Chapter Text
The start of the fall term has meant that Zhongli has been dragged to a few too many parties against his will.
He’s in his final year, for Archons’ sake. He doesn’t have time for all of this. He’s supposed to be stuck in front of the new computer set-up that his friends insisted on him getting so he can write his dissertation without his neck craned over his old brick, not getting drunk like a lightweight on cheap alcohol.
Zhongli’s schoolmates are loaded, for the most part. So why are they even drinking cheap alcohol? Zhongli can only guess the reasons. Is it for some strange, misplaced longing to pretend like they’re not who they are?
Zhongli is almost perfectly happy to be who he is. Almost. This is mainly because he has a niggling suspicion that if his autumn wear isn’t composed of cashmere and lambskin gloves, all black and gold with the designer tags gleaming off them, his frequent “ah, shucks, I left my wallet at home” moments wouldn’t fly as well in any store.
So yes, he’s happy enough to be who he is. And if his parents would get off him for a single second about finding a nice girl before they found one for him… Well, he’ll be happier.
But after that one night and a few fruitless Google searches, Zhongli caves to calling his friends for help. Zhongli only has to wait for a little bit before the few of them pile into the bar at five pm on a Thursday, a time and day where Diluc wouldn’t kick them out for hogging his prime seats.
Zhongli doesn’t quite expect to relay his story to an unsympathetic audience.
“Oh Zhongli, Zhongli, Zhongli…” Venti chokes on his own laughter, earning his back a sharp slap from Xiao. “You what? Hey, hey, someone record this for the history books—”
Xiao and Hu Tao spot equally judgementally unimpressed looks. Okay, that’s not fully accurate. Xiao’s face tells of long-suffering exasperation, while Hu Tao’s eyes fail to hide a merry twinkle.
Oh no.
A gravelly voice sounds from behind, also disapprovingly, “Man, even the freshmen have more game than you do.”
Zhongli wonders if being judged by the always-single-batman is a sign that he Messed Up, Real Bad this time. His cheeks are this close to self-immolation. He decides to not dwell too much on it.
He only attempts to save his dignity with a weak almost-squawk, but the others have since decided to snatch the note in Zhongli’s hands from him.
“Hey old man, did you not get his number?” Hu Tao demands suddenly. “Dude, you’re older than like, everyone in this room – except maybe Diluc because how old is Diluc – and yet?”
Diluc elects to ignore the jab at his supposed old age by sweeping his hands across his mane of very-red hair. Clearly, the guy isn’t as close to grey hair as Zhongli is in his final year of college. Regular trips to the salon – as mandated by Hu Tao, which, he thinks, is the only nice thing she does for him ever – can only do so much to hide the Honours year induced greying.
“Urgh.” Zhongli wants to wave them off. “But do all of you really not have any idea who this guy is?”
“Nope,” Venti shrugs, hopping off the barstool. “Dude, you need to learn a thing or two about being popular – other people know us, not the other way round!”
Xiao snorts. “He’s right.”
Zhongli sighs. “Venti has a lot of friends though.”
Hu Tao only shrugs. “Well, guess he’s not friends with anyone called Tartaglia. So… guess you’re out of luck?” Then, she grins, like something has only occurred to her. That expression rarely bodes very well for Zhongli’s sanity, so he braces himself. “I’ve never known dudes named Tartaglia can give otherworldly blow jobs though!”
Diluc only raises a brow, continuing to wipe the glasses in his hand. Venti halts his dash towards the toilet to burst into another peal of bright laughter. Xiao’s brow twitches a little at the comment, but there’s an inkling of a smirk on his ever-serious face.
Zhongli sighs again. “I wouldn’t call it an otherworldly blow job.” His cheeks are definitely going to burn off from his cheekbones.
(A pity. He has a vague memory of Tartaglia calling his face pretty.)
Hu Tao only continues, that smile still on her face. “You wouldn’t be looking this hard for him if it wasn’t at least an eleven out of ten. So come on, bestie! We can be honest here.”
Xiao and Diluc both grouch out that they aren’t going to be honest here.
And bestie? (That’s from Xiao, who doesn’t understand why he agreed to rooming with both Zhongli and Hu Tao. Boundaries between Xiao and the rest of his housemates are Very Important, thank you very much.)
