Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Izuku couldn't stand it. 

It was past midnight. He needed to go to sleep. He has school tomorrow. He had to do well. But he couldn't stand it all.

He sat on his bed, clutching his head, desperately trying to hold on to his sense of self with this hurricane in his head. 

He wanted to cut. He wanted to kill himself. He couldn't. People would be worried about him. He couldn't kill himself, people would miss him.

He couldn't tell anyone. They'd be worried and his mom would blame herself and he couldn't let that happen. 

He couldn't he couldn't he couldn't.  

He wanted to scream but he was in the dorms and his classmates would hear.

They couldn't  know they couldn't know they couldn't know. 

No one could know.

He was losing his mine. They were losing their mind. She was losing her mind.

"Stop, please," Izuku whispered "stop stop stop stop stop stop"

You have to save them. You have to stop the villains and save the villains and save the victims and save them all and Kacchan hates them, how can he hate them, they are victims too, you can't hate them but you want to hate them so you must be a monster.

Izuku sobbed as quietly as he could. He couldn't hold it in anymore but no one could know. 

If they knew they'd try to help and they might even give him hope and it would hurt too much.

And they'd worry and they cant worry he has to protect them.

Cut yourself cut yourself cut cut cut   c u t

He wanted to cut but he had school and he couldn't.

He wanted to take a blade and run it along his wrists so deep there was no chance of saving him and watch himself bleed out. 

He wanted to hang himself, to feel his neck snap and die.

He wanted to shoot himself, put the gun in his mouth or to his head and pull the trigger.

He wanted to look in the mirror, see his hated face, and slit his throat.

He wanted he wanted he wanted he couldn't he couldn't he couldn't.

He had to have hope for everyone and he did but it meant he had to pretend to have hope for himself and he didn't and it made him nauseous to pretend he did. 

Everyone liked him but they weren't supposed to they were supposed to hate him, despise him, treat him like less than dirt, but they didn't.

He wanted to be mean, to hurt himself by causing their pain and knowing that it was his fault. But he couldn't hurt them. 

The want was just another way he was selfish.

Always so selfish, like he deserved it, he hated it. He was so goddamn selfish. 

He felt like there was a hurricane of broken glass tearing apart his insides and he wanted to tear up his outsides to match.

He couldn't he couldn't he couldn't.

Ah. There it was. He could think again. He was winding down. Finally. 

He checked the time 2:06 am. Not too bad. He could still get a few hours of sleep.

So he went to bed, too exhausted to even consider staying awake.

_________________________

"Hey Deku!" Chirped Uraraka when he came down for breakfast.

Inside he flinched, ( he wasn't ready he wasn't ready he was never ready ). He shut down the thoughts. Pushed them down. Locked them away. They tore at him. He ignored them.

"Good morning Uraraka!!" he responded back, with a beaming smile.

Everything was fine. It had to be. Time for another day of school. Nothing was wrong

Everything was wrong. He smiled anyway. 

Think only of school think only of friends  

Don't think about last night. You don't have the time to break again.

Chapter Text

He was in class. He had a test. A paper test. The squeaking sounds grated against his ears. Everything grated against him. He couldn't stand it. 

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. You're fine. 

(You're not you're not you never are you never were)

Deal breath in. Deep breath out. You have a test to do. 

Push the sounds down. You aren't nauseous. You don't want to cry. You're fine. Absolutely fine. 

You do you do you do you arent you arent you arent

Now do the test. You can't break just yet. 

Chapter Text

Izuku layed in bed. He wanted to cry but he was out of tears. He thought so much and he was tired of it (she was tired of it they were tired if it xe was tired of it STOP NONONONO)

He wanted to cut the length of his wrists so deep that the blood started gushing out in spades and he couldnt be saved.

(you selfish ass that'd hurt people you already hurt them enough how could you)

He was think so much so much so much so much so much he was tired he couldnt he couldnt he couldnt NONONONO HELP ME HELP ME 

He pushed it away. 

Deep breath in. It would be so much easier for you if you died wouldnt that be wonderful, just ceasing to exist

Deep breath out. You're just a weight on everyone in your life 

Deep breath- 

He couldn't. He'd been in his room too long it was midday people would be worried they couldn't know they couldnt suspect they couldnt they couldn't THEY COULDN'T 

Looks like today was the day he cut again.

He made sure he was in a position that he could easily hide what he was doing if anyone came in. 

He got the bandages out. Ok. 

He took his usual implement out. And heshethey made a long, shallow cut along his wrist.

He looked at the blood welling up and pretended it was deeper than it actually was.

It wasnt enough.

His brain was starting to get hazy though. That's good.

He cut again. And again. And again.

Four cuts now. Barely enough to draw blood but so, so sweet. He loved it.

Except there was a knock at the door. Fuck.

NO ONE CAN KNOW NO ONE CAN KNOW

Calm down. This is why you positioned yourself like this. Hide your arm under the blanket. The bandages arent visible from the door. Now act your fucking ass off.

He took a deep breath. "Come in!"

It was. Fuck. It was Shinsou. He was smart and insightful and what if he finds out

It's fine. Act. Your. Ass. Off.

He put on the fake smile he wore so often. 

"What's up Shinsou?" He chirped happily not happily never happily 

"You're late to lunch. Are you coming down today?" Shinsou said flatly

Hide what you're doing hide buy time youre not done yet-

"Maybe in a bit! I want to," fuck what to say, " study a bit!" Thank god, that seems believable 

Shinsou nodded and closed the door.

He sighed and brought his arm back up. Looked at it. Four cuts so far. Is that enough.

