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TK fumbled for his key, exhaustion lining every inch of his body as he peered down in the dim light, fingers tracing the harsh edges. In front of him was Carlos’ door, his home and he found himself pausing, wondering if he should turn on his heel and head back to his dad’s.
It was late and although Carlos’ text said he’d be home, it felt wrong to risk waking him up when his day had certainly been as hellish as TK’s own. A volcano was definitely the last thing anyone expected, and he knew everyone was tired from too long shifts and indescribable stress.
Still – he didn’t want to be alone, not with the sense of loss leaving him raw and helpless. He felt guilty for it, hadn’t known Tim as well as he should have, shouldn’t be feeling this sense of responsibility weighing on him – should probably go back to the fire station and be with his dad who must be feeling no less worse than him.
His dad had told them to go home and TK knew him well enough to know that meant he’d be spending the night at the fire house, would be quietly choosing a photo to be added to the wall of memories, heroes, so that the next time they stepped foot in the 126, Tim’s eyes would be staring back at them – watching over them.
Christ, he could only imagine what Tommy and Nancy were thinking - feeling at that very moment and it was that spike of pain for them, that finally made TK slide his key in and twist the lock. He couldn’t be alone, couldn’t go back to the fire house yet, couldn’t offer condolences that he knew did nothing to ease the ache.
TK expected Carlos’ home to be silent and cast in darkness so that he’d need to stumble his way up the stairs. He expected Carlos to be asleep after an exhausting day and he expected to be able to quietly slip beneath the covers without a word needing to be spoken. To his surprise, that wasn’t what he found.
A single light was on above the stove, illuminating parts of the living room and staircase, it’s brightness a small a relief from the suffocating night, like a little lighthouse, showing the way back. He had only a moment to breathe a sigh before his gaze was drawn to the figure sitting on the steps and watching him with an expression of such understanding, it speared him through the heart.
TK licked his lips, his throat working around the dryness as he searched for words, found nothing but an aching question, “have…have you been waiting up this whole time?”
Carlos had gotten off shift nearly three hours ago and it looked as though he’d been there ever since. There was a stiffness in the lines of his shoulders, bruises beneath his eyes and bone-deep weariness in every line of his face – and still his lips tilted into a sad, concerned little smile that hurt no less than the bullet had all that time ago.
“Come here.”
Something delicate trembled inside his chest and TK was devastated by the gentleness of his tone. Tears welled up in his eyes as he dropped his bag onto the floor at his feet, his entire body lurching toward Carlos, yearning for him in a way that hadn’t stopped since they realized they’d lost someone – since TK realized that most of the emotion in his chest was the fear that came from knowing his father had been right there. It could have been him, as easily as a few centimeters to the side and TK would have lost more then he’d know how to ever retrieve. He couldn’t lose anyone else – and perhaps that was the crux of the guilt sitting like a stone in his stomach, caring more that his father had lived then Tim had died.
Carlos’ arms surrounded him, tugging him close into his body until TK felt as though he were cocooned in his warmth. When lips pressed to the top of his head, the first tears fell, the thick droplets landing on his boyfriend’s arm and suddenly he was shaking and burying his face in his shoulder.
“I’ve got you,” he heard Carlos whisper. “I’ve got you.”
For the first time, he felt it in a way he never had with anyone else. TK wasn’t sure if it was because he knew Carlos understood in only the way a first responder could or if it was the fact that it was Carlos and his selflessness, his way of meaning every word he says like it was all a promise. Either way, TK found himself digging his fingers into his lover’s arm, clinging to him like a lifeline and he believed him when he whispered again, “I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”
That was where they stayed as the time slowly eased toward dawn, as their limbs went numb and TK’s body could no longer tremble with his emotions, until the guilt shrunk, and it no longer felt like a life sentence. Only then, did Carlos tighten his grip on him and ease up from those steps, TK held firmly against him.
When they finally stepped into bed, stripped down to their boxers, Carlos still held him close, whispered his reminders when TK’s mind would wander and eventually, just as the sun began to shimmer through the curtains, he felt himself begin to drift.
Carlos’ fingers were in his hair, his heart against his ear, his voice rumbling soothingly along his skin, and he’d never felt quite so comforted in his entire life. There had been an itch, a small one just beneath the surface, a craving he’d have to live with for the rest of his life but in that moment – it was the easiest thing in the world to pretend didn’t exist, that it had never been there.
Just like that, TK fell asleep to the sweetest lullaby.
“I’ve got you, I’m here TK.”