Chapter Text
Snapping your fingers was a simple action and doing that action shouldn’t send anyone into emotional shutdown. It shouldn’t make someone stand in the middle of their kitchen, having just remembered what they were looking for at three in the morning, and suddenly be staring at their hands in horror.
The sound of snapping wasn’t normally an issue, despite the terrible things that occurred with the snap of someone else’s fingers over the course of twelve years. Lea felt his heart beating quickly, as if it were trying once more to break free of his chest. A shaking hand clutched at it, hoping to keep himself whole even while his throat felt tight and his breathing got sharp. He was okay. He was fine. Nobody was getting hurt. He wasn’t hurting people.
Free hand went to the counter, leaning on it to keep himself steady, Lea felt tears welling up in his eyes. Lea felt too much, momentary wish to have his feelings taken away left him feeling more hollow and gutted than he had without a heart. What kind of person was he, wanting that back? Everything that other people had sacrificed for him to be back again. He killed people, he… killed people, he didn’t deserve his heart back anyways.
He sank to the ground and continued to clutch his chest. Too many thoughts were flying through his mind. Guilt, regret, pain, hatred. He wanted to dig his heart out of his chest again. The thought he’d yelled at himself for having returned with even greater force.
He could do it, he could just… A flick of the wrist and his fingers closed around the handle he rarely actually used. He stared at the blade, heart still beating out of his chest and breathing still not steady. The thing that was a total joke, the thing that got shattered into a million pieces in front of him. The thing that would help him feel better, even if it was only temporary. His own death meant very little to him when he’d died three times already.
He could come back again. He’d be enough of himself to get himself back if necessary.
He wondered briefly if he’d be able to use his keyblade as a nobody. Then he wondered if he was strong enough to even be a nobody again. Lea’s hand shook as he held his keyblade out, away from his body. He’d killed or caused the deaths of multiple people who he blamed for the first blade that pierced his chest.
His other hand began to reach for the handle. He wasn’t thinking clearly enough, but he didn’t want to die. He just wanted to stop… feeling. Maybe part of why he’d instructed Kairi to call him Axel was because he wanted to be again. Yeah, that sounded right. Why would he think that if it wasn’t true?
Both hands gripped the keyblade’s handle.
Then his hands were pushed down, blade being carefully held by the hands pushing his down.
“Lea? Lea, look at me. Let go.” The familiar voice only made Lea’s vision swim as the tears that filled his eyes finally had the pressure keeping them back released. So, again, the voice spoke. “Whatever you were thinking of doing with that’s not any kind of answer.”
The blade vanished and Lea’s hands fell to his lap. Breathing had gotten steadier as he’d held his blade, but with the tears running down his face, it was ragged. He was pulled into an embrace.
“I know, Lea. I know,” Isa’s voice was gentle, like it had been when they were children. “I brought your eyeliner in case this was what was happening. Let me know when you can breathe enough to lay down.”
Lea managed to process the words after a few tries and nodded.
The next few minutes felt choked. Sobs came from Lea as Isa sat, stone-faced and holding his best friend. As Lea’s crying began to lessen, Isa gently began to run his fingers through his hair.
After a few gentle moments with Isa stroking his hair, Lea brought his arms up to hold Isa back. He felt awful, worrying Isa like that, but he knew he should be grateful. He might not have done it, but being alone after almost doing it would’ve been worse than escaping his problems and dying.
“Why are you up, Isa?” Lea’s voice was rough, crying ruined the usual upbeat and sarcastic tone of his.
“I woke up, probably from you moving the bed to get up, and you weren’t there. It felt like something was wrong. I was right, as I usually am,” Isa said calmly while still brushing his fingers through Lea’s hair. His hand gave away more than his words or voice ever would. Despite the motions being a clean cycle, they weren’t incredibly fluid. Lea could feel his hair being pulled on because Isa’s hand had taken his shake.
“... Sorry you found me like that, Isa.”
“Just don’t do it again. Come get me instead.” Lea was wrong, Isa’s voice broke slightly as he spoke. “Want to talk about what got you tonight?”
“Not really.” Lea moved back to look at Isa and swallowed, testing his throat before he spoke again, “Are you okay?”