No. He brought the implement back out. 

He cut again. And again. Again. And again.

Eight cuts. That was what worked last time.

He cut once more anyway. 'that's what you get for lying you piece of shit'

Everything had been bandaged up. He felt much better. He put on a long sleeved shirt. 

He went downstairs to talk to his friends. Everything was fine. (What if Shinsou knew what if he could tell no one can know)

The smile came a bit easier after cutting. Time for another day.

Chapter Text

Izuku was having a legitimately good day.

He'd gone on a nice walk, it was a bit overcast but he liked it. It meant no one was out.

He blasted music in his ears and sang/screamed so loud he felt like his vocal chords would start to give out. 

He did some studying and quirk analysis, and he actually felt pretty good. 

And of course, this couldnt last. 

He had a class. Fuck. He didnt want to. He wanted to be open and free and totally in control and comfortable in the great outdoors.

Maybe Aizawa-sensei would understand.

(P lease do I want to keep this as long as I can)

He called him. And asked. 

The answer was a resounding no. Izuku felt his happiness die out. Fast.

'You should've known better you really should have it was a stupid reason'

Fuck. Now he had a whole new problem. He was going to cry.

He had been having a good day. He had been happy. And now he felt almost worse than ever.

He wanted to kill himself so bad be couldn't stand it. He wanted to find a tall building and jump of it. He wanted to slit his throat.

No. He wanted to be killed. Tortured slowly and painfully so his outsides could match his insides. He wanted break his phone for disappointing him. He wanted to punch Aizawa-sensei in the face.

(What if you killed him too. He deserves it for forcing you to this. It'd be so easy.)

Izuku sat in shock for a moment. How,,,,, how could he even think that? Wait. Arent intrusive thoughts a thing? Right! Maybe he didnt actually want to do it. Maybe he just thought of it. (Please be that he didnt want to be even more of a monster than he already was)

And he couldnt break his phone. It cost so much. (He really was a monster)

Forget all of this. You have to get to class on time. 

Oh. He was sobbing. 

FUCK

He had to stop sobbing right there and then. It couldn't be noticeable that he had cried.

Ok. Ok. Ok.

I am not going to fucking cry. I feel like sobbing and I'm not going to. I have to get to class. It's an hour and then I'll be done. Izuku Midoriya. Suck it up. Dont cry. Push it down. Push it away. Ignore it, whatever you have to do. Make yourself presentable. Act as normal. You'll be fine. Well, you wont but it doesnt matter. You're not allowed to slit your throat. Your not allowed to jump off a tall building. Suck. It. Up. You have class.

It was working. Ok. He had arrived at school. He tried to make sure no one would be able to tell he had been crying and headed in for class.

It was half an hour into class and he was slipping. He couldn't slip.

push it back push it back push it back

Ok. Your emotions are in a bottle. The bottle is in a box. The box is being sealed. The box is in a chest. The chest is locked. Your emotions are nonaccessible. They can not get out. You do not have emotions anymore. For the next 20 minutes you are absolutely fine.

Ok. It's working. Get back to class before anyone gets suspicious.

Class was over. 

Finally 

Make it to your room.

Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. 

You're alone now. 

He carefully started unwrapping his emotions. It took a while. He felt kinda weird. And numb. He kinda liked it. Maybe he'd do this more often. Not now though.

There. The last layer. He could tell because he was starting to test up. He braced himself. Put his face in his pillow. Got a tissue box. 

He pulled off the last layer. 

It hit him all at once. He sobbed. He wailed.

He, for the first time in months, cried for himself. 

He had been happy. And now he wasnt. He was stressed and suicidal and overwhelmed.

He sobbed and wailed into his pillow for as long as he wanted. 

Just cried. Cried because he was a monster. 

Cried because he could never be fixed. 

And cried because his happiness, that oh so rare jewel, was snatched away from him before he could appreciate it properly once again.

Chapter Text

He was a monster. 

A monster a monster a monster a monster a monster a monster a monster. 

How could he?

His dad cared about him. 

He wasnt there but he cared about him.

How could he hate him?

He remembered every bad thought he ever had. 

He remembered when Aizawa forced him to go to school when he didnt want to and he thought of killing him

Monster

No one knew. Of course they didnt. He was a manipulative bastard.

Oh God. How could he ever think of that?

Hed thought of these things far too often.

He remembered when he was in middle school and he thought that maybe if he killed everyone there they couldnt bully him anymore (he knew it was bullying, he just lied to himself)

He remembered when his dad took away his notebook and he tried to carve the words into his arm with his nails and how angry he was with him.

But he had been right

He shouldn't be dependent on something as stupid at that. 

He thought of when his mom threatened to pull him out of U.A. and for an instance he thought about killing her.

He was truly a monster.

He wanted to die so badly, just so he didnt have to deal with himself anymore.

Just another example of how fucking selfish he was.

How could he think that when he could train to become a hero and save people.

He shouldn't be so fucking selfish and manipulative and a monster all the time.

He wanted to cut so bad he couldnt stand it. 

He wanted to carve the words that screamed in his mind into his arm.

He wanted to carve the word 'Monster' into his arm because he was one.

And he wanted to carve the word 'HELP' into his arm because he needed it.

So badly. 

He wanted to scream to the world how completely not ok he was

But the world was resting peacefully and he didnt want to have to wake it all up to this hurt inside him.

A single tear slid down his face as he suffered the brunt of the monstrosity inside his head so that no one else had to.

Chapter Text

Izuku ruined everything he touched.

He was so clumsy and somehow everything went wrong around him.

Everything he touched broke.

