Chapter Text
It was snowing the night before Keiji Akaashi's eighteenth birthday.
Small globs of white dust float down from the heavens and land softly on the frozen grounds of Tokyo Japan, careful not to disturb the patrons who have retreated inside their homes.
Akaashi tried to pay it no attention. But, that was proven rather difficult with the constant and excited blabbering of his silver-haired friend coming from his phone.
"Akaashi!" Bokuto's voice breaks through at an almost ear-splitting level.
'Even this late, he never runs out of steam, huh?' Akaashi sighs softly. "Yes, Bokuto~ San ?"
"Look out your window!" He says excitedly before adding, "at the snow!"
Akaashi looks to his left at his window. The blinds are closed shut rather tightly but he can still see the reflection of the falling snow because of an outside street light. The wind is blowing harshly, causing the wind chime hanging from the tree outside to clang out a faster melody than usual. He's laying under his favorite navy blue blanket, gifted to him last year from Bokuto. It was very warm, warmer than he usually liked. He only used it during the very cold winter nights. The nights when he was home alone and his parents decided to not turn on the heat.
"We see snow every year. Why should I?" He asks, looking at his phone screen. It displayed a circular picture of Bokuto with a silly expression on his face along with the current call time. Two hours and thirty-six minutes. He had no idea that much time had passed until he checked. The time that he spent with Bokuto had always felt different. Much faster than time usually went by with anyone else.
"Akaashi!"
Akaashi can picture it now. The elder boy whining, throwing his head back in annoyance. His hair flattens as he puffs out his cheeks and throws a silent tantrum. He does this when he wants something and no one will give it to him. It's his way of guilt-tripping.
"Bokuto~San." Akaashi pulls the blanket closer to his chin as he returns his eyes to the cream-colored ceiling above him. "It's too cold to get up."
"Fine, have it your way."
Bokuto's sound muffles and Akaashi can only guess that he had shoved his phone into his pocket. A few seconds of silence pass before Akaashi hears a small 'bang!' as something impacts his window. His eyes widen and he sits up abruptly. His blanket falls off of him, exposing his arms and neck to the chilly atmosphere of his own home.
“Bokuto~San--- I swear."
Making sure the blanket is re-wrapped tightly around him, Akaashi gets up, puts on his slippers, and makes his way to the window to his right. The window that faces the street. He throws open the blinds with his right hand, his left being preoccupied with holding his blanket tightly around him. Low and behold, there is Kōtarō Bokuto, his best friend since his first year at Fukurodani.
Bokuto waves up at him, smiling. He has his backpack tossed lazily over one shoulder and his burgundy scarf is whipping behind him as the wind picks up. The snow only seems to get worse the longer he stares blankly down at Bokuto on his front lawn. He has to do something.
"I'll be down in a minute."
Akaashi hangs up the call and closes his blinds. He turns around and lets his eyes scan over his room. He likes to keep it tidy, so there wasn't much to do. Besides, it's just Bokuto. Not like he'll care if Akaashi's room is a total warzone.
Akaashi feels his heart rate pick up slightly as he makes his way downstairs. His parents aren't home and there was something thrilling about what he was going to attempt.
"Hey, hey, hey!” Bokuto’s teeth shine as he speaks his signature catchphrase. “Look, I brought you something!" Bokuto says excitedly once Akaashi has opened the front door.
A gust of wind floods into the house and Akaashi trembles. It must have been at least twenty degrees below freezing. But, Bokuto seemed to not care much about it. He brings his backpack closer to him and unzips it, pulling out what seems to be a birthday card in a blue envelope. He holds it out to Akaashi. "You can't open it now though. You have to wait till tomorrow morning on your actual birthday."
Akaashi hesitates for a moment before taking the card out of Bokuto's hand. He studies it. His name was written in Bokuto's version of 'neatly' on the front center of the card.
"You walked all this way in the snow to bring me a birthday card that you could have just brought me tomorrow anyway?" Akaashi asks in a bit of annoyance. He thought it was careless, Bokuto walking here in the snow. How had he not noticed the whistling of the wind while he was on the phone with him?
Bokuto shakes his head. "It's not a card. It's a letter!" He explains as he zips his backpack back up. "I wrote it while we were talking earlier and I wanted to make sure you could read it the second you woke up on your birthday!" He smiles widely. "It's very important."
"I don't think you should put a letter's importance over your own health." Akaashi points outside past where Bokuto stands. "The snow is picking up. I'm not letting you walk home in it. Plus, you're starting to shiver." He steps back, using an arm to gesture Bokuto to come inside.
Bokuto's jaw goes slack and his eyes widen as he looks at Akaashi. "Sleepover?"
"Yes." Akaashi nods. "But, only because my parents aren't home. I'd never hear the end of it if you kept them up all night with your constant chatter." He pauses, hoping Bokuto will take the hint. But he just stands at the door, still in a state of shock. "Will you come in before my entire house turns into an icebox?"
"Oh- ye-yeah right!" Bokuto stutters. Has he ever stuttered before? Akaashi wasn't sure.
Before they both knew it, they were heading back upstairs to Akaashi's room with cups of hot chocolate and a few extra blankets.
Akaashi sits on the edge of his bed, placing the grey mug down on his bedside table alongside Bokuto's letter.
Bokuto follows him into the room, closing the door behind him. He looks around for a moment, taking in his surroundings before plopping down in the middle of the floor on Akaashi's carpet. He had taken off his jacket downstairs leaving only his scarf which he takes as well, draping it onto Akaashi’s desk chair. He places his backpack next to the chair before finally becoming still.
"What are you doing?" Akaashi asks.
"Sitting!" Bokuto takes a gentle sip of his hot chocolate, recoiling back when the hot liquid touches his tongue.
Akaashi watches, his brows furrowing in a slightly concerned manner. "On the floor?" He asks. "You know you're allowed on my bed, right? You're not a dog."
