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“Why do you want to borrow my camping supplies, Shawn? Last time you went camping, you thought there was a bear stalking you and you made us leave in the middle of the night. I forgot my pocket knife out there. It was one of a kind, Shawn. It was an anniversary edition swiss army knife with a corkscrew sized especially for wine.”
“Don’t be a bittersweet chocolate chip cookie, Gus. Your pocket knife gave its life to protect us both. What do you value more, your lifelong best friend and mother of your children or your precious pocket knife?”
“What children?!” Gus squawked, drawing the attention of half precinct. “That doesn’t even make sense.”
“How could you even say that?”
Gus stared at him for a moment and then walked on, trying not to look at the people staring at him, doing his pissed off strut over to their usual dwelling area.
“I’m not camping outside, Gus.” Shawn called after him, a few paces behind him. “I’m camping inside, like Dharma and Greg season one. You know, the one where John Cryer shows up with flowers.”
“Then why do you need my tent?”
“Well, I can’t build a fort without you since the Blanket Fort Agreement of 2002 and I don’t have a tent.” They synced just as they reached their destination.
“True,” Gus nodded. “Hey Jules.”
“Hi guys, I didn’t know you had a case.”
“Well, we don’t yet.” Shawn added. “But if you have something you’d like us to get our phalanges on…?”
“No, sorry. Just cut and dry robbery and the rest of the paperwork on that dognapping case from last week.”
“Never trust a dog walker, Jules. They either get attached to the dogs or end up despising them, either way a crime of passion.”
“It wasn’t even the dogwalker.” Gus huffed.
“I didn’t say it was. I was just peppering in some advice. I’m spreading awareness, my friend.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” Jules chuckled quietly. “I think the Chief has something. I mean, she hasn’t told us about anything yet but there were a few case files in there that looked important.”
“Will do,” Gus smiled, nodding. Smiling, Jules looked from Gus to Shawn and back to Gus before walking off.
Few seconds of hesitation, double look, slight widening of smile, all evident that Shawn added to his imaginary ‘Juliet has the hots for Bruton Guster’ investigation file. He was going to have to get another imaginary filing cabinet if it went on any longer, he was running out of imaginary storage with all the evidence piling up.
“You just don’t want me to use your tent.”
Gus turned back from watching Jules stride away. “Well, can you blame me?”
“What am I supposed to do then?”
“I see two options. You can either file a motion to suspend the agreement for one exception, i.e. this Dharma and Greg sleepover, or I can help you build it beforehand.”
“Seems fair. I love building forts with you buddy but I got a whole plan that I know you wouldn’t vibe with. It’s part of my sleepover agenda: build the tent slash fort together, and then get another tent going, if you know what I'm saying.”
“Omigod, my ears are bleeding.”
“I motion to suspend the agreement for one Dharma and Greg sleepover.”
“Does anyone second the motion?” Gus asked loudly.
“What the hell are you two talking about?” Lassiter said, walking towards them.
“McNabb, buddy, can you second my motion?” Shawn called out.
“What do you mean?”
“Just say ‘I second Mr. Shawn Danger Spencer’s motion’. I’d owe you one.”
“No, you don’t need to… I second Mr. Shawn Danger Spencer’s motion.” McNabb said, standing up tall and shoulders back. Shawn couldn’t help but grin, shooting him two appreciative finger guns.”
“Lassie, court is in session, please do not interrupt our proceedings.” Gus said diplomatically. “Motion seconded by Officer McNabb. All in favor?”
“I,” Shawn raised his hand.
“I,” McNabb said.
“I,” Gus said.
“Can the judge vote?” Lassie said, taking a seat behind his desk and giving them his full attention.
“I’m not a judge, I am the arbitrator with a vested interest in the proceedings and therefore can voice my opinion and cast my vote. My position does not grant me any more power than the next voter and I strive to not influence others by voting last. Again, the court asks that Detective Lassiter respect these proceedings and not interrupt again. All opposed?”
“I oppose this whole thing,” Lassie snarked, glaring at Gus.
“Lassie is not a voting member!” Shawn interjected.
“Neither is McNabb! Why am I arguing this?” Lassie threw his head back, covering his eyes.
“I deputized him through my motion and he is allowed to vote because we need a third if there were to be a tie.” Shawn said. “No opposed, Gus.”
“The motion passes.” Gus declared. “Thank you all for participating, this session is now closed.”
“He just thanked himself,” Lassie snarked again.
“It’s called self appreciation,” Shawn commented.
“That’s what’s up.” Gus nodded, fist bumping Shawn for effect. Lassie rolled his eyes.
Gus huffed, giving Shawn a look. Shawn just shrugged, keeping his adoring Lassie’s gruffness side in check and tamping the smile that wanted to spring up.
