Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

“I love you.”

Life ha d not been as nice to him as to many people. He had a troubled youth, filled with poker houses and bad decisions.

He stared at his hands; back and forth for an answer to his muted question. One was perfect and pristine and one stained with a disgusting pigment that went all the way up to the left side of his chest . A stain that branded him as a freak to society. To people. To humans.

Was he allowed to have second thoughts about all that?

Allen didn’t know. He wasn’t very sure how everything worked. Life and feelings were a complicated subject with little to no explanations. Just a free fall into the abyss of the human soul. No parachute included.

Was he feeling like that before? Or that particular thing started that day? Maybe he was getting sick.

Maybe that was the reason why he was getting that foreign vertigo sensation that swirled around his empty stomach; stretching its long black arms and threatening to grasp his throat.

Vertigo. Something he forgot that existed when he was six and his stepfather asked him to leave the apartment by the window when he had visitors .

An apartment in the seventh floor, that was.

So, it was either adapting or having a heart attack at a very young age.

Yeah, maybe he was sick. After all, he couldn’t be sure that everything he ate at the school cafeteria was in the best condition.

He sighed and put his gloves on again. A security blanket that allowed him to close his eyes in front of everything that made him feel like a pariah. It was a costume and an armor. A protection from pr e ying eyes; so they couldn’t stare a t his true self and be disgusted. There was no one in the flat that could say something about the way his hands looked, but he just didn’t feel like staring at them himself.

A piece of normality to held onto.

“Or maybe you aren’t sick, and you know this is all about him.”

He was about to get up from that stupidly comfortable sofa, when the annoying voice in his head spoke. The effort was just too much now, and he let himself sink again i n the furniture.

His white hair, thin but abundant, followed his movements like f e athers, some strands falling over his face in a painfully slow motion.

-Shut up. – There was no one else t here. But being all those years alone, Allen didn’t have more choices than to learn to accept the voice as company and talk to it as well. A friend or an enemy it didn’t matter anymore. It wasn’t like it would go away, any way .

At least he was aware it was part of him and not some strange divinity message or an entirely different entity, as his therapist (who may or may not be ditched almost every time they settled an appointment) asked him once.

“Come on, buddy. You know what’s happening. You are doing the thing. You are slowly ceasing to love him. As you always do. Numb emotions in a dull body. Nothing here to see. Nothing here to feel. Just you, being abnormal.”

-Fuck you, I don’t do that. I’m not like that…–He interpreted the silence on his mind as defiance and blew air to push away the hairs that were on his face. Specifically, over his nose. –I’m not! Everything is fine! –

The voice didn’t say anything back, but his heart did. Pulling down a muscle inside his chest, as if someone squeezed it; like a big fat lemon that refuses to give its scarce juice.

-Everything is fine. –Almost a whisper. He was staring at his gloved hands again, the sunlight that leaked like celestial champagne by the glass door that went to the balcony caressing the right side of his face and his lap. Just lazy twilight light that didn’t want to leave. Just like him.

“Then, tell him you love him. Think of this as an exercise. Picture his face and say it.”

Allen frowned. He did that every day.

“Oh? You do? Really?”

He hated the condescending tone that that voice sometimes acquired. It reminded him of his stepfather and his annoying smug smile that curved around that bloody cigarette. And those eyes that accused him of being as stupid as a dead turtle... The judgment, the pity…the humiliation …He hated it.

Allen didn’t answer to it. Refusing to give the voice a chance to blame him again. Instead, he thought of every time he told Yuu he loved him those past days.

An uneventful week got displayed at his memory. In a fast forward, analytic video, he stared looking for those moments.

Moments that he realized…weren’t there, at all .

He blinked several times. The vertigo hand finally scratching the skin inside his throat; playing like a cat with a half dead mouse. Knowing that sooner or later he w ould fall completely into the sensation.

His gray eyes clouded with tears at the corner, the salty announcement of his guilt as he realized that his fear was no longer an idea, but a fact. Feelings were so, impossibly strange. Was it possible to have them all and not knowing them at all?

“You don’t tell him you love him anymore.”

It was true. He didn’t.

Allen was pretty good at lying, but he wasn’t that great at lying at himself. Maybe that was the price to pay; when you are too good at something, it just doesn’t work with you anymore. Like voodoo or baking a cake .

It wasn’t good enough.

