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My Dearest Deceit,
I apologize for not saying this to you in person, but whenever you turn to face me the light catches on your scales, and I find myself speechless. Within my kingdom I hold unimaginable wealth, jewels of untold worth. Yet, the pale in comparison to you. Your beauty strikes me, matched only by one other, and I lose the courage that I so pride myself on when it comes to speaking with you. If I could perhaps find the words that matched the feelings that overwhelm me-
When the first one arrived, Deceit almost missed it entirely. If he took a rare moment to be honest with himself, he would admit that he never expected any of the other Sides to know where his room was, let alone go out of their way to leave something at his door. Not that he would ever let anyone know that he tripped over the box left right by his door as he entered his room.
Deceit stumbled, righting himself before he hit the ground. He spun on his heels, shoulders already rising in defense. His eyes landed on a small, now somewhat dented, cardboard box sitting by his door. Peculiar.
He gritted his teeth and reached out to prod it carefully with his foot. He skittered back. Nothing happened, and Deceit eyed the box warily. Either Thomas’s mind had conjured something for him- unlikely- or someone had left it for him. The thought made almost less sense than Thomas making something for him, even unconsciously.
Deceit knew exactly how he stood in the Mindscape. He was fine with it. It better helped him do his job. Affection wasn’t needed to protect Thomas.
Deceit crouched down and poked at the box again. Only when it still did nothing, did Deceit pry the top open to see what sat inside. He stared, mind going blank at what he saw. A bright yellow bouquet of flowers, lined with purple ribbons sat inside. His colors. And on top, with Roman’s elegant scrawl, an envelope baring his name.
Deceit slammed the box closed. He took a deep breath. A trick. It had to be a trick or a prank of some sort. Roman most likely had gotten bored, and thought up something to amuse himself. Deceit pressed a hand to the top of the box. This though, seemed almost thoughtlessly cruel. Pretending to hold affection for amusement seemed to run more up Virgil’s alley than Roman’s.
Deceit tapped his fingers on the box. A small worm of doubt wriggled through his thoughts. What if it wasn’t a trick?
He hissed through his teeth. He didn’t have time for this. Whatever Roman wanted, Deceit refused to humor him. Not when it already ached to watch the way he curled up with Logan in the common room. Deceit wasn’t Virgil. He knew a hopeless situation when he saw one, and he could move past it.
He stood up stiffly, the box gripped tightly between his hands. He strode robotically to his closet, shoved the box into the farthest corner he could and slammed the door shut. He stood in front of it for a long moment, hand resting on the wood. He took a deep breath and turned away.
He had work to do.
Deceit,
For an innumerable amount of time, I have held a firm belief that the emotion known as “love” transpired simply because of a chemical reaction. This still holds true, however, perhaps, a chemical reaction could mean something more. I will not ignore the situation between Roman and I, but such as a chemical is formed by several molecules bonding together, I feel as if there is something between us all-
Logan’s head rested on Deceit’s shoulder. Deceit breathed slowly, and inched his way out from the pile that Roman and Logan had dragged him into. He gently laid Logan’s head on Roman’s lap and walked towards the television. He flicked the screen off, the music from the movie’s title screen cutting out and dousing the entire room in silence.
He flexed his fingers, curling them in and out of fists. He didn’t know why Roman and Logan sought him out each day. All he knew was that it tore at him, clawing at his chest. He could fake it, could smile as if having their relationships shoved in his face over and over again didn’t hurt. It was better, easier than losing the fleeting precious moments that he got with them.
He was selfish.
God, he was so selfish. He’d tear himself inside out if it meant that he got to see them smile one more time. Had they not been in love with each other, maybe Deceit would have fought for them. He would have pulled out all his charm and grace to pull the object of his desire to his side. Only-
Only he wanted them both happy, and they were happy with each other.
Deceit reached out and brushed the hair out of Roman’s face. He could hear Patton still shuffling about, and felt safe in conjuring a blanket to tuck around the sleeping couple. They’d all assume it had been Patton in the morning that way. No need to worry about anyone thinking he had gone soft.
He straightened, throwing his shoulders back as he made himself leave the room. They wouldn’t want him there come morning anyways. He told himself that he didn’t want to be there either. It would be too warm and Roman would probably elbow him in the ribs and Logan would get them up at an ungodly hour in the name of a healthy sleep schedule.
Deceit slunk back to his room, keeping half an eye out for Virgil or Patton. Virgil had been strangely quiet lately; it set Deceit on edge. He hated the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Anxiety and Deception pushed and pulled at each other too much for Deceit to feel like Virgil had just dropped their feud out of nowhere.
