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Shindo Ainosuke considered himself a man who made plans, and stuck to those plans with confidence. He had debated countless politicians with ease. He had supported bills and bartered favors, and not once had he doubted himself or the choices he was making.
However, as he stood in front of the residence of one, Kaoru Sakurayashiki, he was beginning to feel doubt for the first time in quite a while.
Behind him, Tadashi sat in the driver’s seat of one of the family cars, engine still running, with the window rolled down. “I’ll be right here if you need me, Ainosuke-sama,” he said, in what he no doubt thought was a reassuring tone.
It just made Ainosuke feel like he was about to perform some complicated heist and Tadashi was there to be his getaway driver.
Granted, if things didn’t go well, he just might need a getaway driver anyway. And chances were pretty good that things would not go well. In fact, Ainosuke had planned for any and all negative outcomes.
“Sir,” Tadashi said. “Given the technological advances that Sakurayashiki-san has made, it is likely that he is already aware of our presence here.”
Ainosuke scowled and shot Tadashi a sharp look over his shoulder. “I know that,” he practically growled.
There wasn’t any point in taking his nerves or frustration out on Tadashi though. By now the man knew everything that had transpired between him and Kaoru. He was the one who had encouraged him to take this step.
To be honest, he had wanted to do this ever since he’d had time to think about his old friends after his race with Langa. He’d started to see things from a new perspective, and there were quite a few things that while he didn’t necessarily regret, he wanted to make right. He had considered it from all angles and in the end, he knew that he had to start here, with Kaoru.
He took a steadying breath and marched to the front door of Kaoru’s house. He raised a hand to knock on the door but before he could, a light chime sounded from above the door, followed by Carla’s voice.
Welcome guests. Please wait one moment.
Ainosuke nodded, considering the possibility that there was a security camera that Kaoru could watch him through. Maybe he would see him there and simply not answer the door.
He cleared his throat and loosened his tie. He had come today dressed in a relatively casual outfit. Some light, cotton slacks and a button-up shirt with a dark tie. His hair was smoothed back more than it might be for a political event but certainly more than when he went to S. He wasn’t really sure what one might wear to potentially grovel, but Tadashi had assured him that this was suitable.
A moment later the door opened, revealing Kaoru dressed in a gray yukata with silver accents. He wore his glasses and, unsurprisingly, a deep frown.
“Hello, Adam,” he said in an warning tone.
“Kaoru, darling!” Ainosuke said as he threw his arms open. It was easier to hide his nerves behind his outgoing persona. “It’s lovely to see you.”
Kaoru’s frown deepened.
“Don’t give me that bullshit,” he said. “What do you want?”
“May I come in?”
“No.”
Well. Fair enough. Ainosuke couldn’t really blame Kaoru for not being a welcoming host. Bridges weren’t easily rebuilt after you’d burned them down.
Kaoru gave a long-suffering sigh and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “I’ll ask one more time; what do you want?”
That was a fairly loaded question. Ainosuke wanted a lot of things. Many of them he still didn’t know how to put words to, but he was learning. Tadashi was helping him with that as he helped him with so much else. Langa had helped him, though he likely didn’t understand just how much. Even that ridiculous redhead had helped in his own way.
Right then, Ainosuke was in a good place in his political career. He’d thought he knew where he stood at S, but even that needed some readjusting now. Most important though, was fixing his personal life which he’d taken for granted for too long now.
That, of course, was easier said than done. In politics it was all about playing the game, collecting the right pieces, and choosing the best time to make his move. He could try those same methods here, but he knew, especially looking at Kaoru now, that those tactics wouldn’t serve him. There was nothing for it but to stop hiding behind his mask.
“The fact of the matter is that I miss you, Kaoru,” he finally said. He had dropped his playful tone, choosing instead to be more earnest, if a little blunt.
Kaoru, still frowning, opened his mouth to speak, but Ainosuke lifted a hand and cut him off.
“I understand that what a selfish statement that is and you have every right to be pissed off about it,” he said. “I don’t expect it to be easy to get back into your good graces, but I’m willing to do what I have to in order to make up for what I’ve done.”
In his mind, Ainosuke saw a flash of the moment when he’d decked Kaoru in the face with his board. He’d felt a detachment that felt a lot like being in the zone. It was easier than tapping into his actual feelings like the frustration he had felt every time that Kaoru or Kojiro had tried to reach out to him. He hadn’t wanted to remember those good times because remembering hurt and he’d wanted to be as far away from hurt as he could. Now though, he understood that sometimes one had to work through the things that hurt in order to make them better.
“You and Kojiro were some of the few people I ever opened myself up to, and when that hurt too much I closed myself off.”
“So why does it matter now?” Kaoru asked, voice tight. “As you said, skating with me is boring. Why bother coming here if that’s the case?”
Ainosuke looked away, too ashamed to look Kaoru in the eye. He remembered saying that, had meant every word of it when he had.
“I was wrong,” he said hoarsely. “In the end, it was boring because I wasn’t letting myself have fun.”
“Are you saying you regret it?”
“Regret…”
Ainosuke let the feel of the word linger on his tongue.
“In some ways, it felt like I needed to do it. That I needed to do something I could never come back from. I did it as much to keep me away from you as I did to keep you away from me.”
Kaoru snorted. “Well, isn’t that a convenient excuse?”
Ainosuke nodded, finally looking up at Kaoru’s face again. Not for the first time, he considered how beautiful his face was. Though it was the first time in a while he had let himself think such a thing without disdain. He wanted to touch that face again, trace the contours of his cheeks and brow. He wanted, painfully, to kiss the tender places where he himself had wounded Kaoru.
This wasn’t the time for that though. He didn’t know if they might ever reach that place, but he knew that if Kaoru gave him the chance he would make himself worthy of it.
“You didn’t deserve what I put you through,” Ainosuke said firmly. “Loathe though I am to admit it, I’ve made some spectacular mistakes in my life.”
Surprisingly, Kaoru huffed a soft chuckle. “Yes, well, we’re all guilty of that now aren’t we?”
Such a small concession and yet it made Ainosuke’s heart flutter.
Kaoru cast his gaze away as if considering something and then looked back at Ainosuke. “It’s a start,” he finally said. “Let’s have tea some time and we’ll talk some more.”
Ainosuke’s eyes widened in wonder. “Absolutely,” he said. “I’ll have Tadashi make time for it in my calendar.”
“Just tea,” Kaoru said sternly.
Ainosuke nodded. “Of course.”
It would be difficult not to have greater expectations, but he knew that this couldn’t be rushed. They had come together so quickly when they were younger, and fallen apart just as fast. If they were going to build something that would last they needed to do it right.
“Well,” Kaoru said, waving his hand at him. “Go on then. I do actually have a schedule to maintain, surprise visitors or not.”
Ainosuke bowed his head, unable to stop himself from grinning just a bit. “Far be it for me to hold up the great Sakurayashiki-sensei. Until next time, take care.”
He lifted his head and turned to walk back to the car.
“And Adam,” Kaoru called from behind him.
Ainosuke stopped and looked back.
Kaoru was still there, the door half-closed now. “I rather like the look of you groveling,” he said with a smirk before closing the door.
Smiling, Ainosuke let out a whistle before slipping into the car where Tadashi held the door open for him.
“It seems things went relatively well,” Tadashi commented.
“About as well as they could, I’d say,” Ainosuke agreed.
As Tadashi drove away from the scene, Ainosuke marveled at his luck. He had been prepared for all the negative outcomes, and yet he had been knocked off his feet by one that was entirely hopeful. Perhaps, he thought, he and Kaoru weren’t so far apart after all.