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Of course it’s only once I’m finally in the car with Mr. Stark on the way to the Compound that my mind decided to remind me what day it is. Questioning day. Should I feel seen or heard today? I mean, do I even have a right to celebrate or anything if I may not even be in the community?
If I still can’t even accept myself, how can I hope for anyone else to accept me?
But ever since I was in Evan’s body and kissed Connor, I can’t stop thinking about those… feelings. Even though I know I should have stayed away from Connor, that doesn’t really invalidate the feelings, right? I mean, if I felt like that towards them, well I don’t know exactly how I felt but I know I felt something, then maybe I can feel something towards other guys.
“-er, Peter?” Hearing my name ripped me from my thoughts, “If you keep zoning out like that you’ll never come back,” he joked before sobering up just a tad, “you wanna say what’s on your mind?” He said it so casually, like he was asking me my favorite color or what I had for breakfast.
Tony did say he would accept me for whatever I am, but like does that mean I can come complain to him about questioning my sexuality? But even if he was willing to at least listen, should that even be what my main focus is on at this point? No matter how much we work in the lab, we can’t seem to figure out more about the body switches than what Doctor Strange told us. Shouldn’t that be my priority?
I shrugged noncommittally, trying to push down my too loud thoughts. He glanced over at me after he finished switching lanes, “it’s okay if it’s about something… personal.” The way he said it I knew he was implying exactly what I was thinking. And okay , is he some kind of a mind reader or something? I swear he must be, how could he have known I’m thinking about my identity and sexuality, I mean what’s more personal than that?
I mean, it would honestly be nice to have someone to talk to about this, someone that I can go over the research I’ve done and tried to figure out what seems most like me. It would be nice to not have to stay alone. But I can’t, just because he said he was here for me before doesn’t mean he still is now. Just because he doesn’t seem to be as openly homophobic as Ben doesn’t mean he isn’t at all. And what I think I may be… even parts of the LGBTQ plus community itself doesn’t accept people like me. Why does-
“Hey Underoos?” My mentor pulled me out of my thoughts once again, “You zoned out again. What’s on your mind? Traffic is pretty bad so we have plenty of time if you want to vent.” Looking out we were indeed in bumper to bumper traffic, classic for a Friday in NYC. Though, as much turmoil going on in my head, I still shrugged. “Pete, you can talk to me,” he assured me, glancing over at me again.
He makes it sound so easy, but it isn’t. It never is. No matter how much time I’ve put into trying to figure out what sexuality I might be, that doesn’t make it any easier to accept myself. “I don’t know, I’m sorry.”
He let out a sigh, “Petey, you don’t need to be sorry. I just want to try to help.” He's so generous and I’m just so ungrateful. He’s offering to listen, to help, and I am too stuck in my stupid head to do anything useful. Like, obviously I’m not straight. I wouldn’t have… felt things if I was straight, right? But like, I liked Liz and I liked MJ so does that make me bi? Or pan? Or something else, I just I don’t know. How do I know?
Would Mr. Stark even be able to help me? I mean, obviously he’s known to have slept with a lot of women, but being with a woman doesn’t make him straight. At least, I don’t think so. I don’t know what I’m doing.
When I still stayed stuck inside my stupid head, he spoke up again, “if you’re thinking about what I think you are, I support you no matter what,” he quickly added on, “well I support you no matter what, unless you’re being your selfless until self destruction kinda self,” he chuckled.
“Is dumb,” I finally mumbled, only caring slightly how childish I sound. I kept my eyes out the window, though there was nothing to look at besides the endless traffic. Still better than meeting his gaze though.
With the car stopped from the seemingly endless traffic, he turned to face me, “uh uh uh, nope,” he popped the ‘p’, “nothing that upsets you is dumb.” If only that could be true. But how stupid is it that I’m upset over a day meant for celebration? How stupid is it that I can’t just figure out my sexuality already and accept it and be done with it? Shouldn’t it be simple?
I shrugged, “it is dumb,” I insisted, still looking everywhere but my mentor, “I just- shouldn’t it be easy?” I asked, despite him not knowing my train of thought, “I’m sorry, I just, I can’t figure anything out. I’m just, I’m so confused,” I groaned out, reaching up to pull at my hair in frustration.
He put the car into park, as the traffic was not moving an inch, turning to face me, “hey, hey, let’s not do that,” he gestured to my hands. But when I did not stop tugging at my hair, he reached out slowly, grabbing my hands and easing them down, “let’s talk this through, yeah? Taking it out on your scalp won’t do you any good now will it?” Though his tone was light, he still looked on the verge of panic.
Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, “I kissed Connor,” and I liked it , I meant to say. But the words didn’t come out. Ironic. “We kissed and like, he’s a guy, obviously. I just, I’m not supposed to like guys,” I didn’t mean for my voice to crack.
He did not retort or argue like I expected, instead he asked, “who told you that?”
I went to pull at my hair again, but only then I realized Mr. Stark still was holding my wrists down, tight enough so I could get the point but not too tightly that it hurt. I should shut up, I should make some excuse but it’s like my mouth was working without permission now , “Ben. He- he would say stuff and even though he’s gone, he’s long gone, it’s like he’s still not,” I quickly glanced up at him, as if for permission to continue, “I don’t want to like- forget him, I guess. But like, I want his words out of his head. It’s so hard to try to figure yourself out when all you see is yourself becoming more broken…” with each word my voice got lower and lower until it was almost inaudible.
“Let me stop you there,” though there was a sense of humor to his voice, the underlying seriousness was still very clear, “you are in no way ‘broken’ and your uncle was completely incorrect to say so,” I searched his eyes but found no sense of a lie, “there is absolutely nothing wrong with not being straight,” he quickly turned back forward. With another honk from the car behind us, he drove forward the solid three feet of space.
I cast my eyes back down again even though he wasn’t looking, “I don’t even know what I am…” but he was quick to assure me that that’s okay. But is it? “But how did you- how can you know?” I barely managed to get the words out, for some stupid reason tears pressed at my eyes.
“How can you know what?” He asked gently, with a small smile. I was so sure he hadn’t heard me when I asked how you know what your sexuality is, but he still responded. “Well kiddo, I’m sorry to say it’s different for everyone. I’m bisexual and I figured out by experimenting with different genders,” he ended with a chuckle. “But you can research and find what best suits you or-“
I swear I didn’t mean to cut him off, “I have been researching but I just I don’t know!” My breaths began to shorten, “I’ve been researching and like even the definitions that seem to match me they just don’t feel… right.” God, why can’t I just shut up already? I seriously need to sew a zipper to my face to keep my mouth shut.
His voice came out much softer than I had anticipated, “the definitions don’t feel right, or you don’t feel right thinking of yourself like that?” He knew the answer as soon as he saw my gaped mouth and wide eyes, “it’s really hard to get past internalized homophobia kid, it’s okay to be struggling,” though he did not have any tells of lying I just I dunno anything.
“I don’t know how to fix me,” I admitted.
He gave me a smile that was filled with too many emotions for me to decipher, “that because there’s nothing to fix. It’s okay to still be figuring everything out, I’m here for you every step of the way.” I choked a small thank you, relishing in the comfort he was providing me so openly.
I may not have answers… but at least I’m not alone.