”
“It’s not every day that two people get engaged,” she said, her voice a little brittle.
“Actually…oh, you’re quite right.”
“I know we’ve only known each other a short time, but I think we could be quite happy together.”
“Oh, yes. Yes, of course, old thing. Quite happy.”
“Tonight Uther is going to announce Arthur’s engagement to Madeline,” Morgana said under her breath.
“My word, so soon after ours?” I thought there would be more time. There must have been some reason he was chomping at the bit to have them both married off to the likes of me and Madeline. “I mean, that’s great news. I’ll be the first to congratulate him.”
“Yes, great news,” Morgana said in a tone that meant it was anything but.
“Have you ever had an understanding with a young man before?”
“I’ve never been engaged before, if that’s what you’re asking.”
I watched her expectantly, hoping she would add more to the story, but she was content to leave it there. I wished I could just tell her that I knew all about her feelings for Leon, but one doesn’t just blurt that type of intelligence. No, I had to conspire for Morgana and Leon to cross paths. If I saw the two of them together and their mutual passion couldn’t be denied, then I would have the opportunity to assure Morgana that I would rather help her than hinder her happiness. Where would I find this Leon bloke? Arthur may be able to point me in the right direction. I resolved to corner him at the first chance, pleased to have a plan in place.
#
I was just sitting down for my afternoon cup of tea when a knock on the door pulled me back to my feet. While I supposed it was one of the household servants who required my attention, I was more than a bit taken aback at the sight of Merlin in the hallway. He greeted me with a bright smile and a twinkle in his eye, and something about his easy humor put me in mind of Mr. Wooster.
“Jeeves, just the person I was looking for.”
“Good afternoon, Mr. Emrys.”
Merlin made a face. “I don’t think anybody has ever called me that before in my life. Can I come in?”
“Please.”
“I hope I’m not disturbing your tea,” Merlin said, when he saw my untouched cup on the table.
“It needs to cool before it’s safe to drink.”
“Right. Well. I suppose I should just get right down to brass tacks, as they say. Morgana can’t marry Mr. Wooster.”
While I was of the same mind, the urgent note in his tone had, as Mr. Wooster would say, ruffled my feathers. “Mr. Wooster is a finely suited mate for any young lady of Ms. LeFey’s station.”
“What? Oh, well, of course he is. Don’t get me wrong, I think Bertie is great, but we can’t let the two of them go through with this. Morgana is in love with somebody else.”
“I am sorry to hear that.”
“Could you talk to him? Convince me to break the engagement?”
“I’m afraid that’s not possible,” I said, rather stiffly.
“What do you mean that’s not possible? Is he in love with her?”
Merlin, like Mr. Wooster, had no ability to mask his emotions, especially ones that descended on him swiftly. The fear in his eyes was so vivid that I momentarily wondered if both the servants and Mr. Wooster had been incorrect, and the secret love affair was really between Merlin and Morgana. I also regretted being the cause of such concern. I’m sorry to admit it, but there had once been in a time when such pleas would have left me entirely unmoved, but my master was so openhearted and generous that he often shamed me.
“Forgive me, I didn’t mean to imply that Mr. Wooster loves Ms. LeFey. However, he is a gentleman.”
Merlin stared at me blankly.
I sighed. “Mr. Wooster does not believe it gentlemanly to break engagements and break hearts.”
“But if he doesn’t, they’ll be married.”
“Yes.”
“He would rather be trapped in a marriage than break the engagement?”
“Mr. Wooster has a code.”
“So they’re stuck together forever,” Merlin said, his despair only increasing.
“There are ways to end unwanted engagements without breaking Mr. Wooster’s code or Ms. LeFey’s heart,” I pointed out. “Perhaps it would be helpful if you told me the reason why the young lady could not be wed.”
“Like I said, she loves somebody else.”
I regarded him patiently. At first, he ignored my gaze, but when he started to fidget, I knew the truth would soon be aired. Mr. Wooster fidgeted the same way just before he elected to release a weighty matter from his chest.
