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Allura winced as she walked down the hallway and heard the sounds of vomiting coming from Keith’s bunk. This was the third night since he’d stopped taking the mood stabilizers she’d given him, and every night since he’d been up until the early hours, throwing up everything he’d eaten that day.
Pidge had explained the concept of withdrawal to her and Coran, but hearing it still made her want to rush him to the infirmary and stick him in a healing pod until it stopped.
She paused outside of his door. Her instinct was to pass by, knowing how moody he’d been the last few days and more than aware of the fact that speaking to him now would probably result in getting snapped at. But the whole point of this was her trying to connect with her Paladins and see them as people, not merely as assets.
So she set her shoulders back, quietly rapped her knuckles on the door, and slipped inside.
The room was pitch black inside, the only light coming from the open bathroom door. Allura approached, taking care that her footsteps were audible, and stopped just outside of the threshold.
Keith was kneeling on the floor in front of the toilet. He was shaking, sweat sticking his hair and his shirt to his skin, and as she watched he heaved again, though nothing seemed to come up, and when it ended he slumped with fatigue. A pang of guilt ran through her.
“Keith?”
“What do you want?” Keith groaned without turning around. He sounded exhausted.
“Nothing, I just wanted to…” She almost said ‘make sure you’re alright’, but that would be silly. He clearly wasn’t. “To see if I could help.”
Keith shook his head. Even from the doorway Allura could see how the motion made him pale even further, but he didn’t retch again, even though he looked like he wanted to.
“Just leave me alone.”
Well, as much as she wanted to spare both herself and Keith the awkwardness, she couldn’t do that. So instead she went over to his bed and collected the blanket, then returned to drape it over his trembling shoulders. His skin was clammy to the touch, and as he clutched it more closely around his body, Allura caught a glimpse of his tear-streaked face through his hair.
She sank to her knees at his side. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No,” said Keith, turning his head away. “I’m just--” his voice cracked. “Tired. I just want to sleep.”
For a moment there was silence as Allura wracked her brain for a solution. She wasn’t entirely sure how to deal with sick, upset humans. Especially not one like Keith, who hid from any degree of comfort like it would burn him. She considered helping him back to bed, but then he lurched forward into another burst of heaving and she discarded the thought.
But she had to do something. She couldn’t just leave him here like this.
“Here,” she said eventually, settling herself more comfortably on the floor. As gently as she knew how, she tugged Keith closer to her. “Lean on me.”
Keith, as she expected, resisted. “Allura--”
“It’s alright.” It took a minute or two of coaxing, but eventually Keith leaned some of his weight on her side, resting his head on her shoulder. At this proximity it was easier to detect the tiny sobs and hitches in his breath, and on impulse she began to run her fingers through his hair, the way Coran did for her when she was a little girl.
“I hate crying,” Keith muttered after a while of silence. “This is so stupid.”
“It’s not,” Allure answered, blinking rapidly to hold in tears. Keith’s dependence on the medication wasn’t just a physical one-- it had taken his pain away along with everything else, and she could understand why he craved it still. The other Paladins had outlined the healing process, and made it exceedingly clear to her that one of the most important things was convincing Keith that he was allowed to feel his emotions. That they didn’t make him a bad person.
Something all of them had messed up in the past.
“It’s alright to miss Shiro,” she continued, praying that she wasn’t about to ruin the tentative peace between them. “We all do.”
She felt Keith’s muscles stiffen and barely had time to brace herself before he yanked himself away from her.
“You all keep saying that,” he spat at her. He kept the volume of his voice down, not yelling, but the acid in his voice more than made up for it. “That you all miss Shiro. But you don’t-- not like I do. You barely knew him.”
Allura took a breath. She’d been expecting something like this-- Keith’s emotions had been an unpredictable mess ever since he stopped taking the tablets, and he would be prone to outbursts and breakdowns until he got used to regulating them without help. Still, she couldn’t pretend that his words didn’t hurt, but she tried to see it from his perspective.
“You’re right,” she said softly. “We probably don’t know him as well as you do.”
Keith buried his head in his knees, refusing to look at her even as the words began to pour from his lips.
“You don’t understand. Shiro’s all I have. You have Coran, and the others have each other and they have families waiting for them when we go home, but I don’t. There’s only Shiro, and I’ve already lost him once and this time he might not come back--” The sentence ended with a harsh choking sob that he tried to muffle into the blanket. Allura reached for him, but he flinched away.