He rested his face on his hands; rubbing them all over his skin in a habit that he always brought up when he was emotionally tired. As if he tried to mold it into another person...with another life that wasn’t his.

Had he loved him at all?

Yes.

Did he still loved him, after everything that happen? He wasn’t sure.

Love, among the other complicated emotions, was the worst. The king at the undecipherable parade.

Was every love meant to last forever? He thought about his other friends dating different people and decided it didn’t.

But, was he allowed to look down on the feelings that were poured over him being who he was? What he was? He drew a sharp breath and without really addressing it, he thought he probably wasn’t.

When do love transforms in apathy? Which one is the moment where everything vanishes? Is there a certain point, whe re you can mark it with red circle and say “ It was exactly here. This was what made me stop loving him.”? Like a bandage, rip it off; now you are not in love.

Probably not.

As far as Allen was concerned it was like getting drunk on vodka. You had one glass after another, and everything was perfectly fine. Until you got up to leave or to the bathroom and everything started spinning around like the top cart of a wild game at the carnival. And then, it hit you, “ Fu ck I’m drunk ”. But it was too late to do much.

He remembered when Yuu asked him out.

-If I win, I want something as a prize. I’m getting tired of training with you without getting something back. It’s a waste of time. –

He was confused. He paid the gym fee on point every month. Did he had to pay a special fee for training kick boxing? Was he getting advantage of his handsome trainer?

-Oh, okay then. –Allen smiled to him, starting to feel ashamed for not knowing about that. A wordless apology that was infused with confusion.

Of course, Yuu beat him. He was taller, he was faster, more experienced and he distracted him a lot with that fancy long ponytail and his determined black eyes and elegant movements. So, less than three movements later, he was laying on his back at the floor, covered in sweat and out of breath.

He was never that self-conscious at the gym before that day; as he always thought that no one would pay attention to him in big clothes and silent movements that bothered nobody. Until he saw Yuu’ s face over his, decorated with an incredible arrogant (but sexy) smile and he realized he probably looked like a hot mess.

-Uh… well I guess I have to pay. –He mumbled, thanking that his cheeks were already red because workout to hide his embarrassment .

-Yeah. -He stood up, flicking his hair. Offering him a hand to stand up. -I’m free on Sunday. I’ll pick you up. –

Allen didn’t know what to say, his perplexity reflected on his face.

-I’m asking you out, idiot. –

That was it. That was all.

They met that Sunday and had lunch at a pretty good Japanese place. Yuu didn’t talk a lot and Allen didn’t believe it was happening, so he kept his thoughts to himself. Afraid to blow the illusion away if that was the case. Regardless, that went on for a while and now they were living together. Everything else was pretty much a blur. Only pauses between his mistakes hung on the gallery of his selective memories. How horrible was the fact that bad memories stuck more tha n good ones! Traces of whatever good we had, lost; washed-out by the pain that always has a be tter grip on the human brain.

They were fine at first. Allen had fun and felt like someone finally cared about him and Yuu pushed him just the right way for him to get into a better path. Like choosing his major or switching places to live.

-Just do whatever you want, beansprout. Forget your old man, he isn’t paying anyway. It’s not like his opinion matters. –

So, he dropped Business and started Art History. And now, in the sixth semester of his career, he couldn’t be happier…professionally speaking. He worked as a bartender at nights in a place that was close to their apartment; and when he managed to have free time, he used to exercise, get long baths or even longer naps.

Allen enjoyed his work and he was pretty good at it, but it was one of the things that started the downside of his relationship with Yuu.

It wasn’t like he could have any another job.

Not many people accepted employees that not only looked underage but also had such… extravagant features. With his silver white hair, the scar that crossed his face with a strange pentacle on top and his tendency to use long sleeves and gloves no matter the weather, getting another job was a near impossible task.

At the bar, the manager was nice to him and payed him well. He even allowed him to do homework whenever the bar was slow. He remembered him lending him a book once to pass the time when the place was practically dead. A paternal figure that danced between a big brother and a father, caring in a way that even when it was unusual to Allen, he always shrugged it as a professional perk and not something more fraternal.

“There’s no such thing as a free meal.”

But the manager wasn’t the problem. It was the bar itself. With its dark atmosphere and its concurrent and mostly male clientele.

Allen didn’t consider himself someone attractive, but, for some reason, drunk people not only thought he really was so, but also tried time and time again to either kiss him or get something else from him .