His chargers and phones and computers and headphones all broke 3 times as fast than everyone elses

And 1 or 2 instances if that wouldn't mean much, but it happened all the time.

Something would be working fine and then he'd use it once and all of a sudden it was broken.

He wondered if it was only a matter of time before it started to affect people too.

Wondered if it had already started.

Wondered if it would stop if he died

Chapter Text

It started when he picked up a cat. 

That particular cat, unfortunately, had incredibly sharp nails.

They did not puncture his skin (also unfortunately), but they did scratch at him.

If he held onto the cat a little longer than he usually did, well. No one was around to see it.

He hadn't cut in a month, and he missed it oh so much.

Izuku wan't even sure how he had managed it.

But after the cat.....

The scratches on his arm reminded him of how much he missed doing it.

He wanted to cut so fucking bad.

The only reason he hadn't yet was because he really  didn't want to have to clean and wrap it afterwards.

And it wasnt as if he could ask someone else to do it for him.

(If he threatened them they wouldn't talk)

All of a sudden, he felt so incredibly overwhelmed, he couldn't stand it.

You need to cut you cant cant cant cant cant you; monster; manipulative bitch; stupid

Acting pure when you're so fucking monstrous how could anyone ever like you they're just pretending so they can stab you in the back and if they arent that just means that you manipulated them, lied to them, no one could ever like the real you you stupid fucking DEKU

STOP IT STOP  IT STOP IT STOP IT

Izuku's head jerked on instinct, and he bit down on his arm. Hard.

Pain blossomed.

Izuku was struck with an idea.

Biting doesn't always break the skin.

(Or you could bite someone else. Rip out their jugular with your teeth.)

No.

He bit himself again.

It left marks, but they'd be gone by the time morning came around.

He was thrilled.

Bite bite bite bite b i t e

His arm was covered in marks.

He felt delighted.

(You are such a weakling. What would the others say if they found out, they would say you are weak and don't deserve to be a hero. All Might would hate you. You would be kicked out of U.A. like you DESERVE YOU FUCKING DEKU )

The delight faded.

He just felt numb.

A shell of a person.

Hollow.

No.

Because the marks proved he was alive, right?

..............

He didn't know anymore.

Did he even count as human?

He was tired.

He went to bed.

In the morning, the cat's nails had been cut.

How dissapointing.

Chapter Text

Izuku clutched his head in pain. As if that could help with what was going on inside his head.

Problem child

Deku

Quirkless freak

Better off dead

Waste of space 

Waste of air

Wast of life

Just die already 

Izuku tried and tried and nothing good ever came out of it.

Whenever he did something he was proud of, he got yelled at.

Whenever he did something he liked, it was irritating or weird. 

His way of thinking and doing was apparently "disturbing" and he desperately wanted to ask for help but no one ever gave him any.

They tried, sure.

He had never told anyone, but hed seen a therapist once for a period of time.

He had only felt worse, and it was a waste of money, so he stopped.

It wasnt that the person was a bad therapist.

She just didnt provide the help he needed. No one did.

It was like everyone else was giving him what to them was water, but to him it was acid. Burning away at anything good in his life until he wanted to claw his heart out.

He learned a long time ago that his humor regarding himself was not an exception in this outcast status he felt he had.

He made sardonic quips and sarcastic comments about how terrible he was at taking care of himself, and to him it was funny.

To everyone else, it just made them uncomfortable. So he stopped.

Like he did with talking, raising his hand. Like he tried to do with mumbling.

Everything he did and thought and wanted was hated, despised, feared, or disgusted by everyone else in the world.

To everyone except him, almost all of his traits were wrong.

So why was it that what he felt was wrong was everything else?

Wrong answers made him feel sick to the stomach, especially if he knew the right answer, but he couldnt tell anyone because then they might feel bad for making mistakes, and no one should feel that way.

Izuku just didnt fit in with the way the fabric of reality was constructed, and it killed him. 

He hated that even though he loved his friends they weren't nearly enough to make this world even barely tolerable.

Hated himself, because no one else felt this way, so there must be something wrong with him, right?

He didnt even know if he was human.

Humans fit in to the fabric of reality.

Humans didnt feel dysphoric for the simple fact that they had a body, and not wings. 

Why was it that he felt he was missing wings and the simple fact that he had a human-shaped body made him feel uncomfortable?

It must mean he didnt even count as human....... right?

He wanted to rip out his stomach. It was wrong. Eating felt wrong.

But that's what was required when you were human.

He wanted to scream that the world was unfair, that he didnt belong, that he hated himself and everything around him, that he felt lonely and out of place in his own skin.

Wanted to break down sobbing that he couldnt handle it anymore.

Instead, he whimpered into his blanket and tries to ignore the streams of tears running down his cheek.

There was no one he could turn to.

They all just gave him acid in a container of water.

Chapter Text

Izuku was having a bad day. Well, a worse day than usual.

He felt empty. 

He was just,,,, done.

Completely and utterly done.

It was time for dinner, and he supposed he should go and hang out with his,,,,, friends. (they dont really love you no one does or ever will)

It started when he got the sour cream out of the fridge.

He set it down for a couple seconds, and before he knew it, Mina had taken it.

Calm down, you'll get it back, she just wanted it and figured since you set it down you were done with it.

That didn't stop the rage that started to simmer in him. How dare she why did she he wanted it is he not allowed to have anything he wants

He pushed it down.

Five minutes later, Uraraka took something off his plate.

It was fine. He didn't mind. HE DID HE DID HE DID

It really to a head when Kacchan stepped in, as with most things. 