Patton on the other hand, had flipped from a wary distance to trying to mimic Roman and Logan and pull him into everything.
He didn’t know why. The thought itched under his scales. If he didn’t know their motivations he couldn’t act the way that they wanted. The villain or the anti-hero. Not only would it affect the tenuous relationships he had with the rest of Thomas’s mind, but it would make his job that much harder to do.
He fiddled with the edge of his cape, footsteps echoing down the empty hall. He froze. His eyes on a single envelope taped to his door. His name written on it again, only this time in Logan’s careful, clear script.
He couldn’t breathe.
Deceit snatched the envelope from the door, and stormed inside.
He hadn’t thought that Logan of all people would stoop to do this too.
My Dearest Deceit,
Do you remember the first time that we started to get along? A moment that has long been etched into my bones and filtered through my lungs. I’ll never forget the way my view of you changed, the blood tinted glasses I had seen you through shattered so thoroughly that I had to pick them back up to arrange them into stained glass instead. And oh, what a display you make. One day I hope you can see it-
They didn’t stop.
Deceit gritted his teeth each time he found another box with a gift inside of it. Chocolates, a new cape, a weighted blanket that must have been Logan’s idea, a chess set and more joined the flowers in the back of his closet. He wanted though, god he wanted it to be that they were truly putting that much thought into him.
His hands itched to pull the gift- objects, they weren’t gifts not really- out and put them to use. Sleep under the comforting weight of the blanket, to see the way the flowers would brighten up his room without clashing, to drink from the mug shaped like a coiled snake. He wanted to soak in the second hand love they offered him. He could pretend it was more than that.
The letters on the other hand, the letters stacked up on his desk. The envelops of the few that he had read sat scattered along his floor. He fiddled with the latest gift, a simple chain necklace that he could slip under his clothes and no one would ever have to see. Another comforting weight that could make going through his days a little bit easier.
He ground his teeth together and wished that he had the fangs Roman had accused him of having once. Perhaps then they wouldn’t feel comfortable enough to play this sort of game with him. He slammed the box closed and threw it at his closet, trying not to care when it collided with the door.
Paper crinkled in his hands as his fingers curled around the letter. He just wanted to know their motivations . How it would end if he didn’t keep them happy. When it would end, once they got what they wanted. They hated him, or at the very least didn’t trust him, which meant something had to have set this off.
He breathed out slowly and smoothed out the letter. His eyes scanned over the words written there, almost against his own common sense. Reading whatever the others were saying to him wouldn’t help at all.
His eyes caught on a simple line.
- if one were to compare us to a balance, then you would be the fulcrum in the middle, bringing the balance to us all-
Anger rushed through his chest. Deceit remembered a similar line in one of Logan’s letters. Something about being the middle ground between them, a much needed mediator. They wanted someone to help them with their relationship, nothing more. They probably didn’t want to bother one of the other two with it, so they had resorted to bribing him into it.
Anger felt so much easier to swallow than pain.
His fingers curled around the letter. He growled under his breath and crumpled the whole mess into a ball. He stomped over to his desk, sweeping the rest of the letter into his arms before dumping it all in his trash can. He refused to be used like that. If they wanted help, they could go to Patton.
He snatched the necklace up from off the floor and stuffed it into the back of his closet with the other untouched presents. Deceit sneered at the pile, viciously glad that he hadn’t used any of them, not if it meant falling for their tricks.
He slammed the closet door shut and resolved to find someplace to lock the trash up.
He didn’t think about the fact that he still didn’t want to simply throw it all away.
Deceit,
It has not escaped my notice that you have not been properly taking care of yourself. Proper nutrition, hydration and rest are necessary to perform at optimal capacity. Something we have noticed is of grave importance to you. I appreciate that you put Thomas first so rigorously, but I wish that you would take care of yourself in the same manner. You getting hurt is the last thing that we want-
Deceit tried to avoid them. It hurt somewhere deep in his heart to ignore them at all, but if there was one thing he had learned it was that no one would look out for him other than himself. He would keep Thomas safe, even from himself. From everything and everyone.
“Deceit.”
It took a concentrated effort not to react to Logan’s voice. His shoulders inched up fractionally as he strode past Logan without a second glance. He could see Logan’s frown out of the corner of his eye as tried to focus on heading to his next job. Thomas couldn’t lie to himself on his own.
It didn’t stop Logan from following along at his heels. Deceit fought off a frown of his own. He wanted Logan to leave. He wanted to pull Logan closer and never let go.
