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Over the course of her long, long life, Lup had been many things.
Twin.
Chef.
Wizard.
Scientist.
Astronaut.
Lich.
Umbrella.
Saviour of the universe.
Y’know.
The good stuff.
And life was good! Life was great. Awesome. Absolutely, 100% peachy.
No more apocalypse! No more Hunger! No more dying all the fucking time! No more sitting in a dark, empty room, isolated from everyone she’d ever loved!
Obviously, everything was…
Okay, so.
Maybe everything… wasn’t … fine.
Maybe some things were sorta…
Bad.
Maybe.
But that—
That didn’t matter , okay? That wasn’t important, right now, not when there was just so much other shit to deal with.
Maybe Lup was Not Actually Doing So Hot, Really, but when Taako was waking up every night with night terrors, when Barry was dealing with some pretty major separation anxiety, when there was suddenly a kid who Taako had, apparently, pseudo-adopted who needed taking care of, when the world needed to be literally rebuilt , did it really matter how Lup was feeling?
Answer: no.
Look, she had a job to do, and it was the sort of fucking job she’d always had—watch out for her family.
And by fucking golly-gee , she was gonna do it.
“I’m fine. I’m fine, really, babe, don’t—don’t worry about me, just—I’m okay,” she said, grinning over at Barry, who raised an eyebrow at her.
“You sure?” he asked, taking her hand, and it took all of Lup’s considerable will power not to sigh in relief.
He was real. She was real. She was real, and present, and holding hands with Barold J. Bluejeans, and things were going to be fine .
She was fine .
“Mhm. Totally. Babe, what floor did Taako say he was on?”
“Uh… fifteen? Sixteen? Somewhere up there.”
“Oh,” Lup said, painting another wide grin across her face. “That’s—alright. Pretty high up, isn’t it?”
“Not compared to living on an actual spaceship , but yeah,” Barry said.
Fifteen floors.
Fifteen floors in a tiny, little-bitty elevator, with no windows, and—and the walls weren’t black, weren’t velvet, but—
“Seriously, Lup, are you alright?” Barry asked, moving to lay a hand on her cheek, his thumb resting just below the corner of her eye. “Wait, holy shit, are you—Lup, babe, you’re crying . What’s—what’s wrong?”
Was she?
She couldn’t tell.
Couldn’t feel , couldn’t feel anything besides the warm points of contact where Barry’s hand rested against her face. Couldn’t see anything but long, black curtains, couldn’t hear anything but the ringing in her ears.
“Lup, babe, look at me. Listen to me. Focus on me , alright? Not—nothing else. Just me, okay?” Barry said—maybe? It was hard to tell, hard to figure out if it was him or just some silly figment of her imagination, something to keep her occupied while she sat alone in this stupid room with the stupid curtains inside her own stupid umbrella —
“We—shit, okay, well. It’s—we’re almost there, alright? Almost there, almost out. We’re gonna go see Taako, okay? We’re gonna see Taako, he’s got—he’s got his new apartment, y’know? He’s all excited about that, I’m sure—sure he won’t shut up about it, once we get there. And we’re almost there, I—I promise, okay, Lup?”
Lup leaned into his touch, trying to find something, anything , to ground her, to make her feel real and whole and like a person again.
She didn’t—she didn’t have time for this .
She was supposed to be making brunch and drinking mimosas with her brother to celebrate him finally moving into his new apartment, not having a mental breakdown in an elevator because the room was small and poorly lit .
“Okay, babe, we—this is 13, so… yeah, yeah, 14, 15, 16, and… shit, okay, c’mon, Lu,” Barry said, steering her out of the elevator by the shoulders.
Light .
Bright light, streaming in through windows at either end of the hall, from the sconces on the walls, walls that were covered in pale blue wallpaper, nothing dark or secluded or—
Barry shoulder-checked a door marked 1607 open and all but shoved Lup inside.
