Chapter Text
The sterile smell of the bright white doctor's office wafted into his nostrils. His nose scrunched at the smell, one he was all too familiar with. It was a smell that filled his childhood. A smell that lingered with him into his 32nd year of living. Another year of pain to him.
"Levi Ackermann?" called a nurse from a door.
"Here," he desperately responded.
"Dr. Zoe will be able to see you now. Follow me"
Levi followed the nurse into a room numbered 104.
"Please sit down while I take your vitals." she instructed. She immediately reached for his right arm but he pulled away instinctively. Levi noticed the nurse's shock.
"Sorry… can you do the other arm instead…"
The nurse proceeded to take his blood pressure and the rest of his vitals.
" Dr. Zoe will be coming in a second." They closed the door behind them.
Levi's feet hung off the exam chair. He always hated not being to touch the ground when they made him sit on the medical chairs. He hated the texture of the chair's fake leather cover. Instantly the memories flowed back. The bright lights that shone on him as the doctors poked and probed 10 year old Levi in hopes of being the next to publish an exciting and ground-breaking paper using his pain. The trauma stopped him from looking for help for a long time but recently, the pain has gotten stronger and less manageable. It kept burning and although his pain tolerance had grown he could not handle the new pain he was ignoring. He moved the index and middle finger on his right hand and twitched as the pain ran down his hands and wrist. He held his breath and waited as the pain subsided. Finally he let out a heavy sigh.
Just as he had calmed down, the office door swung open and laughter entered with it.
"Maybe you wouldn't be falling over me if you went out and took a break Moblit!" A loud and chirpy voice teased someone in the hallway. "I can handle this! Go have lunch workaholic!"
A cheery face with a pair of oval glasses entered the room. Their short honey brown ponytail swayed into the room with the doctor's momentum.
"Hi there!" they said wide eyed. "You must be my patient…umm… " they ruffled through their messy stack of paperwork. "Levi, right? Levi…Ackerrrrr….man?" They looked up and laid their warm gaze on Levi.
"Um…yeah" Levi responded, still shocked by the jolly entrance he had just witnessed.
For a millisecond he regretted coming but that changed immediately as the pain in his fingers began to flare again. He winced, shocked by the sudden level of pain he hadn't experienced before. Why now….all of a sudden? All he could do was close his eyes and wince and wait until it washed away.
Suddenly a warm hand grabbed his strained hand and a finger ran down his palm causing the pain to fall into the background for a second. The finger ran down his palm ever so gently, like a warm tickle that helped drown the pain. The pain of his fingers and the pleasure of being touched mixed until it became inseparable and it didn't feel like pain anymore. It became only a sensation that weighed on his hand. Then finally, the pain subsided and all he felt was the warmth that held his right hand softly.
"Is it gone?" the worried voice asked. Levi was finally able to open his eyes and look up at them. A worried look stared back with a pity smile to accompany it. He hated that smile…it was the same smile he had seen all the way up to when his mother Kuchel abandoned him. To him it was an untrustworthy smile.
"Yeah…" he sighed letting the weight in his chest escape.
Doctor Zoe backed away and picked up some papers from their messy stack. "Alright well I guess I don't have to ask why you are here. It says here, intense periodic pain on the index and middle finger on your right hand. Can you go over your medical history with me one more time? Just want to make sure we are not missing anything." They looked up from Levi's medical paperwork and smiled. "Is that alright with you, Levi? Can I call you that? Or do you prefer Mr. Acker…"
"No…" he said sternly. "You… can call me Levi."
Dr. Zoe chuckled, "Well Levi, it says here at age 10 you started to suffer from severe pain on your fingers after a small injury from a baseball game. At first you were diagnosed with CRPS and had gone through various clinical trials and was a part of multiple medical trials related to studying CRPS. Then you received CRPS treatment for over a year and the symptoms did not subside. From what I understand you were probably diagnosed with Stage 2 CRPS because of your symptoms. But after a couple of years you did not experience Stage 3 and still have function of your fingers. That’s when your diagnosis was retracted…. Correct?"
"Yeah… That’s all there is to it" he replied dryly.