“Sorry,” he croaked, scrubbing at his cheeks with the blanket. “I’m s-sorry. I shouldn’t t-take it out on you. I’m sorry.”
“I know.” Allura tried to keep her voice calm, even though her throat was closing up. “It’s alright, Keith.”
“This is so stupid,” he said again. “Shiro went through so much and he was still able to be the Black Paladin. But one bad thing happens to me and I fall apart.”
“Keith.” What else could she say? Ancients, she was so bad at this, especially with Keith, but what else could she do? She couldn’t just abandon him here. “You said it yourself; Shiro was important to you. The most important thing, and you’ve lost him once already. It makes sense for you to be upset.”
He didn’t have an answer for that. He just groaned again and curled up tighter, and it was then that Allura realized how long it had been since he’d thrown up.
“Are you feeling better?” prodded Allura. “Do you think you can go back to sleep?”
“I can try,” he mumbled, though he didn’t sound optimistic. Allura stood and helped Keith to his feet, then escorted him across the room to his bed. He collapsed into it, and with the threat of awkwardness returning, Allura made a little show of arranging the blanket around his body before stepping back.
“Sleep well, Keith,” she said as she turned back towards the door. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
As she left, she just barely heard him say, “Thank you, Princess.”
Lance was bored. For the last two weeks he’d been pursued by it, everyone being so busy, so focused on the war. A few weeks ago he could’ve just hunted down Keith and badgered him until he caved and sparred with him or race the Lions or go to the pool.
But then, randomly to Lance’s knowledge, he’d stopped responding. He was calm and placid, and Lance couldn’t get under his skin no matter how hard he tried.
So he got into the habit of, well, lounging in the lounge and waiting for a meeting or battle call to occupy him.
Even though Keith was off the meds, it didn’t occur to Lance to try and find him. He just did what he’d gotten used to doing-- going to the lounge and doing absolutely nothing.
But this time, when he shuffled in and let himself fall onto the sunken couch without looking, he landed on something much bonier than a couch cushion.
“Ah!” Keith cried as he dumped Lance onto the floor. “What the fuck, Lance?”
Lance just sat there for a few seconds, blinking in shock. He wasn’t expecting Keith to be there; he must’ve subconsciously assumed Keith would go back to haunting the training deck now that the meds were gone. But of course he wouldn’t have, not right away, the withdrawal was kicking his ass.
“Sorry,” Lance mumbled, absentmindedly rubbing the sore spot where he’d hit the floor. “Didn’t think anyone would be in here.”
“Yeah,” Keith growled in annoyance. “Surprise surprise, other people exist.”
The comment was scathing, the sort of thing that would normally set off a bickering session. But instead of anger, Lance realized a different feeling was dawning in him.
Relief.
He let out a breath, accented by a quiet laugh. A few weeks ago, Keith would’ve just accepted his apology and went back to his business. This was like the old Keith, with a short temper and little patience. It was proof that Keith was finally himself again.
“What’s so funny?” Keith asked through gritted teeth, and Lance looked up to see him with his eyes closed, fingers pressed to his temples.
A migraine, he realized, and kept his voice at a reasonable volume when he answered.
“Nothing. Just surprised.”
“By what, the idea that other people live in the Castle?”
Lance smothered another laugh. “No. By the fact that I’m actually happy to have you snapping at me again.”
There was a heavy pause. Lance got up and sat on the sofa by Keith’s feet, watching his face carefully. It didn’t give away much before he spoke.
“Sorry. I don’t mean to be… I’m not trying to be an asshole.”
Lance smirked to himself and sat back. He’d actually missed this.
“You’d better not be. There’s only room for one asshole on this Castleship.”
Keith laughed, his eyes shooting open as though in surprise of his own reaction.
“I’ll try not to usurp your position.”
Lance’s smirk grew to a genuine smile. Their conversation only continued for a few more minutes before the intercom came alive, Allura’s voice calling a strategy meeting on the bridge, but that was alright.
Lance was more entertained than he had been in weeks.
Allura woke the next morning dreading the day ahead. The group has decided to avoid combat until Keith recovered from the pills, but that meant focusing on diplomacy, which was no easier now that it had been before.
The group gathered on the bridge after breakfast. Allura allowed Keith to loiter at the back of the room, knowing how much he hated things like this, and joined the other Paladins around the planning board, which was currently displaying a holographic map of the system.
“So,” said Pidge as she leaned against the table, idly spinning one of the planets. “Where are we going now, Allura?” Her tone was flat-- Pidge disliked diplomacy almost as much as Keith.