"Yeah, but my clothes are all wet.” Bokuto takes the mug away from his lips and places it down next to him. “I don't want your bed to get wet. Then it'd be even colder in here.”
‘He has a point.’ Akaashi thinks before getting up from his bed.
He walks over to his wooden dresser, opening the top drawer and pulling out a pair of grey sweatpants. He pulls a navy sweatshirt out of the middle drawer before turning back to Bokuto behind him.
“Here.” He holds out the two articles of clothing. “Get changed. Then we can go to sleep.”
Bokuto’s entire face lights up. He’s so easily excitable. It only takes him a few moments to get changed in the bathroom before coming back into the room. Akaashi places his wet clothes into the dryer downstairs, deciding on running them tomorrow morning instead of now so they’ll be warm when Bokuto puts them on.
Akaashi’s parents were due to be home around eleven or twelve, so in theory, he would want to have Bokuto out of here by ten-thirty. But, Akaashi knows now that it will be impossible due to Bokuto's night owl-esque nature and he’ll eventually have to explain everything to his parents. But, that was a problem for tomorrow morning.
Akaashi yawns quietly, a hand over his mouth as he walks back into his bedroom. It seemed his friend had already made himself comfortable in his full-sized bed, taking the spot on the left, right next to the window. He’s intently watching the falling snow, barely noticing Akaashi’s presence in the room until the noiret sits down on the bed and gets himself comfortable.
Bokuto looks over, studying Akaashi's face. “You’re nervous.” He shifts, sitting up against the back of the bed frame. “There’s no reason for that. It will just feel like a really vivid dream that lasts for months.” He explains.
Bokuto’s eighteenth birthday was last year, September twentieth, meaning that he had already been having the dream of his past life for four hundred and forty-one days. The same dream for that long sounded unbearable, especially if it was sad like it seemed Bokuto’s was. He never talked about it, not even to Akaashi.
It made Akaashi a little nervous to know that Bokuto’s was so horrible. He can still remember how Bokuto had avoided everyone on his birthday, locking himself up in his room where he stayed for the entire weekend. If anything bad were to happen to Akaashi in his dream, Bokuto would be right there when he woke up the next morning. He’d know.
“If I tell you about mine, will you finally tell me about yours?” Akaashi asks, looking down and pulling the comforter over himself. He doesn't want to see that look on Bokuto’s face. The sad one he gives whenever his soulmate is brought up.
Bokuto sighs, lying down in the bed and turning his back to Akaashi so he can continue to look out the window. “You know what? Yeah. I’ll tell you.” He pulls the blankets up to cover his mouth, also muffling his voice slightly. “But, it’s really sad so I don’t know if you’ll want to hear about it on your birthday.”
Akaashi lays down as well, looking over at the back of Bokuto’s head. “You’ve kept it in for over a year, Bokuto~San. I bet you’re exploding to tell someone that isn't your parents.”
“They don’t know either.” Bokuto replies blankly. “Didn’t want them to worry.” He turns to his back and looks up at the ceiling. “They believe that crap about stuff that happens in your past life being able to affect your present one. They’d send me to a bunch of doctors. I don’t want that. I hate hospitals.”
‘Doctors, huh? He must be the one that the bad thing happened to in his past life.’ Akaashi shudders just thinking about it. “That makes sense.” Akaashi looks at the ceiling as well. As much as he wants to look over and read Bokuto’s expression, he refrains. “In that case, you don’t have to tell me if you aren't ready yet. It sounds serious.”
“Tomorrow.” Bokuto looks over at Akaashi, his golden eyes gleaming in the darkness. “Don’t stay up thinking about my life story. You,” he boops Akaashi’s nose. “have one of your own to discover.”
Akaashi twitches his nose, looking over at Bokuto. “Yeah, I won’t.” He looks back up at the ceiling before turning his back to Bokuto. “Goodnight, Bokuto~San.”
“Sleep well, Akaashi.”
Akaashi did in fact, not sleep well that night.
His dream was, to say the least, eventful.
Within the first few minutes, he had already gotten to see his soulmate. Once the person speaks their name to you, the swirly black mess where their body stands is taken away and you can see them and hear their voice.
Akaashi was shocked, the pieces of the puzzle snapping together in his mind.
" I understand. But for what it's worth, my name is Bokuto."
After that, Akaashi tried desperately to tear himself out of his dream-- or rather, nightmare at this point. He didn't want to see it. He didn't want to see Bokuto die. He knew that was coming the second that past Akaashi looked up the prognosis of FFI.
(FFI) is a very rare autosomal dominant inherited prion disease of the brain. FFI has no known cure and involves progressively worsening insomnia, which leads to hallucinations, delirium, and confusional states like that of dementia.
‘God… just make it stop, please. Why didn’t he tell me? Why wouldn't he warn me…’ Akaashi thinks.
It’s such a strange dream--flashback... thing. He was experiencing all five senses his past self was, with the oh-so fantastic added factor of emotions. Or, maybe his present self was the one experiencing the emotions? He wasn't quite sure. Nevertheless, the constant weight on his shoulders was growing unbearable and it had only been a day.
After the first-night Bokuto stayed over at his place, he knew he was in trouble.
The second time, Akaashi knew things were only going to hurt more.
Then, the snow came on January third.
"Please... Don't visit me... Anymore."
"I'm not leaving, Kōtarō ." His voice was hushed, gentle. "And nothing you say will make me leave."
A few nights before. January 31st or so. Bokuto had stopped speaking a little while ago.
"You are beautiful."
Thank god he hadn't typed what Akaashi thought he was going to. It would have killed him.
"You're... Ridiculous." He said lightheartedly, his fingers trembling around his phone.
February third.