The walls were covered in art, in paintings and collages and streamers, and the floor was covered in brightly-coloured rugs. There were bookcases filled with spellbooks and cookbooks and—
Someone’s voice—her brother’s voice, Taako’s voice —was saying, "No, shut up, here's the thing: you bite into a Cheeto-puff and you learn the greatest truth of our time: crunchy Cheetos should not fucking exist."
The world slowly came back into focus, and Lup released a breath she hadn’t realised she was holding.
“Taako! Taako, c’mere, it’s—Lup’s having, I dunno, a panic attack? Or something I don’t know, man, but she’s—it’s not good,” Barry was saying, still holding her hands. He looked back at her, and there was such concern in his eyes that it made her heart hurt.
“Don’t—don’t worry,” she said, but her voice sounded small, even to her own ears. “I’m okay, I’m—I’m alright.”
“Lulu?” Taako asked, pushing Barry to the side, placing his hands on her face, looking over her quickly. “You—you with us?”
“Yeah,” she muttered. “I’m fine.”
“Okay, yeah, sure, that—that sounds like bullshit, but sure,” Taako said, turning her face back and forth. “You need to sit?”
“I…”
“C’mon. Sofa’s set up, Krav is—Krav, could you get Lulu some water? Please?” Taako said, leading Lup to the sofa with Barry dutifully trailing along behind her.
Gods, she loved him.
A moment later, she was sinking into soft cushions, a thick, knitted blanket draped across her lap and a glass of water shoved into her hands. “Drink,” Taako ordered. “And once that’s done, we—you gotta tell us what’s up, dude. I get that you’re, like, a badass lich-wizard, but you can’t just—this isn’t okay.”
“Lizard,” Lup muttered as she took another drink of her water.
“What?” Barry asked. “What about lizards? Lup? What does—is there—what—”
His voice was traveling up the octaves like fucking fantasy-Whitney Houston, and if Lup was in any state to laugh, she would have.
“Lich-wizard,” she said instead. “Lizard. Babe, we’re lizards .”
Taako burst out laughing. “That— holy shit , that— oh my gods , that’s incredible, I—” He was wheezing in that loud, uncontrollable way he did when something really got him, doubled over on the floor in front of the sofa.
“I…” Barry said, and then he didn’t say anything, and Lup could almost see the gears turning in his head as he processed what she’s said. “ That’s what you’re focussing on right now?”
“Yup.”
“ Lup .”
“ Lizards ,” Taako gasped from the floor.
“Lup, babe, we—Taako’s right. You gotta tell us what’s going on. You’ve been acting sort of off for a while now, and I wasn’t going to mention it because—well, anyway, I wasn’t going to mention it, but if you’re not okay, we have to talk about it, and—and we’re not going to get distracted by you calling us lizards ,” Barry said. He placed a soft kiss on her cheek. “You work so hard to take care of us. Let us take care of you.”
Lup sighed and downed the rest of the water.
Now, out of the elevator and the dark and the oppressive feeling of those walls closing in on her, the whole thing seemed even more ridiculous than it had at the moment. What had she been afraid of? That she was—that she was somehow back in—that she’d gotten—that none it was—
She tightened her grip on the blanket as she noticed her breath quickening.
“Babe? Babe, look at me, just—you’re okay, okay? You’re safe. You’re here with me, and Taako, and—and Kravitz is here, somewhere,” Barry said, and a moment later Taako sat up, climbed up on the couch next to her and wrapped an arm around her.
“Deep breaths, Lulu. Just—in and out, capiche? Nod if you capiche.”
Lup nodded.
“Okay, that’s—good. Great. Awesome,” Taako continued. “Now, can you tell me five things you can see?”
Lup blinked once, twice, eyes refocussing on the room around her, pulled out of the darkness of her memories. “The blanket,” she said. “The coffee table. A mug. Barry. You.”
“Four things you can hear.”
Lup bit her lip. “The kitchen sink, Kravitz’s awkward humming, Barry’s breathing, you.”
“Three you can feel.”