- Y ou have the face of an angel. –

A costumer told him once. This wasn’t the weirdest thing someone ever said to him, but it was one that he remembered well because of how strange an absurd that sounded to him. He never knew how to respond to such...compliments? , so usually he stuck to smil ing and either thank ing them or tell ing them he didn’t really think so. Depending on how the costumer themselves seemed. Regardless, it wasn’t the flirting what mattered. At least, not to him. It was all meaningless words from drunk people that most times than not, confused him with a girl. Alcohol being the glasses to the heart wishes.

And yet, all of that could not matter. It should’ve not.

Flirting, in his experience, only mattered when both parties were into it. Yet, all that was required was one time of Yuu visiting at his work to everything start to get ruined; to him to learn that when you belong to someone, even not playing the game was a reason to lose.

One time, a man was particularly insistent on getting his number, no matter how much or how many times Allen tried to avoid his advances.

-He is a guy, you know? –The voice was familiar, making him turn with a glass still on his hands. – And he told you he is not interested. Don’t you get it, moron? –

-Huh? And what’s to you? Get lost and wait for your chance, asshole! -

Yuu could’v e ignored such a petty provocation. But he cho se otherwise. He didn’t only talk to the guy, as he expected him to do. Not just like a gentleman, but a decent, civilized person. Instead, he smashed the man’s head on the bar, starting a fight that, even when it didn’t last for long, was nasty to see.

He wasn’t keen to violence and he didn’t like it most of the times, a triggering reminder of some parts of his childhood he was better without thinking about.

His kickboxing training only a sport aimed to achieve a healthier life , the idea of using it outside a controlled environment enough to freeze his blood. And looking at his boyfriend acting that aggressively over basically nothing, scared the hell out of him. Nasty memories creeping to remind him the place he came from.

-WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ?! -He accused Yuu back then, after jumping over the bar to check on the unconscious costumer. His heart beating in a frenetic pace, terrified to the bone. His tone, raised to be understood like a scream, only a reflection of a fear that he didn’t know how to tame or address. The adrenaline shot only pushing him forward into the next moment, blindly .

-Huh? With me ? –Yuu didn’t had a scratch and didn’t even break a sweat. His hands were again inside the pockets of his coat after cleaning them with the napkin that was placed for the guy he just knocked out. His hair perfectly combed back in the permanent style of his choice, his bangs falling slowly to their place as the fight was over .

- Y ES? –Allen couldn’t believe it. He was always so calm and serious and then, out of the blue, he hit a guy that wasn’t doing much beside being pretty annoying. The words would’ve been enough. He didn’t have to hurt him. Just a warning, a threat even…Just words.

-What is wrong with you ? Why are you defending him ? – T he boy searched the unconscious man for any more wounds, putting the clean rag that he had on his bleeding temple. The guy grunted, and he allowed himself to turn his gray eyes to his lover, now sure that he wasn’t dead.

-What do you mean? –He was upset but the look on Yuu’s eyes made him flinch. Cowering in a reflex that was branded on his soul. Kanda didn’t kneel to his level or talk to him face to face. Instead, he was staring at him from his towering height as if he was a misbehaving pet.

“A very, very bad dog.”

What was all that about?

-Were you having an affair with him? Did you like his attention? Was that what was happening? Because I don’t see any other reason why you would be all that worried for a guy that was harassing you. –

-Wh-what…? –Allen couldn’t believe it. He just couldn’t. He never gave him a reason to be all worked up like that and he didn’t know what to tell him then. Or how to defend himself. Not that he gave him the chance.

-We will talk about this at home. – T he last chance flew by before he left. Because, from that point forward… Kanda would be the one that would always get the last word.

Allen remembered this vividly, because that was the first time.

The first time of many, to be honest. Yuu wasn’t very social, and neither was him, but he was as kind and charming as he needed to be either for his work or for school and apparently his boyfriend wouldn’t have that.

-Do you have to flirt with everyone, Walker? Even in my face? –

That phrase was what hurt him more, he thought now, looking back. It was simple, but it held a lot of things inside.

It meant that he didn’t trust him, that he didn’t thought Allen respected him, or loved him enough.

That was what hurt him more. The fact that Kanda didn’t think he loved him. Or maybe he did, but he didn’t care at all...