Diluc saves Xiao from grumping that he’s no one’s bestie by pointing out he’s an unknown number of years older than the rest of them. Hu Tao simply elects to ignore the guy’s complaints.
“Say, Zhongli, can’t you give me something more to work with? Like, you’ve gone on and on and on about trying to find him, but you’ve not even told me where you guys met!”
“Oh.” Zhongli makes a sound in realisation. He’s not very smart, is he? “I… I believe I was at…”
Zhongli makes a noise as he tries to remember which party of the week he was at. At some point, they’ve all started to blur into a mess of Zhongli drinking Too Much so he doesn’t have to remember saying yes to being dragged out for compulsory socialisation by Hu Tao. He should re-evaluate his friendship with her, even if she and Venti are, pretty much, the only people in his life who could keep him abreast of campus news.
“The diner!”
Diluc stops wiping the glass. “Sorry, did I catch that? Zhongli was at a diner?”
Hu Tao shrugs. “When we were growing up, he used to frequent Third-Round Knockout. I think it made him feel all adventurous.”
Xiao makes a noise. “Zhongli, desiring adventure?”
Hu Tao shrugs again. “He was thirteen. That phase didn’t last long. But he really liked their rice balls.”
Xiao raises an eyebrow sceptically. “You’re saying that Zhongli has been an alcoholic since he was a kid?” (This comment would likely elicit a cheer from Venti if he isn’t presently occupied in the washroom.)
“Sure he was,” Hu Tao chirps breezily and then, to Zhongli’s mild annoyance, offers up more information on Zhongli’s personal life, “Zhongli’s house has a wine cellar.”
“That’s not particularly surprising,” Diluc notes.
Venti reappears, flicking his wet hands against Hu Tao’s coat. “Dude, did you at least break into it?”
“Yes,” Zhongli says, at the same time that Hu Tao says, “No.”
Hu Tao rolls her eyes. “You don’t need to pretend to be cooler than a piece of tissue, Zhongli.” Then, she swivels on her stool to give Venti a kick, and continues even as her friend winces, “He hardly needed to break in when his parents let him have his pick.”
“Ooh,” Venti coos. “Underaged drinking? Damn, Zhongli.”
Zhongli clears his throat before he glares at Hu Tao. “I didn’t drink that much of it. But we’ve been sidetracked. So yes, we got smashed at some party, and I met this Tartaglia at a diner—”
“And he gave you a blowjob in the toilet? The car? Out behind the dumpsters? Do you hear yourself, my friend? Sounds like the start to some bad porno.”
Not for the first time that week, Zhongli entertains the thought of strangling Venti. Strangulation would be too good for this snickering imp.
Well, Venti did hit the mark though. With yet another sigh, Zhongli concedes, “…The car.”
There’s a moment of silence from his friends before a chorus of voices break out.
“Ugh, I need a drink.” (Xiao, pointing at a bottle of whisky behind Diluc.)
“No way!” (Hu Tao, laughing, on the verge of tears.)
“…” (Diluc, contemplating whether abstaining from alcohol for the rest of his life is truly a viable prospect with these kids crashing his bar like that.)
“I knew it!” (Venti, crowing.)
Then, Hu Tao gasps. “Wait, did he blow you in your car?”
Xiao turns green at that question. Venti looks like he’s torn between gaping and laughing again. Diluc only watches, the corners of his mouth twitching so very slightly.
Zhongli slowly nods. Xiao and Hu Tao cradle their faces in their hands, lamenting that they wished they thought to wipe the car down with Dettol, at a minimum. Venti finally decides he’ll laugh instead of doing his best imitation of a goldfish.
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They leave the bar after realising that they won’t get anywhere with the meagre information Zhongli has about Mr Bestows Fantastic Fellatios. In his defence, Zhongli had protested the term, but Venti insisted on spitting out a strangled bff sound. Xiao actually cracked a smile at that, so Zhongli shut up quickly after.
They’ve scoured the student logs. Instagram. Hu Tao and Venti even reset their Facebook passwords to dig through the search bar. But there simply aren’t any Tartaglias on campus, to their knowledge. And between the few of them, Xiao and Zhongli excluded, they do know quite a few people.
That leaves Zhongli with few options. Mr BFF is probably lost to him forever. Archons. He needs to stop thinking of Tartaglia like that.
