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It was fair to say that Alex had a complicated relationship with love. Ever since he was a child, love was something that was expected from him. He was expected to love many people, with his parents, of course, being at the top of that list. He thought that that was a reasonable expectation because they provided for him, they provided food and a home, education and doctor's bills, his drum kit and almost anything else he could’ve needed. They loved him. Well, until they didn’t. Until they couldn't love him anymore, because of who he loved. He shouldn’t’ve found that funny, but he did.
He was also expected to love God. He never really questioned it when he was younger, it was just a part of his life: say thanks before meals, pray before bed, attend the 10am service every sunday, and all that jazz. He never did question it until he actually paid attention to the words that were spoken. He was 13, and the vicar mentioned the words “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” which sent a jolt up his spine, as he realised that once again, love was an obligation. It was also, once again, a love that would one day leave him burnt and alone. A love that would hurt in a way that nobody should ever be hurt.
The only people who never expected unwavering love from him were his boys. Luke, Reggie, and Bobby were different that way. They kept him warm and safe, in the coldest, scariest moments, and they became his family when his family left him behind. There were days when he couldn't face going home to another discussion about his future, about a time when his brain was better and he could live a “normal, happy, respectable life” as his father hoped. Those days would be spent curled up on the couch in Bobby’s garage, his feet tucked up on the soft, battered leather and his knees slotted inside his hoodie so he could rest his chin on top as he tried to make himself as small as possible because that way maybe he could disappear, and he would never have to go home to those conversations ever again.
Those were the days when Reggie would hold him tight, wrap his flannel clad arms around Alex and sneak a hand into the front pocket of Alex’s hoodie, whispering comforting words and promising that he’d never let go unless he was physically ripped away by wolves, which always made Alex smile, at least for a moment. Those comments also made Alex’s chest tighten and he never knew why, they were just so sweet and so full of genuine affection. When Reggie saw Alex smile lightly, he would cuddle further into Alex and push his face into the crook of his neck, keeping him close.
Those were the afternoons when Bobby would bring Alex a mug of herbal tea, even though it would never get drunk, and he’d deliver it with a soft kiss to the top of his head, whilst gently brushing away a strand of hair that had stuck to his damp cheeks. As he set the mug down, he would crouch in front of Alex and hold his shaking hands and let him know that it was okay to cry, that it was okay to feel alone and scared. Bobby never expected an answer, he would just press his forehead to Alex’s and breathe with him.
Sometimes he just couldn’t go home at night, and those nights were when Luke would pull him into a gentle hug before moving him to sit on the floor whilst he pulled out the mattress from inside the couch. Luke would gently steer Alex onto the bed and let him get comfortable before picking up his acoustic guitar and playing slow songs to ease him into a sleep before settling down and tucking his smaller body against Alex and drifting to sleep. He would wake up to find a mop of brown hair splayed out over the pillow next to him, Luke would always be snoring quietly, sound asleep yet with his fingers tight around the fabric of Alex’s hoodie; as of he couldn't bear the thought of letting go of his best friend, the boy that had become his brother.
He never understood what was going on between him and the other members of Sunset Curve, and he never considered that they loved him. He didn't understand how it could be love - he always thought that love was something that was already there, something that was forced. He never anticipated that it was something that grew and was created. It wasn’t until much later, that he realised that he loved them back.
Before he died, he never got to willingly, yet uncontrollably, fall in love with someone. He never got to experience a love blossoming from his heart like a daffodil in early april. He never got to experience the persistent heat and tickle of petals pushing against his ribcage searching for a way out.
——
Spending twenty five years alone and blind in the dark room gives him the ability to truly see what was in front of him. It isn’t until Willie that he realises what that is. Willie’s the one who allows him to understand what love really is.
It’s exhilarating. Alex is overwhelmed with emotions but in the best way possible. He quite literally falls head over heels for the skater, and it’s scary. He doesn’t know what he’s feeling, and he can’t figure out why his heart races every time they lock eyes only for Willie to quickly avert his gaze, but he knows it makes him want to spend the rest of his afterlife getting Willie to look back at him. It’s like they’ve taken the key from around their neck and slotted it into Alex’s brain, winding it up until his neurons can’t take it anymore, then removing the key, and now every thought he’s ever had about what love was supposed to be has come spilling out. Every single memory of his parents’ “love” is stripped back and revealed for what it truly was. If they truly loved him, they wouldn't have let him depend on the boys for support, they wouldn't have treated him with resentment. That isn’t what love is, he realises.
Love is seeing each other at your weakest, and being there for them even when there isn’t anything you can directly do. Alex lets Willie sit by him when he’s shaking and struggling to breathe, and Willie is perfect every time. He keeps a safe distance so they don't overwhelm Alex with how close they are, waiting and reassuring with words and gentle expressions. They wait until Alex says it’s okay to touch him and they hold his hand over their chest so Alex can feel Willie breathing under his palm, creating a focal point and helping to bring Alex back from hyperventilation. Willie is there when Alex finally slumps forward and rests in the safety of their embrace, a trembling hand making its way up to play with the dark brown strands that fall in front of his boyfriend’s face. Every time, without fail, Willie will gently rock Alex’s exhausted body and murmur words of reassurance, reminding him that he’s okay.