"Can you explain what happened? In detail, at that baseball game?" they asked…
The squeaking from the swings on that day started to ring in his ear again. Why… why was this memory coming back to him again? It had been so long since he had forgotten it. He could smell the dirt that lifted from the ground from the other kids running and throwing themselves through the bases. All of a sudden a sharp CLACK from the batting area echoed in the park and Levi looked up in the air ready to catch the ball. They had put him as the right fielder as a punishment for being so quiet but now he was the star of the show. He wasn't going to lose in front of them. There was no other way to prove himself to a group of elementary kids. This ball was his one chance. It started falling towards him….but it was falling far behind him. No.. He would get this ball even if it meant falling on the back of his head. Running backwards, Levi kept an eye on the ball and as it got closer he noticed the ball coming towards his right side. Dammit, he was left handed and had gotten a left handed baseball glove but he knew he wouldn't be able to make it on time to reach over to his right side.
It was up to his right hand to catch it. There was no other choice, he thought. If he didn't he would have another lonely year. Not another one of those. His right hand straightened themselves to reach out as far as he could. The ball came closer and his right hand was touching it! He got it! Or so he thought….. Suddenly he felt a sharp pain as the high speed ball bent his index and middle finger farther back than possible. A wailing scream escaped his mouth instantly. At first his teammates laughed thinking it was a wail of anger but soon everyone had dropped their equipment and they all started running towards him. Levi looked at his two fingers bent backwards from the ball and then it went dark…. That’s all he could remember from that fateful day. Why…. Why did the memories come back? He looked up at Dr. Zoe and started to open his mouth to speak.
"Ahhh… sorry only if you are comfortable!" They raised their hands trying to reassure Levi that they would back off. "Anyways, let's move on…"
Levi sat in shock. If they hadn't said anything, he was sure he would have spilled the whole story. Why did he feel so comfortable around them? They felt …familiar. Thinking the pain had made him vulnerable he pushed the thoughts away as Dr. Zoe continued.
They pulled up their chair and sat close in front of Levi. Their right leg crossed over their left as they read through his medical records.
"First diagnosis was with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. Makes sense as the pain was caused by an initial injury and lasted over three months. You had to wear a cast on your fingers which can be considered the cause of your CRPS. They ran tests on you and found nothing but they diagnosed you with it anyways since the symptoms fit? That’s…unusual…" Their eyebrows scrunched up as they continued reading in silence.
After a bit of silence, Levi interrupted "Anything wrong Doctor?"
Pulling themselves away from his file Dr. Zoe looked up and flashed their big goofy grin. "Naah, nothing to worry about. Seems like they were just in a hurry to help you."
They were lying. He could see right through it but he wasn't going to push any further because he already knew the truth.
"Well enough of that… Let's try to find out what is actually going on!" They placed their paperwork down on the table and stood up in front of Levi. They reached out their hand and asked with a smile, "May I?"
Levi sighed and lifted up their right hand towards them. Dr. Zoe's demeaner suddenly changed. The usual high energy character had disappeared in this moment. They gently placed their left hand under Levi's hand and lightly held it as if it was the most precious treasure they had discovered. Levi could barely feel their hand there but he could feel their warmth. Probably what you would expect from a doctor whose expertise is human pain.
"Can I press on the fingers? I won't do it too hard. I'll start off slow."
Levi took a deep breath, preparing himself.
Dr. Zoe brought their right hand to Levi's wrist and started to caress his hands down going towards his fingertips. Levi could feel their breath as they hung their head over his hand. He couldn't help but stare at the hair behind their ears falling down to their face slowly giving away to gravity. Their curious eyes stared intently at their hand and somehow it felt calming to know that they cared enough to be this cautious and gentle.
Wait… it was their job, Levi thought, of course they are caring. That is what they are paid to do. Don't get over in your head just because they understand what you are going through a little bi…. He yelped when Dr. Zoe finally reached his fingers. They immediately moved their right hand away from his fingers.
"Sorry, I was trying to be as gentle as possible." a worried look sat on their face. They gently put Levi's hand down trying not to cause more pain.
Dr. Zoe stood up and starting writing down on Levi's medical form.
"Now before we start making any assumptions let's do some lab tests and run some x-rays on your fingers. We'll also do an MR…"
"I've already done those…" Levi interrupted. Focusing on the floor tiles his feet dangled above.
"Yeaaaahhh…… about 10-ish years ago. We have to do some more recent tests."
"It's pointless. Nothing will come up."
Dr. Zoe froze and turned their head towards Levi. His head hung down, staring at his hands as if he felt betrayed by them. They put the paperwork down and walked in front of Levi. They kneeled down on their right leg and placed their left arm on their left knee. They tilted their head down to the right until they were in Levi's field of view covering the bright white tiles that reflected back at him.
"Those tests could come back with no results, but… I won't give up on you. I am NOT going to leave you in pain. I promise… Levi."