Chapter Text
Lance was in his temporary room back at the Garrison. It had been two months since their final battle and Lance just couldn’t bring himself to clear his stuff out and go back home. He didn’t want to see his family. He didn’t want the noise, the pitying looks. Not that the Garrison was much better. But at least here people were too busy to bother Lance. He could just sit in the dark and cry.
He didn’t sleep. He didn’t eat. He just laid there staring at the stucco ceiling or at the photo of him and Allura. God, she hadn’t deserved to die. It wasn’t fair to her. She had lost so much in her life. But she had always stayed strong. Until the end.
Lance felt tears escape his eyes. He turned on his side, curling into himself. Wondering if they would ever stop.
Lance heard a loud knock.
“Go away, Keith. I’m not in the mood,” Lance called back.
Lance heard the door click open. God. Why didn’t he lock that? A sliver or light darted into the room and over the bed. Lance shrunk into himself away from it.
“I said I’m not in the mood,” Lance said trying to keep his voice strong.
“Lance?” Shiro said.
Lance flipped over to face him his brows pulling up in confusion. Shiro was busy. He was a captain. Or was it a commander now? Lance didn’t know. But Lance knew Shiro didn’t have time to see his sorry ass.
“Hey,” Shiro said softly.
Lance sat up. He felt dizzy. He didn’t want to put on a brave face. He really didn’t. But he didn’t want Shiro to know how fucked up he felt. Not that it wasn’t obvious. Lance tried to hide himself in the shadows. “Hey,” he finally said in a croaky voice.
“We’re going for a ride,” Shiro said. Lance wanted to protest, but Shiro just gave him the hard dad look, as if to say, ‘no you aren’t getting out of this.’
***
“I don’t feel like this,” Lance said.
The two of them were standing outside the Garrison compound in front of two hoverbikes, similar to the one Keith had used when this all began.
Lance was haphazardly dressed in a pair of pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt. Now in the light, it was clear he didn’t look like himself. Lance had gotten a glimpse of himself in the window of a building before stuttering away, keeping his eyes firmly on the ground. He hated mirrors now. He was scruffy, unshaved. He hadn’t gotten back into his skin care routine. Hadn’t really showered in general. Lance knew his routine was a part of his mental health, but he just couldn’t find the will to even try. His eyes were dark, his skin rough, his hair hung limp.
He was a mess.
Shiro just gave Lance another look and tossed him a helmet. With a sigh, Lance climbed on the bike.
They rode out across the desert, the sun setting behind their backs. Shiro tried to goad Lance into racing him, but his attempts failed, the normal playful light drawn out of Lance’s eyes.
They stopped on a dusty cliff overlooking the desert. “What am I doing here Shiro?”
“You know, Keith and I used to race across these hills. It feels so long ago now,” Shiro said ignoring Lance’s question. He leaned against the bike smiling softly.
“Shiro.”
“Look Lance. I think it’s time we had a little talk. We’re worried.”
“I’ve noticed,” Lance said bitterness edged in his voice.
“Are you okay?”
“Fuck no. I’m not okay,” Lance said turning sharply to look at his hero. “She’s. She’s gone. And nobody seems to care.”
A pained look crossed Shiro’s face, “Lance. We’re all mourning Allura. You aren’t the only one feeling this way.”
Lance looked at his shoes, he noticed they weren’t matching. “I know. I’m sorry. It just feels like everyone’s moving on so quickly.”
“I can tell you, it hasn’t been easy. For any of us. But we all have a part to play in rebuilding the galaxy.”
“I know,” Lance said. “Everyone’s really doing all this amazing stuff. And I just can’t.”
“I could put you on some missions if you want. It might be good for you to have something to do.”
Lance shook his head. That wasn’t what he wanted at all.
“What do you want Lance. I know nothing’s going to make you feel better, but there’s got to be something that could help.”
Lance looked away. “Sometimes I wonder. How things would have worked out. If. If she had lived. I wonder how much I loved her, you know?” Lance sighed. “I don’t think things would have worked out in the end.”
Lance felt a solid warm hand on his shoulder. “Lance. This wasn’t you’re fault. You can’t feel guilty. You have to stop thinking like that. It’s not healthy. I know you loved Allura. You cherished her. Remember that.”
Lance took a swipe at his eyes with the end of his sleeve.
“Lance. Do you remember how I was dating Professor Wright when we were still in the Garrison?”
Lance nodded. He watched as Shiro’s eyes softened. “When I came back. He was gone. Died in a mission protecting Earth from the Galra. I regret that I couldn’t make up with him every day.”
“How did you move on?”
“I didn’t. Not yet at least. It’s hard. We had already broken up when I went on the Kerberos mission. He said he wouldn’t be waiting for me when I got back,” Shiro ran his metal hand through his hair. “But still. I had some crazy hope that he would be there. Thinking of him got me through a lot out there. In many ways I still love him. Even now. But I know. He would want me to live on.”
Shiro paused and squeezed Lance’s shoulder. “I’m not saying you should move on right away. But eventually we have to pick up the pieces. We have to live. For them.”
Lance pinched the bridge of his nose trying to hold the tears in, “It’s so hard Shiro. It’s just so hard.”
“It’s going to be hard Lance. Every day will be hard. Eventually one day it will get easier. But she will never go away. And you'll take two steps back for every step forward, but you have to take those steps.”
Lance nodded, his whole body shaking. Shiro pulled Lance into a hug. “What do you need Lance?”
“I think,” Lance let out a shaky breath, “I think I need some time away from all this.”
“Go home,” Shiro said gently. “Your parents own a farm, right?”
Lance nodded against Shiro’s shoulder.
“Take the time you need. Surround yourself with your family. Get out in the sun. Just work and stop thinking. Just for a little while.”
“Okay,” Lance said. He gave Shiro one last squeeze before pulling away. Shiro patted Lance on the back. Lance tried for a tight-lipped smile. Shiro smiled sadly back. The two of them turned to the desert, watching as the sun slipped behind the distant mountains.