Akaashi woke up to the feeling of sunlight against his face. It was warm on him, certainly something that one would find comforting, but as he stirred in bed, he was certain that something was off.
He kept his eyes half-lidded and his movements reserved, clinging onto the false hope that Bokuto wasn't moving because he didn't want to wake him. But Akaashi knew that this wasn't the case. He just didn't want to accept it.
Stretching out a trembling arm, Akaashi took hold of Bokuto's hand. He shut his eyes and squeezed his palm. It was cold. His hand trembled harder with each passing second, as if the movement would cause Bokuto to wake up. Akaashi's face buried into the crook of his neck. He nudged the bridge of his nose against the cool skin. His lips brushed against his collarbone in desperate search of that familiar warmth. Both hands had clasped around Bokuto's own now, quavering without pause. He couldn't find his pulse.
Devastation weighed down on Akaashi in that instant. It was a surreal feeling, one that he could never in one million years describe. It squeezed him, threatening to crush him from the inside out. The pain seared itself into his soul, hindering him, rendering him speechless to a point where he no longer knew what words were.
A sob wrenched its way out from Akaashi's throat.
Akaashi finally woke up from his dream.
He sat up in his bed, panting, shaking, heart racing, and a cold sweat drenching his entire body. It felt like months had passed, maybe even a year. But upon checking the time, he discovered it had only been around six and a half hours.
Rolling to the left side of the bed, he uncovered something else. Bokuto was no longer next to him.
Akaashi tried so hard not to throw up.
He got up from his bed, or he at least tried to get up from his bed. His legs shook like he had been playing five-sets of non-stop setting. Non-stop setting to the team captain and ace, Bokuto Kōtarō.
Akaashi stood up, immediately regretting it as he collapsed to his knees on the floor. 'Danm it. Why am I... why is this happening to me?' His brain swallows him whole with thoughts and he gags, taking a moment to catch his breath before he makes yet another attempt to get up.
Holding himself up with his palms, Akaashi lifts himself back onto his bed. He curls up, wrapping the navy blue blanket around him as tightly as he can. His eyes survey the room, still seeing Bokuto’s burgundy scarf on his desk chair and the blue card on his bedside table. No backpack though. It was possible Bokuto could have left, leaving the scarf behind. He didn't want to stay and go through the embarrassment of having the mess who was named Keiji Akaashi as his soulmate.
Akaashi almost choked on the amount of air he inhaled. He had held his breath for so long that it hurt when he was once again granted the privilege of oxygen. He was so conflicted. How had he never realized that he had these touchy-feely type emotions for Bokuto? 'Oh, right. I repressed them.'
Looking out the window, Akaashi watches the morning sunrise above the treetops. The freshly fallen snow shines like glitter, the reflection almost hurting Akaashi’s sleep-ridden eyes. Few flurries fall from the trees and the wind blows so hard that Akaashi can hear it, even from inside. A moment suddenly came back to him as he blanks out and stares at the snow. A moment from his other life.
"I thought you were waiting for the snow. I thought it was what you wanted..."
His eyelids drooping and then snapping open again, Bokuto made a small sound.
"Mnh-... I... See it... All the t-ime."
Just then, Akaashi's lips parted in realization. Bokuto's hallucinations had become such a part of him, that he thought the snow outside was just another mind trick. He breathed in sharply.
"It's not a hallucination, Bokuto. It's actually snowing."
Akaashi clamps a hand over his mouth, trying to not make any audibly loud noise. He knew Bokuto was alive and well, probably just-- in the bathroom or….. something. But he couldn't shake the feeling that something horrible happened. That Bokuto did have that horrible disease…
Akaashi turns over, tears still streaming down his pale cheeks. He grabs the card off of his bedside table and lies on his back. He holds it up in the air and traces a finger over his name, Keiji Akaashi, in Bokuto’s handwriting. His stupid, messy handwriting.
Akaashi wouldn't trade it for the world.
He looks over the enclosed envelope once more, hesitating. ‘Should I open the card? Didn’t Bokuto say he wanted to be here when I opened it?’ He thought a bit harder. ‘No, he just said he wanted me to open it in the morning, after my dream. It's probably him telling me that we're soulmates. What if he doesn't want to be together?' Akaashi's brain swims with thoughts and he takes another deep breath. The anxiety felt like a weight on his chest. If he wasn't careful, he'd be taken off the face of the earth completely. 'Okay, Keiji, just get through the letter, calm down, and then go find Bokuto. God, what am I even going to say to him?’
Dear Akaashi Keiji (I should probably be formal),
Happy Eighteenth birthday!
Now, you may be wondering, ‘How did my favorite person in the ENTIRE WORLD Bokuto~San (!!) get this card on my bedside table?’
The simple answer is that I broke into your house. Or I somehow got you to let me stay over. If that's the case then thanks for making my plan easier than it originally was. I had this whole talk with Kuroo and Kenma and we were going to get your parents in on it. Then, I remembered you aren't really a fan of stuff like that and I didn't know if your parents were homophobic or anything (and I really did not want to have to deal with that). So, I tried to make it more personal, like it probably should be.
The only people who know about this are Kuroo, Kenma, and a few of my buds back at college. The K's situation (that's what I call Kurro and Kenma, get it hehe) is almost the same as ours. I had my dream in September last year then Kuroo had his in November. He told me that same morning about how he had gotten Kenma and I almost immediately broke and told him everything. Everything about you in our other life, sticking with me when I was dying even though you barely knew me. I’m still tearing up thinking about it. The paper might look wet by the end of this.
You’re so sweet.
I've been having that same dream for four hundred and forty-one days non stop. I've gotten used to it, so I can take it. But the first few weeks and months were like hell. I guess you can see now why I locked myself up. I assume it's going to be hard to get you out of your room so who knows if I’ll even see you today. But, I'll be waiting for as long as you need. A thousand years if I have to. Feels like I have been waiting that long.