-If there’s a point in the line, I guess that was it. –

After that, Allen wasn’t allowed to do a lot of stuff. Yes, he could still work in that bar and Yuu agreed to never step in again, but only as long as he was messaging him every thirty minutes. Just… “to be sure. ”

Only that he didn’t meet his friends without him there. He couldn’t go alone to a party or a bar or whatever; it didn’t matter if it was school, business or long last friendship. Not that he had such things, though. His internet social media was limited to photos of his cat or food, never his face and in the strange case it was, never alone. Not even mentioning the place, hashtags already a forgotten subject.

He didn’t blame Yuu, he was sure he meant to protect him. After all, he had a troublesome youth as well and he was aware that he had a lot of unresolved issues. Issues he wanted to help with but wasn’t allowed to know.

At least not until Lavi appeared on the picture. With shared secrets that now, he was more likely to know than he thought.

Lavi was Yuu’ s best friend. For a reason that was not only beyond Allen’s imagination but everyone’s else as well.

Lavi was the opposite of Yuu. He was cheerful, playful and talkative. He adored to spend time outside, workout, be everywhere and anywhere and if that wasn’t enough, knowing people and their business. Which was probably his only true passion.

He met Yuu at high school and stuck with him since then. He was a librarian and a professor at the same place Allen attended. Weird, how the world seemed to be so small. The chances of ending at the same place with so many other s to cho o se, being ridiculous.

Regardless, they didn’t meet there. Yuu brought him home one day when spring break started. It was a weird first meeting, and just as he remembered how Yuu asked him out, he recalled how meeting Lavi the first time was.

He had taken a nap after school, free from homework but not from work; and anticipating the crowd that being a bar near the university meant, he slept until two hours before his shift, knowing how busy the nights could get.

The silver haired opened his eyes slowly, as light was dying just like then. And there beside him in the most comfortable couch of the house was an unknown redhead.

Allen thought he was still sleeping and stared at him without saying a word, his mind trying to dissipate the bubbles of the dream that drags reality with them.

-Good morning, angel. –The stranger said, the teasing so obvious it made him blush. Such manners straight out of a dream, indeed.

He was really tall, his red hair more like copper, his only visible eye a beautiful jade. He was wearing a hair band that kept his hair out of his face... and what face that was…! His lines were made like a Guillaume Geefs statue or a Michelangelo’s; his jaw perfectly squared with lips that made an elegant curve with an “M” in the middle of the movement, where they parted.

Allen thought it was definitely, positively a dream when he saw the eye patch. Black and exactly around the place his eye should be…Who wore that in the XXI century?

-Hello. –He said shyly. That person smiled warmly, the action bringing light to his iris, the bridge of his perfectly sculpted nose sprinkled with a night sky of discreet freckles. Exposing him as a natural ginger.

-Stop harassing him, stupid rabbit. –The voice of Yuu broke whatever charm was being used and he covered himself with the blanket he dragged there. He blinked fast, trying to adjust to life only to feel a headache threatening to hit his brain. Like a red lightning of pain.

-But he is so cute! You didn’t say he was this cute! –Allen couldn’t believe what was happening. Yuu only made a disapproving noise with his tongue before opening a bottle of something Allen couldn’t identify at first.

-Beansprout, this is Lavi. I met him when we were on high school and I can’t get rid of him. Lavi, Beansp r out. – A lazy swirl of the hand that held unto the beverage to point him out.

He blinked again, a part of his mind working on the pun on Lavi’s name, Kanda being Japanese; his understanding of the language somehow decent.

-Oh, nice to meet…-He offered his right hand. His tone friendly with a pinch of doubt, until the words his boyfriend spoke got meaning. –MY NAME IS ALLEN, WHY DO YOU DO THIS? –

Yuu didn’t pay him any attention, rolling his eyes as he drank. That second Allen got distracted getting used by the newcomer to get closer.

-” Beansprout “. I s it because of your hair? I like it! –He was holding the hand he extended to him before but in a way that made him feel like a princess. Instead of just squeezing it like a businessperson, Lavi turn it in a skilled movement, holding it softly a s he brought it to his lips, kissing it without moving his pupil from Allen’ s eyes.

He turned red, the maneuver taking him completely by surprise. His senses overloading.

-Oh! Look at that, you could be a beet now! –He laughed, and Allen pulled his hand close to his chest, getting free of him. Beyond mortified . His heart clicking like a pool arrangement that is hit by the white ball for the first time. Scattering all over the table. All over his chest.