Usually Kacchan's constant mockery and need to pick fights, he could deal with.

Not today though.

Today, he was sad and angry and scared and empty and he just. Couldn't.

So when Kacchan started to pick a fight, he exploded.

" SHUT UP FOR FUCKS SAKE."

Silence rang.

" I AM TIRED AND EMPTY AND I THOUGHT MY MOM WAS DEAD FOR THREE HOURS YESTERDAY."

"IT WAS PETRIFYING AND HEART BREAKING AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO".

"So just. Stop. Stop it, ok? Leave me alone. I can't deal with this." he whispered.

And then he ran to his dorm and hid.

Chapter Text

Izuku struggled every single day to stay alive and as healthy as possible.

He never had any hope, he never felt happy, always in the darkness, but he kept going.

He kept going because the people around him were wonderful and didnt deserve the hurt and stress that came with having a friend as broken as him.

So he would never tell them.

But sometimes.........

Sometimes he wanted to so much he couldnt stand it.

Wanted to shove all of the times he wanted to die and didnt, all of the times he made himself eat, made himself sleep, made himself stay alive and well, in everyone's faces.

Wanted to ask, desperate for acknowledgement 

"Did I do good? Are you all proud of me? Do you appreciate all the times i stayed alive for you, for everyone? Do you understand how much effort it took? Are you proud of me? Did I do well? Can I finally be proud of myself for one thing? Please?"

Wanted someone to say. "Yeah. You did good. Im proud of you. You can rest now. You can break. Ill be here to catch you, no matter what. Im here for you. You did amazing, but you dont have to do it alone anymore. I can help."

He wanted people to know how hard he tried, still tries, just to get through the day, just to add an ounce of happiness to the world.

How he carried on, no matter what. He wanted someone to be proud of him.

But he could never be selfish enough to tell anyone just to serve his own needs. 

So he didnt.

And carried that want around as another one of his secrets that no one even suspected.

Chapter Text

Izuku often hates being a part of the human race.

Not many people could guess, what with his unfailing forgiveness and understanding, his belief that no one was beyond redemption.

But he he only like that.

It was like he had a dam. Holding back his hatred and disdain and spite.

But every once in a while, that dam breaks.

And all of what he has unknowingly held back unleashes itself. 

Chapter Text

so this isn;t a chpater its just a note sry.

its late and i

m tired so sry if this makes no sense. I might delete this once i fl awaken, idk.

Ai In orobably noot gona write for a wihle cause i wrotte out a chapter and then accidentialy hit cancel insstead of save so i lost it all.

I thought it'd just ruin my motivation for a day or smth, but it didn't turn out that way. So. idk. Now yall nowk ot whatever. '

Im headihg to soeep

Chapter Text

Every time Izuku walked the halls of U.A. he felt ashamed.

Any time he ever walked anywhere he felt ashamed.

To think that someone as useless and pathetic and,,,,, horrid like him, shared the same breathing space as people like All Might and Aizawa-sensei and his classmates.

He wasnt good at anything. Not really.

Not like Jirou, who made such beautiful music.

Not like All Might, who somehow always made everyone except for Izuku nowadays feel like it would be alright.

Not like Sato, who was a genius chef.

Not like Yaoyorozu, who was insanely intelligent and a genius at schoolwork.

He just wasnt enough. Everyone else was special, interesting. They were good at something.

Him? If it wasnt for One for All and the chance meeting with All Might, he would still just be a useless Quirkless loser.

He was a fraud.

He wanted to run away. 

He didnt deserve to be associated with these wonderful people.

Didn't deserve to have everything hed ever dreamt of.

Didnt deserve to be happy. To have people who cared about him. 

Every time they expressed interest or admiration he just curled up on the inside a little bit more.

LIAR

MANIPULATOR

YOU LIE TO THEM JUST TO HAVE YOUR EGO STROKED

YOURE WORSE THAN ANY VILLAIN

Izuku just wished that they'd start hating him suddenly. So he could have a reason to run away. 

He wanted them to hate him because he was terrified of them hating him and he deserved to have every bad thing he ever wished not to happen to happen to him.

He didnt have any real talents. 

He was a fraud.

A sham. 

Death was too good for someone as horrendous as him.

The alarm went off. 

Time for school. Another sleepless night.

Chapter Text

Izuku broke a bone again. 

The pain howled through his body and he could barely stand it.

Everyone thought he had a high pain tolerance and barely felt it but he did. 

The first few times everyone got concerned about him and he liked it because he felt like he was being torn apart and he needed other people to see that.

But as time went on and on and he kept breaking bones it slowly became a joke.

"Oh look, Deku broke a bone again" 

It became a joke. Something funny. That is, to everyone except Izuku himself.

Because it never stopped hurting like hell, he never stopped feeling like he was torn apart.

But everyone else stopped noticing. Stopped caring. Because since it happens so often it's not that big a deal right?

He tried telling them. Just his close friends, in a brave moment when he had some confidence.

They cared for about a week and them forgot all about it.

And the walls that surrounded his heart got a bit thicker.

He wondered if he should just stop telling people when he was injured. 

Hide it and try to take care of it on his own and only tell someone when he was almost completely sure it was life threatening. 

Because everyone always said that you should be open but he had been open and all it had done was desensitized everyone to his pain. 

At this point he felt like he could scream and scream about how much it hurt and how he couldn't stand it but forced himself to so that he could protect everyone and the most reaction he would get was concern for a day at most. 

The actual reaction would probably just be a laugh though. Because he was open, like an idiot, and he was in pain for too long and now no one cares about it anymore.