I couldn't believe it. I can't believe it. Someone I knew. Someone as special as you, Keiji Akaashi.
I'm really trying to not make this a sappy love letter but boy is it hard. After watching the two of us slowly gain a connection in our past life every night for an entire year, it’s kinda hard not to make things all kissy. You’ve grown on me, Keiji (can I call you that?), in ways I could never imagine. It’s kind of funny, actually. That crap boomers say about “when you meet your soulmate you’ll feel a jolt, kind of like a shock, run a course through your body the second the two of you lock eyes.” I swear it's true! I remember the first time I saw you, I had that exact feeling. I didn't realize it then but thinking back, I had a feeling you were going to be important to me.
I know this is going to be a hard adjustment. If you don’t want to see me today, just say the word! But, you know I’ll be back tomorrow whether it be through a text message, video chat, or in person. I want this to work, Keiji. We need to prove it to our past selves that we can spend forever together like they never got to. Those poor guys : (
Anyways, if you feel like talking, head on downstairs! I’ll be waiting. Though if you want to be alone, I’ll pack up and understand completely, I promise. This is a lot to take in and I just want to be there for you like you were there for me in another life.
Love,
Kōtarō Bokuto
Somehow, the letter managed to make Akaashi feel a little better. The shaking soon subsides and the weight on his chest dissipates. It didn't feel much like the Bokuto he knew but it was still extremely comforting. He was honestly expecting the worst. Expecting an 'I don't want to be your soulmate' or 'I think we should just be friends.'
He takes a long deep breath, the first one in a while without choking. He could finally get up without falling over. He was a bit dizzy from the hyperventilating, so he held onto the wall and made his way to the bathroom. He figured that washing his face would do him some good. If Bokuto was waiting downstairs, he would at least want to look half presentable. They were soulmates after all and this would be the first interaction they'd have when they both knew about it.
Akaashi enters his bathroom, closing the door quietly behind him. He grabs his face cleansing brush and lavender face wash, along with a white towel. He wets the towel with warm water and pats his face down with it before rubbing the face wash onto his face. He uses his brush to rub the soap in, the calming scent of lavender wafting up into his nose.
‘It’ll be fine, Keiji. Just breath. He's not going to push you away.'
He finishes up with washing his face and he lets all the water drip down his cheeks. He stares at his reflection in the square mirror above the sink. His eyes were pretty bloodshot and his whole face was puffier than usual. Bokuto would likely notice. There wasn't anything he could do now though, it would be like this for a while.
He decides to leave it, brushing his teeth before going back to his room to grab a sweatshirt. He’s still shaking slightly, partially from the cold, partially from the anxiety. He couldn't avoid this. He didn't want to avoid this. He had to know Bokuto was okay.
Akaashi holds onto the railing tightly as he makes his way down the wooden stairs of his childhood home. He can smell something immediately. The kind of thing that you would smell in a diner when you first walk in. French toast. Bacon.
The large ‘Happy Birthday Akaashi!’ banner was the first thing that caught his eye when he entered the dining room. The black and white roses (which he could only imagine correlated to his and Bokuto's hair colors and not some sad funeral) sat on the dining room table along with the styrofoam boxes food boxes. Two cardboard coffee cups and plastic cutlery were nearby as well. It smelled fresh. Bokuto must have gone out and bought this while he was asleep. That explained why he wasn't with him when he woke up.
But, where was Bokuto now?
Akaashi quietly traipses around the house, looking through all the rooms downstairs until he finally makes his way into the large sunroom near the back deck of his house. He stops short in the doorway when he sees the person inside. He let out a sigh of relief, his right hand reaching up to clutch his chest.
Akaashi walks over to the couch and stops right next to it, his legs practically begging for him to sit down. So, he does, staring down at Bokuto as he lay sleeping on the longer portion of the white L shaped couch.
Bokuto is wearing a black suit with a red tie that had slowly fallen out of place and down to the right side of his body. Akaashi almost broke free from his spout of sadness to laugh at how dressed up the other was. He really had tried to make things perfect, didn't he?
Akaashi brought a shaking hand up to Bokuto's forehead, brushing back some of his messy silver and black hair. His forehead felt warm and full of life. Yet, Akaashi felt his eyes well up and he looked down at his lap. He let his thoughts once again get the best of him and within the next few moments, he finds himself collapsing onto Bokuto's chest.
He's so tired. So anxious. Even though Bokuto was asleep, Akaashi was comforted. If he could sleep, that meant he didn't have FFI. Along with the steady thumping coming from inside his chest and the small puffs of air that came out of his mouth, that was enough for Akaashi's intrusive thoughts to quiet down for a bit.
Within the next fifteen or twenty minutes, Bokuto begins to stir. He stretches one of his arms up, the other sneaking to wrap around Akaashi. He yawns, finally opening up his golden eyes to be met with Akaashi's head laying on his chest.
"Oh, shiitake mushrooms-- I fell asleep didn't I?" Bokuto mutters, his voice sounds sleepy and deep.
Akaashi can feel his heart jolt in his chest but he doesn't look over yet. He's terrified. 'What if Bokuto sees me and changes his mind? What if I mess up?'
"I wanted to be there when you woke up. I should have taken a power nap last night or something. I'm sorry." Bokuto pokes at Akaashi. "Oh, are you asleep?" He lowers his voice. "My bad."
Akaashi, whose head was previously turned the other way, looked over at Bokuto the second he had finished apologizing. He leaned his chin on the boy's right pec and paused for a moment to look at him. He can feel the tears already welling back up and he had to shove his face in the crook of Bokuto's neck. Akaashi doesn't want him to see how upset he really is. When he finally speaks, his voice breaks, giving away his cover. "It's f-fine."
