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When Arthur was sixteen he didn't want sex, or even masturbate, which was funny since all his friends at puberty were all over sex jokes and sleeping with girls in the haystacks behind some barns. And the talk was often and common, after all they were supposed to be hormonal teenaged boys. Arthur knew enough about sex and such stuff to participate in the conversations and laugh at the jokes, but he never understood the other boy's longings to stick their dick somewhere warm. And even then all their talk about touching themselves when they couldn't get a girl wasn't anything Arthur understood. Oh he definitely understood the techniques to do all those things but aside from his disgusting night emissions when he'd wake up covered in disgusting seminal fluid he never did anything to get off. He didn't want to.
When Arthur was seventeen he dealt with ribbing from the other knights in training, jokes about being gay as they'd never seen him with a girl. Of course he denied being homosexual. But he also never helped promote the idea that he liked girls, because he didn't like that. But he had realized that he still wanted validation, he wanted to be loved for who he was, but who was going to love him if he didn't want sex?
When Arthur turned 18 he started to wonder if he was broken. Now finally able to grip the oddness of himself. Why wasn't he experiencing a sex drive? Wasn't he supposed to be bedding lots of girls like a fucking prince should? Wasn't he supposed to feel these things he was supposed to? He cried himself to sleep a few times. He just couldn't understand how he could be so wrong when everyone else seemed to be right, be good, be fixed, whole. He began to jerk himself off at night, he didn't feel any urge or derived pleasure from it, but he needed to feel more normal, more like a person.
When Arthur turned nineteen he met Merlin. The odd little creature that Gaius had something to do with. They quickly struck up a budding friendship, though to everyone else it seemed as if they were just master and servant. But there were the secret little glances and smiles and jokes. Things they shared just with them that only someone with a skilled eye would catch.
There was no definite period where they friendly in-jokes turned into something more but they did somewhere. They turned into soft brushes on each other, Merlin's hands lingering too long when he dressed Arthur, gazes held too long.
They just hadn't bargained on Gwen catching all this. But Arthur shouldn't have put it past her.
She had pulled Arthur aside after training one day, wanting to speak with him. She was his sole confidant, the only person he's come clean to one day when he felt more broken than he had before, he'd confessed how fucking messed up he felt and she listened without judgement.
She frowned and pulled him over to a corner of the castle, "So? When are you going to tell him?"
"Sod off Gwen, we haven't even said anything about that sort of thing to each other," He said with a frown. He was terrified actually, he didn't want to lose him.
"Well you should, he likes you, it's obvious to anyone who knows what to look for. And from my standpoint you're just leading him on like this and that's cruel Arthur, he's not going to just assume this about you." She would have crossed her arms but she had a basket with Morgana's bed linens in it.
"What am I going to say?" He ran an irritated hand through his hair, "'Sorry Merlin, I like you but not your dick? Sorry if that blows? Oops sorry, that's not going to happen'?"
She rolled her eyes, "You'll figure it out. That much I'm sure of." She walked off with the basket, casually throwing over her shoulder, "Communication!"
Arthur sighed, Gwen didn't understand.
***
It was a few weeks later, almost a month, the touches had become a little bolder between the two of them, nothing huge but fingers touching lips there was less space between them during dressing and by all means that was fine with both Merlin and Arthur.
Merlin was walking down the halls and carrying Arthur's boots, god they were muddy and disgusting covered in horse shit and bits of straw, they never cancelled training on account of rain, in England that would be ridiculous. He yelped as he felt himself dragged into an alcove and was quickly silenced by lips over his own, by the firm muscles under his hands he knew exactly who he was kissing. He hummed softly and felt himself melt against the beautiful blonde holding him up around his waist. The lips were now up near his ear and a hot breath whispered, "Come to my bedchamber this evening." And he felt himself released and Arthur slipped out. He was definitely going to be there that evening.
Arthur swallowed, god, he was leading Merlin on. He's hoped slightly that the kiss would trigger something. Nothing. It was a nice kiss and he'd liked it but there wasn't any stirring inside of him. He went to prepare for the evening, and of course the inevitability of Merlin dropping all this romantic stuff now that there was no hope for a sexual relationship.
***
Merlin licked his lips as he stood outside Arthur's bedchamber door, he'd put on his nicest clothes and neckerchief, he didn't want to disappoint Arthur tonight as they made their almost-relationship official. He played with his hair a little and knocked on the heavy oak door, waiting in anticipation, ideas running fast through his mind of what would happen when that door was opened.