“It’s complicated.”
“I’ll ask for further clarification as necessary, sir,” I said in my soupiest voice.
“First off, she’s like us.”
For the life of me, I had no idea what he could be referring to. “Like us?”
“She’s magic.”
Dear me, the boy was insane! If he was lucky, Roderick Glossop would never hear him say anything like that.
“Magic, sir?”
“She’s a seer. She dreams about the future.”
“Pardon me for asking, but you said she is not like us. Why do you believe I am capable of magic?”
“Well, you’re a valet.”
“Yes, but I do not understand how that is connected with magic.”
“I don’t know. I guess I just assumed…you mean to say that you aren’t magic?”
“No, sir, I’m not magic.”
“But…how do you do so much without magic? I tried to go a whole day without using magic, and Arthur told me I was the most useless servant he’d ever met.”
“When you say magic, what are you referring to? What sort of magic?”
“Oh,” Merlin said cheerfully, “like this.”
He waved his hand at the tea, and I watched as the cup danced into the air and floated towards me, not spilling a drop of the liquid.
“That’s Arthur’s favorite. I can obviously do more, but he’s a man of simple pleasures.”
“That’s extraordinary! Where did you learn how to do that?”
“I didn’t learn.” Merlin shrugged. “I was just born with it.”
“Extraordinary,” I repeated. “But if you fear for Ms. LeFey’s safety, I assure you Mr. Wooster would keep this news to himself.” If he ever learned of it at all.
“No, that’s not what I’m worried about. Morgana wasn’t really clear on the details, but she said something terrible would happen if she and Arthur married anybody now. We have to stop both betrothals, if possible.”
Given what I knew of his feelings for the young Pendragon, I was inclined to doubt his story. He certainly had a vested interest in sending both Mr. Wooster and Ms. Bassett packing. On the other hand, he’d been telling the truth about his magic, which meant he could be equally honest about Ms. LeFey’s supposed abilities and visions. At any rate, his purpose was in accord with my own, and it would be foolish to reject whatever assistance he could provide.
“What is the relationship between Sir Uther and his ward? Is it a close one, like that between a father and a daughter?”
“Are you kidding? He dotes on her. He adores her. I guess it’s because she’s his best friend’s daughter. He died when she was quite young, and she came to live here.”
“It occurs to me that we may be able to go directly to the source of the problem.”
“You mean talk to Uther?” Merlin shook his head. “That’ll never work. He’s as stubborn as a goat. Once his mind is made up, nothing will ever change it.”
I took heed of Merlin’s warning, but one must never underestimate the power of love to move an otherwise hardened heart.
“If you trust me, Merlin, I’ll endeavor to bring this to a conclusion that is pleasing for all parties involved.”
“I trust you,” Merlin said quickly. “But when you say all the parties…?”
“I mean, the engagement between Mr. Pendragon and Ms. Bassett will also reach an end.”
Merlin’s smile was immediate and blinding, and I felt more than a touch of sadness at the sight of it. I hoped for his sake that he learned to be a little less forthcoming. A hope I also harbored for Mr. Wooster, though I knew only the worst sort of hurt could damage a heart as giving as my master’s.
#
Two strokes of smashing good luck guaranteed that my plan would go off without the proverbial hitch. First, Leon was actually employed as a chauffeur at the Manor, so he was readily available. Second, Arthur truly was game for just about anything. I had a mind to invite him to the Drones, should he ever find himself in London. He had an air of seriousness about him the other coves would no doubt find off-putting at first, but he had a mind for strategy, and that’s what that lot badly needed. He was a good sight better than the Barmies and the Gussies and the Bingos when it came to dreaming up corking wheezes.
Between the two of us, we decided on a two-pronged approach, and the tasks were divvied up accordingly. He and Leon were mates as children, and he approved of the match. He also agreed my notion to bring them together was a good one, based on sound principles. That was another reason why I liked Arthur. Not only had he a mind for strategy, he recognized good plans when he heard them. Morgana always spent the afternoon in Uther’s study, claiming it had the best light to paint by. That was where the fateful meeting with her young suitor would take place.
