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Diluc sheathed his claymore, sighing. Another Abyss Mage in Mondstat proper, this is bad . It was bad enough that over the past few weeks he’d found the infernal creatures slowly creeping toward this city, but now they had managed to start sneaking past the walls and the “guards” of the Knights of Favonius. Whatever the Abyss Order was planning, it was bad. So bad, he was considering actually going to the Knights about it—anonymously, of course. It was just too much for him to handle alone. And, while he hated to admit it, it wouldn’t do anyone anything good to try to keep fighting them alone.
He started to head back to Angel’s Share for the night when he heard the creak of a door behind him. He turned around, hand on the hilt of his weapon, only to see it was Kaeya. Probably sneaking out after another one-night stand. Typical. He curled his lips in disgust and turned back towards the tavern.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t lucky enough to avoid the attention of the man he had formerly considered a brother. “Diluc? Or should I say, Mr. Darknight Hero ? What did you do this time, single-handedly fight some Fatui infiltrators?” Kaeya asked with faux innocence.
“I think the alcohol has addled your brain, Captain Alberich . I’m simply a normal citizen. Isn’t defending Mondstat the job of brave knights such as yourself?” Diluc responded without turning around. As much as he hated seeing the Cavalry Captain, he loved verbally sparring with Kaeya. It was a guilty pleasure to indulge in his contempt.
And to pretend that they weren’t a thousand miles apart.
“You would be correct, which is why I really shouldn’t tolerate your behavior—”
“Oh, but I’m sure you appreciate it. After all, if it weren’t for this Darknight Hero figure, you would have to be the one patrolling Mondstat at night, which would really get in the way of your favorite activities, wouldn’t it? I’m sure your lovers would miss you.” Diluc smirked to himself. It was low, but Kaeya did have a certain. . . reputation, and it served him well to go for the jugular in this case.
The blue-haired knight was quiet for a moment. Diluc continued walking, but Kaeya stopped him when he said, “They wouldn’t. But it’s not like either of us know what it would feel like to be missed like that. They say you’re so polite when you turn down the girls, but they’re starting to find it odd. They say, for someone so fiery , you’re so —”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence,” Diluc growled. He knew exactly who Kaeya was quoting. It had only been a few months ago, but the word still hurt him even when he knew the truth. Frigid . Cold, and easily shattered. That much was true. But as easily shattered as he was, he was not broken. Love did not make or break a human, and Diluc wasn’t surprised that someone like Kaeya was blind to that.
“Oh, I don’t agree with them. If anyone is frigid, it’s me. And not just because of my Vision.” Kaeya’s voice sounded strained despite his jest. It almost made Diluc want to turn around.
Almost.
Diluc scoffed. “I doubt that’s true, given how they. . . praise you.”
“Well, you should know more than anyone that I’m all lies.” The strain grew too much. Diluc could hear the brokenness in his voice. How much was he hurting that he was letting Diluc of all people hear his vulnerability?
Could he really be like me?
“I’m sure you need a drink, Captain Alberich. The tavern is about to close, you should hurry.”
Diluc didn’t turn back.
Kaeya watched as Diluc headed towards Angel’s Share, debating whether or not he should follow.
He didn’t know what he had been thinking. He hadn’t been thinking. He was just so tired . Of overworking himself and drinking so much and throwing himself into beds but never staying. Doing everything he could to try and feel human but only ending up feeling dead inside.
He had had to hold himself back from getting into a fight when he heard that comment about Diluc. As much as their relationship was in shambles, he couldn’t bear to hear someone say that about him. Kaeya wished he could be like Diluc, cold and unafraid.
Although his former brother and friend hadn’t always been like that.
But some combination of being an outsider, losing the only people he cared about, and living a double life left Kaeya scrambling to try and be someone . He worked twice as hard, even though he joked about slacking off. He put in so much effort to be liked. And when people liked him, well, he couldn’t disappoint. It wasn’t that it wasn’t enjoyable, but he knew he didn’t feel the same connection as his partner (or partners, sometimes). At first, he thought that maybe he just wasn’t straight, but he wasn’t particularly enthused when he tried sleeping with guys either. Then he thought he just hadn’t found the right person, but he’d practically slept with all of Mondstat at this point and he’d come to the conclusion that he was just broken . Not that that was a surprise. . .
He should probably be explaining this to Diluc.
Maybe it’ll make him hate me less .
Kaeya laughed bitterly at the thought, even as he knocked on the back door to Angel’s Share.
“It’s open.” Diluc’s voice called.
He walked into the empty bar, “You know, normally you’re supposed to greet guests at the door.” He tried for levity, but his voice came out less jovial and teasing than usual.
Diluc just rolled his eyes, which was probably the nicest response he’d given Kaeya in years.
Man, I really fucked up, didn’t I?
“So,” Diluc said, sitting across from him at the table and sliding him a glass (of cider, of course), “what’s hurt you so bad you decided to come to me of all people?”