Arthur sighed, making sure the candle on the table was lit, Gwen had helped him with dinner tonight he wanted something kind of romantic, wanted to let Merlin down easy. They had fish stew and a nice little pie, all of which Gwen had generously provided Arthur when he panickdly asked what to do for this night, they'd planned it for weeks, there was the red rose laying on top of Merlin's plate and candles on the table and around the room. When he heard the knock he went and opened it, he smiled, moving out of the way for Merlin to enter.
The dark haired boy glanced around looking at the candles and it seemed they were going to eat, definitely anticlimactic considering what he'd been fantasizing about all day, even Gaius had asked why he couldn't concentrate. But no less this was romantic, very romantic. Arthur also looked amazing, wearing a shirt that exposed some of his chest and tight pants, but there was an off air around him and he was curious.
Arthur carefully took Merlin's hand and took him over to sit down, pulling his chair out for him like a gentleman should and he smiled, happily this time, to see Merlin's reaction to the rose, maybe this evening wouldn't be a horrible fuck up.
He brought over the bowls and set one in front of Merlin before going over to sit down across from him.
"It smells wonderful," Merlin smiled, "Gwen made it, right?"
"Well," Arthur said and blushed.
He chuckled softly, "Don't worry Arthur, I don't think asking someone else to cook is emasculating you."
He swallowed, looking down at his stew, he wasn't masculine though, Merlin just didn't know it. He couldn't have meant it.
Merlin glanced over the table and searched Arthur's face, "What did I say? What ever it is I take it back, I didn't mean to spoil our evening."
"You're such an idiot Merlin," Arthur muttered, "Real clot pole."
"Awfully romantic," Merlin's tone had turned sarcastic. "I really want you now."
"Merlin shut up!" Arthur snapped, he rested his head in his hands.
Merlin got up, going over to the blonde, something was very much up and it couldn't just be a small thing. He put his hands on Arthur's shoulders and squeezed gently, "Hey, tell me what's going on."
"Might as well just leave now, you'll want to after I tell you," He couldn't look up to face Merlin, he just couldn't.
"Is it that you've never been with anyone? I hear you haven't slept with girls, is it because you're gay? I mean it's fine, I think it's cute you're a virgin-"
"Merlin Emrys, hush," Arthur's hands went up to grab both of Merlin's hands, holding them in his close to his heart. He just had to say it. "Ever since I've been a teen, I've never wanted sex, it's not that I thought it was gross it's just never interested me, I don't crave it I don't have urges for anything. I don't wank I don't sleep with people I've never wanted sex in all my years of life and it's not changing I don't know what I'll do later as I'm supposed to marry and have an heir but right now at least, while I'm untethered, I don't want it. I'm not going to want it Merlin. I want love and romance and all that, kisses and shit, I'm not going to want to sleep with you, well in the same bed yeah, you know what I meant." He sighed, "I'm sorry."
Merlin leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to the top of his head, "Don't apologize, it's not completely uncommon you know."
He snorted, "Sure Merlin, what do you know?"
"Oh that's attractive," he hugged him, he leaned down to press a kiss to his cheek, "I know I care about you, I'm not ready to say I love you just now but I care. You mean a lot to me."
Arthur blinked up at him, completely taken aback by this admonition. "You're not going anywhere?"
"No, of course not, silly prince, who's the clot pole now?" He smiled, a silly happy smile.
"It's still you," He reached up and grabbed Merlin's hand, squeezing it.
"C'mon, let's go to bed," Merlin pulled him up and quickly went about blowing out all the candles. He went with him over to the fourposter bed and removed his neckerchief, shoes, and jacket as Arthur pulled off his shirt and boots. They climbed into bed where Merlin pulled at the cords, bringing the curtains around, allowing them more privacy.
They settled down next to each other, Arthur's head resting on Merlin's chest, his arms hugging his waist and Merlin holding him, "Is this alright?" He asked gently, stroking the blonde's hair.
Arthur nodded, "This is nice," he moved up and kissed the brunette on the lips, lingering a few seconds before pulling away to get comfortable again.
Merlin smiled and enjoyed the feeling of soft lips against his own, "Arthur?"
"Yes, Merlin?"
"Don't ever feel pressured to have sex, especially with me, alright? If I accidentally go to far or something tell me? I never want to push you into something you don't desire."
Arthur nodded, his eyes closed and for the first time he felt whole, there was the wonderful warmth of love and acceptance that Merlin accepted him for the person he was and he didn't need sex to be a person, he could just be who he was. And he wasn't broken.