I didn’t have time to catch Jeeves up with the current stratagem, if that’s the word I’m thinking of, and for the first time since I arrived at Avalon , Merlin wasn’t mimicking Arthur’s shadow. Not that I needed Jeeves’ approval for my schemes. Not the really corking ones, at any rate. This, as far as I could tell, had no chance for failure. Arthur was equally optimistic, and we put the pieces of the plan into motion at five minutes to three.
My part in this first prong was easy enough. All I had to do was lie down on the chesterfield and pretend to nap. Leon would then arrive in response to a fake summons sent to the servant’s quarters by Arthur. He’d burst into the room, find Morgana where he expected to see Arthur, and in his joy and shock, it would all come spilling from his mouth. Arthur had assured me that Leon was quite sharp, and would be Johnny on the spot with the right words to woo his favored lady. Then I would pop up and the sight of the two of them in love’s passionate embrace would give me no choice but to break off the engagement. Then would begin the plan’s second prong.
Like I said, this was entirely failsafe.
I reclined on the chesterfield with my hands cradling the back of my head, my foot twitching to the beat of the little tune humming around my head. I hadn’t tickled the ivory once since our arrival to Avalon , which meant I was positively stuffed up with music. Arthur had assured me Morgana would make her appearance at no later than three, but ten minutes after the hour, I was still waiting for the click of the door and the clatter of her setting up her easel. Soon, it occurred to me that this really was a dashed good place to catch forty winks. It was comfortable and quiet, and the late afternoon sun poured into the room and warmed me like a cat. I was particularly susceptible to the dangers presented by the situation due to an unfortunate lack of sleep the night before. Even with my red pyjamas, I found I rarely slept well the night of an engagement. It put too many thoughts in my skull for a proper sleep. Wondering just what a Wooster would do without his Jeeves is enough to keep even the hardiest soul up until dawn, for example.
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, I fell right asleep. When I settled down, the sun was almost hitting me directly in the face, but when I opened my eyes again, all but my shoes had been cast into shadow. But I ascertained quickly that I wasn’t alone. I might not have been interested in love myself, but I was no stranger to the acts of amour, and I recognized the sound of labial pleasure when I heard it. I should have popped up then, but it seemed bally unsporting to spring my presence on them when I had no idea just how much time had passed since the two lovers’ arrival.
“Please, meet me tonight,” Morgana said.
“You know I can’t.” The answer came in a much lower, harsh whisper. It could have been anyone in the room with her. “God, don’t you think this is hard enough? Seeing you married to him? He’s an idiot.”
Well, the nerve of that blighter! Here I was, going out of my way to help him, and this is what he thinks of me? And what right did he have to be so insulting towards a man he’d never met?
“Bertram’s heart is in the right place.”
“He’s just as daft as Arthur’s boy.”
I say! That was completely uncalled for, given the circumstances, and I was just about to pop up and say as much when the masculine voice whispered, “Tonight in the arbor. At midnight.”
“I’ll be there,” Morgana promised.
Well, that was all right then. We would be done with her long before midnight, if she wanted to meet her lover. The door clicked shut, and I heard the expected clatter of the easel. I couldn’t very well expose myself then, so I settled in to finish the rest of my nap. I woke up with the feeling that I hadn’t done more than blink my eyes when somebody knocked on the door, and I heard Morgana say Leon’s name. But I was feeling blurry from my aborted nap, and when there was none of the expected cheer and excitement, I passed it off as a dream and dropped back to my doze.