“That’s what we’re going to decide,” the Princess answered. With a press of her finger, three of the planets on the map rose a few inches, labels bearing their names next to each.
“We have three options. Thacippe, the largest planet in the system, is the first.”
The hologram that she selected lit up blue. All the planets in the system were the same ruddy red, but this one was distinguishable by its size and the numerous silver cities dotting its surface, visible even from space.
“Thacippe has great wealth, but its military has little to offer us. On the other hand, its sister planet Simvaris is home to the largest military in the system, which could be very useful in the war against Zarkon. Though they are by nature more secretive, which could make diplomacy more difficult.”
Pidge groaned, already fed up. “What’s the third option?”
“I think we should go to Thacippe,” Hunk said before Allura could answer. “Weren’t you saying the Coalition needs funding more than anything? Plus,” he added with a sheepish smile, “it sounds like there’s better food there.”
“I agree,” Lance chimed in. “I’ll take the super rich snobby aliens over the secretive military ones any day. No offense to the Blade or anything.”
Allura shot a look in Keith’s direction. It didn’t look like he was paying attention to the conversation-- he had his head in his hands, shielding his eyes from the light. Another headache.
She turned back to the table. “Your opinions are appreciated, but before we make a decision, we should hear all of the options. The third planet--”
“Do we have to?” Lance interrupted, talking over her in a loud voice. “It sounds like we already agreed.”
Pidge rolled her eyes. “What am I, chopped liver?”
Well, that was an alarming sentence, but before Allura could question why humans were chopping up livers Lance was talking again.
“Pidge, listen, listen. This is the one time Allura is giving us some slack, we should take advantage.”
“Excuse me--” Allura began.
“This isn’t a game, Lance,” Pidge snapped back. “Would it kill you to be serious for two seconds?”
“Yes,” Lance replied flatly, “I reserve my serious for moments of imminent death, and we have so many I don’t have any left over.”
“That’s obvious,” she scoffed. Allura watched the back and forth with nervous eyes-- Pidge’s voice had a distinct tension to it that she recognized, and Lance’s easy going smile had vanished.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
Allura saw the moment when Pidge’s patience snapped.
“You always act like being a Paladin is a performance, or a way to get girls or something, but it’s not. This is serious shit. People’s lives depend on these choices, we can’t just take the easiest route--”
“You think I don’t take this seriously?” shouted Lance. Somehow things had gone from friendly banter to genuine anger in a matter of ticks, and Allura was having trouble keeping pace.
“I know you don’t!” snarled Pidge.
“Lance,” said Hunk, trying to mediate, “it’s ok, Pidge just wants us to consider all the options--”
“Newsflash,” Lance said hotly, blatantly ignoring Hunk’s attempts at de-escalation. “Not everyone copes by acting like a robot, Pidge. Just because I make jokes doesn’t mean I’m not goddamn terrified of dying.”
Allura looked helplessly between the two humans. It was true that tempers had been short since Shiro’s disappearance, but she was used to dealing with Keith’s outbursts, not Lance and Pidge.
“Paladins, please, this isn’t helping.”
Pidge made an irritated sound at her, almost like a growl. “Why did you even waste your time with this?” she asked of Allura. “We all know you’re going to be the one making the decision, so why waste all of our time dragging us to these stupid meetings--”
“Jesus Christ, will all of you just shut up?”
The fighting immediately stopped, replaced by shocked silence. All eyes turned to Keith, still holding his head in his hands, shoulders heaving up and down with his accelerated breath.
“You’re all so freaking loud,” he tacked on at the end. It was a mumble this time rather than a yell, but they all heard regardless, and Pidge shared a mollified look with Lance.
The quiet dragged on, none of them knowing what to say. Until Keith sighed and dragged his head up.
“Sorry,” he said, still more quietly, squinting against the painfully bright lights. “I’m sorry. I’m so--” he cut himself off with another tired breath. “I’m sorry I snapped.”
Lance shuffled a few steps closer to him, but Allura merely looked down at the system map to disguise whatever fatigue was showing on her face. Things just kept unraveling, no matter how hard she tried to keep them together.
“Don’t say sorry to us,” Lance said, his anger gone as quickly as it had appeared. “We know you’ve been having headaches and we were loud.”
Allura glanced up just in time to see Keith’s eyes dart down and to the right. They always did that when he deflected a topic, and as expected his following words were, “That’s not an excuse.”
“No, but it is an explanation,” said Hunk as he moved to join them. “You’re in pain, you’re allowed to be snappy.”
