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Catra had spent a few days mulling over the situation. In her eyes, it was kill or be killed.
Rather, love or don't. One works out well enough and the other has some consequences. Catra doesn't know which she prefers.
She helps liberate Erelandia and leaves her thoughts for a later time.
You should leave.
*
She spends her days with the Best Friend Squad plus add ons, storming Prime bases and saving civilians. This is the opposite of her ideal from two months ago.
Really, the only thing she has going for her is Adora and her friends. Catra stopped thinking of them as lackeys after Perfuma hugged her, tight and closer than anyone ever has. She won't admit to having favourites in the group - team morale or whatever.
The ground they sleep on at camp is metallic and hard. She still sleeps with her back to the wall and her head to the corner. Just in case.
Catra figures there's no harm in being too careful.
-
Catra thinks there's no harm in being too careful but obviously Adora figures differently.
Shadow fucking Weaver has made her grand return, no less with some mystical failsafe to bring all magic back to Etheria.
Catra doesn't want it, so she doesn't take it, and turns back to her makeshift lair in the corner of camp.
Far away. Adora doesn't come after her.
She doesn't want you.
-
So, Adora does come after all but it's after like, half an hour. That's more than enough time for Catra to cycle through her usual thought process of YoushouldleaveButAdora!
Adora wants Catra to go with her to Mystacor, but it's with an empty promise from Shadow Weaver and Catra, for one, will not go anywhere with that bitch.
Honestly, she's offended.
She thinks she can let go of the anger when Adora puts a hand on her Catra's own though.
Her touch tingles, right down to the middle of Catra's chest and it leaves tiny sparks zinging straight down to her belly.
"I need you."
Well fuck, Catra's going now.
*
When Adora steps into a goddamn ring of fire, Catra has no choice but to jump in too.
It's just payback for when Adora saved her. Not cause she, like, cares.
She has tears in her eyes from the smoke and she can feel the absolute heat as she fumbles for Adora.
Come on. Anything. Please.
She finds purchase on something and propels them both out.
And lands on top Adora's chest. It doesn't mean anything. Just teammates saving teammates.
Catra can't help a tiny smile.
Then Adora smirks. One eyebrow arched high, the other set deep and eyes crinkled around the edges. Cheeks and nose sharp in red firelight. Catra could stare forever at her freckles-
"Did you just jump into fire for me?"
Adora spoils the mood and Catra sits back.
Not that there was a mood.
Get it together.
-
"Catra, she confuses you, distracts you."
It's all Catra needs to hear.
I fucking told you to leave.
-
Weaver takes Adora's hand roughly and places it on the blue crystal.
Catra’s heart aches.
Adora steps into the crystal and Catra makes a decsion: save Adora and then you can leave.
She runs forwards, tugs on Adora's arm so she turns.
“Adora, don’t go in there.”
But Weaver is adamant so Catra pulls Adora away and faces Weaver, she stands on her tip-toes slightly, so she’s just as tall. Catra makes her explain what the hell she's holding back.
And they find that Adora could die, Adora could leave her here, just like that. Catra won't let Weaver do that, she's crazy, you shouldn't be surprised, this was always her plan-
Adora's voice cuts through her tangent. "I'll do it." She looks at Catra when she says it and has such an air of finality.
Catra starts shaking immediately, she can feel it, small tremors that sprint from her fingers to her spine screaming Adorawilldie at the top of their lungs.
She makes it to Adora right before she steps into the crystal, grabs her red jacket, which is always so crisp and sharp and wrinkles it with the force of her hold. She jostles Adora and she knows tears edge her eyes and she doesn't care because Adora has to know that she can't leave.
Not again.
Adora says it’s the only option and Catra lets go and her hands shake and her eyes sting, her legs feel cold-
"This is the only way."
Adora's about to turn but Micah strolls into the cavern.
-
Catra gets tossed around just as Adora fails to bring She-Ra and Catra knows that the Failsafe is the only option. Sorcerers and unbreakable magic ropes and swift beams of light from careful hands outmatch any kind of combat training Catra excelled at. She only wishes it wasn't Adora. Anyone but her.
Adora breaks free of the black rope around her and goes to step into the crystal.
This is everything Catra didn't want: a losing battle, an aching head and most of all, a tired and crumbly heart.
"Please! It doesn't always have to be you!" Why doesn't Adora understand that? Why doesn't she get it? Doesn't she know she's loved?
Adora leaves with a final look straight into Catra's soul. She only turns away when the light gets blinding.
And she screams.
Adora's voice makes Catra go numb and she moves to get up, to save Adora, but Micah pushes a black coil over her back, sticky and unmoving and soon her whole body is enveloped and she can't move, she can't save Adora, she'sdeadshe'sdeadshe'sdead.