The atmosphere at dinner was drippy, to say the least. Afraid of putting my foot into it, I once again happily concentrated on the food. Morgana, perhaps still overwhelmed by her secret afternoon tryst, or knotted in excitement over her midnight meeting, pushed her food around her plate and couldn’t be engaged by any attempts at conversation. Sir Uther glowered at the head of the table, as sore as a bear with a rotten tooth. Arthur and Merlin were distracted by their staring contest, though Arthur was being much less subtle than before. Desperate for any normalcy, I found myself looking to Jeeves more and more often, until I began to understand the benefits of a continuous stare. It certainly would have been less exhausting if I didn’t have to pretend that anything in that room interested me as much as my man. Aunt Dahlia and Madeline kept the conversation rolling between the two of them, and I was dashed grateful for it, too. Otherwise, the table would have been too dour and sullen, and that’s bad for digestion.
When we made it through dessert without Uther announcing the engagement between la Bassett and Arthur, I could have cheered. Another bit of good luck! Oh, if only my usual messes were this easy to handle. Despite my mid-afternoon nap, I knew I’d sleep well that night.
“Jeeves, I hope you haven’t overly exhausted yourself on my account,” I said, while Jeeves served me my nightcap. “Your young master has been hard at work.”
“Really, sir?”
“Yes, really! And it’s been a smashing success, if I say so myself. The plan was really quite easy to put together once I enlisted Arthur’s help.”
“Plan, sir?”
“Yes, our grand plan. Double-pronged, of course, as all great plans are. In fact,” I said, as I checked my watch, “the second stage should be beginning right now.”
“May I enquire upon the specifics of your plan?”
“Of course. It’s really quite simple. I feel that’s the problem with all my other plans, Jeeves. They really were too complicated to work out properly. But that’s what you’ve taught me. One must always be as simple-minded as possible.”
“I’m flattered, sir.”
I waved my hand. “You know I didn’t mean it that way, Jeeves.”
“As you say, sir. I am still waiting patiently for the details of this simple-minded plan.”
“Right. Well, I couldn’t very well tell Ms. LeFey that I knew of her secret feelings for Leon the Chauffer, so I thought it would be best to trap them together. Once alone, they would have no choice but to act on their love, and as I’d witness the whole thing, I could then use that as an excuse to end the engagement. Clever, what?”
“Indubitably, sir. And did you catch Ms. LeFey in said passionate embrace?”
“Almost, Jeeves. An unfortunate, if rather pleasant, nap overtook me and I only caught the tail end. But it was enough.”
“Is she aware you were in the room at the time, sir?”
“No. But I’ll inform her of it in the morning. Don’t bother with the bedclothes right now, Jeeves. I’m not turning in.”
“Does that have anything to do with the second prong of your plan?”
“Precisely. Madeline has to see that Arthur’s heart is already engaged.”
Jeeves’ face flickered with concern. “And how do you intend to demonstrate that fact?”
“Tonight she will overhear Arthur announce his devotion to Morgana. Realizing that she doesn’t have a claim on his heart, she will naturally chill to the notion of marriage. She’ll abscond from Avalon , never knowing that it was all a performance.”
“Very good, sir. But what of Ms. LeFey and Leon? Do you have a prong for that particular wrinkle?”
“Arthur assures me that if he has a good chat with Sir Uther, that will be straightened out in a jiffy. But Jeeves, just to be on the safe side, we should be ready to travel before breakfast in the morning.”
“I will be prepared, sir.”
“Very good, Jeeves.” I ducked my head out the door to make sure the coast was clear, and then slipped from the room, eager to meet up with Arthur and put the final part of the plan into motion.
There was a spot in the corner of the garden where Arthur and Morgana had apparently spent a great deal of time as children. Arthur had arranged to meet Morgana and Madeline there at approximately the same time. As far as spots went for secret rendezvous, it was topping.
“Where’s Merlin?” I asked, once we escaped the house.
Arthur frowned. “I don’t know. He’s made himself scarce all day.”
“How long has he been in your employ?”
“A little over a year now.”
“Did the Agency send him over?” I asked, even though I knew the answer.
“No. He came to me on the recommendation of a good friend.”
“A recommendation?” It didn’t seem possible, but I masked the shock in my voice. Or at least I tried to.