“Deceit,” Logan said again, sharper, and Deceit gave in to the ache of his heart just a little. He turned too smoothly to be completely human and felt disappointed when Logan didn’t flinch the way that he used to. He crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow at the other Side.
“Ah, Logic, I didn’t see you there.”
“Lie,” Logan said stiffly, his shoulders thrown back. Deceit tried not to care about the exhausted way that Logan held himself. He bit back the need to tell Logan that he’d take care of everything for a while, even if it was a lie. Logan wouldn’t call him on it and Deceit could work knowing that Logan was resting-
He shook his head of that thought, and stared at Logan instead.
“Ah, and here I thought that I was supposed to lie,” Deceit mused, studying his nails instead of Logan’s face.
“Actually, deceptions as you are based around is more than simply lying.” Deceit shoved down the warm amusement that curled around his chest at Logan’s lecturing tone. Logan didn’t care about him that way, if at all. “In fact there would be times in which speaking the truth would benefit a deception more than a lie-”
Logan cut himself off. Deceit watched him reach up to fiddle with his tie and then his glasses in clear nervousness that Logan would normally avoid showing. He didn’t want to feel proud that Logan felt like he could show emotions around him.
“You’ve been avoiding us,” Logan said bluntly. Deceit didn’t flinch but it was a near thing. “Why?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Deceit lied blandly, already turning to leave. He could call Logan on the game he’d been playing with Roman. The thought of it made Deceit’s stomach roll, and if he never asked, he’d never have to taint the few bright memories of them he had. He could keep lying to himself.
Logan’s hand shot out and wrapped around his wrist. Deceit jerked back in surprise but Logan didn’t let go. The warm touch seared against Deceit’s skin. He struggled against the urge to lean even closer to Logan’s body warmth and instead looked at Logan once more.
“Lie,” Logan said quietly, his frown almost etched on his face. His grip on Deceit’s wrist tightened. “Past data shows that you were fine with spending time with us until only a few days ago, at which point your usual behavior changed drastically. We were unable to puzzle out the catalyst that caused the changed, and agreed that I should approached you about the situation.”
Deceit rolled his eyes.
“Maybe I want some time to myself,” he said sarcastically. “I’m still doing my job. There’s nothing you have to worry about. I’d be a moron to duck out like Virgil. Go back to be a loving family without me or whatever.”
“Ah,” Logan said carefully, “You believe that I am speaking about all of the other Sides.” Deceit tilted his head to the side in confusion. “Come,” Logan tugged on his arm, “It would be more expedient to show you rather than explain.”
Deceit thought about refusing. All he had to do was tug his arm out of Logan’s grip and disappear. He was good at that. If he didn’t want the others to find him, they would never manage it. Logan’s grip felt warm against his skin, and something in Logan’s voice pulled him in the direction that Logan wanted.
They stopped in front of Logan’s room. Logan let of of Deceit’s wrist and his eyebrows twisted as he focused. Logan stumbled as a tray of mugs appeared in his hands, and Deceit shoved down the urge to help him balance. Logan nudged his door open, gesturing for Deceit to enter.
A lump laid wrapped up on Logan’s bed.
“Roman,” Logan called out and the lump groaned.
“I’m heartbroken,” Roman said back, a distinct whine in his voice, “Leave me alone to wallow and die in my pain. There’s nothing you can do for me, my love, he’s rejected us-”
“Roman,” Logan interrupted him. “I brought tea and Deceit. He thinks that all of us missed him for not doing his job.”
Deceit blinked, only to stagger back as Roman’s weight slammed into him. Arms wrapped around his waist and dragged him towards Logan’s bed. A fragile hope bloomed in his chest. He tried to ignore it even as Roman all but shoved him into the bed and curled up into his side.
“Falsehood! Lies! Blasphemy!” Roman shouted, gripping Deceit tight enough that his breath caught. “You’d better have told him-”
“I did,” Logan finished, settling in on Deceit’s other side with a smug look on his face. He handed Deceit a mug. Deceit took it robotically, trying to process everything that was happening. Logan’s shoulder pressed against his and Roman plastered himself against him even more than he already did. “It may take some time for it to register however.”
“Fine, we’ve got all the time in the world.” Roman’s voice ghosted over Deceit’s throat as he slung a leg over Deceit’s effectively trapping him in place. Not that Deceit wanted to move. Logan cracked open a book at his side and Roman hummed against his chest. Deceit opened his mouth to say something, anything, only for them both to shush him gently.
“Cuddle time is quiet time,” Logan said.