Catra almost believes it's a nightmare. Almost, only because Adora's screams wrench her heart more than usual.
And then: blue. Blue like Adora's eyes, blue like the inside of the spaceship she was rescued in, blue like the colour of Melog's mane. Blue like hope.
But Catra doesn't want hope, she wants out. She wants no more pain and pining. Not to to live in worry that the people she loves will die at the push of a button.
So when She-Ra offers Catra her hand, Catra can only make a promise.
If you leave, I leave.
They never needed her in the first place.
Catra runs.
*
She intends to leave when no one is awake. She means to run to the other side of the planet with Melog, find some hole and live in it while Adora and her friends do whatever they need to save the planet.
It never goes the way Catra wants, so she's not super surprised when Adora runs after her and pulls her back by her leg.
Catra's eyes burn again, the second fucking time in one day and she hates it. She hates everything. The universe. Whatever.
Adora grabs her wrists and straddles her legs to keep Catra down and Catra hates that too because she likes the feeling of Adora's strong hands around her wrists.
Fuck.
So instead, she looks Adora in the eye. "I'm doing you a favour. I'm a distraction, right? Now you can go save the world without having to worry about me confusing you." She feels so bitter when she says it, only sort of guilty for proving that she eavesdropped. She doesn't care. She wants to go.
Adora says that it's not about Shadow Weaver, that it's not true but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if Adora is so pretty in the moonlight. It doesn't matter that the strand of hair that falls out of her poof is so ruffled but poised. It doesn't matter that Catra loves Adora's freckles and her arms and her neck and her perseverance and determination and naivety. It doesn't matter because she's made to kill herself every time!
Catra shoves Adora off her legs and stands straight up.
She's tired of being worried and mad and sad and longing for something that isn’t going to happen.
Her voice rises and she can feel the words scratch at her throat. "Why? Why are you like this? Why do you always have to sacrifice everything for everyone else? When do you get to choose?"
The tears come now, and they feel so bitter, so salty and acidic. They hurt her eyes and smear Adora in her vision.
The question comes unbidden as a result of her thoughts running away.
"What do you want, Adora?"
Do you want me? Your friends? To be safe? To never have to see me again? TELL ME!
Adora seems to hesitate.
"I... I have to do this, Catra. I'm the only one who can." Adora looks so tired when she says it, so resigned. This is not the fiery Adora Catra knew once. The one who did things for herself, by herself. It hurts Catra too much.
Catra breathes in once, twice, lets the breath go.
"Then do it. That's what you want. That's what you'll always choose."
Not me. Never me.
"I don't have to stay and watch it happen." She can't see Adora go through more pain just because some people told her to. She can't hear her scream again, can't watch her fall to her knees after one too many punches.
Adora falls to her hands and the tears spring into her eyes now. They glisten white in the moon and make her eyes seem a deep ultramarine. She's beautiful, even like this. But Catra hates it. Hates it, hates it, hates it.
"Please. Catra, stay." A pause. "I need you."
Catra stops herself from laughing.
She says what she knew all along. After Adora made a life for herself without Catra, made friends, made memories without her.
"No you don't. You never have."
Catra leaves.
She doesn't look back, not even when Adora cries her name.
Just like in her nightmares.
-
Melog tells her to go back, they push her around with their snout, snuffling under her arms.
"Adora chose Shadow Weaver. Not me. Adora doesn't want me!"
She swallows a sob.
Not like I want her.
*
Catra puts her feelings away in a tight little box in the furthest room in her mind when she learns about the virus.
This is what she learned: to compartmentalise. She can do it as long as she needs to as long as Adora doesn't die.
Catra runs.
-
She makes Shadow Weaver work for her, turns the tables once in Weaver's cursed life. Makes her teleport straight to Adora's location.
And... and she isn't there. Because she left, again. Catra's getting tired of the disappearing act. She's shaking again, running through every possibility of what happened, what she has to do to save Adora. She doesn't feel her hands clench into fists, nor the way they tremble. She can’t just leave her, she’ll die.
Glimmer pulls her into her arms like she can feel Catra's worry, hard and soft at the same time. So warm, so trusting. Bow joins her and places a soft hand on her back.
So, this is it. Friends.
She definitely doesn't blush when she's deemed part of the Best Friend Squad.
She leaves them with Melog.
-
Catra knows she can't win against the most absurd octopus monster of all things. She does know she can distract it long enough to get Adora to the Heart.
That's exactly what Catra tells Adora.
She smashes its glassy eye with her claws and runs towards the escape tunnel as the virus closes in, only to be stopped by Prime himself.
It's the same voice, the same "little sister" that sends her reeling back into her nightmares. She forgets about the monster, only to have it wrap around her leg and yank.