“I know what you’re thinking. He’s the worst servant I have ever had in my life. The worst servant anybody’s ever had, I’m sure. But…” Arthur rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t know what I’d do without him. I know how that sounds…”
“Don’t trouble your mind, old thing. I feel exactly the same way about Jeeves.”
“Exactly the same way?” Arthur asked.
“Of course,” I chirped.
“If I get married, Merlin will resign.”
“That’s the way of things,” I said sagely. How many times had I imagined that nightmare scenario? Not Merlin resigning. I’d never once imagined Merlin resigning. I mean Jeeves, of course. Should the day ever come that Jeeves has reason to leave me, I hope I’m capable of accepting the news with a modicum of dignity and grace. “But don’t fear. After tonight, Madeline will be a distant memory.”
“But there’s going to be another one after that. And another and another.” Arthur sighed. “As long my father is alive.”
“It won’t even stop after that if you have aunts. You don’t happen to have any aunts, do you?”
“I have an uncle.”
“Almost as bad. Jeeves has helped me escape countless engagements. He’s really quite clever.”
Arthur snorted. “I wish Merlin was half that clever. He’s usually an idiot.”
The words reminded me of the earlier insult at my person, and I found I had to defend Merlin from obvious slander. Clearly, if he was as smart as Wooster, B., he didn’t deserve to be called an idiot by the one person who should be kind to him.
“I’m sure you underestimate him. He seems quite a sporting chap.”
“He spilled wine all over you yesterday night.”
“What’s that saying? No harm, no fowl? Though why chickens would be involved, I’m not sure. Either way, think nothing of it. He did me a good turn, anyway.”
“Do you ever find it…difficult?” Arthur asked with care placed on each word.
“Find what difficult?”
“You know.”
“I assure you, I don’t know.”
Arthur sighed. “Being in love with your servant.”
It was on the tip of my tongue to inform him that B.W.W. was not in love with anybody, thank you very much, but the rest of his statement caught up with me. My servant? Did he think I was enamored with Jeeves? Was I enamored with Jeeves? Just the morning before, I would have dismissed the notion out of hand. Men couldn’t fall in love with other men, and this man couldn’t fall in love with women, thus, I wasn’t in love with anybody. But what if a bloke could fancy another bloke? Jeeves already took care of me, and having a wife present would only muck up the easy rhythm of our life together. Jeeves also had the added advantage of being utterly and astoundingly perfect in every way. When you thought of it that way, it would be more difficult to avoid falling in love with him.
“No,” I answered in full honesty. “It’s the easiest thing in the world.”
“But…even though he’s…common?” I could almost hear Uther’s voice echoing through the word.
“The heart wants what the heart wants, what? Now I know not everybody is as broadminded as you and I, but we can’t help where we’re born, can we? Merlin could have just as easily been Sir Uther’s son, if you think about it.”
Arthur tilted his head, giving the matter some thought. “You know, Bertie, you’re absolutely right. You’re very wise.”
“Thank you,” I said, my good feelings for Arthur only growing. “I’m glad somebody around here sees it.”
By then we’d reached the spot where Arthur had arranged his meetings, and I nipped off behind a low hedge. My direct participation wasn’t necessary in the proceedings, but I still wanted to be there to witness it when everything came together.
#
“I can’t find Arthur!” Merlin announced, doing away with the formality of knocking and waiting for an invitation to enter.
“I believe you’ll find him in the garden with Mr. Wooster.”
“The garden? What on earth is he doing in the garden?”
“The second prong of the plan.”
“The…second prong…of the plan?” Merlin asked slowly. “What plan? What prong?”
“Oh, you’re not familiar with the infamous plan? Mr. Pendragon and Mr. Wooster have shown remarkable initiative and conspired to rid themselves of their unwanted engagements.”
“Please tell me you know the particulars of the plan.”
“Yes, Mr. Wooster was rather forthcoming. He explained that Mr. Pendragon would fool Ms. Bassett by declaring his amorous intentions to Ms. LeFey.”