Chapter Text

Someone talked over him. "Sorry" "its fine"

Someone hit him too hard in sparring. "Sorry" "it's fine"

Someone said something mean. "Sorry" "it's fine"

It was never fine.

Every time, he said it was fine, and it never was.

He kept trying to open his mouth and say "that actually wasnt ok, it hurt me" but he never could. He always said "I'm fine". "Its ok".

It wasnt their fault he was weak, so why bother them with it? 

He was never ever fine, and if someone made it worse it was just because he was weak enough to let it happen. So there was no point in telling them anyway. 

it's fine it's fine it's fine 

It was never fine. He was never fine.

Chapter Text

On the edge of his consciousness Izuku could feel a something lingering.

It kept approaching no matter what he tried to do and he was in class it couldn't happen right now fuck

He raised his hand.

"Excuse me? May I please go to the bathroom?"

Midnight nodded and he had to restrain himself not to bolt because he could feel it coming and no one could be around to see

He made it to the bathroom in time for the first stage. The usually persistent background thoughts of wanting to (in this particular case) slit his throat overwhelmed him until his hands were shaking. 

slit your throat slit your throat slit your throat you have to you have to you have to you have to

fuck fuck fuck fuck I cant let this happen-

He didn't get to finish his thought before his body and mind seized simultaneously. 

His body shook and shook against his best efforts to control it, shaking as if it were breaking down and Izuku hated it because usually he had enough self control to stay completely still when these things came and no one ever noticed but if someone walked in right now they would be able to see him while he was weak 

After a few seconds, the shaking and heightened emotional state passed. He still wanted to slit his throat (he always did and he always would) but it was no longer overwhelming to the point of physical notability. 

He headed back to class and hoped he hadnt been gone that long.

Chapter Text

Izuku didn't feel like Izuku.

Izuku knew that normal people referred to themselves as themselves but Izuku didn't feel that way. It was more natural to refer to them as 'them' than 'me' or 'himself'.

Everyone kept saying "you" and "your" but Izuku didnt feel like a 'you' today. They felt detached from Izuku.

Izuku was himself (even thinking that word about him made them feel sick) in theory, but in reality? He was someone else. They were someone else. 

Chapter Text

Izuku is empty. Just a vessel for his cause

Save them  'Ok' save her  'Ok'  but who would save him?

It was selfish to even want to be saved, to even consider himself important enough to warrant priority over all those people he could be saving but he couldnt help it.

As much as he tried to be better, smarter, stronger, he was still just a child who was bullied and wanted everything to end and in the end that's all that was really left of him.

He was tired of being responsible, of being the shoulder to cry on, when all he could do for himself was try (and fail) not to drown in his own memories.

The memories of Kacchan and the other bullies (he wasnt stupid, as much as he tried to deny it he knew that that's what they were) beating him down and the adults saying that they had just been "playing" and "boys like to roughhouse". 

Possibly even worse though, were the times where they just ignored him completely. The times during recess when all he had to do with himself was wander around entertaining himself and drowning in his own mind with no one to catch him. Once they even convinced the teachers to join i somehow, in ignoring the pathetic quirkless boy who wanted to be a hero. 

All distraction was gone, even class, however much he hated it, and he was left to flounder.

It was like when they kicked and punched him they were adding more water for him to drown under but when they ignored him they were pushing him further under. He had the chance to survive the first, but the second? Izuku had been doomed from the start.

And there is no point in helping a doomed man

Chapter Text

get up. eat. go to school. train. learn. come back. force a smile. go to bed.

get up. eat. go to school. train. learn. come back. force a smile. go to bed.

get up. eat. go to school. train. learn. come back. force a smile. go to bed.

get up. eat. go to school. train. learn. come back. force a smile. go to bed.

get up. eat. go to school. train. learn. come back. force a smile. go to bed.

get up. eat. go to school. train. learn. come back. force a smile. go to bed.

get up. eat. go to school. train. learn. come back. force a smile. go to bed.

It was the same the same the same the same and he couldn't stand it.

He wanted something to change.

Everything was the same.

He wasnt interested in anything because it was all the same.

Nothing mattered anymore. 

Who cared if he read this book or watched that movie, its the exact same thing as the dozens of other books hes read and movies hes watched.

Even cutting was beginning to get boring, although he guesses that most people would classify that as a good thing.

But for him.......

For him it was one of the worst signs he had seen so far.

Because cutting was a constant. He knew he shouldn't, but he depended on it. And he lost it.

He lost himself.

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Izuku thought about it sometimes. About lashing out at those around him.

He thought about being so rude and so much of an asshole that no one could possibly give a shit about him anymore.

He thought about throwing all the trust everyone bad thrown him, all the secrets they had confided in him, back in their faces.

Just so that no one would care about him. Because that's what he deserved.

And he was a horrible person for it.

A horrible person for the times he imagined telling Shouto that he had deserved the abuse he had come to at the hands of his father, that his mother never loved him and no one ever would.

A horrible person for the times he thought about telling Kacchan that he would never get better, that he would always be a bully and nothing more, that he would drive away all his friends.

He was a horrible person for it because he knew that those were their worst fears. And he wanted to tell them that they were true for the most selfish reason possible.

He wanted to do it because he didnt want anyone to care about him. 

He had even thought of becoming a villain, just to hurt the people in his life so bad that they'd never even think of forgiving him.

He knew hed never do it, he cared to much about the people in his life to ever start to do that, but he was a horrible person for even thinking of it.

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Izuku hated his body.

No matter how much muscle he built he was always still chubby and he felt terrible about it.

And the worst part was, his comfort food was pizza.