"Akaashi," Bokuto speaks in a warning type tone, wrapping both his arms around him. "please don't tell me you’re…..." his voice trails off. He doesn't want to say it but he knows.
Akaashi draws in a shaky breath. His voice breaks again. “I’m not cr-crying.”
Bokuto sighs, holding Akaashi closer to him. “It’s okay. You can.” He nudges his head against Akaashi’s. “I get it. It’s going to hurt. For a while. Every time I saw you after my birthday, I had to hold myself back from tackling you to the ground and thanking you for being with me.” He rubs Akaashi’s back. “Difference between our situations is that I'll be right here with you for as long as you need me. Okay?”
Akaashi nods, his throat being too clogged to say anything more than “Why didn't you warn me?”
“I wanted to tell you, I swear I did.” Bokuto starts. “But, I thought being here would be enough. More than I had after my first night.” He sighs. “I know, you’re probably mad. I guess I was being selfish. I didn’t want you to know what was going to happen as you went into it like I didn't. Do you understand?”
“Yeah... no I do.” Akaashi replies. “Thank you for being here.”
Bokuto gives Akaashi a soft ‘Mhm’ in response, a hand reaching up to mess with his hair, hoping it would be comforting. He’s never done this kind of thing before so he has no clue if he’s even doing a good job. Akaashi says nothing and his breathing seems to steady out so Bokuto doesn't stop.
“Are you okay?”
Akaashi half chuckles. “That’s a stupid question.”
“I know.” Bokuto replies. “I just figured it'd be nice to hear."
“Yeah.” Akaashi uncovers his face, moving his head to rest on Bokuto’s shoulder. He’s stopped crying but he still feels like garbage. Like he could scream for hours until he either passed out or his vocal cords snapped. “Hey, Bokuto~San?”
“Yeah, what is it?” Bokuto asks, looking down to try and meet Akaashi’s gaze.
Akaashi tries to look up at him but he can’t bring himself to. Not yet. “Did you see…. anything after you...you know...” his voice trails off, almost breaking again. He has to bite his lip to stop himself from making a noise.
“If you’re trying to ask me if I became some badass ghost who spooked people left and right for fun, no I sadly didn't.” Bokuto chuckles. “I just woke up after. The dream always ends at that point. Used to freak me out. Like there's nothing else after we die.” Bokuto can feel Akaashi start to tremble a bit in his arms. “I- that- I shouldn’t have said that. You didn't hear that.” He sits up, taking Akaashi with him. “Can you stand? You’re shaking again.”
Akaashi nods. “I’ll be okay.” He blushes slightly, still not making eye contact with Bokuto. “Not like you’re going to let me fall.”
Bokuto chokes up, his stomach suddenly filled to the brim with butterflies, just from seeing the tint of red form on Akaashi’s cheeks. “God, I would never. What kind of guy would that make me?" He tries to hide his nervousness with one of his award-winning smiles. “Now, C’mon. Up we go.” Bokuto pulls Akaashi to his feet, letting the younger boy adjust to being on the ground.
The word embarrassed is an understatement for how Akaashi currently feels.
When he stands up he almost falls over again, having to lean most of his weight onto Bokuto. He tries to push back the rapid thumping of his heart and just focus on getting his legs to stop shaking. “I’m sorry, Bokuto~San. They… they won't stop.”
“No-- don't apologize. I get it.” He squeezes Akaashi’s hands softly. “Trust me, you’re handing the dream way better than I did. I can’t even imagine what it was like from your perspective. You must be strong.”
“I wouldn't call it that.” Akaashi draws in a shaky breath. He’s still staring at his feet, along with his and Bokuto’s connected hands. They were so warm… “I'm just good at avoiding emotions.” He finally works up the courage to look up at Bokuto. “Why are we standing again?”
Bokuto finds himself getting carried away, lost in the gunmetal blue eyes of Akaashi. His Akaashi. Why were they standing? He can’t seem to remember.
“Uh- oh right. We’re standing up now.” Bokuto blushes from the embarrassment, now being the one out of the two who’s looking down. He was supposed to be good at this kind of stuff! He was the older one after all. He clears his throat, trying to avoid an embarrassing voice crack (like that was his biggest reason for being flustered right now).
“This is going to be really cheesy so don’t laugh.” Bokuto takes a breath, looking up at Akaashi. “I wanted to have a slow dance with you, so we can really remember today as the start of something fantastic. The start of the life our old selves never got to have.”
Akaashi blushes and soon he can't help himself as laughter begins to spill from his lips. The soft sound bounces and echoes in the large room, reaching Bokuto’s reddening ears a few times before finally dissipating as Akaashi manages to stifle it down.
“You’re….you’re ridiculous.” Akaashi replies, tears from laughter forming in the corners of his eyes.
Bokuto chuckles almost in agreement as he brings a hand up to wipe a stray tear off of Akaashi’s face. “I am, aren't I?”
Akaashi's breath seems to catch in his throat momentarily as he realizes how much of a parallel this was becoming. It was just like… yeah… almost exactly like that.
Bokuto realizes it too. It's written all over his face. “I just wanted things to be extra special, don’t make fun of me!”
“I’m not making fun of you.” Akaashi says, his laughing fit being over now. “It’s just funny seeing you so embarrassed. It's so out of character for you.”
“H-Hey, hey! It’s not funny!” Bokuto blushes a bit more, moving his hand down to wrap around Akaashi’s waist and pull him closer. “You would be doing the same thing in my position!”
This time it's Akaashi's turn to be embarrassed. He tries to play it off with a shrug, meeting Bokuto eye to eye. In reality, his stomach is filled with a fluttering sensation and the shaking of his own breath is hard not to notice. “Maybe. But, I would have at least gotten my suit pressed.”
“That’s your complaint? My suit being wrinkled?” Bokuto shakes his head. “You’re lucky I even put this on for you. Next time its cargo pants and a T-shirt.”