Keith just shook his head. His brow was furrowing in all too familiar frustration. Allura stepped out from behind the map, unsure if she was going to contribute, redirect them back to the matter at hand, or cancel the meeting entirely. Before she could say a thing Keith locked eyes with her.
“Quit babying me,” he growled, directly at Allura but addressing everyone. “I know that the way I act is wrong. None of you had a problem telling me that until this whole mess. I know you’re just being nice because you feel bad for me--”
“Hey, wait a second--”
“And it’s bullshit,” Keith continued, barreling right over Pidge without stopping. “It’s not about me. It’s about the universe.”
Allura pressed her lips together. Hearing her own words from Keith’s lips felt like a slap in the face, but she couldn’t fault him for it, could she? He was just trying to do as she asked, even if she had taken it back.
She took an even, measured breath. “Can we focus on the matter at hand, please?” As much as she hated the heavy expressions that took over the Paladins faces, she had to admit Keith’s words still held some truth-- they were at war, and war necessitated sacrifices.
“Right,” Pidge said with an exhale that seemed to deflate her as it left. “What were we talking about?”
Keith fell back against the wall as Lance and Hunk reluctantly returned to the map. This time he kept his head up and his eyes open, even though Allura could see his jaw clenching at the pain.
She swallowed back her guilt as best she could. Feeling guilty would accomplish nothing; it wouldn’t make Keith’s headache go away. It wouldn’t undo the last two movements, nor would it defeat Zarkon.
It wouldn’t bring Shiro back.
So she pressed onwards, silencing the emotions clawing at the insides of her ribs, begging to be heard.
He was so done with this. With all of it. He hadn’t slept in days between the vomiting and the headaches. The grief was back, suffocating him as it crawled down his throat to shred his insides with the sheer force of how much he missed Shiro. And after two weeks of blissful numb, it only hurt more.
It was just his luck, really. He wasn’t being useful, so the powers that be changed him until he was. He was lucky that the way it was done gave him some relief, too.
But then he stopped being useful, and they took it away again.
Well, fuck that. The others didn’t get to decide which parts of him stayed and which went, they didn’t get to turn his personality on and off like a light switch. He was going to decide, right here, right now, and they didn’t get a say.
That was how Keith found himself marching down the halls long past lights out, heading for the infirmary. He didn’t really have a plan, per se, beyond rifling through shelves until he found the pills he recognized.
He didn’t care if Allura had banned them. He didn’t care if he was addicted. They made him a better leader-- not perfect, not what the team wanted, but better. They made everything go away; missing Shiro, anxiety over fitting in with the others, the fear of pissing Allura off and being kicked off of the team with nowhere to go. It all quieted down and went numb, and for the first time in his memory he was completely and utterly calm.
So he didn’t care what Allura said. He was going to get them back, and that was that. Unfortunately, as he discovered upon arrival, the infirmary wasn’t as empty as he’d hoped it would be.
The Castle had beds, therefore one would assume that Alteans sleep. But Keith had never seen Coran do so, and now he was standing at the center console, chipper as you please.
“Hello there, Number Four,” he said without even looking up. “Come on in, take a seat.”
Keith just stood there in hollow despair. His plan was thwarted, and now he was realizing that it probably wouldn’t have worked anyway. Allura was too meticulous-- she probably had them all destroyed already.
“I’ve been expecting a visit from you,” Coran was saying. “Hunk mentioned humans can get sick from suddenly stopping medication.” When he finally looked up, his eyes had a sad, knowing glint. “But that’s not why you’re here, is it?”
Keith was too defeated to say even a word, so he just shook his head. Coran raised a hand, beckoning to him, and this time he went, crossing the room to sit beside him on the cot Coran had gone to.
He began by saying, very matter-of-factly, “Allura had all of the remaining pills destroyed.”
He was expecting it, but still Keith’s heart sank. There went his one chance at being the leader Shiro thought he could be. It was only a matter of time before he’d make one mistake too many and someone else died. If Allura didn’t make the decision to eliminate the problem first.
“Keith.” Coran was watching him closely. He could probably see every thought that had just crossed his mind, written clearly on his face. “Why did you come looking for them?”
He looked back down at the floor. It was shameful, this weakness, but he was so tired. Too tired to care.
“They make me better.”
Keith could feel Coran’s raised eyebrow. “They make you better, or they make you feel better?”
“Both, I guess.”
“They didn’t make you a better leader, Keith. That’s why we stopped them.”