“I brought the eyeliner.”
“That’s not an answer, Isa.”
“I brought what you need. Come lay on my lap so I can draw them on.”
“You don’t need to.”
“You were going to kill yourself, Lea.” Isa’s voice was fully saturated with emotion. Tears were in both of their eyes as they sat on the kitchen floor in the dead of night. “You looked like you were ready to kill yourself. Leave me with your fading body. Have to see my best friend… dead. Lay on my lap and stop talking.”
Lea wiped at his face, drying what he thought was left of the tears and leading away a few new ones. He turned himself around and laid backwards, resting his head on Isa’s lap like he had done so many years ago.
“I wasn’t thinking,” Lea said softly as Isa uncapped the eyeliner, checking how blunt the pencil was before bringing his hand down to begin drawing the tears.
“I doubt that’s true, but I understand.”
Silence fell over the kitchen as Isa filled in the outline of the teardrops. Even the gentle touch of the side of Isa’s hands on his cheek felt heavy, despite the deeply comforting position they were in.
“I’m sorry.”
“I already told you, I get it. Don’t talk about it.”
It wasn’t a request anymore, it was closer to a command. Or was it just a plead? Either way, Lea nodded.
And got a gentle tap on his head as Isa moved the pencil away. “Way to mess the tears up, Lea.”
“Huh? Oh, sorry. Did that really fuck them up?”
“Nah, but if you keep moving, you’ll waste your stupidly expensive eyeliner.”
Lea sighed and looked up, locking eyes with Isa for a moment. “I’m done moving now, you can keep drawing on me.”
“Okay. Thank you.” Isa gently hit Lea’s nose with the pencil and moved to the other cheek to carefully draw the outline.
“I’m sorry for making you see me like that. I’d understand if you’re mad at me.”
“What?” Isa froze, hit by Lea’s sudden words. Resuming the topic hadn’t been expected. “Mad?”
“Yeah. I’d be mad.”
“You’d be mad if you walked in on me… contemplating…” Isa took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Would you really be mad if it were me?”
“... No, I guess not.”
“Then why would I be mad at you?”
“I…”
“You don’t know because that’s stupid. I knew you were an idiot, but I didn’t know it was that bad.” Somehow, even through calling Lea an idiot, Isa’s voice was soft and comforting. Scared too. “Just don’t leave me like that and I won’t be mad, alright?”
“I’ll try my best.”
“Want to tell me what made you do that?” Isa resumed drawing the second tear onto Lea’s face.
“I killed people. I snapped and suddenly people who I’d known for years were dead. I know why I did that… I know it worked out… I know he wasn’t exactly the most morally upstanding person before Xehanort… but I killed him. And Zexion. Ienzo was a kid, Isa.”
“I know. I’m sorry I made you do that.”
“It’s worse that they’re not mad at me now.”
“They both wish nothing more than to atone for their actions. They know. Even without knowing our plan to find her and… everyone else they hurt… they know we had our reasons.”
“But-...”
“I know, Lea. You’re too good for what Axel was.” Isa moved the pencil away and leaned down to kiss Lea’s forehead. “I’m sorry for pushing you to be worse than just empty. It all feels like it was almost for nothing and I know that. Everyone knows you apologize every other sentence to anyone you might have hurt as Axel. You’re better than anyone deserves.”
Lea sighed and reached to hold Isa’s free hand, twisting his arm a bit to do so. “Can we be done?”
“Of course.”
“Okay… You know you deserve good, right?”
“Yes, I know.”
“I don’t believe you, but alright.”
Isa leaned back and looked at Lea’s face, sighing and placing the eyeliner pencil on the bridge of Lea’s nose. “I’m done. You’ve got your lucky charms and nothing’s gonna hurt you, not even yourself.”
Lea took a moment to focus on keeping still so the pencil would stay balanced on his nose before responding to Isa, “I love you.”
Isa modded and leaned down to kiss Lea’s forehead again, accidentally knocking the pencil from Lea’s nose. “I know. I love you too…” Isa paused and leaned back again before tapping the side of Lea’s head, smiling with what looked like tears in his eyes. “Got it memorized?”