“Is Morgana at least aware of the plan?”
“It wasn’t clear to me.”
“Wait…if that’s the second prong, what was the first?”
“They arranged for Leon to meet Ms. LeFey while she spent her afternoon painting. Mr. Wooster reasoned if he caught Ms. LeFey and Leon enjoying each other’s company, she would be willing to break the engagement.”
“Catch them?” Merlin looked positively winded at that, and I stepped forward to catch him just before his legs gave out. “Oh my God. Whatever made them think this would ever work?”
“I cannot say, sir. Is it right to think that perhaps Ms. LeFey’s affections are not reserved for Leon, as previously indicated?”
“No. It became known that Morgana had some sort of secret affair, so I spread the rumor that it was Leon. It was either that or risk the truth coming out. You don’t think Bertram knows, do you?” Merlin’s face betrayed such anguish at the thought that I felt it necessary to reassure him that my employer knew very little about the situation. That had the opposite effect than what I intended, however.
“Oh, Jeeves, what am I going to do? Morgana knows.”
“Knows what?”
I had never seen such a look of exasperation before in my life.
“I’m sure she would never—“
“You don’t know her,” Merlin said flatly. “She’s been blackmailing me for the past three months. She said if anybody finds out about her…indiscretion, she’ll go to the papers about Arthur.”
I wish I could say I was shocked to hear it, but I’ve been witness to too many events that played out exactly like this one. I had felt a small pang of jealousy when Mr. Wooster told me what he witnessed between Mr. Pendragon and Merlin. It was no less than what I’d wished for myself and my master since I came into his employ. But they were both young men, and they had the nerve to throw their caution to the wind. I might have been willing to risk it for myself, but I would never, ever consider placing Mr. Wooster into such an untenable and dangerous situation.
“If you reveal the specifics of her indiscretion, I promise I will not betray your confidence.”
“I know you won’t. It’s Uther.”
“I can see why she believes it’s necessary to guard her secret by threatening Arthur’s life.”
“I’m scared with those two blundering around they’re going to stumble over the truth sooner or later. Then Morgana might feel she has no choice but to tell everybody and…” Merlin’s voice caught, revealing the depth of his distress. “I promised Arthur I’d take care of him. I promised him I wouldn’t let anything happen to him.”
“And nothing shall. Come with me.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Has Sir Uther or Ms. LeFey made any effort to find an appropriate suitor for Ms. LeFey prior to this weekend?”
Merlin shook his head. “No. One minute everything’s fine, and the next, Dahlia Travers is showing up to play matchmaker. Like they were in a big hurry.”
Yes, they did seem to be in a spectacular rush. Mr. Wooster was regularly plunging into these sorts of situations, but the women he fell in and out of understandings with were often from his own social circle. In many cases, they had been playmates as children.
“What about Mr. Pendragon? Has Sir Uther indicated before this weekend that he wished to marry his son off?”
“No. Arthur was completely blindsided. But he won’t stand up for himself when it comes to his father. I guess you could say that he has a code, too.”
“I understand. I find when it comes to managing Mr. Wooster’s affairs, prevention is far more expedient than searching for a cure.”
“Please say that means we’re going to stop the plan.”
“That is precisely what it means.”
#
“Psst, Arthur.” I stood to stretch my legs. It was dashed difficult to crouch behind a hedge for any meaningful amount of time. Especially if I hadn’t already spent an entire afternoon and evening drinking at the Drones. “Shouldn’t she be here by now?”
Arthur looked around. “I thought so. Actually, where’s Madeline? It’s not like her to be late.”
I knew from experience that Madeline was all too punctual. “How strange.”
“Do you suppose they got lost?”
“Madeline must have done, but I thought you said Morgana would know the spot.”
“She should know the spot. I told her to meet me where we used to play because I had something important to tell her. But…maybe she didn’t understand.”
“Did you two have any other special spots?”