Pizza

Which was not in the slightest good for him.

Once it got too much for him and he tried to do small cuts on his hand.

He was too chubby to cut properly.

He had to choke back a sob.

He wanted to gather all the excess skin and chop it off.

He knew that wasnt the proper reaction.

He should be glad that he didnt injure himself, but he wasnt. He was just empty

Just another proof that he was broken in ways that could never be fixed.

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Izuku's friends were very tactile.

Sometimes it was a blessing.

But on days like this? It was a curse.

He didn't know why, so obviously the reason must be stupid (not that it'd be any less stupid if he knew it) so he didn't tell anyone (never show weakness)

Uraraka brushed her side next to him while they were studying and he had to fight not to seize up.

Iida patted his shoulder and he had to fight not to flinch.

Shouto,,,, he noticed something was up. But he didn't know what it was and he didn't ask and Izuku had never told him abouut his occasional issues with physical contact so he tried to comfort Izuku by hugging him and Izuku wanted to scream.

Instead, he forced himself to relax and hug back, it was torture

He deserved it

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They were yelling.

Izuku didnt like yelling.

Yelling,,, bad. Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad.

yELLiNg BaD

He whimpered.

no one heard.

They were too busy yelling

yelling yelling yelling yelling yelling

He hated it. 

He wanted to cry.

"Can you please not yell?" he asked, meekly

"NO, NO I CANT NOT YELL" they yelled. 

Who? He didn't know anymore. 

All he knew is that they were yelling yelling yelling.

He didnt like the yelling.

ṱ̷̡̨̢͙̲̯̜͎̮̪͕͙̯̗̼̞̻͚͈̯͉̻̞͎̱͙̰͍͚̒h̴̢̨̧̨̧̗̺̼̯̹̤͚͈̬͈̭͉̪̻̠̜̫͕̞̝̩̭̯̼͚͓̭̝͕̪̩͕̬̞̼̻̝̜͓͖̝̏̋̄̍̃̋͑̿͂̒͑̍̎̋̈́̀̔͛̑̄̽̈́̋͑̊͂̈́̄̇̔͊̌́͐̚͘͘͜͝͝͝͝͝͝ë̶̡͉̥̑͊̉̄͑̾͊̋̈́̒̍͑̄̈́͛̈͝y̵̧̬̼̻̱͔̲͖̲̳̤̟̱͍̩̯̜̐̆̅̇̃̐̃̽̈́̀̎̔̆͛̔͂̆̉̈́̏̈́̂͊̽͒̇̂̌͊̚͘͠ͅ ̷̨̢̨͙͎͚͇̱̲̹̬̜͈͉̣̫͙̲̹͙̹̼̩̺̝̫͉̫͕̮͍̠̣͇̬͙̇̌͌̇̔̒̓̀̿̈̿̍̀̉͗͋̅͂̂̆͑̈́͐̃̀̏̕̕͘͜͝͝͝ͅw̸̢̢̨̢̞͔̺̱͖̭̹͍͍͇͕̖͎̜̱̠̗̭͇̝̜̲̐͂̆͂̅͋̓̚͠ͅͅͅė̷̡̡̧̹̟̪̝̜̯̜͉͖͇̲͈͕̱̟̠͕̞͉͚͙̬͎͙̮̯̺̦̦̭̔̈́̎̑̔͐͑̃̎̆̈́̒̒̉̓̐̏̊͘͝r̶̡̛͍̩͔̦͎̗̞͇͔͉̈́͋͂͑͑̇̓̈͐̐̐̃͂͛̂̌̅̎̓ẹ̸̡̡̛̤̜̣̤̼̞͈̬̲̗̜̹͓͖̻̄̀̃̄͑́̓͆́̍̍́̒͂͐̂̽̈̈́͌̿͐͋̽̿̿̀̾͐̅̚͝ͅ ̶̢̛̗͔̺̜̘͔̙̙̰̘̹͚̳͔͓̭̘̱̳̣̪̳̩̒͋͐͊̆͑̅̈͛̈́̌͂͐̍̿̆͊̀̌̄̆̃͛̿̋̏̋̏͒̚͘͘͜͝͠ͅý̸̧̛̫̰͔͎͈͎̝͖̰͕̙̜͈͈̫̙̙̜̣̟̜̪̻͉ͅȩ̸̧̢̻̬̦͔̹̙͈̲̱̩̖͎̤̻͍͓̝̳͎̻̥̥͚̄̌̄̈̇̑̋̓̓ļ̴̨͓̫͍͈̗̣̼̩̣̫̻̩̲̙̟̱̟̙̞͍̯͍̞̞̦͍̰̦̘͎̲̝̬̜̤̩͓͎͇̔̌̀͜͜ͅl̵̡̡̺͔̗͍͖͓̟̤̗̖̮̱̹̖͓̝̳͍̱͙̮̩͓͉̣̘̬̝̰̹͍̜̱͇̰̗͌͑͐̅̉̓̀͊̋̈́̾̌̓̕͘i̴̡̡̧̢̨̛̛͉̖̗͓̮̭̦̥͖̪͍̘̫̘̬̭̜̻̫̙͔͕̭̱͈̝̖̹̪͍͙̫̳̐̇̔͗̄̄̀͂͒̋̑̿͗̏̈̾̂͗͛͋̔̉͐̅͒̿̀̆̂̿̃͛̓̽̌̇̓̎͜͝͝ͅņ̵̡̡̜̹̺͖̞̪̤̩͓̪̥̮̤̦͕̞̮̟͈̺̦̹͉̙̜̬͙͉͎͓̩̰̞̜͓̝̮̣̟̳͗̓͑̆̔̏̈͒͛̚͝g̴̛̞̳͍̗̮̱̳͈̯̓̑̑͑͗͗̿͆̍͆̓̿̀̍̔̓͌̑̓͒̏̾̒̄̑̋̍̊͒̓͆̚͘͘̕͝͝͠

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Izuku hated himself.

