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Like a lot of things, Tony didn’t ask for this.
He didn’t ask for a threat from outer space.
He didn’t ask for alien wars to grow to such violent levels that Earth was in danger of becoming a battlefield.
He didn’t ask to receive a distress signal from Peter Quill and the Guardians.
And he certainly didn’t ask Stephen Strange, sorcerer Supreme and Tony’s very faithful boyfriend, to accompany him.
But here he was, up on an alien planet, a fair distance from where the Guardians were trying to fight off a full-on alien army.
“You got a plan?” Tony asked Stephen, who was surveying the fight with a very serious, calculating expression.
“Possibly. But I don’t like it.” Stephen looked tense; almost as if he had the Time Stone again, and could see how many ways this could end terribly, and was trying to find the best outcome.
“Well, we need a plan and we need it soon if we’re going to save Quill and the others from becoming more casualties in this… this alien war.”
Stephen seemed to tense up even more, if that was possible. “I know.”
“So have you got a plan, or not? Because my plan is shoot first, ask questions never, because they’ll all be dead.” Tony held up a repulsor as he spoke.
“No offence, but that’s a really shit plan,” Stephen said, the ghost of a smile on his face. “But I think I do. It’s dangerous, though, and even if it works it could get you and me both killed.”
“I like this plan already,” Tony loudly announced before his nanotech helmet reformed around his head. “Now fill me in on the details so we can go save their asses.”
“Well… it involves you acting as bait.”
“Bait?” Suddenly Tony wasn’t so sure he liked this plan anymore.
“Look, it should be fine, but I don’t think it wise to explain the rest of my plan to you; if you’re captured, they could try to get information out of you.” Stephen offered Tony a tight smile. “You’ve just got to trust me.”
“I do trust you.” Tony gestured in the direction of the aliens the Guardians were fighting as he added, “Its them I don’t trust.”
“Considering they are trying to kill Quill and the Guardians, I can’t say I understand,” Stephen said with a hint of sarcasm.
Tony laughed. “Alright, what do you want me to do for this plan of yours?”
“You need to look small-”
“Is that a dig at my height?”
The look Stephen gave him was enough to silence him.
“As I was saying you need to look small, vulnerable, weak and defenceless.”
Tony was liking this plan less and less the more he heard. “Let me guess; no armour?”
“Oh no, the armour’s good. Shiny, bright, reflective- it’ll catch their eye. You’ve just got to not use your weapons, or act at all like you’re a possible threat.”
“So basically I have to sit there and do nothing.”
“Yep.” Stephen paused for a moment. “Just don’t do your whole I’m Iron Man and I’m earth’s mighty defender and I think you’ll be fine.”
“That was a dig at me, wasn’t it?”
Stephen didn’t answer the question, instead glancing back at the battlefield and tensing. “Stay safe, okay?”
“It’d be easier if you’d tell me your extravagant plan,” Tony muttered.
“I heard th-” Stephen suddenly stopped talked, and paled slightly. “I don’t want to worry you, but wasn’t there six Guardians when we got here?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Because now there seems to be only five of them in the fight.”
“Shit.” Tony began to power up his thrusters before a loud “NO!” from Stephen made him stop.
“You can’t be a threat, remember?” Stephen said. “No flying over.”
And so it was that Tony had to run across the alien planet’s surface, in heavy, clanking metal armour, and by the time he reached the battle, he was pretty sure he didn’t have the energy to be threatening even if he wanted to.
“Hey! Alien bastards! I’m over here! Big gold and red shiny man!”
Four alien eyes locked onto him; a single alien out of all of the many troops had spotted him.
Tony forced himself to look away, to not maintain eye contact, to not seem confrontational in any way.
Which was how he found his gaze locked on to the unmoving, limp, very much bleeding, form of Mantis.
He was forced to look away when an alien arrived in front of him, reaching out to put an odd, almost tentacle like, hand onto Tony’s shoulder; he instantly flinched away, which actually aided him in looking weaker and more vulnerable.
Come on, Stephen. Whatever you’re going to do, do it soon.
Then there was an alien behind him, placing an almost possessive feeling hand on his back; Tony flinched away again, and found himself stumbling straight into an alien net.
It was made of some odd gold material, thick and tough, bright and shiny.
In his armour, Tony was defenceless against it; the armour was clunky, bulky, and just made it easier for the aliens to ensnare him.
The last thing Tony remembered before darkness came over him was a flash of gold in the distance, and a scream that sounded distinctly like it came from Stephen.
When Tony awoke, he was tied to an odd, tree-like thing with loose, weak ropes that barely took any effort to break free of.
Next to him was a still-unconscious Peter Quill.
Tony untied Peter’s bonds, which were thicker and tougher than his own had been; he guessed this was to do with Peter actually fighting them, whereas Tony had come off as weaker and vulnerable, as Stephen had planned.
His head felt slightly fuzzy, and it was obvious the aliens had given him a more alienated version of a sleeping draught.
Tapping his arc reactor, his nanotech armour retracted; he knew the atmosphere had oxygen, since Peter was human too and was breathing just fine.
“Quill.” He shook the other man awake, who looked mildly annoyed to have been woken until he took in their surroundings.
“Oh shit.”
“What? Are we on some planet with monsters that want to eat us?”
“No, this planet’s actually pretty harmless. I’ve been here a couple of times but… it’s a long way from where we normally travel, and certainly a long way from earth.”
Tony had been afraid of that, and sunk back against the odd, alien tree.