“Cuddle time is quiet time,” Roman parroted and Deceit caught Logan’s lips twitching upwards out of the corner of his eye. He felt lost, treading water he couldn’t see through but he didn’t dare disturb the moment. He leaned back against Logan’s shoulder and closed his eyes.
He thought about pulling their letters out of his trash can.
He thought about letting himself hope again.
My Dearest Deceit,
Your passion burns like a fire untamed. It lights up my life with flickering energy and a heat that I dare not shake. Your eyes turn to molten gold, such that I wonder what you could mold with them. Could you reshape the world? You have certainly reshaped mine. The way you debate with Logan shakes the foundation of the room and I wish for nothing more than to watch your resplendent figures clash for the rest of my life-
Anger coursed through Deceit’s veins and he ground his teeth together. He straightened as much as he could, trying to loom over Logan despite them being the same height. Logan glared right back at him, tapping his foot. A part of Deceit wanted to reach out and shake Logan until he saw sense.
“It doesn’t make any sense,” Logan snapped at him. Deceit snarled at him. Logan looked down his nose at him. “Thomas loses nothing by telling the truth. Admitting to an honest mistake means that he can accept help and learn-”
“His reputation,” Deceit hissed back. Frustration licked at the back of his throat. He had thought- hoped- that talking to them more would help them see his side of situations like this.
“-and learn,” Logan spoke over him, jaw set stubbornly, “what he should do in such a situation next time around. He cannot do that if he doesn’t-” Logan flipped through his flash cards and held one up, “-‘come clean’ about the encounter.”
“He can learn it on his own,” Deceit countered. Frustration itched under his skin and he wanted to run. Run until he didn’t feel anything anymore. Until he could go back to trying manipulate them into what he wanted without guilt blocking the way. The thought of doing that now made his stomach curl up into knots. “He can learn and maintain his reputation at the same time.”
“He won’t learn as well!” Logan’s hands curled into fists. Any other time Deceit would have admired the storm in Logan’s eyes and the cut of his jaw. Now it made him want to scream. Logan took half a step forward. “Feedback from peers is scientifically proven to help improve new expertise in a skill. Thomas would learn more efficiently and reliably with help from others.”
Just get rid of me then why don’t you? Deceit bit down on the words that wanted to drift past his lips. Bitterness turned the normal excitement of a debate with Logan into something unshakably negative. Just like he was apparently. He tried not to think of Logan’s speech denouncing him, the one given before they had started to get along.
What if Logan’s thoughts on him and his function hadn’t changed at all?
“Deceit,” Roman tried to cut in, a hand coming up between the two of them. Deceit shoved it down, desperation fueling his actions. If he wasn’t heard now, when would he ever be?
“They’ll judge him,” Deceit grasped at straws, well aware that he sounded like Virgil in that moment. “They won’t ask him for help as much, which will affect his relationship with them and set Virgil off. He’ll lose standing with them, and then everything will fall apart.”
“You are allowing cognitive distortions to get in the way of your thinking,” Logan pinched the bridge of his nose and adjusted his glasses. Roman glanced between the two of them hovering awkwardly. “You’re smarter than this Deceit, on moment of honesty about a mistake will not ruin his life.”
“No but he’s always honest about his mistakes,” Deceit hissed. His chest ached and a part of him just wanted to beg them to understand. To listen to him. “Honest about his thoughts and his feelings. Honest about his mistakes and his actions. Honesty is the best policy, is it not?”
“Perhaps there is simply no use in lying,” Logan said, so simply that Deceit flinched back as if Logan had struck him. His heartbeat roared in his ears, muffling any other sound. He took a deliberate step back and looked away from the way that Logan’s eyes widened.
“Fine,” he said, amazed that his voice remained steady even when his hands shook so hard he thought his gloves were going to fall off. “Fine then. I can learn when I’m not wanted.”
Deceit tugged his cape tighter around his shoulders and sunk out before either of them could protest. He didn’t want to hear anymore of their lies. He would have felt almost proud of what they had pulled off if he wasn’t trying to hold himself together by the seams. He stumbled as he landed in his room and hated that he wanted to pull out the blanket they gave him to curl under until the whole world went away.
He wouldn’t duck out though. He wouldn’t do that to Thomas, and he would much rather find a way to shove their cruelty in their face than run away. He would make them regret their choice, just as soon as he figured out how.
Deceit’s eyes landed on the letters on his desk. He stormed over and swiped the neatly stacked pile into his arms. Heartbreak and anger and hurt mixed together and he didn’t think about his actions as he sunk back out of his room and into the kitchen.