Arthur pursed his lips, considering the question, and I took the opportunity to study his mouth. As far as labial models went, it was top of the line. Would I like to kiss those lips? Possibly, they did appear to be very soft. But now that I was allowing my mind to flow in that direction, it wasn’t Arthur’s various attributes that I wanted to consider.
“I know.” Arthur snapped his fingers. “The arbor.”
“Let’s wait for her there.”
“All right. But wait, what if Madeline shows up here looking for me?”
“Then I’ll simply tell her that I happened to see you ambulating in that direction.”
Arthur smiled very brightly at that, slugged my arm with more force than was technically warranted, and hurried off into the dark. When I couldn’t see him anymore, I leaned against a tree and inspected my nails in the moonlight, whistling under my breath. It was dashed pleasant outdoors that time of night, not to mention the time of year. Would Jeeves like it? Or would he find moonlit walks too frivolous? They were rather f., but nice, too. Or so I’d expect, if you were with the right person. Then I supposed you could just toddle along some winding path and never say a word, but still feel like you’ve managed to share everything. That seemed like a very nice thing to have.
I was just settling my resolve on requesting Jeeves’ company for a moonlit walk sometime in the near future when I heard the shout. There’s always a particular second after you hear a shout like that where the brain splits in two. Half argues it’s best to run in the other direction and raise an alarm. The other half points out there may not be time for alarm raising if danger is nigh. This time, though, I ran without hesitation. I knew the shout had come from my new friend, and I was most interested in assisting him in any way I could.
My imagination, fed for years on ripping mysteries full of murder and intrigue, instantly jumped to wild conclusions. Jeeves warned me about that, but I never listened to him. Not even when a particularly intense story unsettles my dreams. But now that I felt I was rushing headlong into my own death, I wish I had given him more heed. I would have at least liked to be surprised by the knife-wielding-monster waiting for me around the hedge.
“Arthur? Are you okay?” I asked, hurrying to his side once I spotted his form in the silvery light. “Arthur?”
He pointed soundlessly at something in front of us.
“Arthur? I can’t understand you. Speak up, man!”
He grunted and pointed more insistently. Concluding I’d get no useful information from him, I turned my head. The sight that greeted me made me wish it had been a knife-wielding-monster.
“Good lord!”
Suddenly, the events in the study that afternoon made a great deal more sense. It wasn’t Morgana and Leon I had overheard, but rather Morgana and Sir Uther!
“I say, is it already midnight?” I asked, taking out my watch. “Oh, look, so it is.”
“Bertie, did you know about this?” Arthur asked tightly.
“Well, I knew she was meeting somebody at the arbor at midnight, but I thought it was Leon.”
Uther roused himself from his shock long enough to shout. “Leon? Are you going behind my back with the chauffer?”
“Of course not,” Morgana shot back sourly. “That was just a rumor Merlin put around.” She smiled slowly, and I’m not ashamed to say that it made my knees tremble. Aunt Dahlia had conspired to wed me off to a woman who could smile like that? “Speaking of Merlin, where is he?”
“Merlin?” Arthur choked out. “What does Merlin have to do with any of this?”
“Me and Merlin had a little deal. If he kept my secret, I’d keep his. And yours.”
“Well, that is something All of this time, we thought you were really in love with Leon and being forced into a marriage you didn’t want, when it turns out that you really loved Uther…hold up a minute. Why were you so keen for her to marry me?”
“I don’t want her to marry you, you imbecile,” Uther said in his customary growl. Honestly, I wondered if that harmed his throat at all. You can’t just go wondering around growling at everybody all the time.
“Don’t talk to him that way,” Arthur said, stepping forward. “You drag him into this mess without even asking if he wants to be here, and then you have the nerve to call him an imbecile? Why did you even call him here?”
“I believe I can answer that question,” a voice said from behind me.
“Jeeves! Am I ever happy to see you. And Merlin, old thing! Are you feeling quite well? You look green.”