Never let it be said that Zhongli won’t be reduced to visiting the local diner again. Hanging out at Good Hunter awaiting a Tartaglia… His Liyue upbringing reminds him that waiting under a tree for rabbits is a futile effort, but beggars really can’t be choosers.
The twins catch him sulking at the diner one afternoon. And, as Lumine helpfully points out, it’s sort of creepy. Aether, that traitor, only sides with his sister to tell Zhongli that it’s almost stalking. Zhongli would’ve asked them to leave him alone, but he realises that neither Sara nor Xiangling will let his wallet-omission slide for two days in a row.
(Zhongli needs to figure out how e-payments work sometime soon… though he has also been telling himself this for the past three years.)
Thus, he lets the twins stay, even if all Lumine does is tease him about the aviator spectacles. He doesn’t understand the jab. His glasses come with PC lenses! Staring at RStudio for entire days on end dries out your eyes!
And when he offers that retort, Lumine only observes that there isn’t much literature to support the “PC lens equates to less strain on eyes” thing. Aether tacks a “it’s just a marketing tactic, Zhongli,” onto her sentence.
On Day Four with the twins, he reconsiders his decision to endure their continued presence.
But Xiangling is already kind enough to let him occupy the booth with only endless coffee orders, even if the official policy states that all patrons have to order a main if they want to stay for longer than an hour. And the twins have bottomless appetites, and order more than enough for the three of them.
The first time Zhongli mumbles that he’d rather not have fish and chips, Xiangling only giggles with some fond exasperation, and doesn’t repeat the fine print at the bottom of the menu. Zhongli is essentially allergic to seafood, or so he claims. Which is to say, he isn’t actually allergic to seafood, he’s just so hugely averse to the idea of any seafood. His parents never quite understood Zhongli’s preferences, but that’s okay. They don’t understand much of him either.
“You guys are insufferable,” Zhongli finally snaps after a long day of crunching numbers and trying to resolve his Error in data.frame issues.
Lumine laughs. Aether feigns hurt, and does a perfect imitation of a kicked puppy, which makes Zhongli feel bad. Just a little.
Xiangling raises a brow when she clears his third mug of coffee. “They’re only trying to help, Zhongli.”
“I don’t care.” Zhongli almost doesn’t care that he sounds like a whiney child. Zhongli never sounds like a child. Archons.
“There, there.” Lumine gingerly pats his back in sympathy.
“You’re being exceptionally grouchy. But it’s okay, we forgive you. You’ll get laid someday!” Aether exclaims, grinning encouragingly.
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Zhongli removed Venti (Music)
Zhongli changed group name to <<Liyuen Housemates>>
Hu Tao (Liyue) changed group name to <<WE ARE GETTING YOU LAID>>
Zhongli changed group name to <<Liyuen Housemates>>
Hu Tao (Liyue) changed group name to <<C’MON??>>
Hu Tao (Liyue) added Venti (Music)
Hu Tao (Liyue) changed group name to <<zhongli needs a sex life>>
Hu Tao (Liyue) changed group name to <<operation get zhongli a sexlife>>
Venti (Music) [02:40]: sup!!!
Venti (Music) [02:41]: im back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Venti (Music) [02:41]: lmao did Hu Tao run out of space
Venti (Music) [02:42]: shes right tho
Zhongli removed Venti (Music)
Hu Tao (Liyue) added Venti (Music)
Venti (Music) [02:43]: eheh
Venti (Music) [02:43]: just give up, zhongers
Xiao (History/Linguistics) [02:44]: Archons. stop spamming. I have a test tomorrow!!
Hu Tao (Liyue) [02:45]: just turn your notifications off loser
Zhongli [02:49]: That is not very nice, Hu Tao. I also don’t appreciate being called “zhongers”, Venti.
Zhongli [03:10]: Xiao, do you want your phone back? I got it back from the others.
Hu Tao (Liyue) [11:22]: his test is going on rn
Hu Tao (Liyue) [11:22]: you can leave his phone behind when u go tartaglia hunting
Hu Tao (Liyue) [11:24]: also, @Zhong_Li, you realise that… xiao doesnt have his phone right… dude cant reply u
Xiao (History/Linguistics) [12:39]: Well! I’m done with my test. Thanks @funeralRIGHTS for getting breakfast. Why is Venti passed out on the couch?