“That’s fine. We’re probably not going to do anything fancy like this again for a while.”
“Are you testing my date planning abilities?” Bokuto asks in a jokingly offended manner. “I’ll make every date fancy if you’re challenging me to that. I’ll be the best ace, the best boyfriend, and the best date planner!”
‘Boyfriend.’ Akaashi blushes at the word. “I’ll agree to that when you actually put on some music and teach me how to dance.”
“Oh- right. I got a little distracted again.” He slowly lets go of Akaashi, making sure he can stand upright before he takes his phone out of his pocket. “Your eyes… they’re beautiful.” He says bashfully, now being focused on his phone. But the embarrassed grin on his face is very noticeable. “I kinda forgot about my whole plan because of them.”
Before Akaashi can react to that interaction, let alone reply, music starts playing out of Bokuto’s phone. A familiar song but a piano cover. The Cloud Atlas prelude. Akaashi finds his eyes tearing up again. “Is this…”
Bokuto looks a bit teary himself as he looks up at Akaashi. “We watched the movie so many times. I figured it would be perfect.”
Akaashi shakes his head with a soft smile, already blinking tears down his face. “If crying is your definition of perfect then yeah, this song will do.”
Bokuto chuckles, putting his phone into the breast pocket of his jacket “What's a proper soulmate meeting without a bunch of crying?” Bokuto places his right hand on Akaashi’s upper back, his left hand taking Akaashi's right. “Just, follow me, okay? It’s easy.”
“Is this… “ Akaashi places his left hand on Bokuto’s shoulder then slides it to the base of Bokuto’s neck. “right?”
“Yeah.” He replies with a smile. “Now just follow my lead.”
Bokuto takes Akaashi to the center of the room, right where the light is hitting both of them perfectly. With the skylights and the windows, they pretty much stand in a natural spotlight. The world around them falls away and soon it’s just them. Kōtarō Bokuto and Keiji Akaashi, having their first slow dance.
Once he's gotten the footing down, Akaashi leans into Bokuto. They're so close in fact that their sides touch after every sway and step the two make. The music swells but Akaashi can barely hear it over the sloshing of blood in his ears. He feels like his face is on fire.
His eyes dart from Bokuto’s face, to their connected hands, then his lips. They looked soft. He’s feeling brave and soon he finds himself leaning in, closer. He’s barely brushing the other’s lips when he realizes what he’s doing, and how stupid it was. He has to ask first. He pulls back slightly, inhaling shakily as he looks into Bokuto’s wide eyes.
“I’m sorry. Is this okay, Kōtarō?"
A warmth fills Bokuto’s chest. He smiles. “More than okay, Keiji.” Bokuto shuts his eyes tightly, a small prayer of some sort coming to his mind. ‘Please, god, don’t let me fuck this life up. He won’t be able to take another heartbreak.’ He lets his mind blank out as Akaashi closes the gap between their lips.
Both boys freeze in their place, being too caught up in each other to repeat the steady box step they had going on just moments prior. Akaashi can feel his whole body go hot as the older boy kisses back, leaning in to get even closer. He can smell Bokuto’s aftershave and his lips taste like orange juice. It’s almost addicting.
Bokuto is the first one to pull back, a wide grin growing on his face. “That was a bold move for you, Keiji. You seem to change more and more each time I come home from college.”
"I have to be bold." He replies. "I'm the captain now."
Akaashi pants as well, feeling his upper chest swell with the same familiar waves of anxiety that had somehow been held back until now. He’s suffocated with incoherent thoughts. ‘ That was your first kiss! God that was nice, huh? You probably did a horrible job so why would he want more? Why would he even kiss back? Because he’s supposed to. He’s your soulmate, he's not allowed to be rude. Of course, he won't be your soulmate for long. He’s going to die at age twenty from FFI and there's nothing you can do to stop it. You’ll be alone forever, just like last time.’
“Keiji? Hey- hey- hey. Snap out of it.” Bokuto leans Akaashi’s face up to his own, trying to get the attention of the now crying boy in his arms. “What happened? Did I do something wrong?”
Akaashi takes an audible inhale, feeling the familiar tingle throughout his entire body as he struggles to get another breath in. “Not… your fault…” He chokes out, leaning his forehead onto Bokuto’s shoulder before he can see the world start to spin. “My head… really doesn't ever w-want me to be happy.” Akaashi stifles a sob. ‘You’re such a cry baby. You’ve only just found out he’s your soulmate and you’re already dumping this all on him? Shame on you.’
“Oh Keiji.” Bokuto holds him closer, leaning his chin on top of Akaashi's head. It was in fact pretty comforting, just like he remembered. "Did I… make you think like this? Be honest with me. I won’t make the same mistake again.”
Akaashi takes another loud inhale, trying to calm himself the best he can. He usually acts so composed around his peers. He never felt like this around Bokuto. Bokuto was usually the one who could pull him out of it without even knowing he was. But, a lot had changed in the course of seven hours. His best friend was now his soulmate.
“Not your fault.” Akaashi repeats, trying to copy the steady rate of Bokuto’s breathing. “Can you take me upstairs t-to my room, please?”
Bokuto is too worried to ask any more questions. Akaashi was usually so level headed. He'd never seen the boy break down. “Of course.”
Akaashi finds himself being lifted off the ground and carried up to his room. Bokuto seemed to understand that the other boy wouldn't be walking anytime soon. Everything had hit Akaashi and his brain was a mess. All Bokuto could do was sit and comfort him, just like Akaashi had done for him in the past.
“Keiji,” Bokuto says softly once the two are settled back into Akaashi’s soft bed. Akaashi is on Bokuto’s lap, his ear pressed to the boy’s chest, right where his heart is. He’s holding onto him like his life depends on it and the navy blanket is wrapped around both of them. Akaashi still trembles like a leaf in the wind. “do you remember the trick you used to use on me? The 54321 method?”