Love was letting each other be completely and utterly open, without an ounce of judgement. Willie and Alex tell each other everything, and they agree on keeping no more secrets after what happened with Caleb. They talk about his life, they talk about who was important to them and who they wish they could still see. They talk about what hurts them, and Willie lets Alex see the effects of having his soul stolen and owned for such a long time. He sees how hard it is for Willie to trust, because the last time he trusted anyone, he got stuck in a situation where he was never truly free to do anything he really wanted. Alex sees how sometimes Willie felt like they were trapped in their own body because part of him was missing, that part of them was metaphorically locked in some ghostly chest in the attic of the Hollywood Ghost Club (that was just a theory but it made them both giggle and made Willie press his back against Alex’s chest and lay their head against his collarbone as the laughter worked their way through his body).
They talk about what keeps them awake at night, even if they don’t need to sleep. Alex lets Willie know that he used to be scared to go to sleep because what if he woke up and his parents had finally decided that he needed to leave? He was always worried that when he woke up, he would be told to pack a bag and get out. Even after Alex left that house of his own volition and moved into the studio with Luke (and eventually Reggie) he was still terrified of going to sleep. Those were his boys, and what if he woke up and something had happened in the night and they weren’t all tightly wound around each other? What if they all got kicked out by Bobby’s grandparents one morning and they had nowhere to go? Alex told Willie about all the “what if’s” that ran through his brain at night, that wouldn't let him sleep until his body gave up and passed out. He told Willie about how after living with Luke’s clingy, co-dependent ass (this phrase always made Willie snort, especially after seeing Luke spend an entire day just holding onto Julie’s sleeve with one hand and Reggies sleeve with the other hand because he remembered that it was his childhood dog’s birthday), he just couldn’t fall asleep without the people he cared most about nearby.
Alex learns so much. He learns that love is mutual and he should never be expected to love anyone without them loving him back. He learns that getting support from someone doesn't entitle them to his love. That no matter what anyone says, he doesn't have to love his parents anymore, they don't deserve it and they never did, not after the way they treated him, not after the way they tried to change him, the way they ignored him after he couldn't change, and most certainly not after the way they let him leave.
Alex also discovers that there are so many ways to love someone. He’s able to look back at his darkest moments and see the deep platonic love that Bobby, Reggie and Luke showed him. He can now see that everything he felt and still feels for them is love, and that that love can be shown in so many ways, whether simple or meaningful.
He loved Bobby when he would untwist those stupid red suspenders before going on stage, because no matter how many times he wore them, he still couldn’t get them to sit properly. He also loved Bobby when the memory of his parents death would overwhelm him, and he couldn't focus on anything but the idea of the car crash being his fault because they were on their way to pick him up from his ex’s house. Alex listened to Bobby tell him that it was his fault that the girl couldn't take no for an answer, even after he told her he didn't have those feelings for her, and that it was his fault that his parents had to drive over there in the middle of the night, his fault that they never reached their destination. Alex just listened and kept him company until the guilt passed over like a raincloud after a shower. Those were the times when Bobby wouldn't sleep up in the house, instead he would come down to the studio and all four of them would sleep together, Reggie and Luke pressed against either side of Alex and Alex’s hand reaching out to hold Bobby’s, who was curled behind Luke with his forehead pressed against the back of Luke’s neck.
He loves Reggie when he stops him from getting his toast out of the toaster with a fork, because that boy has no self preservation instincts whatsoever - even after fixing his amp in the rain and getting mildly electrocuted. He also loves Reggie when he distracts him on stormy nights, because thunder sounds far too similar to a car door slamming or a plate breaking. Alex steals blankets and cushions from the Molina’s linen cupboard and they line the loft with them, creating something not dissimilar to a fort (except neither of them have the architectural ability to make a roof). When that safe space has been made, Alex gives Reggie his favourite hoodie, knowing that it’ll help him realise where he is and help him realise that he's not alone in his dark bedroom listening to his parents fight until the early hours of the morning, but instead he’s in the studio, lying on top of his best friend listening to his heartbeat instead of the sky’s insistent pounding.
He loves Luke when he silently hands over a pad of post-it notes and a pen because he can see the cogs whirring inside that active brain. He knows when Luke has been hit with inspiration, like Euterpe has struck him from above, so Alex is always there to help him get it out. He also loves Luke when he accompanies him to his parents house, he sits outside on the grass and waits until Luke comes out. He sees the broken look on his face and envelopes him into a hug, letting him bury his head into the soft material of Alex’s t-shirt whilst Alex poofs them back to the studio. He knows that Luke doesn't need anything other than to be held close, tightly letting every bit of leftover regret and pain seep out of his body. They just sit on the floor and lean against the back of the couch, two bodies gelling together to create one figure. Alex moves his hands up and down the warm expanse of Luke’s back, gently tracing the length of his spine with his fingers until he reaches the base of his neck. Luke moves further into Alex’s embrace and encourages him to stroke his hair. Alex obliges and just supports and loves him.
So yeah, Alex learnt a lot about love, but his favourite realisation was discovering that he was deeply, unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Willie.