Arthur turned around at that, taking his horrified gaze from his father for the first time. At the sight of Merlin’s pinched and sickly face, he sprang forward and enveloped the thinner boy in an embrace that was as heartfelt as tender. I’d never given a thought to hugs one way or the other, since no friends or family had ever thought to bestow one on me. What would Jeeves think if I asked him for one? A question I would have to answer at a later date. Now there were more pressing issues to attend to.
“Well, Jeeves, what has your brilliant mind discovered?”
“That Ms. LeFey is currently with child.”
“With child?” I gasped. “But I never touched her!”
“It’s Uther’s,” Merlin said, pulling away from Arthur. “I’m sorry, Arthur, I wanted to tell you, but I was scared that if I did, she would try to destroy you, too. Please don’t be cross.”
“Of course I’m not cross with you.” Arthur turned back to his father. “But we need to have a very long discussion.”
“I have nothing to discuss with you.”
Arthur pulled himself up to his full height, and transformed before my eyes. Before all our eyes. Morgana lost her arctic smile, Uther backed down a half-step, Jeeves tilted his head like he did when presented with a variable he hadn’t accounted for, and I’m sure I gawped like a fish. But Merlin’s reaction was most interesting of all. He stepped forward, positioning himself just behind Arthur’s shoulder, his open and friendly face cast in the same stone that Arthur’s had been carved from.
“We will discuss everything, including wedding plans, tomorrow. You’ll allow Mr. Wooster to return to London, and send Mrs. Travers and Ms. Bassett back to wherever you found them, and then we’re going to have a very long conversation.”
I had the feeling it would be a very one-sided conversation.
But I took that as my cue to leave. I’m not one for overstaying my welcome, and though this sudden and brilliant transformation intrigued me, I didn’t want Jeeves to get the wrong idea.
“That was a very unpleasant experience, Jeeves,” I said, once we’d returned to the safety my room.
Jeeves sighed. “Indeed, sir.”
“What I don’t understand is, why of all the eligible bachelors in London, they chose me?”
“It’s difficult to say, sir.”
“I’m just glad that it all worked out in the end. Could you imagine being married into this family?”
“I would rather not imagine, sir.”
“Oh, no, you have a point Jeeves. This sort of thinking is liable to give a person nightmares.”
“Precisely, sir.”
I rubbed my chin thoughtfully. “That Merlin isn’t quite as idiotic as they all take him for, I’d wager.”
“No, sir, he’s certainly not. Merlin has a very…interesting mind.”
“Oh. I see.”
“What do you see, sir?”
“You like Merlin and his interesting mind.”
Jeeves stood behind me and helped pull the jacket from my shoulders. “I’d count him as a friend now, sir.”
“Well, good. Dashing good, Jeeves. You can never have too many friends, that’s what I say.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Jeeves?”
“Sir?”
“Do you think…oh never mind.”
“Do I think what, sir?”
“No, no, it’s nothing. I just need a good sleep and a stiff drink, though not in that order.”
Jeeves moved to stand in front of me, reaching up to unbutton my collar. His knuckles brushed against my chin as they did most nights, but tonight it felt different. Or maybe it felt the same as it always had, but I understood it differently. Either way, I wished he would do it again.
“You know you can ask me anything, sir. I will always provide an honest answer.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
“I don’t understand, sir.”
“Well, I was going to say, Jeeves, do you think that the two of us could be friends? I mean, if you weren’t my valet. I know that I’m not as quick as you, but we still have a corking time together, what?”
Jeeves’ mouth pursed and his eyes went up a little, and I realized I’d overstepped the boundaries. Not that I ever cared about boundaries too much, but Jeeves did. Jeeves was quite concerned with what was and wasn’t proper.
“I’m sorry, old thing, I shouldn’t have asked.”
“No, I was just…” He blinked again and I realized I had actually managed to fluster him. “Of course, we’re friends, sir.”
I smiled. “Dashing good.”
“Would you like a bath tonight, sir?”
“No, the sooner to bed, the sooner to rise, and the sooner we can get out of here.”
“As you say, sir.”