Well, that sure is straight to the point. “I don’t even know why I thought of you, other than that you’re probably the only person left in Mondstat who’d believe me. I doubt even Jean would take me seriously if I told her.” That got the redhead’s attention. “But, I don’t actually like having sex. Well, sometimes I do, but it’s not something that I enjoy the way everyone else does. I just don’t feel the same. . . intensity towards it. I could’ve honestly gone my entire life without trying it, but I felt like such an imposter, not just, well, you know, but as a person. Like I’m just a ruin guard that’s powered off. So I went along when others wanted it. And then I went looking to find if there was someone, anyone, who could fix me, but. . .” Kaeya had started off purposefully keeping as much emotion out of his voice as he could, but he couldn’t hold back the sob that came when he finally admitted just what he was.
Diluc was silent for a moment. Kaeya half expected him to smirk and say that he’d been right all those years ago, that Kaeya deserved this because he was an agent of Khaenri'ah or that the destruction had left him cursed and broken.
But he didn’t.
Instead, he said, “Kae— Kaeya, you’re not broken. Well, you are, you and I both know just how broken we both are, but this isn’t part of that. This is just who you are, and you shouldn’t have to pretend to be something you’re not—and I know that that’s ironic considering everything, but it’s true. You don’t have to be anything you don’t want to be, you don’t have to follow the expectations that everyone has decided for you. For such a mischievous, what did you call us, ‘anti-hero’, you’re such a people pleaser. But I’ve seen how much the pulling on all sides has left you brittle, and this extra pressure is unnecessary.”
“When did you get so wise?”
“Fucking off trying to fight everything wrong with the world by yourself for three years, and almost dying because of it, does that to you. And it helps that I’m not exactly interested in sex the way everyone else is, either. Nor do I get romance. Honestly, part of the reason I prefer being at the winery is that no one is around to flirt with me or try to convince me to do certain activities. It makes me so uncomfortable and is probably the main reason I get so annoyed with people. There are more important things going on, but yet I have to sit through the drama of people’s feelings and broken hearts. It’s infuriating.”
“That makes a lot of things make sense. But if you know what it’s like, why’d you make that comment earlier, about my lovers ?”
Diluc put his head in his hands, obviously feeling guilty, “To be honest, I was just trying to get a reaction. I knew it was mean and unfair, even for us.”
“Well, I guess I deserve it somewhat. Look, I— I’m sorry for that night.”
“You shouldn’t be. You didn’t choose to be an infiltrator from another land to save your people, and, honestly, even if you had, I shouldn’t have done what I did. I mean, I had just lost my own father, how could I not understand just how much worse losing everyone could be? I regret that night. Even though I was devastated I destroyed the only other relationship I had. I don’t want to lose you again, Kaeya. You’re not broken because of this, and you’re no less of a person than I am. ” Diluc looked at Kaeya with something other than hatred, and Kaeya felt something in his chest thaw.
He smiled, the first real one of the night, “At least I got cool magic powers out of it.”
Diluc snorted in amusement. Kaeya took a sip of his cider, Hey, this isn’t half bad .
It had been a few weeks since Kaeya and Diluc had reconciled. Despite the immense progress they had made that night, their relationship wasn’t fully fixed. They had a lot to learn about each other (Kaeya had almost killed Diluc hearing about how he had almost gotten himself killed). It was one of these nights where they were catching up when Diluc said, “I’ve seen you making eyes at Albedo.”
Kaeya sputtered, “I— what? Nooo.”
“You’re a better liar than that.”
“Oh, how you wound me, brother. Alas, you would be right. But I doubt he’d want to go out with me. Either because he’d want sex and I’m no longer interested in that, or because he’s heard of my exploits and thinks I’m dirty, like a lot of this city does.”
Diluc smacked his head. “One, he spends most of his time in Dragonspine, his lab, or his head. I doubt he’s heard much about you. Two, you are not ‘dirty’ just because you’ve had a lot of sex, and, honestly, most of the people saying that are hypocrites considering they’ve probably slept with you. Three, he’s come in a few times when Sucrose has dragged him out to eat a proper meal and I’ve had to step in when people get too. . . interested, so we’ve become friends. He doesn’t really get why people care so much about sex either, so I think he’d understand. Your only problem is Aether is also like us—they told me a truly skin-crawling story of a perfume maker he met in Liyue the other day—and they seem to be somewhat interested in each other.”
“I can’t break sweet Aether’s heart. And now I feel kind of bad for how much I tease them.” Kaeya pouted.
“I think they’ll live considering just how many other people seem to be head over heels for them,” Diluc said while polishing some glasses behind the bar. “I truly don’t get, and neither do they, but they’ve got their eye on a few other people, too. And don’t worry, they said they don't mind it coming from you or Lisa because you’re actually friends with them. They just get creeped out about people they barely know, which I understand.”
“I wouldn’t say you hardly know Donna,” Kaeya said.
“I wish I didn’t.”
“Yeah, she is a bit much. I won’t be surprised if she starts swooning over Aether, though.”
“They’d hate that. I think Paimon might fight her if that happened.”
“I’d pay to see that.”
They both laughed.
“Hey,” Kaeya said, “What if I cause an ‘accident’ to happen and you swoop in as the Darknight Hero? Then she’d leave you alone because she’d think someone else saved her.”
“That. . . might actually work. Could we?”
Kaeya smiled. “Of course! I gotta use my deviousness for something good once in a while.”
Diluc hit him on the head again.
“Hey!”