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At first, Chuuya didn't take notice. He thought it was just another customer who came to the bar for a drink and happened to take the seat beside him because well… this wouldn't be the first time it happened and surely this wouldn't be the last.
Like how he always does, he ignored the man and ordered his wine; Chuuya was clearly minding his own business when the tan colored trench coated man sang : "Long time no see." And Chuuya will always recognise that voice, that tone, that person anywhere.
His movements came to a halt, his body froze and his eyes widened as he looked at the supposedly stranger.
"Hi, Chuuya." The brunet smiled and Chuuya swore, he had never felt that much feelings in such a short span of time; Anger, sadness, hurt, confusion, slight relief, gladness and happiness. Chuuya downed his full glass of wine in a gulp; he refused to deal with this sober.
"Whoa, easy there, Chibi." The familiar nickname he had not heard in forever, caused his chest to squeeze painfully.
"You.." Chuuya gritted out, his grip on his wine glass tightening. "What are you doing here?" How could he, after what he had done; after disappearing without so much a goodbye, without a single trace, for years; leaving him alone to guess where the fuck he might have gone to, whether he's doing well or not, if he had gone and succeeded in taking his own life. How dare he come back, sit beside him and greet him like nothing happened.
"Can't I meet my old friend?" The redhead scoffed at that.
"Old friend?" He repeated. "As far as I remember, we're nothing short of a friend."
"You're right. We're not." Dazai said, an ambiguous smile on his lips. "I miss you."
Just… How dare he?
Chuuya couldn't believe what he had just heard. He's the one who left, he's the one who disappeared, he's the one who abandoned him like he never meant anything to him in the first place. Who the fuck gives him any fucking right to come and say he miss him? After everything he put him through?
"Not my problem." Was what Chuuya said as he refilled his glass. He needed as much alcohol in his vein to get through this night. "I really like this bar so I'm not going to start anything here. So if you can, for our sake, just act like you don't know me, act like we don't know each other."
"Chuuya, I'm here to explain."
"I don't need that. Four years of no contact is enough of an explanation." Chuuya said harshly, violently chugging down his alcohol, grace and elegance long gone. "I don't want to listen to shit, Dazai."
"Let me, please. You don't have to forgive me but I want you to listen." The brunet said, lacking his usual mirth and mockery; if anything, he actually sounded genuine. But Chuuya, he had been tricked by the same man countless times, he's not going to fall for this again.
"I'm leaving." Chuuya announced, slamming his bills, gathered up his belongings and fast walked to the exit.
He yanked his hand away when he felt thin fingers wrapping around his wrist. "Don't." Chuuya took steps back. "I'm not going to fall for this again, Dazai. Enough is enough. I'm done with your shit, I'm trying to move on and hell, I was doing so fine until you decided to come back and ruined everything for me again."
"Chuuya, please. I beg you, listen to me. I know you're angry, I know you're sad and I know you're hurt. But trust me when I say that I have a good reason for leaving."
The mafioso heaved a short laugh. "And don't you think that you should have told me that good reason of yours when you left? Can't you at least spare me a simple goodbye? So that I wasn't such a mess when you left, that I wasn't left wondering where the fuck would you be, whether you're still breathing or not?"
"I can't. If I had gone and saw you back then, I wouldn't be able to leave. I would have chosen to stay with you in the dark."
"And so you left me for the light, even when you're the one who brought me to the dark in the first place." Chuuya chuckled. "What a good fucking reason."
"I'm sorry." Dazai muttered, his usual confidence nowhere in sight and he actually looked small, for once.
"Sorry doesn't cut-"
"I know it doesn't. I… don't know what else to say." Dazai ran his fingers through his thick locks. For the first time, ever since knowing him, Dazai seemed frustrated and honestly confused, concerned. "I had no idea what I can do to make it up to you."
Chuuya shook his head. "There's nothing you can do except moving on with your own goddamn life, like what you did in those four years. Mind your own goddamn business while I mind mine."
"Chuuya.."
"Shut up. You're not the one who was left behind, you're not the one who was abandoned. You have no goddamn right to tell me that I should listen to-" Chuuya's words died in his throat as he was forcefully pulled into Dazai's embrace, his cheeks colliding with Dazai's now broader chest and he felt his breath hitched. "No." He immediately said, trying to push the male away.
"I don't want you to think that you meant nothing to me. Hell, you mean everything to me, even now." Dazai muttered lowly, holding Chuuya close and maybe in the span of four years, Dazai had gotten stronger; or maybe, Chuuya's just not putting enough resistance.
"I don't believe you. I don't want to believe you, not anymore." The ginger said weakly.
"Just this once, please."