This wasnt news to him.

He liked it. He deserved his hatred.

But,, this?

Izuku hated his chubbiness. He was fine with that. not really, not fine, never fine But where he drew the line? 

When his hatred of himself affected how he viewed other people.

Because he was used to hating himself for being fat. 

But now?

He had judged someone else for it

he

had

judged

someone

else

For something that he knew was bogus

HOW DARE HE????

He knew weight standards were bullshit. That as long as you were healthy it didn't matter.]

And yet he'd... he had

He chocked back a sob

Izuku had judged someone for it because of the hate he felt for himself.

He wanted to slit his throat.

how dare he???

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It would be so easy, he figured, to end it all. 

And so sweet. 

So appealing to buy a gun and shoot himself.

What with the appearance of quirks, guns were less monitored.

He would go to the store and buy a gun.

Then go to some abandoned warehouse probably, write a note so everyone would know it wasn't their fault, that there was nothing they could have done but that was a lie, they could have noticed.

When that was done, he would take his gun.

Load it.

Aim it at his head.

He would hesitate (he knew he would, a weakling till the end) but his hatred at life, despair at his way of existence would win out

And he would pull the trigger, ending himself once and forever. 

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Izuku was tired. Exhausted, really.

He knew he should sleep.

But he couldn't gather the willpower.

the sooner he slept the sooner he woke up and had to go to school, another day of faking a smile and trying to not break down

Maybe, if he remembered his dreams, it would be different.

It could have been a much needed escape into non-reality, but he couldn't remember, so it was just a time skip in real life that he could be doing other stuff during.

He didn't want to go to school, didn't want to pretend to be fine when he so deeply wasn't

maybe if he cut the adrenaline would keep him awake

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Izuku hated that he was an easy crier. 

Crying was a weakness, and he wasn't allowed the luxury of weaknesses.

Weaknesses could be used against him and as great as his new friends were (they didn't hit him!) he knew better than to think he was safe.

He knew it was only a matter of time before they got sick of him and quit being friendly.

So he could show no weakness.

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Izuku needed pain. He craved it.

He knew it was unhealthy but he couldn't help it,

Usually he just cut but today,, today cutting wasnt enough. He wanted something that would hurt him at his core, someone peeling away all his layers of defenses only to stab at his heart. 

So he listened to music.

To others it didnt seem like much, but to him it meant everything.

Not just any music. Very specific, carefully selected songs designed to make him want to gouge out his eyeballs with his bare hands.

They were songs that reminded him of his past. His past as a quirkless loser which he still was, even if he had somehow managed to trick All Might into giving his quirk to him

Some days he wished Kacchan had never gotten better, just so he could seek him out on days like these and be hurt so deeply by someone he would forever place his trust in.

He knew he was horrible for thinking like that, for wishing Kacchan had never gone to therapy and resolved all his issues. But he couldnt help  it.

But he couldnt seek Kacchan out so he listened to music that reminded him of the pain.

It was a shallow mockery, just an echo of the soul depth crushing that he wanted, but it was all he had.

But it still wasnt enough.

So he went to the last resort. 

He read a fic. 

Again, seemingly harmless.

But no. Not this one. This one was carefully selected to hurt him in times like these. He only had 10, so he had to use them sparingly.

It hurt like hell.

It was perfect. (unlike him)

He knew he'd never get what he truly wanted. 

Aizawa would never call him a disappointment and a freak and say he should kill himself.

All Might would never tell him he had made a mistake when he had given him One for All.

Uraraka would never say the name "Deku" with a sneer.

Iida and Todoroki would never say that they should have left him to die at the hands of the Hero Killer.

And the fact that he would never hear those things shouldn't hurt as much as it did

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Izuku loved chokers.

Kacchan used to make fun of him for trying to look edgy I'm sorry I didn't mean to I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry, but that wasn't why he wore them.

He wore them because it felt like there was a noose around his neck constantly.

Like he was just on the verge of choking forever and finally dying

It was simultaneously pure bliss and torture.

Because he was just on the verge, so close to choking yet so far away.

So close to dying and finally being released from this prison of life.

His arms were tied down with his responsibilities and his legs were shackled by people's emotions, so he could never be free to live or die for himself.

He was just a puppet made to dance for the amusement and relief of others, not having any free will.

The only thing he could do was hang his head and bear it, play along and laugh and smile and pretend for everyone's sake except his that he was ok, that he could live like this, that nothing bothered him, that he was whole he wasn't he wasn't he wasn't

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Izuku could feel it swirling around him like a curse.

Get up, brush your teeth, eat, go to school, talk to people, do homework, sleep

Get up, brush your teeth, eat, go to school, talk to people, do homework, sleep

Get up, brush your teeth, eat, go to school, talk to people, do homework, sleep

Get up, brush your teeth, eat, go to school, talk to people, do homework, sleep

Get up, brush your teeth, eat, go to school, talk to people, do homework, sleep

Get up, brush your teeth, eat, go to school, talk to people, do homework, sleep

Get up, brush your teeth, eat, go to school, talk to people, do homework, sleep

Get up, brush your teeth, eat, go to school, talk to people, do homework, sleep

He didnt want to do anything. He just wanted to sit and scream and cry until his voice gave out and he had no tears left to shed.