-But really, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Allen. Yuu has talked about you a lot. –

Allen doubted that, but he moved his sight to his lover who was blankly staring at them with what he now noticed was a beer in his hand. He didn’t seem upset or jealous; instead, looking like he was used to that behavior. Unfazed.

He ignored the way his hand tingled and his skin tickled when he said his name and specially, he avoided thinking in how it sounded when his voice pronounced the word “pleasure ” as if meeting him was an especially exquisite dessert. Or a fully exotic experience.

“One of a kind.”

-Don’t mind him, he is always like that. –The long-haired man addressed him, resting importance to the situation . Stripping the magic away. He gave a nother long gulp to his drink and moved his head pointing at their shared room. –Don’t you have a shift to cover, Beansprout? I guess you are getting a shower. –

And just like that, life came back on track with routines and time. Making him rush to get ready and leave, the midnight bells destroying the spell for a fairy-tale that couldn’t happen at all. Lavi and Yuu both forgotten the moment he started working.

After that incredibly busy shift, Allen arrived home a little after four in the morning. Completely beaten and thinking about sleeping the moment he opened the door; even if that meant falling right there on the floor.

He managed to drag himself to the same couch where he was remembering everything, but when he sat on it the warmth and a coughed laugh almost had him screaming in a terrorized surprise that he had to swallow as fast as a tequila shot. Burning his throat in the same way.

-Hey, I bet there are better ways to ride me, Beansprout! –

Allen had to bite his lips to avoid shouting. A thing that always happened when he got scared or surprised, danger and verbal aggression an equivalence exchange as long as it was sudden. Just like a fox, incapable of growling. Only a fluffy ball of screaming stress.

-What the fuck are you doing here?! –He whispered fast and harsh, and Lavi asked him to repeat it at least three times more in a strained laugh.-You heard me, asshole! What are you doing in my couch! –He punched him with his bag making him complain and laugh shortly after. The moonlight gracing his striking smile, his handsome features emphasized by this star dusted spotlight.

-I’m sorry! –He didn’t sound like he was, particularly because he was holding his wrist and laughing like they were kids playing hide and seek in a secret spot. His breath tickling his skin as he brought it to his lips. Still laying down. – Y ou look so adorable, that’s all! –

Allen punched him again, this time a bit softer, the adrenaline of the scare wearing off. He let himself drop against the couch. Not trying to get away from his grasp, getting comfortable in it instead. A thing Lavi noticed but kept to himself as an impression he built for his own taste.

“Isn’t his hand warm?”

-You curse a lot for someone with such a lovely face. –He smiled at him with such kindness that Allen wanted to hit him again to make him stop, instead munching on the inside of his cheek with a pout . Avoiding his stare, the blush growing o ver his cheeks like spring roses.

If Yuu woke up, he would be beyond pissed and Allen wasn’t really in the mood for a fight. Specially with a guest in their house to witness it all. So he kept quiet and rested his head on the couch, barely brushing his chest, the movement of his breathing easing his mood.

-I just had too many drinks and asked Yuu if I could stay. -He continued explaining. -I’m sorry Allen, am I bothering you? –

He turned quickly to face him being staring at his shared room’s door, in the process noticing Lavi was still wearing that eye patch. The silence of the night made the crack of his neck noticeable and Allen knew that the movement w ould make his muscles hurt like hell in a very close future.

Strangely, he hated that Lavi said his name so casually. He hated more being called “Beansprout” but no matter how much he asked or fought with Kanda about it, he didn’t seem to care enough to stop. Yet, with Lavi was different. It was weird being called by hi s name by him. He couldn’t put his finger on what it was, but he wanted it to stop and all the same…he didn’t want to. He didn’t say anything only because even to himself, it sounded like a stupid complaint.

His name with that voice a call that felt like pulling from a string that was directly tied to his heart. Was that a good thing? Allen bet it wasn’t.

Lavi thought Allen looked like a poem. His gray eyes like the moon itself, two twin mirrors of silver that were accusing him of a sin he didn’t understand but was glad he was committing. If that made him look at him that way. A penitence worth paying, even if it dragged him to hell. His hair moved slowly with a delay of his movements, five strands of white hair that were missing the really small and messy bun he made to keep it away from his beautiful round face. He wanted to touch the scar that traveled t hrough his face like a plead to kiss his temple. Just like a map.