Akaashi taps him once then pauses before tapping another three times. They had set up this system in their previous life. A way to communicate through all the haziness of blind panic. One tap meant yes, two meant no, and three meant please. Bokuto was surprised that Akaashi remembered it, even only after one night in the dreamscape.
“Okay, good.” Bokuto runs a gentle hand through Akaashi’s black locks, stopping to rest on the crown of his head. “When you’re ready, tell me five things you can see.”
Clearing his throat, Akaashi musters his words out. “The letter, t-the sunlight,” he rubs the silky fabric of Bokuto’s suit between his thumb and index finger. “your suit, uhm--” he glances around his room, struggling a bit as his eyes well up again. “my desk, a-and your scarf.”
“Good.” Bokuto presses his lips to Akaashi’s forehead and nuzzles him softly. He really hopes he isn't overstimulating him. That was the last thing he needed right now. “Now tell me four things you can hear.”
Akaashi trembles in yet another breath. “W-Well, I can hear my heart p-pounding in my ears.” He starts, burying his face in the navy blanket. “the birds outside, the wind-chime.” He pauses again, this time out of embarrassment more than anything. “y-your heartbeat.”
Bokuto had barely realized it himself, but the fact that Akaashi wasn't okay made his heart pound. He couldn't help it. He somehow felt responsible, like his feelings were being spared. He didn't have time to mope right now. “You’re doing great, Keiji. Now just a few more.” He curses to himself, realizing now that he’d screwed up the order. It was touch and then hear. Oh well. Too late now. “Three things you can touch.”
“Your suit. It’s silky.” Akaashi had been rubbing the fabric of Bokuto’s suit for quite some time now, seemingly to help ground himself faster. “The blanket around us, and,” he reaches up and places a hand on Bokuto’s cheek. “You.”
Bokuto feels his face heat up but he turns his head to kiss the palm of Akaashi’s hand. “Tell me two things that you can smell, and you better not say sweat. I’m worried about you, I can’t help it!”
“Heh-” Akaashi rumbles out a small chuckle, easing Bokuto a bit. Akaashi seemed to be finally coming back down to earth. “Fine. I can smell your aftershave. It's piney. And--” He takes a bit whiff. “I think whatever you bought that's still downstairs. French toast."
Bokuto hadn't bothered to close the door so, that made sense. He could smell it too. “Yeah, it’s pine and cedarwood.” He takes a deep breath himself, happy that things were going better. “Now, tell me one last thing. What can you taste?”
“Oranges. You.” Akaashi blurts without even thinking. His mind had been fixated on the kiss from the start, desperately wanting more, even while coming down from this state of panic. “S-Sorry! I just- my brain-” He tries to come up with some excuse. But his attempts are feeble.
“No more apologizing from now on.” Bokuto replies, his hand once again brushing through Akaashi’s hair. He worked carefully on the knots, trying not to cause any more unnecessary pain to the boy on his chest. “Everything you say is adorable, especially when you say my name.”
"Ah- if you say so, Bokuto~San." Akaashi mumbles back, his entire face now a deep shade of red. His whole body feels tingly, and not in the good way. In the way shaken seltzer probably feels. He's so scared. He had never told Bokuto that he had panic attacks, let alone the fact that they were becoming rather frequent recently.
"Are you feeling at least a little better now? If there's anything else I can do, tell me." Bokuto says softly, leaning his face into the warmth of Akaashi's hand on his cheek.
Akaashi had started moving his thumb, rubbing softly. He knew how comforting this was because he used to do it to himself. "No… I'm okay now….kind of…" Akaaahi inhales sharply. "Thank you….Bokuto~San. I've never had one of these in front of someone. You're the last person I expected to see. Honestly, you were the one person who could bring me down, without even knowing it."
"You have these a lot then?" Bokuto frowns. "Why didn't you tell me? That sounds serious."
"That- that's why." Akaashi sticks his chin out and over the blanket so he can breathe a little easier. "I didn't want you to worry about me. I handle them fine all by myself. Or I just pass out and sleep them off."
"How often before today?" Bokuto asks softly. He's not sure if he wants to know the answer.
"Uhm." He darts his eyes away. He doesn't want to see the look on Bokuto’s face. "After you left… probably once a week… maybe more. I don't really keep track. I don't want to."
Bokuto sighs, placing his chin back on top of Akaasi's head. "We're getting you a therapist. And a physiatrist. Don't even try to fight me on it."
"I'm too tired to fight even if I wanted." Akaashi yawns, closing his eyes momentarily. "If I'm getting looked at then so are you. No buts."
"Fair enough.” Bokuto agrees. “If it'll make you feel better, I'll see if I can get an appointment before I go back to school in January."
'Back to school…..' Akaashi finds himself clinging to Bokuto just a bit tighter. He had almost forgotten that they don't go to school together anymore. Bokuto was in college, leaving Akaashi alone with the rest of their old teammates and some new first years. "Yeah. It'll make me feel a lot better." Before he can say anything else, the sound of a car door slamming outside sends him shooting upright. "Fuck."
"WHOAH- language!" Bokuto looks at Akaashi with wide eyes. "Is that your parents? Are they going to kill me?" He panics slightly.
"No- I'll just go talk to them and explain that you came to visit me for my birthday." Akaashi starts to get up from on top of Bokuto. "It'll be fine. Just stay here.”
“Are you sure?” Bokuto reaches out for him, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Aren't they going to notice how sad you look? Won’t they ask questions?”
“No.” Akaashi shakily gets up, his vision fading momentarily. “They won't. Trust me.” He turns his head around to the pouting Bokuto behind him. “What? I’m being honest. If anything they’re going to ask me to make you leave.”
“We can go back to my place then. If you want.” He pauses to sit upright in a more comfortable position. “I don’t think you should be alone right now.”