“So, is there anyone you want me to tell me about? A Dharma and Greg sleepover is pretty big for something I don’t even know about.”
Shawn saw Lassie stiffened out of the corner of his eye. Lassie hadn’t heard what they were talking about earlier and, sure enough, stumbled into their conversation. He quickly looked at Shawn and then looked away. He wanted to laugh, a man who prided himself as great at undercover work bug eyed after one question, not even directed to him.
Also, a little trust might have been nice.
“I want to but alas, no. They want to keep it on the down low.”
“It’s killing me that you won’t tell me.”
“I know man but it is what it is. They want to keep it on the down low and I gotta respect it. If it keeps going, you’ll know eventually.” Shawn said, putting a hand on Gus' shoulders. ”What can I say? I’m loyal. I’m like a golden retriever, or a golden retriever rolling around in a puddle of mud.”
“I thought you were loyal to me.” Gus winced. “That sounded weird. I just mean, after all these years you tell me everything. I tell you everything.”
“You don’t have to tell me twice.”
Gus nodded and sagely said, “I respect it but it doesn't mean I gotta like it.”
“I know, buddy.” Shawn said Lassie fidget out of the corner of his eye. He dwelled purposefully in the silence, letting it feel like a moment of clarity. Then as nonchalantly as he could he dangled a suggestion as bait. “Hey, can you go ask the chief to sign off of this check? I gotta hit the hand.”
“Do you mean hit the head?” Gus frowned.
“I’ve heard it both ways.”
“Then jerk chicken?” Gus said, taking the check from him.
“You know that’s right.”
He and Gus started walking, and just as he thought, Lassie trailed behind them at a close distance. Gus peeled off through the open doors of the Chief’s office. Lassie closed more of the distance between them as they walked into the bathroom.
Shawn clocked no one in the stalls and turned to face Lassie before the door shut.
“Why the hell were you talking about us with Guster?”
“You were right there. You know I didn’t say anything about you. Why are you all prickly?”
“He didn’t need to know we were doing something in the first place.” Lassie whispered angrily and Shawn had to tamp down his smile once again. Lassie was adorable when he was huffy.
He made sure not to sound too condescending. For a detective, he hadn’t picked up on most of the shit that had just gone down. “Yes, he did. We couldn’t do what I'm planning without the proper permits, or I’d be in a world of hurt.”
Lassie looked sideways, his hands on his hips. His posture said confidence, his eyes were anxious. Shawn idly wondered what his blood pressure must be like, with the amount of anxiety he exuded on a daily basis.
“What are you planning?”
Shawn took a step closer to him, closing the short distance between them, close enough to feel Lassie’s breath ghosting across his face and smell the cologne he’d put a little too much of on that morning.
He let his gaze drop to Lassie’s mouth and licked his lips and met his gaze again, teasing him a bit before he spoke. “I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to fuck in a tent and I thought with your cowboy and civil war fixations, you’d be down for it. But I'm not risking bug bites anywhere near my dick, so fort.”
“That seems like an odd fantasy,” Lassie’s gaze kept flicking down to Shawn’s mouth, but not in the purposeful way he’d been doing it. It was like he couldn’t help himself. “And you thought I’d want to make a blanket fort with you?”
“Oh, I know you want to.” Lassie gulped and Shawn smirked.
Lassie’s voice dropped, sending a little shiver through him. “And Guster?”
“It’s a long story involving a sleepover, jealousy, a week long standoff ending in a formal mediation but to sum it up, I can’t make a blanket fort or fort of any kind without talking to Gus first. I either had to ask him or risk him finding out and getting fined 5,000 red vines.”
Lassie’s eyebrows furrowed but he didn’t ask.
They’d been in there for a few minutes and he knew that Gus would be done with the Chief any minute now.
“But I wasn’t going to let the agreement get in the way of all the fun we’re gonna have.” He let his hand reach up and clutch Lassie’s tie, pulling him down a few inches. “And we’re gonna have so much fun.”
Before he could speak, Shawn leaned in and planted one on him, quick and dirty.
“Now, I gotta go. Wait two minutes after I leave to avoid suspicion.” Shawn smoothed down his tie, letting his hand linger. “Give my best to Jules and give Gus’ medium.”
“I thought you were the medium.”
Shawn gave him one last peck before turning on his heel and breezing out the door. Gus was waiting for him by the front desk.
“C’mon Gus, I’ve been waiting five-ever for you.”
“You literally just walked out of the bathroom. I’ve been standing here for at least a minute.” Gus gave a disbelieving look at the officer sitting behind the desk.
“Whatever you say, buddy. Lunch is calling!”