Prime's voice taunts her, deep in her head, as she scrabbles at the floor for purchase before she gets pulled into the monster's core.
Your Adora, he says.
She's pulled up all of a sudden, her hip straining at the weight, and she finds herself staring down the grisly maw of the monster. It's grotesque: teeth line the flesh with no pattern, and they spin like some sort of meat grinder. Catra would have thrown up if she wasn't upside down.
She decides to accept it, feels the tears come again and keeps her chin high and her nose raised. If she dies, she dies honourably.
Until she doesn't.
Instead she falls, arms wheeling at the drop and lungs winded as she finally hits the ground. She feels her head crack. She looks up in time to see-
Shadow Weaver?
"Take Adora and run!"
Catra stays frozen because Weaver of all people saved her?
"Go!"
She's whisked from the ground again and thrown into the exit tunnel, where a force-field stands.
Catra shouldn't feel anything for this woman. She lied to her, taunted Catra all her life.
But she was like a mother.
Weaver looks back through the mask, cold and plain faced.
"I am so proud of you, Catra."
It brings her to tears again, because it's all she ever wanted to hear from Shadow Weaver. Just once, that she mattered, that she did something good.
Catra only got it as Shadow Weaver dies.
Not again. Not someone else.
She's about to smash the force-field when she feels a hand on hers.
"Catra?"
Her heart goes still, maybe a little cold, warm mostly. She turns to see Adora streaked with green lines.
This needs to be quick or she'll die.
She turns back to Shadow Weaver, sees her take her mask off for the first time Catra's seen.
Under it is the face of an abuser, marked and wretched, and yet of a figure Catra looks up to.
"You're welcome.", Shadow Weaver says.
Shadow Weaver drops the mask, and it shatters just as she and the monster erupt in fire, marred with black, whisked around the crystalline cavern.
The force-field drops.
Catra faintly registers Adora falling to her knees.
One too many punches.
Catra places a hand on Adora's shoulder, still strong and soft under her palm.
Adora only looks at her for a second and pulls her in for a firm hug, squeezing. Catra returns it in kind.
They leave, arm in arm.
*
They reach the Heart, a bright, white energy ball, slowly being shrouded in tentacles of bright green. Catra can tell Adora feels faint; she would never give up her pride to lean completely on Catra unless she needed to. Her eyes droop and she feels so light under Catra’s arms.
“Get as far away from here as you can,” Adora says. She looks down at the floor, then closes her eyes. “I have to do this next part on my own.”
Catra feels like she’s way in over her head. She never wanted magic, not war, not the chance that her friends could die. It was all theoretical, all training drills and classes with cardboard cutouts of Devil-Glimmer. Catra never wanted this. She thinks she only ever wanted Adora.
“What will happen to you without She-Ra?”
Adora takes a deep breath as she walks forward to stand directly under the Heart, then looks down again, as if to steel herself. “Without She-Ra,” she breathes in again. “the magic will destroy me. I’m sorry, Catra.”
She turns around with fresh tears on her cheeks, eyes resigned and downcast, but she looks into Catra’s eyes as she speaks again.
“I’m so sorry.”
I don’t want you to say sorry!
Catra stands as still as she can, like she might set off the Failsafe if she moves. Adora is going to die. Her nightmares are realised.
“But there’s no more time,” Adora continues. “It has to end here. I can still save everybody.” She walks toward Catra with a sad smile and puts two tender hands on each side of Catra’s face.
Catra shivers, Adora’s thumb touching the underside of her ear, pulling lightly at her hair as Adora brings her head to Catra’s. It’s so tender, so sweet and loving that Catra can feel the almost hanging in the air.
Adora speaks softly, in a breathy whisper against Catra’s forehead. “It’s okay. I’m ready.” She pulls away and Catra misses her, wants her back right now. Adora trails her fingers down Catra’s jawline, and let’s go at her chin with a soft sigh.
It’s so painful. It’s there, and yet about to be gone in an instant. And Catra doesn’t want that. She doesn’t want less; she doesn’t want the censored version of Adora. She wants to stay.
“No.”, Catra says. She makes her voice as firm as it can be.
“Catra…”
“No. I’m not leaving. Whatever happens, I am staying with you.” It’s a promise. Catra will never leave.
Adora starts tearing up again and rubs at her eyes before she turns away.
Catra is right behind her.
-
Adora screams. It’s hoarse and dragged through every bit of her throat. It makes Catra’s insides shrivel. Adora falls to her knees and she catches her before Adora can hit the ground.
Adora is settled against Catra’s thighs, head lolling dangerously to either side. She seems delirious.