Akaashi feels his heart swell in his chest. Bokuto was being so considerate. He’s usually so loud and outspoken. But now, he was softer with his entire persona, trying to accommodate yo the anxious Akaashi who would now be even more of an important person in his life.
He realizes he was staring off, once again distracted by the voices echoing in his mind. He smiles softly at Bokuto. “We’ll see what happens.” He smooths out his shirt and rubs his eyes to at least attempt at looking okay. He reaches over to ruffle Bokuto’s hair. “I’ll be back soon. Don’t cause too much trouble.”
“I’ll try. But, you know me.” Bokuto chuckles.
Akaashi draws his hand back from Bokuto’s head, going over to his closet. He opens the door and pulls out a volleyball. “Here.” He tosses it over to Bokuto who has to fight the instincts that tell him to spike it to the ground. “Keep yourself entertained.”
“Will do, cap.”
Now with Akaashi gone, Bokuto finds a chance to process all the events that had just taken place. He lays flat on his back, beginning to toss the white, green, and red ball into the air letting his mind replay all these new memories he had experienced with Akaashi. He finds himself replaying their kiss again and again.
‘Danm. Consent is really hot.’
Bokuto gets torn out of his recap bubble, hearing the muffled voices and footsteps coming from downstairs. He catches the ball and places it into his lap, sitting up in the bed. He’s curious, yes. But he didn't want to do anything that could upset Akaashi or his parents. So his focus is back to the window, outside at the snow.
It had snowed a lot overnight. Six to eight inches at least. Bokuto was ecstatic. He really wants to jump out the window right now and roll around in it. He has at least half a brain-cell to know that it’d kill him, but he does consider it. One day, he would jump off a roof into a pile of snow. He had too.
“Bokuto~San.” Akaashi stands in the door frame, holding Bokuto’s backpack by the top strap.
Bokuto practically whips his head over to look at his counterpart, once again trying to read his expression as he makes his way into the room. He looks calm.
“My parents said you can stay.” Akaashi closes his bedroom door and places Bokuto’s bag on the ground next to his bed before sitting down beside him. Their knees bump slightly. “As long as you help me shovel before we do anything else.”
“Yeah- of course! I've been dying to go out into the snow. I went out this morning but, it’ll be way more fun now that you’re awake!” Bokuto rambles excitedly. His eyes glimmer with some sort of childlike wonder. Akaashi wished he could view things as positively as Bokuto often did.
“I knew you’d say that. They didn't believe it.” Akaashi looks down at his lap, fidgeting with his hands. “Yet again they don’t believe half the stuff I say, so, what's new?” He clears his throat almost immediately, regretting the words that had fallen out. “Sorry- that was...uncalled for. “
Bokuto shifts from his seat in the bed, wrapping his arm around Akaashi’s waist and pulling him close to his side. He doesn't ask about Akaashi's home situation because he's already heard quite a bit about it in the past. He instead kisses the boy’s cheek, resting his forehead against the side of Akaashi’s. “Let's go show them that I’m the best snow shoveler they’ve ever seen.”
A smile is pulled from Akaashi’s lips and he gives Bokuto a side glance. “You’re really trying to make this into another competition?” He teases.
“Oh, you know it.”
Hours later, the boys find themselves in Akaashi’s basement.
The snow had begun once again, which would usually pull Bokuto out of whatever activity he was partaking in. But, his eyes were closed and Akaashi was on his lap, leaving him a bit too preoccupied to start babbling about the frozen flakes that would soon cover up the hard work the two had done earlier. They’d have to shovel again. But it didn't matter. Bokuto would be happy doing anything as long as Akaashi was with him.
“B-Bokuto~San.” Akaashi’s breathless, his forehead pressed to Bokuto’s and his hands on both of Bokuto's hot cheeks. “Is this what soulmates do when they meet for the first time?”
“Not sure.” Bokuto leans in to kiss Akaashi again. “But we’ve known each other for a while. Our situation is much different than soulmates who are meeting for the first time. Plus,” He kisses him again, waiting a bit longer before he pulls away. “I’ve been waiting for over a year to do this, maybe longer if I’m being honest with myself.” His hands glide up Akaashi’s shirt and softly squeeze his sides, absorbing the warmth his skin had to offer. Bokuto stares into Akaashi’s deep blue eyes, bathing in the blush that appeared on his cheeks. “I always looked at you differently. It wasn't until my birthday that I realized why. You came into my life for a reason. Like, I found you before I even knew it.”
Akaashi smiles timidly, looking at the gleaming eyes that were only inches away from his own. “I think I found you, actually.” His hands move up Bokuto’s face so he can cup it easier. “You know you’re the reason I decided to go to Fukurodani.”
“Oh right! I almost forgot about that!” Bokuto simpers, looking quite pleased. “I’m just such a good player that you just had to come to Fukurodani and play with me.”
“That's part of it, yeah.” Akaashi presses a kiss to Bokuto’s nose. “You’re also very handsome.”
“Oh hush-” Bokuto blushes. He loves the attention more than he cares to admit. “Weren't you saying earlier how you just realized you were into me? Into guys?”
“I’ve known. I just repressed it.” He breaks eye contact with Bokuto staring off out the window at the snow. “My parents won’t be happy when I tell them.”
“Too bad!” Bokuto removes one of his hands from under Akaashi’s shirt and uses it to turn his face back toward his own. “Soulmate breaking was outlawed last year. You, and they, are stuck with me forever.”
“Lucky me then.” Akaashi hugs Bokuto, burying his face into the crook of his neck. His eyes start to tear again for what felt like the twentieth time today. “You’re more perfect than I could have asked for, Bokuto~San. I’m so glad I found you...again.”
Bokuto smiles, hugging Akaashi back just as tight. “I'm glad you found me again too.”