Chuuya shook his head but when Dazai held his face and kissed him tenderly, he didn't resist. He couldn't deny, as much as he wanted to, his heart still wanted this; even though his head is screaming for him to pull away, the heart wants what it wants. He could feel wetness on his cheeks as they kissed, so nostalgic, so familiar and so painfully right.
"I'm sorry." Dazai muttered, brushing away his tears as he continued to treat him with the gentleness he never thought the brunet was capable of. "Please, give me a chance to fix this."
The redhead could only sob quietly as Dazai tugged him away, into Chuuya's car and drove them to his place. "How-"
"Even when I was told to stay hidden and keep a low profile, I always watch you, everyday without a miss." Dazai admitted, leading Chuuya to his condo unit. "I miss you. You had no idea how many times I wanted to reach out to you. To have you in my arms again?"
The redhead bit down his lower lip as Dazai kissed his forehead, down to his nose and lips. "How could I know that it's not a lie?" Chuuya asked. Oh how badly he wanted to believe in him, but Dazai had always been such a sweet liar.
"You will know. Because Chuuya knows me better than anyone else."
"Even after four years.. do I really?" Chuuya sighed, giving into the temptation to be held by those arms which embraced him years ago. To be claimed and taken so sweetly, like he's something fragile, like he's actually precious.
They didn't talk about the continuous stream of tears Chuuya spilled as Dazai had his way with his body, re-familiarizing himself with the outline of his figure, every nook and cranny.
Then as Dazai threw away the used condom, Chuuya curled himself into a ball. "I was doing fine, really. And then you waltz back into my life like you didn't break my heart, break me." He said quietly, the brunet sitting on the leg of the bed and listening tentatively. "You came back, so easily, to me because you know, no matter what, I'll always run back to you."
They both fell silent for a moment and then when Chuuya looked up from his lap to meet Dazai's amber eyes- "No." The brunet immediately said. He's always been that good at reading people, after all.
The corner of his lips lifted slightly into a trembly smile. "But not this time. This will be the last time I let this happen." Chuuya said, the cracking in his voice betraying him and he watched as Dazai crawled to him, holding onto both his hands.
"Chuuya, I will really make it up to you this time. I promise."
The redhead shook his head. "As much as I want to, I can't believe those words anymore. Not your promises, not your I love you's." He smiled sorrowfully.
Slowly, he pulled away his hand from Dazai's grasp. "Leave." He said as gently as he could. Chuuya pulled his gaze away when he saw the way amber eyes started to get shiny. "Leave, Osamu. I'll pretend this never happened."
"But it does, Chuuya. It happened. Tonight is real, it happened." The younger one said, tone a little frantic. "I thought you agreed because you wanted me to fix us."
"I wanted to fix us, at first. But four years was enough of time to let doubt and uncertainties grow. I don't want to live in constant fear of being abandoned by the person who wouldn't think twice in leaving me."
"I did think-"
"Save it, Osamu. Enough is enough." The mafioso said, his voice gentle but his tone was firm; as if nothing could change his mind anymore. "Maybe it's just not meant to be."
"We can make it meant to be. I'll make you trust me again, I will never leave you again." Dazai's voice was begging and Chuuya couldn't bring himself to look at him. He knew it would make him waver.
"I love you." The redhead blurted out.
"I love you too!"
"But I don't want you anymore." If Chuuya saw Dazai's devastated face, he would've taken back his words immediately but because he didn't, Chuuya proceeded. "My stupid heart still longs for you, I'll be honest-"
"Then listen to your heart, Chuuya."
"But my mind said that it's time to let go; you've given me enough trauma, enough pain and suffering, Osamu. I want to love myself a little more and I chose to let you go for that."
Chuuya's stare was fixed on the way Dazai was tightly clutching his bed sheet before loosening. "I.. understand." He said through gritted teeth, defeated. "I'm sorry." The brunet then repeated, letting go of the sheet fully.
The ginger didn't push him away when he tilted his face up by his chin. "Can I?" Dazai asked almost fearfully and Chuuya nodded, closing his eyes as he let their lips mold together one last time.
No one said a thing as Dazai broke away, put his clothes back on and walked to the door. But Chuuya's eyes fell on the ticking clock and called out : "Osamu." Dazai turned his head towards him, a hopeful look in his face. "I hope you'll do well in the light." He said and stayed his ground even as he watched the way Dazai's face fell.
"I hope Chuuya does well, too." He returned, grabbing onto the knob.
"And.." Chuuya gave him a smile, no one mentioning the tears dripping down his cheek and sheet. "Merry C-Christmas."
Dazai forced a smile, his gaze blurry as he opened the door. "Merry Christmas, Chibi."
He pretended he didn't hear Chuuya's heart-wrenching cries after he closed the door again. And biting his shaking lower lip, with a heavy heart full of regret and equally heavy steps, Dazai left the unit without a look back.