“Hi, Catra.” She says softly, whispered against Catra’s stomach. Catra almost tears up again but decides against it. It’s too familiar, too reminiscent to her rescue. She locks the box again and turns up to the Heart. It sizzles with ugly greens and off-whites, almost poisoned by the green strikes that light up the cave.
One bolt crackles right next to them and the platform crumbles and fissures. Catra leans down against Adora, bracing her against the violent rattling. But she realises Adora’s eyes are closed.
There’re so many reasons for being drowsy, each one learnt in depth at the Horde, but the point was to keep the person awake.
“Adora! Wake up! Please!” Catra jostles her around a bit until she finally cracks her eyes open.
She only says, “I’m sorry,” before her eyes droop again. Catra presses a hand to her cheek, soft and forgiving. Adora’s face gains more green streaks as time races on and Catra worries the virus will kill her if the Failsafe doesn’t.
“Adora!”
Another energy bolt splits the air and Catra can only clutch Adora to her chest like she’ll fly away if she isn’t tethered down.
“Adora, please!”
Her breathing goes still and Catra makes her shaky hands put Adora down again. She checks once, twice, three times but she won’t breathe why won’t she breathe!
“You’re not leaving! You’re not fucking leaving me! Catra pushes down on Adora’s chest at a steady pace, tilts her head back and breathes into her mouth. It still won’t work.
Fuck, what am I doing wrong!?
Catra feels Adora choke on her breath, still gasping as her body spasms. Her eyes twitch under her eyelids and her teeth grind down on each other.
Catra feels so helpless. She did what she could, and now she can only watch her best friend writhe in invisible pain. Her hands clench and unclench uselessly above Adora’s body. She feels her voice give out as she cries.
“Adora! Please! You have to wake up!”
Adora’s body stills at her voice. Catra notices and shakes her, grabs the lapels of her jacket and brings Adora to her chest.
Her voice goes soft as she cries. She cradles that back of Adora’s head gently, so that her spasms don’t wrack her so thoroughly. She hugs her close and whispers into her hair.
“You can’t give up. You have never given up on anything in your life.” She pauses to wrench her eyes shut against the brightness above her.
“Not even on me.”
You should have. I can’t save you.
“So, don’t you dare start now, Adora.” Her tears come faster now, slipping down her cheeks and into Adora’s hair as her chest spasms.
“I’ve got you. I’m not letting go. I’m never leaving. Not even if you leave a hundred times.”
Adora’s body tenses and her head flies back as her mouth gapes. Her legs scrabble at the ground behind Catra before slumping again, but Catra only clutches tighter. The back of Adora’s blazer rips, but Catra can’t find it in her to care.
Because only one thought comes to mind: I love you.
IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou.
It plays like a mantra, over and over. She says it out loud, just to see how it feels.
It’s murmured so softly against Adora’s temple, it barely survives in the cacophony of the Heart.
“I love you, Adora. Don’t you get it?”
She cries harder. She can’t lose her. Not when she loves her, more than she thought she could ever feel.
“I always have.” It’s accompanied with a tender kiss to Adora’s nose, feather light as Catra pushes her forehead against Adora’s. Her voice gets breathier and breathier.
“So, please, just this once… Don’t leave me.”
Catra lets out a sob and whispers the only thing she can think.
"Stay.”
Adora tenses again, arms going taut beside Catra, just as the Heart implodes with a boom of white before showering outward in a menacing green and black.
Adora’s eyes blink open, pupils focusing and dilating until she settles on Catra.
“You… love me?”
She’s flooded with such relief that it takes Catra a minute to process what Adora said. Catra stills before relaxing again. Her teeth clench before she lets out a breath. She smiles down at Adora, so incredible, even now.
“You’re such an idiot.”
She finds Adora looking at her like she never has before. Her eyes were so soft, slightly crinkled in the corners like they always do when she smiles. Her eyebrows draw upward, and the bridge of her nose is dusted in rosy pink. Her lips, so, so soft curve in the slightest.
You’re so gorgeous. I don’t think I’ll survive.
“I love you, too.” Catra’s eyes blow wide.
She loves me.
After every fight, every claw dug into Adora’s skin, every mocking tease, Adora still loves her.
I love you so much.
Catra feels a smile and there’s nothing to do but draw Adora closer. Her nose is pointy against Catra’s cheek and her hair is unimaginably soft. Catra digs her hand in just under Adora’s ponytail and cradles her head in her hand. The other curls around her waist, warm and soft and Adora.
Catra presses her lips to Adora’s and it feels like finally. Like Catra could ascend right then and there, that she could live forever in this bliss. It feels like Adora’s strength and kindness and reliability. Her determination strong enough to move mountains and lift the sky with her bare hands.
It feels like Catra is right where she’s meant to be.
I’m never leaving.