She took another deep breath, feeling herself resettle in her body. “The blanket is… soft. And this couch is really fucking comfortable. And you and Barry are both lying on top of me,” she said.
“Two you can smell.”
“Taako, it’s fine, I’m good, it’s over—”
“Lup. Please. For me. Two you can smell.”
“You’re making muffins, and Barry’s got on the new cologne I got him for Candlenights,” Lup stated.
“Great. One you can taste.”
Lup huffed and rolled her eyes, but she leaned over and kissed Barry on the cheek.
Surely that—surely that proved it, right? See? She was fine. She was making lizard jokes and kissing her husband, it was—
Things were fine .
“That was gross.”
“You’re gross.”
“Yeah, but—Lup what the fuck is going on?”
There was nothing playful about Taako’s tone, now. All teasing and laughter were gone, and instead, her twin was staring at her with a seriousness he usually didn’t possess.
“The umbrastaff,” Lup whispered. “I—back in the elevator, it was small and dark and I—it felt like I was back inside the umbrastaff.”
“Oh, shit,” Taako muttered. He pulled Lup into a tight hug for a moment before quickly pulling back. “Wait, shit, is that—are you cool with touch, right now? I should’ve asked before—”
“S’fine, babe,” Lup interrupted, pulling Taako back in, close to her chest.
Close to her heart.
“I’m so sorry, Lu, I should’ve—I didn’t even think, I—” Barry stammered, taking her hands and squeezing tight, pressing a kiss to her forehead.
“Not your fault,” Lup countered. “How were you supposed to know? I didn’t mention it.”
“You should have,” Barry said.
“I had it handled.”
“Oh, obviously,” Taako grumbled. “That’s why you had a panic attack in my super awesome living room instead of dope cranberry-orange muffins in my super awesome kitchen.”
“I did . Or, I did until we got on that fucking elevator.”
“Maybe so,” Barry said in a tone that conveyed that he actually 100% did not think maybe so . “But you—you know you don’t have to have it handled, right, babe? Like that’s why we’re here. So we can help you handle shit.”
“You guys have enough going on without—”
“If you finish that sentence Lup, I swear to all the gods —” Taako said, covering her mouth with his hand. “Do you honestly—do you seriously think that we could ever—that I could ever—have too much going on to help you when you’re—when you’re dealing with stuff? Really?”
What Lup was trying to say was But you shouldn’t have to , but since Taako’s hand muffled her words, what really came out was, “Bu’ oo uhn’ af tuh.”
“What?”
Lup rolled her eyes and licked Taako’s hand.
“Ew! Gross, what the fuck? You could’ve just—just asked me to please move my hand —”
“But you shouldn’t have to deal with my shit, Taako! Neither of you should! You spent—you guys spent so long alone, dealing with so much, and I shouldn’t come back just to—just to make shit more complicated!”
Taako and Barry blinked at her.
“Babe,” Barry said after a second. “Babe, we want to help you. You’re not—you’re not making shit more complicated. You’re—fucking shit , Lup! We want you. All of you. All the—all the weird bits and hard bits and stupid bits and frustrating bits. We want it because it’s you and we love you .”
“You’re my sister,” Taako said. “And, hands down, the most important person in my life—no offense, Krav!”
“None taken!” Kravitz called from where he was awkwardly fiddling around in the kitchen.
“Anyway. You mean everything to me. So just—just fucking jot that down. I love you, and there is nothing you could do that would make my life worse . Except, like. Leaving. Again. Or something. But anyway. I love you,” Taako said, the words rushed and faux-casual.
She pulled him closer.
“Okay,” she murmured. “Okay. I… alright. I trust you guys, and if you say you—you want to be all up in my bullshit, then… I dunno. Grab a fucking shovel, I guess.”
Taako and Barry both laughed, and then Kravitz told them the muffins were ready to eat, and then the four of them sat at Taako’s cluttered breakfast table, digging into brunch and laughing and smiling and—
And everything wasn’t okay.
But it was going to be .