“The star marks the treasure?”

Lavi was many things, but among them stupid was never on the list, so he didn’t touch him...At least…not how he wished he could. Letting his arm go as he considered his position. Allen was his mate’s boyfriend. And hell, Yuu had an amazing taste on them.

And Allen now, just like back then, repeated the question; an overlapping image of a memory that echoed that day.

- Bothering me ? –It was such a strange concept that he repeated the words even then, when he was reliving them in a hazed state.

-Am I? –A voice in the present time asked him; the emerald eye staring back at him.

He observed him, trying to identify if he was there or in his memories.

- Lavi ? –He mouthed cautiously. Slowly. The word like a whispered prayer.

-If you say my name like that, you are going to make me think I’m some kind of Dirty Little Secret , Beansprout. –The redhead was kneeling in front of him, barely touching his knees.

“With those big, warm hands…”

He pushed him by the shoulder, making him fall. A poker face in place. Protecting an embarrassment that he didn’t understand but certainly he felt guilty about; flustered enough to try and hide that sentiment…pushing the source of it away.

At least for a moment.

-You are so mean! –Lavi complained watching him getting up. –And I even came here to take you out, so you won’t be bored! –He pretended to be offended, but a smile was getting drawn over his lips. Dissolving the façade.

Allen looked at him as he stretched, avoiding his eye . The feeling on his heart pulsating more faintly, like a pill that’s already losing its effect.

-I don’t know what you’re talking about. –Timcanpy, his cat, walked from the fake chimney shelf to sit on his shoulder now that he was close to it. He patted his head, the animal rubbing himself on one side of his face with happy and loud purrs.

-Didn’t you read your messages? –Lavi was laying on the floor, looking him from there and observing as the expression of pretended annoyance with his pretty nose wrinkled in a fake disdain, washed from his face to leave one of growing panic. He hated to be the one to do that to Allen. He was a good guy. One with many talents and an amazingly kind heart. One with a beautiful face and a much more beautiful soul.

“Stranding from the path…Aren’t you?”

The point was, he didn’t deserve to be scared of forgetting his phone unattended. He wasn’t a cheater. For devil’s sake, he was a saint.

The redhead could understand the need for Yuu to protect him. To want him for himself. Allen was too kind, too charming. Too stupid to be left around unsupervised with so many cruel people in the world with such lack of malice. But he wasn’t a child either. He was allowed to have some liberty to make his own mistakes. Or at least that was what he thought. Not that anybody asked him, of course.

-Ah! I-I forgot! Darn! –He shuffled anxiously around the room looking for a phone that Lavi knew well was out of battery. A little thing that he learned ten minutes ago when he tried to call him, so he would open the door. But as a lady’s voice informed that the line was out of reach, he tried to open it with the hope of finding it unlocked at the pulsating worry that something happened while he was alone . Luckily finding a silver haired beauty sitting at the couch, his gaze lost in the nothing. Absent. Making him approach him after he called his name and not getting a response; kneeling in front of him.

Lavi thought in how cute it was that he avoided cursing all the time. It wasn’t like he didn’t know about his ill-mannered mouth whenever nobody was look i ng, after all.

His phone rang this time and he answered knowing perfectly well who it was. A slow and painful pressure under his heart.

-Don’t worry buddy, he’s good. He just fell asleep; you know how he gets when is his free day! Haha! –Allen froze and stared at him. He put a finger over his own lips, a gesture that was confident the other would get as a sign to trust him. His laugh easy to bring out, specially near him . -Hm? Yeah, his phone died as well. But you can call him here, of course. You wanna talk to him? –His friend mumbled on the other line and cut the call without anything else. -I guess that’s a no. -

-Is he mad? –The child-like voice that exited Allen’s mouth made him want to hug him, but as he always did… he kept his distance, smiling at him. His wishes remaining as they should. Completely hypothetical.

-Nah. He just said that you need to be more careful. He trusts I’ll take care of you these two weeks. –

“Liar. He said that you told him to be fucking glued to his phone.”

Allen listened what the redhead that was sitting on his living room floor said but he took a moment trying to understand it. The idea itself wild enough to leave a strange taste over his tongue.

-Two…weeks? –Yuu never left him alone that long. In fact, he never even left him for a day. And now he was gone for two entire weeks? What was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to act?!