“God I hope Stephen has some sort of magic find-your-amazingly-talented-genius-boyfriend gadget so he can portal us out of here,” he muttered to himself.
“I’m hoping Thor will show up; it’s more likely, since he travels space a lot.”
“Wanna bet that my boyfriend will show up before yours?” Tony asked sweetly, but there was an underlying challenge to it.
“Oh you have already lost,” Peter said, shaking Tony’s hand to seal the bet. “Thor travels space a lot; your little wizard hardly leaves earth.”
Tony just rolled his eyes, leaning back against the odd tree again. “We’ll see, Space Man, we’ll see.”
A day passed with not so much as a stray alien spaceship passing by.
Peter knew the area, not exceptionally well but well enough to gather up some exotic, alien fruits that reminded Tony of coconut, if said coconut had the texture of a watermelon.
They were weird to eat, and it took exactly three bites before Tony was wishing for Earth food, but he didn’t complain.
Neither of them could leave, either; sure, Tony had his suit, but it didn’t have enough power for very long flights after the flight he’d taken to make it up to outer space in the first place, and even if he could fly, he didn’t know which way to go, and Peter Quill’s own flight gear had been damaged in the battle, so it wasn’t like Tony could just get Peter to come along and give him directions.
“You ever miss earth, Quill?” Tony suddenly asked.
“What’s there to miss? I barely remember it, and the strongest memory I do have is that my mother died there.” Peter sounded pretty emotionless as he spoke, which Tony recognised as a way of fighting back actual emotion.
“Pizza, for one,” Tony started, earning a small laugh from Peter. “And quite possibly tv shows. New music. Live concerts. Beaches. Forests. Actually, quite a lot of things.”
“Okay, okay, one thing I do miss is the music,” Peter admitted. “Earth came out with some great music, back when I was there.”
Tony grinned playfully at him. “You’re missing all the good stuff, Quill. Like ACDC, and Jon Bellion.”
“I’m guessing just from the names that those are very different music genres,” Peter said, and Tony laughed.
“You’re not wrong.”
“Oh! Movies. Earth movies were the best. Especially Footloose.”
Tony winced slightly. “Yeah, okay, but until you’ve seen all the Transformers movies, you haven’t seen any good films.”
“Transformers?” A look of confusion crossed Peter’s face, and Tony mentally cursed himself for forgetting that Peter hadn’t been to earth in a while; well, not properly anyway- the last time he’d been there wasn’t that long ago, but he was preoccupied with helping in Thanos’ defeat.
“Basically cars and trucks that turn into giant alien robots.”
“Sounds childish. I must see them sometime.”
Tony didn’t even try to argue that they weren’t childish, simply humming in agreement. “Yeah, you really do.”
Peter glanced up at the sky. “You think Thor’s gonna show up soon?”
“No. But I think Stephen will.”
The two then descended into an argument over whose boyfriend would arrive first, an argument that lasted half the night until exhaustion finally dragged Tony into sleep.
When he woke, Peter Quill was gone.
Did he get his pack working and leave without me? Typical.
After a few minutes of sulking, Tony was about ready to take stock of his surroundings and see if he could identify the odd alien fruit Peter had gotten them the previous night when, from the alien-tree forest not far from where they’d set up camp, Peter emerged, carrying the limp corpse of something.
As he got closer, a rank smell filled the air, and Tony wrinkled his nose.
“Ew,” he said loudly. “What’d you kill? It smells horrible.”
“It’s called a ukusni leš . In earth language it roughly translates to “hog of blood”.”
“So you’ve killed us a pig. Lovely.”
“Essentially. Now we’ve just got to start a fire so I can cook it.”
“Don’t suppose a repulsed blast might be enough to set something alight out here in space?” Tony asked innocently.
Peter narrowed his eyes. “It should, but let me gather some kindling first.”
Peter then dumped the alien pig onto the ground and began to walk back towards the tree line.
“Leave me with a giant stinking animal corpse, why don't you?” Tony yelled after him, and he swore he heard Peter laugh.
The alien pig lasted them a while; Tony had already lost count of the days, but he was pretty sure it was at least four days before Peter had to get them food again.
During this time, Tony began to try to find a power source for his suit, and materials to fix Peter’s pack.
It was fairly obvious by now that neither Thor nor Stephen were coming, or were going to find them, so it was time to try and find their own way off the planet.
Tony was getting sick of the coconut tasting, watermelon textured alien fruit, and was missing earth more than ever.
Just as he was beginning to think that they might be stuck there for good, a loud shout came from the direction of Peter.
“It’s Thor!”
At that moment, a portal snapped open next to Tony, and through stepped a very worried, pale, thin-looking Stephen, who instantly brightened when he spotted Tony.
“Oh my god, Tony!” He pulled Tony into a hug, who graciously accepted it.
“Thank god. I’ve had enough of this planet and this food and this annoying space man and the fact that this planet doesn’t have you on it-”
Stephen drew back from the hug to meet Tony’s gaze.
“You’ve been missing for two weeks, Tony. Two weeks. This was my fault. I-”
“We can worry about who’s fault it is later, okay? Let’s just get out of here.”
“It was a long time we were stranded for, Tony,” Peter said.
“I probably would have died if you didn’t know what alien food we could eat.”
“Of that I have no doubt.”
Tony turned to Stephen.
“And he caught us… what was it called again? Ukusni leš?”
“Tony. In Bosnian, that means “delicious corpse”.”
And so it was that Tony promptly spat out his drink, spraying liquid across the room.
“YOU DIDN’T TELL ME THIS, QUILL!”