“Didn’t they, though?” His voice was small and detached, and he never actively decided to say the words. They just slipped out, almost without being noticed. “Everything was fine until that last day. Everyone was happy with how I was.”
“Were you?” asked Coran with a small prod, and Keith shrugged.
“I wasn’t anything. And that was better than hurting all the time.”
For a moment there was silence as Coran thought of what to say next. Keith occupied himself by swinging a foot back and forth, idly watching, until Coran spoke again.
“Leadership is difficult. War is painful. We all need ways to cope. Our responsibility to each other is to keep our friends from harming themselves in the attempt.”
“What does it matter?” Keith found himself asking. “You guys just need me to pilot Black. Why bother pretending I mean anything more than that?”
Again Coran was silent, probably unsure of how to respond. Keith gave him time to think, finding the infirmary preferable to going back to his dark, lonely bunk. This time when Coran responded, it was with a question.
“If I say something to you now, do you promise not to try and argue with it?”
Keith sighed, drawing one knee up onto the cot and hugging it to his chest. It lessened the nausea, just a bit. “Sure.”
“Your life matters. Not your usefulness or your role in the war or which Lion you pilot. Just your life, just you, matters.”
He frowned to himself. “Well, yeah, but compared to--”
“No comparisons,” Coran interrupted firmly. “Your life, and your well being, are important. No matter what.”
Frustration began to well up in Keith’s chest. Everything Coran was saying ran so counter to everything he’d learned growing up-- that he himself had no inherent worth. People figured out early on that he was a pain, not worth the effort, unpleasant to be around, and they left him alone with that knowledge until he learned to be useful.
He got into the Garrison by being a good pilot. He got to stay in the Castle, even after finding out he was Galra and after Shiro vanished, because a Lion had chosen him. Not because they liked him as a person.
“So,” Coran said, oblivious to the hurricane in Keith’s mind. “We took the pills away, because even if they feel better in the short term, in the future they would negatively affect your mental health. Which we care about because we care about you, not because we worry about if you’ll be useful to us.”
Keith couldn’t process all of this. So, with his mind blanking, he said the first thing that popped into his head.
“But… Allura said…”
“Allura was wrong.”
That was the most surprising thing Keith had ever heard. Coran the loyal advisor, disagreeing with the Princess? Unthinkable.
But here they were.
“Traumatic experiences can bring out the worst in all of us,” he continued, “and the importance of this war is easy to be overwhelmed by. We can all lose our way. But that’s why we have friends, isn’t it? To lead us back.”
Keith rested his chin on his knee and pondered for a moment. He wasn’t sure he believed Coran-- most of what he’d just said was too at odds with his experience. But he sounded sincere at the very least, and honestly Keith wasn’t feeling up to examining it too closely. The withdrawal symptoms were still kicking his ass; all he wanted was to sleep and stop feeling like utter trash.
“Now then.” Coran lightly patted his shoulder and adjusted his jacket, a signal that the dramatic part of the conversation was over. “Would you like something for the nausea?”
Keith didn’t exactly smile, but it was close enough. “Yes please.”
Coran got up and disappeared somewhere behind him. Keith waited, the exhaustion of the day slowly beginning to settle onto his shoulders. He really hoped Coran’s medicine worked, he didn’t think he could take another sleepless night.
“Here you are, lad.” Coran’s gloved hand reappeared over his shoulder, holding a small purple gummy in his palm. “This should do the trick.”
Keith took it without hesitation. It squished between his teeth into smaller, even squisher fragments until he swallowed, leaving a faint taste behind that reminded Keith of licorice.
“Would you allow me to walk you back to your bunk?”
“Sure,” Keith answered, and accepted Coran’s hand when it was offered to him.
The walk back down the halls was filled with a pleasant, comfortable silence. Coran walked carefully, giving no indication that he was going to wake up the team and reveal what Keith had been doing, and parted from him at his bunk door with another warm shoulder pat.
“Good night, Number Four,” he said. “If your nausea persists, don’t hesitate to find me.”
“Ok.” He probably wouldn’t; once he got out of this weird daze there was no way he’d be able to convince himself to be a nuisance. But for now he just accepted it and went into his bunk without arguing.
It was dark within, as he knew it would be. But with the memory of Coran’s touch lingering and the vague taste of candy between his molars, Keith found that the shadows weren’t nearly as suffocating as he’d feared they would be.
He climbed into bed, still fully clothed, and with the medicine luckily settling his stomach, he fell into the first peaceful sleep he could remember having in a long, long time.