-Yes ! Two weeks of fun with me ! –He stood up and put both of his hands over Allen’s shoulders, only to get bi tten on one by the cat whom was now back on the shelf.

-Why with you? –He certainly didn’t mean the question like he phrased it. Wondering instead, why that was happening without him knowing anything. Why Lavi? A tall, handsome, incredibly nice guy. His best friend.

“Is this a test?” Their eyes met and his heart stopped for a moment. Fearing such thing being true.

-Ouch! You hurt my feelings beansprout! You don’t want me here? I thought we had a thing! –Lavi faked just a little that his heart ached and put his bitten hand over it. Just a little, because it might ache, but not because of that. It was something else, that was ironically tied to Allen, too.

“I bet this is a test.” He thought, as well.

-No! I didn’t mean that! Sorry! –Allen never noticed, but whenever they talked like that, he stepped closer to him.

“Tempting.”

It was horrible, Lavi thought. Horrible that he realized, horrible that he still wanted to provoke it, horrible because that was his best friend’s boyfriend.

Wasn’t he a horrible friend? A horrible person, after all.

-I mean, why did he leave? –He took a step back, taking Timcanpy on his arms to pet him, his thought frantically running, look ing for an explanation that he didn’t have.

“Is this some sort of punishment?”

-Because he had a tournament, I think. You know that trainer thing he does? It’s a tournament or seminary or something like that. I didn’t really catch on it. But he had to go, so, he left you with me, since I’m… -He sighed. -…his best friend . –

Such horrible person. With such horrible words to say.

Allen turned away from Lavi, leaving the cat again on his favorite place. The tallest tower he could conquer, a feline palace of a shelf.

Why did Yuu leave when he was thinking that everything they had didn’t work? What was he supposed to do?! He loved him despite everything he was…despite everything he did. Despite how horrible Allen was.

“Horrible indeed. With your eyes wandering off to his friend’s face…”

-You don’t have to stay with me Lavi, I don’t want to bother you. –

It was a week before winter break, and he knew the redhead was surely busy with all the tests he was supposed to apply to poor stressed students and grade them.

-Oh no, Allen, you don’t get it. –There it was. His name pronounced by that voice. –I want you to bother me. –

-Shut up. –He said almost immediately, managing to hide his laugh. Only his smile leaking through his defenses. How was he able to pull that from him? It was by now a year since they knew each other. A year since he called him angel when he first put his eyes on him. And that dangerous voice when they were alone…wasn’t exactly helping him with the test Yuu put him through. –Why didn’t he tell me? –

He was sure that was what it was. A test. Yuu was tired of him and he started to notice they were drifting away. So he, surely, decided to test him, never forgiving his past.

A past, Allen wished, he himself could forget.

Lavi felt bad enough for flirting that shamelessly, but having Allen talking about Yuu hurt his heart just the right amount for him to compose.

Talking like that was something he couldn’t avoid. Not with such face. Not with him around.

-I’m sorry. I’m sure he just didn’t want to trouble you since you are starting finals and you are so busy with work. –He gave him a reassuring smile and he finally faced him.
“ Sure.”

Allen hated that Lavi called him by his name. But what he hated more, was that sensation of being lit from the inside with coals that shimmered in red glows when he did. A strange and confusing sensation that brought vertigo to new, unexpected heights. That, and that stupid smile of his; that promised him to fix everything in his life, even when he didn’t ask for it.

“Oh, but don’t you need it?”

-Are you really staying the whole two weeks? –He asked trying to work with whatever emotion he was having. Trying to understand.

-Yes, unless you prefer to stay at my place. B ut I must warn you, i t s full of books. Does that bother you? –

-Do you mean the books or are you talking about yourself? –He wasn’t like that with anybody else. He didn’t use his witty mouth and his graduated sarcasm. He didn’t understand what was making him be like that with him. He wanted to be as nice and kind and patient as he was with his regulars, with his friends , but Lavi had something that made it impossible…

“Is that smile…”

-Uff, such a rude mouth! Do you treat all your costumers like this? You are going to ruin that bar, buddy! –Allen rolled his eyes and then laughed. It was fine that Lavi stayed. Maybe he could help him settle his thoughts.

Lavi stared as the shortest laughed. Maybe it was a bad idea for him to stay. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to control himself.

And that, would certainly be horrible .

Everything was fun and games, until someone fell in love .