Logan and Roman’s heads snapped up in his direction, but Deceit slammed the letters down on the table before they could say anything.
“You can keep your games to yourself,” he snarled at him. His hands stung from the force he had slammed the letters down. His heart ached from assumptions and hopes that had been broken. He should have known better.
Deceit slipped out before they could try to trick him once more. He didn’t go back to his room, instead he slipped into the shadows of Thomas’s mind. He wanted to get lost in them until he felt numb again. He never wanted to see either of them ever again.
Deceit,
At times, our functions clash. Deception is not always logical I realize, and perhaps that it why you are so fascinating. Roman once described it as looking through a fractured mirror, though what cosmetic furniture has to do with this I do not know. You are, almost frustratingly, incredibly intelligent. Thomas would be lesser without you, and in the end, my own life would be lesser-
Deceit didn’t know how long he curled up in the shadows. He backed himself into a metaphorical corner and tried to feed the flames of anger with his hurt. Mostly he just felt tired. He missed the days when what the others thought of him didn’t matter.
There were jobs that someone had to do, ones that would make kinder people balk. Deceit did them gladly, if it meant that Thomas would be happy. Patton would certainly never do it. Virgil might have before he became obsessed with being liked. Roman was too caught up in good versus evil. Logan would end up following the rest, by choice or not.
Which left Deceit.
Slow footsteps approached him.
“I’m not sorry,” he muttered, voice muffled by his arms and legs. He didn’t move to look up at them. He didn’t even twitch. He wanted to stay in the darkness between his legs and his cape, carefully covered by his hat.
One of them sighed.
A hand plucked his hat off of his head. The absolute dark around him lightened to something closer to grey. Fingers combed gently through his hair and scratched at his scalp. Deceit didn’t lean into the feeling no matter how good it felt.
“I am, however,” Logan said quietly, somewhere to Deceit’s right. A hand brushed against his arm, “I apologize for the way that my words came off earlier. Lying and deception, you have uses regardless of the morality involved.”
The hand in his hair slowed, and Deceit felt someone press up against his legs, shin to thighs. Roman’s broad shouldered form pulled him forward, into an awkward hug. Deceit didn’t fight him on the action, slumping into the hold. Warmer than his little ball, even if it would leave earlier.
“Beautiful darling,” Roman murmured, his hand in Deceit’s hair drifting down to caress his cheek. Soft against his scales. “Would you explain to us what you mean by our games?”
Deceit rolled his eyes.
“I’m not a moron,” he muttered to Roman’s shoulder. “You wanted someone to mediate your relationship, or to see who could woo someone else better. I couldn’t figure out which.”
Roman made a wounded noise in the back of his throat, and Logan’s hand rested against his arm. Deceit blinked as they all shuffled and he found himself sitting on Roman’s lap. Logan leaned against them both and and gently took Deceit’s hand in his own.
“Roman,” Logan said slowly, “has been singing your praises non-stop for weeks. It is enough that I am beginning to long for the return of the Disney anthology.”
“Logan!” Roman cut over Logan’s voice and Deceit felt something warm unfurling in his chest, “Spent those weeks looking up moral philosophers about lying and researching snakes because and I quote ‘I’m not going to lose just because he has pretty eyes and knows what he’s talking about.’”
“What we are trying to say,” Logan said quickly, and Deceit felt his lips twitch upwards at the flush on his cheeks, “is that courting you was never a game to us.”
“We love you!” Roman declared, hugging Deceit even tighter. Deceit carefully leaned back against his chest, wondering if he should trust them. They didn’t sound like they were lying. Logan’s eyes stayed steady on his face as he murmured.
“We wanted you to be happy.”
Deceit swallowed years of pain and bitterness. He clung to the hope that they brought with them, to the warmth that they offered. He wanted. They were offering, and trick or not, Deceit knew that he was too selfish to turn down what he wanted when it was right in front of him.
He twisted his hand so that he could grip Logan’s, and tugged the collar of his cape up with his other one.
“Well, you two have a shit way of showing that,” Deceit muttered, trying to hide his grin.
“Lie,” Logan said, something warm and bright in his voice.
And yeah, that one was a lie.
Dear Deceit,
We have discussed our feelings with each other and this much is clear: we love you. So much. You are an angel brought to us on high. You bring us a previously untold happiness. We hope, one day to show you just how much we care. Roman insists that we won’t give up, and I am inclined to agree. If you would have us, we’re yours.
Forever with love,
Logan & Roman
Idiots,
My room. Tonight. Disney and podcasts for cuddles. Or whatever. It’s a date.
Love,
Deceit