But he could feel the strings circling around him, forcing him to keep going no matter how hard he tried to fight them.

He had few comforts in life, but one of them was definitely food. So whenever he got like this, he asked his mom to get him an American-style burger.

But his mom wasnt here.

So he fought through the wires and want to ask Aizawa.

"we have food here, Problem Child."

"wE hAvE fOoD hErE, pRoBlEm ChiLD"

NO NO  NO NONONONONONONO

It wasn't the same.

But he couldn't tell Aizawa that.

So he just nodded, and left.

Looks like he wasn't eating today

Again

Chapter Text

Izuku knew he was a failure and a nuisance. 

He was a quirkless failure before, and he might have OfA now but he wasn't any less of a failure.

All he ever did was complain, he never really did anything. 

He couldn't save everyone, he was too weak.

When Eri came running to him, eyes begging for help, he had turned her back over to that monster. If he had been stronger he could have saved her then and there.

If he had been stronger Mirio would still have his quirk

If he had been stronger All Might would still be the Symbol of Peace.

He just wanted to die.

Izuku knew this path of thought led to a dangerous ending. Possibly hopefully a permanent end.

He didn't care about anything, no matter how hard he tried to.

He knew that it made him a terrible hero.

Take a swan dive off a roof.

Those words, said to him in anger oh so long ago seemed increasingly appealing.

He used to want to die in specific ways. Slit wrists, so he could see the blood welling up and spilling out.

But it didn't matter to him how he died anymore, as long as he did. 

As long as he no longer had to suffer in this world.

He knew he was a selfish monster for thinking like this, for wanting to take himself away from all the people he might be able to save, but did he even matter?

It wasn't like he could save anyone anyway.

Just kill yourself already

He could. So easily, just cut a little too deep this time, fall off a roof, move a tad too slow in a villain attack.

It would be so easy

and he wanted to so badly

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Izuku knew he was a monster for it. 

For wanting to dance in tune to destruction and death, for fantasizing about having a partner he had under his complete control, whod never dream of defying him.

He know it was unhealthy. He knew it was bad. But he couldnt stop himself. 

He wanted to glide through fields of bodies with an army at his side.

He fantasized about joining the villains, of being a mastermind, of torture and death and terror at the tips of his fingers. 

Wanted to gallop through fields of his dead enemies, to subdue the world, to have them quaking in terror at his feet knowing they could never dare to stand up to him.

And more personal. He wanted to have someone at his feet, completely under his control. Someone who would love him no matter what, even if he hurt them.

As much as Izuku hated it, he thrived on dysfunction. Wanted Kacchan to hurt him. Wanted to hurt Kacchan back. 

He wanted to laugh while the world burned, and he knew he was constantly on the verge if doing it.

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Izuku choked back a sob.

God he was so useless.

Todoroki had stood there crying and all he could do was stand there and hug him, all because his brain had stopped functioning as a coping mechanism.

He shouldnt need  a coping mechanism. He was fine.

Other people went through a thousand times worse than he did every day and came out the other side functioning and even helping others.

He just,,, couldnt.

He couldnt. 

He had been disassociating while someone needed his help and he couldnt help them when they needed it and you useless fucker how dare you try to cope you dont deserve to cope.

Izuku couldnt be in control of his body anymore.

He slipped away.

<Name> popped in.

<Name> was Izuku, but not in control. Having a name meant you were human and responsible for your actions and <name> couldn't be any of those things right then. 

For the rest of the day <name> pretended they had someone else controlling their every move, just so they could function.

and <name> went to sleep that night smiling.

Chapter Text

Izuku felt it's head loll to the side. 

If its friends caretakers were here they'd be sad disappointed. 

Did it even have a name? It couldn't remember. 

It didn't matter anyway. 

Smile here, reassure there. 

Now that it was alone it let it's defenses down.

It didn't move, didn't think, didn't. Just didn't.

It removed the mask it kept on so as to not worry its friends caretakers. 

It didn't feel emotion, didn't need, didn't want. 

Places, places, get in your place; throw on your dress and but on your doll faces

Chapter Text

It started small, or according to him it did.

He was convinced there was a little cut that was bleeding on his hand that he just couldnt see.

There was a person walking by that he couldnt see. 

His friend had made food but it was nowhere to be seen.

It was chalked up to sleep deprivation. 

It shouldnt have been.

The first big one was more dramatic.

He went to open his laptop only to find it covered in blood.

Or, well, so he thought. But he couldnt see  any blood. He just knew it was there.

He went about doing his work and ignored the urge to throw up at each imagined squelch of blood on the keys.

The next one happened in class. 

He had been taking a test when his head snapped up. 

There was a ribcage, fleshy and horrible, attached to the wall. He just couldnt see it.

He just kept working, resisting the urge to scream every time he looked up. 

Next involved people. That should have been when he finally told someone, before it was too late. 

But he didnt. 

Everywhere he went, everyone had giagantic cuts all over their bodies. No matter who they were or what they were doing, they were covered in blood. 

He just thanked the gods that it wasnt an attack where he'd have to tell the difference between real injuries and imagined, and went on with his day.

The most recent one was the worst.

It started fairly simply.

Just a shadow man in the corner of his room. 

He celebrated at the minor delusion. 

He should have told someone.

Soon, the shadow man had the ability to split himself. 

Soon, all his friends were dead. 

They were alive and walking but at the same time they were dead  and replaced.

He couldnt talk to anyone. Couldnt bring himself to face the people that he knew weren't really the people he had gotten to know.

But he just went on with his day.